Rid of My Disgrace E-Book

Justin S. Holcomb

• Herausgeber: Crossway
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 455

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Beschreibung

The statistics are jarring. One in four women and one in six men have been sexually assaulted. But as sobering as these statistics are, they can't begin to speak to the darkness and grief experienced by the victims. The church needs compassionate and wise resources to care for those living in the wake of this evil. Other books attempt to address the journey from shame to healing for victims of sexual abuse, but few are from a Christian perspective and written for both child and adult victims. In Rid of My Disgrace, a couple experienced in counseling and care for victims of sexual assault present the gospel in its power to heal the broken and restore the disgraced. Justin and Lindsey Holcomb present a clear definition of sexual assault and outline a biblical approach for moving from destruction to redemption. Rid of My Disgrace applies a theology of redemption to the grief, shame, and sense of defilement victims experience. This book is primarily written for them, but can also equip pastors, ministry staff, and others to respond compassionately to those who have been assaulted. Part of the Re:Lit series.

Leseprobe

“Careful research, lots of Scripture, and a demonstration that the work of Christ says ‘you are washed clean’ to those who feel like outcasts will speak to victims of sexual abuse.”

Ed Welch, Counselor and Faculty, The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation

“I can’t express how grateful I am that someone is tackling this subject with both a pastoral heart and an understanding of how the devastating effects of sexual assault can wreak havoc for decades after the abuse. It is an epidemic issue where resources are scarce. There isn’t a weekend that goes by when we aren’t told a gut-wrenching tale of innocence stolen, then left trying to help a man or woman make sense of the pain. I praise God for the gospel that can heal and restore and for the Holcombs that had the courage and wisdom to write this book for us.”

Matt Chandler, Lead Pastor, The Village Church, Dallas, TX; President, Acts 29 Church Planting Network

“God sees, knows, heals, restores, and redeems. This is the message of hope this book offers to all who have suffered from abuse. How desperately needed this message is in our culture today! In my interaction with teens and young adults, I have heard many stories of sexual abuse. I am so thrilled that there is a resource like this book that offers relevant, practical, biblical hope and healing words of life.”

Rebecca St. James,singer; author; actress

“Having experienced much sexual brokenness in my own life and now having pastored a church that ministers to thousands of broken people, I can say with confidence that this book is desperately needed. Justin and Lindsey write to help the abused and to help those who help the abused. It is a must read for all those who live and minister in this sexually broken world.”

Darrin Patrick, Lead Pastor, The Journey, St. Louis, MO; Vice President, Acts 29 Church Planting Network

“Justin and Lindsey demonstrate a unique level of compassion and concern for victims of sexual assault and the hope for them for healing. The gentle and empathetic tone, along with a sincere belief that victims can experience healing, make this book indispensable for both victims and those who care for them.”

Craig Groeschel, Founding and Senior Pastor, LifeChurch.tv

“The world—and too often the church—encourages victims of sexual assault to do more. Self-help advice just adds more layers of guilt and a sense of powerlessness. The authors of this excellent book have good news: literally, a gospel that answers our disgrace with the grace of God in Christ. For anyone who suffers from abuse—as well as those who minister to them—Rid of My Disgrace is powerful, healing medicine.”

Michael Horton, J. G. Machen Professor of Systematic Theology and Apologetics, Westminster Seminary California; author, The Gospel-Driven Life

“This is a sad and disturbing book. The ‘dark’ of it will keep you awake at night. But the ‘light’ will cause you to sing with joy and hope. What a gift to the church and to those who have felt the shame of sexual assault or who love those who have! Read it and give it to your friends. They will rise up and call you blessed! It is the best book I’ve ever read on the subject of abuse . . . and I’ve read a lot of them.”

Steve Brown, Professor of Preaching Emeritus, Reformed Theological Seminary; author, When Being Good Isn’t Good Enough and When Your Rope Breaks

“Where will you find a ‘theology of the victim’ from a Reformed theologian? You just found it. If you’ve been the victim of abuse, you won’t find yourself blamed in this book. You’ll find yourself embraced by the love of a God who meets you in your pain. This will be required reading for all of my students.”

Chuck DeGroat, Academic Dean, Newbigin House of Studies; Director, City Church Counseling Center

“Rid of My Disgrace reminds victims of sexual assault that they are not alone and it is not the end of the story. From King David’s daughter Tamar to the courageous survivors telling their stories today, the Holcombs take sexual assault out of the shadows of shame and isolation and into the light of the gospel. With a solid grasp on both the effects of sexual assault and of redemptive history, the Holcombs thoroughly identify sexual assault and its aftermath. This book calls readers to let even such a painful, hideous act be a part of their stories of redemption through Christ’s sufficient work on the cross.”

Monica Taffinder, cofounder and counselor, Grace Clinic Christian Counseling

“Written passionately from the agony that haunts victims, this book also offers a message of hope and healing. It is an invaluable resource for those who have been victimized and a must read for family, friends, pastors, or counselors of victims to be equipped to serve and love them well.”

Jud Wilhite, Senior Pastor, Central Christian Church, Las Vegas, NV; author, Eyes Wide Open

“Some books are easy to read, but this isn’t one of them. Its difficulty, however, is not a matter of style or prose but of substance. We don’t like thinking about sexual assault and abuse. We’d rather pretend they don’t exist. But the church can no longer afford to turn a blind eye to the extent of this problem or to ignore the devastation it brings to both body and soul. What makes this book so worthy of your attention, notwithstanding the discomfort it may cause you to feel, is the wealth of wisdom, gospel grace, and pastoral sensitivity that the Holcombs bring to bear on those affected by this experience. No matter how deep the pain or sense of loss endured by the victims of sexual assault, God’s healing grace and power are greater still. Highly recommended!”

Sam Storms, Senior Pastor, Bridgeway Church, Oklahoma City, OK

“This important book places the powder keg of gospel truth where it is most needed: on the frontline of pastoral ministry. A mixture of clear writing, real-life stories, and faithful Bible exposition makes this a powerful resource in the fight for redemption in the lives of those we are called to serve.”

Joel Virgo, Church of Christ the King, Brighton, UK

“This book helped us understand the painful emotions that go along with the particular suffering of sexual assault. But more than that, it showed us how to respond to our twelve-year-old son who was assaulted.”

Parents of a child victim

“I thought I had gotten over the abuses in my past—I had forgiven my abusers, stopped feeling like a victim, and felt like I was a stronger person. After reading Rid of My Disgrace, I realized there were still underlying issues I hadn’t dealt with that were preventing me from getting close to other people and, worst of all, preventing me from having a deeper relationship with God. Each chapter not only discussed each emotion that had been secretly weighing on me, but also showed me that those emotions don’t have to rule me. Jesus’ death and resurrection apply not only to my sins, but also to the burden of someone else’s sin against me. My identity is no longer as ‘damaged goods.’ It is as a ‘child of God’ and with that comes God’s unending love. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has experienced not only some form of sexual abuse, but also other abuses as well.”

Adult female victim

Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault

Copyright ©2011 by Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb

Published by Crossway                    1300 Crescent Street                     Wheaton, Illinois 60187

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided for by USA copyright law.

Cover design: Patrick Mahoney of The Mahoney Design Team

First printing 2011

Printed in the United States of America

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked kjv are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture marked niv is taken from The Holy Bible: New International Version®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. The “NIV” and “New International Version” trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica. Use of either trademark requires the permission of Biblica.

Scripture quotations marked nasb are from The New American Standard Bible®. Copyright © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Scripture references marked nrsv are from The New Revised Standard Version. Copyright © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Published by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A.

Scripture references marked rsv are from The Revised Standard Version. Copyright © 1946, 1952, 1971, 1973 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A.

All emphases in Scripture quotations have been added by the author.

Trade paperback ISBN: 978-1-4335-1598-9 PDF ISBN: 978-1-4335-1599-6 Mobipocket ISBN: 978-1-4335-1600-9 ePub ISBN: 978-1-4335-1606-1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataHolcomb, Lindsey A., 1981–     Rid of my disgrace : hope and healing for victims of sexual assault / Lindsey A. Holcomb, Justin S. Holcomb.         p. cm.     Includes bibliographical references and index.     ISBN 978-1-4335-1598-9 (tpb)     1. Sexual abuse victims—Religious life. 2. Abused women— Religious life. 3. Abused men—Religious life. 4. Sex crimes— Biblical teaching. 5. Sex—Biblical teaching. I. Holcomb, Justin S. II. Title.

BV4596.A2H65         2011

248.8'6—dc22                                                         2010028915

Crossway is a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

VP           20    19    18   17   16    15   14   13   12    11

Contents

Acknowledgments

11

Introduction

13

1

Disgrace and Grace

15

PART ONE

Disgrace

2

What Is Sexual Assault?

27

3

What Are the Effects of Sexual Assault?

37

PART TWO

Grace Applied

Allen’s Story

49

4

Denial

53

Crystal’s Story

67

5

Distorted Self-Image

71

Barbara’s Story

85

6

Shame

89

Brian’s Story

105

7

Guilt

109

Mandy’s Story

121

8

Anger

125

Nicole’s Story

141

9

Despair

145

PART THREE

Grace Accomplished

10

Sin, Violence, and Sexual Assault

159

11

Grace in the Old Testament

173

12

Grace in the New Testament

191

Concluding Prayer—“Wave upon Wave of Grace”

209

Notes

211

Bibliography

237

General Index

255

Scripture Index

259

Acknowledgments

First of all, in terms of friends who have helped in so many ways, we would like to thank Mike Wilkerson, Amanda Hightower, and Dave Johnson.

Much gratitude for our research crew from the Docent Research Group: Nick Roark, Matt Johnson, B. J. Stockman, and James Gordon.

Lindsey would like to thank her coworkers at the Sexual Assault Resource Agency and the Shelter for Help in Emergency. Justin would like to thank his colleagues, students, and friends at the University of Virginia and Reformed Theological Seminary.

At Crossway, we would like to thank our editor, Mattie Wolf, who supported the book marvelously.

Introduction

If you are reading this, it’s likely someone did something to disgrace or shame you. That “someone” may have been a stranger or an acquaintance and that “something” could have been any form of non-consensual sexual behavior. It may have occurred yesterday or decades ago.

The number of occurrences of sexual assaults is staggering. At least one in four women and one in six men are or will be victims of sexual assault in their lifetime.

We wrote this book for the many victims of sexual assault, both female and male, to offer accessible, gospel-based help, hope, and healing.

Also, we wrote this book to help equip pastors and ministry staff as well as family members and friends of victims. As they read what we are saying to victims, we hope they learn to respond and care for victims in ways that are compassionate, practical, and informed.

For many years we have ministered to victims who want and need a clear explanation of how the gospel applies to their experience of sexual assault and its effects in their lives. We have talked to many parents, spouses, ministers, and friends who are looking for solid, gospel-based information that would be helpful in serving victims.

Our experience in the area of abuse, both personally and professionally, led us to write this book. While avoiding platitudes, suspicious questions, and shallow theology, we combine practical victim advocacy, biblical and theological depth, and up-to-date academic research.

Lindsey currently counsels victims of sexual assault. Previously, she worked at a sexual assault crisis center where she provided crisis intervention to victims of assault and conducted a variety of training seminars to service providers. Lindsey also worked at a domestic violence shelter. Many of the women she served were also victims of sexual assault. Her graduate research was on sexual violence and public health responses.

Justin is a pastor and has counseled numerous victims of sexual assault. Since 2001, he has taught theology at Reformed Theological Seminary. Justin also taught courses on sexual violence in the Sociology and Religious Studies departments as well as in the Studies of Women and Gender program at the University of Virginia.

In Rid of My Disgrace, we address the effects of sexual assault with the biblical message of grace and redemption. Jesus responds to your pain and past. Your story does not end with the assault. Your life was intended for more than shame, guilt, despair, pain, and denial. The assault does not define you or have the last word on your identity. Yes, it is part of your story, but not the end of your story.

The message of the gospel redeems what has been destroyed and applies grace to disgrace.

1

Disgrace and Grace

If you have suffered as the result of a sexual assault, this book is written to you and for you—not about you. What happened to you was not your fault. You are not to blame. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Nobody had the right to violate you. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. You were the victim of assault and it was wrong. You were sinned against. Despite all the pain, healing can happen and there is hope.

While you may cognitively agree that hope is out there, you may still feel a major effect of the sexual assault—disgrace, a deep sense of filthy defilement encumbered with shame.

Disgrace is the opposite of grace. Grace is love that seeks you out even if you have nothing to give in return. Grace is being loved when you are or feel unlovable. Grace has the power to turn despair into hope. Grace listens, lifts up, cures, transforms, and heals.

Disgrace destroys, causes pain, deforms, and wounds. It alienates and isolates. Disgrace makes you feel worthless, rejected, unwanted, and repulsive, like a persona non grata (a “person without grace”). Disgrace silences and shuns. Your suffering of disgrace is only increased when others force your silence. The refusals of others to speak about sexual assault and listen to victims tell the truth is a refusal to offer grace and healing.

To your sense of disgrace, God restores, heals, and re-creates through grace. A good short definition of grace is “one-way love.”1 This is the opposite of your experience of assault, which was “one-way violence.” To your experience of one-way violence, God brings one-way love. The contrast between the two is staggering.

One-way love does not avoid you, but comes near, not because of personal merit but because of your need. It is the lasting transformation that takes place in human experience. One-way love is the change agent you need for the pain you are experiencing.

Unfortunately, the message you hear most often is self-heal, self-love, and self-help. Sexual assault victims are frequently told some version of the following: “One can will one’s well-being”2 or “If you are willing to work hard and find good support, you can not only heal but thrive.”3 This sentiment is reflected in the famous quote, “No one can disgrace us but ourselves.”4

This is all horrible news.5 The reason this is bad news is that abuse victims are rightfully, and understandably, broken over how they’ve been violated. But those in pain simply may not have the wherewithal to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” On a superficial level, self-esteem techniques and a tough “refusal to allow others to hurt me” tactic may work for the short term. But what happens for the abused person on a bad day, a bad month, or a bad year? Sin and the effects of sin are similar to the laws of inertia: a person (or object) in motion will continue on that trajectory until acted upon by an outside force. If one is devastated by sin, a personal failure to rise above the effects of sin will simply create a snowball effect of shame. Hurting people need something from the outside to stop the downward spiral. Fortunately, grace floods in from the outside at the point when hope to change oneself is lost.6 Grace declares and promises that you will be healed. One-way love does not command “Heal thyself!” but declares “You will be healed!” Jeremiah 17:14 promises:

Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed;

save me, and I shall be saved,

for you are my praise.

God’s one-way love replaces self-love and is the true path to healing. This is amazingly good news and it highlights the contrast between disgrace and grace or one-way violence and one-way love. God heals our wounds. Can you receive grace and be rid of your disgrace? With the gospel of Jesus Christ, the answer is yes. Between the Bible’s bookends of creation and restored creation is the unfolding story of redemption. Biblical creation begins in harmony, unity, and peace (shalom),7 but redemption was needed because tragically, humanity rebelled, and the result was disgrace and destruction—the vandalism of shalom. But because God is faithful and compassionate, he restores his fallen creation and responds with grace and redemption. This good news is fully expressed in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, and its scope is as “far as the curse is found.”8 Jesus is the redemptive work of God in our own history, in our own human flesh.

Martin Luther describes this good news: “God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. . . . He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace.”9 This message of the gospel is for all but is particularly relevant to victims of sexual assault. The purpose of this book is to proclaim this message of healing and hope to you, because you know too well the depths of suffering and the overwhelming sense of disgrace.

Rid of My Disgrace

To illustrate the trauma of sexual assault and hope for redemption, we will investigate 2 Samuel 13. This passage is the biblical account of Tamar’s assault by her half-brother Amnon. Tamar’s assault reflects the contrast between disgrace and grace. Disgrace versus grace is similar to the contrasts between destruction and redemption, sin and salvation, brokenness and healing, despair and hope, shame and compassion, guilt and forgiveness, violence and peace.

[1]In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. [2]Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. For she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her. [3]Now Amnon had an adviser named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. [4]He asked Amnon, “Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?” Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.” [5]“Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.’ ” [6]So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.”

[7]David sent word to Tamar at the palace: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.” [8]So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. [9]Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat. “Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him. [10]Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. [11]But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.” [12]“N0, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. [13]What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” [14]But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.

[15]Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!” [16]“No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.” But he refused to listen to her. [17]He called his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.” [18]So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. [19]Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.

[20]Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman. [21]When King David heard all this, he was furious. [22]And Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.a

Second Samuel 13 provides an insightful analysis of sexual assault because it is portrayed through Tamar’s eyes. Tragically, her experience includes manipulation, force, violence, negation of her will, emotional trauma, debilitating loss of sense of self, display of grief and mourning, crushing shame, degradation, forced silence, and prolonged social isolation with desolation. Tamar’s social and personal boundaries are clearly violated.10

It’s clear in verses 12, 14, and 22 that Amnon’s actions of assault are violating, shaming, forceful, and humiliating. Violence permeates his words and actions. The words used to describe Amnon’s feelings and physical state express sick emotions rather than life-giving ones. According to Phyllis Trible, Amnon reduces Tamar to the state of a “disposable object.”11 After he assaults Tamar, Amnon commands her to leave by telling his servant, “Get this woman out of my sight.”b Other translations say “Throw this woman out.”c Amnon barely speaks of her as a person. She is a thing Amnon wants thrown out. To him, Tamar is trash.12

Regarding biblical accounts of sexual assault, Mieke Bal writes, “Rape is an expression of hatred, motivated by hate, and is often accompanied by offensive verbal language.”13 Amnon failed to consider Tamar as a complete person, created with dignity in the image of God. The intensity of Amnon’s desire for Tamar was matched only by the intensity with which he hated her.

Verses 13, 19, and 22 repeatedly describe the effects of Tamar’s assault: disgrace, shame, and reproach. After the assault, Tamar is privately and publicly traumatized by shame. The description of her outward appearance intends to show her inward feelings. Verse 19 is one sentence made up of four clauses that describe Tamar’s state: “Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.”

Dressing the head with a headdress symbolizes dignity, but to the contrary, applying ashes is a symbol of lowliness.d Figuratively, ashes signify that which is without value or what is loathsome. Ashes on the head are a sign of humiliation and disgrace.14 The “shame” that Tamar spoke of before the assault in verse 13—“Where could I get rid of my disgrace?”—is now a reality.

Tamar’s robe is a special symbol of her elevated social status; however, she tears her robe. The rending of clothes—often articulated biblically as “sackcloth and ashes”—is an act of grievous affliction, revealing the sorrow of the heart, and is an expression of loss and lament. Tamar had her dignity torn from her, and the invasion is now expressed with physical gestures. The narrator describes Tamar as a person.e But after this violation, her beauty is exchanged for feelings of shame and loss expressed through symbols of emotional distress. Tamar has become a person who has experienced loss of control over her body, over her life, and over her dignity.

To put her hands on her head is a gesture of grief.15 The book of Jeremiah describes the image of hands on the head to express shame.f Covering the head with one’s hands and with ashes is a double image intensifying the expression of the abused person’s state of deep shame and anguish.

The basic meaning of “cry” is to plead, from a disturbed heart, for help in time of distress. Tamar’s cry is not to summon another, but to express her deeply felt distress. Tamar’s “crying aloud” is an audible expression of pain, emphasizing the distress already conveyed through her visual appearance and gestures.

While we read that she leaves crying, we are not specifically told where she goes. The image produced is one of Tamar wandering aimlessly, with her torn dress, wailing like one in mourning, publicly announcing her grief and her disgrace. The assault has reduced her to a state of aimless despair.16

Tamar’s body language portrays deep pain. Her actions resemble a rite of shame and link her with all other victims of assault. The post-assault scene is dominated by physical symbols that express Tamar’s inner trauma. She has been grievously wronged by Amnon and left alone by everyone else. Her brother Absalom said, “Be quiet now, my sister. . . . Don’t take this thing to heart” (v. 20). He would rather have kept her assault and suffering hidden. Even though the text says her father, the king, was furious, he did nothing. It was appropriate for David to be angry. However, he should have reached out to Tamar and protected her, even if it was only in a gesture of articulating that anger to her that she had been wronged. When victims are abused and shamed, often the response (or lack thereof) of family and friends continues to pile on the shame. Those who should have been supportive and taken her side did not. They minimized what had happened, showing that they did not understand the depth of Tamar’s pain.

Second Samuel 13 describes well the destruction wrought by sexual assault, which includes the violation and its effects, the sin against Tamar, and its consequences. An important question asked by assault victims is echoed in verse 13 when Tamar asks, “Where could I get rid of my disgrace?” Her question was left unanswered in the text. Absalom, her brother, responded to Tamar’s pain by plotting to kill Amnon and by silencing her. David, Tamar’s father, ignored her disgrace.

However, there was one who later came and entered her pain and shame. Jesus Christ was killed, not for revenge but to bear her shame on the crossg and to offer her a new robe of righteousness to replace her torn robes of disgrace.h How Tamar felt after the assault, described in verse 19, is shockingly similar to what Jesus experienced leading up to and during his crucifixion.i Jesus entered her pain and shame as Tamar’s substitute to remove the stain of sins committed against her, and he rose from the dead to bring her healing and hope.

Disgrace, Grace Applied, and Grace Accomplished

The message of this book is that the gospel applies grace to disgrace and redeems what is destroyed. This good news for victims is explained in the three parts of the book.17

Part One—Disgrace

In order to deal with the issue honestly and directly, the first part (chapters 2 and 3) presents a clear definition of sexual assault and a description of its effects. Numerous misconceptions surround the issue of sexual assault as victims are often unsure if their experiences classify as assault. Sexual assault is not just rape by a stranger with physical force or a weapon. Most victims (approximately 80 percent) are assaulted by an acquaintance (relative, spouse, dating partner, friend, pastor, teacher, boss, coach, therapist, doctor, etc.). Sexual assault also includes attempted rape or any form of nonconsensual sexual contact.

Many victims feel the effects of sexual assault but are isolated or confused because they believe a popular misconception of what sexual assault entails. The purpose of chapter 2 is to let victims know the prevalence of their experiences and the truth about assault. Chapter 3 on the effects of sexual assault is central for this book as it mostly describes the emotional damage done to victims, which is the focal point for applying the gospel of redemption.

Part Two—Grace Applied

Chapters 4 through 9 focus on ways that grace is applied to the disgraceful experiences and effects of sexual assault. Denial, shame, distorted images of self and God, guilt, anger, and the despair that comes with it all can only be dealt with one way: through God’s compassion, faithfulness, and grace.

We believe that the only thing that gets to the depth of the devastation of sexual assault is God’s one-way, unconditional love expressed through, and founded on, the person and redemptive work of Jesus Christ. And in response to sin and its effects, God’s radical grace and redemption are at the center of responding to the pain and needs brought on by a victim’s experiences.

Part Three—Grace Accomplished

The third part (chapters 10 through 12) is for further study for anyone who wants to read about the biblical understanding of sin, violence, and sexual assault, and God’s response of redemption. Chapter 10 investigates the original peace (shalom) inherent to God’s creation, the cosmic treason of human sin, and the violence that follows. We will trace a biblical theology of violence in general and explore what the Bible says about sexual assault in particular. The fall and sin invert mutual love and harmony into domination of and violence against each other. Sex, the very expression of human union and peace, becomes a tool for violence after the fall.

Chapters 11 and 12 trace the drama of redemption starting in the garden of Eden leading to the cross and resurrection and finally to completion in the new creation. God’s steadfast unfailing love (hesed)18 and grace are the threads throughout the Old and New Testaments.

Chapter 11 surveys significant, redemptive events in the Old Testament while chapter 12 shows how God’s desire to restore peace and bring redemption is fulfilled in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. When victims can identify with the horrendous victimization of the cross, they are more meaningfully able to celebrate the victorious resurrection of Christ. Jesus suffered violence that mirrors much of what victims experience today (shame, humiliation, silence, betrayal, pain, mockery, injustice, loneliness, etc.). While Jesus’ suffering and death were real and brutal, there was resurrection after Good Friday. The cross is both the consequence of evil and God’s method of accomplishing redemption. Jesus proves, by the resurrection, that God redeems, heals, and makes all things new.

As we explore how one-way love heals and replaces the destruction caused by one-way violence, it is helpful to look at the prayer of Psalm 6. Imagine this psalm as Tamar’s cry and yours—a mourning of disgrace and longing for grace from God:

O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,

nor discipline me in your wrath.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;

heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled.

But you, O Lord—how long?

Turn, O Lord, deliver my life;

save me for the sake of your steadfast love.

For in death there is no remembrance of you;

in Sheol who will give you praise?

I am weary with my moaning;

every night I flood my bed with tears;

I drench my couch with my weeping.

My eye wastes away because of grief;

it grows weak because of all my foes.

Depart from me, all you workers of evil,

for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my plea;

the Lord accepts my prayer.

All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;

they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.

a2 Sam. 13:1–22 niv.

b2 Sam. 13:17 niv.

cNew American Standard Bible and New Living Translation.

dIsa. 61:3.

e2 Sam. 13:1.

fJer. 2:36–37. “How much you go about, changing your way! You shall be put to shame by Egypt as you were put to shame by Assyria. From it too you will come away with your hands on your head, for the Lord has rejected those in whom you trust, and you will not prosper by them.”

gHeb. 12:2.

hIsa. 61:10.

iHe was betrayed by a close friend, abandoned by his other friends, mocked, beaten, publicly shamed and humiliated, and he felt abandoned by God (Psalm 22 and Matt. 27:45–46).

2

What Is Sexual Assault?

Many victims are not sure if what happened to them was assault because numerous misconceptions surround the issue. Our goal in this chapter is to present the facts about sexual assault by looking at its definition and prevalence. Sexual assault is not just rape by a stranger with a weapon. Approximately 80 percent of victims are assaulted by an acquaintance (relative, spouse, dating partner, friend, pastor, teacher, boss, coach, therapist, doctor, etc.). Sexual assault also includes attempted rape or any form of nonconsensual sexual contact.

Many victims experience the effects of sexual assault, but feel isolated or confused because they believe misconceptions of what sexual assault entails. This may result in you feeling self-blame, denial, shame, guilt, anger, distorted self-image, and despair. We want you to know the prevalence of your experience and offer a definition of sexual assault. To accomplish this we endeavor to be as precise and comprehensive as possible.

Definition

Sexual assault is used as an overarching term, encompassing a large number of sexual behaviors—physical, verbal, and psychological—that violate the agency and well-being of an individual. Sexual assault is the current legal term that replaced the narrow definition of rape. Some states use this term interchangeably with rape. The exact definition of “rape,” “sexual assault,” “sexual abuse,” and similar terms varies from state to state.1

With some definitions of sexual assault, it is difficult to truly discern between those who are victims of sexual assault and those who are not. When this happens, many victims feel as if they do not fit into the rigid qualifications of sexual assault, hence ignoring the ongoing or past situations in which they are or were victimized.

There are varying definitions of sexual assault.2 For some researchers, a very narrow interpretation of sexual assault is preferable, as it avoids over reporting, a phenomenon that would provide inflated statistics. Conversely, those who favor a more broad explanation of sexual assault support its expanded definition, because it includes behaviors that often go unreported.3

The fluid definitions used to define this issue can, at times, exclude victims as well as add to the misconceptions held by many victims surrounding their experiences, society in general, and those in support roles. Slight changes in the definition and perception of sexual assault can change whether a person is considered a victim or not. This is why defining sexual assault is very important.

A definition that is too narrow can cause some victims of assault and those who should be supporting them to downplay the experience. Our definition of sexual assault is any type of sexual behavior or contact where consent is not freely given or obtained and is accomplished through force, intimidation, violence, coercion, manipulation, threat, deception, or abuse of authority. This definition gets beyond our society’s narrow understanding of the issue and expands the spectrum of actions to be considered sexual assault.

The reasoning behind our cohesive and comprehensive definition of sexual assault is manifold. First, clarity helps victims know that they are not alone in their experience. Second, victims would be more motivated to report if they knew that what happened to them was a crime. Third, a clear definition would reduce myths and victim blaming. Fourth, it would also enable more services to be established to cater to the needs of victims of an extremely violating crime, in addition to educating authorities on how to properly handle such a sensitive topic. Fifth, surveys and studies indicate that most people know almost nothing about the dynamics of sexual violence and have little or no experience in dealing with it.

There are three parts to our definition of sexual assault: 1) any type of sexual behavior or contact 2) where consent is not freely given or obtained and 3) is accomplished through force, intimidation, violence, coercion, manipulation, threat, deception, or abuse of authority. We will look at each of these separately.

Sexual Behavior or Contact

Sexual assault is a display of power and control by the perpetrator against the victim. It is not a product of an “uncontrollable” sexual urge. Sexual assault is mainly about violence, not sex. Even though perpetrators use sexual actions and behaviors as a weapon, the primary motivation is to dominate, control, and belittle another. This can be done with physical sexual contact and nonphysical sexual behavior. Sexual assault is about power, and a victim may be physically or emotionally unable to resist even when there is no actual physical violence involved.

When defining sexual assault as any sexual act that is nonconsensual—forced against someone’s will—it is important to understand that the “acts” can be physical, verbal, or psychological. There are four types of sexual violence. Each type involves victims who do not consent, are unable to consent, or refuse to allow the act:4

1) A completed sex act that is defined as contact between the penis and the vulva or the penis and the anus involving penetration, however slight; contact between the mouth and penis, vulva, or anus; or penetration of the anal or genital opening of another person by a hand, finger, or other object

2) An attempted (but not completed) sex act

3) Abusive sexual contact that is defined as intentional touching, either directly or through the clothing, of the genitalia, anus, groin, breast, inner thigh, or buttocks of any person

4) Noncontact sexual assault that is defined as assault that does not involve physical contact. Examples of noncontact sexual assault include voyeurism (peeping Tom); intentional exposure of an individual to exhibitionism (flashing); exposure to pornography; verbal or behavioral sexual harassment; threats of sexual violence; and taking nude photographs of a sexual nature of another person without their consent.

Sexual assault occurs along a continuum of power and control ranging from noncontact sexual assault to forced sexual intercourse. Sexual assault includes acts such as nonconsensual sexual intercourse (rape),5 nonconsensual sodomy (oral or anal sexual acts), child molestation, incest, fondling, exposure, voyeurism, or attempts to commit these acts.

Using these categories of sexual acts and behaviors, some examples of sexual assault include:

Unwanted vaginal, anal, or oral penetration with any object

Forcing an individual to perform or receive oral sex

Forcing an individual to masturbate, or to masturbate someone else

Forcing an individual to look at sexually explicit material or forcing an individual to pose for sexually explicit pictures

Touching, fondling, kissing, and any other unwanted sexual contact with an individual’s body

Unwanted contact between the mouth and genitals

Voyeurism: spying on someone engaged in intimate behavior, sexual activity, or other activity usually considered to be of a private nature; also includes the abuser watching while the victim is made to perform sexual acts

Exhibitionism: also known as flashing, a behavior by a person that involves exposure of private parts of their body to another person in a situation in which they would not normally be exposed; also includes making the victim watch while the abuser performs sexual acts

Putting a finger, tongue, mouth, penis, or any object in or on an individual’s vagina, penis, or anus when they do not want them to

Touching an individual’s intimate parts (defined as genitalia, groin, breast, or buttocks, or clothing covering them), or compelling them to touch his or her own or another person’s intimate parts without consent

Forcing an individual to look at sexually explicit material or forcing them to pose for sexually explicit pictures or video recordings

A doctor, nurse, or other health care professional giving the victim an unnecessary internal examination or touching their sexual organs in an unprofessional, unwarranted, and inappropriate manner

Consent

In addition to the wide scope of sexual behaviors and contact that are included in the definition of sexual assault, another key issue is consent. Consent is when an individual is freely able to make a choice based upon respect and equal power, and with the understanding that there is the freedom to change her or his mind at any point.

There are three main considerations in judging whether a sexual act is consensual or an assault. First, are both people old enough to consent? Second, do both people have the capacity to consent? Third, did both agree to the sexual contact? If any of these are answered “no,” it is likely that sexual assault has occurred.

Consent requires communicating “yes” to engaging in a particular act. Consent is not given when one person says “no,” says nothing, is coerced, is physically forced, is mentally or physically helpless, is intoxicated, is under the influence of drugs, or is unconscious. Nor does it occur any time that consent is not explicitly given. Having given consent on a previous occasion does not mean that a person has consented for any future sexual encounter. The law generally assumes that a person does not consent to sexual conduct if he or she is forced, threatened, or is unconscious, drugged, a minor, developmentally disabled, chronically mentally ill, or believes they are undergoing a medical procedure.

Methods

There are varying methods perpetrators use to violate victims. In some cases, sexual assault may involve the use of force, which may include but is not limited to physical violence, use or display of a weapon, or immobilization of the victim. Sexual assault may also involve psychological coercion and taking advantage of an individual who is incapacitated or under duress and, therefore, is incapable of making a decision on her or his own.

Sexual assault occurs when a nonconsensual sexual act or behavior is committed either by 1) physical force, violence, threat, manipulation, or intimidation; 2) ignoring the objections of another person; 3) causing another’s intoxication or impairment through the use of drugs or alcohol; or 4) taking advantage of another person’s incapacitation, state of intimidation, helplessness, or other inability to consent.

Prevalence

Victims

Sexual assault affects millions of women, men, and children worldwide. The prevalence of sexual assault in the United States is difficult to determine because the crime is vastly underreported, yet the statistics are still overwhelmingly high: One in four women6 and one in six men7 will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetimes. These statistics are probably underestimates.

Some victims are sexually assaulted from when they are a few days old, and some are in their nineties. People can be assaulted regardless of their color, race, religion, nationality, lifestyle, sexual preference, education, class, occupation, ability, or disability. It is clear that sexual assault is a frequent phenomenon and is well within the range of being labeled a “common experience” for women, men, and children. According to most recent statistics, every two minutes someone in the United States is sexually assaulted.8

Most victims of sexual assault are female. According to numerous studies, between 88–92 percent of sexual assault victims are female and 8–12 percent are male.9 One out of six women in the United States has been raped at some time in her life.10 African-American women are assaulted at a higher rate than white women11 and are much less likely to report it and get help.12

According to the Bureau of Justice, women sixteen to nineteen years old have the highest rate of sexual victimization of any age group.13 The National Center for Juvenile Justice reports that 14 percent of victims (girls and boys) are under age six and that 67 percent of females and 70 percent of male child sexual assault victims know their offender.14

Sexual assault can occur in marriage and between dates and friends. Researchers have estimated that sexual assault occurs in 10–14 percent of all marriages.15 Studies estimate that incest is experienced by 10 to 20 percent of children in the general population.16 Studies indicate different prevalence rates of incest for females and males. One study reported that as many as one-third of all girls and one-fifth of boys have experienced incest.17 Researchers agree that girls are much more often the victims of incest. Others report that the incidence for males is less than half of that for females because a higher proportion of males are sexually abused by adults outside the home.18 Male incest victims may also report less frequently because they are socialized to not express feelings of helplessness and vulnerability.

Research shows that there are differences between females and males with respect to the characteristics of sexual assault and the events surrounding it. When victimized, women are more likely than men to be injured, to use medical services, and to report the violence to the police.19 Men are more likely than women to have had multiple assailants during their attack.20

Regarding the age breakdown of sexual assault, 15 percent of sexual assault victims are under age twelve, 29 percent are ages twelve to seventeen, and 80 percent are under age thirty.21 The highest risk years are ages twelve to thirty-four, and girls ages sixteen to nineteen are four times more likely than the general population to be victims of sexual assault.

Most victims of child sexual assault know their attacker; 34.2 percent of assailants were family members, 58.7 percent were acquaintances, and only 7 percent of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim.22 Of child sexual abuse victims, approximately 10 percent of victims are age three and under, 28 percent are between ages four and seven, 26 percent are between ages eight and eleven, and 36 percent are twelve and older.23

Those who experienced childhood assault are at a higher risk of adult revictimization.24 Childhood sexual assault is especially common among sexually assaulted women and men (59 percent and 61 percent respectively).25 Women who had been sexually assaulted in childhood are at least twice as likely to be assaulted in adulthood.26 It was found that the respondents with more physically and emotionally severe adolescent sexual assault experiences were at a significantly greater risk of revictimization. They are 4.4 times more likely to be revictimized than the respondents who had not experienced adolescent sexual assault.27

The findings regarding male victims are even more dramatic. One study reports that 61 percent of men who report a sexual victimization during adulthood also report having been sexually assaulted as a child.28 Men who experienced sexual assault as adults are five times more likely to have a history of childhood sexual assault than men with no adult sexual assault experience. Two major studies have shown a strong correlation between childhood sexual victimization and subsequent adult sexual victimization.29

Perpetrators

Predominately, perpetrators responsible for sexual assaults are male30 and are usually someone the victim knows.31 Although strangers are stereotyped as perpetrators of sexual assault, the evidence indicates that a high percentage of offenders are acquaintances of the victim.32 Most sexual assault perpetrators are white, educated, middle-class men.33 With only 7 percent of the perpetrators armed, sexual assault is the least likely to involve a weapon of any other violent crime.34

If individuals who commit sexual assault offenses are not apprehended and prosecuted, they will likely continue to commit sexual offenses. One widely recognized study found that 126 admitted perpetrators had committed 907 sexual assaults involving 882 different victims. The more sex offenders that are apprehended and prosecuted, the fewer victims there will be of sexual assault.35

Reporting

With regard to the reporting of sexual assault, there are two major issues to consider—false reporting and under reporting. While under reporting is a major concern, false reporting is not. Actually, false reports are quite rare. The figure often used by sexual violence experts for estimating falsified reports is 2 percent, which is a slightly lower rate than other crimes.36

Given the horrific nature of sexual assault and the shame it brings to victims, it is not shocking that it is one of the most underreported crimes. The fear of intrusive and revictimizing court procedures prevents many sexual assault survivors from reporting their assaults. Most sexual assault victims choose not to report their assaults. Factors that keep a victim from reporting the crime include shame and embarrassment, self-blame, fear of media exposure, fear of further injury or retaliation, fear of one’s own family and community response, and fear of a legal system that often puts the victim’s behavior and history on trial.

According to the FBI, sexual assault is “one of the most underreported crimes due primarily to fear and/or embarrassment on the part of the victim.”37 One research report claims that only between 5 percent and 20 percent of sexual assaults may actually be reported.38 At the most, less than 40 percent of all sexual assaults were reported to law enforcement.39 Under reporting skews all recordable statistics. Therefore, statistics on the incidence of sexual assault vary greatly and are believed to underrepresent the prevalence of the crime. Despite the inability to paint a complete picture of the occurrence of sexual assault, statistics can provide victims with a greater understanding of the scope of the issue.

It is important to acknowledge that most researchers believe that male sexual assault is severely underreported, perhaps even more so than sexual assaults of women. Male sexual assault victims are much less likely to disclose information regarding their experiences than are females.40 Therefore, they constitute an extremely underidentified, underserved, and frequently misunderstood population.

Though sexual assault is underreported by both females and males, males are in a unique position. They are far less likely to disclose being sexually assaulted to anyone. Two trends are evident in the existing statistics on male victims of sexual abuse: 1) the more recent the research, the higher the incidence of assault, and 2) with growing awareness, more men seem willing to disclose their experiences of sexual assault.41

Acknowledgment

Naming and describing the evil done to you does not ensure automatic personal healing. However, it does provide clarity regarding sexual assault, and it allows for acknowledgment. If sexual assault is not defined, named, or described, then it remains hidden. Telling the truth about sexual assault by acknowledging the traumatic experience is one important aspect of healing, but it is not the whole picture. Further healing comes as you are able to interpret the effect of what happened to you within a larger pattern of meaning. The first step toward doing this is to look closely at the effects of sexual assault and the accompanying emotions.

3

What Are the Effects of Sexual Assault?