Sex, Dating, and Relationships E-Book

Gerald Hiestand

• Herausgeber: Crossway
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 214

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2012

Beschreibung

Considering the pervasive immorality and high divorce rate of our contemporary Christian culture, we evidently need a biblically based, theologically compelling, practical understanding of sex, dating, and relationships. Pastors Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas counteract this problem with their paradigm-shifting view of purity and relationships—a view that challenges even the basic assumptions of evangelical subculture. Unlike most books on dating, this one cuts straight to the heart of dating relationships, asserting with confidence that the line must be drawn at "no sexual activity" whatever. Few have dared to define and apply the Bible's understanding of purity in premarital relationships to this degree, but Heistand and Thomas have done it. Furthermore, both authors are vocational pastors who communicate regularly with the target audience and have a proven ability to express biblical truth in a winsome and compelling manner. Sex, Dating, and Relationships adds a new, almost provocative voice to the conversation that, with straightforward theological insight, pleads with Christians to get serious about honoring Christ with their sexuality.

Leseprobe

“In a world of cyber relationships—fueled by Facebook, texts, and tweets—the issues surrounding sex, dating, and relationships have become increasingly complex and challenging for teens, their friends, and their parents. This cutting-edge treatment of the rapidly changing scene is a must-read for parents, students, counselors, and pastors. A big thanks to Gerald and Jay for helping us think sanely through this head-scratching cultural shift from a realistic and theologically astute perspective.”

Joe Stowell, President, Cornerstone University

“Jay and Gerald have written a provocative book on one of the most pressing issues of our generation—sexual purity. As the authors show, few things necessitate getting to the core of the gospel like our soul’s craving for sexual fulfillment. We cannot think too carefully about what our heavenly Father has said. Even where I reach different conclusions from the authors, I am grateful for another investigation of the biblical data.”

J. D. Greear, Lead Pastor, The Summit Church, Durham,North Carolina

“Simplicity is the strength of this fresh approach to sex, dating, and relationships. If at first you chafe at the idea of ‘dating friendships,’ consider whether any alternative can bring greater glory to God, account for the biblical evidence, and guard against unnecessary heartache.”

Collin Hansen, Editorial Director, The Gospel Coalition; author,Young, Restless, and Reformed

“What a gift this book is to single men and women. Here, in brief space, is clear and closely reasoned advice that is über-biblical and Christ-centered. It flows with life-giving grace. Sex, Dating, and Relationships will be a landmark read for many in this generation.”

Kent Hughes, author, Disciplines of a Godly Young Man

“Christ-centered reflection on sex, dating, and relationships has been a long time coming; thankfully, it has finally arrived. This volume is a must-read for anyone doing ministry among humans.”

Chris Castaldo, Director, Ministry of Gospel Renewal, Billy Graham Center

“Hiestand and Thomas don’t kiss dating goodbye; what fun would that be? Instead, dating is revealed for what it is, which might disturb you. The greatest strength of this book is the contribution the authors make toward thinking biblically about something not in the Bible, which isn’t so easy to do. So it is possible that some might agree with their premises and the trajectory of their arguments, yet differ on some of the specific conclusions. But all will be challenged and blessed by their wise contributions to this vitally important issue.”

Rick Hove, Executive Director, Faculty Commons, Campus Crusade for Christ

“How refreshing! Gerald and Jay have written a biblically based, gospel-oriented book on sex, dating, and relationships—full of genuine, down-to-earth, practical instruction. This is exactly what Christians need to counteract the worldly attitudes and actions so prevalent in our churches today. It is imperative to think through these issues, and this is the best book I have read for doing so. Dating relationships are so fraught with danger that no Christian should embark on that journey without a guide. I strongly recommend this book as just such a guide.”

Jim Samra, Senior Pastor, Calvary Church, Grand Rapids, Michigan

“Gerald and Jay provide solid wisdom for emerging adults and parents on an issue of extreme importance in our day. Young adults who wish to follow Jesus wholeheartedly are faced daily with an onslaught of sexual temptation. What’s more, they are largely ill-equipped to negotiate the sex-saturated culture in which they live. I believe that the teaching in this book, if lived out, will lead to a godly marriage of passion and purity.” 

Joel Willitts, Associate Professor of Biblical and Theological Studies, North Park University; College Pastor, Christ Community Church, St. Charles, Illinois

Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach

Copyright © 2012 by Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas

Published by Crossway                     1300 Crescent Street                     Wheaton, Illinois 60187

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided for by USA copyright law.

Portions of this work were published in Raising Purity: Helping Parents Understand the Bible’s Perspective on Sex, Dating, and Relationships. Copyright © 2010 by Gerald Hiestand (Iustificare Press, Rolling Meadows, IL).

Cover design: Connie Gabbert Design

First printing 2012

Printed in the United States of America

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked nasb are from The New American Standard Bible®. Copyright © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission.

Scripture references marked NIV are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide

Trade paperback ISBN: 978-1-4335-2711-1 PDF ISBN: 978-1-4335-2712-8 Mobipocket ISBN: 978-1-4335-2713-5 EPub ISBN: 978-1-4335-2714-2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataHiestand, Gerald, 1974– Sex, dating, and relationships : a fresh approach / Gerald Heistand and Jay Thomas.            p. cm.        Includes bibliographical references.        ISBN 978-1-4335-2602-2 (hc)        1 . Single people—Religious life. 2. Sex—Religious aspects— Christianity. 3. Dating (Social customs)—Religious aspects— Christianity. I. Thomas, Jay, 1974– . II. Title. BV4596.S5H54          2012 248.8'4—dc23                                                           2011033919

Crossway is a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

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CONTENTS

INTRODUCTIONSearching for Clarity

1

SEX AND THE GOSPELPortraying Our Union with the Divine Nature

2

MORE THAN A SUBJECTIVE STANDARD Purity and the God-Ordained Categories of Male-Female Relationships

3

THE DATING DILEMMA, PART IWhy We Have to Ask, How Far Is Too Far?

4

THE DATING DILEMMA, PART II Paper Walls and Unaided Climbing

5

THE HEART OF THE MATTERUnderstanding the Biblical Perspective on Sexual Desire

6

FALLING IN LOVE ONCEThe Need to Guard Your Heart

7

DATING FRIENDSHIPS Switching Categories without Creating New Ones

8

AN INTEGRATED LIFEPurity as a Lifestyle, Not Just as a Dating Thing

9

A GOD-CENTERED VIEW OF SINGLENESS

CONCLUSION Living by Faith Means Trusting in the Happiness of God

BIBLIOGRAPHY

NOTES

INTRODUCTION

Searching for Clarity

As he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” THE APOSTLE PETER (1 PET. 1:15–16)

The church is in a bit of a mess when it comes to sexual ethics, and Christian singles are bearing the brunt of it. No doubt things could be worse (just read 1 Corinthians 5:11). But certainly we could be doing better. Much better. The “hook-up” culture, so prevalent on the college campus (and now even in our high schools and middle schools) represents a sea change in sexual mores from even twenty years ago. Sex has become casual, devoid of intimacy; it no longer requires even a pretense of ongoing commitment.

Of course, the church doesn’t endorse the new sexual ethic. And the fact that you have this book in your hands likely means that you don’t endorse it either. But the relentless battering of the promiscuity ram against the gates of Christian virtue can exhaust even devout singles.

And the danger is more subtle than an outright assault on one’s virginity. Many Christian singles today lack a clear, biblical vision for sexual purity and relationships that extends beyond a truncated “don’t have sex” concept of purity. What about oral sex? Fondling? Passionate kissing? Where should the lines be drawn? Perhaps even more importantly, who should draw them? Has heaven left each of us to decide for ourselves? For most Christian singles today, the boundary lines that quadron off legitimate physical activity from illegitimate sexual activity are too porous to be of much real use in the heat of the moment. It does little good to bar the gate but leave the back door wide open. Surely God intends us to save more than sex for marriage. But what?

That’s the primary question we hope to answer in this book.

I KISSED KISSING GOOD-BYE?

The advent of Joshua Harris’s book I Kissed Dating Goodbye marked a pivotal moment for Christian singles across North America.1 Based on the number of copies sold, it’s clear that Harris’s push-back against the contemporary evangelical dating scene has been favorably received by many. But not by all. Since the release of Harris’s book there has been a steady stream of “pro-dating” backlashes. 2 Those critical of Harris’s conclusions (perhaps some of our readers) decry what they perceive to be a simplistic approach to biblical interpretation and an anti-creational view of human sexuality. In particular Harris’s no kissing policy has often come under fire. Does the Bible really teach no kissing before marriage? As one critic put it, such stringent conclusions rely on “decontexualized Pauline pronouncements” (i.e., taking the Bible out of context) and, if not handled carefully, can lead to a modern form of legalism.3 Further, many of these writers are questioning what is perceived to be a fear-based, unhealthy suppression of human sexuality. Better to explore the possibility of marriage, they argue, in a relationship that celebrates romantic love and human sexuality than in one based on rules and limits.

Whether the critiques of Harris’s book are fair, the concerns are legitimate. Whatever we conclude about sexual propriety, it’s clear that sex is glorious and full of God-exalting potential. Any approach to sexual standards that views sex as an evil to be avoided, rather than a gift to be celebrated, misses the mark and fails to capture the scriptural ideal. Further, we must not overreach when it comes to establishing scriptural boundaries regarding premarital sexual conduct. Teaching from our own experience is fine, but we must not impose our views upon others in areas where the Bible remains silent.

But God has not been as silent on this issue, as many might think. If you’re searching for a biblical, robust view of relationships and purity, let us invite you on a journey—a journey into the heart of purity and the image of God. We will not be searching for an empty moralism—a pharisaical, legalistic list of do’s and don’ts. We will not be seeking after an outward obedience devoid of heartfelt submission. We will not be looking to set up mechanisms for self-control as though self-control were an end to itself. On this journey we will be searching for the heart of God, expressed fully in the person of Christ. We will be searching for a Son-exalting purity that is not defined by what it isn’t but by what it is. Ultimately—though perhaps you didn’t realize it—we will be searching for the gospel.

As we hope to show, sex, dating, and relationships find their ultimate meaning in the relationship between Jesus and his people; the former testify to the latter. In other words, sex and relationships are all about the gospel. To miss this central truth, we believe, is not only to miss the whole point of romance and sexuality but also to confuse God’s clear boundaries regarding sexual activity between unmarried men and women.

SOME INITIAL ITEMS OF HOUSEKEEPING BEFORE WE BEGIN

But before you dive headlong into this book, we should probably give you a heads-up about a few things. First, this book does not intend to be a comprehensive book on all things “dating.” Though two chapters of this book address the subject of dating (and chapter 7 offers an alternative to contemporary models of dating), the focus of this book is not really about dating, courtship, or how to find a spouse. We have intentionally limited ourselves to the simple aim of clarifying and applying the Bible’s teaching on sexual purity. We touch upon these other topics only as they relate to this central aim. So if you’re looking for a list of “The Ten Best First Dates,” this isn’t that book.

Second, unlike many books on sexual purity, this book does not contain a host of data carefully detailing the repercussions of sexual immorality. An approach to sexual purity that uses the fear of STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and emotional scars as a means of motivating singles to remain sexually pure is based upon the faulty assumption that God’s commands exist solely for our own protection. Though it is true that God’s commands do often protect us from harm (though not always), Scripture makes quite clear that God’s commands are not about what works best for us but about what brings him the most glory. Consequently we will not be relying on the fear factor as we seek to help you strive for a life of purity.

Third, we know many of you come to this book with past regrets. For some of you, you’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t compromised by sexual sin. It’s not our intent to riddle you with guilt. What we offer here is a fresh start. Grace never asks you to go back in time and undo what can’t be undone. It calls you to trust Christ as the one who is what you are not, the one who did what you could not, and the one who will help you become what you could never be on your own. For those wrestling against the stranglehold of regret, we hope this book will unleash in you a hunger for the grace-filled freedom of biblical purity. In fact, as we unpack the connection between purity, sex, and the image of the gospel, you will see that purity is all about grace.

Fourth, it’s not lost on us that many singles today have children of their own or are heavily involved in the lives of children (serving in your church’s junior high ministry, etc.). Much of what we are going to commend in this book is best learned intuitively and organically through a process of teaching and modeling that begins in childhood. So, if you read this book and you find yourself agreeing with its conclusions, we encourage you to think about how you can be an agent of change in the lives of others, particularly younger children who are looking to you for guidance and leadership in this area. How much better it is to grow the tree straight when it is young than try to straighten a bent tree when it is old. It’s our prayer that through this book—its being both read and modeled—God’s perspective on sex and purity will once again become normative for the church.

And finally, if this book is to be of any value to you, you must be committed to letting the Bible speak louder than the buzzing background noise of our contemporary evangelical subculture. We’re going to be frank here: what we’re commending does not fit neatly into the mainstream culture of the church, much less the wider secular culture. But while our perspective is a bit out of step with cultural norms, what we offer here is clear, biblical, and life giving. So gin up your moral courage and press on. We don’t believe you’ll be disappointed.

CONCLUSION

For too long the church’s fuzzy thinking has allowed singles to wander aimlessly in their search for sexual purity. The road is long—longer than when previous generations had to travel it. It is wrought with pitfalls and moral hazards that threaten destruction and death, both literally and spiritually. Yet the fact that you have this book in your hands is an indication that you long to see your life track along the path God has ordained. God longs for this as well, and he promises a good return for your investment of faith.

We may not be right about everything we’ve written (but who writes a book if he thinks he is wrong?). Regardless, it is our prayer that God will use at least some of what we have written here to help clarify the Bible’s teaching on sex, relationships, and purity—that the glory and image of the gospel might be seen ever more clearly in the lives of Christian singles. May he turn our very gray world of subjectivity into a black-and-white world of Christ-honoring, grace-filled, sexual purity!

1

SEX AND THE GOSPEL

Portraying Our Union with the Divine Nature

[Christ is] united to you by a spiritual union, so close as to be fitly represented by the union of the wife to the husband. JONATHAN EDWARDS

Adam, . . . a type of Him who was to come. THE APOSTLE PAUL (ROM. 5:14 NASB)

On the whole, human beings are fascinated with sex—men and women, young and old, Christians, atheists, and everyone in between. In all cultures, throughout all of history, sexual desire has been one of the greatest motivators of the human will. Men and women throw away their families, houses, money, and land in order to be sexually satisfied. Some are addicted to it. Wars have been fought over it. We compose songs about it, make movies about it, and write stories about it. And this preoccupation with sex is not simply a facet of our fallen nature. Even one whole book of the Bible (the Song of Solomon) is dedicated to celebrating the sexual relationship between the husband and wife.

But have you ever wondered why all the fuss? Why did God create us as sexual people in the first place? We remember learning in science class about the asexual reproduction of single-celled organisms and being grateful that God had chosen a different method of reproduction for humans. The thought of mitosis didn’t (and still doesn’t) sound as appealing as the method of reproduction that God gave us. We suspect you agree. But why did God choose to create us as sexual beings? He was obviously not tied to a need for sexual reproduction in order to propagate the species. He just as easily could have created humans as asexual creatures that reproduce like amoebas.

Until we understand why God created sex, we will never sufficiently make sense of his commands regarding sexual purity, for his commands always relate to his purposes. So to establish a biblical understanding of sexual purity, this chapter is dedicated to capturing a biblical understanding of sex itself.

LAYING THE FOUNDATION: UNDERSTANDING THE PURPOSE OF SEX

The primary reason that many of us do not adequately understand sex is that many of us do not adequately understand how sex relates to the gospel. You read that right: sex and the gospel are intrinsically linked. In fact, to understand one is to make sense of the other.

Shocking though this may seem, Scripture expressly states that God created sex to serve as a living portrait of the life-changing spiritual union that believers have with God through Christ. Understanding how sex serves this function is absolutely essential for understanding not only why God created us as sexual beings but also why God commands what he does regarding sexual purity. Ultimately, we will discover that God created the physical oneness of sex to serve as a visible image, or type, of the spiritual union that exists between Christ and the church. Though it may seem at first that we are diverging far from the primary topic of sexual purity, you will quickly see the relevance of our discussion.

TYPES IN THE BIBLE

Many of history’s greatest theologians built their theology around the idea that the image of God and his purposes could be seen in all facets of human existence. Jonathan Edwards and Augustine were two such theologians. Both men believed God created all of life to serve as visible portraits of invisible realities. To see the love between a father and his son, for example, was to see a reflection of the love between God the Father and God the Son. To see the destruction caused by fire was to see a picture of the wrath of God. To see the creativity of an artist was to see a reflection of the creativity of God.1

Seeing earthly entities as pictures of divine realities is readily affirmed in much of Scripture. Romans 5:14, for example, describes Adam as a type of Christ. The word type comes from the Greek word tupos, which literally means “blow” or “impression” and refers to the indentation a hammer creates after it strikes wood or metal. Just as an indentation represents that which made it, so too a type points to, or represents, something other than itself. Often translated in the New Testament as “example,” a biblical type is a model or image of Christ and his redemptive work. Adam, then, is a shadow, or an image of Christ. Just as Adam’s choice in the garden of Eden had ramifications for his posterity, so too Christ’s choice in the garden of Gethsemane had ramifications for his posterity. Thus Adam’s existence and actions point us toward that which he represents—namely, Christ and his redemptive work.

Perhaps the clearest example of a type found in the Bible is that of the Passover lamb. A brief recounting of the story of the Passover (found in Exodus 11–12) will help us get a clear sense of how types function in Scripture. As you may recall, the children of Israel spent some time in the land of Egypt. Things were not going particularly well (slavery, oppression, forced infanticide), and so God raised up Moses to lead the people out of Egypt and into the land of promise. To outfit him for the task, Moses was granted the ability to perform great and wondrous plagues that were intended to persuade Pharaoh to release the Israelites. Moses confronted Pharaoh, who refused to cooperate, and so plague after plague washed over the land of Egypt. Finally, the Lord told Moses that a final plague was needed—the death of every firstborn son in the land of Egypt—and that with this plague Pharaoh would relent. But this plague was to be different. God would no longer work indirectly through Moses. This plague would be carried out by God himself (Ex. 11:4). Good news, on one hand, but troubling on the other. People of God or not, the Israelites were no better prepared to face a holy God than were the Egyptians. Ironically, they were in need of being delivered from their Deliverer. And so God instructed them to sacrifice a lamb and to take the blood of the lamb and paint it over the door posts of the house.

I will pass through the land of Egypt that night, and I will strike all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and on all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgments: I am the Lord. The blood shall be a sign for you, on the houses where you are. And when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and no plague will befall you to destroy you, when I strike the land of Egypt. (Ex. 12:12–13)

And so it happened. The wrath of God fell upon the land of Egypt, but the Israelites were spared from God’s just judgment through the blood of the lamb and delivered out of the bondage of Pharaoh’s slavery into the land of promise. The typological implications are evident. Just as the children of Israel were delivered through the blood of a lamb, so too we are spared from God’s just judgment through the blood of Christ and are delivered out of the bondage of sin’s slavery into the heavenly land of promise.

And of great significance for our purposes is the divine intent in all of this. The similarities between the death of the Passover lamb and the death of Christ are no mere happy coincidence. The children of Israel were instructed by the Lord to celebrate the Passover meal every year as an ongoing reminder of their deliverance from Egypt. But what they didn’t know was that the meal also pointed forward—forward to the day when the true Passover Lamb would come. The celebration of the Passover lamb, was, we now see, not really about deliverance from a temporal tyrant. No, it was most fundamentally about Christ. The death of the Passover lamb was a divinely instituted foreshadowing of Christ’s redemptive work. Jesus himself, while celebrating the Passover meal with his disciples, connected his pending death with the death of the Passover lamb (Matt. 26:28). And John the Baptist, upon seeing Jesus at his baptism, proclaimed, “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world” (John 1:29). And most explicitly, the apostle Paul declared Christ to be “our Passover lamb” (1 Cor. 5:7).

Thus a type serves as a prophetic pointer toward a deeper heavenly reality. Scripture is replete with such analogies. Hebrews 11:19 refers to Isaac as a type of Christ, for just as Abraham received him back from certain death, so we too have received Christ back from the dead. The priesthood of Melchizedek, the ancient priest-king of Jerusalem, was a picture of the eternal priesthood of Christ. In Galatians Paul uses the two sons of Abraham, Isaac and Ishmael, as representatives of two contrasting covenants (the new and the old). And, as we will see from Scripture, just as the Passover lamb of the Old Testament served as a type, or foreshadowing, of Christ’s redemptive sacrifice, so also sex was created by God to serve as a living witness to the gospel. In other words, when we think of sex, we should ultimately think of the gospel.

Perhaps some of you are already thinking, “I’ve heard that the marriage relationship reflects Christ and the church, but the act of sex itself? Really?”