The Collected Works of Jerome Klapka Jerome E-Book

• Herausgeber: PergamonMedia
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Serie: Highlights of World Literature
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 5522

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Beschreibung

This comprehensive eBook presents significant works of this famous and brilliant writer in one ebook - estimated 6100 pages easy-to-read and easy-to-navigate: • Three Men in a Boat • The Observations of Henry • The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow • Three Men on the Bummel • Told After Supper • The Prude's Progress and Eden Phillpotts • The Second Thoughts of an Idle Fellow • Diary of a Pilgrimage • Three Men in a Boat • Idle Ideas in • My First Book:Various • Clocks • The Philosopher's Joke • Sketches in Lavender, Blue and Green • Fanny and the Servant Problem • Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog) • Stage-Land • Passing of the Third Floor Back • All Roads Lead to Calvary • Dreams • Tommy and Co. • The Angel and the Author, and Others • The Cost of Kindness • Novel Notes • Tea-Table Talk • They and I • The Observations of Henry • John Ingerfield, and Other Stories • The Master of Mrs. Chilvers: An Improbable Comedy • Malvina of Brittany • Mrs. Korner Sins Her Mercies • The Soul of Nicholas Snyders; Or, The Miser of Zandam • Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow • Paul Kelver • Evergreens • The Love of Ulrich Nebendahl • etc.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

THREE MEN IN A BOAT (to say nothing of the dog).

PREFACE.

CHAPTER I.

CHAPTER II.

CHAPTER III.

CHAPTER IV.

CHAPTER V.

CHAPTER VI.

CHAPTER VII.

CHAPTER VIII.

CHAPTER IX.

CHAPTER X.

CHAPTER XI.

CHAPTER XII.

CHAPTER XIII.

CHAPTER XIV.

CHAPTER XV.

CHAPTER XVI.

CHAPTER XVII.

CHAPTER XVIII.

CHAPTER XIX.

THREE MEN ON THE BUMMEL

CHAPTER I

CHAPTER II

CHAPTER III

CHAPTER IV

CHAPTER V

CHAPTER VI

CHAPTER VII

CHAPTER VIII

CHAPTER IX

CHAPTER X

CHAPTER XI

CHAPTER XII

CHAPTER XIII

CHAPTER XIV

THEY AND I

CHAPTER I

CHAPTER II

CHAPTER III

CHAPTER IV

CHAPTER V

CHAPTER VI

CHAPTER VII

CHAPTER VIII

CHAPTER IX

CHAPTER X

CHAPTER XI

CHAPTER XII

THE SOUL OF NICHOLAS SNYDERS, OR THE MISER OF ZANDAM

NOVEL NOTES

CHAPTER I

CHAPTER II

CHAPTER III

CHAPTER IV

CHAPTER V

CHAPTER VI

CHAPTER VII

CHAPTER VIII

CHAPTER IX

CHAPTER X

CHAPTER XI

CHAPTER XII

STAGE-LAND.

TO THAT HIGHLY RESPECTABLE BUT UNNECESSARILY RETIRING INDIVIDUAL, OF WHOM WE HEAR SO MUCH BUT SEE SO LITTLE, "THE EARNEST STUDENT OF THE DRAMA," THIS (COMPARATIVELY) TRUTHFUL LITTLE BOOK IS LOVINGLY DEDICATED.

Contents

STAGE-LAND.

THE HERO.

THE VILLAIN.

THE HEROINE.

THE COMIC MAN.

THE LAWYER.

THE ADVENTURESS.

THE SERVANT-GIRL.

THE CHILD.

THE COMIC LOVERS.

THE PEASANTS.

THE GOOD OLD MAN.

THE IRISHMAN.

THE DETECTIVE.

THE SAILOR.

PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK

THE PHILOSOPHER'S JOKE

MRS. KORNER SINS HER MERCIES

MALVINA OF BRITTANY

Contents.

MALVINA OF BRITTANY.

THE STREET OF THE BLANK WALL.

HIS EVENING OUT.

THE LESSON.

SYLVIA OF THE LETTERS.

THE FAWN GLOVES.

MALVINA OF BRITTANY.

THE PREFACE.

I. THE STORY.

II. HOW IT CAME ABOUT.

III. HOW COUSIN CHRISTOPHER BECAME MIXED UP WITH IT.

IV. HOW IT WAS KEPT FROM MRS. ARLINGTON.

V. HOW IT WAS TOLD TO MRS. MARIGOLD.

VI. AND HOW IT WAS FINISHED TOO SOON.

THE PROLOGUE.

THE STREET OF THE BLANK WALL.

HIS EVENING OUT.

THE LESSON.

SYLVIA OF THE LETTERS.

THE FAWN GLOVES.

THE MASTER of MRS. CHILVERS

THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW.

PREFACE

Contents

THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW.

ON BEING IDLE.

ON BEING IN LOVE.

ON BEING IN THE BLUES.

ON BEING HARD UP.

ON VANITY AND VANITIES.

ON GETTING ON IN THE WORLD.

ON THE WEATHER.

ON CATS AND DOGS.

ON BEING SHY.

ON BABIES.

ON EATING AND DRINKING.

ON FURNISHED APARTMENTS.

"Oh, you have some rooms to let."

ON DRESS AND DEPORTMENT.

ON MEMORY.

Fanny and the Servant Problem

EVERGREENS

DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE

CLOCKS

CLOCKS.

THE SECOND THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW

Contents

ON THE ART OF MAKING UP ONE'S MIND

ON THE DISADVANTAGE OF NOT GETTING WHAT ONE WANTS

ON THE EXCEPTIONAL MERIT ATTACHING TO THE THINGS WE MEANT TO DO

ON THE PREPARATION AND EMPLOYMENT OF LOVE PHILTRES

ON THE DELIGHTS AND BENEFITS OF SLAVERY

ON THE CARE AND MANAGEMENT OF WOMEN

ON THE MINDING OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS

ON THE TIME WASTED IN LOOKING BEFORE ONE LEAPS

Have you ever noticed the going out of a woman?

ON THE NOBILITY OF OURSELVES

ON THE MOTHERLINESS OF MAN

ON THE INADVISABILITY OF FOLLOWING ADVICE

ON THE PLAYING OF MARCHES AT THE FUNERALS OF MARIONETTES

IDLE IDEAS in 1905

CONTENTS.

p. 1ARE WE AS INTERESTING AS WE THINK WE ARE?

p. 16SHOULD WOMEN BE BEAUTIFUL?

p. 29WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO BE MERRY?

p. 46DO WE LIE A-BED TOO LATE?

p. 60SHOULD MARRIED MEN PLAY GOLF?

p. 74ARE EARLY MARRIAGES A MISTAKE?

p. 89DO WRITERS WRITE TOO MUCH?

p. 105SHOULD SOLDIERS BE POLITE?

p. 122OUGHT STORIES TO BE TRUE?

p. 141CREATURES THAT ONE DAY SHALL BE MEN.

p. 158HOW TO BE HAPPY THOUGH LITTLE.

p. 173SHOULD WE SAY WHAT WE THINK, OR THINK WHAT WE SAY?

p. 186IS THE AMERICAN HUSBAND MADE ENTIRELY OF STAINED GLASS.

p. 199DOES THE YOUNG MAN KNOW EVERYTHING WORTH KNOWING?

p. 213HOW MANY CHARMS HATH MUSIC, WOULD YOU SAY?

p. 225THE WHITE MAN’S BURDEN! NEED IT BE SO HEAVY?

p. 238WHY DIDN’T HE MARRY THE GIRL?

p. 251WHAT MRS. WILKINS THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

p. 264SHALL WE BE RUINED BY CHINESE CHEAP LABOUR?

p. 278HOW TO SOLVE THE SERVANT PROBLEM.

p. 292WHY WE HATE THE FOREIGNER.

THE ANGEL AND THE AUTHOR —AND OTHERS

CHAPTER I

The Author tells of his Good Deeds.

The Angel appears to have made a slight Mistake.

The Author is troubled concerning his Investments.

And questions a Man of Thought.

CHAPTER II

Philosophy and the Dæmon.

When the Dæmon will not work.

CHAPTER III

Literature and the Middle Classes.

May a man of intelligence live, say, in Surbiton?

CHAPTER IV

Man and his Master.

Why the Man in Uniform has, generally, sad Eyes.

The Traveller’s one Friend.

The disadvantage of being an unknown Person.

CHAPTER V

If only we had not lost our Tails!

And little Boys would always tell the Truth!

And everyone obtained his just Deserts!

And only people would do Parlour Tricks who do them well!

And all the World had Sense!

CHAPTER VI

Fire and the Foreigner.

My British Stupidity.

I am considered Cold and Mad.

Sometimes I wish I were an American Woman.

CHAPTER VII

Too much Postcard.

The Postcard as a Family Curse.

The Artist’s Dream.

Why not the Eternal Male for a change?

How Women are ruined by Art.

Difficulty of living up to the Poster.

CHAPTER VIII

The Lady and the Problem.

The Stage Hero who, for once, had Justice done to him.

She has a way of mislaying her Husband.

What is a Lady to do with a Husband when she has finished with him?

Could she—herself—have been to blame?

CHAPTER IX

Civilization and the Unemployed.

Early instances of “Dumping.”

Cricket, as viewed from the fixed Stars.

The Heir of all Ages. His Inheritance.

Is it “Playing the Game?”

CHAPTER X

Patience and the Waiter.

Waiterkind in the making.

His Little Mistakes.

How to insult him.

CHAPTER XI

The everlasting Newness of Woman.

Doctor says she is not to be bothered.

That “Higher Life.”

Is there anything left for her to learn?

When they have tried it the other way round.

A brutal suggestion.

CHAPTER XII

Why I hate Heroes.

Because it always seems to be his Day.

Because he always “gets there,” without any trouble.

Because he’s so damned clever.

And, finally, because I don’t believe he’s true.

CHAPTER XIII

How to be Healthy and Unhappy.

The unsympathetic Umbrella.

A Martyr to Health.

He was never pig-headed.

Only just in time.

How to avoid Everything.

The one Cure-All.

CHAPTER XIV

Europe and the bright American Girl.

She has the Art of Listening.

The Republican Idea in practice.

What the Soldier dared not do.

Her path of Usefulness.

CHAPTER XV

Music and the Savage.

Recreation for the Higher clergy.

Why are we so young?

Where Brotherly (and Sisterly) Love reigns supreme.

The one sure Joke.

How Anarchists are made.

CHAPTER XVI

The Ghost and the Blind Children.

Why not, occasionally, a cheerful Ghost.

Where are the dead Humorists?

The Spirit does not shine as a Conversationalist.

She is now a Believer.

How does he do it?

Blind Children playing in a World of Darkness.

CHAPTER XVII

Parents and their Teachers.

Their first attempt.

The Parent can do no right.

His foolish talk.

The Child of Fiction.

The misunderstood Father.

CHAPTER XVIII

Marriage and the Joke of it.

Love and the Satyr.

What the Gipsy did not mention.

A few rules for Married Happiness.

The real Darby and Joan.

Many ways of Love.

Which is it?

CHAPTER XIX

Man and his Tailor.

The difficulty of being a Gentleman.

How we might, all of us, be Gentlemen.

Things a Gentleman should never do.

How one may know the perfect Gentleman.

Why not an Exhibition of Gentlemen?

CHAPTER XX

Woman and her behaviour.

Woman’s God.

Those unsexed Creatures.

References given—and required.

The ideal World.

A Lover’s View.

No time to think of Husbands.

The Wife of the Future.

PAUL KELVER

PROLOGUE.

CHAPTER I

CHAPTER II.

IN WHICH PAUL MAKES ACQUAINTANCE OF THE MAN WITH THE UGLY MOUTH.

CHAPTER III.

HOW GOOD LUCK KNOCKED AT THE DOOR OF THE MAN IN GREY.

CHAPTER IV.

CHAPTER V.

IN WHICH THERE COMES BY ONE BENT UPON PURSUING HIS OWN WAY.

CHAPTER VI.

CHAPTER VII.

OF THE PASSING OF THE SHADOW.

CHAPTER VIII.

HOW THE MAN IN GREY MADE READY FOR HIS GOING.

CHAPTER IX.

OF THE FASHIONING OF PAUL.

CHAPTER X.

IN WHICH PAUL IS SHIPWRECKED, AND CAST INTO DEEP WATERS.

CHAPTER I

DESCRIBES THE DESERT ISLAND TO WHICH PAUL WAS DRIFTED.

CHAPTER II.

CHAPTER III.

CHAPTER IV.

LEADS TO A MEETING.

CHAPTER V.

HOW ON A SWEET GREY MORNING THE FUTURE CAME TO PAUL.

CHAPTER VI.

OF THE GLORY AND GOODNESS AND THE EVIL THAT GO TO THE MAKING OF LOVE.

CHAPTER VII.

HOW PAUL SET FORTH UPON A QUEST.

CHAPTER VIII.

AND HOW CAME BACK AGAIN.

CHAPTER IX.

THE PRINCESS OF THE GOLDEN LOCKS SENDS PAUL A RING.

CHAPTER X.

PAUL FINDS HIS WAY.

TOMMY AND CO.

DREAMS

Sketches in Lavender Blue and Green

JOHN INGERFIELD AND OTHER STORIES

TO THE GENTLE READER; also TO THE GENTLE CRITIC.

IN REMEMBRANCE OF JOHN INGERFIELD, AND OF ANNE, HIS WIFE A STORY OF OLD LONDON, IN TWO CHAPTERS

CHAPTER I.

CHAPTER II.

THE WOMAN OF THE SÆTER.

VARIETY PATTER.

SILHOUETTES.

THE LEASE OF THE “CROSS KEYS.”

THE COST OF KINDNESS

TOLD AFTER SUPPER

INTRODUCTORY

NOW THE STORIES CAME TO BE TOLD

TEDDY BIFFLES' STORY

SACRED TO THE MEMORY OF EMILY HER LAST WORDS WERE - "TELL JOHNSON I LOVE HIM"

INTERLUDE—THE DOCTOR'S STORY

INTERLUDE

THE BLUE CHAMBER

A PERSONAL EXPLANATION

MY OWN STORY

TEA-TABLE TALK

THE LOVE OF ULRICH NEBENDAHL

THE OBSERVATIONS OF HENRY

ALL ROADS LEAD TO CALVARY

THREE MEN IN A BOAT (to say nothing of the dog).

PREFACE.

The chief beauty of this book lies not so much in its literary style, or in the extent and usefulness of the information it conveys, as in its simple truthfulness. Its pages form the record of events that really happened. All that has been done is to colour them; and, for this, no extra charge has been made. George and Harris and Montmorency are not poetic ideals, but things of flesh and blood—especially George, who weighs about twelve stone. Other works may excel this in depth of thought and knowledge of human nature: other books may rival it in originality and size; but, for hopeless and incurable veracity, nothing yet discovered can surpass it. This, more than all its other charms, will, it is felt, make the volume precious in the eye of the earnest reader; and will lend additional weight to the lesson that the story teaches.

London, August, 1889.

CHAPTER I.

Three invalids.—Sufferings of George and Harris.—A victim to one hundred and seven fatal maladies.—Useful prescriptions.—Cure for liver complaint in children.—We agree that we are overworked, and need rest.—A week on the rolling deep?—George suggests the River.—Montmorency lodges an objection.—Original motion carried by majority of three to one.

There were four of us—George, and William Samuel Harris, and myself, and Montmorency. We were sitting in my room, smoking, and talking about how bad we were—bad from a medical point of view I mean, of course.

We were all feeling seedy, and we were getting quite nervous about it. Harris said he felt such extraordinary fits of giddiness come over him at times, that he hardly knew what he was doing; and then George said that he had fits of giddiness too, and hardly knew what he was doing. With me, it was my liver that was out of order. I knew it was my liver that was out of order, because I had just been reading a patent liver-pill circular, in which were detailed the various symptoms by which a man could tell when his liver was out of order. I had them all.

It is a most extraordinary thing, but I never read a patent medicine advertisement without being impelled to the conclusion that I am suffering from the particular disease therein dealt with in its most virulent form. The diagnosis seems in every case to correspond exactly with all the sensations that I have ever felt.

I remember going to the British Museum one day to read up the treatment for some slight ailment of which I had a touch—hay fever, I fancy it was. I got down the book, and read all I came to read; and then, in an unthinking moment, I idly turned the leaves, and began to indolently study diseases, generally. I forget which was the first distemper I plunged into—some fearful, devastating scourge, I know—and, before I had glanced half down the list of “premonitory symptoms,” it was borne in upon me that I had fairly got it.

I sat for awhile, frozen with horror; and then, in the listlessness of despair, I again turned over the pages. I came to typhoid fever—read the symptoms—discovered that I had typhoid fever, must have had it for months without knowing it—wondered what else I had got; turned up St. Vitus’s Dance—found, as I expected, that I had that too,—began to get interested in my case, and determined to sift it to the bottom, and so started alphabetically—read up ague, and learnt that I was sickening for it, and that the acute stage would commence in about another fortnight. Bright’s disease, I was relieved to find, I had only in a modified form, and, so far as that was concerned, I might live for years. Cholera I had, with severe complications; and diphtheria I seemed to have been born with. I plodded conscientiously through the twenty-six letters, and the only malady I could conclude I had not got was housemaid’s knee.