The Daily Trading Coach E-Book

Brett N. Steenbarger

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Serie: Wiley Trading Series
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 715

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2009

Beschreibung

Praise for THE DAILY TRADING COACH "A great book! Simply written, motivational with unique content that leads any trader, novice or experienced, along the path of self-coaching. This is by far Dr. Steenbarger's best book and a must-have addition to any trader's bookshelf. I'll certainly be recommending it to all my friends." --Ray Barros CEO, Ray Barros Trading Group "Dr. Steenbarger has been helping traders help themselves for many years. Simply put, this book is a must-read for anyone who desires to achieve great success in the market." --Charles E. Kirk The Kirk Report "'Dr. Brett', as he is affectionately known by his blog readers, has assembled a practical guide to self coaching in this excellent book. The strategies he outlines are further enhanced with numerous resources and exercises for the reader to refer to and keep the principles fresh. I enthusiastically encourage anyone interested in bettering their trading and investing to read this book and keep it on their desk as a constant source of learning." --Brian Shannon, www.alphatrends.net author of Technical Analysis Using Multiple Timeframes "Dr. Brett has distilled his years of experience, as both a trader and a psychologist/coach, into the 101 practical lessons found in The Daily Trading Coach. Those lessons provide effective strategies for coping with the stumbling blocks that traders often face. This book should be a cornerstone of any serious trader's library." --Michael Seneadza equities trader and blogger at TraderMike.net

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Epigraph

Preface

Acknowledgements

Introduction

CHAPTER 1 - Change The Process and the Practice

LESSON 1: DRAW ON EMOTION TO BECOME A CHANGE AGENT

LESSON 2: PSYCHOLOGICAL VISIBILITY AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TRADING COACH

LESSON 3: MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR WEAKNESS

LESSON 4: CHANGE YOUR ENVIRONMENT, CHANGE YOURSELF

LESSON 5: TRANSFORM EMOTION BY TRACE-FORMATION

LESSON 6: FIND THE RIGHT MIRRORS

LESSON 7: CHANGE OUR FOCUS

LESSON 8: CREATE SCRIPTS FOR LIFE CHANGE

LESSON 9: HOW TO BUILD YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE

LESSON 10: FIVE BEST PRACTICES FOR EFFECTING AND SUSTAINING CHANGE

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 2 - Stress andDistress Creative Coping for Traders

LESSON 11: UNDERSTANDING STRESS

LESSON 12: ANTIDOTES FOR TOXIC TRADING ASSUMPTIONS

LESSON 13: WHAT CAUSES THE DISTRESS THAT INTERFERES WITH TRADING DECISIONS?

LESSON 14: KEEP A PSYCHOLOGICAL JOURNAL

LESSON 15: PRESSING: WHEN YOU TRY TOO HARD TO MAKE MONEY

LESSON 16: WHEN YOU’RE READY TO HANG IT UP

LESSON 17: WHAT TO DO WHEN FEAR TAKES OVER

LESSON 18: PERFORMANCE ANXIETY: THE MOST COMMON TRADING PROBLEM

LESSON 19: SQUARE PEGS AND ROUND HOLES

LESSON 20: VOLATILITY OF MARKETS AND VOLATILITY OF MOOD

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 3 - PsychologicalWell-Being Enhancing Trading Experience

LESSON 21: THE IMPORTANCE OF FEELING GOOD

LESSON 22: BUILD YOUR HAPPINESS

LESSON 23: GET INTO THE ZONE

LESSON 24: TRADE WITH ENERGY

LESSON 25: INTENTION AND GREATNESS: EXERCISE THE BRAIN THROUGH PLAY

LESSON 26: CULTIVATE THE QUIET MIND

LESSON 27: BUILD EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE

LESSON 28: INTEGRITY AND DOING THE RIGHT THING

LESSON 29: MAXIMIZE CONFIDENCE AND STAY WITH YOUR TRADES

LESSON 30: COPING—TURN STRESS INTO WELL-BEING

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 4 - Steps towardSelf-Improvement The Coaching Process

LESSON 31: SELF-MONITOR BY KEEPING A TRADING JOURNAL

LESSON 32: RECOGNIZE YOUR PATTERNS

LESSON 33: ESTABLISH COSTS AND BENEFITS TO PATTERNS

LESSON 34: SET EFFECTIVE GOALS

LESSON 35: BUILD ON YOUR BEST: MAINTAIN A SOLUTION FOCUS

LESSON 36: DISRUPT OLD PROBLEM PATTERNS

LESSON 37: BUILD YOUR CONSISTENCY BY BECOMING RULE-GOVERNED

LESSON 38: RELAPSE AND REPETITION

LESSON 39: CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR CHANGE

LESSON 40: USE IMAGERY TO ADVANCE THE CHANGE PROCESS

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 5 - Breaking OldPatternsPsychodynamic Frameworksfor Self-Coaching

LESSON 41: PSYCHODYNAMICS: ESCAPE THE GRAVITY OF PAST RELATIONSHIPS

LESSON 42: CRYSTALLIZE OUR REPETITIVE PATTERNS

LESSON 43: CHALLENGE OUR DEFENSES

LESSON 44: ONCE AGAIN, WITH FEELING: GET DISTANCE FROM YOUR PROBLEM PATTERNS

LESSON 45: MAKE THE MOST OUT OF YOUR COACHING RELATIONSHIP

LESSON 46: FIND POSITIVE TRADING RELATIONSHIPS

LESSON 47: TOLERATE DISCOMFORT

LESSON 48: MASTER TRANSFERENCE

LESSON 49: THE POWER OF DISCREPANCY

LESSON 50: WORKING THROUGH

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 6 - RemappingPsychodynamic Frameworksfor Self-Coachingthe Mind ...

LESSON 51: SCHEMAS OF THE MIND

LESSON 52: USE FEELING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR THINKING

LESSON 53: LEARN FROM YOUR WORST TRADES

LESSON 54: USE A JOURNAL TO RESTRUCTURE OUR THINKING

LESSON 55: DISRUPT NEGATIVE THOUGHT PATTERNS

LESSON 56: REFRAME NEGATIVE THOUGHT PATTERNS

LESSON 57: USE INTENSIVE GUIDED IMAGERY TO CHANGE THOUGHT PATTERNS

LESSON 58: CHALLENGE NEGATIVE THOUGHT PATTERNS WITH THE COGNITIVE JOURNAL

LESSON 59: CONDUCT COGNITIVE EXPERIMENTS TO CREATE CHANGE

LESSON 60: BUILD POSITIVE THINKING

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 7 - Learning NewAction Patterns Behavioral Approaches toSelf-Coaching

LESSON 61: UNDERSTAND YOUR CONTINGENCIES

LESSON 62: IDENTIFY SUBTLE CONTINGENCIES

LESSON 63: HARNESS THE POWER OF SOCIAL LEARNING

LESSON 64: SHAPE YOUR TRADING BEHAVIORS

LESSON 65: THE CONDITIONING OF MARKETS

LESSON 66: THE POWER OF INCOMPATIBILITY

LESSON 67: BUILD ON POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS

LESSON 68: EXPOSURE: A POWERFUL AND FLEXIBLE BEHAVIORAL METHOD

LESSON 69: EXTEND EXPOSURE WORK TO BUILD SKILLS

LESSON 70: A BEHAVIORAL FRAMEWORK FOR DEALING WITH WORRY

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 8 - Coaching YourTrading Business

LESSON 71: THE IMPORTANCE OF STARTUP CAPITAL

LESSON 72: PLAN YOUR TRADING BUSINESS

LESSON 73: DIVERSIFY YOUR TRADING BUSINESS

LESSON 74: TRACK YOUR TRADING RESULTS

LESSON 75: ADVANCED SCOREKEEPING FOR YOUR TRADING BUSINESS

LESSON 76: TRACK THE CORRELATIONS OF YOUR RETURNS

LESSON 77: CALIBRATE YOUR RISK AND REWARD

LESSON 78: THE IMPORTANCE OF EXECUTION IN TRADING

LESSON 79: THINK IN THEMES—GENERATING GOOD TRADING IDEAS

LESSON 80: MANAGE THE TRADE

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 9 - Lessons fromTradingProfessionals Resources and Perspectiveson Self-Coaching

LESSON 81: LEVERAGE CORE COMPETENCIES AND CULTIVATE CREATIVITY

LESSON 82: I ALONE AM RESPONSIBLE

LESSON 83: CULTIVATE SELF-AWARENESS

LESSON 84: MENTOR YOURSELF FOR SUCCESS

LESSON 85: KEEP DETAILED RECORDS

LESSON 86: LEARN TO BE FALLIBLE

LESSON 87: THE POWER OF RESEARCH

LESSON 88: ATTITUDES AND GOALS, THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF SUCCESS

LESSON 89: A VIEW FROM THE TRADING FIRMS

LESSON 90: USE DATA TO IMPROVE TRADING PERFORMANCE

RESOURCES

CHAPTER 10 - Looking forthe Edge Finding Historical Patternsin Markets

LESSON 91: USE HISTORICAL PATTERNS IN TRADING

LESSON 92: FRAME GOOD HYPOTHESES WITH THE RIGHT DATA

LESSON 93: EXCEL BASICS

LESSON 94: VISUALIZE YOUR DATA

LESSON 95: CREATE YOUR INDEPENDENT AND DEPENDENT VARIABLES

LESSON 96: CONDUCT YOUR HISTORICAL INVESTIGATIONS

LESSON 97: CODE THE DATA

LESSON 98: EXAMINE CONTEXT

LESSON 99: FILTER DATA

LESSON 100: MAKE USE OF YOUR FINDINGS

RESOURCES

Conclusion

About the Author

Index

Founded in 1807, John Wiley & Sons is the oldest independent publishing company in the United States. With offices in North America, Europe, Australia and Asia, Wiley is globally committed to developing and marketing print and electronic products and services for our customers’ professional and personal knowledge and understanding.

The Wiley Trading series features books by traders who have survived the market’s ever changing temperament and have prospered—some by reinventing systems, others by getting back to basics. Whether a novice trader, professional or somewhere in-between, these books will provide the advice and strategies needed to prosper today and well into the future.

For a list of available titles, visit our Web site at www.WileyFinance.com.

Copyright © 2009 by Brett N. Steenbarger. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.

Published simultaneously in Canada.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Steenbarger, Brett N.

The daily trading coach : 101 lessons for becoming your own trading psychologist /Brett N. Steenbarger.p. cm. - (Wiley trading series)

Includes index.

eISBN : 978-0-470-45667-5

1. Stocks-Psychological aspects. 2. Speculation-Psychological aspects.

3. Investments-Psychological aspects. 4. Self-help techniques. 5. Personal coaching.

I. Title. II. Title: Becoming your own trading psychologist.

HG6041.S757 2009

332.6’.4019-dc22

2008041524

.

What? A great man? I always see merelythe play-actor of his own ideal.

—Friedrich Nietzsche

Preface

The goal of The Daily Trading Coach is to teach you as muchasp ossible about coaching, so that you can mentor yourself to success in the financial markets. The key word in the title is “Daily.” This book is designed to be a resource that you can use every day to build upon strengths and overcome weaknesses.

After writing two books—The Psychology of Trading and Enhancing Trader Performance—and penning more than 1,800 posts for the TraderFeed blog (www.traderfeed.blogspot.com/), I thought I had pretty well covered the terrain of trading psychology. Now, just three years after the publication of the performance book, I’ve once again taken electronic pen to paper, completing a trading psychology trilogy by focusing on the process of coaching.

Two realities led to The Daily Trading Coach. First, a review of the traffic patterns on the TraderFeed blog revealed that a large number of readers—about a third—were accessing the site during the hour or so immediately prior to the market open. I found this interesting, as most of the posts do not offer specific trading advice. Rather, posts deal with topics of psychology and performance—ones that should be relevant at any hour of the day.

When I asked a group of trusted readers about this pattern, they responded that they were using the blog as a kind of surrogate trading coach. Reviewing the posts was their way of reminding themselves of their plans and intentions before going entering the financial battlefield. This was confirmed when I gathered statistics about the most popular (and commented upon) posts on the blog. The majority were practical posts dealing with trading psychology. Most were uplifting in content, even as they challenged the assumptions of readers. It seemed as though traders were looking for coaching and finding some measure of it in the blog.

The second reality shaping this book involves digital publication and the rapid changes sweeping the publishing world. To this point, relatively few electronic books (e-books) have been offered to traders. When those books are available, they are little more than screen versions of the print text. Despite the allure and convenience of electronic publishing, few traders I consulted actually sought out or used e-books. The most common complaint among traders was that they did not want to spend hours devouring information in front of a screen after a full day of trading. I quickly realized that participants in the financial markets don’t use the electronic medium in the same way that they engage print text. That led me to think about writing a different kind of book, one better suited to publishing’s electronic frontier, but also useable in print.

When you overlay these two observations, you can appreciate the vision that led to this text: a “trading coach in a book” that can be as easily read on the screen as on paper. The goal was to integrate blog and book content by creating practical “lessons” that help traders become their own trading coaches. There are 101 lessons in The Daily Trading Coach, averaging several pages in length. Each lesson follows a general format, identifying a trading challenge, an approach to meeting that challenge, and a specific suggestion or assignment for working on the issue. The chapters are independent of one another: you can read them in order, or you can use the table of contents or index to read, each day, the lesson that most applies to your current trading. Unlike a traditional book, the idea is not to read it through from front to back in a few sittings. Rather, you take one lesson at a time and apply it to guide your development as a trader. Like the blog, it’s an on-screen reminder of what to do when you’re at your best, but—more than the blog—it’s also a roadmap (and practical set of insights and tools) for discovering and implementing the best within you.

My ambition has been to pack into these 101 lessons more useable information and practical methods than might be found in any number of expensive seminars and coaching sessions, at far less expense. Too often, the goal of the seminar providers and coaches is to convert you into ongoing clients. The intent of this book is just the opposite: to give you the tools to become your own coach, so that you can guide your own professional and personal growth. In other words, this is a manual of psychoeducation: a how-to guide for improving yourself and your performance.

One thing I particularly like about the electronic format is that it enables a writer to link the book content to a vast array of material on the Web. I will be adding material to The Daily Trading Coach via a dedicated blog called Become Your Own Trading Coach (www.becomeyourowntradingcoach.blogspot.com), so that this book will grow over time. You will need only to click the e-book links to access free updated information and methods on the Become Your Own Trading Coach site. There is one master page on the blog for each chapter of this book containing the links relevant to that chapter’s material. At the end of each chapter, there is also a resource page that alerts readers to further links and readings. I will be adding audio and video content to the new blog over time, which should be particularly helpful for those who learn best by seeing and hearing ideas. Once publishing becomes electronic, there’s no reason that every text can’t be a multimedia learning experience.

You’ll notice from the table of contents that each of the 10 chapters contains 10 lessons. Those chapters cover a range of topics relevant to trading psychology and trading performance, including specific lessons for utilizing psychodynamic, cognitive, and behavioral brief therapy methods to change problematic behavior patterns and instill new, positive ones. The final two chapters are especially unique: Chapter 9 consists of self-coaching perspectives from 18 successful trading professionals who share their work online. Chapter 10 fulfills a long-standing promise to TraderFeed readers, walking traders through the basics of identifying historical patterns using Excel. Each lesson is accompanied by homework activities and suggestions (“Coaching Cues”) to help with application of the ideas. Major ideas are set apart within the text for quick review and scanning. At the end of each chapter is a list of resources to guide your further inquiry into the book’s topics and ideas.

Yes, the aim of the book is to help you become your own trading coach, but a glance at the chapter and lesson titles reveals that the broader purpose is to help you coach yourself through life. The challenges and uncertainties we face in trading—the pursuit of rewards in the face of risks—are just as present in careers and relationships as in markets. Techniques that help you master yourself as a trader will serve you well in any field of endeavor. In that sense, the goal is not just to make money in the markets, it is to prosper in all of life’s undertakings. I will be gratified and honored if this book is a resource toward your own prosperity, in and out of financial markets.

BRETT STEENBARGER

Acknowledgments

If, as the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a small army to write a book. The last lesson of the book is dedicated to my mother, Constance Steenbarger, who passed away last year. My deepest hope is that this book carries forward the nurturing spirit that she brought to her family and students.

If my mother represented nurturance in my life, my father, Jack Steenbarger, has embodied the virtues of hard work, achievement, and love of family. From the earliest days of my training as a psychologist, I have been fascinated by the psychology of exemplary achievement: what makes highly successful people tick. There’s no question where that passionate interest originated, and it gives me the greatest of pleasure to acknowledge my father for that inspiration.

None of this would be possible, however, without the understanding, love, and support of my wife Margie. In 1984, I traded bachelorhood for a life with Margie and her family; to this day, it remains my one superlative trade. Twenty-five years later, I’m pleased to report we’re still riding that trend, having taken no heat whatsoever!

I’m saddened, but happy at the same time, to be able to dedicate this book to the memory of my uncle, Arnold Rustin, MD, who also passed away during the year. A consummate teacher, Arnold represented everything I’ve admired and enjoyed in the world of academic medicine. It’s the support of Arnold and his wife Rose, even amid their own challenges, which made the greatest impression on me, however. I hope their inspiration finds expression in this book.

Thanks, too, to Debi, Steve, Lea, Laura, Ed, Devon, and Macrae, the kids who aren’t kids any more, but who have been remarkably understanding of my hours on the road meeting with traders and my even greater hours online, keeping up with a blog and dozens of e-mail and phone calls daily. I would not be so grounded without family, including my brother Marc and sister-in-law Lisa and our three feline friends: Gina, Ginger, and Mali.

To the traders and authors who contributed to Chapter 9, my deepest thanks and appreciation for your great work. You provide unparalleled resources for developing traders. Acknowledgments are also due to those whose work has inspired my own: philosophers Ayn Rand, Brand Blanshard, Colin Wilson, and G. I. Gurdjieff; the many psychologists and researchers who have contributed to the brief therapy and positive psychology literatures; and the traders who were formative in my development: Victor Niederhoffer, Linda Raschke, Chuck McElveen, and the many hedge fund traders I’ve been privileged to work with in the past few years. My colleagues at Upstate Medical University have been inspirational and supportive throughout my second career; special thanks to Mantosh Dewan, MD; Roger Greenberg, PhD; and John Manring, MD.

This is also my opportunity for a shout-out to those who write and play the music that kept me company through the writing of this book: Edenbridge, Armin van Buuren, Ferry Corsten, Cruxshadows, Assemblage 23, VNV Nation, and many others that you may discover on the Become Your Own Trading Coach blog.

Deepest thanks, as well, to the Wiley production staff and my fantastic and supportive editors, Pamela van Giessen, Kate Wood, and Emilie Her-man. They’ve been tremendously helpful in bringing this book to life. My appreciation also goes out to the many readers of the blog, particularly those who have actively participated with their comments and insights. I hope this book contributes to your continued happiness and trading success.

Introduction

Too few of us are play-actors of our own ideals. We have strengths and talents, dreams and aspirations. But when we look hour-by-hour, day-by-day, not many of these ideals are concretely expressed. The days become months, then years, and—at some sad juncture—we look back on life and wonder where it went.

That could be you: the middle-age person looking back on how “I could’ve been a contender.” Or, you could live a different life script. You could become the actor of your ideals and live their realization.

If you’re thinking this is a strange introduction to a trading text, you’re right. This book doesn’t start with supply and demand, trading patterns, or money management. It begins with you and what you want from your life. Trading, in this context, is more than buying, selling, and hedging: it is a vehicle for self-mastery and development.

Every trader, whether he consciously identifies it or not, is an entrepreneur. Traders open their business and compete in a marketplace. They identify and pursue opportunity, even as they preserve their capital. Traders refine and expand their craft; they take calculated risks. As entrepreneurs, traders start with the premise that they bring value to the marketplace. Amid the inevitable disappointments and setbacks, the long hours and the limited resources, the risk and uncertainty, it can be difficult to sustain that optimism. It is so much easier than to keep one’s visions on a shelf and forego the daily efforts of enacting ideals.

Some traders, however, cannot shelve their aspirations. Like the moth, they’ll pursue distant lights even if it means an occasional singe. To those noble souls, I dedicate this book.

When I work with traders and portfolio managers at hedge funds, proprietary trading firms, and investment banks, I don’t tell them how to trade. Most of them trade strategies different from my own and know far more about their markets than I ever will. Rather, I figure out their strengths. I learn what these traders and managers do well and how they do it, and I help them build a career out of what they’re already good at. Just as fish cannot comprehend water, being immersed in it from birth, we typically lack an appreciation of our personal assets. Each of us is a curious mixture of skills, talents, strengths, conflicts, and weaknesses. But just as a new business must capitalize on the strengths of its founders, a career in the markets crucially hinges on the assets—personal and monetary—of the trader. As a coach, my role is to take traders out of their psychological water and help them see what has been around them all along: the assets that can provide a lifetime of dividends.

Never has self-coaching been more important for traders. As I write this, we have witnessed levels of market volatility unseen in the post-World War II period. Price volatility brings potential opportunity, but also risk. Traders who could not step back, recognize unfolding developments, and make adjustments have lost significant money. Those who have used the crisis to step out of the trading water, limit risk, and find fresh opportunity are the ones who are poised to reap those career dividends.

The book you are reading is intended to be your companion in this trading journey. It is organized in 101 lessons. Each lesson outlines a challenge and proposes a specific exercise for moving yourself forward with respect to that challenge. The lessons are intended as meditations to begin your trading day—coaching communications to help you enact the best within you. Eventually, as you read and live these lessons, the coaching communications become your own self-talk. You begin by play-acting the book’s ideals and end up living them and shaping them into your own. You become your own trading psychologist.

If reading a short passage each day and planting the right ideas into your forebrain helps you prioritize your life and trading goals—and if that in turn helps you make one less bad trade per week and take the one good one you would have otherwise missed—think of how you will personally and financially profit. But just as pills can’t work when they stay in a bottle, no one learns from an unopened book. The first step in becoming your own trading psychologist is to set time aside for self-mentorship—every day, every week—because that’s how behavior patterns turn into habits. The great individual is simply one who has made a habit of self-development.

So there they are, staring at you from the shelf across the room: Your ideals, all those things you’ve wanted to do in life. You look longingly toward the shelf, but you can’t reach it from your comfortable chair. Yet you hold a book in your hands. Perhaps that book can make that chair just a little less comfortable, place the shelf just a bit closer.

You turn the page.

The next step is ours.

CHAPTER 1

ChangeThe Process and the Practice

The mind has exactly the same power as the hands; not merely to grasp the world, but to change it.

—Colin Wilson

You are reading this book because you want to coach yourself to greater success in the financial markets. But what is coaching? At the root of all coaching efforts is change. When you are your own trading coach, you are trying to effect changes in your thoughts, your feelings, and your behavior. Most of all, you are trying to change how you trade: how you identify and act upon patterns of risk and reward, supply and demand.

There is a rich literature regarding change, grounded in extensive psychological research and practice. If you understand how change occurs, you are better positioned to act as your own change agent. In this chapter, we will explore the research and practice of change and how you can best make use of its sometimes-surprising conclusions. Coaching is about making change happen, not just letting it happen. It’s about making the commitment to being a change agent in your own life, your own trading.

First, however, let’s learn about the process and practice of change.

LESSON 1: DRAW ON EMOTION TO BECOME A CHANGE AGENT

For some of us, the status quo is not enough. We experience glimpses into the person we’re capable of being; we yearn to be more than we are in life’s mundane moments.

That yearning starts with the notion of change. We desire changes in our lives. We adapt—we grow—by making the right kinds of changes. All too often, however, we feel stuck. We’re doing the same things, making the same mistakes again and again. Do we wait for life to change us, or do we become agents of our own life changes?

The easy part is initiating a change process. The real challenge is sustaining change. How many times does an alcoholic take the initial steps toward sobriety, only to relapse? How often do we start diets and exercise programs, only to return to our slothful ways? If we focus on starting a change process, we leave ourselves unprepared for the next crucial steps: keeping the flame of change burning bright.

The flaw with most popular writings and practices in psychology and coaching is that they are designed to initiate change. These writings and practices leave people feeling good—until it becomes apparent that different efforts are needed to sustain change. Successful coaching doesn’t just catalyze change: it turns change efforts into habit patterns that become second nature. The key to successful coaching is turning change into routine; making new behaviors become second nature.

That’s where emotion comes in.

For years I had attempted—unsuccessfully—to sustain a weight loss program. Then, in the year 2000, I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. My diet had to change; I needed to lose weight. If I didn’t, I realized with crystal clarity, I could lose my health and let my wife and children down. Literally that same day I began a dietary regimen that continues to this day. My weight dropped 40 pounds (I shed the pounds so quickly that friends were concerned that I had a wasting illness) and I regained control of my blood sugar.

What was the catalyst for the change? Years of telling myself to eat differently, exercise more, and lose weight produced absolutely no results. A single emotional experience of the necessity for change, however, made all the difference. I didn’t just think I needed to change: I knew it with every fiber of my being. I felt it.

So it is with traders.

Perhaps you’ve told yourself that you need to follow your rules, that you need to trade smaller, or that you should avoid trading during certain market conditions or times of day. Still you make the same mistakes, lose money, and build frustration. Like my initial efforts at weight loss, your attempts at change fail because they lack emotional force.

Research into the process of successful versus unsuccessful therapy finds that emotional experience—not talk—powers change. No one ever felt valuable and lovable by standing in front of a mirror and reciting self-enhancing statements. The experience of a meaningful romantic relationship, however, yields the deepest of affirmations. Yes, you can tell yourself you’re competent, but experiencing success in the face of challenge provides a lasting sense of efficacy. Pleasure, pain: nature hardwires us to internalize emotional experience so that we can pursue what enhances life and avoid what harms us. That ability to internalize our most powerful emotional experiences helps us to sustain the changes we initiate.

The enemy of change is relapse: falling back into old, unproductive ways of thinking and behaving. Without the momentum of emotion, relapse is the norm.

Are you going to work on yourself as a trader today? Are you going to use today as an opportunity to learn and develop yourself, regardless of the day’s profitability? If so, you’ll need a goal for the day. What are you going to work on: Building a strength? Correcting a weakness? Repeating something you did well yesterday? Avoiding one of yesterday’s mistakes?

An important first step is to set the goal. We cannot succeed as change agents if we don’t perceive a clear path from the person we are to the person we wish to become. A valuable second step is to write down the goal or talk out loud into a recorder. This step helps cement desired changes in your mind. But will the pursuit of your goal truly possess emotional force? Will it transform you from one who thinks about change to one who truly becomes a change agent?

The secret to goal setting is providing your goals with emotional force. If your goal is a want, you’ll pursue it until the feeling of desire subsides. If your goal is a must-have—a burning need, like my dietary change—it becomes an organizing principle, a life focus. You won’t become a better trader because you want to be. You will only coach yourself to success when self-improvement becomes your organizing principle: a must-have need.

Try this exercise. Before you start trading, seat yourself comfortably and enter into a nice slow rhythm of deep breathing. Imagine yourself—as vividly as you can—starting your trading day. Watch the market move on the screen; watch yourself tracking the market, your day’s trading ideas at your side. Then turn your goal for the day into part of your visualization: imagine yourself performing the actions that concretely put that goal into practice. If your goal is to control your position sizing, vividly imagine yourself entering orders at the proper size; if your goal is to enter long positions only after a pullback, imagine yourself patiently waiting for the pullback and then executing the trade. As you visualize yourself realizing your goal, recall the feeling of pride that comes from realizing one of your objectives. Bask in the glow of living up to one of your ideals. Let yourself feel proud of what you’ve accomplished.

It’s important not just to have goals, but also to directly experience yourself as capable of reaching those goals. Psychologists call that self-efficacy. You are most likely to experience yourself as a success if you see yourself as successful and feel the joys of success. You don’t need to imagine yourself making oodles of money; that’s not realistic as a daily goal. But you can immerse yourself in images of reaching the goals of good trading and experience the feelings of self-control, mastery, and pride that come from enacting the best within you.

We are most likely to make and sustain changes when we perceive ourselves as efficacious: capable of making those changes.

Many traders only get to the point of self-coaching after they have experienced harrowing losses. The reason is similar to my experience with my diagnosis: it was the vivid fear of consequences—the intense feeling of not wanting to ruin my life—that drove my dietary change. Similarly, after traders lost a good deal of their capital, they never want to experience that again. They trade well, not because they talk themselves into discipline, but because they feel the emotional force of discipline’s absence.

Contrary to the teachings of proponents of positive thinking, fear has its uses. Many an alcoholic maintains sobriety because of the fear of returning to the pain of drinking’s consequences. Emotion sustains the change.

With guided imagery that you feel as well as see, you can create powerful emotional experiences—and catalyze change—every single day. That’s when you become a change agent: one who sustains a process of transformation. The key is adding emotional force to your goals. Your assignment is to take those lifeless goals off the piece of paper in your journal and turn them into vivid, powerful movies that fill your mind. Try it with one goal, one movie in your head, before you start trading. It is not enough to set goals; you must feel them to live them.

COACHING CUE

To each of your goals, add an or else scenario. Vividly imagine the consequences of not sustaining your change. Relive in detail specific failure experiences that resulted from the faulty behavior you want to change. When you add an or else condition to your goal setting, you turn fear into motivation. The brain is wired to respond first and foremost to danger; you will not gravitate toward the wrong behaviors if you’re emotionally connected to their danger. To this day, my diet is firmly in place. Fear has become my friend.

LESSON 2: PSYCHOLOGICAL VISIBILITY AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TRADING COACH

If you are to be your own trading coach and guide your trading development, we have to make you the best coach you can possibly be. That means understanding what makes coaching work—and what will make it work for you.

Research informs us that the most important ingredient in psychological change is the quality of the relationship between the helper and the person receiving help. Techniques are important, but ultimately those techniques are channeled through a human relationship. Studies find that in successful counseling, helpers are experienced as warm, caring, and supportive. When helpers are seen as hostile or disinterested, change processes go nowhere. There’s a good reason for this: relationships possess magic.

The magic of relationships is that they provide us with our most immediate experiences of visibility. I recently took a phone call from a reader of the TraderFeed blog. Many readers have provided valuable feedback about the blog, but this caller went far beyond that. He read every single post and then explained to me why he was drawn to the site. He put into words the very values that have led me to publish some 1,800 posts in the space of less than three years: the vision that, in cultivating our trading, we develop ourselves in ways that ripple throughout our lives.

At the end of that conversation, I felt understood: I was visible to another human being. When my mother died, I kept my composure until I approached her gravesite; then I lost it. My two children instinctively reached out to comfort me. It’s something I would have done for another person in that situation. At that moment, I saw a bit of myself in my children. Once again, I was visible.

An unfulfilling relationship is one in which we feel invisible. We can feel invisible because we’re misunderstood or mistreated. We feel invisible when the things that matter most to us find no recognition among others. I recall one particularly unfulfilling relationship with a woman. We were on the dance floor at a club and I suddenly stopped dancing altogether. She didn’t notice at all. She was in her own world. It was a perfect metaphor for everything I was experiencing at the time: I was there as a kind of prop, a rationale for being on the dance floor. No one was really dancing with me. The profound, wrenching emptiness that I felt at that time was a turning point; never again would I settle for invisibility.

In Iggy Pop’s classic song, invisibility is a kind of “Isolation.” But if there’s anything worse than being isolated—crying for love—when you’re with someone, it’s being isolated from yourself. We are truly lost when we’re invisible to ourselves.

Many traders don’t really know what they do best; they’re invisible to themselves.

All of us have values, dreams, and ideals. How often, however, are these explicitly on our minds? To live mired in routine, day in and day out, estranged from the things that matter most to us: that’s a form of invisibility . To compromise the things you love in the name of practicality, to settle for second best out of fear or convenience: those, too, leave us in isolation—from ourselves. Strange as it may seem, we spend much of our time invisible to ourselves. The day-to-day part of us dances away, oblivious to the other self, the one that thrives on purpose and meaning.

It’s a real dilemma: How can we possibly coach ourselves to success if the very strengths that would bring us success are invisible to us? After all, the single best predictor of change is the quality of the helping relationship. What, then, is our relationship to ourselves? If we are to be our own trading coaches, the success of our efforts rests on our ability to sustain visibility and draw on the magic of a fulfilling relationship with ourselves.

To coach ourselves successfully, we must be visible to ourselves and sustain the vision of who we are and what we value. But how can we do that? There’s a simple strategy that can build a positive, visible relationship with your inner trading coach: identify a single trading strength to express as a goal for the coming day’s trading.

One way I do that when I coach others (and when I work on my own trading) is to ask traders to identify what they did best in yesterday’s trading that they want to continue today. Set a positive goal, based on strengths, to keep you in touch with the best within you. It affirms your competencies and keeps these visible, even during challenging market times. Too many of our goals are negative: we declare that we won’t do X or that we’ll do less of Y. Instead, frame a goal for today that says: “Here is what I’m good at, here’s what I did best yesterday, and here’s how I’m going to make use of that strength today.”

Trading goals should reflect trading strengths.

In the relationship between you the trader and you the coach, the quality of the relationship will play an important role in your development. The best relationship is achieved when goals are linked to values and express distinctive strengths. Relentlessly identify, repeat, and expand what you do best—even (and especially) after the worst of trading days. Only through repetition can we turn positive behaviors into habit patterns. When you are in the habit of identifying and building strengths, you will then be truly visible to you. The magic of that relationship—and the confidence it brings—will sustain you through the most challenging times.

COACHING CUE

Review the last week’s entries in your trading journal. Count the number of positive, encouraging phrases in your writings and the number of negative, critical ones. If the ratio of positive to negative messages is less than one, you know you aren’t sustaining a healthy relationship with your inner coach. And if you’re not keeping a journal, your coach is silent. What sort of relationship is that?

LESSON 3: MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR WEAKNESS

The notion of change is a challenge and a trap. It challenges us to aspire to more than who we are, but it can also trap us in self-division. When we entertain the notion of change, we divide ourselves into qualities we like and those we don’t. We parcel ourselves into strengths and weaknesses, good and bad, acceptable and unacceptable.

Once we make such a division, it is only natural to embrace the good and avoid the bad. We dismiss our shortcomings as mistakes, bad luck, or exceptions. That helps us identify with a partial image of ourselves and keep our frailties from our conscious awareness. Thus banished from the front of our minds, those frailties cannot guide our learning. We do not sustain the motivation to grow, because we only contact the parts of ourselves that are relatively whole.

Suppose I manage a position poorly because of frustration and I exceed my loss limit on the trade, leaving me in the red for the day. I finish flat for the week, however, and instead focus on that fact. The loss is soon forgotten. It doesn’t bother me, but I also don’t learn from it. The next time frustration hits, I repeat my earlier behavior and lose even more money. Disgusted, I decide to take a break from the markets and come back with a positive mindset. In reality, however, I merely return in denial, once again banishing the losses from my mind. Eventually those trading shortcomings catch up to us, forcing us to face them squarely.

Such self-division is often maintained with the fiction of positive thinking. By focusing on positive thoughts, we don’t have to think about what we’ve done wrong; we don’t have to achieve contact with the parts of ourselves we don’t like. We become like rooms where the clutter is increasingly swept under the rug. Eventually our rooms bulge with mental clutter, making them uninhabitable.

The motivation for much positive thinking is a denial of weakness.

Our daughter Devon was born with a “strawberry” beside her nose: a hemangioma that was a bright red bump on her skin. We were told that it would eventually recede on its own, that no surgery was needed. During her early years, however, baby Devon had a large red mark on her face. We could have put a patch over the mark or insisted on surgery, but we didn’t. It was her mark, and it was part of what made her who she was. When you love someone, even her personal blemishes become endearing. Before I was a parent, I used to wonder how I’d tolerate changing dirty diapers. When the time came, I actually enjoyed it. It was something I was doing with and for my child. The changing of the diaper became an opportunity for bonding.

So it should be when we deal with our own dirty diapers. Your weaknesses are part of you; someone who loves you will love the whole package, frailties and all. And if you love yourself, you can reach that point of acceptance in which you are fully aware of your shortcomings and appreciate your very humanness. Indeed, as with the diapers, those shortcomings become opportunities—to reach out to yourself and guide your own development. For the longest time, I was unsure of myself in social situations and avoided most of them. Then, in a college dorm party I pushed myself to organize, I noticed a few people standing around not talking with others. In a flash, I saw myself in them. I made a beeline for the stragglers, included them in the gathering, and introduced them around. Ever since, I’ve been able to reach out to that reticence in myself and use it as a prod to engage others. My development occurred not through positive thinking, but through an embrace of my vulnerability.

Have you lost money recently? Have your trading weaknesses cost you money and opportunity? Consider embracing your flaws: every losing trade is there to teach you something. At the close of today’s trading, create a chart with three columns. The first column is a description of the losing trade you made; the second column will be what you can learn from the losing trade; and the third column will be how you will improve your trading the next day based on what you learned. What you learned from the losing trade might be an insight into the market—perhaps it was range-bound when you assumed it was trending. That insight could help you frame subsequent trades. Alternatively, what you learn from the losing trade might be something about yourself; perhaps an insight into how you can manage risk more effectively. Either way, your losing trade is never a total loss as long as you embrace it and learn from it.

Much of self-coaching success is finding the opportunity in adversity.

When you create a trading diary, you bring yourself face to face with your worst trading and turn it into opportunity. It doesn’t matter if blemishes mar your account statement. It’s your account, red marks and all. You make yourself stronger when you reach out to your flaws. Embrace who you are and you take the first step to becoming the person you are capable of being.

COACHING CUE

As we’ll see in the next chapter, the research of James Pennebaker suggests that giving voice to stressful events—in a journal or out loud—for at least a half hour a day is instrumental in our putting those events into perspective and moving beyond them. When you experience a horrific trading day, give it voice. Talk it through and sear its lessons in your mind. If you’re in touch with how badly your trading makes you feel, you’re least likely to repeat your errors. There can be gain in embracing pain.

LESSON 4: CHANGE YOUR ENVIRONMENT, CHANGE YOURSELF

Human beings adapt to their environments. We draw on a range of skills and personality traits to fit into various settings. That is why we can behave one way in a social setting and then seem like a totally different human being at work. One of the enduring attractions of travel is that it takes us out of our native environments and forces us to adapt to new people, new cultures, and new ways. When we make those adaptations, we discover new facets of ourselves. As we’ll see shortly, discrepancy is the mother of all change: when we are in the same environments, we tend to draw upon the same, routine modes of thought and behavior.

A few months ago I had an attack of acute appendicitis while staying in a LaGuardia airport hotel awaiting a return flight to Chicago. When I went to the nearest emergency room at Elmhurst Hospital outside Jackson Heights, Queens, I found that I was seemingly the only native English speaker in a sea of people awaiting medical care. After some difficulty attracting attention, I was admitted to the hospital and spent the next several days of recuperation navigating my way through patients and staff of every conceivable nationality. By the end of the experience, I felt at home there. I’ve since stayed at the same airport hotel and routinely make visits into the surrounding neighborhoods—areas I would have never in my wildest dreams ventured into previously. In adapting to that environment, I discovered hidden strengths. I also overcame more than a few hidden prejudices and fears.

The greatest enemy of change is routine. When we lapse into routine and operate on autopilot, we are no longer fully and actively conscious of what we’re doing and why. That is why some of the most fertile situations for personal growth—those that occur within new environments—are those that force us to exit our routines and actively master unfamiliar challenges.

In familiar environments and routines, we operate on autopilot. Nothing changes.

When you act as your own trading coach, your challenge is to stay fully conscious, alert to risk and opportunity. One of your greatest threats will be the autopilot mode in which you act without thinking, without full awareness of your situation. If you shift your trading environment, you push yourself to adapt to new situations: you break routines. If your environment is always the same, you will find yourself gravitating to the same thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We are mired in repetitive patterns of thought and behavior because we are mired in routines: the same emotional and physical environments. Indeed, we repeat the same patterns—for better or for worse—precisely because those patterns are adaptations to our current settings.

So how can we change our trading environments? The key is recognizing that our physical settings are only a part of our surroundings. Here are a few routine-busting activities that can alert us to risks and possibilities:

1. Seek Out Divergent Views. Conversations with traders who trade differently from you—different time frames, markets, or styles—can often help cement your views or question them. Similarly, reading materials from fresh perspectives puts your ideas in a different light and pushes you to question your assumptions. I remained relatively bullish on the stock market’s longer-term picture into the final quarter of 2007. Only when I pushed myself to read informed views that clashed with my own—and consulting data that did not fit my framework—did I modify my perspectives and avoid significant losses.

2. Examine the Big Picture. It’s easy to get lost in the market’s short-term picture; how it is trading that minute, that day. I find it important to periodically zoom out to longer-term charts and place the current action into context. Indeed, some of the best trading ideas start with a big picture view and then proceed to shorter-term execution. I especially find this to be the case when looking at longer-term support/resistance, trading ranges, and Market Profile value areas. Often, shifting my field of vision will help me avoid an ill-informed, reactive trade based on the market’s last few ticks. If something seems obvious in the market, switch time frames and generate an entirely new perspective. What looks obvious from one view may well be obviously wrong from another.

3. Examine Related Views. Sometimes the action of a single stock or sector will illuminate what’s happening in the broader market; one currency cross will break out ahead of others. Are we seeing a broad fixed income rally, or is the yield curve steepening or flattening? Looking across instruments and asset classes keeps us from getting locked into ways of thinking. I find myself tracking sector ETFs during the trading day to see if stocks are moving in a single direction (trending) or are taking different paths within a range. If I see bond traders fleeing to safety or assuming risk, I can anticipate selling or buying stocks. Seeing the entire financial playing field helps keep us from becoming wedded to preconceived ideas.

4. Take the Break. Just as we take vacations to return to work refreshed, a break from the screen can help us generate fresh market views. It is easy to become focused on what is most dramatic and salient in markets. Pull back and clear out the head to help you see what’s not obvious and then profit by the time it’s recognized by others. I find breaks especially helpful following losing trades, enabling us to reflect on the losses and what can be learned from them.

If your environment is comfortable, it probably isn’t conducive to change.

In short, it’s the mental routines—the mental environment—that we most need to change to break unwanted and unprofitable patterns of thought and behavior. When you’re your own trading coach, you learn to think, but also to think about your thinking. Incorporate a fresh look at self and markets each day to inspire new ideas, challenge stale ones, and tap sources of energy and inspiration that otherwise remain hidden in routine. As with my adventure in Queens, you may find that the most exotic changes bring out your finest adaptations.

COACHING CUE

Many times it’s the market views we most scorn that we need to take most seriously, because at some level we’re finding them threatening. Seek out commentary from those you most disagree with and ask yourself what you would be seeing in the markets if that commentary proves to be correct. If you’re quick to dismiss a market view, give it a second look. You wouldn’t need to be so defensive if you didn’t sense something plausible—and dangerous—in the views you’re dismissing.

LESSON 5: TRANSFORM EMOTION BY TRACE-FORMATION

When traders seek coaching, they are usually troubled by a particular emotional state that affects their decision-making: anger, frustration, anxiety, or doubt. Their goal is to change how they feel, but they don’t know how to accomplish that. Sometimes traders even view their emotions as fixed and unchanging aspects of personality: “It’s just the way I am.”

It is true that our traits and temperaments affect how we experience the world. They also play an important role in defining the range of our emotions. Some people feel things—good and bad—very strongly; others are quite even-keeled. Neuroticism, the tendency to experience negative emotions, is one of the big five personality traits identified by researchers. Like all such traits, it has a strong hereditary component. Though we like to think of ourselves as masters of our fates, the sobering reality is that much of our emotional experience is hardwired.

Does that mean we can’t change how we feel in particular situations? Not at all. If psychological methods can help people overcome post-traumatic stresses and anxiety disorders, they certainly can help us master our feelings in normal life situations. For the most part, we cannot change personality, but we can change how our personalities are expressed.

The trap many traders fall into is trying to control feelings with thoughts. We attempt to talk ourselves into feeling better or differently. Rarely does that work. When people are grieving over losses, telling them they’ll be okay doesn’t really touch what they’re experiencing. The feelings express a psychological reality; asserting a logical reality ignores the personal meaning and significance of the situation. Feelings are surprisingly refractory to willpower: if wanting to feel different—and talking ourselves into feeling different—were possible, there would be many fewer psychologists in the world.

If you serve as your own trading coach, a great place to start is with the perspective that feelings contain information. Research in cognitive neuroscience finds that emotion is an essential component of rational decision-making. When the brain is damaged and becomes unable to engage in emotional processing, the result is profoundly distorted behavior. Your coaching goal is not to banish the feelings associated with difficult trading—a strategy that only prevents resolution—or to blindly act upon them. Rather, the most constructive step you can take to change a feeling is to give it full acknowledgment and extract its vital information.

Feelings inform us about our appraisals of self, others, and world.

The research of James Pennebaker, a professor at the University of Texas, is quite relevant here. He and his colleagues found that writing in a journal or talking aloud for a half hour a day had a powerful effect on enabling people to cope effectively with challenging emotional circumstances, including traumas and crises. When we make implicit feelings explicit, we view them from different angles and place them into a different context. For example, someone who has been angry and frustrated with himself over poor trading performance might journal about these thoughts and feelings at length. As he is writing—and reading over his writings—he suddenly realizes, “Whoa; I’m being awfully hard on myself. I’m not that bad!” With that, he is able to throttle back his negative self-talk and turn his attention back to markets.

When we fail to acknowledge emotions, we lose their information and thus the opportunity to shift perspectives. The frustrated, angry trader who brushes aside his tensions and forges blindly ahead finds them easily triggered the next day. This is particularly the case when the frustrations are triggered initially by trading mistakes. I recently met with a trader who fought a market trend all morning, built frustration through the day, and then blew up in the late afternoon. Had the trader used the frustration to examine his trading, he could have ridden the trend and made significant money. Brushing emotions aside doesn’t change them. Ironically, acknowledging and accepting them, giving them free expression, sets the stage for transformation.

Does that mean that we should give full vent to whatever we’re experiencing? No, psychological research also suggests that unbridled expression of emotion interferes with concentration and performance. Simply yelling when we’re angry or pouting when we’re discouraged does nothing to alter the feelings—and certainly does not place us closer to resolving the situations responsible for the upset in the first place. The trader from my example, for instance, spent much of his afternoon fuming, but never resolving his anger. Reflexive acting on such emotions only reinforces them; you can’t overcome frustration by behaving in frustrated ways.

Blindly venting or acting on emotion is as unproductive as blinding ourselves to emotion; both prevent learning from the information in our feelings.

The idea, then, is to transform feeling, not ignore it and not revel in it. One way to do this is to replace one emotional state with another: to substitute feeling for feeling, not thought for feeling.

In my Psychology of Trading book, I explained how I used the early music of Philip Glass to enter a meditative state and trance-form experience. Actually any stimulus that evokes calm, focused attention can be effective as a tool for shifting emotions. The key is to evoke and sustain the Yoda state—the calm focus—during periods of high frustration or discouragement. Biofeedback can be especially useful in this regard, as computer-based applications provide real-time feedback about your success in sustaining the altered state. It is virtually impossible to sustain a worked-up state—anger, anxiety, and stress—when keeping yourself calm and focused. Even better, in the relaxed state, you’ll arrive at perspectives and insights that remain unavailable while you’re immersed in the flight-or-fight mode.

One exercise I recommend to traders is to draw two thermometers side by side on a sheet of paper and then run off a number of copies of the paper. One thermometer records your emotional temperature with respect to frustration; the other records your temperature with respect to confidence. The sheet stays by your trade station; all you need to do is make a mark on each thermometer to indicate how frustrated and confident you’re feeling at the time.

When we’re most frustrated, but also most overconfident, we’re likely to make our worst decisions and violate our trading principles. If you require yourself to “take your emotional temperature” during each trading session, you create a mechanism for catching your state of mind before it can disrupt trading performance.

Once you identify an elevated frustration temperature, a valuable, automatic rule is to take a few minutes away from the screen and enter into a trance-formation. This can be done by regulating your breathing—making it particularly deep and slow—and fixing your attention on something that captures your attention: music, imagery, or a picture in front of you. If you slow your body and take your attention away from the situations that may be elevating your emotional temperature, you shift your state and make it easier to act calmly, in a planned fashion. With practice, this can be accomplished in a matter of minutes, short-circuiting many disruptive patterns before they lead to poor trading decisions.

The key is to keep yourself aware of your emotional state throughout the day. The thermometers are an easy, visually arresting way of becoming your own observer—and coach.

COACHING CUE

Check out the insights about breathing in Chapter 9. Mike Bellafiore of SMB Capital explains how he and partner Steve Spencer teach the traders at their prop firm how to breathe as part of training them to trade. As practitioners of meditative disciplines understand, emotional self-control begins with physical control.

LESSON 6: FIND THE RIGHT MIRRORS

A mirror is an object that shows us our own image. Thanks to mirrors, we know what we look like. Far more goes into our self-image, however, than our physical reflection. That is because virtually all of our experience serves as a psychological mirror. We see ourselves reflected in the impacts we have upon the world around us. As a result, much of self-esteem—our sense of worth and competence—follows from finding the right mirrors in life.

Let’s start with romantic relationships. When we select the right partner, we choose someone who knows and values the person we are. That love and support is ongoing; consistently reflected to us, it is a deep affirmation of self. In a similar fashion, parents constantly mirror a child’s identity: “You’re such a good boy!” and “What a smart girl!” Our self-talk is born of just such early life conversations: we internalize the voices from significant relationships.

This is why abusive relationships are so damaging. To share life with a spouse who attacks or demeans us—or who just doesn’t care—or to endure parents who are neglectful is to continually face a distorting mirror. Over time, children absorb the distorted images and no longer feel lovable, secure, and important. Out of such twisted self-images, they select future partners that validate their identities, sadly finding others who repeat the messages and experiences of the past. That is how abused children find themselves in abusive relationships; how insecure people land in insecure marriages.