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Think of it this way . . .Our beliefs are challenged from many directions. Every day it seems more difficult to explain to our friends, families, and neighbors what we believe and why. When our ideas and arguments fail to persuade them, what then? Is there another approach we can take?Veteran apologists and communicators J. P. Moreland and Tim Muehlhoff say that the best way to win over others is with a good story. Stories have the ability to get behind our preconceptions and defenses. They appeal to the whole person rather than just to the mind.This expanded edition includes new chapters and updated stories and illustrations throughout. In these pages the authors enhance the logic and evidence found in other books defending the faith with things that your friends, relatives, or coworkers will ponder long after a conversation is over. Here is sound, empathetic coaching for those of us who long to communicate our faith more effectively.
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Foreword by Lee Strobel
Preface to the Expanded Edition
Introduction
1 The Power of Illustrations
2 Can God Be Good If Terrorists Exist?
3 Can God Be Good If Terrorists Exist? (Part 2)
4 Jesus, Buddha, or Muhammad?
Seeking a Guide in the Maze of Religions
5 Jesus, Buddha, or Muhammad? (Part 2)
6 The Resurrection
Conspiracy Theory or Fact?
7 The Resurrection (Part 2)
8 What Would Machiavelli Do?
Ethics in a Morally Confused World
9 What Would Machiavelli Do? (Part 2)
10 Are We an Accident?
Arguing for God Through Design
11 Are We an Accident? (Part 2)
12 Unfulfilled Desires and the Existence of God
Something Isn’t Quite Right
13 Unfulfilled Desires and the Existence of God (Part 2)
A Final Thought
The Dangers of Agenda Anxiety
Acknowledgments
Notes
Name Index
Subject Index
Scripture Index
Also by J. P. Moreland
Also by Tim Muehlhoff
Praise for The God Conversation
About the Authors
More Titles from InterVarsity Press
Copyright
More than a decade ago, I invited one of the authors of this book, J. P. Moreland, to Willow Creek Community Church to give a talk on science and faith. At the end of his presentation, a spiritual skeptic challenged him by saying that miracles overturn the laws of nature and therefore are impossible.
“Actually,” said Moreland, “the laws of nature are the way we describe how the world usually works. If someone drops an apple, it falls to the floor. That’s gravity. However, if someone were to drop an apple and I were to reach over and grab it before it hit the ground, I wouldn’t be overturning the law of gravity. I would simply be intervening. In a similar way, God is able to reach into the world that he created by performing a miracle. He isn’t contravening or overturning the laws of nature; he’s simply intervening.”
Moreland said a lot of brilliant things that evening. I recall being impressed with his entire presentation. But all these years later, his simple illustration of the falling apple is what I remember most clearly. That’s what good illustrations do: they bring abstract concepts to life, heighten our interest, and stick in our minds for long periods.
When I became a teaching pastor at Willow Creek, the power of good illustrations quickly became evident to me. As I recited dry data in my sermons, people sat back in their seats. When I launched into an extended explanation of an issue, they seemed to relax. But when I used a colorful example, a compelling story, or an illuminating anecdote, they would sit up, move to the edge of their seats, and lean forward. Their body language said it all: illustrations captivate people. No wonder Jesus told so many parables!
Moreland and his coauthor, Tim Muehlhoff, have done us a tremendous service by compiling this fascinating and practical volume. They’ve drawn upon a lifetime of experience to offer illustrations on a wide range of topics, from the problem of evil to world religions to the resurrection to ethics to the existence of God.
The God Conversation brims with creative material for your spiritual discussions with friends, neighbors, colleagues, and family members. You’ll find it to be an invaluable resource as you effectively communicate Christianity in ways that others can grasp. As the late evangelist Paul Little used to say, this is “putting the cookies on the bottom shelf”—that is, making complex and controversial topics accessible through easy-to-remember nuggets of insight and wisdom.
Here’s my prediction: when you finish reading The God Conversation, you’re going to feel better equipped and more motivated to reach out to others with the message of Christ. You’ll quickly see for yourself how much God can use illustrations to open minds and warm hearts to the gospel.
Oh, and before you start reading, grab a yellow highlighter. You’re going to need it!
Despite all of our differences, Americans are remarkably similar. In record numbers we tune in Sunday nights to watch cable television’s highest-rated show, The Walking Dead, to see how humans negotiate a zombie apocalypse. We pack theaters and make Star Wars: The Force Awakens the quickest film in cinema history to make a billion dollars. The Affluenza Defense, which allowed a juvenile convicted of vehicular manslaughter to serve no jail time because his rich parents spoiled him, continues to spark national outrage. And images of forty-nine slain individuals at a gay nightclub in Orlando break our collective hearts.
These cultural references dominate social media and water-cooler conversations. They also help us fulfill Peter’s command to give a reason for why we hold to a Christian worldview (1 Pet 3:15). The topics that fill our conversations also open the door to talk about apologetic themes. For example, questions surfaced through characters in TheWalking Dead help us explore morality. In the absence of organized religion or a justice system, do humans now dictate what is right or wrong? Or is there an objective moral law that would even survive a zombie apocalypse? Could the Jedi mind trick be used by God to stop evil? A would-be mugger approaches an unsuspecting couple; does God simply do a mind trick by swiping his fingers and saying, “Move on!” to the mugger? If so, what could be drawbacks to such divine intervention?
Using films, books, television shows, social media, history, and current events to explain and illustrate our faith was the genesis of the first edition of The God Conversation. It resonated with Christian communicators who wanted to use pop culture as a conversational starting point—so much so that InterVarsity Press now releases this tenth-anniversary revised and expanded edition. You’ll find new and timely illustrations sprinkled throughout the book and two new chapters exploring what we think is unique and compelling evidence for God: the argument from desire. This argument suggests that some of our deepest desires—love, acceptance, self-worth—really point us to God.
When asked why she chose to write a novel about the horrors of slavery, Harriet Beecher Stowe responded to her editor, “My vocation is simply that of a painter. . . . There is no arguing with pictures, and everybody is impressed by them whether they mean to be or not.”1 As Christian communicators, our goal is to paint a robust picture of our faith through vivid and memorable illustrations and stories. While your non-Christian friends, coworkers, or neighbors may not always agree with your perspective, there’s no denying that the illustrations you share will make a lasting impression that the Holy Spirit can use long after the conversation is over.
May God bless your illustrative paintings.
It finally happened. For weeks you prayed for the chance to talk to your coworker about God, and then a door unexpectedly opened. Over lunch, amid talk about work and sports, you had it: the God conversation. For thirty minutes you discussed God and how he fits in your life. Your friend asked a few questions but spent most of the time listening.
Now the conversation is over.
Back at your workstation, you are flooded with questions: What did he think about what I said? Did I make sense? Will he avoid me next time we meet in the cafeteria? What did my friend take away from the conversation?
The answer to this last question is not encouraging. Research in communication says that when people leave a conversation, they immediately forget half of what was said. Half! And worse than that, eight hours later, they remember only about 20 percent of what was discussed.
What makes up the part they do remember? Examples.
The illustrations, stories, and quotes you sprinkled throughout your conversation stay with your friend long after the conversation ends. According to communication experts, the most important part of any conversation is when you say, “Think of it this way . . .” or “For example . . .” Illustrations are like calling cards salespeople leave with you after the sales pitch. The calling card serves as a reminder of the case they made. Every time you come across that salesperson’s card, you are reminded of what he or she said. Similarly, every time your friend thinks of the illustrations you used to explain your faith, he or she remembers the point you were making.
The Wall Street Journal reports that comedian Bob Hope so treasured his illustrations that he built a walk-in vault with a six-inch-thick steel door to protect file cabinets filled with illustrations, jokes, and quotes. Should Bob Hope be the only one to collect and value stories and illustrations? No. Christians, too, need to gather illustrations that will make people think.
Peter tells us that each of us needs to be ready to give an explanation for the hope that is in us (1 Pet 3:15). Today a lot needs to be explained:
In a world filled with suffering, why doesn’t God do more? Doesn’t he care about our pain?Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, and Hindus all have just as much sincerity as Christians. How can Christians claim they alone have a corner on God?All of us have the right to choose our own lifestyle, don’t we? If it doesn’t hurt anyone else, we have a right to live as we see fit. You can’t call others sinners just because they don’t see things your way.The thoughts and questions our friends have about God and the Christian faith require careful answers. Our answers require study of the Scriptures, reading of Christian thinkers, and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. They also require vivid illustrations to make our answers clear and memorable.
The God Conversation provides you with illustrations that will linger with your unbelieving friends, coworkers, and family members long after the conversation ends. It gives you rich examples, quotes, and stories that will help explain the Christian worldview in your conversations, blogs, emails, letters, and speeches.
We’ve been training students, pastors, educators, and laypeople in apologetics for a combined total of seventy years and have given apologetic presentations on more than three hundred college campuses. The God Conversation is our attempt to share with you some of our favorite illustrations and quotes.
The illustrations you’ll read in this bookcome from current events, films, favorite TV programs, popular cultural figures, and the parables of Jesus. The God Conversation also contains some of the most effective illustrations from past and current thinkers, including William Paley, C. S. Lewis, Alvin Plantinga, Machiavelli, Os Guinness, John Stott, Norman Geisler, Alan Dershowitz, and Martin Luther King Jr. All the illustrations are short and easy to remember.
The God Conversation is organized around assumptions your friends have that make accepting the truths of Christianity highly unlikely. For short, philosophers call such assumptions defeater beliefs. For example, most of your neighbors believe that all religions are equally valid ways to God. Because they hold this belief, they believe it can’t be true that Christianity is the only way to God. Your family members may embrace the belief that it’s wrong to judge other people. Consequently, they think your belief that the Scriptures have the authority to morally judge people can’t be true. Some of your coworkers may believe that people in Jesus’ day were gullible and superstitious and that belief in miracles is a remnant of prescientific cultures. In our scientific age (they believe) you have to be pretty uninformed to believe in such things.
In this book we lay out what we consider to be the five most likely defeater beliefs you’ll encounter as you share your Christian convictions:
God can’t be good, as seen by all the pain and suffering in the world today (chapters two and three).Christianity can’t be the only way to God, because Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus, and Jews are just as sincere in their faith as Christians (chapters four and five).The biblical accounts of Jesus rising from the dead can’t be trusted, because legend has replaced fact (chapters six and seven).You can’t judge another person, because there’s no ultimate sense of what is right and wrong for everyone (chapters eight and nine).The idea that God made each of us in his image can’t be right because of the fact of evolution (chapters ten and eleven).Our desire for perfect love is fostered by television marketing, not God (chapters twelve and thirteen).As we respond to each of these beliefs, you’ll notice some unique features of our book that we hope will make sharing the Christian worldview easier.
First, we’ve laid out each chapter in a conversational format. The goal of The God Conversation is to have you engage in authentic conversations, not one-sided lectures. Conversations cannot be scripted. A conversation is like a road trip with many diversions and detours. All true conversations involve a give-and-take process. You present your perspective, and the other person responds with a question or objection. In genuine dialogue, questions are not a nuisance but rather are opportunities to engage. In the chapters that follow, we’ve tried to anticipate objections your skeptical friends may have toward the Christian worldview.
Second, we know that our answers, while substantive, are just touching the tip of the iceberg. Indeed, entire books have been written about each of the issues you’ll read about within this one volume. And so each chapter contains Digging Deeper sections that go into more depth concerning a particular question or issue. Also, as we complete our treatment of each major theme, the chapters conclude with suggestions of other books you can read to supplement ours.
Last, we’ve broken each chapter into numerous sections. If you think of each chapter as one lengthy, complex conversation, you’ll most likely feel overwhelmed and stop before you begin. The goal is to have multiple conversations spread out over days, weeks, or even years when you sprinkle in illustrations that your coworkers or friends will remember and take with them. For easy reading and quick review, we’ve set off the stories and illustrations we use with a line down the side. The answers you’ll read in the following pages are packaged in brief, easy-to-read and easy-to-use ways, and we’ve focused our energies and expertise on helping you communicate these answers to real people in real conversations. It is this last distinctive that sets our book apart from most books on apologetics.
If this book gives you fresh insight and new tools for being successful in sharing your faith, we will have succeeded. Our prayer is that you’ll be able to have rich God conversations with those you most care about. In these conversations the illustrations you use, along with the convicting power of the Holy Spirit, will stay with individuals and cause them to wrestle with the truths of Christianity.
An adult bookstore opens for business. Residents of the small southern community are shocked. Two elderly women who have lived in the community their entire lives are livid. They complain to the mayor and other town officials in vain. So they take matters into their own hands. Every hour the bookstore is open, one of them stands outside with a camera, taking pictures of anyone who leaves the store. Day after day, embarrassed customers encounter an unexpected photo op. After two months, customers are chased away, and the store closes. One of the women later confesses that they didn’t even have film in the cameras.
I (Tim) read that story more than twenty years ago. I still remember every detail and the point the author was making: it’s never too late to get involved in community activism. We wrote this book because we believe that illustrations such as the above are the lifeblood of communication. Many share this conviction. Roman philosopher and statesman Seneca stated, “Rules make the learner’s path long; examples make it short and successful.”1
Why are illustrations so important? We can think of at least four reasons.
First, a good illustration makes the idea you are presenting to your non-Christian friend clear and easy to follow. A well-crafted illustration aids understanding by making an idea clearer through examples that amplify and illustrate the meaning.
We admire individuals who can offer examples and illustrations of what they believe. A friend of ours was discussing the crucial role a person’s credentials play in persuading us. He was speaking in theoretical terms until one person in the group asked for an example. He told this story: A communication expert tried an experiment on fellow health club members. He approached people in the club and asked if they had heard of the latest diet craze. He told club members that the creators of the diet claimed that if overweight people, in addition to eating a normal diet and exercising moderately, were to eat three chocolate éclairs a day, they would lose weight. (Actually he had fabricated the diet based on his love of chocolate.) He said it had been discovered that chocolate éclairs contain a special nutrient—encomial dioxin—that attacks calories.
“You’ve got to be kidding!” was the common response.
Ignoring their rolled eyes, the expert told them that the diet had been tested and had full support from experts at Johns Hopkins. Upon hearing the name Johns Hopkins, people paused and began asking questions about the diet. Based on the credibility of a prestigious university, the absurd seemed plausible.
The people in our group laughed at our friend’s story but got the point: we find the credibility of well-known institutions to be very persuasive.
Providing this type of clarity is crucial when you are sharing arguments for God’s existence or the uniqueness of Christianity with your unbelieving friends. Not only will the illustrations in this book help you understand arguments for God’s existence or the uniqueness of Christ, they also will help your unbelieving neighbor or coworker understand as well. Some of the arguments in The God Conversation may be new to you. Our hope is that the illustrations in this book will help you and your friends understand the arguments more clearly.
Second, the purpose of an illustration is to help your friend remember the point you are making. When the conversation is over, your friend will take with him or her the illustrations you used. Jesus knew this and utilized the power of illustrations. Memorable words were especially important in biblical times, when people in the marketplace weren’t exactly taking notes on their laptop computers or smartphones.
The next time you read through the Gospels, pay attention to how Jesus illustrates his ideas. The lamp under the bushel (Lk 8:16), the city on a hill (Mt 5:14), the good Samaritan (Lk 10:25-37), and the camel and the eye of the needle (Mk 10:25) are enduring illustrations. Two thousand years later, we still remember and use Jesus’ vivid examples.
It’s easy to forget an idea, but stories have a lingering effect. The more we sprinkle our conversations with well-crafted illustrations and examples, the more memorable our conversations will be.
Third, a good illustration allows repetition without weariness. No one likes to be lectured to. Any parent knows that children quickly become fidgety during lengthy parental speeches. Yet if you tell them a story about you growing up and how you encountered similar challenges, your children will be more apt to pay attention and remember. You will be making the same point as in the speech, but it will be repackaged.
The same principle is true for apologetic conversations. For example, in our chapter discussing the argument from design (chapter ten), we state that the argument is based on three key ideas:
Where there is design, there is a designer.Signs of design are obvious in our bodies and in the world around us.The design we see in ourselves and in the world should be attributed to an intelligent Designer.Makes sense, doesn’t it? But you can state these three ideas only so many times in a conversation before your friend feels browbeaten.
Instead of merely repeating the three ideas, share with your listener William Paley’s illustration comparing the human eye to a high-powered telescope. In this illustration, Paley observes that both the eye and the telescope are carefully designed to reflect rays of light and bring objects into focus. He concludes that if we attribute the design of the telescope to a master craftsman, surely we ought also to attribute the design of the human eye to a divine craftsman. What has he just said? The same three points listed above.
What Paley’s illustration accomplishes is what educators cleverly refer to as creative redundancy. The same content is shared in a different package.
Finally, a good illustration sustains the interest of the listener. In his lectures on preaching, R. W. Dale states, “Monotony is almost always fatal to interest; monotony of voice, monotony of style, monotony of intellectual activity.”2He’s right, isn’t he? Many of our apologetic arguments, if we are not careful, can be overloaded with facts. If we tell a friend that we have five reasons for believing Jesus is God, he or she may lose interest after the first or second point. Illustrations are a way to reclaim the interest of our friends. A well-crafted illustration can also bring a person into the conversation as an active participant. That’s why many of the illustrations we’ve included in this book are compelling situations that invite the listener to respond to a real or imaginary story or circumstance.
For example, in the next chapter, many of the illustrations will ask your skeptical friend to view life from God’s perspective. If your friend were God, what would he or she do to stop the evil in our world? Set a deadline of some sort? Once it is set, how would your friend enforce the deadline? As God, would your friend zap a would-be terrorist with high-voltage electricity to keep him from blowing up an airplane? Perhaps evil could be eliminated by converting all humans into mindless puppets? Such illustrations turn your friend from being a passive partner in a conversation to being active and involved.
Just as a public speaker runs through a speech multiple times, so we encourage you as the reader of The God Conversation to practice. Most of the quotes listed in the chapters are short and can be easily memorized, such as Voltaire’s thought-provoking idea found in chapter eleven: “If a watch proves the existence of a watchmaker but the universe does not prove the existence of a great architect, then I consent to be called a fool.” The illustrations in this book have been carefully written and edited so they can be committed to memory and then put into the readers’ own words. You will be introduced to examples of how key illustrations, such as Paley’s famous watch illustration, can be paraphrased without losing the power of his argument. As a result, as a reader of The God Conversation, youwill come away with a storehouse of resources to use during any conversation.
The first collection of illustrations focuses on the most pressing issue of our post-9/11 culture: Is God still good in a world of evil?
We live in a world filled with evil.
Individuals are shot to death outside a Paris café. Thousands of Syrian refugees are forced from home and face sickness and death as countries rush to close their borders. Two pressure-cooker bombs explode as people watch the Boston Marathon. An unstable Uber driver in Michigan indiscriminately shoots strangers in between giving rides to customers. The Zika virus infects millions and is linked to crippling birth defects. Are these the images that come to mind when thinking about the evil that envelops our planet? Or perhaps your image is more personal, such as a family member or friend who is suffering through a long illness.
With these images come questions: Is God immune to our suffering? Why did he allow evil to enter our world in the first place? Where was he on 9/11? Why doesn’t he just put an end to pain and suffering? Questions like these foster responses ranging from puzzlement to despair to anger. “The only thing you can say about God,” quipped Woody Allen, “is that he’s an underachiever.”
While answers are hard to come by, one thing is clear: we live in a world filled with pain. Yet as Christians we believe that God is good, aware of our pain, and committed to us. How can these beliefs be reconciled?
In a media-saturated world where disasters, sickness, and acts of terrorism are graphically displayed on television and the Internet, Christians need to be ready to explain to others how a good God can exist in a world of turmoil.
Perhaps more than any other issue, the problem of evil raises powerful emotions and sparks unanswered questions. When people’s lives are touched by suffering, they tend to experience not just one emotion but a rush of emotions, such as sadness, bitterness, confusion, despair, and anger. Theologian Cornelius Plantinga Jr. describes the toll these emotions can take on a person: “A woman came out of a sickroom where a loved one was dying and asked in a tightly controlled voice, ‘Is there a room anywhere in the hospital where I can go and scream?’ A doctor directed her to a place and later mused over the idea that every hospital—maybe every office and home—ought to have a screaming room.”1
He’s right, isn’t he? Anyone might want to scream in the face of tragedy.
When discussing the problem of evil with those outside the Christian community, it’s important to make clear that we all wrestle with this issue, regardless of our view of God. Individuals become defensive when their personal thoughts, experiences, and questions are met with distant neutrality. However, when we meet their views with empathy and an acknowledgment of their hurts or struggles, they feel valued. So let the people you’re speaking with know that Christians are not neutral or detached when it comes to suffering. We have the same urge to visit a screaming room as they do.
Rather than jumping into a quick reply to questions concerning God and evil, consider starting with an illustration in which people’s emotions are acknowledged. Let them know that the questions and emotions they wrestle with were shared by one of Christianity’s greatest defenders: C. S. Lewis.
When C. S. Lewis’s wife, Joy Gresham, died of cancer, he was devastated. In A Grief Observed Lewis lets us in on the anger and confusion he experienced after his loss: “Where is God? . . . Go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is in vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away.”2
Lewis is candid in saying that he could have used a screaming room of his own. In fact, after Joy’s much-prayed-for remission ends, he did yell at God. “Time after time,” Lewis wrote, “when He seemed most gracious, He was preparing the next torture. . . . I wrote that last night. It was a yell rather than a thought.”3
After recounting Lewis’s struggles, ask if your friend can relate to his feelings. Does she feel betrayed by God? Does suffering cause her to want to yell at God? What questions does suffering bring up?
Acknowledging people’s feelings isn’t difficult. First, it means letting them know that you are attempting to understand the significance of their questions and emotions. Second, it means communicating that their feelings are important to you and that you struggle with some of the same doubts and feelings. “It is in suffering,” suggests one theologian, “that the whole human question about God arises.”4To be human is to wrestle with the reality of evil.
After communicating that both Christians and non-Christians wrestle with the problem of evil, be prepared to respond to some poignant questions that those touched by suffering ask. The following questions, though numbered, are not presented in any particular order. Why? Because when people wrestle with evil, they are often flooded with questions that overlap and even contradict each other. In this chapter and the next, we’ll consider seven troubling questions. As you read our responses, remember that each question will most likely be a separate conversation that could be spaced out over days or weeks.
In light of the greatest act of terrorism against the United States (on September 11, 2001), the greatest natural disaster to hit our shores (Hurricane Katrina), and the deadliest shooting on an American college campus (Virginia Tech), this question makes sense. If God exists, why didn’t he create a world free of terrorism and hurricanes? To answer this question adequately, we must consider God’s perspective.
Central to effective communication is the ability to engage in perspective-taking with another person. Perspective-taking is the ability to assume another person’s point of view and see the world through his or her eyes. The choices individuals make will make sense to us only if we understand how they view particular situations and the choices available to them. The same is true with God. To understand the world God created, we need to know the choices available to him.5
Would God create a world of robots that would never disobey him or create human beings who could? Christian philosopher Norman Geisler puts it this way: “To be free we had to have not only the opportunity to choose good, but also the ability to choose evil. That was the risk God knowingly took.”6The following illustration helps us understand why God chose humans over robots.
One of the hottest gifts today for female shoppers is the Mr. Wonderful Doll. He’s twelve inches tall, handsome, and (most important to women) sensitive. This perfect man is programmed to always say the right thing. Simply push a button to hear him say one of sixteen phrases, including,
“You take the remote. As long as I’m with you, I don’t care what we watch.”“The ball game is not that important. I’d rather spend time with you.”“Why don’t we go to the mall? Didn’t you want some shoes?” “You know, I think it’s really important to talk about our relationship.”“You’ve been on my mind all day. That’s why I bought you these flowers.”The best thing about Mr. Wonderful is that he never disappoints. He’s never irritable, sarcastic, or selfish. As long as you keep putting in three AA batteries, he’ll continue to affirm and compliment whoever is pushing his button. It’s certainly understandable why such a doll would be desirable.
God could have done the same—that is, he could have created a world of Wonderful Human Dolls. Each time God pressed our button, we’d be programmed to say,
“God, you have been on my mind all day.”“As long as I’m with you, God, I don’t care what we do.”“God, you are holy, perfect, and worthy of my love.”“God, I would never disobey you.”In a world of human dolls, there would be no evil. Why? Because lying, cheating, rape, murder, abuse, racism, and sexism would not be part of our programming. All we would do, like the Mr. Wonderful Doll, is fawn over God continually. It would be a perfect world, free of evil.
But would a relationship with a doll satisfy?
At this point in the conversation, ask the person with whom you’re speaking if he or she could think of any drawbacks to having a relationship with a Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful Doll. Take time to list the negatives of such a relationship. For example, while Mr. Wonderful can say, “I love you,” does he mean it? Would mindless compliments be enough?