The Path Between Us E-Book

Suzanne Stabile

• Herausgeber: IVP Formatio
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Seitenzahl: 248

Beschreibung

Over 100,000 Copies Sold Worldwide!IVP Readers' Choice AwardMost of us have no idea how others see or process their experiences. And that can make relationships hard, whether with intimate partners, with friends, or in our professional lives. Understanding the motivations and dynamics of these different personality types can be the key that unlocks sometimes mystifying behavior in others—and in ourselves.This book from Suzanne Stabile on the nine Enneagram types and how they behave and experience relationships will guide readers into deeper insights about themselves, their types, and others' personalities so that they can have healthier, more life-giving relationships. No one is better equipped than Suzanne Stabile, coauthor, with Ian Morgan Cron, of The Road Back to You, to share the Enneagram's wisdom on how relationships work—or don't.- Why do Sixes seem so intimidated and put off by Eights, who only wish the Sixes would stop mulling things over and take action?- Why do Fives seem so unavailable, even to their closest family and friends, while Twos seem to feel everybody else's feelings but their own and end up irritating people who don't want their help?- How in the world can Fours be so open and loving to you one day and restrained and distant other times?The Enneagram not only answers these questions but gives us a way out of our usual finger pointing and judging of other people—and finding them wanting, perplexing, or impossible. Suzanne's generous, sometimes humorous, and always insightful approach reveals why all the types behave as they do. This book offers help in fostering more loving, mature, and compassionate relationships with everyone in our lives.

Leseprobe

For Giuseppe

The path between us defines the goodness of the life we share.

I love you with all of my heart.

For our children and those they love

Joey and Billy, Jenny and Cory, Joel and Whitney, B.J. and Devon

For our grandchildren

Will, Noah, Sam, Elle, Joley, Piper, Jase

For Richard Rohr OFM

Who taught me the Enneagram

For Sheryl Fullerton

Who taught me how to write about it

Contents

Introduction: The Enneagram is a Journey

8s: Vulnerability Is Not Weakness

9s: Risking Conflict for Connection

1s: Things Could Always Be Better

2s: Your Feelings or Mine?

3s: Being Everyone but Myself

4s: Go Away but Don’t Leave

5s: My Fences Have Gates

6s: Question Everything

7s: It’s All Good

Conclusion

Acknowledgments

Notes

Praise for The Path Between Us

About the Author

Also Available

Living in the Trinity Ministry

Formatio

More Titles from InterVarsity Press

Copyright

Introduction

The Enneagram Is a Journey

Joseph Stabile is the best person I know—he’s good all the way through. We’ve shared life now for more than thirty years. Even so, there are still times when his actions leave me wondering if I will ever fully understand his way of being in the world.

A few years ago on a flight from New York to Dallas, we were seated in the middle of the main cabin watching strangers as they looked for a place to put their luggage in the already full overhead bins. The last couple to board included a gentle-looking older man carrying his suitcase in front of his body, peeking around it frequently to check for empty seats. His wife followed close behind, looking a bit frightened by all that was going on: there weren’t two seats together, their suitcase would not fit under the seat, and there was no other space for it in the cabin. The flight attendant tried to get their attention, but neither one responded. It was clear they didn’t speak English, so the flight attendant managed the situation the way many of us would—by simply talking louder.

Since Joe is bilingual I thought he could help, so I nudged him and pointed out the obvious communication problem. In fact, I was heavily invested in the prospect of his engagement—all to no avail. He insisted that the flight attendant could figure it out. And he was right. She took the gentleman’s suitcase to the front, someone graciously gave up a seat so the couple could sit together, and my husband was content as we prepared for take-off.

Everyone was okay . . . everyone except me.

I communicate well, verbally and nonverbally. So even though nothing more was said right then, Joe knew that all was not well in his world because all was not well in mine. And since he’s never one to work out things in public—and I’m not one who usually lets things go—we both knew it was only a matter of time.

We got home, settled in, went to bed, and greeted the next day with full schedules. But that next night at dinner I said, “You know that I think you are the best human being on the planet, and that’s still true. But I want you to explain to me why you wouldn’t help that couple on the airplane when they obviously needed a translator.”

And then my husband, who is such a Nine, responded: “Honestly, it never occurs to me that I should help. I see that they are struggling, but I just don’t think about getting involved.”

I found myself, again, aware of the significant difference in the ways Joe and I see the world. I replied as a Two, “I always know who needs help, and I usually know what they need. I’m just not always equipped to offer assistance.”

This story (and a thousand more like it) is the reason I wrote this book. All relationships—those that truly matter and even those that don’t—require translation. And if our interest in relational growth and transformation is sincere, then the Enneagram is one of the most helpful translation tools available.

The Beauty of the Enneagram

I am what is often called a “people person.” Quite frankly, I find other people fascinating and I like them. Almost all of them. I like to talk to them and shake hands or hug or pat them on the back. At the same time, every person I know is a mystery to me—not so much in how they appear, though that in itself is miraculous. The thing I find captivating is that we all behave so differently.

However, in my experience there are two things we have in common: we all want to belong, and we all want our lives to have meaning. But finding belonging and meaning are dependent on our ability to build and maintain relationships—with people who are like us, and often with those who are not.

Some things about the way we do life change over time, but other things stay the same, and there’s seemingly not much we can do about it. We are often confronted with the reality that other people and how they view the world may never make any sense. Keeping in mind that none of us can change how we see, we are left with the option of trying to adjust what we do with how we see.

The Enneagram teaches us that there are nine different ways of experiencing the world and nine different ways of answering these basic questions about life: Who am I?Why am I here? and Why do I do the things I do? How we build and maintain relationships varies significantly from one number to another. Looking through the lens of the Enneagram makes it possible to better understand ourselves and others, increase our acceptance and compassion, and navigate the paths between us.

This book will help in understanding how each of the nine Enneagram numbers sees the world, how they make sense of what they see, how they decide what to do, and how all of that affects how they relate to others. Of course, because this is a book about relationships, it won’t be tidy—human interaction can be unpredictable and messy. Sometimes we get it right and other times we’re dead wrong. The good news is that with the help of the Enneagram, we can all do better.

The Numbers

The chapters that follow are written about each number and include helpful tips for that number as they look at their own relationships. Because these chapters detail the ways a specific number interacts with other numbers, general knowledge about the Enneagram will be helpful. This section offers a brief refresher on the basics. If you haven’t read The Road Back to You, please do—it’s a great introduction to the Enneagram and the perfect companion for this book.

1s are called Perfectionists, but they don’t like that title. They struggle with anger but they turn it in on themselves so it becomes resentment. Ones have a hard time believing that they are good enough or worthy because of a constant inner voice that finds fault with everything they do, so they settle for being right or correct. Ones have a judging/comparing mind. They notice error that others don’t see and they often feel a personal responsibility to correct it. They believe every step of a task should be done correctly, so they give their best, do their best, offer their best, and they expect the same from others.

2s are called Helpers or Givers. They need to be needed. Twos give a lot, sometimes for altruistic reasons and sometimes in order to receive in return, although it is usually a subconscious motivation. When Twos enter a room their attention automatically turns to others and asks, “How are you doing?” “What do you need?” “How can I be helpful?” Their motivation is to build relationships by sensing and meeting the needs of others.

3s are called Performers. They need to be and be seen as successful, efficient, and effective. Threes have trouble reading feelings—their own feelings as well as the feelings of others. Threes often hide their anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment until they are alone to deal with them. They like to set short-term and long-term goals and they usually achieve them. They motivate the rest of us to do things we might never have imagined. And when we win, they win.

4s are the most complex number on the Enneagram. They are called Romantics, and their need is to be both unique and authentic at the same time. Fours believe something is missing in their lives and they won’t be okay until they find it. They are comfortable with melancholy and often get energy from what is tragic. They are the only number on the Enneagram that can bear witness to pain without having to fix it. Because they value authenticity and abhor disingenuousness, Fours naturally elicit more depth in their encounters with others.

5s are called Observers or Investigators. Fives want adequate resources so they never have to depend on someone else. They are the most emotionally detached of all the numbers. This kind of detachment means that they can have a feeling and let it go. They manage fear by gathering information and knowledge. Fives have a limited, measured amount of energy for every day so they are careful about what they offer to others and when. It is extremely brave of them to show up for relationships because it costs them more than any other number.

6s are called Loyalists. They need to feel secure and certain, yet they have a lot of anxiety about possible future events, a world full of threats, and the hidden agendas of others. Sixes manage that anxiety with worst-case scenario planning, order and rules, plans, and the law. They don’t want or need to be the star—they simply do their part and hope everyone else will too. With their loyalty and steadfastness, Sixes are the glue that holds together all of the organizations we treasure and belong to. They are more concerned about the common good than any other number.

7s are called Epicures or Enthusiasts. They take delight in the best possibilities. They need to avoid pain, and they quickly reframe any negative into a positive. Sevens fool themselves into believing they have a full range of emotions, when in fact they live most of life on the happy side—life is to be experienced and enjoyed. This means repetition is not desirable and routine is a turnoff. Sevens are also masters of denial, managing fear by diffusing it. Yet they have a special way of uplifting people around them. Truthfully, we would have a lot less fun in our lives without them.

8s are called the Boss or Challenger. They are independent thinkers who tend to see everything in extremes: good or bad, right or wrong, friend or foe. Anger is their emotion of choice, but it doesn’t last long. While Eights don’t invite forthrightness, they want and respect it. Their focus is outside of themselves and they are always for the underdog. Eights are passionate! They have more energy than any number, giving everything they have to what they are doing or what they believe in, and engaging most with people who are willing to go all out.

9s are called Peacemakers or Mediators. They are the least complex number on the Enneagram. They have the least energy of all the types because they try to keep in anything that would cause conflict and keep out anything that would steal their peace. Nines are the most stubborn number. They manage their anger by being passive-aggressive. They have the gift and the problem of seeing two sides to everything, so they are prone to procrastination and indecision. In relationships, Nines are loyal and like to be close. They are self-forgetting, setting aside their own needs and agendas to merge with others.

The Enneagram offers a unique perspective for accepting what is.

The Enneagram System

The Enneagram is unique in what it offers as we make our way from who we are to who we hope to be. As you begin this journey, here’s an overview of the dynamics of the Enneagram.

Triads.Within the system of the Enneagram there are three ways of meeting the world: feeling, thinking, or doing. The nine numbers are divided among those three ways, known as triads, and your triad is determined by how you encounter information or situations. Twos, Threes, and Fours are part of the Heart Triad, where feelings dominate. The Head Triad includes Fives, Sixes, and Sevens and is dominated by thinking. Doing is dominant for the Gut Triad, which includes Eights, Nines, and Ones.

Wings, stress, and security.Each number on the Enneagram has a dynamic relationship with four other numbers: the two numbers on either side as well as the two at the other ends of the arrows in the diagram above. These four other numbers can be seen as resources that give you access to different patterns of behavior. While your core motivation and number never change, your behavior can be influenced by and can even make you look like another of these numbers. Mature students of the Enneagram can learn to move around the circle, using these four auxiliary ways of behaving as needed.

The four dynamic numbers are the following:

Wing numbers. These are the numbers on either side of your number, and they have the capacity to significantly impact behavior. For example, a Four with a Three wing is more outgoing than a Four with a Five wing, who is more introverted and withdrawing. Wings, in general, affect behavior when dominant, but have no effect on core motivation. Understanding the degree to which you lean into one wing or the other is important in understanding your own personality.

Stress number.This is the number your personality draws on when you are stressed, indicated by the arrow pointing away from your number on the diagram above. For example, in stress Sevens draw from One behavior. They can become less easygoing and adopt more black-and-white thinking. Your stress number is not necessarily a negative move—you need the behavior of the number you go to in stress to take care of yourself.

Security number.Just as you draw from one number when stressed, you also draw on the behavior of another number when you’re feeling secure. This is indicated by the arrow pointing toward your number on the diagram above. For example, Sevens draw from Five behavior when they’re feeling secure, letting go of their need for excess and embracing a less-is-more mentality. All numbers need the behavior available in security to experience holistic healing.

Stances.In everyday language, stance describes how we stand or carry ourselves. It’s much the same in the Enneagram: stance indicates a posture or attitude that is a habitual, patterned way of responding to experiences. It’s the default mode for how a number behaves. In each chapter I will offer you a bit of insight as to how the stance of the number relates to how he or she navigates relationships.

The Aggressive Stance (Threes, Sevens, Eights). These people are happy to be in charge of others, and they put their agendas first. They are seen as standing independently and, at times, as moving against others. Their orientation to time is the future.

The Dependent Stance(Ones, Twos, Sixes). These people are very concerned with others’ expectations so they are loyal and dependable. They are seen as moving toward others, and their orientation to time is the present.

The Withdrawing Stance(Fours, Fives, Nines). These people are slow to act because they are often shy or introverted. They are seen as moving away from others, and their orientation to time is the past.

A Word of Advice

I know you will be tempted to go straight to the chapter about your number and read that first, followed by the numbers of the people you are closest to. I might do the same thing. But I would encourage you to read the whole book. You will find information about your number as you relate to the other numbers included in every chapter. Your next step will be to read and use The Path Between Us Study Guide, perhaps with another person or in a group.

Your understanding of who you are affects every relationship you enter into and try to maintain.

It is my hope that this book will help you make all of your relationships better, not just a chosen few. But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention some things we should all watch out for when applying the wisdom of the Enneagram to our relationships.

It’s important to remember that the Enneagram is not a static system: we are all moving from healthy, through average, to unhealthy, and back again. In my experience, most of us spend our time somewhere in the high-average range. We often respond to life from a healthy place, and during challenging times we probably react in unhealthy ways. So this book primarily depicts how we respond to others when we’re in the average to healthy range.

We also need to keep in mind that there are many variations of each number. Those variations result from whether you are introverted or extroverted; whether you are, at that moment, in a healthy, average, or unhealthy space; whether you are social, one-to-one focused, or self-preserving; whether your orientation to time is the present, the past, or the future; and how familiar you are with the Enneagram as well as other tools for personal and spiritual growth.

Finally, since we are talking about relationships, there are a few key interpersonal principles to keep in mind as you read. First, please don’t use your Enneagram number as an excuse for your behavior. Second, don’t use what you’ve learned about the other numbers to make fun of, criticize, stereotype, or in any way disrespect them. Ever. Third, it would be great if you would spend your energy observing and working on yourself as opposed to observing and working on others. And going forward, I hope you will share my desire that we all grow in our ability to accept, love, and walk beside one another on the path with loads of compassion and respect.

It’s Worth the Work

Recently Joe and I were on another flight and were seated in the second exit row. In the row in front of and across from us, the flight attendant was asking a passenger if he spoke English. He said, “No,” so she asked again. And again he shook his head and said, “No.” Since she continued, in English, to explain to the passenger that he could not sit in the exit row unless he spoke English, he continued to engage with her, attempting to understand what she was saying.

In an effort to be respectful of what Joe taught me about Nines the last time we traveled together, I remained silent.

Then, just as I buckled my seat belt, Joe unbuckled his. Noticing the struggle, he stepped over me into the aisle and, in Spanish, explained to the gentleman that he would need to trade seats with the woman in front of him because of an airline requirement that everyone in the exit row speak English.

The man got up to move. Smiling, he thanked Joe for helping him. When my thoughtful, bilingual husband returned to his seat, the woman behind us reached over the top of her seat, patted him on the shoulder, and thanked him for being so kind and so very helpful.

When we are able to see ourselves as we are, and as we can be, it’s a beautiful thing.

8s

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness

Melissa called and asked if we could talk about a problem at work, so I suspected it was in regard to her relationship with a colleague at her new job. The head of recruiting at a high-tech startup, Melissa is smart, creative, and very successful. She’s a good leader, but like other Eights she often struggles in relationships with her coworkers. Eights function best when they can choose who they work with, but Melissa inherited her staff when she joined the company. From earlier conversations, I knew that she would not have chosen Emily.

Melissa had previously told me how tired she was of hearing Emily whine about the database system. “Instead of whining, why can’t she just learn it!” Melissa usually worked fifty-five hours a week and was angry that Emily struggled to work forty, often missing work-related events for her aging mother’s doctor appointments, her granddaughter’s ballet recitals, and other personal conflicts.

When I answered the call from Melissa, she was already operating at an increased volume, as is typical for Eights. Like other Eights, who seldom have time for or any interest in small talk, she jumped right in. “It’s about Emily. We just completed her six-month performance review. I started by asking her if she had anything she wanted to talk about before we discussed her evaluation. I thought that was such a great way to start—you know, kind of personal.”

But Melissa was not prepared for what she heard next. With a shaky voice, Emily said, “I don’t think you respect me. You are always so impatient and demanding. Sometimes I even feel bullied by you. Other people I have talked to said they have felt that too.”

I could tell by her tone that Melissa was still angry, but I also knew she was hurt. I asked how she responded to Emily.

“Well,” she said, “I paused and then asked some questions.”

“What kind of questions?”

“I wanted her to give me objective proof for her feelings, so I asked her what happened to make her feel that way. I told her I had been very honest with her about my expectations and her responsibilities. I tried to explain to her that our department is very important to this phase of building the business and that we have a responsibility to recruit the right people for crucial positions or the company will fail.”

There was a long pause, and then Melissa asked me very sincerely, “Suzanne, why can’t people just do their jobs?”

What’s Going on Here?

Which person in this story do you identify with most? Why?

Is Melissa a bully? Why or why not?

What does Emily really want from Melissa?

How can the Enneagram explain what’s happening here?

Through the lens of the Enneagram, this story is about so much more than an aggressive boss and an intimidated or ineffective employee. It’s about two people who see the job and their working relationship—and the world—from completely different perspectives. Melissa is an Eight. Emily is not. Melissa thought she was encouraging Emily to fulfill her professional responsibilities, so she was blindsided by Emily’s emotional outburst. Although they managed to finish the performance review, Melissa shared with me that she had no confidence that things would change. Eventually, Emily asked to be transferred.

Most Enneagram numbers broker peace with others as they go through the day—bridging emotional distance with a quick exchange, observation, or compliment before each going their own way. Unfortunately, Eights don’t feel the obligation that prompts this kind of relational cleanup, so they usually move on to the next thing. It can feel like Eights don’t care about us, but the fact is they simply aren’t thinking about us—they are thinking about what needs to be done next.

In this story about Melissa and Emily, like so many stories that make up our days, we know what happened but we don’t know why. The Enneagram helps us understand the dynamics, motivations, and experiences of all nine numbers and their interactions and relationships with one another.

The World of Eights

An Eight’s first response to anything is “What am I going to do?” This can be tricky in relationships because many other people initially ask, “What do I think?” or “What do I feel ?” Eights tend to get along very well with Threes and Sevens, who are also all about doing. These three numbers struggle with others who seem to be burdened by feelings or slow to respond because they think too long before they act.

Every number avoids something.

In the context of relationships, doing as a first response often seems aggressive to other Enneagram numbers who are more oriented toward thinking or feeling. So Eights need to stop long enough to consider that for some, thinking must come before acting, and for others, feelings determine what action will be taken and when. This isn’t just a matter of preference—it has to do with how we see. For example, Fives and Sixes think it’s outrageous and irresponsible to take such quick action since they are so sure people need to evaluate multiple options and outcomes first.

But any kind of pause is difficult for Eights since they want to have control over what’s happening inside of them and in the world. Sometimes Eights act too quickly, leaving no room for other perspectives or to allow others to offer what they have to give. Even so, people still look to Eights to make decisions and lead, expecting them to slow their pace, explain the plan, and ask for suggestions. With a focus on doing, none of that would occur to an Eight. Todd Dugas, an Eight who serves as the executive director of a recovery center, explains it this way:

I used to feel resentment toward my staff because they were not doing their part. And then when I thought about it, I realized I never trained them or told them what I really wanted. I just gave them the basics and expected that they would expand on that somehow. Maybe that’s because sitting down, interacting with them, and really having a conversation was a struggle. I also struggled with other staff members who were just barely doing their job. I used to get rid of those people all the time.

Eights need to pay attention when they move so quickly in a relationship that others can’t keep up. Others will often go along, but it’s likely because they don’t feel like they have a choice. And this often results in resentment.

8 Eights in average or below space may be tempted to get even with people who have treated them or others unjustly.

One Eight said: “The biggest misunderstandings we have at home are centered around times when I have expectations of others that I haven’t clearly articulated. When they are not operating at the same speed or intensity as I am, I get really frustrated, really fast. Explaining what we are doing and why can be burdensome. But at times I need to include the others in my family plan.” The truth is, when Eights choose inclusion it requires very little time and the payoff is significant: it alleviates misunderstanding and creates significant connections.

Vulnerability and self-protection. Eights avoid vulnerability to protect themselves emotionally. As children, others made comments about them such as, “She’s so bossy” or “He doesn’t listen to anybody.” As adults, they are often labeled as aggressive, so others frequently adopt a defensive stance in relationships with them, feeling a need to protect themselves in some way. The irony is that Eights also feel the need to protect themselves, but they do it by avoiding helplessness, weakness, and subordination.

In her now-famous TED talk on the subject of vulnerability, Brené Brown, a leading researcher and writer, said, “Vulnerability is the idea that in order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen—really seen.” Eights want to feel connected to those who are close to them as much as any other number. But they have a big problem: one of the very few things they are afraid of is being exposed in moments of weakness, limitation, or indecision. If Brown is right and connection depends on our ability to be vulnerable, and being vulnerable suggests we are willing to be seen, then that relational motivation is key. I think Eights feel as exposed as the rest of us do at times. They just express it differently.

An Eight who is married and the mother of four explained her vulnerability in her family relationships:

I will want to trust you with everything even though that is hard for me. I will be in your corner all the time. I will fight for you more than I will fight with you. I will surprise you with my mushy tears and maybe even eventually I won’t try to cover them up. I will feel angry at you when you are being angry at me, and I’ll have to work really hard to find the feelings underneath that. I will love you beyond reason and that might scare me in the beginning.

Although Eights can be vulnerable in close relationships, they always struggle with their discomfort of expressing softer feelings.

Despite their best efforts to protect themselves, Eights, like all of us, have experiences in life that they are not ­prepared for. In those times, when they feel emotionally ­exposed, Eights allow us to see them. If only briefly, we are given an opportunity to know them in a new way. In such moments, the Eights in my life have taught me that they are not intending to be aggressive—they are just trying to protect themselves.