Thinking Sexy E-Book

Amanda Lowe

• Herausgeber: Crown House Publishing
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 208

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2005

Beschreibung

Thinking Sexy explores subconscious and deep-seated attitudes and defences that can prevent a woman from enjoying her sex life to the full. This is not a prescriptive book but one which will help the reader to open her mind to more opportunities which can enliven a flagging sex life or make her intimate moments even more exciting.

Leseprobe

For my mum And Quentin

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank all the women who took time to answer the survey, the women who spoke to me about their thoughts about sex, and who told me that they needed to read a book like this.

Thanks also to the girls’-night-out brigade for madcap dreams and schemes and drunken evenings.

Thanks to my friends and relatives for being curious, but leaving me to get on with it.

A huge thanks and kisses to my lovely family for reminding me that there is more to life than a computer screen.

Thanks again to the Crown House Publishing team for the support and encouragement.

And last, but by no means least, a huge thank-you to editing queen Fiona Spencer Thomas for all her hard work and for patiently reminding me that my sexual fantasies might not be everyone’s cup of tea, that the book will survive without a section on farting in bed, and for coming up with lots of more appropriate ways of saying ‘a twelve-inch donger’.

Contents

Title Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Introduction

1 Clearing the Way for New Beginnings

2 It’s Not What You Do, It’s the Way that You Do It

3 The Inner You

4 Personal Sexual Abundance

5 Sex and Power

6 Personal Sexual Philosophy

7 Desires

8 Power, Satisfaction, Stability and Sex

9 Sexual Strength

10 Respecting Limitations

11 Everything Changes

12 Changing Points of View

13 The Martyrs’ Club

14 Genies Out of Bottles

15 Creating the Right Recipes

16 The Devil Made Me Do It

17 The Tower

18 Starlight, Starbright

19 Howling at the Moon

20 The Only Time We Have is Now

Postscript: We’ve Come a Long Way (a Gentle Reminder)

Copyright

Introduction

When I was writing this book, I got a big sheet of card and on it wrote, ‘Come and talk to me about sex.’ I took the card, set up a table and a few chairs in the busy city centre of Hull, got out my clipboard and went up to people saying, ‘I’m doing a survey …’

‘No thanks,’ they replied, as they walked away.

‘It’s about sex,’ I added.

‘Tell me more,’ they would say, walking over to my table in the mid-day hustle and bustle to sit down and talk about sex to a complete stranger.

There’s something about sex that fascinates people. I spoke to all kinds of people – young, old, sexually active, past it, not doing it yet, you name it. They all sat at my table. I spoke to men and women, but I must confess I did target women specifically. They were the ones I wanted to talk to, because this book is for women, looking at sex from a woman’s point of view, so it was important to know that I wasn’t alone in my thoughts and theories.

One thing they all had in common was that, as soon as they started talking about sex, thinking about sex and accessing their feelings about sex, they smiled. Every single person walked away from my table feeling happy. It had nothing to do with the table or with me: it was because of their thoughts. I watched their faces grow rapturous and blissful as they spoke to me and thought about what sex meant to them. Even thinking about sex can change a person’s internal state. It doesn’t matter whether it is remembering an experience that happened years ago, fantasising or anticipating. Just thinking about sex can change the way you feel.

When I wrote this book I was tired of being bombarded by books, magazines and late-night television telling me that, to have good sex, I should do this, try that, buy this or look like that. Sex had somehow evolved to be all about positions, toys, endurance, experimentation and looking good. It seemed that normal people didn’t have sex any more. So I went out and spoke to normal people about sex and discovered that I am normal. We normal people not only have sex, but we enjoy it, we think about it often and, no matter how good our sex lives may or may not be, we are always keen to find ways to improve.

As I didn’t want to impose my thoughts and presuppositions on the people I questioned, I devised a set of questions that were very open and left plenty of room for individual interpretation. I wanted to survey all kinds of people, so the same questions had to translate across a broad cross-section of the population. Some of the interviews were conducted face to face, some via e-mail, some people were given the questions and wrote down the answers. This is what everyone started with:

THE LOWE SEX SURVEY

This questionnaire is part of the research for my current book which looks at the thoughts and the reasoning behind sex, rather than positions, toys, experience etc.

I am questioning as many people as I can, to get a wide cross section of ages, occupations, experience etc. Please forward this questionnaire on to as many people as possible – you can e-mail the answers to me and your answers will be kept anonymous.

Most of the questions are deliberately abstract – I want you to add your own meanings to the questions. There are no right or wrong answers. (Only honest and dishonest ones!)

The Questions (take as much space as you need to answer the questions and thank you for your time and your honesty)

1 Sex is …

2 What does sex do for you?

3 Does love play a part?

4 What do you want from sex?

5 Are you a saint or a sinner?

6 What do you believe about sex?

7 What is good sex?

8 I want to feel …

9 I am …

10 I want …

11 I know …

12 I … sex, but …

13 The best time for sex is …

14 When I feel sexy, I …

15 I’m too …

16 I need more …

Age

Occupation

Are you currently in a relationship?

How long have you been in/out of a relationship?

Any other comments:

Many thanks, Amanda Lowe.

What you will read in the quotes scattered throughout the book are the responses from real women of all ages and backgrounds. Talking to these women has confirmed what I had long suspected: that we don’t all have, want or need sex toys, bendy bodies, multiple orgasms or even sexual intercourse in order to enjoy sex. Our most erotic organ is our mind, and that is where it all originates. We all think about sex.

This book is not a sex manual. It takes you on a journey, exploring sex in a way that I’ve never found in all the sex books I’ve read. This book is about the desire, the essence, the zest of sex and where we experience it.

It’s time to taste, savour and relish the power of your most erotic organ. It’s time to prime your mind for sex.

1

Clearing the Way for New Beginnings

Are you curious? Do you like to peep? If I told you that reading this book will change the way you think about sex, would you believe me, or would you have to read the whole book before you realised my outrageous claim was true? Flick through the book and have a peep, let your curiosity get the better of you, because in the following pages I am going to reveal all you need to know about sex. I’m not talking about all the positions in the Kama Sutra or what to do to turn your lover on. I’m talking about what goes on in your head, the thoughts you have that can turn your world around, thoughts that open the door to magical sexual ecstasy, or simply put a smile on your face on a cold, rainy day. In the course of the following chapters, I will explain how you can start ‘thinking sexy’, whenever you want, in any way you choose.

You may ask, who am I to impart this knowledge, to discuss this holiest of holy grails? Am I really the one with the answers? How have I found these answers? Am I a sex siren who has learned the ancient art of luring men by my dazzling good looks and winning charms? Maybe I have had a long and lurid past and speak with the bitter voice of experience. Or perhaps I am a virginal nun who knows nothing of the physical act of sex but much about the spiritual aspect. Maybe I am one of those angry, ardent feminists who think that all men are bastards and that all you really need to know about sex with a man is that it’s rubbish. Maybe I’m one of those older, trustworthy women, someone like your mother, your aunt, your big sister, who will tell you that all you need to know is to make sure you’re on the pill and make sure he wears a condom. Well, I could be a little bit of them all, and, just so you know more about the real me, I have condensed my life into the following paragraph.

After leaving university, I spent several years touring Europe as The Amazing Betty, one half of Fritz & Betty’s Fantastic Fire-eating Show, where I juggled, walked on stilts and ate fire. The ‘rave years’ in the mid-1990s were spent as a musician and were followed by the births of four children, then a decision to settle down and study how the mind works. I qualified as a clinical hypnotherapist, life coach and master of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and worked with clients from all walks of life. I’ve been having sex since 1979 and have been with my partner enjoying a healthy sex life for over twenty years. I learned most of what is in this book by talking to people – clients, friends, people like you or me – and listening to what they had to tell me.

My curiosity has always been a driving force in my life and I have written this book to satisfy my curiosity about sex. If you too are curious, maybe you’ll let me be that little voice inside your mind who knows deep down that you are a wonderful, gorgeous, erotic, sublime creature. Yes, that’s who I’ll be as you read this book because after all, nobody knows you better than you do. You know all you need to know about sex right now but perhaps at the same time you realise that you would like to know more and that’s why you are reading this book. You could be reading it to see how it measures up to what you’ve learned or perhaps you are simply curious. Curious is a wonderful state to be in and, although curiosity may have killed the cat, it can bring your pussy to life.

I want you to stop for just a moment and think about that voice in your mind – that internal dialogue you have with yourself that we all have playing most of the time. If I am going to become a temporary voice in your mind, I want it to be friendly and one you can have a laugh with that makes you feel good.

Think back to a time when you felt good, really fantastic, a time when you felt you had the world at your feet and could do anything, go anywhere and be anyone you wanted to be. The world was full of possibilities and everything was within reach. If you have never experienced a time like that or you can’t remember, then just imagine how it would feel. Imagine yourself in a state of mind where you can see the potential for fun, happiness and excellence everywhere. We’re just pretending here, so you can really go to town. Nobody else will even know you are doing this. They’re sitting there, watching the telly, or bitching about how bad their day was, but here you are, curled up, reading this book and imagining the world is your oyster.

Visualise yourself open and receptive to new ideas. You have new ways of thinking, you are willing and able to happily cast aside all the things that have held you back and prevented you from going where you want, feeling what you want to feel and doing what you want. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but it feels good, doesn’t it?

Let’s imagine a bit more and pretend that, just for a moment, nothing else matters but the Here and Now. There’s no past to worry about, no future calling you and keeping you in line, and everybody you have ever known is in temporary suspended animation, leaving you to think and act and do whatever you wish, in whatever way you want. That feels good, doesn’t it? All the ‘needy ones’, all those people who lay claim on your mind, your time, your space, your identity, we’ve got them all quiet and safe, locked away, floating safely in a bubble. Nothing else matters but the Here and Now.

Let’s really go to town and imagine that you have one of those stun guns that can temporarily eradicate any feelings of anger, hate, lethargy, duty, jealousy or regret. You know the sort of feelings I’m talking about here – go on, blast away, get rid of them. This is all going on inside, in your mind, so you can allow yourself to be as creative as you want. Let those feelings be little creatures that you, the superhero, are blasting away. Let rip and get rid of them.

This is simply an exercise for your mind, to get it toned up, freed from constraining thoughts and ready for anything. Go for it, zap away with that imaginary stun gun and pop anything else into imaginary suspended animation.

How good does it feel, now that you have managed to get rid of all the irritations? They are gone, either floating in a bubble or blasted with your stun gun. All your shackles are untied; there is just you and the potential to be anything you want to be. You’re feeling fantastic, energised and in a state of wanton curiosity. I bet you’re even smiling.

What sort of things will you be saying to yourself? What will your tone of voice sound like? Loud, soft, singsong, monotone? What does that inner voice feel like now? Where are you hearing it?

How do you feel when you hear this voice? Where are you experiencing those feelings?

Before we go any further, we need to anchor your inner voice, those feelings and that state of curiosity. Allow yourself to really hear that voice, the feelings of freedom and unlimited potential. Anchor it.

‘How do I do that?’ I hear you ask.

Tell yourself that, whenever you pick up this book, you will instantly re-experience this state. Hold the book and know that each time you hold it you will be in this fantastic, amazing, curious, anything-is-possible state because you have given yourself permission to do so. Let that voice you have uncovered speak to you as you read.

Right now you are at the beginning of a journey – a journey to discover all you need to know about sex and a new way of thinking. I have the journey mapped out on the wall in front of me; you may have already travelled along a similar route but this time I’m your guide and we’re here to have fun. You won’t be needing passports, toys or money: all you’ll need is an open mind.

By the way, any realisations, flashes of inspiration or nights of wild unbridled passion that you may experience through reading this book are all down to you – I am merely the voice in your mind.

So what happens at the beginning of a journey? Beginnings are all about energy, optimism, making room for the unexpected and the unplanned. The best beginnings happen when we can abandon any preconceived notions of what to expect. Why? So that we can experience everything from a fresh, untarnished point of view.

Do you remember the first time you learned about sex? I recall a gradual realisation that boys were different from girls and it had something to do with that thing they had between their legs. Then someone at school told me about sex – yuk! All the older kids in the playground, those worldly-wise six- and seven-year-olds confirmed that what I’d heard was the truth.

So I left it at that. I wasn’t sure who did sex but it couldn’t be any of the grown-ups I knew: they wouldn’t do anything as silly as that, would they?

I dismissed sex as something that would never enter my world.

As a nine-year-old, I was forced to rethink my ideas when my mother gave me and my brother the ‘facts-of-life talk’ accompanied by diagrams. Is that all there is to sex? Penises, vaginas and babies? So what was all the fuss about? Why all the secrecy, smut and innuendo?

By the time I reached secondary school, I had managed to figure out that somehow sex could be enjoyable, desirable even, but the sex-education class explained a little more to us about the subject. They told us that you don’t automatically get pregnant every time you have sex. You can catch all sorts of dreadful diseases, which will make you go blind, develop nasty rashes, smell, make you infertile and can kill you. This is what having a baby looks like (turn out the lights, roll the film, catch ’em as they faint).

They tried so hard to put us off sex. And they almost succeeded. But almost isn’t good enough. Within two or three years, we were all at it like rabbits. And why? I had heard nothing good about sex; clinical descriptions made it sound dreadful; and there were terrible, terrible consequences waiting for you once you entered the world of sex.

But I was curious about it; I no longer believed everything I heard and, admitting I knew nothing, I couldn’t wait to try.

It may sound strange but our introductions to the world of sex can shape and colour how we think about sex for the rest of our lives. My introduction gave me a sense of curiosity, of wanting to know more. It’s like being introduced to the world of Ferraris by having someone explain the inner workings of a Ferrari engine, looking at diagrams of how it’s all put together, being told the danger of driving too fast and being expected to know all about driving one. It’s not until you are behind the wheel, feeling the throb of the engine, smelling that leather interior and seeing the dashboard light up that the thrill of driving a real-life Ferrari hits home.

If your introduction to a Ferrari was being knocked over by one, then no amount of reading about them, having their engines explained and polishing the bonnet can take away the impression that they hurt you, they are driven by idiots and they should all be sent to the scrapyard.

The beginnings of any sexual thoughts will always contain some degree of energy because that is the essence of beginnings. Energy can be many things and the way you were introduced to sex will decide the kind of energy you experienced.

At the start we know nothing. Everything we learn, we learn through experience, we learn from others, or we decide for ourselves that it must be so.

We each paint within our minds our own individual picture of what sex is to us. First, we have a blank canvas and on it is written ‘SEX’. I’m not speaking literally here: I’m speaking metaphorically. The canvas may be of one solid colour – say red, gold, black or purple – or it may be lots of different colours. We may be proud of the picture we have created and decide to hang it up for all the world to see, or maybe we paint a little picture then chop it up and burn it. But the picture we paint of what sex represents to us is inspired by what we think of sex.

The picture I paint now is very different from the picture I would have painted aged ten, fourteen or at twenty-one. That’s the wonderful thing about sex: it changes and metamorphoses as we change, if we allow it to.

When you think about it, everything starts in the imagination. Each of us decides whether we want to revel in ignorance or bliss. We each decide whether we are going to be curious, angry, afraid, filled with awe or filled with pain. Unexpected, unwel- come events occur and things happen that are outside our control, but we make the ultimate decision as to how we react to any situation and how deeply we let it affect us.

We began our voyage of sexual discovery drawn inexorably towards something we didn’t understand. Could we have ignored those desires? Could we have altered the circumstances surrounding our introduction to the world of sex? We can’t go back and change the past but we can change how we react to it now. If the picture you painted at the beginning wasn’t a very nice one, stop looking at it, change the picture and start again. You don’t need to carry it around with you like a talisman.

Beginnings are exciting, ambiguous and scary but it’s only when we are willing to say ‘I know nothing’ that we are ready to learn. Beginnings are a time to wipe the slate clean, start a new canvas and paint in fresh, new colours.

Let’s leap into the unknown …

2

It’s Not What You Do, It’s the Way that You Do It

There comes a time when the unknown becomes the known. Knowing something can take on many forms. It is possible to know about sex and have a fairly broad knowledge about it without ever having experienced sex physically.

It is also possible to feel as though you know everything there is to know about sex by the very fact that you have experienced it. As with so many things in life, the more you practise, the better you are at it.

A friend of mine had a boyfriend who put a little star in his diary every time they had sex and when he reached a hundred stars he considered himself to be an expert, a master in the art of sex – and he had the stars in his diary to prove it! However, my friend confessed that stars or no stars, he still knew nothing other than a few rudimentary mechanics.

Mastering the Art of Sex involves more than reading books, watching films, talking to people or doing it lots of times. It’s not a one-person show in which you are wowing your audience with your dazzling tricks. Unless, of course you are performing a one-person sex show – but that is a totally different ball game. Or is it? Essentially, having sex with someone and giving a performance are related in some way, aren’t they?

I knew some people who were street performers. They juggled and did magic tricks – and very good they were, too. They had this one old standard trick in which someone lies in a long box on the ground and the other person would put these big steel blades into the box, take them out again and – ta-daa! Out would leap one un-chopped-up street performer to the rapturous applause of the crowd. That was the bare bones of the trick and it wasn’t difficult. I had seen them do this many times and I knew exactly how it was done. I knew, as did most of the audience, that it was an illusion, but I never got tired of watching. These guys were true masters and, even though the illusion could be performed in two minutes, they never did it in less than ten, and, when they were on a roll, I’ve seen them make it last for twenty.

Don’t get me wrong – a twenty-minute version of what is essentially a two-minute illusion isn’t necessarily an excruciatingly boring, mind-numbingly slowly performed magic trick. It can be an act of consummate professionalism. They got the audience into a state of anticipation, playfulness and curiosity, made sure they were all there with them, enjoying the ride, going along with the spirit of it all and entering into their world. It wasn’t until they knew that they had them captive, hanging on their every word that they even started the magic trick. All the time, they were joking about, quipping, bantering with the audience and each other, never once missing a beat, yet