THIS is America?!! - A European Expat in the USA E-Book

Jonathan Claay

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Seitenzahl: 295

Beschreibung

Did you hear the story about the European who moved to America? America: that potpourri of modern dysfunctionalia... ...that sticky, spicy, simmering crawfish gumbo of a society... ...where a half-white man can become the first black president. America: love it or leave it... or else!

Leseprobe

Book Reviews

"Good ol' fashioned lit'rature!"

- Jonathan Claay, Book Reader

_________________________

"I like you so-o-o-o much...

now buy my book

(after all, that's the American way)."

- Jonathan Claay, Author

_________________________

"On sale now!

2 for the price of 1 pair!

What a deal!"

- Jonathan Claay, C.P.O.

(Chief Promotional Officer)

_________________________

"This book it HOT!

And yet... sooo co-o-o-o-l."

- Jonathan Claay, a Regular Guy

Table of Contents

The First Day in the USA

The Comforts of Home

MaxiFoods

All the Rage

The Barbeque

The Fundraiser

At the Donut Shop

The Gun Range

The Techno-God

All You Can Eat!

Close One

Barking in the Night

Good Lord

Keeping Up with the Joneses

Lost

Values

The Fourth of July

The Feminist

Day Care

Straightened Out

Dinner and a Movie

How Bouta' Nice Cup a' Coffee

The First Day in the USA

As the door opens, there is an eruption of joy.

"Helloooo, Kai!"

"Welcome to America, Kai!"

"Yeaaaaa!! Kai's here!"

The celebrants have their arms raised, and some are pumping the air with their fists in an excited rhythm, going "whOO, whOO, whOO!". They are surrounded by floating helium balloons printed with ecstatic smiley faces, the word "Congrats!" in confetti-colors and a waving American flag swelling out on the puffy, inflated surfaces.

The balloons are almost indistinguishable among the faces of Kai's new coworkers.

Kai Regenbogen has heard about the Americans, that they can be a bit "over the top" when it comes to expressing themselves, but he had never been confronted with it until now. Facing the unexpected crowd, he remembers when he started in the German branch of the air-defense company just out of college: there was a sociable and respectful round of handshakes, an in-depth description of the department and his awaiting duties, and then some vague chatter before everyone went their separate, quiet ways to their desks.

Now, in his new workplace in America, he cannot help but smile among the infectious energy of this reception they are giving him – as though he is a long-absent family member who has finally returned, with whom they have a shared history, many intimate moments of long-developed trust, and deeply persononal experiences that only they share and over which they can now finally reminisce.

But they are complete strangers.

American strangers.

And that makes all the difference.

Before he can figure out how to respond to this ebullient welcome from people he has never met before, the group suddenly breaks apart and the members stride towards him, like wild molecules of an exploding atom.

He steps back in surprise (and not without a dim sense of fear), but they quickly surround him. The short fat woman in the front of the group is the first to reach up and throw her arms around his upper torso for a big, sloppy hug. The others follow, the men as well as the women, and it is like he has slipped and fallen into an octopus tank. There are arms everywhere, and he is engulfed in the mass of denim and casual wear. His shoulders and back are being patted in different rhythms from all sides… and then they all step back one by one and smile at him, glowing – like happy bunnies, as if expecting something similar in return.

Kai takes a moment to adjust from the shock, not knowing how to respond to such expressiveness from people who, five minutes before, he would have passed on the street without any acknowledgement between them.

Standing still in his private space, the German engineer digs deep into his heart and soul and comes up with a "Sank you, everybody", with a slight smile on his face. He conceives of this as an equivalent reaction on his part to what he has just received, because it is not a phrase that is lightly dispensed in his home culture.

The crowd members are a bit surprised by his subdued reaction. They expected more of a "Hey, everybody! GREAT to be here!", like from a stand-up comedian taking the stage under the glaring spotlights of a nighttime talk show.

Next to him, the smiling Human Resources worker takes up the ball and says, "Kai, as your 'Corporate Ambassador'" – the Americans love manipulating language for the sake of hyperbolic effect – "I would like to welcome you to your new family".

He thinks suddenly of the Soviets who took over part of his country decades ago, and who started with a somewhat similar approach.

"We all know you're a long way from your home in –", and the chubby woman with the bare arms and the deeply-unbuttoned shirt looks at the paper on top of her folder "– Bad and Word Embargo?" (she says it like a question, and as though it's hard for her to believe that someone's hometown can have such a peculiar name).

"Baden-Wuerttemberg", Kai says. "Dat vas where I vorked, but I am vrom de Nort of Chermany – a little village called Rucklingsdorf1."

"That's a mouthful, dude", says somebody from the crowd. The man is of slightly more than average height, and rather full-formed, but not yet noticeably heavy by local standards. His cheeks are somewhat puffy and he looks as if he has been inflated a bit by a bicycle pump, but he is not known as being comparatively fat.

"Kai Reagan-Bacon, I would like to introduce you to your 'Company Buddy', Jim Macintyre", she says warmly and with a secretive smile, as if introducing Kai to the person whom he has waited for all his life to meet, and as if there is no doubt on anybody's part that this is the beginning of a long, life-altering friendship. "Jim's here to help you get oriented during your new 'Life Challenge' as a new member of our team, and in case you ever just need someone to talk to". She pouts her lips a little as she says this last part, pretending to be sad.

"They call me 'Big Jim'. Howyadoin', buddy!", the heavy man says, taking a step closer and leaning out his open hand for what becomes a sturdy handshake. As Kai smiles wordlessly in respectful response, he is suddenly pulled off-balance by Big Jim's paw and lands with a "THUD" against his "Company Buddy's" chest, where he is given a "Bro" hug.

A "Bro" hug is when two guys (usually Americans) lean their upper torsos together and pat each other roughly on the back of the shoulders, three times quickly, like a boxing referee just before saying "OK, fellas, break it up". Distinctly separate at the hips and legs the entire time, they then step apart, and there is a slightly awkward pause, as if they really aren't sure if they (two males) should in fact be hugging (in spite of having been told since the 1990's that they should be doing it), while they stand there and silently worry to themselves about whether what they just did really doesn't mean that they are in fact homosexuals.

To cover all contingencies, the "Bro" hug is sometimes approached from the side, with the two males meanwhile turning their faces away from each other and each stretching to reach a single arm around the other's shoulders, giving the requisite three quick, aggressive "MANLY PATS", and then separating, as if nothing out of the ordinary happened: emotional side expressed, but that doesn't mean I'm gay.

After completing the three hearty pats on the back of Kai's shoulders, Big Jim looks to the crowd of smiling faces (everyone is clearly satisfied with the "good feeling" that has been displayed) and says "OK, let's show this guy how we party in the USA!"

A round of "WHOO, WHOO's" and fist pumps are joined by a sole, rather self-conscious "Yee-Haaa!" as the group cleaves in two to disclose from behind them the table with a sheet cake, several giant bottles of soft drinks and big, red plastic party cups. Big Jim slings his arm around the shoulder of his "Company Buddy" and ushers him to the table. Someone cuts the first piece of cake, which has some of the exclamation point on it from the "Welcome to America Kai!" that is written in bright-red artificial icing across the red-white-and-blue surface.

Everybody takes a piece, and there is an excited flurry of chatter from the high-pitched voices, which sound as if they had all inhaled the helium from the balloons moments before. There is a lot of self-conscious mouth gaping and eyes ripping wide open to express surprise at whatever their current conversant might be telling them at the moment.

Amid the cake party, people now and then jump in spontaneously between Big Jim and Kai and take selfies with them, without any warning. Others take close-ups of themselves and their friends with the cake, and one guy takes a picture just of himself with the rubber plant. The photos are instantly posted to their social media accounts, and the friends who took the pictures together access their social media accounts on their phones to look at the same pictures of themselves, and then they interrupt the people next to them and show them the photos of themselves on their screens. It's quite a party.

In all of the flurry of action, one man, while talking with a coworker, accidentally bumps into a female coworker from behind. He suddenly turns around with a look of horror on his face and shouts "Oh, excuse me! I didn’t mean to bump into you!", loud enough for everyone to hear, his hands and forearms now raised distinctly in the air for all to see, as if trapped in an alley by a police force, as he looks around at everyone for some sort of confirmation that they recognize his innocence. Everybody stops talking and looks, evaluates the situation, and then returns to their chatter, as if nothing worthy of further action has occurred.

There are smiles and loud, squealing laughs, with mouths stretching as wide as possible, like someone preparing to stuff in a cheeseburger that might just be able to fit, with a little effort. The women are heavily layered with make-up – eye shadow, eye liner, rouge, pancake foundation – and the entire event seems like an amateur performance for a camera that everybody imagines is filming them; they laugh the moment they find a reason to justify doing so, and the laughs are big, loud laughs, with a lot of arching and plunging of the eyebrows, like when adults talk to children and exaggerate their facial expressions to get the point across.

After the initial performances, the "Corporate Ambassador" from the Human Resources department looks at her watch and says, "Well, everybody, it looks like it's time for Kai to get his first tour of his new 'Company Home'".

As they raise their plates and cake forks and all say "Bye!" in a disjointed unison, one coworker says "Bye, Kai!", and then immediately turns to her friends and repeats her discovered rhyme of "Bye, Kai!", as if the humor of it is overwhelming, and they all start screaming at each other in varying degrees in appreciative laughter, like wild creatures screeching together on a hilltop.

The "Corporate Ambassador" from the HR department laughs as she gestures to Kai that they should be leaving. She continues laughing to her colleagues as she backs herself out of the area (it is more a wide-eyed dropping of the jaw with the lips pulled back as far as possible to expose the teeth, as if she might bite at any moment, out of pure joy).

Then, she and the new worker from overseas walk down the hall to begin their tour of the premises.

"This is our 'Paris Bistro'", she says, gesturing grandly as they approach the sign above the company canteen. The sign has the requisite pictures of a baguette, an accordion and a puffy chef's hat. There is a salad bar, a few items warming in cafeteria trays, and a snack stand filled with candy bars and chips. "You'll probably feel right at home here, since you're from Europe and all".

The Human Resources "Corporate Ambassador" looks up at Kai eagerly, with wide, almost pleading eyes, wringing her hands together tightly at her chest, as if awaiting some kind of confirmation that the elegance of the establishment is as effective as intended, particularly to this authentic person from… from Almost-France.

"Charming", he offers, in an effort to be diplomatic.

Her mouth opens into a smile of relief. "We knew you'd like it", she gasps, as if it had been built just for him, when the sign was installed two years ago.

They continue on with their tour to what looks like a children's play room. There are brightly-colored beanbag chairs sagging like whipped cream here and there on the carpeted floor. There are two men playing at a foosball table; amongst the desperate banging and knocking of the game, one of the men whips his wrist suddenly and there is the hollow wooden sound of the ball banging sharply around into the goal, followed by a hard, aggressive "HAAAAA!!" by the victor, as if he has just brutally destroyed his opponent and stolen from him his last breath. There is also a pool table, as well as a juice bar and, of course, a snack machine.

This is our "Chill Zone", the Human Resources representative says. She says it with her eyes half closed, and with her hand bent flat horizontally, drawing a line in front of her from left to right, as if she is stoned. After this rendition, she laughs at Kai again.

"Is this for after work?", Kai asks.

"Oh, no no", she says, worried at the misunderstanding, "All our salaried staff members can come here at any time, and just "Chill Out"!", she says, making the gesture again, followed by the same laugh, as though she has been reading from the same script.

"We also have a laundry area, a bath with showers, and a 'Nap Zone' for sleepy heads", she chirps, bending her head onto her folded hands and closing her eyes, to perform for him her rendition of the act of napping. Then she lifts herself into a professional posture and adds, "We gratefully offer these little perks to ensure that our salaried staff members achieve a healthy and satisfying work-life balance", repeating the key words from a PowerPoint slide show presented in her department last year by the HR manager. The presentation was entitled "Employee Retention – Easy and Breezy".

What she doesn't mention to Kai today is the factoid that the employees generally work from 60 to 80 hours per week and don't have time to go home to pursue the daily luxuries of bathing, doing laundry and sleeping.

They walk along the hall between a row of white office-room doors on one side and the giant external glass wall on the other, through which – across the little triangular patch of well-manicured grass – another row of white office-doors can be seen in the other wing of the building.

As they stroll along, she asks Kai the vague, all-encompassing question of "So, what's it like to live in Europe?".

"Vat is it like? In Europe?", Kai says, wondering how he can possibly begin to respond.

After a bewildered pause, he starts by stating the population of the city in Germany where he last worked, and then he begins to list its most prominent monuments.

All the while, the "'Corporate Ambassador'" nods her head up and down, with her mouth gaping a little, saying "Uh huh… uh huh…" at evenly dispersed intervals. Her eyes are targeted unwaveringly at him as he talks, but they start to blur a little.

Kai looks at her from time to time, not entirely sure that the person who asked the question and is nodding at him is actually listening to what he is saying.

They have come some distance from the other areas that he has been shown, and from the direction in which they are heading, he starts to hear a sound of white noise. It is constant, rather high pitched, and frenetic.

As they approach, it becomes clear that the sound is composed of layer upon layer of different screams: some sharp and sudden, some long and drawn out, more like yelling. They come nearer to a doorway that is painted in bright red, blue and yellow color fields, and there is a painting of a giraffe next to the entrance. It is as if the door is pounding and flexing outwards, bulging at its hinges with the yelling and screaming from inside.

Through the glass insert in the door, Kai sees a mass of children running wildly and throwing stuffed animals and pillows around the room. Some are chasing each other, others are being chased, a few are crying, and one little girl with short, blonde hair is sitting on the floor, Indian-style, with her elbows pressed into her legs and pouting, as if the world about her has collapsed.

"That's our 'Kiddie Care'", the Human Resources "Corporate Ambassador" informs him. "We offer our salaried staff a full child care program, so that parents can be sure that their little ones are always safe and happy, even while Mommy and Daddy are hard at work" (as she says the last words, she clenches her fists and presses her facial features together, as if in parody of being hard at work, and to convey the image that, compared to what she has just shown, nobody at their company really works that hard, and so everything is therefore really just cool.

"Do you have any children who might need to enjoy the benefits of our "'Kiddie Care" services, Kai?"

The European expat bends forward and peeks through the glass once more. He sees a fat boy standing on a stool and reaching into the fish tank, trying to squeeze the fish.

"No", Kai says. "No sank you."

_____________________

At his desk a few hours later, Kai has started on his first chores in his new position. He is reading over some papers from a file folder, and then he gets up and walks down the hall to the copy room.

On his way, he passes an open door where people are gathered around a cake on a rolling metal trolley, and everybody in the room suddenly shouts "Happy Birthday!" and starts singing. The woman they are singing to turns around in her chair and opens her eyes and mouth wide in surprise. As they sing, she looks as if she is going to cry.

He walks on and reaches the copy room. He turns the corner to enter, and then stops suddenly and says, "Oh, hello. Exkoos me."

One of his coworkers from another department is at the copy machine. She is wearing thin office trousers, which look professional, but still allow the shape of her hips, buttocks and thighs to be noticeable. The sleeves of her blouse end high on her shoulders and the top button starts somewhere dangerously near her abdomen.

"Hi!", she says to the young man with the foreign accent who is standing behind her, just inside the door. She has turned her head toward him, but her body is still facing the copy machine, and she starts to lean on it a bit. "I won't be long", she says, smiling at him over her shoulders.

"That is OK", Kai says, returning the smile, and…

… a hand suddenly appears firmly on his bicep from behind, and he is pulled sharply outside of the room, as if the hand has rescued him out of a surging sea.

It is a young man whom he has never seen before. Without stopping as he continues to walk past, and without even looking at Kai, the man gestures with his head towards the woman and the copy room, and he simply states the words "lawsuit, dude", and he walks on.

Kai watches the man walk away, and then turns to the copy room, confused.

"I…I sink I vill joost come back again later", he says to the woman.

"OK, bye", she says, smiling at him attentively over her shoulder.

He smiles politely and returns to his office space.

At his desk, he notices that his upper back is starting to ache a little. It is from the air conditioning, which makes the air so cold that it has become a bit unpleasant.

He gets up and goes to the window, and he looks all around the edges of it for a fixture of some kind, whereby he can open the window to "warm down" a little.

Finding none, he starts to push at the glass lightly, trying to budge it.

"Wassup?", asks one of his colleagues.

"Oh, it is a bit cool for me. I wanted to open a window, to get zzum fresh air."

"The windows don't open", his coworker says, "They're made of a special bullet-proof glass".

Kai's eyes open suddenly.

"But don't worry 'bout it, man", his coworker adds. "The indoor climate is controlled to ensure perfect ambient conditions." It's a quotation from another PowerPoint slide show.

Kai looks at the window. There is a fly buzzing about frantically in the bottom corner, smashing its body against the clear glass pane in a desperate and futile effort to escape. Just across from the fly, on the counter, there is a little American flag protruding from a stand. On the stand, there are the words "Born Free!" in thick, gold-painted lettering.

"But yad betta get yer junk off the window sill, there", the man gestures to Kai's stapler and pen dispenser. "The shades open and close automatically with the sun."

Kai looks perplexedly at his coworker, then just as perplexedly at the vertical louvered window shades.

"I see", he says, and then "Sank you", as he smiles to his coworker.

He moves his things to his desk, makes a mental note to always bring a sweater to the office from now on, and then returns to his work.

After a while, he looks up to see someone smiling warmly as she enters and brings a baby to one of the women who is working at another desk across the room. The seated woman smiles as she takes the baby, and the ladies chat as the mother at the desk opens her shirt, cups her hand to lift out her breast, and starts to breast-feed her child.

Kai keeps looking: at the child's mouth, at the woman's beast that rhythmically disappears into and reappears from it, and at the two women as they chat casually.

After a few moments, the woman who has brought in the baby looks fixedly and rather sternly at Kai. Noticing that he has inadvertently been staring at them, he recoils a bit, smiles to them, and returns to his computer screen.

The women continue chatting.

After a while, from the corner of his eye, the German expatriate sees the contented child being removed from the woman's arms. The mother wipes her breast with a cloth and closes her blouse, but not before a drop of milk falls onto the business documents in front of her.

'I wonder if that makes the ink run', Kai wonders to himself, being sure not to look directly at her. 'I hope it is nothing important.'

_____________________

After a few hours, feeling a bit light headed from his work, Kai gets up from his desk and goes down the hall to a snack machine.

The chocolate bars are all filled with one sort of gooey mixture or another, and the bright designs on the packaging all make it look like the chocolate bars are about to explode. The chocolate is all pale milk chocolate; there is no selection that contains the rich, dark chocolate that Kai always ate back in Germany.

"You ready, dude? I'm starving", says a voice behind him. It's a man about his age.

"Oh, go ahead", says Kai, gesturing a clear path to the machine. "I cannot make up my mind."

"Know what ya' mean… it all looks good", says the man. He shoves a coin into the machine and pushes the button for his selection, and after the coin lands inside, one of the chewy chocolate bars makes a "BUNK" sound as it lands in the dispenser.

As soon as he takes the chocolate out, the man rips the wrapper open and chomps into it, eating half of it at one time as he stands there and leans against the machine.

"I'm soooo hungry", he says out loud.

Kai looks at the chocolate bar and at the man chewing and says "I know vat you mean."

The man suddenly stands upright, wipes his right hand back and forth on the front of his shirt, and sticks it out to Kai and says, "Hi, I'm Zack".

Kai smiles and shakes his hand, "Hi… Sack? I'm Kai."

"It's Zack, short for Z-z-zackary", and he wiggles his head back and forth on his neck, as if pretending a very serious person is saying something very important.

"Oh, hello Zack. It is nice to meet you."

"Me too, man. What's yer name again? Kite?"

"Kai, and it is not short for anysing, I am afraid".

"That's cool", Zack says.

At the mentioning of the word "cool", Kai remembers his upper back and the air conditioning.

The American is so casual and friendly, though, that his German colleague can't help but feeling relaxed and welcome.

"What is your department?", Kai asks.

"Oh, I'm a contractor," Zack says, looking away.

"A contractor?", Kai repeats. "Do you work in the legal department?"

"No!", Zack says, laughing easily. "I'm on contract here. I don't have a regular job. I get a contract for three months, and if I don't burn the place down, they might gimme another contract after that one."

"Oh", says Kai, suddenly becoming aware of the financial predicament the other man is in.

"Yea. I'm on my second contract so far. After a year, they might give ya' a 'Bronze' contract. That's for six months."

"Well, that is better than three months", Kai says, with a look of empathy for his colleague.

"Yea. Or they might not gimme anything at all", Zack says, raising his eyebrows. "But I'm doin' alright", he suddenly adds, waxing optimistic. "I drive for Lyft on the weekends, and between that and rentin' out the other room in my apartment on Airbnb, I can get by."

Kai pauses, trying to say something kind to this man who seems to be living so close to the edge, in spite of working with him in this international company.

"Maybe zey will hire you here full time in de future", Kai says.

Zack breathes deeply and looks out down the hallway into the distance. "Prob'ly not. But no sweat. I just work here for my candy money!", he says, raising the candy bar as he takes a last chomp of it. Then, he throws the empty wrapper into the garbage pail and wipes his hands together, as though he is through with it. He looks at Kai and has a big smile on his face, in spite of the story he has just told.

"Well, it was great talkin' to ya', man… Kai, right?"

"Exactly. Kai. And you're Zack, for Zackary."

"Excellent!", and Zack raises his hand for a high five.

Kai pauses, and then slowly raises his hand to meet the other, and Zack gives his a hearty "SMACK" and says "Al-ri-i-i-ight".

Zack looks like he wants to say more, but as if he doesn't know how to go about it, so he says "Well, I gotta get back to work. I don't want this place to fall apart without me! See ya, Kai."

"See you, Zack! Have a good day", the German expat says, and he watches the young man disappear down the hall.

Then, Kai turns to the snack machine, selects a little bag of pretzels, and walks slowly back to his open-plan room where his desk is, remembering what Zack told him.

'Three months', he thinks to himself.

After he has been working at his computer for a while, the woman from the Human Resources office who had given him his tour of the building enters the room with a file in her hands.

"Hi, Kai. As your 'Corporate Ambassador', I just wanted ta' come by and see how it's goin'. So… howzitgoin'?".

"Oh, very well, sank you. I had a pleasant chat with Zack a little while ago."

The woman's face starts to show signs of underlying disturbance.

"Zackary?"

"Yes, Zackary", Kai says, smiling at the recollection of the pleasant encounter.

"Ri-i-i-ight", the "'Corporate Ambassador'" says, looking down. Then she perks up, as if ready to recite her next loop of corporate jargon.

"Zackary is one of our 'Visiting Staff' members. He doesn't have a regular contract, like you and me", and she smiles to Kai and leans a little closer to him as she says this, as if sharing a secret bond with him.

"Actually", Kai says, "he said that he vas a contract worker."

The HR rep looks a little frustrated, but retains her composure and her corporate persona as she explains the situation as cautiously and professionally as she can.

"Our industry has a fluctuating demand, and to ensure that we are able to meet our client's requirements at all times, we occasionally secure the services of ancillary service providers", she says.

Kai nods as he listens, and she sees that she has to go further.

"The ancillary staff are not entitled to the same perks that we offer our salaried staff, like you, Kai", she says, a wide, open-mouthed smile suddenly blossoming between her jangling ear-rings.

Kai is still listening, so she tries to get to the point.

"Most of our full-time workers prefer to socialize with their full-time colleagues. They seem to think that they have more in common," and she smiles again at the nice idea of people having things in common.

"I see", Kai says, and smiles politely to her.

"Hey, buddy!"

It's Big Jim Macintyre.

"You're not trying to steal this guy away to another department, are you?", Big Jim says with playful sternness to the HR representative. "He's doing a great job so far!", and he smiles at Kai, who smiles back at the compliment.

"No, no!", she says. "Kai's staying right where he is. Don't you worry about that."

"Great! We're just starting up a project with a major air defense client, and we need Kai to help us protect the greatest country in the word!", Big Jim says, beaming with pride.

"Where is that?", Kai asks innocently.

The two people standing at his desk frown as they look down at him.

"Oh!", Kai says. "Of course!".

And his shoulders twitch suddenly as a light, mechanical "Whirr" sounds behind him. It's the vertical louvers of the shade, as they start to automatically extend across the window to block out the bright sun.

1 Kai's hometown of Rucklingsdorf is the subject of another book, which is available in English under the title Rucklingsdorf - An American Surrounded by Germans and in German under the title Rucklingsdorf - Ein Amerikaner von Deutschen umzingelt, both of which are available as eBooks and paperbacks.

The Comforts of Home

On his first Saturday in America, Kai Regenbogen has been invited to the home of his "Company Buddy", Big Jim Macintyre.

"How'd ya' like ta' come by tomorrow afternoon and see how real Americans live, right up close and personal?", is the way Big Jim phrased the invitation the day before in the office. He had a big smile on his face, and he was already leaning forward a bit, ready to give Kai a slap on the back of the shoulders and flood him with a hearty "Yeee-aaaaa!" right after the acceptance, which is exactly what followed.

While the invitation is not exactly required by "Corporate Policy", it is mentioned near the top of the list in the "Good Ideas!" memo that is sent when a worker is about to begin upon his "new journey" of being a "Company Buddy" (and that "journey" definitely looks good on one's record when bonuses are discussed in the "Employee Review" each year).

As Kai pulls up to the curb on Saturday in his moderately-sized green hybrid, he sees Big Jim out on the front lawn. Jim is wearing shorts that go half-way down his legs, his T-shirt hanging loose over his stomach, and he is tugging at a garden hose, scowling defiantly at the place where it is caught on one of the stepping stones that lead around the house.

As Kai closes his car door and walks up the driveway, Big Jim's contracted facial features suddenly morph into those of a welcoming party host, his eyes expanding and his mouth opening wide, like a thick toad trying to catch flies.

"Hey, dude! You made it!", as if a great challenge has been overcome and Kai's great times are only now about to begin.

Jim throws down the loops of the garden hose. It's a complicated release, like freeing one's fingers from molasses, and he frowns angrily at the adversarial hose once again until he is free of its insolent grasp.

"Welcome to my castle!", Big Jim says, putting his arm around his guest's shoulder and walking with him to the front door (Jim had been sweating a bit from the garden work, and Kai can feel it through his shirt).

It's a somewhat large house, or rather, it's laid out to look somewhat larger than it actually is: there are various rooms, piled one upon the other like boxes, with some protruding forward and some recessed, like the contours of a fat woman in a thin dress.

Kai tries to place the architectural style in his mind: supporting the overhang above the front entrance with its Antebellum flair, there is a simplified version of two classic Greek columns, with swirling rococo decorations at the base and head, as well as gothic ornamentation around the windows. It looks like a "Greatest Hits" pop collection of architectural history.

"Did you design the house?", Kai asks tentatively.

"No, it was built when the rest of the development was put in", Jim says. "But it's a beaut, ain't it?"

The German expat isn't sure whether the house is actually "abeut" or not "abeut", so he looks at the foundation to check that it's level, and then he says, "Yes, it seems to be."

Big Jim releases the hearty laugh that he had been holding in for whatever response would come.

As they come closer to the front door, Kai notices a discolored patch on one of the columns. Seeing his guest notice the flaw, Big Jim says, "Oh, that's just a little accident we had here a while back."