What Children Want E-Book

Sabine Brandt

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Seitenzahl: 71

Beschreibung

‘Parents aren‘t perfect’. Understanding this as a child is a part of growing up. Passing it on to one’s children is part of what it means to be a parent. As a parent, you often realise late in life what you could or should have done differently in raising your children. Perhaps only when your own children are grown up and confront you with your own behaviour, with questions or criticism about parenting. In this book, Sabine Brandt would like to show young people and parents-to-be what they can pass on to their children. It is simple things like unconditional love and a place where they can feel safe and cared for. These feelings can only be passed on if they have been experienced in the same way. After reflecting on her own childhood and an honest exchange within the family, she is convinced that this is possible.

Leseprobe

ABOUT MYSELF

I was born in Zurich on 22 October 1964. I spent the first 20 years of my life in the Zurich lowlands. Then I moved to the city and later to beautiful Lake Zurich. Alongside professional challenges, I constantly tried to be a perfect mother, wife and housewife. But it was not possible to reconcile everything. Most of you will experience this at some point. Today I am not perfect, but authentic, honest and above all happy. Happy, among other things, because I now have the serenity not to want to be perfect any more. This has given me the space to look back on the last almost 25 years. With the experiences I have had as a mother on the one hand and as a woman on the other, I believe I have done many things right in my life. But as my children have grown from babies to young adults, I also see some things that I would do differently today.

INHALT

Foreword

The essence of being a parent

It all comes back to you

Setting an example and letting experience happen

A small mental leap …

Honesty

Love and self-love

Time, perhaps the most important gift of all

Being consistent, or battling for victory and defeat

Encouragement or expectation?

Competition between siblings

Letting them go

What if you can’t go on?

Afterword

Some thoughts of young adults

FOREWORD

I am the mother of two wonderful children, a daughter (23) and a son (20), who both still live with me. A good three years ago, my ex-husband – also the father of the children – and I separated. Fortunately, despite some difficulties, we have managed to find a way forward that works for all of us and today we have a very friendly and respectful relationship with each other (see my book Trennung mit Herz – von Akzeptanz bis Zukunft [Separation with Heart – from Acceptance to Zero hour], www.sabinebrandt.ch). We will always remain a family!

Then I am also an aunt to many nieces and nephews, some of whom are already parents themselves. So I am surrounded by young people in my family as well as in my job, and I am always interested in what makes ‘children’ of all ages tick. What they think and feel, what they laugh or cry about. And how young parents pass on their childhood experiences or try to break through patterns.

As a mother or father, you always want the best for your children. But there are many moments when self-doubt and insecurity follow you through the day. There may be extreme life situations, illnesses, deaths or separations and thus phases where you feel you cannot care enough for your children because your own problems absorb you.

But above all, you don’t know what it actually means to become or to be a mother or father. Besides the responsibility you take on for a human being – emotionally you remain a parent for the rest of your life – you are confronted with feelings and situations you never knew before. You can be overflowing with love, happiness and gratitude, but you can also reach your physical and psychological limits. Parenthood, with all its ups and downs, is something you can only learn on the job.

The biggest personal change I experienced when I became a mother was my emotional permeability, which suddenly became a part of me. It made me vulnerable, and I had to come to terms with that. Suddenly you discover sides of yourself that completely overwhelm you, like a new part of you that you just have to accept and embrace.

Looking back, I would do a few things differently in bringing up my children. But I also know that I did what I thought was best. And when I look at them today, I know that I did at least get some things right.

I am absolutely against wrapping children in cotton wool. Without guidelines or rules, children feel overwhelmed and lost. But I cannot say yes to a rigid and draconian style of upbringing either. If rigid limits are set and the children don’t understand why, these limits are likely to be violated. Likewise, it is impossible to bring up all the children in a family in exactly the same way. It is much more important to know exactly what you want to pass on to the children: what values, strengths and skills. It really is a major and very challenging task to have children and to bring them up. Nevertheless, parents should not let themselves be taken over by it completely. For this very reason, I am still convinced that it does no harm to the children if both parents work and they are partly looked after by others – always provided that things are well organised.

I have fond memories of my own childhood that make me feel exactly what I would like to pass on to my children in turn. When I left home, my older brothers and I were often invited to our parents’ house for dinner on Sunday evenings. It was a homecoming full of warmth and security, even stronger than when we still lived there. Everything had been got ready, we were spoiled and their time belonged to us. Today, when I visit my 93-year-old mother, it is often still like that: that cosy, familiar feeling of being looked after. And that’s exactly what I want to be able to put into practice with my children when we no longer live under the same roof: a warm and loving relationship, a joy in each other’s company and an interested and honest togetherness.

But unfortunately, as we all know, the conditions are not always right for childhood to unfold in a loving and healthy home – this in an area where you are supposed to get the necessary soft skills for your future life.

So what do children really need? Besides a nice home, warm clothes and a few toys? Actually, they are simply things that everyone wants and that everyone can give, whether they are young or old. I call them ‘things of the heart’ – like affection, attention, love, security, honesty. The order does not matter here. In exchanges with my own children, my nieces and nephews and young adult friends, I have learned a lot that I would have liked to have known earlier. To ensure that these insights and experiences are not lost, I would like to pass them on to you and perhaps you can pass them on to your children. I hope that at the end of the book you will be glad you have read it. Not so much as a guidebook, but more as a report on the experiences of a mum who is very proud of her two children and therefore also a little bit proud of herself. Maybe, whatever your fears and doubts, you will sometimes recognise yourself in it too.

THE ESSENCE OF BEING A PARENT

Being a parent means living by new rules and being willing to invest a lot of time. If you can manage that, you will be rewarded with the most beautiful life experience ever.

Every couple who decide to become parents will try to master this task to the best of their knowledge and ability. But the know-how, and above all the feeling for being a parent can only be acquired on the job. Everything you read and hear about it can support you on your way, both individually and as a family, but it can also make you feel incredibly insecure. Every child, every adult and therefore every family is individual and unique, and so is the development of every single family member. No matter how well you prepare for your role, you don’t know what becoming and being a parent will do to you. This can start with problems during pregnancy, hormones or sudden fears about the time to come and the responsibility. These