What’s Love Got to Do With It? E-Book

John Parr

• Herausgeber: Emotional Assertiveness Institute
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

What’s Love Got to Do With It is a captivating exploration of how love is vital to survival and well-being. Love is much more than just a feeling. It’s a complex combination of emotions, behaviors, and biological drives that play an integral role in our relationships, mental health, and physical health.
Drawing on a range of personal experiences, scientific research, and practical exercises, this book reveals the incredible power of love and how it impacts our lives in ways we may not even realise. You’ll discover how love is essential for building strong relationships, overcoming trauma, and achieving personal growth.
Whether you’re struggling to connect with others or simply seeking to deepen your existing relationships,  What’s Love Got to Do With It provides invaluable insights and tools to help you nurture a deeper sense of connection and fulfillment in your life. So, if you want to unlock the transformative power of love, this book is for you.

Leseprobe

Praise for John Parr and What’s Love Got to Do With It?

“A few years ago, I came across this training in Emotional Assertiveness that I hoped would give me the answers that so many previous trainings had not. Usually, I found myself in a quandary on how to apply the new knowledge I had gained into the two main areas of my life: my personal relationships and my professional relationships as a leader of a team and educator of primary-aged children. This is where I found John Parr, and I can say my life began to change. My understanding of emotions and ability to be authentic in relationships grew as I developed skills in having genuine, trusting conversations and in supporting students to understand their emotions and determine strategies to self-regulate, build self-awareness and nurture positive peer relationships.

“In my personal life, I now understand that I had been spending my life wanting to be loved. This came from deep rooted childhood experiences. When I met my husband, with whom I have been in a loving relationship since I was 18, I tried to push him away to prove to myself that I was as unlovable as I had been taught to believe. He proved me wrong, and thankfully we are still together in a relationship that continues to grow with love.

“In my professional role as a leader and an educator of primary-aged students, I have seen many students struggling to not only love themselves but to accept love, in its many forms, from others around them. This has been increasing after the events of the past five years; here in NSW, Australia, our kids have experienced fires, floods, and COVID, on top of the usual cards that life deals in a regular lifetime. Our children are hurting and need to feel empathy, understanding and love.

“This is where John comes; his approach combines his understanding of emotions and an amazing ability to share his knowledge, in a manner that is clear, approachable, and workable for anyone who is willing to join in his conversation. I have gained so much from John Parr and his model of Emotional Assertiveness. I have learned, through John’s teaching, that love has got a lot to do with it, and I appreciate the friendship that has grown by having many a conversation with John.”

—Mrs. Deanie Nicholls, B.Ed. and Emotional Assertiveness Trainer

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Harnessing the Power of Love in Your Relationships

By John Parr, MSc

Additional material from Julie Guest and Kristina Shea

Copyright © 2023 John Parr, MSc

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior permission of the publisher.

Published by: Emotional Assertiveness International Ltd

Cover artwork and design by Tina Scahill

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-947635-60-9

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-947635-61-6

To my dear wife Carmen, my family, friends and colleagues, who are my sources of inspiration. You all contribute to my love bank. Also, to those I have loved and lost, and from whom I have learned valuable lessons.

Acknowledgments

Many of my friends and colleagues have stimulated and encouraged me in the development of this book. My first debt of gratitude goes to Julie Guest, who immediately offered to co-author material that applied to her psychotherapy journey that led to self-healing from Crohn’s disease. Julie contacted me and spoke of her therapeutic journey as a “love story” and it fitted so well into the subject of this book I gratefully accepted her offer. Thanks Julie, you are loved and appreciated.

My Transactional Analysis trainer and supervisor, Juliette Pollitze, with whose guidance I learned to love myself and value my skills.

My colleague, emotional assertiveness trainer and friend Kristina Shea, in the USA, offered to contribute the chapter “Love: A Character Strength That Can Be Cultivated in Us All.” Kristina is a powerhouse of enthusiasm and drive, and I happily accepted her offer. She has been a great support.

My dear friend and colleague Nicole Heimann has also offered much enthusiasm and encouragement. Nicole suggested she write a chapter on the role of love in management. I thought this topic to be worth a separate book, so this will be a project for us both in the future.

My wife and youngest son Andrew both constantly encouraged me and offered recognition as daily I added words to the book. Their love and support were energising and provided motivation for me to just get on and do it. My son was also amazing with his mathematical mind. When I was wrestling to develop a pictorial method of showing relationship equations, he helped me develop the graph with x and y axes. Andrew, I am proud of you, even if you find me saying that cringey.

Once again, Liz Chye in Australia has been there for me. She not only edits and corrects typos for me, but she is also an inspiration. Liz consistently demonstrates love. Thanks Liz.

Thanks also to Kirsty Young, who graciously granted her permission to use her name where I needed an example of simple erotic attraction. I thought it only proper to give her the option around such a sensitive subject.

Preface

“Love is a many-splendored thing,” goes the opening line of a popular song from 1955. The song was the theme tune from a film of the same name starring William Holden and Jennifer Jones. Love indeed has a magnificent effect and calling it splendored draws our attention to our experience of love at its best. However, is love a whirlwind of romance, joy, and excitement, or is this simply a romantic notion about the rainbow’s end we are doomed to seek after and never find? After all, we also hear people telling us of the pain they experience when they are in love. Songs such as “Love Hurts”1. Where is the splendour there? Or Aerosmith’s “Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees2)”. If we take music as our reference point, there are way more songs about the pain people experience linked to love than the pleasure.

And what is love, anyhow? What does the word mean? What is our experience of love? We fall in love, we are in love, we feel comforted by love, and we fall out of love. How come some are enthralled by love, whilst others seem to struggle to find and keep it? These questions have so far only covered love as in deep romantic relationships, what about the love we feel for children, family, and friends? In Chapter 1, I discuss this and offer my thoughts on the topic.

My aim is to provide an effective detector to equip us with not only the capacity to notice the landmines and booby traps, but to do a work of mine-clearance. It is also to look at love that is satisfying and durable, the love that endures and encourages lovers to work through the idealised views of the early days, to gain deep and abiding love. I invite you to probe beyond notions of romantic love and discover how you can develop love in its fullest sense in as many relationships as possible. That is, to envision how relationships that were previously merely loose friendships can include more empathy and understanding through random acts of love towards our fellow men and women. I believe that when we open ourselves to be more loving, we will receive more love in our lives. As the Beatles sing at the end of the Abbey Road album, “And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.”3 Sadly, I see more and more examples of love that are almost entirely based upon sexual attraction, plus an inflated sense of entitlement. This is more about ‘what is in it for me?’ (The love we can take), than ‘how do we give and take, and how do we honour each other in this relationship?’. In Western philosophy these days, we seem to be overdoing the concept of human rights and underdoing the concept of human responsibility and accountability. This emphasis puts a strain on the capacity to love in a healthy way and points us towards relationship disasters. I see this not only at the interpersonal level but also at the international level regarding how nations relate to other nations. International relationships are simply an extension of interpersonal relationships. Countries do not relate to each other, people do.

With objectives such as showing empathy, compassion, and respect, we can, in my opinion, begin to have reciprocity and healthy bonds and attachment. Where there is empathy, there is love, and we will see what that looks like when we explore the deeper aspects of the nature of love. Eventually, perhaps we can aspire to be open to give universal love, that love which embraces creation, so we have a love for everyone and everything, including our planet.

We will therefore visit all forms of healthy love: erotic love, the kind of love that involves deep commitment, the love we have for our children, an exploration of the love we have for ourselves, and the love we have for our friends. We may even discover the love we can have for our enemies.

I am also going to cover nostalgic love, idealised love, and the fear of love. We see some reference to nostalgia in the song, “In My Life I Love You More” by the Beatles.4

I will also make comments on, “The love that dare not speak its name” the last line of the poem “Two Loves”5 This is generally accepted to be a reference to homosexuality, a relationship illegal at the time the poem was written. The author was Oscar Wilde’s lover, Lord Alfred Douglas. Eventually, Douglas’s father brought charges against Wilde who served time in Reading Gaol as a result. The harshness of the prison routine of hard labour, eventually broke Wilde’s spirit. The history of persecution of homosexuals in the UK is not one to be proud of. Another example of a huge intellect being destroyed by the laws against homosexuality is Alan Turing. Turing cracked the German Enigma code, an achievement that saved the lives of many seamen and kept the Atlantic convoys safe from U Boats. After the war he was arrested for homosexuality and punished by chemical castration. This led to him experiencing psychological distress and he died aged 41 possibly by suicide by poisoning. Such harshness towards people for their sexual preferences shows that, around love, we humans seem to become quite confused. Even in today’s more enlightened climate, many homosexuals still struggle against prejudice and public shaming. We see that with love, our choices can be subject to public and legal scrutiny. Who makes the decisions? How are the laws and rules enforced? Where to draw the lines? Such questions need to be regularly asked and reviewed.

Love is a vast topic and I seriously doubt I will cover the entire spectrum of emotion, thought, belief, experience, and wisdom there is on the subject. I am also sure that those with different cultural, religious, and psychological backgrounds will take exception to some of my conclusions. This is OK for me, and I am open to learn from you, my readers. Who knows, that could also prompt other books—that would be delightful. I hope to cover the topic without preaching, judging, or making sweeping generalisations, although at times, for the sake of brevity, I may use some generalised terms. I trust you will accept these in the spirit intended. I want to be as inclusive as possible, allowing for the multi-layered reality that is the human experience of love. I will occasionally refer to the Bible, as this source of wisdom goes back two millennia for the New Testament and well over six millennia for the Old Testament. I do this not to preach, nor to seek to proselytise, but to show my thinking is hardly new or unique. Humanity has been considering the things I share here for a very long time. I admit to being a believer, and have been since 1968, and the decision to believe is the root of my desire to take up an occupation where I could offer service and support to others. From a career as an electronic engineer in the Royal Navy, I went on to work serving others in need, not by looking to rescue them, but to be available to them as a resource when they wanted support to find their way.

Love is important to me; it clearly is to songwriters too. I have found many songs all titled, “Love Makes The World Go Round” all with different words depending upon what the composers wanted to say about it. Therefore, I won’t point you to any single lyricist for that title, but suggest you google lyrics for “Love Makes The World Go Round’. You will find songs with this title by Perry Como, The Everly Brothers, Deon Jackson, and Madonna, to name a few.

I will also touch upon forms of love I consider unhealthy, such as love that seeks to prove very negative self-beliefs or is born out of traumas from childhood. However, these forms of love will not be my focus and it is my intention to illustrate more of the positive aspects of love, those forms that make being human worthwhile. Let us now take time to ponder upon the meaning of this much used, little understood word.

In this book, I frequently mention life partnerships and friendships. I will also examine how it may be for those people who struggle with relationship and attachment, either by simply not wanting attachment, or who want it, but find it elusive. However, wherever you stand in respect of love, I hope you will find information and ideas here that will be interesting, useful, or challenging. Irrespective of any impact you notice when reading this book, I trust you will experience that my motive is born out of love for people. There is no way I wish to express prejudice, judgement, or contempt. I hope to communicate acceptance, unconditional positive regard, and inclusivity. As is my style, I will include personal reflections and experiences. There will also be therapeutic examples drawn from real life. I hope you can use these to understand where I am coming from and to make sense of the points I raise. There are also some exercises for those who like to personalise their experience. Please feel free to skip them if this is not for you. If you know yourself to be in a bad space at this moment in your life, use caution before doing the exercises, and do not expose yourself to unnecessary discomfort. There will always be time in the future when life is not so fraught to come back and do them if you wish.

I trust these reflections will encourage you to look closely at the intricate tapestry of emotion, thought and behaviour that is love. In some sections where the different forms of love are described, I see overlaps, and in these cases I will do my best to show that sometimes the different categories are separated with only fine lines.

Healthy experiences and expressions of love are essential to happiness. This is a central theme in my work on Emotional Assertiveness6 as is the hypothesis that happiness is our core homeostatic emotion. Happiness is not a luxury, it is our birth right and so it is for love, A new-born baby does not have to do anything to deserve to be loved, it is simply loveable.

I propose that just as sensations such as pain, give us information about ailments in our physical body, and serve to prompt us to take action to assist it to heal, emotions provide information regarding our psychological wellbeing to steer us towards emotional healing and happiness. I conclude that our bodies are ‘designed’ to self-heal and similarly our mental and psychological condition is also designed to find self-healing. All our emotions are utilised in the management of our interpersonal relationships and love involves all our emotions. Therefore, love calls for emotional intelligence and the ability to share emotions with our loved ones and when we do this effectively we experience joy. It is my hope that in this book, you will find some helpful ideas and tools to share an increase of love and joy in your relationships.

I invite you all to achieve enhanced satisfaction from your personal relationships, irrespective of how, in the final analysis, you see love.

So, “If music be the food of love, play on.”7

1. The Everly Brothers, composed by Boudleaux Bryant. For the lyrics, see https://genius.com/The-everly-brothers-love-hurts-lyrics

2. Aerosmith, composed by Anthony Joseph Perry / Glen Ballard / Steven Tallarico. For lyrics see https://genius.com/Aerosmith-falling-in-love-is-hard-on-the-knees-lyrics

3. The Beatles, Abbey Road album, Lennon and McCartney 1969, Apple Records. This is thought to be the last song the Beatles wrote and played together. The words of the song, “The End,” were McCartney’s.

4. For the lyrics to In my life see https://genius.com/The-beatles-in-my-life-lyrics

5. Lord Alfred Douglas, written in September 1892 and published in the Oxford magazine The Chameleon December 1894.

6. See my book Fore-play, Fair-play and Foul-play, page 95.

7. Quote from “Twelfth Night” William Shakespeare, first performed February 1602.

Table 1: Relationship symbols

The symbol expresses the dimensions of respect and power within a relationship.

Healthy: We each attribute the other as having equal value. This does not mean we are the same, but we are different from the other, yet of equal value. This is a healthy, respectful partnership.More or less healthy: There are areas where there are minor inequalities, but they are not significant enough to put an undue strain on the relationship. We can live with this and over time may iron out the discrepancies, especially where there is goodwill.I am not as valuable or important as you: I devalue myself. This can have damaging long-term effects that will put a strain upon the relationship and is fundamentally unhealthy. I disrespect myself. Therefore, outside of my awareness, I disrespect the other. I do not believe they are open to equality. By depreciating myself, I act as a victim. This is also unhealthy for the relationship.I am more important or of more value than you: I over value myself and devalue the other. This will also place a strain upon the relationship. By overestimating my importance, I act disrespectfully to the other and am likely to act as the persecutor. This is also unhealthy for the relationship.There is no relationship: This is often the outcome achieved when living in the two unhealthy states. After prolonged, unproductive conflict, relationships struggle and one or the other or both want out.

LOVE. If you had not thought about it until now, I hope you notice the complexity of this four-letter word. I also trust you see why I say love is not an emotion. We do not feel love, we live love, we think love, we embrace love, and we may even come to curse love, usually when the love we thought we had was not based on equality and respect.

The second component is establishing, maintaining, and respecting boundaries. It sounds simple enough, however, the problem with boundaries is that by and large, they are invisible. I know where my boundaries are, what my limits are, my areas of openness and my no-go areas. Unless I speak about them, others do not know where my limits are. It is in the unknown areas where we hold different views of reality, different value systems, have our own take on how things should be done around here, etc., that the relationship minefields exist. For example, I am fine with a non-invasive touch. If someone hugs me, I usually accept it, and I often like it. When I do not feel comfortable, I can say so in a non-threatening way. I cannot, however, assume all my friends and acquaintances take the same view. For some, touch is much more intimate and private than for others. Short of wearing a badge that says “I hug” or “I am not comfortable with touch”, others have no way of knowing unless we tell them. This is also complicated by the reality that not all people hug with innocent and caring intentions. For some, it is intended as an invasion, a manipulation or even a power play.

So, who is responsible for respecting and managing my personal boundaries and limits? Only one person can do that, and it is me. If someone unwittingly crosses my boundary, I can respectfully point this out. It is not an opportunity for catching the other doing something wrong; it is simply an opportunity to allow others to have more knowledge of what is important to me. My grandmother taught me that “good fences, makes for good neighbours.” In other words, the best relationships are those with good boundaries, and where we respect the boundaries we each set. This means that to be in a loving, respectful relationship, we need to be clear about boundaries and to be open to hear when others tell us where their boundaries are placed.

There are some socially defined limits and boundaries, and touch is one of those areas. However, because of the tendency for abusers to frequently overstep the limits, these social boundaries are becoming excessively restrictive. It seems to be a part of human nature to make rules where we see issues with boundaries. I believe that in the interest of protecting people from abuse, we may be inadvertently deskilling and disempowering the very people we hope to support. I am in favour of empowerment over rescuing those we perceive to be victims, or persecuting those we perceive to be abusers. In order to achieve a healthy balance, based upon mutual respect, I would introduce the topic of boundaries, respect, and personal empowerment into the national curriculum. Teaching this in schools would be an important way to encourage people to take a stand and maintain their own boundaries. In the context of relationship, I encourage people to know their limits, set their boundaries by discussion and openness and to unashamedly allow yourself to be you. Your boundaries and limits are OK by me. It is good for us to be different and to find ways to respect each other and get along. When we are clear about boundaries, we can permit ourselves to be more open and relaxed. This allows us the freedom to build healthy, respectful, and loving relationships that are both personal and professional.

I rest my case for the argument that love is not an emotion but describes how we connect with our families, our friends, our workmates, our enemies and our environment. It also defines how we connect with ourselves. With love at the core of our being, we have the room and the energy to experience a zest for life. We look for the best, whilst being prepared to manage situations where others do not hold to the same basic premise, i.e. that there is good in everything and everyone.

Does this philosophy mean I must be a pacifist? No, it does not. We may have to deal with raw aggression, and at such times, the love of self becomes the guiding principle. Self-defence is a human right and the use of appropriate force when attacked is enshrouded in British law. The ultimate disrespect is to violate someone by showing behaviours based upon an abuse of power. Should one be subjected to this, we need to be able to defend ourselves, and the guiding principle is always to use no more force than is necessary. In my philosophy for life, any action one can take to avoid being violated is acceptable, including running away, attempting to negotiate, asking others for help, etc.

Once again, we find our bedrock is self-love; by loving myself and respecting myself, I develop self-confidence. From this position, when I operate respectfully, I invite others to join in finding a healthy connection with me. When we show self-confidence, it is rare for others to aggress against us. By calmly and respectfully using our verbal coping skills, we can usually find ways to reach conflict resolution.