What's Stopping You? E-Book

Robert Kelsey

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 383

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2012

Beschreibung

A practical guide to attacking the most common of phobias: fear of failure

A practical guide to attacking the most common of phobias: fear of failure Since its publication in 2011, What's Stopping You? has offered readers a hard look at the quality of their careers and personal lives. For those who'd give themselves a solid "C+", this brutally honest guide to taking stock also offers the keys to self-improvement. By dismantling the fear inhibiting all achievement—fear of failure—author Robert Kelsey offers a set of seven steps designed to help readers map out their actions, and attain what once seemed elusive milestones.

Written for the frustrated underachiever or anyone who feels like one, this unique book addresses can the real obstacles hindering both professional and personal growth.

• Includes a new chapter with tactics for overcoming a fear of failure
• Explores methods for dealing with different types of people in a host of situations, such as getting a new job, pitching for new work, making presentations, or communicating clearly in an argument

With a Foreword by one of Britain's most successful businessman, Luke Johnson, this unique handbook to overcoming the most basic of fears is a must for anyone who would like to upgrade the quality of their life.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Cover

ENDORSEMENTS

Title page

Copyright page

DEDICATION

PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION

FOREWORD BY LUKE JOHNSON

INTRODUCTION

Fear of failure

The monkey on my back

A practitioner in failure

An addiction to self-help

PART ONE: What is Stopping You?

1 FEAR

Blind to office politics

Emotions and their role in survival

Impaired mental capacity

Experiments in emotional manipulation

Task perseverance, task avoidance

Mastery or ego orientation

Self-help books aimed at High-FFs

Dream fulfilment is a false promise

Avoidance behaviours

“Attribution theory” and the “locus of control”

2 EXTERNAL RESPONSES

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Daniel Goleman and high EQ

High-FFs are capable of emotional intelligence

Getting on top of our external responses

Anger as concealment and control

Frustration and anxiety

Depression is a thief

Taking responsibility

Focus on the present and future

3 FAILURE AS A POSITIVE EXPERIENCE

Failure is a question of interpretation

The link with low self-esteem

Reframing failure

Depersonalizing failure

Company failure is a transformed concept

“Fail better”

4 PRODUCING BETTER RESPONSES

Cognitive behavioural therapy

Start a diary

PART TWO: Goals

5 ACT

Circle of influence

Goals are a major differentiator

The grey zone

Avoiding avoidance goals

Setting the right goals

6 VISUALIZATION

NLP needs tempering

Visualization of goals

Parcelling up the 10-year goals

Lurid fantasies

Picking the right jungle

The Character Ethic

The principles come first

Our own constitution

A dynamic towards appropriate goal setting

Goal-setting may take several goes

7 LANGUAGE AND BEHAVIOUR

Write down your goals

Behave as if we are already there

Positive self-talk

Pre- and post-visualization exercises

The Reticular Activating System – our “antennae”

Luck and the winner’s curse

8 APPROPRIATE GOAL SETTING FOR RECOVERING HIGH-FFS

Setting the wrong goals can be fatal

Money’s diminishing returns

Setting goals beyond our goals

If we could have our goals now – would we?

Recognize the milestones

PART THREE: Execution

9 STRATEGY AND TACTICS

The strategic bridge

Advantages of a strategy

The strength of adopting “objectives, strategy, tactics”

The SWOT

A strategy based on strengths and opportunities

Be different

The “jumping out of the aeroplane” moment

The required fight

Rules for tactical execution

10 JUDGEMENT AND IDEAS

Judgement calls in three stages

The joy of crises

50:50s

The false hope of ideas

A technique for producing ideas

11 MANAGING THE PROCESS

Anyone can adopt efficient practices

Covey’s four activity boxes

Rethinking the notion of time

Create a timetable

Proactively managing interruptions

Clearing roadblocks

“Sharpening the saw”

“To do” lists and “checklists”

Deal with the worst thing first

Prioritization and efficiency

Endeavour is the key

PART FOUR: People

12 SELF-ESTEEM

People skills are vital

Low self-esteem – the distorting mirror

Deconstructing low self-esteem

The fight back

Judged by intentions, not actions

See the best in others

Spreading positivity

13 DEALING WITH THE BOSS

Three types of bad boss

The Pisstaker’s Charter

Developing better responses

Understand their weaknesses

Developing win–win situations

14 PROGRESS AS AN EMPLOYEE

Understand the organization

When opportunity knocks, open the door

Become the boss’s adviser

High-FFs and delegation

Commit to the organization

“Thank God it’s today”

15 NETWORKING AND INTERVIEWS

Forget playground experiences

Generating rapport

Networking potential

Networking don’ts

Should any openings come up . . . 

Dealing with interviews

Avoiding self-sabotage

16 LEADERSHIP

Leadership suits the High-FF

A new approach to leadership

The crucial ability: empathy

The paradox of success

One minute management

Make others feel important

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

The hiring gambit

Spotting curious people

It won’t always work

Inspiring leadership

Motivating a team

Loyalty runs down the hierarchy, not up

Using High-FF traits to our advantage

PART FIVE: Me Inc.

17 THE HIGH-FF ENTREPRENEUR

The entrepreneurial myth

Traits for sustainability

Terror is unavoidable

18 ALTERNATIVE PATHS FOR THE HIGH-FF

“Partnerships don’t work”

Typical High-FF partnership failings

Towards strong partnering

When partnerships go wrong

The positive side of partnerships

Freelancing and consultancy work

The franchising alternative

Developing a mental autonomy

CONCLUSION – THE POINT OF RECOVERY

Quit obsessing

Be self-critical

In defence of melancholy

Choosing to serve

Empower others

SEVEN STEPS TO NAVIGATING FEAR OF FAILURE

Step One: Discover your true values

Step Two: Visualize your goals

Step Three: Develop the milestones

Step Four: Establish a strategy and some tactics

Step Five: Execute efficiently

Step Six: Deal with people

Step Seven: Find your unique gift

BIBLIOGRAPHY

ABOUT ROBERT KELSEY

Index

“This book will help you navigate the barriers you’ve built.”

The Sun

“An engaging and entertaining read. Worth a look.”

BA Business Life

“I couldn’t help but admire the bravely personal experiences and stories shared by the author.”

Management Today

“A readable but intelligent book.”

The Market

“I would recommend the book to anyone from apprentices to entrepreneurs who would like a practical perspective of psychology and self-help.”

Edge Magazine

“This personal witty and insightful book teaches us about the fears that drive failure and the self-awareness that can help to navigate it. The great point about this book is that it is both philosophical with regards the nature of fear and its impact on achievement, and practical. For those that may be paralyzed by a fear of failure, it offers a way through.”

Luke Johnson, Chairman, Risk Capital Partners and The RSA, FT columnist, and serial entrepreneur

“Robert Kelsey has combined thorough research, careful thought and the lessons of his own experience to produce a valuable, original and eminently readable book. I can strongly recommend it to anyone whose progress has been impeded by fear of failure.”

John Caunt, author of Boost Your Self-esteem

“This is a must-read book for anyone concerned with achieving long-term professional success. Not only does Kelsey explain our common insecurities in the most readable and entertaining ways, he delivers strategies and tactics that really work.”

Martin Yate CPC, NY Times bestseller of Knock ’em Dead: Secrets and Strategies for Success in an Uncertain World

“Why do talented people sabotage their own chances of success? Often the answer is that they are afraid of failure. Kelsey provides a practical guide for overcoming this common problem. Clear, engaging, and to the point.”

Dylan Evans, author of Emotion: The Science of Sentiment

“This powerful, insightful book shows you how to unlock your unconscious brakes and step on the accelerator to achieve your true potential!”

Brian Tracy, author of Goals!, Eat That Frog, and Maximum Achievement

“In this wise and compelling book, Robert Kelsey helps you think your way out of fear of failure not only by appreciating its hidden virtues but by discovering the most original and enlightening routes to self-confidence. What’s Stopping You? is a brilliant guide to the art of living in the twenty-first century, written with literary flair and personal insight.”

Roman Krznaric, author of The Wonderbox: Curious Histories of How to Live and co-founder of The School of Life

“Kelsey offers a successful and eloquent analysis of fear of failure as a mass condition in the modern world, and one we ignore at our peril.”

Donald Kirkpatrick, psychoanalyst and a founder of the London Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy

“Confidence is the ultimate secret weapon of any successful entrepreneur. If Robert’s book can help you find yours then it will be worth its weight in gold.”

Rachel Bridge, Sunday Times Enterprise Editor and author of How I Made it, My Big Idea and How to Make a Million Before Lunch

“It’s a bestseller for a reason – buy it!”

Hag Hughes, author of Mr Right: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Finding Him

This updated second edition first published 2012

© 2012 What’s Stopping You Ltd

What’s Stopping You? is a trademark of What’s Stopping You Ltd

First edition published 2011

Registered office

Capstone Publishing Ltd (A Wiley Company), John Wiley and Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, United Kingdom

For details of our global editorial offices, for customer services and for information about how to apply for permission to reuse the copyright material in this book please see our website at www.wiley.com.

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While the case studies outlined in the pages ahead are based on concerns and experiences outlined to the author – either directly or indirectly – all names and locations have been changed in order to protect identities. Also, in all the case studies sufficient details and circumstances have been altered for any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, to be purely coincidental.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kelsey, Robert, 1964-

 What’s stopping you? : why smart people don’t always reach their potential, and how you can / Robert Kelsey. – 2nd ed.

p. cm.

 Includes index.

 ISBN 978-0-85708-307-4 (pbk.)

 1. Success in business. 2. Self-actualization (Psychology) 3. Self-help techniques. I. Title.

 HF5386.K275 2012

 650.1–dc23

2012016640

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978-0-857-08307-4 (paperback) ISBN 978-0-857-08336-4 (ebk)

ISBN 978-0-857-08337-1 (ebk) ISBN 978-0-857-08338-8 (ebk)

To Lucy

PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION

I had high hopes for What’s Stopping You? when it was first published in April 2011. But I also nursed many doubts. As a High-FF (all explained within), this was perhaps inevitable. Fear of failure makes our doubts cast long shadows over our hopes and, before long, we are sabotaging ourselves with our negative self-beliefs.

For those with a high fear of failure this is a well known cycle. And one that, usually, results in arrested endeavour – potentially followed by frustration, depression, anger and resignation. Well not this time. Encouraged by my agent (Isabel Atherton at Creative Authors), my publisher (Holly Bennion at Wiley) and my wife (Lucy), I took the plunge. I wrote about the fears and doubts and insecurities that have plagued me since childhood, and about the research I’ve undertaken over many years to try and fathom out my condition.

What’s Stopping You? is the result and, so far, its reception has bowled me over. Originally published in April 2011, the book reached Number One in a major retail business book chart around May and stayed there until January 2012. It also won positive reviews, professional praise and, literally, hundreds of emails from readers that felt the book spoke to them personally and was helping them understand their condition and plot a more productive path.

Fear of failure is a mass condition, although one that often goes unrecognized in sufferers. And, after reading the book, many of those writing to me expressed the feeling that they now felt equipped for the (far from easy) journey ahead. They better understood the fears and doubts that prevented them making progress in their careers and personal pursuits and were more willing to accept who they were, including their own faulty wiring. And this realization was helping them chart a more sustainable, as well as positive, path ahead. It was also helping them deal with the inevitable barriers along the way.

As stated within, praise is a valuable currency for those with fear of failure, so my heartfelt thanks to those that offered it.

The book’s warm reception and strong sales has led to this second edition. In some cases the new edition tackles the “constructive criticism” offered by readers (usually a contradiction in terms for the High-FF). Though mainly it includes additional content based on reader requests. Primarily, this means the inclusion of 19 case studies. Mostly, these are people who contacted me following publication, although I do occasionally take a punt on a well-known or historical name, highlighting behaviour that is useful for illustrating the book’s needs.

Another addition to this edition is the Seven Steps to Navigating Fear of Failure. To be honest, I shied away from adding exercises in the original book. In my view, too many self-help books lapse into pointless and even nonsensical exercises, almost as an alternative to constructive prose aimed at understanding our frailties. “Say ‘I am loved and I am loveable’ in the mirror 25 times each morning” – that sort of thing (an actual exercise in one of my source books, I kid you not) – will soon have the reader feeling confused and mildly humiliated, which is exactly the sort of emotion High-FFs spend their lives avoiding. And, anyway, I was writing primarily for a British market (by which I mean for the Brits’ natural reserve more than our geographical location) that may find such emotionally charged and self-regarding activities, frankly, silly.

That said, the book’s stated aim is to help readers draw their own map of the future – something authentically theirs as they forge their own path through the jungle. This, indeed, involves “exercises” such as calculating our true values and visualizing ourselves in 10 years’ time. So I’ve added a final section that summarizes these needs. This means that the narrative of the book remains – allowing the reader to absorb the text in the knowledge that any required proactivity on their part will be handily reiterated at the end.

There are also some amendments to the narrative itself – mostly based on reader feedback. For instance, entrepreneurship is far from the only Me Inc. route, so there are added sections on freelancing and franchising or simply on adopting a new attitude within your current employment. And I have been more exploratory regarding High-FF traits – especially my own – many of which (such as rebelliousness in childhood) are far from obvious.

So please keep the feedback coming (via my website at www.robert-kelsey.co.uk). Or perhaps attend one of my “fear of failure” events. But most of all please keep pursuing an understanding of who you are, which should be part of a process towards accepting yourself – including your insecurities – and navigating your way towards a better future.

Robert Kelsey, recovering High-FF

FOREWORD BY LUKE JOHNSON

Most of us know that the secret to success is confidence. Good looks, intelligence, qualifications – all these help, but with many of the highest achievers I’ve met, their greatest asset has been their world class chutzpah.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t possess such bountiful self-assurance. We are racked with doubts. We focus too much on the losing shots, not our aces. So Robert Kelsey has written a book for the rest of us, everyone who lacks confidence, who can be too self-critical, who isn’t sure if they’re up to it or going to make it. And I think it’s a winner.

The truth is that such feelings are self-fulfilling. Just as the confident person creates the mental conditions for their own success, the person who lacks confidence creates the mental conditions for their lack of progress. This makes fear of failure a debilitating condition but also one where improvement is possible, not least because failure is the very thing that confident people don’t fear. As Robert Kelsey proves, the ability to fall flat on your face without it undermining your desire to keep trying is perhaps the most important quality those high-chutzpah types possess.

Certainly, success is not about being ambitious – that’s easy. It’s about overcoming adversity. And in my experience, what separates the winners and the losers in life is how they handle disappointment. Achievement in any field is impossible without setbacks. What separates the field is not the setback, however, but the response to it.

This book offers help to those that, up until now, have been stymied by setbacks – indeed, may have even avoided participation for fear of encountering a setback. Yet the great point of the author’s advice is that it is both philosophical with regard to the nature of fear and its impact on achievement, and practical. For those who may be paralyzed by a fear of failure, it offers a way through – not through the impractical nonsense of many self-help books, but through step-by-step advice on the fears that attack us at each stage, and how we can think and act differently for a better outcome. The remarkable sales of the first edition of this book are proof that Robert’s message has resonated with thousands of readers.

The author has not invented a new philosophy or programme for living. Rather he has summarized the contents of scores of relevant self-help books – picking the bits that work, ignoring the elements that don’t. His aim is to create a tailored route for those who may simply be trying to avoid failure – helping them get a better result. There are, after all, reams of such volumes in print. And while some are useful, many of them are not. The author has covered the waterfront, and has selected the most useful and reliable advice from his research of hundreds of psychologists, therapists and self-help gurus.

What’s Stopping You? is also a highly personal book. The author talks in depth about his career journey, how he overcame his own demons by studying the literature, by really analyzing his own issues, and by developing techniques to deal with them. Sometimes amusing, sometimes cringing, sometimes painful – his own experiences add to the impression that this is a book written from the heart, even if it is aimed squarely at the head.

Robert Kelsey is a rare beast because he runs his own business – but he can also actually write. He participates and he also reports – and thinks deeply about the challenges. Word processing has enabled everyone to churn out reams of material. But few who tackle these types of subjects actually have any literary ability: in reality their prose style can be awful. Poor writing makes a book hard to read and difficult to remember – and more than anything I enjoyed reading this book. And that makes a difference when so many business and self-help books are bought and never read – partly because they are essentially unreadable. But Mr Kelsey’s text is highly enjoyable and eminently fluent.

Not all the tips here will work for everyone. But there is a sufficient range of topics for any reader – and especially any reader that has suffered from a debilitating lack of confidence – to find something relevant to their situation: from goal setting to handling work colleagues, from discovering your true values and motivations to starting a business.

So I wholeheartedly endorse this book, and encourage the casual reader to put it on their bedside table and browse it at regular intervals: for inspiration, for understanding, and for pragmatic advice. I’ve enjoyed reading it, and I think you will too.

Luke JohnsonChairman of Risk Capital Partners and the Royal Society for the Encouragement of Arts, Manufacturers and Commerce

INTRODUCTION

“Failure is not an option,” said the actor playing Gene Kranz, flight director for Mission Control in Apollo 13, the 1995 movie dramatizing the near-disaster of the third Apollo mission to the Moon. But he was wrong. It an option, which is why he said it. Kranz knew that his team had to think the unthinkable, invent the uninvented, do the undoable. And this meant employing classic alpha-male posturing to force them beyond their .