What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew E-Book

Sharon Saline

• Herausgeber: Swift Press
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 381

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

'Wonderfully written, infused with positive energy and solid information. All parents of children who have ADHD should buy it' - Edward Hallowell, MD What if you could work with your child, motivating and engaging them in the process, to create positive change once and for all? In this insightful and practical book, veteran psychologist Sharon Saline shares the words and inner struggles of children and teens living with ADHD—and a blueprint for achieving lasting success by working together. Based on more than 25 years of experience counseling young people and their families, Dr. Saline's advice and real-world examples reveal how parents can shift the dynamic and truly help kids succeed. Topics include: - Setting mutual goals that foster cooperation - Easing academic struggles - Tackling everyday challenges, from tantrums and backtalk to staying organized, building friendships, and more. With useful exercises and easy-to-remember techniques, you'll discover a variety of practical strategies that really work, creating positive change that will last a lifetime.

Leseprobe

ADVANCE PRAISE FOR

What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew

“Short enough for a busy parent to actually read and use; utterly reliable and authoritative but never pedantic; wise, kind, and teeming with the chirping voices of children who have ADHD; this cornucopia of a book will feed you over and over again. Wonderfully written, infused with positive energy and solid information. All parents of children who have ADHD should buy it.”

—EDWARD HALLOWELL, MD, bestsellingauthor of Delivered from Distraction

“We have many effective treatments and strategies to help kids with ADHD better manage daily life, but this book will provide that equally important intervention: feeling understood. I love how this book helps parents create a deeper relationship with their kids so that the whole family can thrive.”

—ARI TUCKMAN, PsyD, MBA, author ofMore Attention, Less Deficit and Understand Your Brain, Get More Done

“Dr. Saline helps parents understand the negative and positive thought patterns in their families and expose the components of unhelpful behaviors, and then, using her 5 C’s approach, guides them toward workable solutions. I highly recommend this book to assist parents in tuning up their abilities to see and hear their children’s signals more accurately, untie the knots of miscommunication, and improve everyone’s coping strategies for living with ADHD.”

—AARON T. BECK, MD, psychiatrist and professor emeritus,University of Pennsylvania, Perelman School of Medicine

“When I give presentations for parents of children with ADHD and executive skill challenges, my message to them is Most of these kids turn out fine! This book is an excellent blueprint for parents who want to make that happen. Dr. Saline is a skilled therapist who has learned to listen to her clients. This book teaches us to do the same.”

—PEG DAWSON, EdD, psychologist andcoauthor of Smart but Scattered

“Dr. Saline provides compassionate, consistent, and comprehensive guidance around the broad impact of ADHD on individuals and families. Her 5 C’s provide a practical foundation for overcoming the wide-ranging challenges of living with ADHD.”

—MARK BERTIN, MD, developmental pediatrician andauthor of How Children Thrive and Mindful Parenting for ADHD

“Sharon Saline is a rare commodity—a psychotherapist who ‘gets it!’ Not only does she understand complex kids, but she speaks to parents in a kind, straightforward, clear way that helps them improve their communication with their kids—in the heat of the moment, when they need it most. Creatively developed, constructive in its advice, and compassionately written, this is the kind of book I’d recommend to the parents in my community.”

—ELAINE TAYLOR-KLAUS, cofounder of ImpactADHD.comand author of Parenting ADHD Now!

“Dr. Saline does an excellent job of bringing compassion and insight to address the struggles children with ADHD face. She infuses each of her concepts with quotes from children of all ages as they share the impact ADHD has on them. The book will leave you feeling positive and inspired to face the challenges together with your child.”

—CINDY GOLDRICH, EdM, ACAC,ADHD parent coach and teacher trainer, PTS Coaching

“After making a diagnosis of ADHD, parents often ask me ‘What do we do now?’ Finally, there is a resource I can recommend that gives concrete advice on how to help their children, illustrated with stories, examples, and the science behind the advice.”

—JONATHAN SCHWAB, MD, medical director,Northampton Area Pediatrics

“As a school psychologist, I recognize the struggles of these children and am grateful for the wisdom they share. As a parent, my first reaction to reading this book is ‘Here we are, in print!’ My mom take-home message is that by following Dr. Saline’s sage advice, we parents can become the champions our ADHD kids really need.”

—KATHY CASALE, school psychologist and parentof two kids with ADHD

“I wish I’d had this insightful and compelling book when my children were younger. A must-read for the parent of a child with ADHD.”

—AYELET WALDMAN, author of A Really Good Day

“This book is a treasure trove for any parent of a child diagnosed with ADHD. I will return to it over and over, as a parent, a teacher, and a fellow-sufferer of ‘bullet brain.’ ”

—NERISSA NIELDS, singer/songwriter andcofounder of The Nields Band, author of How to Be an Adult

“As a teacher and a parent, I know how often our children’s frustrations become our own. Dr. Saline helps children, caregivers, and educators feel supported and equipped for success.”

—AMY MELTZER, award-winning teacher andparent of a teen with ADHD

“This book is a treasure in how it simplifies what parents need to do to best support kids with ADHD. Frustrated parents can exhale and learn how to create a positive, collaborative dynamic at home using Sharon Saline’s many helpful tips and strategies.”

—DEBBIE STEINBERG KUNTZ, LMFT,founder of Positive Impact Family

“This book is a gift for ADHD kids and their parents, packed full of wisdom and practical tips from kids and adults alike. The five C’s are tools I use and teach in my own practice all the time.”

—CHRISTOPHER WILLARD, PsyD, faculty, Harvard Medical School,and author of Growing Up Mindful and Raising Resilience

SWIFT PRESS

First published in Great Britain by Swift Press 2024

First published in the United States of America by Penguin Random House 2018

Copyright © Sharon Saline 2018

The right of Sharon Saline to be identified as the Author of this Work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Illustrations page 37, 147 © Sarina Hahn

Illustration page 97: Rhymes with Orange © 2016 Hilary B. Price – Distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc.

Illustration page 181: Rhymes with Orange © 2011 Hilary B. Price – Distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc.

Book design by Katy Riegel

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: 9781800754652

eISBN: 9781800754669

This book is dedicated to all of the kids who trusted me enough to share their stories and to my mother, who believed in this project from the very start.

Contents

Foreword by Dr. Laura Markham

Introduction

Part One:Life with ADHD

CHAPTER 1: The Five C’s of ADHD Parenting

CHAPTER 2: Understanding the ADHD Brain Makes All the Difference

CHAPTER 3: Accepting the ADHD Brain You Have

Part Two:Life at School

CHAPTER 4: Overcoming the Hurdles of School

CHAPTER 5: Don’t Freak Out: Using and Teaching self-Control

CHAPTER 6: Walking Through School in Their Shoes: Three Steps to Building Compassion

CHAPTER 7: Creating School Solutions That Stick: Collaboration Is Key!

CHAPTER 8: Keeping It Going: Fostering Consistency About School

CHAPTER 9: Celebration: More Than Saying “Good Job!”

Part Three:Life at Home and Beyond

CHAPTER 10: Managing Big Feelings

CHAPTER 11: Getting Stuff Done

CHAPTER 12: You’ve Gotta Have Friends: The Social Lives of Kids with ADHD

CHAPTER 13: Plugged In: Crazy About Technology

FINAL NOTE: Hope and Confidence

Acknowledgments

Resources for Parents

Notes

Bibliography

About the Author

Foreword

PARENTING ANY CHILD is hard. But parenting a child with an ADHD brain is the kind of hard that can make you want to throw yourself on the floor and join your child in his or her tantrum.

And truth be told, it doesn’t get easier as kids hit the preteen and teen years—it gets harder. That’s because you won’t be there to keep them on track when your son needs to keep his locker organized and remember to turn in his homework or your daughter scrambles to get herself to each class on time while navigating complicated peer dramas. ADHD brains develop a bit more slowly, and school gets more pressured for young people every day.

If you’re wondering how to teach your child or teen the executive functioning skills that are essential to their success as they become more independent in school and in life, then this empowering book is for you. Dr. Sharon Saline has worked with children and teens with ADHD for more than twenty-five years and convincingly demonstrates that they have one essential ally, one irreplaceable tool as they move through their preteen and teen years and into adulthood: you.

From teaching executive functioning skills to modeling emotional self-regulation, you the parent are your child’s most important teacher. Think of this book as your road map. In it, you’ll find clear routes to becoming the parent—the capable, kind, helpful parent—that your child or teen needs you to be, so your child can become their own personal best.

Above all, Dr. Saline offers concrete, practical tools for building the relationship that both you and your child want and deserve. Her Five C’s—self-Control, Compassion, Collaboration, Consistency, and Celebration—add up to a program that supports parents, while helping kids develop the skills they need to thrive.

Dr. Saline knows full well how challenging family life can be when ADHD is on the scene. She brings uncommon clarity and an open heart to difficult topics like the shame that both child and parent alike often feel as they struggle together with the challenges of ADHD. But she also helps us celebrate the strengths—the energy, the imagination, and the fun—of kids with ADHD. Reading this book reminds parents that other families have successfully grappled with ADHD and helped their children develop hard-won skills to handle adult life.

What is most moving about this book, and most helpful to parents, are the voices of the many ADHD children and teenagers themselves who fill these pages. Dr. Saline’s secret power, and your secret weapon, are the same: listening. If you really listen to your child and see the world through his or her eyes, if your child feels seen and heard by you, you can build a relationship of love and compassion that will see you both through the hard times.

You will not always find it easy to be the parent of a child with an ADHD brain. You will sometimes despair, wondering, “How will my child turn out?” Fortunately, you’ll see in this book, and hear in these young people’s voices, that they will turn out to be themselves and more, and that their struggles are immeasurably helped when they see you intervening at school on their behalf, sitting with them when they hurt, supporting them through academics and chores, and believing in them even when they don’t believe in themselves.

The harder the struggle, the sweeter the victory. Dr. Saline’s relationship-based model gives you the practical wisdom to create that sweet, supportive relationship with your child that gives your child the skills they need to thrive. You’ll each grow as the lessons and insights in the book become part of your everyday lives. And what does a child, or a parent, desire more than that?

Dr. Laura Markhamauthor of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids:How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting

Introduction

“School is okay, but homework, especially with my mom, is the worst thing. She just doesn’t understand what it’s like for me. We get my stuff done, but we argue a lot. I want to do it myself, but I can’t, so I’m stuck.”

—Oliver, age 9

“I’m very in the moment. I am very good at forgetting, which is honestly one of my favorite qualities. Small things don’t bother me a lot.”

—Ella, age 16

“After school, I go outside or do PlayStation by myself or with my friends. . . . By myself it’s hard to stop. But if I’m with another person and my dad yells that it is time to get off, we do something else. Like when I’m by myself, uh, what’s to do?”

—Logan, age 11

“Having ADHD is like you’re trying to pedal uphill on a bike, but it’s not in gear so you’re going backward. You’re trying, but it’s just not going. Sometimes I get so irrational and angry because I try so hard.”

—Amari, age 17

If you are the parent of a child or teen with attention-deficit hyperactive disorder (with or without hyperactivity), these stories, or ones like them, might seem familiar to you. You may know that school is challenging for your son and that the two of you argue too much. You may know that your daughter is forgetful and needs multiple reminders to remember her soccer practice and her chores. But do you really understand what having ADHD is like for them? What difference would that make in your daily parenting struggles to help them grow into responsible, competent, and happy adults? Based on interviews with dozens of kids from various ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds, this book gives you insights into the minds and feelings of children and teens with ADHD. Their stories unlock a rich trove of feelings, thoughts, and ideas about themselves and what it means to have ADHD. Their perspectives open up the extraordinary opportunity for parents to better understand their minds, emotions, and actions. These tales, along with decades of clinical experience helping more than a thousand youths and families, have informed my distinctive approach, the Five C’s of ADHD Parenting. With these tools, you learn how to create lasting solutions to daily challenges in your family.

Through my work with children, teens, and their families—in my psychotherapy practice and as a consultant to schools, a keynote speaker, and a workshop facilitator, I have observed that families dealing with ADHD seem to miss one another’s signals and wind up angry, frustrated, hurt, and disconnected. Kids repeatedly tell me things that they don’t share with their parents but would like to discuss. Parents tell me they want to understand what is going on with their children but need practical strategies to meet their daily challenges. My Five C’s method (self-Control, Compassion, Collaboration, Consistency, and Celebration) offers you an effective, evidence-based road map for reducing family stress and improving the loving connections that everyone wants.

The voices in this book echo the sentiments and behaviors of your own son or daughter, offering a window into what you might not know about them. Some of the kids have been in therapy with me or other clinicians; some of them have never been to therapy at all. All of them share their experiences with surprising honesty, humor, and poignancy. As you read, you’ll learn effective ways to figure out what your child is telling you—with their words and actions. You’ll become more skilled at navigating the complicated issues they bring to you. Instead of focusing on how to fix your child or teen, the Five C’s build connection and improve working together as the basis for effective change. Most kids share a similar desire to feel seen, heard, and understood. You’ll create win-win situations where they want to work with you. Many books about ADHD tell parents what to do and how to discipline. This one explains how being an empathic ally creates the lasting changes you and your child long for. I have found from years of working with families that this collaborative approach is what works best.

Each chapter begins with a vignette or excerpts from interviews to set the tone for our journey together, with personal stories threaded throughout the book. In Part One, we go over the model of the Five C’s of ADHD parenting. We look at living with ADHD and learning differences, understanding the ADHD brain and executive functioning, getting an accurate diagnosis, and accepting life with an ADHD brain (for you and your child). In Part Two, we delve into various aspects of school, including academic issues, homework, and self-advocacy. In Part Three, we examine life at home by exploring tantrums and worries, organization, friendships, and technology. With useful exercises and easy-to-remember techniques, you’ll learn a variety of practical strategies that really work.

Throughout this book, I refer to attention issues as ADHD in part because ADHD/ADD seems cumbersome, and it is clinically and medically called “ADHD, inattentive, hyperactive or combined type.”* In order to respect the spectrum of gender diversity, I use the plural “they/them” as much as possible instead of “he/she or him/her” to refer to a child or teen. I call kids “boys,” “girls,” “sons,” and “daughters” for the ease of language rather than an intention to exclude transgender or gender-nonconforming youth. All the names and identities of the children, teens, and parents have been disguised to protect their privacy.

Finally, I have a personal connection to ADHD that is different from most authors. I grew up in a family with a younger brother who was hyperactive and impulsive. When he was five years old, he started therapy, which helped with anger management but ultimately missed the mark. The main issues of attention difficulties and executive functioning challenges were not addressed because information about ADHD in the early ’70s was scant. He struggled, my parents struggled with him, and I watched it all unfold. They used a top-down, authoritative model of parenting that just did not work. Sometimes I avoided getting involved in their conflicts; at others, I attempted to mediate them. It was tough for all of us, especially my brother.

My perspective as a sibling—living with untreated ADHD from the inside out and seeing how it affected everyone—initially drew me to child and family therapy and now to writing this book. I want kids with ADHD to share their stories and know that their words matter to the adults who care for them and that we are listening. I envision families who have less conflict and stress and more ease in their daily interactions. I hope parents will share any familiar-sounding voices in this book with their son or daughter as reassurance that they are not alone. I believe that this book paves the way for essential dialogues and successful interventions between parents and kids. The Five C’s of ADHD parenting provides a valuable map for doing this as well as building closeness and cooperation. With these tools in hand, your child or teen will be better positioned to grow up with the competency, self-esteem, and resiliency they need to lead meaningful and productive lives.

____________________

* Although the issues and behaviors for hyperactivity and inattention differ, for most kids, their experiences of living with ADHD are actually more similar than not. For this reason, I use the term “ADHD.”

PART ONE

Life with ADHD

Chapter 1

The Five C’s of ADHD Parenting

MEET DREW, AGE 12, as he says to his dad: “Don’t open my locker! Just help me get to class on time.”

They make an odd but not unusual pair. The boy is tall and gangly with wavy black hair that perpetually falls over his eyes, wearing a wrinkled T-shirt and black Converse sneakers whose size matches his age– 12. His father, a squat, balding man a few inches shorter than his son, limps alongside him. Their mission: go to the middle school after the students have left the building on this autumn afternoon and map out the best route to classes so that Drew, recently diagnosed with ADHD, won’t be late anymore.

It’s weirdly quiet when they enter the school. Bill, who never really liked school, looks around warily. He takes a deep breath and reminds himself that he is here to help his son. He turns to Drew and grumbles, “Let’s start with your locker.” They make their way through the empty hallways in silence until arriving at Locker 152.

“Open it.”

“Dad, seeing my locker wasn’t our deal. We’re here to figure out how I can get to classes without being late, which isn’t going to work anyway because I’m just slow. I’m a slow walker.”

Bill’s eyes narrow, and his throat tightens. “Drew, open your locker. I want to see how you keep your things. Your progress report says that you’re late to classes and you forget to turn work in. So open it up. Let’s see what’s going on in there.”

Drew reluctantly turns the dial on the combination lock, and, as the door pops open, a notebook, several sheets of paper, and an empty soda can fall to the ground.

“Drew, you can’t keep your stuff like this. It’s a mess, just like your room.” Bill bends over and starts picking up the various papers strewn on the floor. “These need to go in folders, and these books should be stacked up, not shoved in here. Hey, what’s this?” He picks up a half-eaten candy bar that’s melted onto a notebook. “Haven’t I taught you better than this?” He starts pulling everything out of the locker onto the floor.

“Dad, will you just stop? Dad! This is why I didn’t want to open my locker. It’s my stuff. I don’t even need half those papers. . . .” Drew raises his voice: “Stop touching my stuff! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

Bill continues, mumbling about responsibility. Drew pounds his fists on a nearby locker and, when that does not stop his dad, throws himself on the floor before finally storming away. He hates when his dad flat-out ignores him, and besides, they were supposed to figure out how he can get to classes faster, not organize his locker. This is stupid. Bill yells after him, “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Away.”

“I’m your ride home.”

“I’m walking.”

Confused and frustrated, Bill watches Drew leave and wonders how he can help his son.

Sound familiar? If you are a parent of a kid with ADHD, you’ve probably been through a scenario similar to this many times. You ask yourself over and over, What’s so difficult? Why does he keep making the same mistakes? What doesn’t she get? You feel as though you’re living in the movie Groundhog Day because the same negative behaviors occur over and over while nothing you try seems to make a difference. You love your child, but you are repeatedly frustrated, and at a deeper level, you’re frightened. You ask yourself, What will become of my child if they can’t get it together? Are they destined to spend their life working at a low-paying, dead-end, and unfulfilling job? Parenting any child is hard enough. But parenting a child with ADHD sometimes feels like peaks of progress are regularly followed by intense backslides.

Why is daily life often harder for kids with ADHD? They seem to struggle academically, socially, and psychologically. They forget things, can’t slow down, find it hard to focus, space out regularly. They are disorganized; they feel overwhelmed; they can’t control their emotions; they miss the nuances of peer interactions. While they like their creativity, their “out of the box” thinking, and their energy, they are usually ashamed of their shortcomings, want to avoid dealing with them, and often feel powerless to change them. Similar to all kids, they just want to be “normal.” They certainly don’t want to have a “disorder,” and no matter how many times you tell them that everyone’s brain is different, they think it is definitely more than a “focus problem.” As a parent, how can you feel competent and effective in assisting them to overcome the daily challenges they face and embrace the brain they have? How can you listen to what they are telling you about their experiences and offer them the empathy and guidance they need?

These two questions are fundamentally linked. It’s as difficult for them as it is for you. It’s crucial to remember that kids with ADHD are doing the best they can with their skills—skills that are compromised by the inherent complexities of having ADHD (such as challenges with working memory, impulse control, and concentration). They do the best they can with their personal resources and know, either outright or internally, when they are falling short. You, as their caretakers, witness their efforts. You see them triumph one day and flop the following. You try to make things better for them, sometimes offering suggestions that work while others are rebuffed before you can finish your sentence. Too often, you end up doing an ’80s slam dance: colliding into each other and then bouncing away, bruised and overheated.

While children and teens with ADHD often feel misunderstood and criticized for things they can’t help doing, they also want to be connected to others, loved, and accepted for who they are. They want to be skilled and successful, they want to feel as though they belong, and they especially want to be heard. Instead, kids often feel just the opposite: incompetent, insecure, worried, angry, silenced. Sometimes they cling to parental help, and sometimes they push it away. Despite any actions and words otherwise, kids with ADHD, like all young people, desperately crave their parents’ approval and support. They also want the acceptance of their teachers and peers.

While you love your kids, as their parent, you may be more often exhausted by their antics than amused by them. Although you may value their creativity, intelligence, or athletic prowess, you probably struggle with maintaining patience, balance, and humor in the face of strife or chaos. You want more cooperative, responsible behaviors. You don’t want to remind your son to put away his laundry for the third time as the clean stuff slowly mixes with the dirty on the floor. You don’t want to attend another meeting with your daughter’s teacher about her spaciness in class and failure to turn in assignments. And most of all, you don’t want to feel incapable and clueless as a parent about how to guide your child to become a fully functioning adult. You, like all parents, want to feel capable and competent.

The goal of this book is to give you a road map to be that capable parent via the voices of children and teens with ADHD. You’ll elicit and listen to your child’s stories about having ADHD and respond empathically, supportively, and calmly. You’ll notice what your son or daughter is communicating to you with their words and actions. You’ll work together toward solutions for everyday challenges. Your son or daughter will learn to see you as an ally. They will be more open to your suggestions because they feel seen and heard. You’ll feel less stressed, and your child or teen will begin to thrive.

I call this road map the Five C’s of ADHD Parenting:

■   self-Control: Learning to manage your own feelings first so you can act effectively and teach your child with ADHD to do the same.

“I lost it with him yesterday before we left for dinner with my parents. After three reminders to put on his shoes, when he still didn’t have them on, I yelled, ‘Terrell! Shoes!’ I wish I had more patience, but I have my limits too.”

—Monica, the mother of Terrell, age 8

“I am an emotional person, and sometimes I don’t have any control over my feelings. It’s like being a volcano that’s ready to explode at all times.”

—Martina, age 17

■   Compassion: Meet your child where they are, not where you expect them to be.

“He works so hard to make it through a day at school. It blows my mind how he does that. I try to remember this when we are fighting about doing his homework the way I think it should be done.”

—Eva, the mother of Marco, age 10

“I don’t like how my parents try to help me because they talk too much and ask too many questions. It pressures me when I don’t have the answers, but I don’t say nothing because I don’t want them to get mad at me.”

—Angel, age 11

■   Collaboration: Work together with your child and other important adults in their life to find solutions to daily challenges instead of imposing your rules on them.

“I coach my daughter’s basketball team, and because she has trouble remembering directions, people end up frustrated or yelling at her, which she doesn’t like. We made a plan: I give her a calm reminder, and she asks for help more often. Yesterday, when she missed the warm-up directions, she quickly ran over, asked someone what we were doing, and got started. No drama! This was huge for her.”

—Eric, the father of Sheena, age 12

“Sometimes there’s some bumps in the road—like in the mornings. Mom said I can play video games if I am ready for school early, but then I don’t want to stop when it’s time to leave and I get really mad. We got a timer now that gives a reminder and final bell. I don’t like it, but I don’t yell so much. She likes that.”

—Jack, age 8

■   Consistency: Do what you say you will do; aim for staying steady, not for perfection. Nurture their efforts to do their best, and do the same for yourself.

“We use screens as incentives and consequences, but we can’t always stick with a plan. Sometimes we forget or something happens or we just feel tired. I know we give mixed messages, but we are trying our best.”

—Scott, the father of Darren, age 15

“What my mom does, which I really don’t understand, is that she cleans up and complains. She’ll say, ‘I’m going to leave the next mess I see you make and tell you to clean it up,’ and then goes in, cleans it up, and tells me about it. I tell her, ‘Let me do it next time,’ but she never does.”

—Stella, age 14

■   Celebration: Notice and acknowledge what’s working by continuously offering words and actions of encouragement, praise, and validation.

“I want Nolan to do his best effort at school and home, so I get upset when he doesn’t. He told me last week what he hears from me is that he’s never good enough. I’m surprised that Nolan doesn’t hear me telling him how smart he is and could do better because of that.”

—Michael, the father of Nolan, age 11

“My mom taught me to think positively. If you can ask yourself questions during the day, like, ‘What am I doing right now? What can I do to make this situation a little better?’ then you can turn around a crappy situation. When we do this together, she helps me find something good, which I really appreciate.”

—Martina, age 17

MY FIVEC’S model relies on two things: strength-based thinking and attentive awareness. With strength-based thinking, you focus on your child’s capabilities to help them build competence, self-confidence, and pride. Strength-based thinking means identifying traits, or behaviors they excel at, and nurturing those skills. These abilities may be either obvious or obscure, but they are there, and your job is to identify them. If things have been tough at home and all you can see is how your seven-year-old son is good at building with LEGOs and snuggling with the dog, then those strengths are your starting point. “Shawn, that’s a fancy house you built with your LEGOs. Look at all of those rooms.” “It’s so nice how you like to cuddle with our puppy. I know that you really love him.” Pay equal if not more attention to these qualities instead of how he is a slow reader and a reluctant soccer player. Focus on and appreciate their strengths, however idiosyncratic they may be. “Wow, you set the table by putting the silverware in the glasses. That’s different.” “Hey, you cleaned your bathroom and arranged all your makeup according to color. Looks cool.” When parents use strength-based thinking, they cultivate self-confidence, resilience, and motivation in their kids because you are working from a place of competency instead of failure.

Attentive awareness involves observing, listening to, and acknowledging what your child is saying. This serves as the starting point for any desired changes. If your thirteen-year-old daughter is racing around on Sunday night in a panic because she forgot to do the math project due on Monday, she is showing several things. Not only is she disorganized about keeping track of her assignments and unable to remember them, she is scared, worried, and overwhelmed. Instead of angrily saying, “How many times have I told you that you need to do a better job doing your homework before the eleventh hour? Your bedtime is in thirty minutes,” or “Why can’t you learn to keep up with things and follow directions like your sister?!” use attentive awareness and respond empathically. For example, you might say: “I see how worried and overwhelmed you are about your math. Let’s slow everything down and figure out what would be helpful. You’ll get through this, and I’ll help in whatever way I can.” Getting mad at her won’t help either of you. She is emotionally overloaded and needs your support. Attentive awareness guides you to aligning with her in solving the problem.

The next day, when things are calmer, you can brainstorm a different approach to weekend homework. “I think we need a plan to help you avoid these incidents in the future. What do you think? When can we talk about this?” Then ask for her opinion about what happened, share your observations, and create solutions together. When a kid with ADHD fails at a task he or she should be able to perform, it’s usually because they don’t know what else to do or can’t access what they know they should do. Dr. Ross Greene, founder of Lives in the Balance (www.livesinthebalance.org) asserts that “kids do well if they can,” and they prefer to do well if they have the skills to do so.1

When kids meet with defeat, it’s because they don’t see other choices for themselves in that moment. This perspective can be hard for our adult minds to grasp. How can it be that your teen son doesn’t see other choices when he shoplifts a Mike’s Hard Lemonade? There are lots of reasons: poor impulse control, peer pressure, denial of real consequences, fun of risk-taking behavior. His thinking brain wasn’t available to him in that moment, but that doesn’t mean that he likes to do “bad things.” Frequently kids with ADHD don’t make effective choices because they have missed the environmental, visual, or verbal cues that would help them slow down and figure out an alternative. Sometimes they fail so much that they don’t believe they can succeed anymore. Darren, a fifteen-year-old boy in my therapy practice, refused to talk to his biology teacher about his failed exam: “I failed the class last year, and I’m failing again. What’s the point? It won’t help.” After some digging, we remembered he had spoken to her recently about a difficult class assignment and she had been helpful. He reconsidered. They reviewed his errors, and she ended up giving him some credit for his corrections.

Strength-based thinking and attentive awareness counteract kids’ pattern of failure. Challenges that are frequently frustrating, overwhelming, or isolating become manageable because you have faced them together. Sometimes they approach you for advice or help with a problem. They share their stories, listen to your words, and watch your actions. They see and feel what connection looks like. They realize that they are not as alone as they may have felt because you are sharing in their successes and their flops. At other times, you bring up a trouble spot, often a trickier but necessary part of your parenting job. In these moments, you create the platform for discussing issues by your approach, your tone, and your attitude.

When you put your heads together to invent alternatives and explore new choices about an issue that matters to you, the Five C’s Parenting kicks in. You calmly share what you see or hear, your point of view and feedback. By including your child in the process of addressing a problem that you have identified either on your own or together, you are demonstrating basic respect for them—even if they don’t always show this to you. That’s part of their development into adults. Mutual input is the key, but, as the parent, you obviously have the final say. If your son doesn’t think dirty dishes left overnight in his room is a problem, or your daughter refuses to call when she is going to be an hour late, as the responsible adult, you get to insist on a change.

Many parents stare in disbelief when I talk about this approach to raising kids with ADHD. “Why do we have to ‘negotiate’ things? Why can’t she just do what I tell her to do? I’m her mother. That’s how I was raised. Do what I say or else.” For many of us, the “or else” usually included rageful yelling; spanking with hands, belts, or paddles; or time spent in isolation (being sent to our rooms for hours). But this “my way or the highway” style of parenting doesn’t really fit with Generation X or Millennial parents, who don’t want to squelch their kids—either because of philosophical beliefs or rejection of the restraints they felt as children.2 Fifty years ago, psychologist Diana Baumrind labeled this forceful type of parenting “authoritarian,”3 and researchers have since found that being punitive and controlling does not assist parents in increasing their child’s cooperation.4 In fact, it’s the parent/child relationship that motivates kids to chip in and comply. Alfie Kohn, international parenting expert and author, writes:

On balance, the kids who do what they’re told are likely to be those whose parents don’t rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them. They have parents who treat them with respect, minimize the use of control, and make a point of offering reasons and explanations for what they ask.5

My conversations with kids with ADHD wholeheartedly support Kohn’s opinion. Teaming up with your child to deal with trouble spots produces better results all around, but the back-and-forth can be maddening. As parents, you, like your child, are trying to do the best you can given your resources. Naturally, all parents want to help kids flourish and will usually do whatever they can to assist them. You teach your sons and daughters life skills, offer suggestions, repeat instructions, and then hopefully watch them move along, sometimes fluidly and sometimes fitfully. Last week, your six-year-old daughter was miraculously ready for school on time on Monday and Tuesday, listening to your reminders and following the routine. On Wednesday, you were rushing madly to get to work and school on time. While you were hurriedly getting dressed for work, she was supposed to be brushing her teeth and putting on her shoes. Instead, she was hopping around on one foot with a hat over her eyes pretending to be a blind kangaroo. One step forward and two steps back. Sometimes you are amused; other times, you are just disheartened. It’s in these moments, when you are stressed, fed up, and demoralized, that you need my Five C’s parenting approach.

How many times have you experienced the following scenario? Your thirteen-year-old daughter comes home from school, simultaneously eats a snack, watches TV, does her math homework, and leaves her snack dishes and books on the sofa with the TV on while she wanders upstairs to Facebook her friends. You have probably told her a thousand times not to study and watch TV and not to eat on the sofa. In spite of agreements about house rules, you come home from work and are again greeted by the familiar mess. You likely think, “What is wrong with her?” You may lose it and scream at her, “Pick things up immediately or you’ll lose electronics for the next five days.” You may even tell her that she is “a space cadet and a slob.” You may ask her if she knows anything about the rules of your house, and when she grudgingly says yes, you demand to know why she can’t follow them. She has no answer. Maybe she knows but refuses to tell you, or maybe she honestly doesn’t know.

What her behavior is showing you is that, given her ADHD and her level of development, she simply doesn’t make positive choices consistently. Of course she knows the house rules, but because she is a teenager with ADHD, her impulsive desires, her inability to finish one thing before starting another, and her failure to remember to do things have trumped the rules. Most likely she feels ashamed about that, but you won’t see that embarrassment if you are yelling; you will be met by a defensive, angry girl. Any productive conversation has disappeared, and there’s no actual listening either. You have hit a wall. You both need different skills and new ways of behaving and you need them now!

My Five C’s model of self-Control, Compassion, Collaboration, Consistency, and Celebration will help you build on what you do that already works while offering you new ideas and perspectives to help you through difficult parts. The five components, examined carefully in the rest of this chapter, will strengthen your natural parenting skills while building warmer family connections and reducing stress and disharmony.

1. self-Control

“Yesterday at breakfast, I called my dad an idiot when he took out the OJ for my cereal instead of the milk. It was funny. He didn’t think so. He slammed the milk on the table, which made it spill, grabbed my arm, and yelled in my face that I had no right to talk to him that way. Then he stormed out of the kitchen and I had to clean up the spilled milk, which wasn’t even my fault.”

—Carly, age 12

NO PARENT CAN interact effectively with anyone, let alone their son or daughter with ADHD, in the midst of a conflict (or any other situation) if they are momentarily disconnected from themselves, emotionally triggered, or feeling out of control. Most kids are particularly adept at engaging in behaviors that can drive their parents crazy. Kids who have ADHD—with their inherent poor impulse control, forgetfulness, and emotional intensity—repeatedly set off their parents in ways that wear them down. Your ability to function thoughtfully and calmly can stop episodes from recurring. How many times have you felt as though you are at the end of your rope, feeling the fibers slip through your fingers as you yell at your son again?

Realistically, you can’t deal with any situation effectively until you get yourself under control. Being aware of your feelings and what is bubbling inside you is the first step toward a positive alliance with your child or teen. Take deep breaths, pause, get in touch with what you are feeling. Any of the following exercises will cool the fire inside you.

EXERCISE 1: BREATHING

Here are my favorite, really simple breathing techniques that kids with and without ADHD seem to love. Together, with your son or daughter, give each one a try and choose your favorites.

Nostril Breathing

This comes from yoga. Place your right finger on your right nostril, and breathe in and out with your left one. Then switch. Do this five to ten times. Notice how you feel.

Chest Breathing

Place your hand on your chest or the top of your diaphragm, and take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat this five times. Notice how you feel.

Flower/Candle Breathing

One of my clients, Zora, age 16, told me about this third option—“Sniff the flower, blow out the candle”6—that she learned in school, and we adapted it. Extend your pointer finger, and hold it about six inches from your face. Take a long, deep breath, as if you are smelling a beautiful rose. Then, exhale it like you are blowing out a candle on a birthday cake. Do this three times. Notice how you feel.

NOW THAT YOU are calmer, you have a chance to figure out a way to handle the situation before you do something that escalates it. This process of mindfulness is the opposite of losing your temper. Dr. Laura Markham observes:

Being mindful means that you pay attention to what you’re feeling, but don’t act on it. . . . Acting on it mindlessly, with words or actions, is what compromises our parenting.7

Choosing mindfulness leads to responding instead of reacting. It keeps a situation from spiraling into a confrontation and leads to the creation of the positive parent/child alliance at the heart of the Five C’s approach.

We all have times when we say something in frustration and wish we could take it back. Most likely, those words are part of a knee-jerk response when your emotional brain has hijacked your thinking brain. Reacting with explosive feelings and inappropriate actions speeds up interpersonal disconnection and throws kindling on the flames of a growing escalation. As adults, our developed prefrontal cortex—the seat of the thinking brain—is capable of reestablishing self-Control and getting our explosive emotions back in check. However, your child and teen, whose prefrontal cortex is still maturing (until at least age twenty-five), lacks this important level of self-regulation.8 They need guidance with managing their big feelings. For them, the emotional and physical reactions happen fast. One teen boy told me that his anger “is like a huge wave, a tidal wave. I am doing fine and then ‘POW!’ Suddenly I am struggling to keep my head above water.” Probably you, too, have felt this powerful wave of emotion at some time or another in your life. But as an adult you have the skills to subdue it and rein yourself in.

Reacting generally involves criticism and blame, followed by regrets. Criticism is an outlet for spontaneous adult anger or intolerance that all children interpret instantaneously. For kids with ADHD, it is the sandpaper that rubs regularly against their skin. “Sit still like Jamie and Tyler during morning meeting!” “Can you stop leaving your smelly soccer socks in the kitchen every day and put them in the laundry where they belong?!” “Why don’t you have any capital letters in your report? You can’t turn it in like this.”