When Changing Nothing Changes Everything E-Book

Laurie Polich Short

• Herausgeber: IVP
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2017

Seitenzahl: 237

Beschreibung

Reframing your perspective can transform your life. We often face circumstances that we cannot change—a job we are forced to keep, a relationship that did not work out, a decision we cannot take back. The stress of life can overwhelm us, and we may not see past the obstacles in our path. In the face of unwanted challenges, we may despair over our lack of control and long for an easier way out. Laurie Short offers a simple but revolutionary idea: change nothing that is around you yet still change everything about your life. With the help of four different lenses, Laurie shows how the way you see can have an impact on how you live. If you put on the right lenses, you can reframe whatever comes your way and embrace both the good and the bad, recognizing that every detail of your life is fully in God's sovereign hands. Jesus indicates the power of focus when he says, "The eye is the lamp of the body, if the eye is good then the whole body will be full of light." It's the easiest way to find lasting meaning and purpose. Change nothing, but see differently. Your perspective has more power than you think to determine the course of your life.

Leseprobe

WHEN CHANGING NOTHING CHANGES EVERYTHING

THE POWER OF REFRAMING YOUR LIFE

Laurie Polich Short

Contents

Introduction: The Things You May Not See

LENS 1: The Big View

1 The Big Picture Changes the Small Picture

2 Your View of Circumstances Shapes What They Become

3 How Your Death Changes Your Life

LENS 2: The Present View

4 Seeing the Path in Front of You

5 Seeing the People on Your Path

LENS 3: The Rear View

6 Looking at Your Past Brings Clarity

7 Looking at Your Memories Builds Hope

LENS 4: The Higher View

8 Pausing to Notice God’s Gifts

9 Seeing the Purpose for Your Pain

10 Opening Your Eyes to Need

11 Looking at Your Life with New Eyes

Acknowledgments

Notes

Praise for When Changing Nothing Changes Everything

About the Author

More Titles from InterVarsity Press

The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.

MATTHEW 6:22

INTRODUCTION

The Things You May Not See

I remember the morning well. It was a few months after I had moved to Santa Barbara, California, and the pastor I was working for invited me to give the sermon at my church. People were still getting to know me, so I decided to start by sharing a typical scene from my life. Here’s how I began:

I got up this morning in my apartment, and I was all alone. I have no husband, so there are no kids. The owner recently put a “For Sale” sign in the front yard, so I probably won’t be able to stay in my place much longer. The rent will go up, and I’ll have to find something else. Dating at my age is not easy, because everyone you meet has baggage. It’s just a matter of choosing what luggage you can live with. Whether it’s a divorce, shared kids, or the reasons that accompany prolonged singleness, it’s been impossible to find anyone I am interested in. I love it here, but working at a church is one of the hardest jobs a single person can have. You feel your singleness everywhere you go.

I paused, and an awkward silence fell across the crowd. Noticing the pastor staring at me with a look of wonderment (not the good kind), I took a deep breath and started again:

I got up this morning and I had the whole place to myself. It was quiet, and I could do whatever I wanted. The “For Sale” sign is still in front of my place, so I’ll be able to live there another month. If it sells, there’s a chance I might find something even better. Dating is much easier at my age because you know yourself more. You are better equipped to make a good choice. You also have a lot more grace for the people you date because you realize that circumstances make life complicated. And my job? Working at a church is such a gift! What a blessing to have an extended family in the place where you work when there isn’t one at home.

I should have stopped my sermon right there. Because this was the only part of the talk people remembered. It’s been ten years since I gave that illustration, and there are still some people who remember it. Somehow it struck a chord and may have even planted the seed that caused me to write this book.

Where we choose to focus makes all the difference in what we see.

Seventeenth-century philosopher Blaise Pascal accurately observed, “There is enough light for those who choose to see, and enough darkness for those who are of a contrary disposition.” He wrote these words to describe a journey toward faith, but they are also true about life. Where we choose to focus makes all the difference in what we see.

I should pause here and tell you that this is not a book about putting on “rose-colored glasses” in your circumstances. It’s about reframing what you see. In the chapters that follow, you will be introduced to four different lenses that will open up a multi­dimensional view of your life.

The big view lens will help you view your life from a broader perspective. The present view lens will help you see what you may be missing right now. The rear view lens will give you insight about the way you are wired. And the higher view lens will reveal more of what God wants you to see. Looking through these lenses, you will discover some different perspectives that could open up some uncharted vistas of your life.

As the title of my book suggests, these lenses won’t change anything that is in front of you. They will simply expand the dimensions of what you see. But using them could change what happens from this point forward.

Why We Need a MultiDimensional View

Before the dawn of social media, we only dreamed of how the other half lived. Now we get to see it. And I have wondered about the effect this is having on our souls. Through the lens of select images and soundbites, everyone looks happier, prettier, thinner, and more fulfilled than they really are. Comparing these images to the unedited version of our own lives, it’s not hard to imagine why many of us feel slightly depressed. A friend of mine used to say, “Don’t compare what you know about yourself to what you don’t know about someone else.” Social media has turned his warning into an art.

There are parts of social media that I love: the ability to see pictures of family far away, and stay in touch with friends I no longer see. It’s the wistful dissatisfaction that comes with it I could live without. In the olden days, we used to feel that way when we picked up a magazine or turned on the TV and saw people we could later convince ourselves “weren’t really real.” Now we see people we know are real. And they look like they are living a much better life than the one we have. What we forget is that when they look at us, they feel the same way.

Rarely do we race to the screen to post pictures of the bad date we had or the temper tantrum our child just had. But catch us in front of a sunset, dressed up to go out, or celebrating an honor roll or little league championship, and the camera is out, ready to post. Perpetuating the “perfect life” myth for all to enjoy.

Then we get off camera and live our real lives. And after viewing other people’s images, we have that gnawing sense that if only we could . . . do . . . be . . . have . . . look like . . . then we would be happy. Something is missing. And the longer we think about it, the bigger it gets.

I remember the first time I wrote the word vacation in an email, and an ad for Bora Bora popped up on the margin of my screen. Immediately I visualized myself sitting in a beach chair by the ocean, sipping a drink in a coconut. Within minutes, my desk, my home, and for that matter my life, looked a lot less appealing. I’m guessing you have been there too.

Because we are confronted with an endless barrage of images bombarding us with what we need to be happy, seeing all that we have in front of us is a skill we need. That is what this book will help you do. Because when you stop to consider what you have, you are less likely to spend your life chasing things that will never be.

The promise of more, bigger, better, other, is an empty promise, and you discover that when you get it. You have only to pursue the next relationship, the new job, or the shiny car to realize when something is finally yours, it eventually becomes something you no longer hold dear. When you remember how you felt when you got those things, you more clearly recognize the value of what you have, and this helps you see through the mirages your current desires might tempt you to pursue. These can be feisty mirages because they not only lure you in to their promise of happiness, they also may cause you to abandon things you will discover you want much more when they are no longer yours.

The secret to living your best life lies largely in your ability to see all that is in front of you.

The secret to living your best life lies largely in your ability to see all that is in front of you. That is what this book is about. I believe more of your life is determined by the way you see than you can imagine. The reframing principles in this book will help you see your life in new ways and may keep you from making a decision that takes you somewhere you don’t want to go. That is one of the reasons your vision is so important. This scene from my past illustrates why.

The View You Don’t Want to See

I remember the moment he took to the stage—he was something to behold. I was speaking at a conference, and single at the time. He was leading music at the conference, and he was exactly my type. Tall, dark, handsome, and subtly flirtatious. And he was married.

I can still remember the tapes rolling around in my head as we found ourselves strolling back to our rooms late at night. There was nothing inappropriate in what we did; we merely talked about life, and dreams, my sadness not being married, his wonderment at why I wasn’t. He seemed taken by my thoughts and listened intently to my words, smiling and pensive at all the right times.

Married.

I held that thought directly in front of me as I committed myself to bring up his wife, his kids. “All good,” he said. “Just been at it for a while.” And maybe he would have written his life differently if he had the chance. As we parted, I closed my door, shut my eyes, and caught my breath. We were staying in a lodge with a few other people, all separate rooms. Minutes after we got back, I could hear him in the next room strumming his guitar. It was a large open area that had couches and tables where any of us could sit and talk and relax. I felt a rush of excitement when I heard him and reached for my door handle to enter his space. Then I paused. In the depths of my soul I knew what was simmering between us wasn’t friendship. From him or for him. Yet how I tried to stifle that whisper. The still, small voice that said turning away now will be your least painful turn.

Yes, there were parts of my life still missing. But if I took another step, I could come close to losing what I had. The life of trusting and wanting, waiting and building. Knowing that if I kept moving forward it would be one flash of ecstasy. And a lifetime of regret. That I’d be giving in to the illusion of what could never be at the expense of compromising what each of us had. The ministries we loved. The marriage he had. The marriage I wanted someday. And with the view I made myself see, I stayed in my room. And I let distance clear my head.

Years later I heard he had an affair. And the uniqueness of how I felt under his gaze was put in the context of what time revealed. It was not me he wanted. It was someone other than the woman he had. Seeing the end had saved me.

Pausing to get an accurate view of what is in front of you can keep you from pursuing things that can hijack your life. It helps you recognize the allure is in the wanting, not in the thing you want. You have only to experience getting something you want—and living with it for a while—to discover it’s never as good as you thought it would be. Keeping that truth in front of you saves you from pursuing something that takes you somewhere you don’t want to be.

When you look at your desire with the end in sight, you can see how the path will end up. Then you can look with fresh eyes at what you have, trusting that for this moment, you have what you need. Considering the long view keeps you from being led by your longings to a place that is worse than where you are—especially since “where you are” is never a fixed point. The truth is, “where you are” may be leading you to a goodness that you cannot yet see. The difficulty you may want to escape could be part of your journey in getting there.

The ability to reframe and view yourself in the middle of your story enables you to rest in what is, knowing that it is part of what is taking you to what we will be. Things are happening in you—and to you—and if you attempt to escape your circumstances, rather than live them, you may actually abort a process that could be bringing something wonderful into your life. Considering the fullness of your story strengthens your resolve to live your current chapter well, and in so doing you may discover you are on a road to getting more than you ever could have dreamed. This book contains several stories of people who illustrate this truth.

However, in the parts of our lives that hold long periods of darkness or disillusionment, we may need help acquiring a better view of our story. From listening to people in these chapters (as well as my own life), I have observed the tendency to get fixated on what is not there, and even though peering through a bakery window isn’t the best place to position ourselves when we feel starved, it is that view that tempts us most. During these seasons we need people around us to shift our focus and teach us to hold the things we want in their proper perspective. If we take a moment to look around us, there are people who can help us make this shift.

Those Who Direct Our Eyes

Over a span of thirty years, several mentors in my life taught me some vision principles that helped me form the lenses that shape this book. There are times when gaining perspective from someone you trust is wise; it helps you see things more accurately.

The first mentor I had was a woman named Gini. I lived with Gini in my midtwenties, when my college degree was becoming irrelevant to my career path, and the marriage I desired was nowhere in sight. We took walks together every morning, and she started each one with a ritual I was both irritated by and drawn to, but for some reason never forgot. “Thank you for legs that walk and arms that move,” she would call out to the air—and God—as we headed down the road. It felt so . . . trite. And obvious. And of course. Until her husband, who had MS, started to lose some of his verbal and motor skills. Suddenly, “legs that walk and arms that move,” and for that matter, “voices that speak,” become gifts.

I learned from Gini that I viewed many of my gifts as expectations. The only time I saw they were actually gifts was when they were taken away. One of the secrets of developing an accurate view is to train our eyes to see our gifts before they are taken away. Gini helped me train my eyes.

In my thirties there was Vivian. I lived with Vivian after I accepted a call to be the youth pastor at her church, and she and her husband “adopted” me as the daughter they never had. I was still single and longing to be married, and I remember envying the fact that Vivian’s eyes danced when her husband entered the room. A few years later, when Vivian’s husband was killed in a plane crash, she had to teach her eyes to dance for other things. Appreciating what she had, when she had it, equipped her with that ability.

Vivian taught me to live fully right “where you are,” even if that is a place you don’t want to be. She helped me see the joy in the good and recognize the value of the hard. Her dancing eyes in both seasons gave me that gift.

Live fully right “where you are,” even if that is a place you don’t want to be.

In my forties I met June. I had just ended a year and a half engagement and moved to Santa Barbara to work at Ocean Hills Church. June had a slight limp that came from a childhood bout with polio, and her mishandled illness could have paved the way to a bitter life. Instead, her life was anything but bitter; she managed to radiate joy to everyone she knew. The jewel June dropped into my life was to try to focus on others in the midst of unmet needs. She said, “When you feel sad, serve. By looking at others’ pain, you will see your own pain differently.” She was right. Unwanted singleness was my limp, and June taught me how to walk with it by putting my arms around others who limped too. By doing that, I found my limp to be less apparent.

There are others you will meet who have mentored my vision, but there is one more I must mention at the outset because of his particular influence on my perspective. He helped inspire the title of this book by showing me that it isn’t necessary for your condition to change in order to live a spectacular life. You just have to embrace your life for all it can be. And you do that by living fully with all that it is.

Born to a mother who died the day after he arrived, Chris was delivered as she slipped into a coma. He weighed two and a half pounds at birth. Because he was born with no vital signs, the doctor assumed he was dead. Chris was not dead, but he had severe disabilities.

Overwhelmed with grief, Chris’s dad solicited help from his in-laws, who eventually became Chris’s primary caretakers. A hardworking grandfather and an overbearing grandmother proved to be a winning combination for Chris to rise above his afflictions, but it was his introduction to faith that ultimately chartered his course. After inviting God into his life, he saw what God could do with it, and he became an inspiration to others simply by the way he lived. From navigating his travel, to cooking his food, to showing up at meetings, to communicating on the phone, from speaking at schools to deejaying events, Chris’s schedule continues to be filled with things you would imagine would be undoable for someone like him. And they would be for most people.

Chris shows us every day that life is not about what you have or don’t have, but how you live with what you’ve got. His body is bound to a wheelchair, his arms work part time, and his speech is slow and (when you are not listening carefully) incoherent. Yet in spite of these disabilities, I have seen him rappel through a rainforest, race in a half marathon, and run the soundboard at our church. A couple of years ago, Chris went on his first mission trip, and he volunteered at a school in Nicaragua for disabled kids. He quickly became the hero of Nicaraguan children who thought, prior to meeting him, that they would never leave their house. If someone like Chris could make it to Nicaragua, maybe they could make it down the street. Or into school. Or maybe even try a sport. Chris did not know any Spanish when he went on the trip, but he was the only one who did not need to. He proclaimed what was possible by the way he lived his life.

Chris is a testament to what can happen when we reframe what we have and see it for what all can be. Somewhere in that process we discover it is actually what we have that makes our life what it is.

The Secret

In 2006 a book titled The Secret swept the New York Times bestseller list and made Oprah Winfrey’s coveted list of must-read books. The message of the book is, You have the power to get what you want. Years before that, a prisoner from the New Testament wrote a letter that revealed another kind of secret: You have the power to want what you have.

This second “secret” audaciously proclaims that contentment can be found in any situation, right where you are. Here are the words of the prisoner’s claim: “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Phil 4:12).

Because these words were written in a prison cell, they carry a promise that transcends all circumstances. However, one word establishes a small condition to this claim. Paul had to learn the secret of contentment, partly because he was in a place of discontent, and being there pressed him to see his circumstances from a broader view. By pulling back and looking at his life from a wider perspective, Paul saw more than his circumstances presented him, and this allowed him to interpret and experience his circumstances differently. With the lens of the big view, Paul saw that his current circumstances were part of a larger story, and this gave him the resolve he needed to live every chapter well. And Paul shares in the next verse that God, who gave him his story, equipped him with strength for each circumstance he faced.

Seeing the broader view of his story also enabled Paul to notice things in his immediate surroundings that he might otherwise have missed. With the present view lens, Paul was able to find purpose right where he was, because he understood that he was where he was supposed to be. Whether he was in prison to influence the prison guards, fellow prisoners, or people who would read the letters his circumstances gave him time to write, Paul understood that what was happening was a crucial part of a story that was bigger than he could see.

Paul was also able to find contentment in every situation because he had an added spiritual lens that gave him the perspective that he was where God wanted him to be. The higher view lens helped him look at each chapter of his life with God’s purpose in mind and live each chapter with that conviction. Whether Paul was in plenty or in want, he found contentment in knowing that God had him there—and he trusted that God was working in him and through him in more ways than he could presently see.

By reframing his life in these ways, Paul was able to find peace and satisfaction in what was, instead of spending his days wishing for what could be. And looking back through the rear view lens added to his confidence and peace, because he could draw from God’s faithfulness behind him for the course that was ahead.

In this book, you will be invited to look at your life through these four lenses. You will get a multidimensional view of your life that will broaden—and sharpen—what you see. The big view lens will help you pull back and see the breadth and power of your life. The present view lens will bring new focus to what is in front of you and help you consider the weight each moment can bring. The rear view lens will bring clarity to how your past is affecting you and build your faith for what is ahead. And the higher view lens will deepen and expand your vision to look at what God wants you to see. My hope is that through these lenses, you will learn to embrace your life—the good, the bad, the hard, and the spectacular. And with the ability to reframe your life and see all that it already is, you may start to live it differently. That’s when changing nothing can change everything.

LENS 1

THE BIG VIEW

The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.

MARCEL PROUST, THE CAPTIVE

1

The Big Picture Changes the Small Picture

The year was 1995. I was a youth pastor at the time, and a movie was released that not only deeply inspired my calling, it had an impact on the way I viewed my life. Mr. Holland’s Opus was the story of a high school music teacher who once dreamed of being a famous composer. Like many nonfamous artists, Mr. Holland decided to teach classes “on the side” while he waited for the career that never opened up. Because he never achieved his goals, he ended up spending thirty years occupying a job he never desired to have. However, instead of letting himself settle for a career of lethargy, best symbolized by the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher (Wah-wah-wah), Mr. Holland breathed life into his students’ lives. He lived each day with passion and intention even though he was not where he had chosen to be.

Forced to retire early because of school budget problems, the last scene shows Mr. Holland quietly contemplating whether his life has been a waste. As he packs up his belongings, his wife and son arrive to lead him into the school auditorium where he is greeted by four hundred of his former students—now adults—who surprise him with a thunderous ovation. They have come to pay homage to the teacher who changed their lives.

At the end of the film, Mr. Holland was able to see the big picture of his life. It turns out it was not the goals he accomplished that made his life extraordinary—it was the way he had lived. When he entered the auditorium, Mr. Holland discovered that his life was part of a much bigger story, one that involved many other lives besides his own. By getting a glimpse of the broader impact of his life, Mr. Holland was able to see that his greatness was not determined by how big or small his part may have been, but by the way he played his part.

Though we are inspired by Mr. Holland, there are days when it is easy to become Charlie Brown’s teacher—particularly if our life is not turning out the way we imagined it would be. We can become disillusioned. Disengaged. Wah-wah-wah-ing through our days, hoping something will happen to change the trajectory of our life. But Mr. Holland’s Opus reveals the important truth that our life isn’t merely shaped by the things that happen to us, it’s also shaped by the way we live. We have a bigger impact on those around us than we may be able to see.

What we see in front of us is not always the full picture of what is happening because of us.

What we see in front of us is not always the full picture of what is happening because of us. Our lives are setting off a ripple effect beyond what we can see. We are not just influencing the future of people we know, we are also affecting the future of people we may never know. And if we look at the stories around us, we can see evidence everywhere of this truth.

Tracing the Source