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- Herausgeber: IVP Academic
- Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
- Sprache: Englisch
If you are a parent wrestling with God, you are not alone. When a child comes out as LGBTQ+, Christian parents often find themselves navigating unfamiliar, unsettling terrain. Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets, therapists and researchers with decades of experience, have written this book to provide perspective, insight, and the chance to learn from others who've shared a similar journey. Using data from studies of Christian parents of LGBTQ+ children, they deliver research-based insights and faithful wisdom that is accessible for parents, their friends, and church leaders. Yarhouse and Zaporozhets reframe the focus away from "culture war" questions that are not helpful to families in favor of practical counsel for maintaining and deepening relationships. Parents and the church leaders who care for them will benefit from understanding key developmental considerations among teenagers and emerging adults who are navigating questions around sexual and gender identity and faith. Identifying common patterns while acknowledging the uniqueness of each family, here is a book to guide parents in processing their own experiences, beliefs, and relationship with God. They will also discover techniques to reduce fear-based parenting choices and to express love, as the parent-child relationship continues to change and grow over time. Filled with stories, hard-won advice from Christian parents, and questions for reflection, When Children Come Out is an essential and hopeful resource.
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WHEN CHILDREN COME OUT
A GUIDE FOR CHRISTIAN PARENTS
CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
MANY RESEARCHERS HAVE BEEN INVOLVED in the projects we cite throughout this book. We wish to acknowledge in particular the work of Justin Sides, Melissa Campbell, Ashley Allen, Dara Houp, Kathryn Maslowe, and Tiffany Erspamer, who completed dissertations on the experiences of Christian parents. We also want recognize those who assisted with consensual qualitative analysis and other data analysis, including our former colleague, Elisabeth Suarez, as well as former students Julia Sadusky, Joshua Matlack, Heather Keefe, Seth Crocker, Carson Fuhrman, Chelsi Creech, Morgan Nicolas, Emma Bucher, Tranese Morgan, and Shane Ferrell. Students at the Sexual & Gender Identity Institute at Wheaton College who worked on our most recent surveys include Chuck Cruise, Kevin Biondolillo, Micaela Hardyman, Ashley Lewis, Anne Seibert, Ethan Martin, Nicholas Amitrano, and Matthew McRay. Students at the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity at Regent University who worked on our most recent surveys included Michael Haarer and Alex Newcomer. Our Sexual & Gender Identity Institute Fellows—Stephen Stratton, Janet Dean, and Julia Sadusky—continue to provide countless hours of consultation and feedback on original projects that inform this book through and through. We are also grateful to Greg Coles, who helped copyedit the early draft of this book, as well as to Jon Boyd, our editor at IVP Academic, for his editorial guidance throughout.
WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT AND WHY IT MATTERS, OR WHO WE ARE AND HOW TO READ THIS BOOK
PATIENCE AND LEONARD, parents of a teenage boy, recently sat down across from me at the end of a consultation. Leonard was staring straight ahead, showing little emotion. Patience said she was feeling tired and just overwhelmed by everything. Their son, Matthew, had come out as gay this past year, and they were feeling confused and unsure how to respond. Just before they came to our meeting, their son had said he no longer believed in God.
During the consultation, both parents shared how they responded when Matthew shared with them about his same-sex sexuality. Leonard had not really said anything. He had been quiet. In our meeting today, he shared that his silence was probably interpreted by Matthew as anger or even rejection. He wasn’t sure. They hadn’t discussed it. Patience had been in tears and just didn’t know what to say.
Since that time, they have been going over and over in their minds as many key moments in their parenting as they could recall. Decisions about playdates, clothing, family devotions, summer camp, sleepovers, taking a promotion, moving from one part of the state to another, and so much more—any decision that might provide a clue as to the origins of Matthew’s sexual orientation. In our time together we reflected on what it meant to them to identify a cause, to seemingly desire to take responsibility for their son’s sexuality so they could at least have an explanation for its existence. “It was me,” said Leonard. “I wasn’t there as much as I should have been. I know that’s what it is.”
I (Mark) was able to talk with them about what we know and do not know about the origins of same-sex sexuality or a homosexual orientation, and I listened to their concerns and fears while sharing my own view that I did not think they did anything or failed to do something that caused Matthew to experience same-sex sexuality. I shared with them that they are describing common parenting challenges and decisions but that I wanted to release them from what seemed like an indictment they were making against themselves. They hadn’t done anything to make Matthew gay. They hadn’t failed to do something that made Matthew gay.
But what we could put our energy toward today was being in a relationship with Matthew so that he would know they loved him and wanted to find ways to be a source of encouragement and support. With the recent news about Matthew’s faith, we discussed being in relationship with Matthew where their own authentic faith could motivate them to stay engaged and to model the love that God has for Matthew.
We wrote this book to offer Christian parents a research-informed understanding of what it’s like when a child like Matthew comes out. Christian parents don’t all share a single story, and we don’t mean to imply that they do by writing a book on the subject. Still, as we have listened to many Christian parents sharing from their hearts—and often through their tears—we have learned that these parents encounter many similar experiences. There are regrets, and there is hope. There are challenges, but there are also opportunities. In addition to helping parents be better informed and supported in their journeys, we want this book to help the church be better positioned as a resource to Christian parents navigating difficult terrain.
How is this book organized? We start with the moment of awareness, whether that comes from a child’s voluntary disclosure or a more accidental or unwanted discovery. From that point, parents begin to become aware they may need to seek help. They are also trying to find ways to maintain their relationship with their child, which can be strained. We then turn to a discussion of how the relationship with their child changes over time—what worsens initially but tends to get better over time. We then discuss how faith changes over time for Christian parents before covering what it means to come to terms with the reality of their child’s disclosure of same-sex sexuality or gender identity. Coming to terms with something happens at several levels of experience. We close the book by turning to the question of how the church could be supportive of Christian parents through this journey.
We wrote this book to offer Christian parents a research-informed understanding of what it’s like when a child comes out.
You will see at the end of each chapter two features. One is called “Advice from Christian Parents.” This is where we let other Christian parents who have been walking out this journey share from their own experience. They offer pearls of wisdom from their own life that may be especially helpful to you. The other special feature is “Your Turn.” This is an opportunity for you to process what you’ve read and apply it your circumstances. Every story is unique. Your story is unique. We want you to take what you are reading, have an opportunity to digest it, and see whether you can apply it to your circumstances in ways that are helpful to you.
We use the terms LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and other experiences) and gay throughout this book as umbrella terms for a larger constellation of experiences of same-sex sexuality of diverse gender identities. This is the language we saw in our transcribed interviews and the language of the children of the interviewed parents, and it seems fitting to use that language here. Of course, each person uses the language that best fits their experience and attributions about what same-sex sexuality or different gender identities mean to them, and we use excerpts from interviews that capture a range of expressions of identity.
In order to offer a research-informed perspective, we have drawn on the work of several research projects in writing this book. Our largest data source is a qualitative study of over two hundred Christian parents who had a child come out to them as LGBTQ+. This study was conducted by the Marin Foundation in Chicago. Laura Statesir was instrumental in that project. The Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity analyzed the study’s data at the request of the Marin Foundation’s president, Andrew Marin. That data was presented at several professional conferences, became the basis of nearly half a dozen dissertations, and was even published in peer-reviewed scientific journal articles. We cite these publications, presentations, and dissertations throughout this book. Although the Marin Foundation has since closed its doors, we continue to analyze the data we received from it, and Andrew Marin has given us permission to feature that data here.
In addition to discussing this large study, we also draw from three other data sources. First, we cite a study conducted through the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity and eventually published in the American Journal of Family Therapy.1 Second, we discuss findings from our quantitative study of 125 Christian parents who had a child come out to them as same-sex attracted, gender diverse, or LGBTQ+.2 Finally, we cite our study of 229 LGBTQ+ adults who had come out to Christian parents.3
Several Christian parents also contributed brief essays on some aspect of their experience of a child coming out to them as LGBTQ+. We want to thank Dave and Jean Coles, Greg and Lynn McDonald, and Barclay Jones (pseudonym) for their willingness to share their thoughts and experiences. Apart from these parents being named, all other names have been changed to protect the identities of family members. In several quotes that used the name of a son or daughter, we have replaced this name with the bracketed words “my son” or “my daughter.” Most of the book is geared toward parents of children who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or queer, but we offer breakout boxes in each chapter on some of the unique aspects of the topic covered in that chapter as it applies to parents of children who come out as transgender.
Both authors of this book have extensive experience working with individuals and families navigating sexual identity, gender identity, and religious faith. Mark Yarhouse is the Dr. Arthur P. Rech & Mrs. Jean May Rech Professor of Psychology at Wheaton College, where he directs the Sexual & Gender Identity Institute. For more than two decades, Mark has conducted research on and provided clinical services to individuals, couples, and families navigating conflicts between their sexual or gender identity and their religious identity.
Olya Zaporozhets is an associate professor in the School of Psychology and Counseling at Regent University. As director of research for the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity, she has overseen research on the experiences of Christian parents when their children come out to them as LGBTQ+. She is also actively involved with the international research community and edited a Russian edition of Sexuality and Sex Therapy: A Comprehensive Christian Appraisal (by Yarhouse and Tan). She has curated the counseling skills education and training of Ukrainian students in response to wartime needs.
Circling back to Patience, Leonard, and Matthew, I could visibly see the weight come off of both Patience and Leonard when they took in this new information—that they had not caused their son, Matthew, to experience same-sex attraction. Over the next few months, they seemed to have renewed energy that they could direct toward their relationship with Matthew. They began praying more about how to model Christ to their son and how to offer a consistent rhythm of daily faith, not that it was ever on display but just as a normal, organic expression of who they were.
These practices seemed to ground them more than create a change in Matthew. They had less fear. They began to ask Matthew better questions or prompts about his experiences, such as, “Tell us how you first became aware of your same-sex sexuality and how you made sense of it at the time.” Through coaching they received in counseling, they did not use these prompts to attempt to trick Matthew in any way. They did not critique what Matthew shared, nor did they defend other ways of thinking about his experiences. They listened. They expressed appreciation for what their son was willing to share. They kept as many points of contact open in their relationship, growing in confidence that their relationship would continue even as Matthew had more options to be on his own and outside their immediate influence.
This was not a quick turnaround. This was a slow process, like steering a heavy ship in deep water. By the way, it turned out that Matthew did still believe in God, but he didn’t connect with the people who represented God to him in ways that felt rejecting. He had his own journey of faith that he was on, and he was open to sharing more of that with his parents as they rebuilt their relationship with one another.
By the way, it turned out that Matthew did still believe in God.
This book examines the coming-out experience of LGBTQ+ people through the eyes of their Christian parents. However, we are not only concerned in this book with the experiences of those who come out; we also portray the journey that many Christian parents have undertaken with their child as they navigate both the initial coming out and the months and years that follow, as they enter into a new relationship with the child they love.4 We hope the information here will be of help to parents navigating similar terrain. We also hope that learning the experiences of Christian parents can help the church to offer a more nuanced ministry approach to parents and families in the coming years.
1
HOW PARENTS BECOME AWARE
Dear Mom and Dad,
I want to share something that has been hard for me to talk about with you. Since I first felt romantic feelings for others, which was about the time I went through puberty, I have been attracted more to girls than to boys. This is something I haven’t always understood or had any idea what to do about. It isn’t something that I chose to feel or that I’m choosing today to feel to upset you or make life more complicated. I’ve had these feelings for many years, and I have been trying to find a way to share what I’ve been feeling and thinking with you.
I’ve also struggled with shame for many years. I finally realized that I don’t have to be ashamed of something I didn’t choose. I also believe in my heart that God loves me.
You may be wondering about relationships, dating, and all of that. But that is not what this letter is about. To be honest, it’s an area that I am continuing to pray about and ask God about.
I know this is very different from what you may have known about growing up, and it may take time to process. I’m open to talking about this with you and answering questions you may have. I am sharing this part of my experience with different people in my life and at my own pace as I feel safe and comfortable. I just wanted to find the words to share this with you too. Our relationship matters to me, and that’s why I am taking this step to share more of myself with you. I am still the Lorelei I have always been, and I still love you both very much.
This letter from Lorelei, written when she was twenty-four years old, represents a first step many LGBTQ+ young people make to share more of themselves with their parents.
We understand that not every parent receives a letter as well-worded as this, and we recognize that the nature of a child’s initial coming out may very well set the stage for future experiences and dynamics. Also, complicating circumstances can add layers of complexity to the parent-child relationship.
There is no one coming-out experience shared by all parents, not even by all Christian parents. You and your family are on your journey.
At the same time, there is much to be gained from hearing the experiences of Christian parents such as Lorelei’s. You may benefit from knowing you are not alone and that other Christian parents have had similar experiences or asked similar questions or faced similar challenges. If you are the parent of an LGBTQ+ child—or the parent of a child who might someday disclose to you that they are LGBTQ+—some of the accounts offered in this book may not resonate with you, while others likely will. Even if something doesn’t match your experience, you still may benefit from reading how other Christian parents have responded, what their relationships looked like, how they responded to a different set of circumstances, and so on. Regardless, we believe that reading these accounts can help you as you face important decisions and wrestle with concerns unique to your own unfolding family story.
Much of the book will talk specifically about same-sex sexuality, and yet our findings are also relevant in many ways to LGBTQ+ experiences more broadly—and we make specific applications to gender identity (transgender and other diverse gender experiences) in each chapter. The rationale for this is that there is more research available on the experiences of parents of gay children than there is of parents of transgender children, and the primary conversations in the Christian community have been around same-sex sexuality and behavior. However, we do see growing awareness of and interest in gender identity, and we include the gender conversation as appropriate.
In this chapter, we will share with you the experiences of Christian parents as they first became aware of their child’s same-sex sexuality. We refer to this component of the parents’ journey as awareness. Subsequent chapters will consider other components of the journey: what it means for parents to simultaneously seek help and maintain their relationship with their child, how this relationship changes over time, how parents’ faith changed over time, and what it means for parents to come to terms with the reality of their child’s same-sex sexuality. Since awareness chronologically precedes these other components of the journey, we will begin there.
Awareness can come through disclosure, as when a child like Lorelei shares the reality of her same-sex sexuality with her parents. Disclosure might take the form of a letter, a conversation, or an answer to a question that’s been asked. Any context in which your child shares with you the reality of their sexuality is a form of disclosure. While some children may disclose their experience using only descriptive language—that is, by speaking of their attractions to the same sex—they will likely refer to themselves using a sexual identity label such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, bi-curious, asexual, or queer. A child might choose to disclose their sexuality to their parents after coming out to another individual who insists that the child tell their parents (or threatens to do so themselves). This circumstance is also a form of disclosure, but it differs from other forms of disclosure in that the timing of the disclosure might not be the child’s preferred timing.
Awareness can also come through discovery, as when parents discover that their child is gay without the child intending for them to know. Parents might stumble across pictures on social media or be told by a friend or family member. One mother we saw in our clinic confessed to going through her daughter’s bedroom when her daughter was at school and discovering her diary. The mother made the decision to read the diary, and that was how she learned about her daughter’s sexual identity. We do not recommend this kind of action, as it jeopardizes the trust you want to have as a parent with your child. Regardless of how discovery occurs, it is a very different experience of awareness from disclosure.
From the child’s perspective, disclosure is commonly referred to as “coming out,” a shortening of the phrase “coming out of the closet.” The image of the closet is an apt metaphor for many LGBTQ+ children, especially those in Christian settings. These children have often felt isolated from their parents, feeling the need to keep a part of their experience hidden away. Disclosure at the child’s own pace, at a time that feels safe, is very different from being forced to disclose—as when a family member or friend threatens to tell a child’s parents about the child’s sexuality if the child does not do so. And both of these forms of disclosure are very different from the experience of discovery, particularly if this discovery entails a breach of trust and privacy.
The process of disclosure to others typically begins with an LGBTQ+ person’s friends and peer group, often during adolescence. This is thought to be the safest group of people for most teens to disclose to. However, responses to coming out are quite variable, with racial and ethnic background sometimes playing a role. In a study by Aranda and colleagues, for instance, African American lesbians were less likely to disclose to a nonfamily member than were whites and Latinas in the study, suggesting that comfort levels among different groups may vary for reasons not yet fully understood.1
In the most typical coming-out progression, after telling one or two friends, an LGBTQ+ person discloses to more friends, and word spreads to the rest of their peer group. After friends and peers, the person they are most likely to come out to next is a sibling, then their mother, and finally their father.2 We found this pattern to be true in a recent study of Christians who have come out to their parents.3 Fathers need not feel offended if they are the last to know about their child being gay; it appears to be a common experience. Perhaps in some families there is something about being a father that represents a more daunting task. We don’t know. There are exceptions to this pattern, of course, and it applies only to controlled disclosure of a person’s same-sex sexuality, not to discovery of their sexuality by others. Christians who come out are also likely to disclose their sexuality to youth ministers, who in the typical coming-out chronology fall between friends and siblings. These youth ministers seem to provide another layer of anticipated safety for some teens along the journey of eventual disclosure to their family.
In our most recent study in which 125 Christian parents reflected on their experience of a child coming out to them, about half (49%) suspected their loved one was gay before their child came out to them, while 51% had no idea. One parent who had suspicions shared, “Over the years I had wondered if he might be gay because of some effeminate behaviors and his lack of interest in dating during his teens.” Another parent shared, “He had dropped some hints, but I didn’t respond to them, hoping I was misreading him.”4
Among those who had no idea their child was gay, one mother shared, “There was absolutely no indication that either I or my husband ever noticed.” Another parent shared, “I just never saw it. She was focused on college and really didn’t have time to date. I felt she was just waiting for the right guy to come along.”
Coming out occurs in the social and cultural context not only of family but also of race, ethnicity, kinship networks, and (for many) a religious faith community. Differences among these contexts can contribute to very different experiences when coming out. For example, in a study of gay youth, Black youth reported increased discomfort coming out compared to White youth, and Black and Latino youth disclosed to fewer people than did White youth.5
The coming-out literature is layered with complexity that we want to keep in mind as we think about how a Christian parent responds to their child’s disclosure as gay.
Before we discuss reactions to coming out, we want to introduce a diagram that will help us locate various ministry considerations throughout the book (see fig. 1.1). What we illustrate here is that, after parents become aware of their child’s same-sex sexuality, whether via disclosure or via discovery, two parallel journeys occur. One is the journey of the child who has come out or is navigating sexual identity questions; the other is the journey of the parents, who are now aware of their child’s same-sex sexuality. We will look in subsequent chapters at how this relationship changes over time. These two journeys are not always best conceptualized as completely separate, but there are ways in which they each have their own terrain to navigate, as we shall see.
Two parallel journeys occur: the child’s and the parents’.
REACTIONS TO COMING OUT
Most parents are uncertain how to react when a child comes out to them. Parents report a wide variety of emotional responses, many of which can be quite negative, such as shock, grief or loss, guilt, shame, anger, emotional withdrawal, and even verbal and emotional abuse.6 This means that just about anything can happen, and you can play a role in how your story turns out. Support and acceptance are also reported, but less frequently. As you will hear from parents who have gone through this before you, you have an opportunity to rise to the occasion.
Figure 1.1. Two parallel journeys
A vertical sign on the left reads, Awareness: Disclosure/Discovery. Perpendicular to this sign are two others on the right. The one on top reads, Child Navigating Sexual or Gender Identity. The bottom reads, Parents Navigating Terrain Post-Awareness.
These initial reactions by parents are frequently followed by a period of distress and finding ways to cope or adjust to the news they have just received.7 We will return to parents’ coping responses in chapter two. For now, we want to focus on parents’ initial reactions, specifically the experiences of Christian parents.
While every parental response is complex and individual, it can be helpful to broadly classify parental reactions as either positive or negative. Psychologists tend to classify reactions this way—as positive or negative—to people you understand that their reactions matter. They can move toward something constructive (of emotional health and well-being), or they can move away from that toward something that can be destructive (of emotional health and well-being). Don’t confuse “positive” and “negative” with “affirming” and “nonaffirming”; those are going to be different issues with some overlap, of course, but we are talking primarily about the impact on health and relationship. Some studies find that about half of parents respond positively to their child’s coming out (by demonstrating support, for example), while the other half of parents respond negatively (through behaviors such as verbal harassment or worse).8
In one of our recent studies of Christian college students who came out to their parents, about 24% described coming out to parents in strongly positive terms, 28% in strongly negative terms, and 44% in a mixture of positive and negative terms.9 One student who experienced a mixture of positive and negative responses when disclosing their sexuality to their mother wrote, “There were positives and negatives. . . . It was very much okay . . . but we’re not going to deal with it. . . . She never brought it up again.”10
What internal reactions do parents experience as they respond externally in positive or negative ways to their LGBTQ+ children? We found in one study of Christian parents that grief and shame were very common experiences.11 Indeed, religious commitment and grief were highly correlated. Perhaps more encouraging is the research suggesting that many parents typically experience positive growth after the disclosure, and most parents grow more accepting of the circumstances their family faces and of their child over time.12
What contributes to some parents’ reactions? Other research has focused on variables that commonly underlie parental reactions to their child’s coming out. Family, religious, and cultural values are all associated with parental reactions.13 What we found in one of our earliest studies of Christian parents was that their responses were related to their Christian worldview, a sense of ambiguous loss, emotional distress, and also unique situational stressors.14 What do we mean by each of these terms?
Christian parents have much in common with nonreligious parents, but one thing that stands out in some studies is what we refer to as a “worldview” response. A worldview is the sum of assumptions a person holds about what is true, and a Christian often holds a distinct worldview that undergirds and organizes their beliefs, values, strivings, and other considerations. Beliefs about what is right and wrong, about morality and sexual behavior, about what God provision for a person, and other things like these would be a part of this response. Worldview can interact with and be expressed in relation to other aspects of parents, such as differing ethnic and racial backgrounds.15
Parents also reported ambiguous loss and emotional distress. Ambiguous loss is more of a free-floating sense of something not being the way a parent thought it would be. If you are a parent who feels a sense of loss but doesn’t know quite where to pin that loss or where to locate that loss, that’s what we are talking about here. It is a vague sense of loss that isn’t so much directed at your child or at God or at anyone in particular, which can sometimes make it hard to name and hard to work through.
Emotional distress would be tied to largely negative emotions. These might include ambiguous loss but would also involve common feelings of confusion, anger, frustration, guilt, and so on. Situational stressors just refer to unique situations that will vary from parent to parent. One set of parents will learn that their child is gay, while another set of parents will learn that their child is gay and sexually active. Or one set of parents finds out their child identifies as transgender, while another set of parents find out their child is transgender and now insists on the use of cross-sex hormones. The situation is different and creates additional stress. These are what we refer to as situational stressors.
There are additional considerations discussed in the literature. Two variables that make parents more likely to respond positively to a child who comes out are (1) education about sexual identity and orientation, and (2) previous contact with sexual minorities or the LGBTQ+ community through extended family, friends, and coworkers. Conversely, parents are more likely to respond negatively if they have had little exposure to LGBTQ+ individuals and communities or if they have strongly ingrained stereotypes.16 A practical implication of this is that it really is worth learning all you can about the issues—as you are doing in part by reading this book.
Other variables that influence parental response include the nature of the information shared by the child (for example, if they are in a relationship), the method through which parents become aware of the fact that their child is LGBTQ+ (that is, whether they learn through disclosure or discovery), and the sex of both parent and child.17
How thoughts are tied to feelings. Some research suggests that parents may have specific cognitions (or what you might think of as mental actions, thoughts) that affect their reactions.18 These thoughts include concern for their child, whether their child is abnormal, whether their child will change, and what their child’s future might look like. Parents may blame themselves, or they may have a sense of pride in who their child is.
Here are common thoughts held by parents at the time of disclosure:19
■ concerns tied to safety, negative social attitudes, prejudice, and harassment
■ concern for the future and worry that their child will have a harder life (being lonely or unhappy)
■ concern that their child will not have children, meaning that the parent will not have grandchildren
■ self-blame and belief that they have failed as parents
Other research, ours included, suggests at least two additional beliefs may be common among religious parents, making them especially important for this book:
■ concern that their child will lose their religious faith
■ conflict between the parents’ love of their child and their religious beliefs and values
In our own analysis of data from more than two hundred Christian parents who had a child come out to them as gay, we noted several themes. Some of these themes are reflected in the broader literature about parents, while other themes seem to be more prominent among Christian parents or more closely tied to the Christian beliefs and values held by Christian parents.
JEAN COLES ON HER FIRST AWARENESS OF HER SON’S SAME-SEX SEXUALITY
Greg came out to us when he was twenty-five years old. I wasn’t totally surprised. Occasionally throughout his life, I’d wondered if he might be gay. At the same time, I’d assumed that he was straight. And I’d prayed that being gay wouldn’t be something he would have to deal with. It seemed to often be a life filled with angst, loneliness, and hardship, as well as ostracism and unfilled desire. And that’s for those who choose not to act on their desires! I was sad to learn that this road was one he would have to walk, but confident that God was in this and would walk it with him.
When he told us, we were quick to listen and affirm our love for him. We also asked questions, seeking to understand his journey and help him feel loved and accepted. We let him know that he didn’t need to answer our questions unless he wanted to (which he did). I told him that I would be praying three things for him: to always (1) have healthy belonging with godly intimacy, (2) use his gifts without hindrance, and (3) not experience unhealthy shame.
Additional Christian considerations. One of the most frequent (and perhaps most obvious) concerns Christian parents reported had to do with whether homosexuality is sinful. A second closely related concern was the question about what their child’s homosexuality meant for the child’s relationship with God. These questions are often multilayered, in large part because the term homosexuality can refer either to same-sex attractions or to same-sex sexual behavior. Some parents were concerned only with the sinfulness of same-sex sexual behavior. These parents might not have viewed same-sex attractions as “good,” but they did not view such attractions as morally impermissible in the same way they viewed same-sex sexual behavior as sinful. They saw attractions distinct from behavior. For other parents, both attractions and behavior were considered sin. Still other parents did not view homosexual attractions or homosexual behavior as sin, or they were questioning those beliefs.
Among those parents who considered homosexual attraction or homosexual behavior sinful, some viewed that sin as no different from any other sin. Other parents viewed homosexuality as uniquely sinful, putting their child at spiritual risk in a way other sins might not do and threatening the child’s salvation.
One Christian parent we interviewed shared the following response to her daughter’s coming out. Her recollection captures both the love she expressed toward her daughter and her beliefs about what God thought: “Basically, I remember it was just like putting a knife through my heart. I remember crying a little bit. I told her that she was my daughter and that I would always love her, but I did not personally believe this was what God would want for her and I did not want this to come between us.”20 This kind of response may also confuse a parent’s questions about what choices their child has made to be gay. We believe it is important for parents to give careful thought to what is volitional—that is, what their child has say over. In our experience, people do not choose to experience same-sex attractions. Rather, teens who may later identify as gay typically find themselves experiencing same-sex attractions when they go through puberty. When parents talk to their child about what God may want for the child, it is important not to frame this conversation in a way that suggests the child chose to experience their attractions. Parents sometimes respond to their child’s coming out by expressing concern over a choice the child is making in contradiction to God’s best for them. Such a response is often quickly rejected by the child—whose attractions usually developed unchosen during puberty—and will create a wider divide in any effort to convey respect for the child or to achieve mutual understanding.
The belief that homosexuality (whether simply same-sex sexual behavior or same-sex attraction as well) is a sin can also be related to beliefs about how best to respond to a child. A common theme among Christian parents is the belief that same-sex attraction can or should be changed. Some parents considered ministry or counseling efforts to facilitate change, while others spoke of their child’s attractions as a possible phase that the child needed to grow out of or as some sort of confusion on the child’s part. Regarding counseling efforts, one parent said it this way:
