Work Makes Me Nervous E-Book

Jonathan Berent

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 381

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

A proven therapeutic method that channels workplace anxiety into powerful, confident performance Millions of people are afraid of work. The situations they fear may be different-public speaking (e.g., presentations and speeches), meetings, conference calls, new assignments, performance reviews, promotions or praise, client consultations, team projects, and so on. But the feeling is often the same: some combination of obsessive worry, fear of being noticeably nervous, clammy hands, racing thoughts, sweating, blushing, heart palpitations, trouble breathing, and more. That feeling is called "workplace anxiety." And Work Makes Me Nervous is the cure. An effective self-empowerment training program, Work Makes Me Nervous lays out a proven therapeutic method for dismantling the wall between you and your ability to excel at work. The program trains you to: * Channel workplace anxiety into powerful performance * Identify anxiety symptoms and pinpoint where fears originate * Achieve a High Performance Mind through a technique called Mind States Balance * Abandon fear and ride the wave of adrenaline through every work situation Filled with real stories of real people and a 21-day developmental program of practical exercises and effective stress-management techniques, Work Makes Me Nervous will enable you to finally say, "I can handle whatever situations come my way."

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

PREFACE

Ten Thousand Voices

A Life in Hiding

CHAPTER 1 - The Real Story of Anxiety at Work

A Life-Changing Journey

Your Most Valuable Asset

Cold Hands, Warm Hands

The Physiology of Performance

Biofeedback Lesson Number One: Awareness

The Many Faces of Workplace Anxiety

Celebrities Suffer, Too

Drugs and Anxiety

Selective Mutism

Would You Like to Cut Your Nerves?

Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite

Productive Therapy

Time to Focus: The 10 Key Points for Using This Book

Fight or Flight . . . or Focus?

The Five-Step Adrenaline Control Technique

Realistic Expectations

Diaphragmatic Breathing

Breathing Basics

About Tuning In: Your Feelings A to Z

CHAPTER 2 - Diagnose Yourself and Create Your Map for Change

About the Awareness Technique

Attachment, Detachment, and Avoidance

Hand Temperature and Attachment

Technology and Avoidance

A Story of Avoidance

Recognizing Your Own Detachment

“You Are as Sick as Your Secrets”

Physical Anxiety Profile

Mental Anxiety Profile

Avoidance Profile

The “I Don’t Know” Disease

Dependence Profile

Self-Esteem

The True Definition of Success

CHAPTER 3 - Understanding Your Five Mind States

Know Your Own Mind: Naming the Five Mind States

Understanding the Mind States Graphs

Nurturing Parent

The Clenched Fist Exercise

Your Critical Parent Mind State

Adult

Being Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

Breathing Exercise

The Adapted Child

Historical Link Exercise

Natural Child

Image Preparation Exercise

CHAPTER 4 - Balancing Your Mind States for a High Performance Mind

Everything Starts with a Thought . . .

Nurturing Parent

Results

Adult

Heaviness Exercise

Projection

The Natural Child

The Five-Step Adrenaline Control Technique and Mind States

Hyper Vigilance

The Critical Parent-Adapted Child Adrenaline Reflex

Opie and Anthony: A Performance Ambush

Create Your Behavioral Hierarchy

Imagery Exercise

CHAPTER 5 - The Positive Power of Stress: Make It Work for You

There Is No Stress-Free Life

Give Up Believing You Have Control Over Everything

Avoidance Harms Self-Esteem

On the Edge of Your Seat

Attach and Connect

Pay Attention Here: This Is the Gold

The Five-Minute Integrated Biofeedback Exercise

Letting Go

A Magic Trick

“It’s Scary at the Office”

The Boss Factor

Entrepreneurs and Mind States Balance

You Can Change Yourself, But You Can’t Change Your Boss or Co-Workers

Invoking the ADA: A Lawyer’s Perspective

How the ADA Can Help You Work This Program

Panic Control

In Touch with Your Panic

Stress Reinterpretation Exercise

Type A or Type B?

Time Urgency: The Type A Personality

Skin Resistance

Quieting Response Exercise

I Gave You the Gold, Now Here Is the Platinum

CHAPTER 6 - Going Deeper

So How Long Will It Take?

An Embarrassment Challenge Exercise

Where Anxiety Begins

Don’t Try Too Hard

The Unconscious Mind

Back to Dr. Sarnow

Anger Is for Real

Can’t Get It Out of Your Mind?

Time to Take the Plunge

Daily Attachment Exercise

Nurturing Attachment Exercise

Anger Under the Microscope

The Critical Script and Anger

The Natural Child and Anger

Embarrassment . . . or Death?

Embarrassment-Logic Exercise

Going Even Deeper

Narcissism, Avoidance, and Anxiety

Some Words of Encouragement

CHAPTER 7 - The Healthy Brain: “The Hardware of the Soul”

Looking at the Brain

Get Moving: Aerobic Exercise for Your Brain

The Blood Flow Image Exercise

A Good Night’s Sleep

You Are What You Eat: Food and Emotional States

Smoking and Stress

Self-Medicating with Alcohol

A Medical Perspective on Alcohol

My Perspective on Alcohol

In Consideration of Marijuana

Chemical Imbalance

Natural Pharmacology for Anxiety Treatment

My Take on Pharmaceuticals

Better Living through Chemistry?

A Physician’s Perspective

Healthy Brain Action Plan

CHAPTER 8 - Speak Up: How to Control Your Public Speaking Anxiety

The Number One Business Skill . . . and the Number One Fear!

Why Is “Speaking Up” So Important?

Picture Yourself . . .

The Role of Anger in Public Speaking Anxiety

Become an Exceptional Presenter

The Monologue

Preparation Tips to Try

Presentation Tips to Try

Controlling the Critical Script

Selective Mutism and Public Speaking

An Example of a Challenge Hierarchy

Natural Child Development

Internal Awareness Exercise

Types of Intelligence

Toastmasters and Your Hierarchy of Challenges

An Advanced Toastmasters Technique

Public Speaking Empowerment Exercise

CHAPTER 9 - You Don’t Need Nerves of Steel: You just Need an Attitude Adjustment

Your Positive History

Get Back on the Horse

Your Mind States Toolbox

You Didn’t Ignore It

Competitive Advantage

BIBLIOGRAPHY

INDEX

Copyright © 2010 by Jonathan Berent. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey. Published simultaneously in Canada.

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For Barbara, Momo, and the creative pursuit of family

—Jonathan Berent

For Robert Emery and Mary Shemo, with gratitude

—Amy Lemley

PREFACE

The Truth from Two Perspectives

Destiny. Kismet. Beshert. Throughout the world’s cultures, there are words to describe the notion of fate—something that was simply meant to be. Our chance meeting on a community basketball court 20 years ago led to our writing this book together—one of us a psychotherapist and one of us a person who suffers from anxiety and avoidance. These two perspectives combine in a unique way to present the full spectrum of affliction and recovery. That is our commitment to this project—and our commitment to our readers.

—Jonathan Berent, L.C.S.W., and Amy Lemley

Ten Thousand Voices

In 1976, fresh out of graduate school in psychology, I was working as a youth counselor in a community center. An associate of mine had an idea: Establish a socialization program for teenagers with learning disabilities. A socialization program? Learning disabilities? I had no idea what she was talking about. Nevertheless, we embarked on this endeavor. I would interview applicants prior to their starting the program. A high percentage of the teenagers would not come to the group after the initial interview. What was this about? This was fate introducing me to social anxiety a long time before the term gained widespread attention. Shortly after I held this position, I started my own psychotherapy practice. From the beginning, I was working with stress-related disorders and biofeedback. This evolved into the specialty of social anxiety and performance anxiety and related issues.

Since 1977, I have treated approximately 10,000 people of all ages in individual, group, and family therapy. My clients with workplace anxiety have included C-suite executives, middle managers, and entry-level employees, bankers, salespeople, engineers, entrepreneurs, teachers, principals, professors, performers, scientists, artists, athletes—and more. As for results, I have seen it all, from a total cure to the problem being permanent and everything in between. I have served as a stress management consultant to numerous corporations and organizations including NBC, United Federation of Teachers, Technicon Science Center, Bloomingdale’s, and Bankers Trust. I have worked with special needs groups also and have established a number of socialization programs for them. In addition, in 1988, I was feeling compelled to educate the community about the little-known problem of social anxiety and I embarked on a public relations campaign. Since that time, I have done more than 1,500 radio and television shows, from Oprah to Opie & Anthony. I have experienced my own dramatic learning curve with performance issues—on the front line.

My work as a psychotherapist began on a different kind of front line. I started graduate school in clinical social work in 1973. All the classes were conducted in a circle discussion group. I was new to the field of psychotherapy and experienced substantial intimidation. I worried about what I would say in class. What would the others think of me? This was not an anxiety disorder, however, but a lack of confidence.

Internships are an integral part of the graduate educational experience. My first placement was rather benign, a community center. For my second, I asked for, and received, placement as a counselor in a correctional institution. At this time in my life, I was somewhat naïve—some of my primary motivators were exploration and creativity. Later in this book, you will learn about this aspect of the personality as the “natural child mind state,” which can be a wonderful, inspiring, and freeing part of yourself when correctly balanced with the other mind states you will learn about.

I had no idea what I was getting into. I found myself working in a halfway house in the Bronx, New York. My clientele consisted of adolescents who had committed serious crimes. There were 12 kids in this halfway house—50 percent of whom were there for homicide. All the residents were black or Hispanic.

I was able to develop a few relationships with clients because there was a basketball court across the street. It was a pretty wild scene, playing in this drug-infested playground. There was a pool table in the basement of the house, around which we had some interesting conversations. I recall one 16-year-old saying matter-of-factly, “I feel sorry for that woman”—“that woman” being the victim he had shot in the head and killed. At one point, one of the clients went AWOL and returned with a gun, intending to kill the resident social worker. It was then that my university took me out of this placement. I finished my internship in an elementary school in Brooklyn.

The halfway house internship was a tremendous learning opportunity for me—a multimillion-dollar educational experience, in my view—because nothing that I would ever do professionally could be as scary. I do remember feeling some anxiety at night at home, sometimes saying to myself, “I can’t believe I have to go there tomorrow!” In addition to learning that rehabilitation with this clientele was a near impossibility, I also learned that anxiety is a relative phenomenon. The more I dealt with it, the easier it became to deal with. This was true for me, and I could see that it was true for others as well. At some point I began to realize, almost unconsciously, that my professional destiny was to work with anxiety.

What dramatic irony that I met Amy Lemley—a gifted writer with anxiety and avoidant personality! We wrote our first book together in 1992: Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties. Almost 20 years later, we are working together again on a topic about which both of us are experts, though from different perspectives.

I met Amy in 1988 in East Hampton, New York. Her thenboyfriend, who also happened to be a writer, and I were involved in a regular basketball game. He introduced me to Amy, who was working as a freelance journalist and editor, and soon we were collaborating on our first book. Amy is a seasoned professional with 26 years of experience in all facets of writing—books, magazine and newspaper articles, plus columns, newsletters, Web sites, and marketing and advertising. Most people who know her do not realize that she has suffered from a little understood but extremely pervasive, almost epidemic, problem called avoidant personality disorder. This problem is caused by anxiety. Although she still confronts her natural tendency to avoid situations that might make her anxious, Amy has recovered from her addiction to avoidance (yes, addiction—more on this later in the book).

Very little is written about the avoidant personality. But in this book, as I discuss anxiety and avoidance from a clinical perspective, Amy tells her own story—the good, the bad, and the ugly along with the triumphs that have made her a success. She summarizes her experiences in the following section of this Preface. I see Amy as a role model for those who say what she says: “Work makes me nervous.”

—Jonathan Berent, L.C.S.W. East Hampton, New York

A Life in Hiding

I have spent most of my life feeling like a fraud. If people really knew me, I believed, they would think so little of me that I would face rejection constantly. My public persona has almost always been that of an outgoing, vivacious, engaging, and confident person. But I hid a terrible secret: I was anxious, avoidant, selfish, and passive-aggressive. This was true even in childhood. Here’s how a first grader practices avoidance: At age seven, I was already using a sixth-grade English textbook and loved doing my “language arts” homework each day; but I avoided doing my math workbook for months, hiding my lack of ability (and therefore interest) in that subject. When my parents found out, they kept me home for two days and made me complete months of work to catch up. I managed to do it—and that may have been the first deadline rush I’d ever encountered; I had gotten away with something—avoiding my assignment, denying to myself that it mattered, and coming through in the nick of time with a selfish attitude of “I’ll do it my way and you’re gonna like it.”

Much later in life, I continued with a pattern of last-minute work, missed deadlines, and a tendency to arrive late or screen my phone calls. As one friend says, sometimes my “screen just went dark,” and I fell out of communication in a way that cost me freelance assignments and friendships. Avoidance is no way to live—despite the many justifications an avoidant person will offer.

As you can imagine, it is a big, big (BIG!) deal for a person with anxiety around the issues of work and socializing to state those things so plainly. But when I committed to co-writing this book, I promised to share the whole truth about my work-related anxiety, even though that truth is not always pretty. I have worked Jonathan Berent’s program since we met and started collaborating in 1989, and my journey away from avoidance is the journey you will now undertake. In sharing my struggles—my losses from and triumphs over workplace anxiety—I intend to serve as your fellow traveler, your trusted ally, and, at times, your role model for fighting the time-wasting, esteem-robbing, job-risking problem of the avoidance-to-anxiety-to-avoidance-to-anxiety game. And it is a game: Somewhere along the way, without even knowing it, you and I came up with this game of stimulus, response, and retreat. There are short-term prizes—avoiding that which makes us nervous provides relief from physical symptoms such as blushing, sweating, heart palpitations, and a break from the obsessive self-doubt that preoccupies us. If we hide out, if we avoid, then we can escape our own destructive thought patterns: “They can tell I’m nervous.” “I shouldn’t have said that.” “I am not qualified/welcome/intelligent/respected/valued.”

The short-term prizes come with harsh penalties, however—penalties that rob us of time, energy, relationships, income, self-expression, fulfillment, and even health. I suspect it’s possible that this kind of negative stress could take years off our lives—it certainly feels like it when I have symptoms resembling a heart attack or pinched nerve. It certainly feels like it when someone’s gastrointestinal problems are so intense that he seeks medical help. It definitely feels like it when a full-blown panic attack spurs thoughts of “I’m going to die!”

Those are the things workplace anxiety sufferers have in common. Our stories may be diverse—but all of us have the same fear of being noticeably nervous. Despite that often crippling anxiety, many anxiety sufferers achieve great things professionally. Throughout the writing of this book, I was astonished at how many times Jonathan told me about clients whose salaries were in the six figures—managers, vice presidents, C-suite overachievers. Yet these men and women had anxiety problems so severe that their jobs were in jeopardy. Of course, there are others who have stayed in lower-paying, lower-stress jobs to avoid the situations that make them nervous; perhaps the skill or talent was there, but the fear of scrutiny was too great.

There are, of course, a great many of us, myself included, who fall somewhere in between. I have made my living as a writer for 26 years. I am the co-author of six (now seven) books. I have been the editor-in-chief of newsletters and magazines. I have had my own weekly newspaper column. My work has appeared in Newsweek and Reader’s Digest. Yet when my anxiety/avoidance takes hold, I feel incompetent, disrespected—not taken seriously (and that may well be an accurate assessment of how people are feeling about me in that moment, given how anxiety sometimes causes me to behave).

My reaction to anxiety is to retreat, to “go to ground” like a hunted animal. As my friend told me, my screen goes dark. The truth is, even during times of low stress, it is my default to avoid. I avoid communicating in person or on the phone. I seriously considered recording a voice mail greeting instructing people to e-mail rather than leave a message.

Still, I have had a successful career despite these challenges. When I “tune in” (a prompt you will recognize throughout this book), I am able to engage Jonathan’s training to halt anxiety in its tracks. I am able to stop my negative “internal script” (that loop tape in my head that repeats an endless litany of cautions, admonishments, and insults). I am able to focus on, even welcome, the flow of adrenaline that comes from any deadline, arrives before any presentation, shows up before any performance. I remind myself that not all stress is bad stress. A starter pistol is not designed to kill. It’s a signal to do what you do best, to do what you were born to do, to give it your all because you said you would. When I come from that place, my life is rich, fulfilling, joyful, and free. It is my heartfelt wish that this book gives you the same richness, fulfillment, joy, and freedom.

—Amy Lemley Charlottesville, Virginia

CHAPTER1

The Real Story of Anxiety at Work

“I love brainstorming! Nothing energizes me more than being in a roomful of people calling out ideas—even silly ones.”

“If I don’t understand something, I ask. There are no stupid questions. Other people are probably wondering the same thing.”

“I prefer to do business face to face. The personal touch is always better.”

Yeah, right. Sure, there may be millions of people in millions of workplaces out there who would agree with these statements. But not you. Not if work makes you nervous. Brainstorming sessions may cause you to snap shut like a clam, hoping no one will ask you to even give an opinion on someone else’s idea, let alone offer one of your own. Asking a question—any question—is too great a risk to take: Surely everyone else knows the answer, or somebody else would be asking. As for doing business face-to-face—well, e-mail, instant messaging, and texting have made that kind of personal contact a thing of the past (and are far more appealing to workplace anxiety sufferers than speaker phones, teleconferencing, and webcams). Recent surveys show that text-messaging is most people’s primary—and preferred—way of communicating. Unfortunately, these technological “advances” only enable avoidant behavior—and suck the life out of social skills development for those who are most at risk of workplace and social anxiety. Meeting face-to-face is not just old-fashioned; if you are nervous at work, it feels nothing short of dangerous. What if they see you blush bright red the minute somebody says your name? What if they notice your excessive sweating as you try to explain your concept? What if your mind goes blank and you can’t even think of a concept?

So many “What Ifs.” Here’s another one: What if you could live the rest of your life and career free of these fears? Free of these symptoms? Free to express yourself fully and be as successful as you can be?

You can. You will. Here’s how: Take this book on as your personal coaching system. Commit to spending 21 days working through it the first time, and refer to it regularly as part of your maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Do that, and you will conquer your nervousness at work. I have developed this program during 30 years of working with literally thousands of people at all levels of career success. These clients have included:

• New college grads whose fear of going blank at job interviews was keeping them from entering the job market.

• Seasoned executives with six- or seven-figure incomes, who were ready to give up rather than speak at regional trade shows and have the world see that they blush, twitch, stammer, stutter, mumble, or sweat profusely.

• Non-native speakers of English stunned into selective mutism out of fear that their accents are too thick or they might misuse an English word.

• IT geniuses who refused lucrative promotions if they required interaction with the public because doing so caused them facial tics, muscle twitching, or nausea.

I have thousands of stories about people who were cured, those whose problems turned out to be permanent, and those who fell somewhere in the middle. You can learn from them all. Of course, to protect these people’s privacy, all names and identifying details have been changed. But the stories are true. Throughout this book, you will meet people who suffered silently, believing they had a permanent character flaw, men and women who actually considered having surgery to cut the facial nerves that cause blushing and sweating! And these people triumphed over the workplace anxiety that had made them miserable, scared, even sick, for years and years. Tom is a good example.

To hear Tom talk about his struggle and his triumph, visit www.socialanxiety.com and select “Tom: Senior Executive of Billion-Dollar Company—Public Speaking Anxiety Resolved.” Tom’s 10-minute audio interview is part of a library of 40 interviews with real clients. Other audio interview subjects will be identified throughout this book.

By the time Tom had reached his mid-40s, he was the picture of success: This happily married father of two was a vice president of a large engineering development company. Those who knew him respected him for his past careers, first in the military police and later as a semi-pro football player. But his game face had long since disappeared.

His first panic attack occurred during a very important meeting with his fellow members of the senior management team. By then, Tom was a seasoned executive and felt completely confident about the presentation he had taken a week to prepare. Laptop at the ready, PowerPoint slides prepared, he ran through his report in his mind while the other managers took their turns. He stood to make his presentation, and it went according to plan. Then the unthinkable happened.

“Tom, where do Steve’s figures fit into your survey results?”

In that moment, Tom’s mind went blank. He had no answer. His presentation—and his entire focus for the weeks leading up to it—had centered on one and only one way of thinking. Now, his boss was asking him to think outside the box. Tom could not rely on the script he had prepared. His singular focus had made his thinking too rigid. Tom had a panic attack—his first one ever—and that single incident caused him to develop extreme anxiety at work. This was far more than a loss of confidence; it was a traumatic event that Tom will never forget.

“I found myself unable to even talk,” he recalls. “I was so sure everyone was looking at me and thinking, ‘What’s wrong with this guy?’ But I couldn’t help it; I got up and walked out. I thought it was the end of the world.” It was a twenty-first-century executive’s version of “fight or flight.” And Tom chose flight. He became obsessed by what happened and did whatever he could to avoid attending meetings. Yet he discussed it with no one. Ashamed of his problem, he says he “tried everything,” turning to the Internet to read articles with names like “Top 10 Ways to Beat Stage Fright” and “Become a Better Public Speaker.” But nothing worked. “There was something inside me,” he says. “I decided I had been born with it. There was nothing to do.”

Born with it. Nothing to do. Those beliefs are all too common among people who suffer from anxiety related to work. When Tom came to me, however, I let him know there was hope. More than hope: There was a cure.

A Life-Changing Journey

As you begin your own journey to recovery from workplace anxiety, it is important to know the four essential steps you must take.

1. Clarify your motivation. Consider why you want to change. Preserving your job? Finding a new one? Improving your health?

2. Diagnose your particular anxiety symptoms and use them to create a map for change. We will guide you through numerous exercises that train you to recognize your own symptoms and stressors and create a proactive recovery plan.

3. Develop a High Performance Mind. A High Performance Mind requires understanding the “mind states” that make up the personality—then balancing those mind states to achieve synergy. Whereas anxiety sufferers are reactive, high performers are proactive. When I explained this to Tom, his football lingo came back to him, and he said, “That’s it! I’ve been playing defense. You’re saying I should be quarterbacking!” Play offense, not defense!

4. Master the Five-Step Adrenaline Control Technique. Based on scientific principles of biofeedback, you will learn to surf the wave of adrenaline rather than be pulled down by its undertow. In time, with practice, you will be able to use self-regulation techniques to interrupt your anxiety response within seconds.

Your training—which requires attention, precision, and repetition—will free you to use that flow of adrenaline energy to become active, productive, and expressive at work. Tom is one of thousands who have done so. His transformation led to a dramatic improvement in self-esteem and a healthy, happy, and high performance lifestyle. He was promoted to a senior position and is now among his company’s most motivating leaders.

Your Most Valuable Asset

Tom was smart. He recognized his most valuable asset. Do you know what your most valuable asset is? Think for a moment. Seriously, think carefully right now. Do you have the answer? It’s not your bank account or 401(k). It’s not your car or your home. It’s not even your career. Your most valuable asset is time. Time is finite. Time is not elastic. Time does not stretch. You can borrow money; you cannot borrow time. Spending your precious time to complete this self-guided program will be one of the best investments you ever make. Imagine how much extra time you’ll gain when you won’t have to spend minutes, hours, days, and nights obsessing over your workplace stressors. Your health will improve, and you will be able to make the most of every workday.

Having picked up this book, you have demonstrated your potential as an astute investor in time. Spend time now to gain time later. If you spend—that is, waste—time suffering from anxiety, that negative investment tends to grow, leading to more and more anxiety.

Invest your most valuable asset wisely—and expect great returns!

Cold Hands, Warm Hands

Before almost every public appearance I’ve ever made, an amazing phenomenon has occurred. About 10 to 15 minutes before each presentation, my anticipatory energy manifests itself by making my hands cold. This was true when I started seeking publicity for my social anxiety therapy programs back in 1988, and it is true 20 years later. I am a confident, experienced speaker. Yet I still get cold hands!

That may surprise you. But let me explain. Our peripheral blood flow is affected by the body’s natural fight-or-flight response: In get-ready-for-action mode, less blood flows to the hands, so they feel either cold, cool, or sweaty. The hands of a relaxed body are dry and warm. These processes are called “vasoconstriction” (cold, cool, or sweaty hands) and “vasodilation” (warm, dry hands). Varying degrees of stress and relaxation occur from person to person and from moment to moment, and the hand’s skin temperature varies up to 25 degrees Fahrenheit in any one day, sometimes within minutes. Skin temperature is not the same as body temperature, which is considered normal at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. A hand temperature of about 90 degrees or higher represents relaxation. Here is a table showing precise skin temperature measurements and what they indicate.

Hand TemperatureDegree of Relaxation or StressAbove 95°F/35CDeeply relaxed90°F to 95°F/32°C to 35°CQuietly relaxed84°F to 90°F/29°C to 32°CMild calm79°F to 84°F/26°C to 29°CModerate stressBelow 79°F/26°CHigh tension

So what do my cold hands mean? They mean that my adrenaline is flowing. My blood vessels are constricted. I am gearing up to perform. This is good stress for me—a positive example of the fight-or-flight response. Nothing to be scared of. But those same cold hands could represent the beginning of a panic episode to a person who does not understand performance physiology.

Becoming aware of hand temperature lets you gauge your stress level. Your challenge at this point is to begin to differentiate between positive and negative stress and how they relate to your hand temperature. You will learn that “stress” and “anxiety” are not dirty words but important phenomena that require a practical understanding.

Often in my clinical work I integrate biofeedback with therapy. The term has a simple meaning: “bio” refers to body processes and “feedback” refers to the collection of objective information reporting about those processes. As I mentioned, I use high-tech biofeedback machines at my office. But there are other effective ways to receive biofeedback—ways you can employ every day, such as using a cuff to check your blood pressure, getting on a scale to weigh yourself, and even looking in the mirror!

The basic idea is this: Measure where you are, learn to recognize what is happening, and master steps to control it. Taking an objective measurement allows you to condition yourself. First, you observe: “My hands are cold.” Then, you ask questions: “What am I thinking? What am I feeling?” The essence of biofeedback is to pair, associate, or connect your internal (proprioceptive) sensations as they relate to objective feedback—the more you are able to do so, the more effective the technique becomes. And the more confident you will be.

Skin temperature measurement is one biofeedback mode. I have used hand-warming training to help people resolve panic and anxiety attacks, migraine headaches, and many other stress-related disorders. I have been a proponent of hand-warming since early in my career, when I witnessed how the technique helped stop hemorrhaging in an adult with diabetic retinopathy. Picture it: This man learned to recognize his body’s stress signals—in this case, bleeding from his eyes—and engage in a quick technique that actually stopped his eyes from bleeding! Powerful stuff. And it’s yours to learn.

Hand-warming is an internal process, and ambient temperature has only a slight influence. Rubbing your hands together or putting them in warm water is not going to work. As you learn, be aware that sometimes, when a person consciously increases skin temperature, it can cause a tingling sensation as the hands warm. That’s a good sign!

The Physiology of Performance

Most people’s adrenaline flow increases before a performance—which can be anything from a conversation to a full-scale speech in front of an audience of hundreds or thousands. How a person handles that adrenaline is the only difference between feeling anxiety and “going with the flow.”

For me, the adrenaline flow means, “Ready! Set! Go!” I don’t interpret the feelings as negative—trouble swallowing on a few high-stress occasions, cold hands, and so on. They’re not scary, but just a reminder to focus and remember that adrenaline is my friend.

To promote my message that people can live happier, more productive lives by freeing themselves from anxiety, I have appeared on more than 1,500 radio and television shows in the last 20 years or so. I love doing shows that reach a large audience because of what I can teach and the great public relations and marketing opportunities they give me. I still feel stress. The difference is, I have trained my body and mind to kick into control mode using the techniques that I will teach you. It’s almost automatic, and it takes only seconds. Once, I was beginning a three-minute live segment on Fox television. The producer was in the process of counting down “5... 4... 3... 2... 1... and Live!” On the number four I had difficulty swallowing due to stress (not a good thing to have when you are about to speak to an audience). But by the number one and the exciting call of “Live!” I was ready to go, having utilized the same Five-Step Adrenaline Control Technique you will learn.

On another occasion, I was waiting by the phone for famed “shock jock” Howard Stern to call and interview me live for a radio show about “involuntary virginity.” (The perfect subject for Howard, don’t you think?) This was a big deal for me—and I had told about 1,000 people I would be on. As I waited, I felt a lot of anticipatory energy and the same swallowing challenge I had right before the Fox interview. I used my technique, and used it, and used it . . .But alas, Howard blew me off for “the biggest rubber band ball in the world” and a hermaphrodite. My call never came. Such is the nature of show biz!

These two experiences characterize the physiology of performance. When you understand it, and learn to control it, the result will be high performance and more potential for confidence and success. When you do not understand the physiology of performance, there is more of a chance that adrenaline will control you instead of you controlling the adrenaline.

Why discuss public speaking? Because public speaking is most people’s number one fear (ahead of even death!). It is also—according to self-made multibillionaire Warren Buffett—“the number one business skill.” At its most essential, the definition in my program is that public speaking occurs any time you are the only one talking. In this context, public speaking means speaking in or to a group—and a group is defined as more than one person. Public speaking is therefore not limited to making a speech or presentation. It also means speaking spontaneously around the conference table or in another meeting, participating in a conference call, standing up to ask a question during a presentation, and even informal chatting around the water cooler. Think of it as “speaking up.” Public speaking is not the only workplace stressor that makes people nervous, but its broad definition encompasses many of the specific anxiety triggers in the workplace. Addressing nervousness at work is critical because, as one business reporter put it, “In today’s workplace, there is no room for the shy.”

Nor is there room for nervousness on the job market. If professional, comfortable interaction and a certain level of confidence are absent, job interviews are liable to go poorly. Networking opportunities are left unexplored. Instead, many people who are nervous at work hope in vain that a job search Web site will hand-deliver their resumes to dream employers—or in a lot of cases these days, to any employer at all. But sitting in front of the computer—avoiding true human interaction—will not land you a job. A very small percentage of hiring occurs through advertisements. To excel, you have to sell yourself, make connections, ask for favors, follow up, and keep following up, all of which are almost impossible to do while sitting at home by yourself in front of a computer screen.

Of course, anxiety about speaking up is not the only thing that makes people nervous at work. Ask 50 people (and we did; see the sidebar) and they may well give you 50 different answers for “What makes you nervous at work?”

We began writing this book just before the economy collapsed in 2008. As job losses soared into the hundreds of thousands, I heard from more and more people whose anxiety was through the roof because of a perceived lack of job security. It’s a reasonable thing to fear—even people without an anxiety problem feel anxious about the circumstances. But it is reality, and coping with it can mean the difference between keeping your job and being among those who are laid off and not merely reassigned. According to New York Newsday, “Losing your job is painful, but worrying about losing the job you have may be even more harmful to your health. Researchers at the University of Michigan concluded that ‘chronically high job insecurity is more strongly linked with health declines than actual job loss or unemployment.’ The study also found that job security is more strongly linked with health declines than actual job loss or unemployment.”

50 Workplace Anxiety Triggers. . . What Are Yours?

“Speaking up during a meeting”

“Answering my phone without knowing who’s calling”

“Learning new skills”

“Introducing a guest speaker”

“Making a presentation”

“Giving a speech to an audience of strangers”

“Giving a speech to an audience that includes people I know”

“Being interviewed for a job”

“Making the follow-up phone call about a job interview”

“Technology”

“Making small talk”

“When my boss asks to meet with me”

“Having to talk during a conference call”

“Being seen on a webcam”

“Knowing I’m going to miss a deadline and not saying anything”

“Using a microphone”

“Meeting with people outside my division”

“When other people get credit for my work”

“Attending company social events”

“Traveling with colleagues”

“Forgetting something”

“Asking a question”

“When someone asks me a question”

“Making an appointment then realizing I am double-booked”

“Interacting with colleagues of the opposite sex”

“Doing team projects”

“Giving feedback to my employees”

“Asking for help within earshot of my supervisor”

“Seeing people who know I interviewed for a job I didn’t get”

“Arriving late”

“Being dressed too casually or too formally”

“That my co-workers will find out I’m gay”

“Covering the receptionist’s duties during lunch break”

“Team-building exercises”

“Passing the company president in the hallway”

“Introducing myself ”

“When something happens that makes me think my talents aren’t valued”

“When I fail to meet a project goal”

“Remembering people’s names”

“People I don’t like but have to ask for something”

“Eating with my colleagues—I’m afraid I’ll look like a slob”

“When colleagues discuss personal subjects such as religion or politics”

“Writing—e-mails, memos, reports, anything!”

“Using the public restroom when others are in there”

“Delegating tasks to other people”

“Being singled out in a crowd”

“Suggesting a solution and having someone explain why it’s wrong”

“Being in situations where I have to sign my name or write anything in front of people”

“Being attracted to a fellow employee”

“Giving my opinion without knowing what other people think”

In 1988, 10 years into my clinical practice, I hired my first public relations firm. I did so out of the desire to provide community education about social anxiety and the related issues with which I was working. The timing obviously was right. Three months into the public relations effort, I was booked on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah was relatively new to the TV airwaves at the time, but it was already a very big deal to appear on her show. From 1988 to now, I have done well over 1,500 television and radio shows and countless newspaper and magazine interviews and given many lectures. I have experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly of working the media. Public speaking has very much been a key to my career success. I have learned to be productive with the art and science of public speaking and high performance at work. As I’ve described, I use the same adrenaline-channeling techniques as I will teach you. And they work. They work for me, and they work for thousands of other people whose anxiety once crippled them.

Affordable Biofeedback Learning Aids

You can learn our all-important hand-warming technique using only the instructions provided in this book—provided you follow them precisely and complete the exercises, all of which are presented as part of a developmental program.

If you are interested in accelerating your learning curve, you might consider obtaining a feedback device. Used in conjunction with this program, these devices are quite effective. There are a lot of temperature machines that provide specific feedback you can use as you practice and master the quieting response technique. These devices range in price from a few dollars to a few hundred.

My personal favorite—the one I recommend to all my clients—is a credit-card-size biofeedback card. It’s handy, economical, and accurate. We wanted to include the card in this book, but that proved problematic (for example, it could too easily become lost in transit). So I am offering it to you for $1 (my cost) plus shipping and handling. Simply visit www.socialanxiety.com and click on Send My Biocard.

If you decide to obtain the Biocard from me, you will want to use it many times throughout each day. After substantial experimentation, you should become so proficient at knowing your skin temperature that you will know the stress level the card would show without actually having to put your thumb on it. If you choose to purchase a temperature machine (these are inexpensive), your objective is the same: to become adept at knowing what the temperature reading will be without actually putting your hand on it. Obviously, this will take some practice. But the developmental process will increase your awareness of internal cues dramatically—and that is true whether you purchase a device of some kind or not. I often play a game with people where I try to guess the temperature of their hands, and then put them on a temp machine to measure my accuracy. I’m pretty good at it because I’ve had more than 30 years of practice doing it.

Biofeedback Lesson Number One: Awareness

It’s just about impossible to have a panic attack when hands are dry and warm! And increasing your hand temperature three to four degrees is enough to stop a panic attack in its tracks. Developing awareness of hand temperature is the first step in learning to control it. Your training begins now. Here is what I want you to do:

1. TUNE IN: Become aware of the temperature of your hands at different times during the day.

2. Develop a general awareness of hand temperature. Are your hands warm or cold? Sweaty or dry?

3. When your hands are cold, cool, or sweaty—indicators of stress—identify your thoughts and your emotions. Become aware of your energy. Do you believe it is good or bad? What is your reasoning?

4. When your hands are warm and dry—indicators of emotional relaxation—identify your thoughts and feelings. Again, become aware of your energy.

The Many Faces of Workplace Anxiety

Here are some typical examples of people who suffered social and performance anxiety in the workplace:

By his mid-40s, Roger held an important position in banking, working with hedge funds. Making a seven-figure salary, Roger was the go-to guy in his department when it came to public speaking. Only his wife and I knew that his obsessive worry regarding public speaking was so debilitating that he was considering changing careers.

Jim, age 25, recently married, was highly intelligent, a good athlete, and a social butterfly. He was preparing to take the reins of his family-owned business. But he dreaded the idea of being in charge and having to appear front and center because he knew he blushed. At one point, Jim considered getting an operation to sever his nerves because of fear of blushing.

Carol, an ovarian cancer survivor who had almost died, once said to me very genuinely, “Jonathan, I’d rather be back in chemotherapy than speak in front of a group.”

Lauren graduated from an Ivy League school with a 4.0 average and was holding a $95,000-a-year job by the age of 28. She shocked her family, though, when she quit abruptly because of burnout caused by the anxiety that her excessive perfectionism was causing.

Alice, a 48-year-old human resources associate director earning $55,000, never said a word during weekly staff meetings because she suffered from selective mutism—in other situations, she could quietly hold her own. But in these meetings, she was silent.

Jerry, an accomplished Army flight surgeon, experienced heart palpitations and racing thoughts whenever he had to make “rounds” or give presentations to his peers—he never told anyone about the problem, and instead tried unsuccessfully to treat his problem with prescription medications.

Kevin was a lawyer who had once dreamed of running for public office. He abandoned that dream after he began feeling extremely nervous in court. He even had to leave courtroom proceedings due to his sweating attacks.