Adoption For Dummies E-Book

Tracy L. Barr

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 646

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Beschreibung

You hear all sorts of things said or implied about adoption. Some information comes from people who know a lot about it, while some comes from people who don't know anything about it but make assumptions anyway. Some comes from people whose experiences have been good; some from those whose experiences have been bad. The result? Enough conflicting information to make your head spin. So when everyone has an opinion and most of the books on the market deal with specific aspects on adoption or particular types of adoptions, where do you turn to for reliable information? Start with Adoption For Dummies. The great thing about this guide is that you decide where to start and what to read. It's a reference you can jump into and out of at will. Just head to the table of contents or the index to find the information you want. Each part of Adoption For Dummies covers a particular aspect of adoption, including: * Answering the basic adoption questions - How much does it cost? Who's involved? How long does it take? What do I need to know that I don't know to ask? And more. * Getting started - and figuring out what steps you have to take. * Dealing with birthmothers and birthfathers - and why, even though they may not be part of your life, they're still important to you. * Confronting the issues adoptive families face - issues from sharing the adoption story with your child, to answering your child's questions about his birthparents, to handling rude family members who treat your child differently than her cousins. * Finding help - from books, resources, and support groups. No adoption book - at least no adoption book that you can carry around without a hydraulic lift - can tell you everything there is to know about adoption. What Adoption For Dummies tells you is what you need to know, all in an easy-to-use reference.

Leseprobe

Adoption For Dummies®

by Tracy Barr and Katrina Carlisle

Adoption For Dummies®

Published byWiley Publishing, Inc.111 River St.Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2003 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana

Published by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana

Published simultaneously in Canada

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax [phone]. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Legal Department, Wiley Publishing, Inc., 10475 Crosspoint Blvd., Indianapolis, IN 46256, 317-572-3447, fax [phone], or e-mail [email protected]

Trademarks: Wiley, the Wiley Publishing logo, For Dummies, the Dummies Man logo, A Reference for the Rest of Us!, The Dummies Way, Dummies Daily, The Fun and Easy Way, Dummies.com and related trade dress are trademarks or registered trademarks of John Wiley & Sons, Inc., and/or its affiliates. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. Wiley Publishing, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book.

LIMIT OF LIABILITY/DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

For general information on our other products and services or to obtain technical support, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-762-2974, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3993, or fax [phone].

Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Library of Congress Control Number: 2003105677

ISBN: 0-7645-5488-3

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

About the Authors

Tracy Barr has been a part of the Dummies phenomenon for almost a decade. In that time, she has served as editor, editorial manager, writer, and consultant to the folks who write and edit For Dummies books. Most recently, she helped write World War II For Dummies with Keith D. Dickson, Latin For Dummies with Clifford Hull and Steven Perkins, and Religion For Dummies with Rabbi Marc Gellman and Monsignor Thomas Hartman. Her most challenging and rewarding role, however, is a personal one. She built her family through adoption and is the mother of four rambunctiously wonderful children. Her personal experience with adoption did not begin with her own children, however, but with her family of origin, which itself was built through adoption. As one of six children in an interracial family and as an adoptive mother, she is well aware of the issues that adoptees and their parents face.

Katrina Carlisle, BSW, LSW, is currently the executive director of Coleman Adoption Services, Inc., in Indianapolis, Indiana. Her duties include providing direct services to birthparents prior to placement and post-placement, conducting home studies and post-placement supervision visits for adoptive parents, providing search and reunion services for adult adoptees and birthparents, and leading transracial adoption seminars and other types of community education. She has three years of experience as a social worker in adoption and child welfare agencies. Two of her four children were adopted.

Dedication

From Katrina: In loving memory of my son, Bryce Ryan Carlisle October 16, 1979–November 23, 2000 “Always remembered, forever loved”

From Tracy: To my husband, Larry, who has given my life happiness, and to my children — Adam, Sarah, Mary, and Alex — who have given it meaning.

Acknowledgments

From Katrina: I would like to thank the following people: My coauthor, Tracy, for asking me to do this project and then for having the patience to guide me through it. My husband, John, for his love and support in everything I do. My children, Derrick and Kara, for teaching me about adoption and allowing me to share their stories. My son Reid for understanding that his stories are not about adoption and, therefore, not in the book. My grandchildren for sharing their energy with me and my daughters-in-law for their encouragement. My mom and dad for their enthusiasm for this book and for telling everyone they know about it. My personal cheerleaders, Kenan and Mary. All my co-workers at Coleman Adoption Services, Inc., for believing in me and to all the wonderful birthmothers, adoptive parents, and adoptees who have taught me everything I know.

From Tracy: I would like to thank the following people: My coauthor, Katrina, for trusting me when I said that, together, she and I could actually write this book. My husband, Larry, for his love, support, and too many other things to list here. My children, for interrupting me regularly enough to remind me exactly why I took on the task of writing this book. And the people in the family I grew up in: my parents, Lanny and Mary Carmichael; and my siblings, Kelly, Sandy, Billy, David, and Wendy, just because.

From both authors: Several people helped create this book: Natasha Graf, Norm Crampton, Alissa Schwipps, and Tina Sims, the Wiley acquisitions and editing team that pulled everything together; Melitta Payne, of Bethany Christian Services, who graciously provided information on international adoptions; Kathy Gallop, of Lutheran Social Services, who took time from her busy schedule to read the manuscript and offer always helpful suggestions; and to all the people who shared their own adoption stories with us: Laura and Brian Allen, Sherry and Bill Frazer, Amy Young-Gray, Jon and Jennifer Kirkman, Charlotte Ottinger, Christine and Maurice Rembert, Leon and Tonna Thomas, Ilene Watson, and Carl and Vicki Witmer.

Publisher’s Acknowledgments

We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration form located at www.dummies.com/register/.

Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:

Acquisitions, Editorial, and Media Development

Senior Project Editor: Alissa D. Schwipps

Acquisitions Editor: Natasha Graf

Senior Copy Editor: Tina Sims

Acquisitions Coordinator: Holly Grimes

Technical Editor: Kathy J. Gallup

Editorial Manager: Jennifer Ehrlich

Editorial Assistant: Elizabeth Rea

Cover Photos: ©SuperStock/SuperStock/PictureQuest

Cartoons: Rich Tennant, www.the5thwave.com

Production

Project Coordinators: Nancee Reeves and Kristie Rees

Layout and Graphics: Jennifer Click, Seth Conley, Carrie Foster, Stephanie D. Jumper, Jacque Schneider

Proofreaders: TECHBOOKS Production Services, Brian H. Walls

Indexer: TECHBOOKS Production Services

Publishing and Editorial for Consumer Dummies

Diane Graves Steele, Vice President and Publisher, Consumer Dummies

Joyce Pepple, Acquisitions Director, Consumer Dummies

Kristin A. Cocks, Product Development Director, Consumer Dummies

Michael Spring, Vice President and Publisher, Travel

Brice Gosnell, Publishing Director, Travel

Suzanne Jannetta, Editorial Director, Travel

Publishing for Technology Dummies

Andy Cummings, Vice President and Publisher, Dummies Technology/General User

Composition Services

Gerry Fahey, Vice President of Production Services

Debbie Stailey, Director of Composition Services

Contents

Title

Introduction

About This Book

Conventions Used in This Book

What You’re Not to Read

Foolish Assumptions

How This Book Is Organized

Icons Used in This Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I : Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Adoption but Didn’t Know Whom to Ask

Chapter 1: Adoption Basics

Defining Adoption

Looking at the Adoption Process: What Happens When?

It Takes (Half) a Village: Meeting the Folks Involved

Spending Time and Money: You’ll Probably Need Both

Examining Adoption Issues You and Your Child(ren) Will Face

Your Child and You

Questions to Ask Yourself

Chapter 2: Sorting It All Out: Types of Adoptions

Agency, Attorney, or Other: Ways to Connect to Your Child

At Home or Abroad: Where the Children Come From

Infants, Older Children, and Special-Needs Kids: The Children You Adopt

Closed, Semi-Open, and Open: The Adoption Arrangement

Chapter 3: The Adoption Process from Beginning to End

Born in the USA: Adopting in America

The Wide World of International Adoption

Extra Prep for Special Situations

Beyond Finalization

Chapter 4: The Gasp Factor: What You Can Expect to Pay

Money’s Role in American Adoption

The Cost of Private Agency Adoptions

State Agencies: Your Government at Work

There Oughta Be a Law! Cost of Attorney Adoptions

International Adoptions: Exchange Rates Not a Factor

What You Can’t Pay For

Don’t Panic: You Don’t Have to Be Rich to Adopt

Chapter 5: Who Can Adopt?

Profiling Adoptive Parents: Who Gets Kids?

Considering Other Issues That Can Impact Your Chances to Adopt

Getting to the Bottom Line: What Folks Look for in Adoptive Parents

Chapter 6: Building a Family through Adoption: Is It for You?

Motivating Factors: Examining Why You Want to Adopt

Fears and Concerns You May Have

Part II : Getting Started and Moving Forward, One Milestone at a Time

Chapter 7: Getting the Ball Rolling: Finding an Agency or Lawyer

Step One: Get on the Horn

Finding a Reputable Agency

Finding a Reputable Adoption Lawyer — No Joke

Finding an Adoption Facilitator

Protecting Yourself

Chapter 8: Thinking about Your Future Child

Describing Your Child

Honesty Is the Best Policy — Honest

Making the Info Work for You

Chapter 9: Applications, Home Studies, and Other Really Fun Stuff

Filling Out the Application

Show and Tell Time: The Home Study

But I’m a Good Person! The Reasons for the Scrutiny

Chapter 10: Doing Hard Time: The Wait

Facing the Wait and Staying Sane at the Same Time

Preparing for the Arrival of Your Child

Taking Care of Special Prep Work for International Adoptions

Making Special Preparations for Special-Needs Adoptions

Chapter 11: A Child’s Available! Now What? Placement and Follow-up Visits

Looking at How a Child Becomes Available

Getting the Most Important Call in Your Life

Finally, Signing the Placement Agreement

Your Child Is Home! Welcome to the Supervision Period

Chapter 12: Here Comes the Judge: The Court Appearance

Where and When and How to Dress

The Cast and Crew and Their Roles

Taking the Stand: What Happens

Making Your Court Appearance in International Adoptions

What to Do after the Deed Is Done

Part III : Birthmothers and Birthfathers

Chapter 13: God Bless the Birthmothers

The Birthmother: Who She Is

Making an Adoption Plan

Helping the Birthmother: What You Can Do

Chapter 14: Birthfathers and Their Role in Your Adoption

Defining the Legal Categories of Birthfathers

Understanding the Birthfather’s Rights

Putative Father Registries

Birthfathers as Part of the Adoption Team

Chapter 15: Keeping in Touch: Meetings and Contact with the Birthmother

Getting to Know You: Contact Prior to Placement

Trading Info after Placement

Agreeing to Contact: Things to Think About

Arranging Contact in Older Child Adoptions

Part IV : Issues Adoptive Families Face

Chapter 16: All in the Family: Issues You Deal with at Home

Once Upon a Time . . . The Adoption Story

Who’s Yer Daddy (or Mommy)? Dealing with the “Real” Parent Issue

Handling Feelings of Rejection

Special Issues in Transracial and Transcultural Adoptions

Special Issues Faced by Parents of Older Adopted Children

Special Issues Faced by Parents of Children Adopted Internationally

Chapter 17: Beyond the Family: Dealing with Outsiders

Who to Tell What about the Adoption

Dealing with Tactless Neighbors and Friends and Nosy Strangers

Dealing with Adoption When Your Child Hits School Age

Helping Your Child Deal with Negative Perceptions of Adoption

Chapter 18: What Can Go Wrong and What You Can Do

I Want My Baby Back: Challenges to Placement

Things Don’t Work Out: Disrupted Adoptions

Problems You Didn’t Know Existed

Chapter 19: In Search of . . . Birthparents

Why Kids Seek Birthparents

The Search Is On

Happily Ever After? When the Search Ends

How You Can Help

Part V : The Part of Tens

Chapter 20: Ten Great Books to Read to Your Kids

The Mulberry Bird: An Adoption Story

A Mother for Choco

The Day We Met You

Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You: The Adoption Love Story of Angel Annie

When You Were Born In China: A Memory Book for Children Adopted from China

Zachary’s New Home: A Story for Foster and Adopted Children

A New Barker in the House

Tell Me Again about the Night I Was Born

W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook

All About Me

Chapter 21: Ten Support Groups for Adoptive Families

Latin America Parents Association (LAPA)

The National Adoption Center (NAC)

The National Council for Single Adoptive Parents

North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC)

Adoptive Families of America (AFA)

Families Adopting Children Everywhere (FACE)

Families of Children from Vietnam (FCV)

The Korean American Adoptee Adoptive Family Network (KAAN)

Families with Children from China (FCC)

To Find Other Groups in Your Area

Chapter 22: Ten Helpful Web Sites

General Adoption Web Sites

Sites for International Adoptions

Introduction

Y ou hear all sorts of things said or implied about adoption. Some info comes from people who know a lot about it; some comes from people who don’t know jack about it but make assumptions anyway. Some comes from people whose experiences have been good; some from those whose experiences have been bad. The result? Enough conflicting information to make your head spin.

The truth is, the adoption experience is as varied and unique as the people who are touched by it. What may be true for some, based on their unique circumstances and influenced by their own perceptions, may not be true for others.

So when everybody has an opinion and most of the books on the market deal with specific aspects on adoption or particular types of adoptions, where do you go when you don’t know enough to know what you need to know more about? To a general reference, and that’s what Adoption For Dummies is.

One thing you should know is that everyone who writes about adoption has a bias, and so do we. We’re all for it. Our own personal and professional experiences with adoption have only reaffirmed for us that adoption is a wonderful and natural way to build families. Having said that, you also need to know that we don’t try to “sell” you on the idea of adoption. Why? Because adoption isn’t the right choice for everyone. But for those for whom adoption is the right choice, we can say that you’re in for the ride of your life.

About This Book

No adoption book — or at least no adoption book that you can carry around without a hydraulic lift — can tell you everything there is to know about adoption. In this book, we don’t even try. What this book does is tell you what you need to know. How does adoption work? How much can it cost? How do you decide whether adoption is a good choice for your family? What kinds of things do you need to be prepared to deal with if you build your family through adoption? And more. And all in an easy-to-use reference.

Each chapter is divided into sections, and each section contains information about some part of understanding adoption, like

What you can expect during your home study and what to include in the profile you’ll be writing

Who the people involved in your adoption are (birthparents, social workers, and so on) and what roles they play

Adoption laws and guidelines you need to be aware of

Questions to ask when you start hunting for a reputable adoption agency or attorney

How to deal with the issues that adoptive families face

The great thing about this book is that you decide where to start and what to read. It’s a reference you can jump into and out of at will. Just head to the table of contents or the index to find the information you want.

Conventions Used in This Book

To help you navigate through this book, we’ve set up a few conventions:

Italic is used for emphasis and to highlight new words or terms that are defined.

Boldfaced text is used to indicate the action part of numbered steps.

Monofont is used for Web addresses.

What You’re Not to Read

We’ve written this book so that you can 1) find information easily and 2) easily understand what you find. And although we’d like to believe that you want to pore over every last word between the two yellow covers, we actually make it easy for you to identify “skippable” material. This information is the stuff that, although interesting and related to the topic at hand, isn’t essential for you to know:

Text in sidebars: The sidebars are the shaded boxes that appear here and there. They share personal stories and observations, but aren’t necessary reading.

Anything with a Technical Stuff icon attached: This information is interesting but not critical to your understanding of adoption.

The stuff on the copyright page: No kidding. You’ll find nothing here of interest unless you’re inexplicably enamored by legal language and Library of Congress numbers.

Foolish Assumptions

Every book is written with a particular reader in mind, and this one is no different. As we wrote this book, we made a few assumptions about you:

You haven’t had much experience with adoption — beyond what you see on TV — and want to find out whether it’s really as perilous an endeavor as some people would lead you to believe.

You’re thinking about adopting but aren’t sure whether it’s the right choice for your family. Or you want to adopt, but you don’t know where to start or what to expect.

You want basic information, but you don’t want to become an expert in adoption law or to have to spend inordinate amounts of time scouring through legal journals.

You’ve decided to adopt but are facing objections from family members or friends, and you want an adoption book that’s hefty enough to have an impact when you hit them upside the head with it.

How This Book Is Organized

To help you find information that you’re looking for, this book is divided into five parts. Each part covers a particular aspect on adoption and contains chapters relating to that part.

Part I: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Adoption but Didn’t Know Whom to Ask

Many people starting the adoption journey have a zillion questions: What’s it mean? How much does it cost? Who’s involved? How long does it take? What do I need to know that I don’t know to ask? And more. If you have the same questions, welcome to Part I. Here you can find the answers to basic questions that rattle around the brains of just about everyone who first considers adoption as an option in family planning.

Part II: Getting Started and Moving Forward, One Milestone at a Time

Let’s face it. Filling out an application on which you state both your weight and your income is not as fun as having sex. As a result, many people, when they first think about adoption, don’t think, “Goody. We get to conjure up a family.” They think, “How many painful, silly, embarrassing things am I going to have to do to get a child?” This part sets aside the fact that this is exactly the same question that people who conceive their children should be asking and explains, in detail, what steps you have to take.

Part III: Birthmothers and Birthfathers

All adoptions involve birthparents. These are the people who created the child you love and whom you may fret the most about, especially during the early stages of your adoption. “Will they like and select us?” “Will they follow through with the adoption plan?” “Will they challenge the adoption?” “How involved will they be after the placement?” are all questions that adoptive parents ask themselves at one time or another. To help alleviate your concerns, this part explains who the birthparents are, the roles they have in your adoption plans, and why, even though they may not be part of your life, they’re still important to you.

Part IV: Issues Adoptive Families Face

As an adoptive family, you’re going to face issues that parents who give birth to their children don’t have to face. These issues include things like deciding whom to tell what about the adoption, how to share the adoption story with your child, how to help your child deal with questions or emotions she has about her birthmother, how to shut up rude strangers who focus on the ways in which your family is different, or how to handle family members who treat your kids differently than their cousins. This part explains what issues you should be prepared to face and offers suggestions on how to deal with them when they arise.

Part V: The Part of Tens

Want to know what adoption books are great to read to your kids? How about resources that you, as an adoptive parent, can use? Think you need a support group? This part offers lists of things — books, resources, and support groups — that you may find helpful.

Icons Used in This Book

The icons in this book help you find particular kinds of information that may be of use to you:

You see this icon anywhere we offer a suggestion or bit of advice — like how to save time or who to use as a resource — that can help you with the task at hand.

This icon points out important information that you want to remember.

Most people you work with in adoption are ethical, honest, and competent, but some aren’t. Whether the problem is one of intentional wrongdoing or just plain ignorance, the implications for your adoption can be disastrous. This icon serves as your warning to beware of certain people or situations.

This icon appears beside information that is interesting but not necessary to know. In fact, feel free to skip the info here if you want. Doing so won’t impair your understanding of adoption.

The best people to hear from are the people who’ve gone through what you’re going through (or thinking about going through). So we include personal stories from people who have adopted or been adopted. To help you easily find these anecdotes, we highlight them with this icon.

Where to Go from Here

This book is organized so that you can go wherever you want to find complete information. Want to know about birthparent searches, for example? Head to Chapter 19. If you’re interested in how to create your profile, go to Chapter 9 for that. You can use the table of contents to find broad categories of information or the index to look up more specific things.

If you’re not sure where you want to go, you may want to start with Part I. It gives you all the basic info you need to understand adoption and points to places where you can find more detailed information.

Part I

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Adoption but Didn’t Know Whom to Ask

In this part . . .

If you’re like most people first considering adoption, you may have a few basic questions swirling around in your brain that you want answered before you go much further. What does it require? How much does it cost? How long does it take? Whom do I contact or work with? And how will my past affect my chances? This part answers these questions for you, and then it asks one more: Is adoption the right choice for you? Although you won’t find the answer to that question here, you do find things to think about as you decide.

Chapter 1

Adoption Basics

In This Chapter

Understanding adoption: What it is and what it isn’t

Knowing what happens when you adopt

Getting to know the people involved in the process

Preparing to spend time and money

Anticipating issues you’ll face as an adoptive family

Becoming a fearless parent

S ome cultures believe that children visit their parents in dreams before they are born — that the child’s soul somehow recognizes its parent’s soul and is drawn to it, despite the boundaries of time and space and even physical existence. Whether you accept this belief or not, it is a compelling idea, don’t you think? That something other than conventional ties — genetic ties, historical ties, racial or ethnicity ties — joins people together and that this connection exists beyond time. Maybe adoption is simply what this mystery looks like after bureaucrats get hold of it.

Part of adoption is the practical stuff: the filling out of papers, the home studies and interviews, the things you cross off your list and store away in your closet as you wait. But the other part is the indefinable thing that makes adoption — having a child who is so completely yours that your heart seems to beat in time with his or hers — as mysterious and miraculous as conception and birth.

The mechanics are slightly different, true. After all, sex is optional in adoption (but then, nowadays, it is in some conceptions, too), the wait may be a few weeks or a few years, and your child may come to you in the gangly body of a preteen or the teetering one of a toddler. But in the end, your child is your child. This chapter gives you a quick tour of what adoption is, what you do when you adopt, what you need to know, and where to go to get more detailed information.