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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
A proven framework for helping children become caring, confident, and resilient from the makers of Slumberkins
In All Feelings Welcome, Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen, early childhood experts and founders of the Slumberkins brand of characters supporting emotional learning, provide accessible products and tools for empowering kids to build lifelong emotional intelligence. You'll discover how to approach building connections that will have lasting, positive impacts throughout your child's life. Then, you'll follow along with an easy-to-use framework that you can use in your day-to-day to build connection, community, and togetherness—the key ingredients of emotional wellbeing as our kids grow.
Written for parents and caregivers, All Feelings Welcome helps you support children in noticing, naming, and welcoming all feelings through the everyday parenting moments and in the more challenging times when you and your child need support. This book is packed with practical techniques that you can share with all the important people in a child's early emotional learning journey to build confidence and influence their wellbeing for a lifetime.
- Support kids' emotional wellbeing by fostering meaningful connections with the adults in their lives
- Contribute to a more kind and caring future world by raising children who are in touch with their emotions
- Get ideas for helping kids identify, name, accept, and respond to their feelings
- Build self-awareness as a parent or caregiver, while supporting the development of a positive self-concept for your child
Parents, caregivers, and anyone with a stake in our kids' futures will love the inspiration and practical tools in All Feelings Welcome.
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Seitenzahl: 393
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Table of Contents
COVER
TABLE OF CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
PREFACE
HOW SLUMBERKINS WAS BORN
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
WHAT YOU WILL GET OUT OF THIS BOOK
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
ADDITIONAL FEATURES IN THE BOOK
PARENTS ARE THE EXPERTS ON THEIR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL HEALTH
PART ONE: THE THEORY BEHIND THE CONNECT-TO-GROW APPROACH
CHAPTER 1: Early Emotional Learning Is Foundational
THE MAGIC OF THE CONNECT-TO-GROW APPROACH
WHERE DOES CONNECT-TO-GROW COME FROM?
ALL FEELINGS ARE WELCOME
CHAPTER 2: Stages of Emotional Development
ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIPS
WHAT'S HAPPENING IN EACH STAGE AND HOW OUR EMOTIONAL WORLD IS SHAPED
CHAPTER 3: Expanding on Core Beliefs
PERSONALITY TYPES
WHY CORE BELIEFS ARE SO IMPORTANT
CORE BELIEF STAGES
USING CORE BELIEFS TO FIND OUR INNER VOICE
CHAPTER 4: Connect-to-Grow: Breaking Down the Approach
CONNECT
REFLECT
PRACTICE
GROW
INCORPORATING CONNECT-TO-GROW IN YOUR DAILY LIFE
BEFORE YOU START PART 2 …
PART TWO: PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE
CHAPTER 5: The Connect-to-Grow Approach in Practice
CALM MOMENTS
MEET THE CHARACTERS
CHAPTER 6: Routines
WHY ROUTINES ARE SO IMPORTANT
ROUTINES THROUGH THE AGES
PROACTIVELY SETTING UP ROUTINES AND STRUCTURE
SUPPORTING EMERGING INDEPENDENCE
AFFIRMATION
THE BEDTIME ROUTINE: IMPLEMENTING STRUCTURE AND TOOLS TO SUPPORT THE PROCESS
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: ROUTINES
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: SLOTH
CHAPTER 7: Building Connections
WHY CONNECTIONS ARE SO IMPORTANT
HOW CHILDREN LEARN TO CONNECT
PROACTIVELY PROMOTING A SENSE OF BELONGING AND BUILDING CONNECTIONS
EXAMPLES OF HEALTHY BONDING
AFFIRMATION
RECOGNIZING IF YOUR CHILD IS STRUGGLING
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: BUILDING CONNECTIONS
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: OTTER
CHAPTER 8: Mindfulness
WHY MINDFULNESS IS SO IMPORTANT
NURTURING MINDFULNESS IN CHILDREN
AFFIRMATION
USING MINDFULNESS FOR STRESS/ANXIETY
SUPPORTING OVERSTIMULATION AND DYSREGULATION
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: MINDFULNESS
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: YETI
CHAPTER 9: Emotional Courage
EMBRACING EMOTIONAL COURAGE
PROACTIVELY BUILDING EMOTIONAL COURAGE
MODELING EMOTIONAL COURAGE
AFFIRMATION
SUPPORTING A HIGHLY SENSITIVE OR DEEPLY FEELING CHILD
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: EMOTIONAL COURAGE
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: IBEX
CHAPTER 10: Gratitude
EMBRACING GRATITUDE
PROACTIVELY PROMOTING GRATITUDE
SHIFTING AWAY FROM FOCUS ON MATERIAL POSSESSIONS
AFFIRMATION
GRATITUDE AND NATURE
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: GRATITUDE
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: HONEY BEAR
CHAPTER 11: Self-Esteem
NURTURING SELF-ESTEEM IN CHILDREN
TEACHING CHILDREN THEY ARE LOVED—AND LOVABLE
PROACTIVELY BUILDING POSITIVE BELIEFS
AFFIRMATION
HELPING A CHILD WHO IS STRUGGLING WITH SELF-ESTEEM
TEACH KIDS HOW TO RESPOND
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: SELF-ESTEEM
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: BIGFOOT
CHAPTER 12: Authenticity
EXPLORING OUR AUTHENTIC SELVES
PARENTING TO PROACTIVELY FOSTER AUTHENTICITY
AFFIRMATION
BUILDING AUTHENTICITY WHEN YOU SENSE TROUBLE
UNDERSTANDING THE IMPACT OF SPIRITUAL AND CULTURAL BELIEFS
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: AUTHENTICITY
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: UNICORN
CHAPTER 13: Growth Mindset
CULTIVATING A GROWTH MINDSET
PROACTIVELY BUILDING GROWTH MINDSET
USING CONSTRUCTIVE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
TAKING BREAKS AND WHY THEY ARE IMPORTANT
AFFIRMATION
HELPING SHIFT A FIXED MINDSET
TEACHING KIDS HOW TO RESPOND
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: GROWTH MINDSET
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: NARWHAL
CHAPTER 14: Self-Acceptance
FOSTER SELF-ACCEPTANCE
PROACTIVELY SUPPORTING SELF-ACCEPTANCE
MODELING SELF-ACCEPTANCE WITH YOUR KIDS
AFFIRMATION
HOW TO SUPPORT PERFECTIONISM
AFFIRMATION
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: YAK
CHAPTER 15: Conflict Resolution
THE COMPONENTS OF CONFLICT
DEALING WITH TANTRUMS
WHY “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” WON'T WORK
COMMUNICATION DURING TANTRUMS
AFFIRMATION
SIBLING RIVALRY
PEER CONFLICT
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: CONFLICT RESOLUTION
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: HAMMERHEAD
CHAPTER 16: Change
SUPPORTING CHANGE IN CHILDREN'S LIVES
LEARNING ABOUT FAMILY SYSTEMS
INTRODUCING A NEW SIBLING
AFFIRMATION
SEPARATION AND DIVORCE
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: CHANGE
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: FOX
CHAPTER 17: Anxiety
WHAT IF WE REFRAME ANXIETY?
SIGNS OF STRESS AND ANXIETY IN CHILDREN
SEPARATION ANXIETY
AFFIRMATION
WHEN TO SEEK SUPPORT
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: ANXIETY
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: ALPACA
CHAPTER 18: Grief and Loss
THE GRIEF PROCESS
PROACTIVELY INTRODUCING THE CONCEPT OF GOODBYES
AFFIRMATION
WHEN YOU'VE LOST A LOVED ONE
10 FACTS ABOUT CHILDREN AND GRIEF
HOW TO TALK TO A CHILD ABOUT DEATH
LESSON IN SUPPORTING SOMEONE THROUGH GRIEF
IF YOUR CHILD IS STRUGGLING WITH GRIEF/LOSS
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: GRIEF AND LOSS
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: SPRITE
CHAPTER 19: Self-Expression
EXPRESSING YOUR NEEDS
PROACTIVELY BUILDING SELF-EXPRESSION SKILLS
AFFIRMATION
IF YOUR CHILD IS STRUGGLING WITH SELF-EXPRESSION
SETTING BOUNDARIES
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: SELF-EXPRESSION
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: LYNX
CHAPTER 20: Creativity
SUPPORTING CREATIVITY
CREATIVITY THROUGH THE YEARS
TIME TO PLAY
AFFIRMATION
AFFIRMATION
PARENT REFLECTION MOMENT: CREATIVITY
SLUMBERKINS CHARACTER CONNECTION: DRAGON
USE CASE GUIDE
INFANT
TODDLER + PRESCHOOL AGE
BIG KID + ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGE
ADULT/PARENTING
SITUATIONAL
INDEX
END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Preface
How Slumberkins Was Born
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Begin Reading
Use Case Guide
Index
End User License Agreement
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Praise for All Feelings Welcome
“As a child psychiatrist and advocate for children’s mental health, I am deeply impressed by Kelly and Callie’s book on parenting. This book is a treasure trove of wisdom, blending therapeutic principles with practical strategies that empower parents to support their children’s emotional development from the earliest stages. I appreciate how this book, written by authors with a deep understanding of child development, addresses common parenting challenges and provides a roadmap for fostering a child’s self-esteem, resilience, and empathy. This expertise shines through in every chapter, making this a must-read for anyone looking to nurture their child’s emotional well-being. Kelly and Callie have created a unique and valuable resource that will positively impact families everywhere. I highly recommend this book to parents, caregivers, and educators seeking to create a nurturing and emotionally supportive environment for children.”
—Helen Egger, MD., Co-founder and Chief Medical & Scientific Officer at Little Otter, www.littleotterhealth.com
“All Feelings Welcome is the parenting book that we need today! It provides you with the tools that you need to feel empowered and to take an active role in helping guide your children gain the confidence they need to navigate life and all the emotions that come along with it. I can't wait to share this book with my mom friends and colleagues and also recommend it to clients.”
—Rachel L. Goldman, PhD, FTOS, FASMBS-IH, licensed psychologist, speaker, and Clinical Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine
“All I've ever wanted as a parent is to be the best support system to my child so that they can fully grow into the person they were meant to be. With All Feelings Welcome, Kelly and Callie have given us a treasure trove of ways to help our kids embrace and develop their emotional well-being, and maybe even do a bit of healing ourselves along the way! This is an incredibly empowering read for anyone on their parenting journey.”
—Jason Ritter, actor and voice of Fox's Dad on the Emmy-nominated Apple TV+ series Slumberkins
“All Feelings Welcome is a must-have book for all parents and caregivers! Kelly and Callie have crafted the ultimate practical, empowering tool to help you build and support healthy emotional well-being with your children and caregivers. You can't go wrong with this wonderful offering from the creators behind the lovable Slumberkins brand.”
—Yvette Nicole Brown, actress and Slumberkins superfan
“This book is what I wanted for all the parents whose kids went to school with my kids. This book makes me hopeful for parents and caregivers and humans so when their kids experience any kind of emotions, they can guide them (and themselves) through the feelings, navigating and embracing all the scary, underwhelming, and overwhelming things life throws at them. I wish this book was published 20 years ago. Or 50 years ago… .”
—Pamela Adlon, voice of Fox's Mom on the Emmy-nominated Apple TV+ series Slumberkins
“All Feelings Welcome is a must-have book for parents and caregivers looking to support emotional resilience in their kids. Practical, inspiring, and easy to implement, the strategies in this book will help you and your kids build positive connections wherever life takes you. All Feelings Welcome is truly a book everyone needs to read!”
—Allie Szczecinski, MSEd, Founder of Miss Behavior
“This is an indispensable goldmine for parents! All Feelings Welcome leads us down the path to emotional resilience, demonstrating the ways we can best help our kids face whatever life throws their way in a confident, capable manner. The creators of Slumberkins have outdone themselves with the clear, actionable strategies in this book. Every parent needs this book!”
—Jon Gustin, The Tired Dad
All Feelings Welcome
PARENTING PRACTICES FOR RAISING CARING, CONFIDENT, AND RESILIENT KIDS
Kelly Oriard
Callie Christensen
Copyright © 2024 by Slumberkins, Inc. All rights reserved.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.
ISBNs: 9781394220588 (cloth), 9781394220601 (ePDF), 9781394220595 (epub)
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 750-4470, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permission.
Trademarks: Wiley and the Wiley logo are trademarks or registered trademarks of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. and/or its affiliates in the United States and other countries and may not be used without written permission. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. John Wiley & Sons, Inc. is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Further, readers should be aware that websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read. Neither the publisher nor authors shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
For general information on our other products and services or for technical support, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) 762-2974, outside the United States at (317) 572-3993 or fax (317) 572-4002.
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Library of Congress Control Number is Available
Cover Design: WileyCover Image: © ALICIA BOCK/Stocksy/Adobe StockAuthor Photo: © Filipe Lara
We dedicate this book to each and every member in our SlumberFam community who has come to us for support and found the community, inspiration, and confidence to change the way we support the emotional wellness of the next generation—because it takes a village. You are the beating heart of Slumberkins.
And to the SlumberKids out there … we can't wait to watch as you continue becoming the caring, confident, resilient human beings you already are.
PREFACE
Hello to all of you parents, caregivers, and educators! We are thrilled to welcome you into our first‐ever Slumberkins parenting book. Whether you are already a part of the SlumberFam or you've never heard of Slumberkins before reading this, we're so happy you're here.
When we set out to build Slumberkins, we wanted to boil down complicated therapeutic, educational, and philosophical theories into bite‐sized chunks that are as easy to use as reading a book, hugging a plush, or watching a show. We created these done‐for‐you shortcuts so that you can focus on what really matters: being the best parent you can be.
The Slumberkins Connect‐to‐Grow approach can be taught from the moment a child is born. It's designed to be both comforting for children and a resource for adults to take the lead in a child's social‐emotional development. We designed it in this way because a child's emotional wellness is interconnected with important adults in their lives, and we wanted to support children and families in their emotional wellness.
Even though you might be familiar with the Slumberkins books, toys, plush, music–and even an Emmy‐nominated show on AppleTV+‐‐you may not be aware that below the surface is a rich therapeutic and educational foundation. And that's exactly how we planned it to be.
But if you know the Slumberkins world, you may want to know why we suggest using affirmations. You may want to know how we arrived at our methods. Being informed of the theory and the why behind our approach may help you feel more knowledgeable when using it with your children.
We were inspired to write this book to demonstrate all of the therapeutic benefits that were built into the foundation of the brand, each character, and piece of content that we put out there. All of that comes back to the ideas in this book. Each character in our Slumberkins universe is a part of a bigger picture, a concrete way to approach the emotional development of our children.
Previously these theories and methods were mostly available in family therapy sessions. We want to embed the same concepts that experts use into tools that are available to everyone to use at home.
Don't panic if you aren't familiar with Slumberkins–we will be sharing tips and strategies you can use and practice in your daily life as a parent or caregiver even without our books and plush characters.
We will show you a roadmap for proactively forming a positive foundation for your child's emotional health as well as effective strategies for navigating any bumps along the way.
HOW SLUMBERKINS WAS BORN
We are a former family therapist and special education teacher … and we had planned to retire that way. Never did we imagine that we would partner to form the educational brand and content company of our dreams.
Our story starts way back to high school when two awkward tall girls on the first day of volleyball tryouts just happened to become best friends. Since that day, our lives have generally run in a parallel direction: we both played Division 1 college sports on athletic scholarships, we both started our Master's programs in the world of education, and we both have kids around the same ages.
Kelly became a marriage and family therapist and school counselor. She spent her career working as a school counselor at a Title 1 School, mainly focusing on pre-k to middle school age children. In that environment, she focused on connecting the school with families, while supporting the mental and emotional health of everyone involved.
Callie became a special education and elementary school teacher, spending most of her career working in the world of special education at a K to 12 therapeutic day treatment school. (It's a very small setting that some school districts have that focuses on the mental and emotional health of students who are struggling with being safe and successful in a typical school environment.)
Then, serendipitously, we landed on maternity leave at the same time. Kelly had just had her first baby and Callie had just had her second. We would meet up and go on daily walks with the new babies, and oftentimes we would share stories and strategies that we were seeing in the schools.
There was one walk in particular when we had an “ah-ha” lightbulb moment. While our babies slept in their strollers, we realized that there were two simple things that made students in our programs more successful:
That the parents or primary caregiver were not only involved in the support, but that they also took an active role in the process of supporting the mental and emotional needs of the child.
But
most parents didn't know how to do this, they were afraid of messing up, and they were too overwhelmed to take initiative and research how to do it for themselves.
A student's perception of Self and their inner voice and world—their self-concept—was the key component of their ability to be successful. We knew developmentally that the inner voice is formed between the ages of 0 and 7, which means that these are the years you can make the biggest impact.
As we talked, we realized that there weren't many turn-key resources available to help families address these two things. Most of what we saw was curriculum-based—designed for educators, not parents.
At the same time, we knew that almost every family we worked with in the schools looked to us as the experts to “fix,” or support, their child. Unknowingly, they were giving their power away, simply because they didn't know how to meet the emotional needs underlying the behaviors or situations we saw their child exhibit in a school setting. Kelly, in her capacity as a family therapist, knew that anything we did, while beneficial, could be even more impactful. The key was empowering a parent or family member to say and do the therapeutic intervention with the child. The parent would have a much bigger impact than the counselor because of the connection they already have with the child. This is why we often say, “Parents are the best teachers of their child's emotional health and wellness.”
While discussing this, and looking at our infant sons snuggling some of their favorite loveys, we had the idea to try and imbue some of the therapeutic tools and strategies into storylines with unique plush creatures and see what we could come up with that would empower parents to take the lead.
To start, we infused a progressive muscle relaxation routine into a storyline with a sweet Sloth to help parents support their children in creating a mind-body connection at bedtime.
We also made a Bigfoot (we are from the Pacific Northwest, after all!) who needed some help with self-esteem. We created an interactive narrative therapy story that brought affirmations to life and supported coping with hurt feelings…of Bigfoot, and inevitably the child being read to.
Once we had the stories, we taught ourselves how to sew and started selling the books and stories at local craft fairs—mainly to other moms and educators. The “how” Slumberkins came to be is a whole different story for another time, but what we found in these early days was that the stories worked.
We would get message after message online from parents asking for more—more stories, more characters, and more resources—that after a couple years, it was time for us to pursue Slumberkins full-time. We built a brand that didn't exist in the world yet—one that approached children's mental and emotional health in a way that had never been done before. We took a step back, zoomed out, and asked ourselves as a therapist, educator, and mothers, what library of resources and content we would want to proactively build a child's emotional wellness, while supporting the parents in taking the lead in teaching these important skills.
What exists today is that foundation, roadmap, and approach for how to easily implement this into your everyday parenting life.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thank you to our children who have inspired this whole dream and multiple Slumberkins stories and creatures—Aidan, Oliver, Logan, Henry, Owen, and Cora. You push us and inspire us every day to walk the walk and be better mothers and people in the world. This whole journey would not be possible had we not had the serendipitous maternity leaves with Aidan and Owen—you two boys were the catalysts who gave us the gift of time together and inspiration to turn this idea into a reality.
To our parents—we are forever grateful to each of you for giving us the opportunities that have led us toward our own paths of emotional growth and healing.
As Slumberkins has grown and evolved, we have brought in additional educational and therapeutic experts and thought leaders to help build the roadmap. Thank you to our therapeutic leadership teammates and contributors Sarah Block, Kimberly Allen, Krista Olson, Claire LaPoma, and Cicely Rodgers, who have been our partners and peers (even before Slumberkins); they've been working behind the scenes in building the content and curriculum that exists today. Your contributions have helped create the continually expanding tools and resources that have an incredible impact on the lives of parents, educators, and children.
Alissa Kramer, thank you for contributing your deeply personal and vulnerable story and experience to this book and being on this journey with us. Vanesa Holfert, thank you for your support in the early process of determining how to organize the Connect-to-Grow Approach. To Suzanne Kolb, Tracy Brown Hamilton, Rosie Colosi, and Leigh Anne Gardner for helping us figure out how to wrangle everything we are so passionate about that has informed Slumberkins into this book at different parts of the process. Finally, to Amy Fandrei at Wiley Publishing, thank you for seeing that it was time for us to bring all of this information, content, and context together for parents and for giving us this opportunity.
INTRODUCTION
Children who are encouraged to identify, understand, and regulate emotions experience wide‐ranging, lifelong benefits including improved mental health and relationships. Our Connect‐to‐Grow approach—the foundation of Slumberkins—gives parents like you a way to apply proven therapeutic concepts in everyday moments to guide you in cultivating emotional wellness for your child, and ultimately yourself.
Just like you, we are tired parents who want to show up for our kids; we are always looking for ways to supercharge our existing routines so that there isn't necessarily more to do, but we're being more intentional when we do it. In this book, we'll help you find ways to meaningfully connect with your child that are easy for you and deeply impactful for them. We will give insights, tips, tools, and strategies that we've successfully used in schools and we try our best to also implement at home.
In many ways, our approach is less about doing and more about being. It focuses on guiding children—and in many cases parents—in understanding emotions and in caring for and expressing those emotions in a healthy way that leads to self‐awareness and personal growth.
Because you are here reading this, we assume you are a parent or caregiver and you're interested in understanding the mental and emotional well‐being of your child. You want them to be well adjusted and ready to handle whatever life may bring. This book may not be like other parenting books you've read before, however. We dive into the underlying beliefs that shape our self‐concept and understanding of the world around us. We know that our early childhood experiences shape how we see the world, and we want to support you in being able to parent through all of the foundational years for your child. The effort you put in now will last a lifetime.
WHAT YOU WILL GET OUT OF THIS BOOK
This book will give you the tools and information you need to feel empowered to parent in a conscious way that supports your child's developing sense of self. It will help cultivate the skills, attitudes, and beliefs that will be with them through their entire life. It will also illuminate the process by which this happens and describe how you can support the healthy development of these vital capacities.
You will find strategies to help guide you through everyday moments to meet your child's emotional needs and support their emotional development. We hope that after applying some of these principles, you'll find that you'll be experiencing moments of connection that bring meaning and depth to your parenting that you didn't realize were so important.
The book is full of tips to help your child build these skills proactively, as well as strategies to help your child grow in a positive direction when times feel tough. We've blended and boiled down theories to make these practices accessible and family‐friendly so that you can acknowledge and support your child's emotional needs on a deep level, from the infant stage through the tween years.
But we're not just here for your kids. We're here for you, too. This work may feel natural to some but overwhelming to others. Whichever side of the fence you land on, we want you to feel supported and informed on your journey as a parent.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
Anyone can implement this approach, whether you have experience with Slumberkins or Connect‐to‐Grow or not. We'll give you tangible, easy‐to‐implement tools that can take effect in just five minutes a day.
Part 1 of the book will give you the lay of the land. You'll learn more about how past parenting practices have led us to where we are now and the elements today's parents want to improve upon. You'll also discover the central tenets of the Connect‐to‐Grow approach and why and how you should use this approach with your family. You'll find ways to exercise this emotional muscle in your daily life and learn how maintaining this awareness will proactively help your kids to improve their emotional wellness. We are here to help you stay connected and feel confident in your ability to be the best parent you can be.
Part 2 is all about putting this approach into practice. You can work through the chapters in order, or you can prioritize the sections that encompass some of your child's more pressing struggles. Here, you'll find everyday situations that will benefit from more intentionality, as well as examinations of the tough stuff—situations we wish kids didn't have to experience. Each chapter explains the skill or theme we're focused on and gives you activities to implement to proactively build or show up when you need to support certain situations.
Because we completely understand the plight of a busy parent, we've designed this book so that you can choose your own adventure. You can start at the beginning and read straight through for the most in‐depth overview of our approach, or you can cherry‐pick your content based on your current family needs. There is a Use Case Guide at the end of the book for you to reference based on your needs.
Therapists are trained to meet you where you're at, and we want this book to function in the same way. We want to give you the tools to help with whatever is problematic in the moment in order to make the biggest impact, hoping that a first success will leave you open and available to keep trying to do this work.
—Kelly
ADDITIONAL FEATURES IN THE BOOK
Throughout the book, especially in Part 2, we include personal stories from us and a few of our collaborators that provide more context, specificity, and nuance in our approach. We hope these personal stories will better help you envision how Connect‐to‐Grow has worked in real‐life situations, as well as illustrate that even educators or experts make mistakes and aren't always able to be what we know we should be when it comes to parenting. At the end of the day, we are two mothers trying our best, just like you. We make a conscious choice to show up and do this work, and we trust in the process and know the investment of time and emotional energy will pay off for our children and for future generations who will be that much more emotionally attuned.
You'll also notice that in Part 2 we introduce you to the mascots of the Slumberkins universe. They will be familiar to some readers and new to others. We do so to add a memorable (and adorable) face to each emotional skill and to point you in the right direction if you want to add these characters into your parenting routines.
PARENTS ARE THE EXPERTS ON THEIR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL HEALTH
Your child is part of your heart. They're part of your soul. There is no connection that's going to be stronger than their connection to you in this early childhood moment. And that can feel scary…but it's also beautiful.
Who better to teach them to tap into their emotions than you?
Kids are incredibly attuned to you and need to feel trust in you as their leader. You're the captain of your family ship; kids want to feel confident in the fact that you'll steer them in the right direction. However, no captain can run a ship alone. It's essential to surround yourself with a supportive crew to shoulder the mental load.
We're here to join your crew.
As much as I have learned and “know” the best way to handle these parenting moments, I am making mistakes every day, reflecting, repairing, and trying again. That's the whole point. There is no way to parent “perfectly.” It's better to be present than perfect.
—Kelly
PART ONETHE THEORY BEHIND THE CONNECT-TO-GROW APPROACH
CHAPTER 1Early Emotional Learning Is Foundational
Early on in our educational careers, we were new moms working in education—and working on ourselves. We realized that our parents, and generations prior, didn't do much for our emotional wellness; instead they tried to manage our behavior.
When we were kids, there was a lot of “Go to your room if you're crying.” There just wasn't support for emotional learning. It wasn't that our parents didn't want to support our emotional lives; they just didn't know they needed to.
Similarly, when we were in college learning to be educators, focus and importance were placed on being a good “classroom manager” and maintaining order among our students. The whole point of getting an education was to go to college to get a “good job,” which were the same jobs that had existed for decades: doctor, lawyer, teacher. The learning process was all focused on achievement and rewards (and on shame if we didn't achieve those rewards). We learned techniques like using red/yellow/green behavior charts or sending a student to the principal's office as standard practice. Although these techniques are effective in the short term, we now understand that they can disrupt and harm the emotional development of a child. It can lead to children developing negative beliefs about themselves that stay with them long after they have left their school years behind them. What works in the short term is not best for our children in the long term.
Today, in the educational world, there has been a shift. The role of educators isn't necessarily to just get kids ready with the skills and knowledge they need to achieve but to help kids learn to be well-rounded, stable people who can go out into the world and find professional, emotional, and social success. Innovation is changing career options at a rapid pace—many of the jobs our kids may end up doing don't even exist yet. The skills they need are less about writing in cursive and doing math in a certain way—it's becoming more about navigating problem-solving, having a growth mindset, and being resilient.
Similarly, there has been a generational shift from equating “good behavior” with “good parenting.” We are now raising our children in a more conscious way. We want to break old patterns by encouraging communication rather than punishment. This is not easy work, and takes a lot of effort, but the payoff is well worth it for everyone.
Having a child can really turn your world upside down. No matter how many siblings you have, kids you babysat, or books you read, adding another human being to your family will take some adjusting. When you have a child, it is a unique moment when you have the opportunity to reflect on life itself. You are naturally seeing yourself in new roles, reflecting on your own experiences in childhood, your parents, and your current situation. Life is inviting you into a new phase, and for those who jump in, excited to learn to be the best parent possible, you have an opportunity to grow and heal yourself right alongside your child. By reflecting on your own experience and trying to accept and support your child, you have an approach to interrupting the patterns that you experienced, giving your child the chance to grow up with increased emotional awareness.
Even as a well-educated, emotionally aware parent, you can easily fall into the trap of repeating patterns from your past. Particularly when you feel overwhelmed, finding the energy to address rather than punish or control a behavior can feel impossible. We know because we've been there. Stay the course and remember that your work can change your child's emotional life for the better.
I wouldn't be so passionate about sharing what I know as a family therapist if I didn't believe in everyone's capacity to change and grow at any moment in their lives. I've seen it happen with so many of my clients, families, and friends as they enter the parenting journey.
—Kelly
Improving your approach to emotional regulation can have far-reaching impacts. As a parent, you can truly support positive changes in the world through your relationships with your children. Those relationships begin with educating your child about their emotions so that they can learn from them. You don't want to “control” their emotions; instead, they should meet them with curiosity so they can be felt, expressed, and understood.
In this chapter, you will learn about the building blocks of the Connect-to-Grow approach so you can put emotional learning at the center of your experience.
THE MAGIC OF THE CONNECT-TO-GROW APPROACH
We know this approach works because we have personally seen and felt the magic that happens when we meaningfully connect and engage with our children routinely. We've also seen the benefits of this approach in the schools as educators with countless families over the years.
In simple words, Connect-to-Grow helps you meet your child's need to feel seen and heard. Sounds easy, right? Even taking just five minutes of intentional time with your child regularly leads to immeasurable benefits to the emotional health of your child. And those benefits may be felt immediately.
Regardless of what you have read or studied, becoming a parent shows us that knowledge and lived experience are very different things. Nothing quite prepares you for the highs and lows of the journey of parenting. You can read all the books in the months before the baby arrives. You can take all the classes. You might have younger siblings or worked as a nanny. But there's a major difference between knowing what you're supposed to do as a parent and actually doing it.
Through my studies, I felt confident about becoming a parent because I had learned so much about family systems and therapeutic practices. When I actually became a parent, I realized that just because I knew what I should do, it didn't mean that I could actually do it in reality. Parenting smacked me in the face, saying “Nope! Just because you understand something doesn't mean that you're going to be able to do it any better than anybody else ever has.”
—Kelly
You can't fake your way through parenting. Your child is so attuned to you that they will feel and notice your emotional state, probably more than you would think possible. From an evolutionary perspective, a child's attachment to you is the way they survive. A child needs to be loved and connected to you in order to ensure their care. Because they are wired to connect on this deep level, whatever you are feeling internally can be and often subtly is felt by your child.
Once you understand and incorporate our approach with your child, you will see the magic is you. You have the power to make a meaningful impact for good in your child's formative years.
We hope that this roadmap will help you feel more confident and successful as a parent. When you start to see emotional maturity reflected back at you through your child, it makes the journey worthwhile. Imagine hearing your child reminding you that of course it's OK to make mistakes and that you are always lovable when you make mistakes. We will share some of our own examples of moments like this in Part 2, “Putting It into Practice.”
WHERE DOES CONNECT-TO-GROW COME FROM?
As a teacher and as a school therapist, our expertise as educators lies in the therapeutic and social-emotional aspects of learning; we know that students won't be able to absorb new skills if they are not first emotionally regulated. Therapists are trained to support children and adults in not only identifying their emotions but knowing what those emotions suggest about their needs. Everyone wants to feel purpose in their life, and many times it is by understanding ourselves better that we find our path to meaningful experiences in adulthood. Understanding ourselves starts with investigating what lies beneath our emotions.
We approach things a bit differently. We have seen our peers grow up, go out into the world, and achieve—and yet their success isn't complete if they don't feel seen. Having a PhD or a high-paying job doesn't necessarily lead to happiness.
We want to set our kids up in a better way. We don't just want to help your children develop these skills so that they'll grow up to be a good scientist or a good mathematician (although those things are obviously useful!). Instead, we think that emotional fluency is essential because it is your emotional world that paints your reality—how you view yourself in the world, how you view other people, and how you experience your full life. We give you a peek inside your child's emotional world, affirmations to help them develop a positive self-image, and actionable tips to help you support them at any age.
Connect-to-Grow goes beyond social-emotional learning by using everyday parenting situations and experiences to provide the awareness and structure around the formation of core beliefs, which are our deeply held understandings of the world around us. (We'll dive into those in Chapter 3, “Expanding on Core Beliefs.”)
Our perspective is that children and caregivers often have what they need already inside of them. We've examined the research on how our brain works to process emotional content and information and how this processing of emotions impacts our functioning and relationships over time. We believe that when people are able to access the deep wisdom inside of themselves, they naturally move toward healing and growth when they can. Everyone has the capacity to grow and change.
The Connect-to-Grow approach has been influenced by the following:
Carl Rogers (person-centered therapy)
Garry Landreth (child-centered play therapy)
Richard Schwartz (internal family systems theory)
Dan Siegel (interpersonal neurobiology)
Francine Shapiro (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy)
Stephen Porges (polyvagal theory)
Erik Erikson (psychosocial development theory)
Our own experiences as educators and moms
As we lay the groundwork for nurturing emotional and mental health and wellness in this part of the book, there is one trope that we must address. It is the source of much confusion around mental and emotional health that keeps us stuck in our patterns and unable to unlock the path to our own internal well-being. This trope has confined numerous well-intentioned people in internal prisons that might look good from the outside but feel constricting and hollow on the inside. It came from a good place but had some pretty limiting outcomes. It was what our parents wanted for us—an idea something along the lines of “I want my kids to be successful and happy.”
Of course, this is a kind and wonderful sentiment. However, lurking under the surface of this wish are some unexplored assumptions that we think this generation has uncovered and is ready to break through.
First, success means nothing when you don't feel good inside.
What is success? Many of us assumed it was getting a good job, looking a certain way, and having the “right” things like the right shoes, house, car, or phone. Television, movies, social media, and even our neighbors showed us all the ways we could look the part, driving consumerism and outward displays of success. If we were seen as successful, then we were successful. Well, in actuality, people have started to admit that they don't feel fulfilled by this kind of success. Just looking the part isn't eliciting the internal feeling of satisfaction that we had hoped. We want to feel successful because we are in alignment with our purpose. But many of us didn't even know where to start. We have been told what success looks like, and if we don't see that success reflected back at us, we feel like we have failed.
Second, happiness is a feeling; it is not a goal, a destination, or a state that one can live in at all times.
Many of us believed from the stories we read or the movies we watched that we would live happily ever after once we reached our goals. Except, those stories never really showed us how to do that. Once we thought we reached our happily ever after, we discovered that we were not happy the whole time. In fact, we had a lot of other feelings—feelings that we assumed were not “good feelings” like happiness but “bad feelings” like anger, loneliness, or jealousy. When we assume that we are only supposed to feel good feelings, we would again feel like failures if we felt bad feelings. We needed to find ways to shut down those bad feelings.
We want to offer a new direction for our kids. We want our children to be caring, confident, and resilient—prepared for anything life throws their way. We want them to find their purpose, live it, and feel fulfilled, aligned, and well. To build the roadmap to those goals, we must all agree and be open to the idea that all feelings are welcome.
