Another Ragbag Of Riches E-Book

James Chilton

• Herausgeber: Clink Street Publishing
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 167

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Beschreibung

Following the original A Ragbag of Riches published in 2017, here is another bundle of funny, factual, thought provoking and charming entries to "mingle quiet music with amiable irreverance". Not just witty, pithy quips and quotations but a diverse collection that have caught the eye or ear of James Chilton's enquiring mind and zany humour. Drawing from politians, scholars, artists, influential thinkers, jokers and the common man, from antiquity to the contemporary, they are partisan choices contributed to by Chilton's varied life as a soldier, traveller, singer, plantsman, author, painter, busnessman, designer and family man. It is the essence of the commonplace book but organised loosely into topics and enhanced by the sparkling illustrations of cartoonist Charlie Dunn. In addition and where possible, each author of the various entries has their dates added and a few relevant (and sometimes irrelevant) notes on their lives. From John Arlott to Boris Yeltsin (there is a useful index), from the trivial to the profound, from razor sharp criticism to poignant tributes, this is a book for all occasions. Each anecdote, musing, poem or prayer showcases humanity's variety. Whether to mine for speeches, to raise a smile in low moments, to inform or to entertain, Another Ragbag of Riches will provoke and delight. It is perfect for the bedside, for travel, for browsing and for present giving.

Leseprobe

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A book that furnishes no quotations is no book, it is a plaything.

Thomas Love Peacock (1785-1866), novelist, poet, satirist. Official of the East India Company

Quotations are the gold mine of the human mind, the silver pearls of the wisdom ocean, and the cool drops of the rain of intelligence.

Mehmet Murat Ildan (b 1965), Turkish poet, playwright and economist

A quotation at the right moment is like bread to the famished.

The Talmud

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator, which is often socially impressive.

Kenneth Williams (1926-1988), comedy actor

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), American essayist, philosopher, poet

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Contents

Title PageDedicationIntroduction1. The Human Condition2. Love, Marriage, Home and the Family3. Travel4. Creativity: the arts, literature, music and film5. Poetry and Lyrics6. Countryside and Nature7. Prayers, religion and morality8. Miscellaneous9. Wordplay and Numbers10. Food and Drink11. Legal12. Advice13. Politics, the Press, Journalism, Economics and the Military14. Old Age and Death15. Epitaphs and TributesAcknowledgementsIndexAlso by James Chilton

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For Candida, Fenella, Sacha, Alexander

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Introduction

When A Ragbag of Riches was published in 2017, I never thought that a similar collection of quotations, quips, graffiti, newspaper correspondence, thoughts and advice – learned, humorous, thought provoking, sublime and trivial, could have been captured in four years: the entries of the original volume had taken many years to be swept up. Somehow, the eye and ear have been more attuned to catching deserving entries. In any case, here they are, a similar random collection – the essence of a commonplace book, but nevertheless arranged in sections that seem appropriate although many defy a label.

The introductory words of the previous Ragbag are still relevant as this volume explores much the same wordy landscape that seems to have successfully entertained. Perhaps there are now less prayers and poetry and the military has got its boots in but essentially it is a book for pleasure. So once again, I invite you to wallow or skip lightly through this melange, and mingle quiet music with amiable irreverence.

Chipping Norton April 2021

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1 | The Human Condition

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Dorothy Parker (1893-1961), American poet, writer, humourist, political activist. Second marriage to Alan Campbell but kept name of first husband. Chosen epitaph ‘Excuse my dust’

Life isn’t about dawdling to the grave, arriving safely in an attractive, wrinkle-free body, but rather an adventure that ends skidding in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, worn out and screaming “Yee haa, what a ride!”

Written on a wall of The Mother Goose café in Bulls, New Zealand. Quoted from Music My Life by Brian Kay. Published 2020

School reports – reflections on youth:

Edward is a charming boy, covered in mud, blood, ink and jam. I hope he never commits a murder because he is bound to be caught!

Oliver van Oss (1903-1992), a legendary Eton housemaster

Rupert’s handwriting is much improved this term. Alas only revealing a great deficiency in his spelling.

Works hard at the subjects he likes – needs to increase the number of subjects he likes. 10

Surely in a week you had time to write a shorter essay?

Of Patrick Leigh Fermor, at The King’s School, Canterbury: A dangerous mixture of sophistication and recklessness.

Walter Sellar (1898-1951), co-author of ‘1066 and All That’, was a housemaster at Charterhouse. New boys were measured at the start and end of term and he was surprised to find that one boy had shrunk by half an inch. He began his report: ‘Henry has settled down nicely’.

Kenneth Rose (1924-2014), biographer, diarist and friend of royalty was for a short time a master at Eton. One of his students was Antony Armstrong-Jones and Rose wrote in his report: ‘Antony may be good at something but it is nothing we teach at Eton’.

11Correspondence in The Times in 2019 generated many examples of teachers’ facetiousness:

The improvement in his handwriting has revealed his inability to spell.

Give him a job and he will finish the tools.

In rugby, Hobbs shows useful speed when he runs in the right direction.

This boy has no need for a Scripture teacher. He needs a missionary.

Unlike the poor, Graham is seldom with us.

Fortunately, he has not lived up to his reputation.

Although he visits the well of knowledge occasionally, he needs to go more often and with a bigger bucket.

Sir, I write further to your letters on school sarcasm. During my brief teaching career I more than once wrote on a school report: ‘Your son is trying.’ It seemed to satisfy the parents just as it did me.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

Sir David Paradine Frost (1939-2013), television host, journalist, comedian, writer. Played for Nottingham Forest FC. Interviewed eight Prime Ministers and seven US Presidents12

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore And that’s what parents were created for.

Ogden Nash (1902-1971), American poet

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 BC), Roman orator, statesman, lawyer, philosopher

There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.

Jean Kerr, born Bridget Jean Collins, (1922-2003), Irish-American author and playwright

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Herbert Asquith, 1st Earl of Oxford (1852-1928), statesman, Prime Minister. Classical scholar. Alcoholic

At 18 our convictions are hills from which we look; at 45 they are caves in which we hide.

Francis Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940), American writer. Commissioned soldier. Alcoholic

Education is what is left after what you have learnt has been forgotten.

13Colette was once actually hailed in a London magazine – and quite seriously – as ‘The Queen of French Letters’.

Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette (1873-1954), French author, actress, journalist

When Somerset Maugham lived in Cap d’Antibes, he invited his neighbour over to dinner who asked if he could bring Picasso, who was staying with him. Maugham’s immediate answer was ‘Does he play bridge?’

Somerset Maugham(1874-1965), playwright, novelist, short story writer. Qualified as a doctor. Gay but married

Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.

Nora Ephron(1941-2012), American journalist, film maker. Three nominations for an Academy Award

Toutes les femmes sont comédiennes, à l’exception de quelques actrices. [All women act a part, save a few actresses.]

Sacha Guitry (1885-1957), French actor, director, playwright. Married five times, all to actresses

Five reasons why it’s great to be a woman:

You can put a duvet cover on a duvet without asphyxiating yourself.You can observe a barbecue without feeling the urge to intervene.You can wear a ponytail and not look like a total jerk.You can wear women’s underwear without being arrested.You can remain silent whilst in a car with another female driver. 14

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Joseph Conrad, born Joseph Korzeniowski, (1857-1924), Polish/British novelist, sailor. Depressive

What is love? I have met in the streets a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, the water passed through his shoes and the stars through his soul.

Victor Hugo (1802-1885), French poet, novelist and dramatist

Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter Sermons and soda-water the day after.

Baron Byron (1788-1824), poet, politician and traveller

‘Conversation’ is when three women stand in the corner talking. ‘Gossip’ is when one of them leaves.

Herb Shriner (1919-1970), American humourist15

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

Mary Jane ‘Mae’ West(1893-1980), American actress, singer, playwright

The British are suspicious of anything foreign but then they drive a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travel home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Anon

England has 42 religions and only two sauces.

Voltaire, born François-Marie Arouet, (1694-1778), French writer, historian, philosopher, poet. Critic of Roman Catholicism

Two views of heaven and hell:

Heaven is an English policeman, a French cook, a German engineer and Italian lover and everything organised by the Swiss.

Hell is an English cook, a French engineer, a German policeman, a Swiss lover and everything organised by the Italians.

Heaven is an English house with a Chinese cook, a Japanese wife on an American salary.

Hell is a Japanese house with an English cook, an American wife on a Chinese salary. 16

An English army led by an Irish general; that might be a match for a French army led by an Italian general.

George Bernard Shaw(1856-1950), Irish playwright, critic, political activist. 60 plays. Nobel Prize for Literature, 1925

The Swiss are not a people so much as a neat, clean, quite solvent business.

William Faulkner (1897-1962), American writer. Nobel Prize for Literature

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

Sathnam Sanghera (b 1976), British journalist. First in English from Cambridge. Fellow, Royal Society of Literature

A lion goes into the Circus Maximus. The gladiator whispers into its ear, ‘You’ve got to say a few words after dinner.’ The lion slinks away.

If you kowtow too low, you show your arse.

Anon17

They say the definition of ambivalence is watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.

David Mamet (b 1947), American playwright, film director, author. Pulitzer Prize winner

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

Henry Ford (1863-1947), American industrialist. Founder of Ford Motor Company

Buy a pup and your money will buy

Love unflinching that cannot lie;

Perfect passion and worship fed

By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.

Nevertheless it is hardly fair

To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936), journalist, poet, writer, novelist

Be aware, a favourite has no friends.

English proverb18

Princes are never without flatterers to seduce them; ambition to deprave them; and desires to corrupt them.

Plato (428-347 BC), Athenian philosopher

In human affairs there is no certain truth and all our knowledge is but a woven web of guesses.

Xenophanes (570-475 BC), Greek philosopher, theologian, poet, traveller

Against those who laud the present state of society, with its unjustly rich and its unjustly poor, with its palaces and its slums, its millionaires and its paupers, be it ours to proclaim that there is a higher ideal in life than that of being first in the race for wealth… Be it ours to declare that health, comfort, leisure, culture, plenty for every individual are far more desirable than the breathless struggle for existence, the furious trampling down of the weak by the strong, huge fortunes accumulated out of the toil of others, to be handed down to those who had done nothing to earn them.

Annie Besant (1847-1933), Irish women’s rights activist, philanthropist, writer. Champion of human freedom. 300 books and pamphlets

Among Spike Milligan’s bon mots is the aphorism that ‘All men are cremated equal’.

‘Spike’ Milligan, born Terence Alan Milligan (1918-2002), English/Irish comedian, writer, poet, actor. Early life in Rangoon, son of Captain Alphonse Milligan. Author of seven volume autobiography. One of the Goons.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

Ibid19

There are no pleasures in life worth giving up for two more years in a care home in Weston-super-Mare.

Sir Kingsley Amis (1922-1995), novelist, poet, critic. Twenty novels, six volumes of poetry. Booker Prize winner

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Jerome Klapka Jerome (1859-1927), humourist writer

Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.

May Sarton, born Eleanore Sarton (1912-1995), American/Belgian poet, novelist. Gay. 53 books

Worry is like a rocking chair. It will give you something to do but it won’t get you anywhere.

Anon20

Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money.

‘Johnny’ Cash (1932-2003), American singer-songwriter, guitarist, actor, author

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I highly recommend worrying. It is much more efficient than dieting.

William Powell (1892-1984), American actor. 96 films

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

Rex Stout (1886-1975), American writer of detective stories. ‘Best Mystery Writer of Century’ – 1959

In the 20th century, the United States endured two world wars and other traumatic and expensive military conflicts; the Depression; a dozen or so recessions and financial panics; oil shocks; a flu epidemic; and the resignation of a disgraced president. Yet the Dow rose from 66 to 11,497.

A man from the west will fight over three things: water, women and gold, and usually in that order.

Barry Goldwater (1909-1998), American politician, businessman, author. Senator and presidential nominee. Air Force major general

After the 1958 Revolution in Iraq, the sign in the Baghdad public swimming baths reading ‘NANNIES SIT HERE’ remained in place until 1973.21

I’d like to live like a poor man with lots of money.

Pablo Picasso (1881-1973), Spanish painter, sculptor, poet, stage designer. Co-founder of Cubism

When someone says ‘It’s not about money’, it’s about money.

Henry Mencken (1880-1956), American journalist, satirist and scholar. Multi-volumed study on English language and hundreds of thousands of letters

An income tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.

John Sullivan, known as Fred Allen (1894-1956), American comedian

Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Sir Winston Churchill(1874-1965)22

Too many people spend money they earned… To buy things they don’t want… To impress people they don’t like.

William Rogers (1879-1935), American actor, cowboy, humourist. Cherokee Indian

You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.

Dolly Parton (b 1946), American singer, songwriter, guitarist, actress, author. Composer of 3000 songs

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

Zsa Zsa Gabor (1917-2016), American/Hungarian actress and socialite. Married nine times

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.

Rita Rudner (b 1953), American comedienne, writer and actress

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

Ibid

Dancing with her was like moving a piano.

Ringgold ‘Ring’ Lardner(1885-1933), American sports commentator and satirist23

I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men. They are far superior and always have been. Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!

William Golding (1911-1993), British novelist, playwright and poet

Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Bumper sticker – Nevada, October 2019 24

LET’S DO IT

Adam and Eve did it originally.

Musicians do it with rhythm.

Prince Rainier did it with grace.

Students do it with tuition.

Workers do it laboriously.

Card players do it with patience.

Junkies do it at speed.

Anaesthetists do it generally.

The famous do it by repute.

Campanologists do it with appeal.

Magicians do it with illusion.

Alcoholics do it with spirit.

Criminals do it with intent.

Photographers are exposed when they do it.

Tricksters do it with confidence.

Underwriters do it with assurance.

Solicitors do it when instructed.

Barristers do it briefly.

Engineers do it with precision.

Charles had the dickens of a time doing it.

Insurance brokers do it with acclaim.

Dan did it daringly.

Bankers do it with interest.

Godot is still waiting to do it.

Publicans do it with licence.

Bank managers do it creditably.

Electricians do it shockingly.

Opticians do it out of sight.

Newsagents do it periodically.

Decorators do it with strippers.

Butchers do it beefily, and sometimes ham it up.

Speed cops do it with a siren.

Pile-drivers do it boringly.

Beer drinkers do it bitterly.

Dustbin men refuse to do it.25

Postmen do it with an early delivery.

Poker players do it with a flush.

Some guys do it with a rope.

Physicists do it with energy.

Undergraduates do it to a certain degree.

Haematologists do it bloody well.

Some authors do it in a novel way.

Poets are well versed in it.

Reviewers do it critically.

Chilterns do it in their hundreds.

Smiths do it crisply.

Policemen do it with apprehension.

Psychologists do it mindfully.

Dentists are drilled to it.

Beauticians face up to it.

Broadcasters do it frequently.

Milkmen do it with the crème de la crème.

Mathematicians multiply when they do it.

Wykehamists do it mannerly

and carpenters screw it up.

Maggie Chilton (b 1940), consultant psychotherapist, 1980

Sign seen by the writer and broadcaster Gyles Brandreth (b 1948) at a chemist in Frome, Somerset 26

I have outlived my usefulness,

So a quiet life for me.

Where once I used to scintillate

Now I sin ’till ten past three.

Where once I lived in CAPITALS,

My life intensely phallic,

Now I’m sadly lower case

With occasional italic.

Roger McGough (b 1937), poet, broadcaster, children’s author, playwright. President of the Poetry Society, Fellow of Royal Society. Translator of Molière plays

Out of work, divorced, usually pissed, He aimed low in life and missed

Ibid

I’m at the stage in life when if a girl says ‘No’ to me I’m profoundly grateful.

Heywood ‘Woody’ Allen, born Allan Konigsberg (b 1935), American director, writer, actor, comedian. Four Academy Awards. Clarinet player27

The more I see of men the more I like dogs.

Germaine de Staël-Holstein (1766-1817), French historian and intellectual

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright (b 1955), American comedian, actor, writer. Oscar and Emmy awards

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), American Statesman and lawyer. 16th President of the United States. Assassinated 15th April 1865

Do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your god.

Favourite quote of Rabbi Hugo Gryn (1930-1996). Survived Auschwitz. Mathematical scholar at Cambridge. Degrees in Hebrew. From Book of Michael

When Clive James first lived in London he had digs near Piccadilly Circus. Longing for an avocado as a reminder of home, he went to his nearest grocer – Fortnum & Mason. An elegant young man in a frock coat and striped trousers was pleased to help and offered a ripe fruit. James enquired how much it was and on being told it was ten shillings he exploded: “There are so many that fall into my back yard that I have to sweep them up into a barrow. I tell you where you put that – right up your…” The elegant young man held up his hand to stop him. “Indeed sir, but unfortunately I’m already accommodating a pineapple at five guineas.”

Clive James, born Vivian Leopold James (1939-2019), Australian critic, broadcaster, poet (nine published volumes). Fluent in seven languages28

The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool.

Jorge de Santayana y Borrás (1863-1952), Spanish poet, novelist, philosopher

There are two types of people – those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.

Indira Gandhi (1917-1984), Indian politician, stateswoman. Twice Prime Minister of India

I only know two tunes. One of them is ‘Yankee Doodle’ and the other isn’t.

Ulysses Grant (1822-1885), American Union General. 18th President of the United States. Champion of African and Jewish contenders for political office

If you think going to the moon is hard, try staying at home.

Barbara Cernan, wife of US astronaut Gene Cernan

Filling in an embarkation form on a channel crossing: Harold Nicholson: ‘What age are you going to put, Osbert?’Osbert Sitwell: