Be Hopeful, Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Curious E-Book

Ruth S. Pearce

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 400

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

Understand the valuable insights a professional life coach can bring to your life In Be Hopeful, Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Curious: How Coaching Can Help You Get Out Of Your Own Way and Create A Meaningful Life, veteran coach Ruth Pearce delivers an incisive set of strategies designed to help you celebrate your wins and focus on the positives in your life. In this "portable life coach," you'll learn how to look at problems, challenges, and uncertainties in a way that can lead to deeper meaning in your professional and personal life. The author describes the substantial benefits of working with an actual coach, and how a coach can help you during times of struggle and in times of growth. You'll discover how: * To find the resources you need to live your life better and bring perspective, curiosity, and a willingness to challenge beliefs to everything you do * To create generative, expansive, and open solutions to some of life's most challenging obstacles * A coach can benefit you in your work, at home, at school, and anywhere else Perfect for anyone who is considering working with a life coach to help them understand their professional and personal goals, Be Hopeful, Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Curious is also a must-read for those curious about the principles underlying professional and life coaching.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Cover

Table of Contents

Title Page

Foreword

Introduction

Section 1: Starting with Who You Are

CHAPTER 1: Finding Meaning & Purpose:

Inspiration

The Meaning of Meaning

Case Study: Tegan

Finding Inspiration

What Is Meaning?

Why Does Having a Sense of Meaning Matter?

What Are Some Ways to Find

My

Meaning?

Who Are You in This Life?

Case Study: Tegan

Notes

CHAPTER 2: In Your Own Way:

Normalization

Being in Your Own Way

Case Study: Tegan & Jamal

Normal vs. Average

Normal vs. Universal

Psychological Flexibility

Case Study: Tegan

An Aside on the Opportunities of Groups

Note

CHAPTER 3: Getting Out of Your Own Way:

Improvisation

Reason and Emotion

Case Study: Tegan

There Is No Magic Recipe for Success

It Is Not Just the Client That Must Get Out of the Way

Where We Are Going Next

Notes

Section 2: Launching the Journey to Your Future

CHAPTER 4: Appreciating the Coaching Journey:

Co-Creation

Case Study

Is a Coach Even Necessary? (Or Can I Coach Myself?)

The Role of the Coach

Case Study: Tegan

Being a Coaching Client

Notes

CHAPTER 5: Being Hopeful:

Expectation

Focusing on Hope

Defining Hope

Elementary Time Travel

Visualizing Outcomes

Seeing Pathways

Interactions of Hope with Other Strengths

Case Study: Jamal

Cultivating Hope

Case Study: Jamal

Hope Is Not Just for Individuals

Notes

CHAPTER 6: Being Strong:

Motivation

Strengths as Pathways to Motivation

Character Strengths 101

Character Strengths as Core Motivators

Case Study: Tegan

Case Study: Tegan

Knowing Your Strengths

What Else Do You Need to Know About Strengths?

The Art of Balancing

SEAing Is Believing

Bringing It Back to Motivation

Notes

CHAPTER 7: Being Brave:

Conversation

Being Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

Changing the Narrative with Coaching

Case Study: Jamal

Fired Up with Curiosity

Notes

CHAPTER 8: Being Curious:

Exploration

What Is Curiosity?

Case Study: Tegan

Why Curiosity Is Powerful

Case Study: Jamal

Why Curiosity Can Be Too Much

Cultivating Healthy Curiosity as a Coach

Cultivating Healthy Curiosity as a Client

The Interaction of Client and Coach

Case Study: Tegan

Being Curious About Curiosity

Notes

Section 3: Moving (Closer) to Who You Want to Be

CHAPTER 9: Creating Your Meaningful Life:

Transformation

Incidental Coaching

Discoveries You Would Have Made Anyway—Eventually

Case Study: Jamal

And Discoveries That Might Have Remained Hidden

Coaches Transform Too

Some Last Thoughts on Meaning and Transformation

Notes

CHAPTER 10: Conclusion: Choosing Your Next Act:

Intention

Revisiting Being Open to Surprises

Moving Forward with Intention—and Action

Launch Your Meaningful Life

Afterword—AI: Next-Level Coaching or Ethical No-no?

Case Study: Tegan

Evolving Thoughts as Tools Evolve

Coaching Is for the Client, Not the Coach

What Does AI Think About the Ethics of AI in Coaching?

How Do We Deliver the Promise of Coaching Without Tools Such as AI?

Case Study: Jamal

Conclusion

Notes

APPENDIX A: Core Competencies for Clients

Notes

APPENDIX B: Tegan's Profile

APPENDIX C: Jamal's Profile

APPENDIX D: What to Ask a Potential Coach

APPENDIX E: Is It Time for a Change? Is This a Coaching Moment for You?

How Often and How Long?

Readiness for Change

Are

You

Ready for Coaching?

Note

Acknowledgments

About the Author

About the Book Advisory Board

Index

Copyright

Dedication

End User License Agreement

Guide

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Foreword

Introduction

Table of Contents

Begin Reading

Afterword—AI: Next-Level Coaching or Ethical No-no?

Appendix A: Core Competencies for Clients

Appendix B: Tegan's Profile

Appendix C: Jamal's Profile

Appendix D: What to Ask a Potential Coach

Appendix E: Is It Time for a Change? Is This a Coaching Moment for You?

Acknowledgments

About the Author

About the Book Advisory Board

Index

End User License Agreement

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Praise forBe Hopeful, Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Curious: How Coaching Can Help You Get Out of Your Own Way and Create a Meaningful Life

“This book is both a compass and a map to a new version of you. Buy this book, read this book, and step into something bigger!”

—Tim Jaques, Founder and CEO • Teaming Worldwide

“Ruth is a MACHINE! I am in awe of how quickly she wrote this book. And, of course, it's AMAZING. The chapter titles and sequence are perfect, and I really like how she's included so many voices. In fact, my jaw dropped when I saw echoes of our conversation around meaning in the first chapter! That was so cool. I really like what it's become.”

—Kari Kelly, Enterprise Agile Coach at Dandy People

“Ruth Pearce is an exceptional writer and storyteller. In this book, Ruth explains how and why coaching works. The book is written with positivity and hope, clearly stating what coaching can do for you. Ruth is both strong and brave in sharing vulnerability about her own successes and failures—and throughout the book she remains curious about why.”

“The case studies are a wonderful opportunity for Ruth to showcase exactly how coaching works in a way that resonates with the reader. Ruth also includes coaching questions and various points in the book for self-reflection and self-coaching. These value-added features make the book both practical and accessible for anyone who is considering hiring a coach for their development. As a coach who often finds it challenging to explain what coaching is, I am looking forward to referring potential coaching clients to Ruth's book for guidance on whether coaching is right for them.”

—Asila Calhoun, ACC, CIC, PHR, SHRM-CP, Principal & Leadership Coach

“This book feels like a powerful self-audit. It is meant for individuals who are considering coaching, and yet it is very helpful for coaches too. Reading it as a coach, it challenges you to think, what must I dial up? What must I dial down? What questions would I have asked? Is this question more powerful—do I want to add it to my toolkit? So if you are a coach with limited opportunity to hear from other coaches, this is a really good book.”

—Irene Poku, UN Women UK Delegate to the UN CSW67 | Authentic Leadership Coach

“Learn from the best positive psychology coach there is—this book will show you how to be curious about your strengths and resources, how hope can make you discover the opportunities that are before you, and how you can utilise bravery to follow your plan and make the decisions that will lead you to your better future!”

—Marjorie Aunos, PhD, Psychologist, Speaker, and Accessibility Consultant

“With this incredible new book, I now have Ruth's coaching advice at my fingertips. It's a must-read for anyone hungry for guidance. She is incredibly insightful, deeply committed, and passionate about unlocking her clients' true potential.”

—Clarissa Schuh, High Tech Sales Enablement Manager

“Ruth has the unique ability to challenge us with profound questions and encourage us to face the future with active hope and bravery. In her new book, she demystifies the coaching process, offering valuable insights on how to overcome obstacles in the life journey toward finding purpose and meaning.”

—Renata Rangel, MSc, Career & Well-Being Coach

Be Hopeful, Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Curious

How Coaching Can Help You Get Out of Your Own Way and Create a Meaningful Life

Ruth S. Pearce

Foreword

by Dana Brownlee

It's not enough to have strengths and talents. We all have them, but too often we can't necessarily see them as others do—just as we can't see the nose on our face.

During my early years as a corporate trainer, I'd worked hard to catch the attention of a major international training organization. Having launched my own company after a decade or so of traditional corporate experience, I was more than confident about my abilities facilitating dynamic and engaging sessions, but securing the clients was not just a challenge but downright terrifying at times. That's why the opportunity to partner with a leading international training company was beyond enticing. While I was thrilled to talk to them about coming on board as a contract trainer, I felt a gut punch as the instructor relations representative explained that they were interested in bringing me on not to teach the team building courses I'd grown comfortable executing but instead to teach a project management requirements course—ouch! While I immediately pushed back on that, insisting that “requirements management” wasn't my sweet spot (while internally nursing feelings of inadequacy and terror), she, undeterred, methodically walked me through my own résumé, pointing out my broad range of experience, specifically that of eliciting, documenting, and managing requirements on an array of technical projects over several years. The more we chatted, the more I could see my own expertise, which I hadn't just minimized but completely ignored.

I trusted her assessment, began teaching that course, and absolutely thrived. My students over the years gave me rave reviews in particular because I was able to weave in so many tangible, practical examples from my years of management consulting experience. A few years later, having taught multiple course titles successfully, I was asked by the same training company to author a new Business Analysis course, their flagship course for the new topic area. Again, I was hesitant, uncertain, and resistant, but their representative again talked me through how my corporate experiences were a strong fit for the course content, and, in doing so, they bolstered my confidence around growing into the prominent leadership role of course author. Within months of our conversation, I'd not only authored a newly successful course but also traveled around the United States and beyond, teaching inaugural course events that other instructors could audit to prepare them to teach the course as well. I wasn't just the lead instructor but also the leading authority guiding instructors, making content decisions and influencing the direction of the course. I'd grown into a much broader, more influential role, and they'd coached me through that process. While I'd garnered the raw talent years earlier, it was their periodic coaching, which I had no idea I needed, that helped me begin to see the breadth and depth of my talents for the first time.

That shift changed the trajectory of my business, my career, and, ultimately, my sense of self. That type of support and enlightenment is a gift that we all deserve to have as we work to create our most fulfilling and impactful lives. That's why this book is so critically necessary. It's a guidebook to help each of us self-reflect and determine whether coaching can become a pathway to achieving new levels of performance, accomplishment, and personal contentment.

If you have ever thought about dipping your toe into the “coaching waters,” this book is for you. Ironically, those who haven't seriously thought about it might benefit even more. In Be Hopeful, Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Curious, coaching guru Ruth Pearce uses a mindful, strengths-focused approach to demystify a concept that's often misunderstood: the world of professional coaching.

The world is full of critics—people to point out your faults and gaffes—but Ruth's brilliance, as a mindfulness practitioner and coacher of coaches, is her passion around helping others identify, celebrate, and leverage their unique strengths. A longtime VIA Character Strengths facilitator, Ruth's top strengths are Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence, Bravery, Curiosity, Fairness, Gratitude, and Hope, and those are the traits and values that undergird each chapter as she outlines a roadmap for you to take a personal inventory of your own readiness to explore coaching as a resource for enhanced growth and development.

The truth is that when our strengths are ensconced within our blind spots, we're tapping into only a portion of our potential. Tragically, it's the strengths that are most inherent in our personality, the most automatic, that can also be the most unconscious and unrecognized. We more likely just assume everyone is wired that way and miss the uniqueness of our talent.

Unfortunately, unrecognized talent can translate into missed opportunity year after year after year.

If you're wondering whether you're really tapping into your full potential or perhaps missing valuable growth and achievement opportunities, consider these questions that the book helps you explore:

What is coaching anyway?

What myths have you internalized about who gets coaching and why?

Are you a good candidate for professional coaching?

Are you ready to be coached?

Will coaching help you reach your professional goals?

What does the coaching process look like? Feel like?

What outcomes can you expect from regular coaching?

Can you coach yourself? Is that really a thing?

How do you find the right coach for you?

Have you internalized limiting beliefs that have blocked your own progress?

Do you truly understand your own values, interests, and goals?

Do you want to be held accountable…really?

Are you ready to grow?

Arguably, these are the types of existential questions that so many busy, highly successful professionals grapple with, consciously or subconsciously, as they contemplate their own growth and development. This book will help guide you through that critically important process of self-reflection and analysis.

I remember having heard someone say years ago that Tiger Woods spends millions of dollars each year on “golf lessons.” Admittedly, if that's true, they're most likely not the type of “lessons” you or I would get, but the statement still initially landed for me as somewhat counterintuitive. But the more I thought about it, the more it made complete sense. When you have a continuous improvement mindset, as all world-class athletes certainly do, coaching becomes more important, not less. I'd argue that the same holds true for the best of the best in any field. What separates them is that they view excellence not as a destination but as a journey—a perpetual one—and they're always in pursuit.

 — Dana Brownlee, President, Professionalism Matters, Inc.

Introduction

I think there is a lot of magic and miracle work in coaching. And the art and science of coaching are much misunderstood and often underestimated.

It is not just the way the coaching process works but the very idea of a coach. We may look as though all we have to do is sit and listen and ask a question now and then. In fact, we are admonished by our training not to do too much of the work. “Leave the work to the client,” our trainers tell us. The truth is that there is plenty of work for the coach. But what does the coach actually do?

We keep time—and not just minute by minute so that we can abruptly interrupt your flow with a brash “Our time is up.” We let you know where we are and check in on progress. As much as we can, we bring the session to a “soft landing,” leaving you with things to think about, maybe act upon, but not leaving you hanging.

We listen for themes—insights and topics that come up again and again.

We observe and highlight shifts in energy—excitement, lethargy, enthusiasm, and dismay.

We maintain a safe space for whatever you want to express, which is sometimes a rollercoaster of emotions.

We keep your secrets, always honoring the confidentiality and trust of the relationship.

We remind you of your goals and help you adjust them any time you change your mind.

We focus exclusively on you until it is time to stop.

We stay connected with your story between sessions and connect the dots throughout the arc of the coaching relationship.

We tailor our approach to take account of the uniqueness of you.

We temper personal curiosity (“Tell me about your job”) while using curiosity to expand your awareness (“What do you need me to know about your job for me to be helpful?”).

We look at things from your perspective while inviting you to look at things from a different point of view.

And, believe me, it takes more energy to withhold an obvious piece of advice than to share it. But we know that as tempted as you are to ask for the solution, your success will feel sweeter when you come up with your own plan.

We challenge, encourage, and cheer for you, and we celebrate your wins.

And then we reset and do it again for the next client.

I wish I could more effectively communicate the value of coaching and the investment we make to be good coaches. I make the case for coaching to coaches all the time. I have been privileged to train more than 60 coaches in my career!

But I was surprised to be invited to write this book, because this book isn't for coaches. The intention of this book is to pull back the curtain on the coaching process and to give you, the potential coaching client, an insight into what coaching is about and why you might want some for yourself.

When I first started to write this introduction, I was going to describe you, the audience, as the “potential coaching beneficiary.” Apart from that sounding academic (pompous), I realized it is also not a fair representation. As a coach, I learn a tremendous amount from my coaching clients. Through my clients, I have learned about changing my mindset, changing my habits, identifying what is meaningful in life, making healthy choices, learning to let go—and the list goes on. It is not because I did not know the theory behind these things and more; it is because there is a big gap between the “what I want/need to be and do” and the “how I am going to get myself to do it and be it.”

My wonderful coaching clients have shown me not just where the path is but how to walk it while wearing the wrong shoes and having left my compass at home. As a result of my interactions with my clients, I have changed my eating, drinking, exercise, and sleeping habits. I have narrowed my work focus, identified what matters most to me, and put my energy into those parts of my life. I have made tough choices and built greater resilience and stamina. I have seen how my clients have struggled and succeeded—or adapted—and this has inspired and informed my own journey. For the sake of yourself and your future coach, I hope you will embark on the coaching journey. Both of you will benefit!

I hope my clients receive as much from working with me as I receive from working with them. Some of them helped me put language into the journey that is coaching. It is a brave thing to do because it exposes their vulnerability, but it is what this book needs to reach its audience. So, thank you!

Navigating the Book

This book is split into three sections. The first section, Chapters 1–3, focuses on how to identify your meaning and purpose, why you should want to, what it means to be in your own way, and how to get out of it. If your sense of meaning and purpose is clear, you might find this section less relevant. Maybe you have already explored the questions in this section. No problem. Just jump to the second section, which includes concrete suggestions.

The second section, Chapters 4–8, explores the challenges of creating a life of meaning and examines how coaching can help you get out of your own way. The suggestions in this section are more concrete, and you will see a lot of opportunities to measure the progress of your journey.

Then, Chapter 9 brings it all together (coaching, meaning, and action) and explores how you can create the life you want—how you can transform.

In the Conclusion, we will consider the next steps. You will also find some tools in the appendices that will help you decide who you want to be in coaching, how you want to show up, what you want to focus on, which behaviors you want to cultivate and which you want to dial back. We will cover what tools you need to build awareness and to discover new learnings and new ways of being, and how to find your coach.

There are five appendices as follows:

Appendix A – Proposed core competencies for coaching clients

Appendix B – Profile of Tegan – one of our case study clients

Appendix C – Profile of Jamal – the second of our case study clients

Appendix D – Suggested questions for selecting your coach

Appendix E – Identifying what is, and is not, a coaching moment

Throughout this journey, I will be working with Tegan (she/her) and Jamal (he/him). Through their experiences, we will examine what coaching is, how it works, and what the results are. To find out more about Tegan and Jamal, check out their profiles in Appendix B and Appendix C, respectively.

Each chapter concentrates on a theme for coaching. Whether you are a potential coaching client seeking to understand what a coaching process might look like for you or a coach wanting to better explain coaching to a potential client, each of the chapters elaborates on one idea—Hope, Strength, and so on. Each of the chapters provides resources for coach and client alike. The book taken all together is a possible pathway to growth and learning through coaching.

Chapter 1—Finding Meaning & Purpose: Inspiration

When we inspire, we draw people into our journey—or theirs. We connect them to their path, which is what this book is meant to do. Chapter 1 is intended to inspire you to find your why and use the tools in the book, and possibly a coach, to help you grab that why and make it your North Star.

Chapter 2—In Your Own Way: Normalization

One of the most common symptoms that shows up in the coaching “room” is imposter syndrome. Most of us suffer from it—that feeling that at any moment someone will notice that we are not who they thought we were, that we don't know what they thought we knew, or that we cannot do what they thought we could do. And many of us feel like we are the only person in the world going through it. Obviously, everyone else is feeling good, right? Chapter 2 discusses the difference between normal, commonplace, and habitual actions/thoughts. I'll explore ways you might be creating obstacles that keep you from being who you want to be and what you can do to stop.

Chapter 3—Getting Out of Your Own Way: Improvisation

Although Chapter 3 explores some Holy Grails of coaching (things coaches hold dear), there really are very few rules. Thank goodness coaching is a forgiving art and science. Coaches improvise and use their intuition, experience, and training. Every client is different, and every day is different. Sometimes that improvisation proves fruitful and provides the client with an aha moment, whereas other times the client shakes their head or looks perplexed. But if we have a good coach-client relationship, good standards, and good intentions, that's okay.

I improvise a lot in this book. Some things will land well and others will make you perplexed. Either way, feel free to write to me if you want to follow up.

Chapter 4—Appreciating the Coaching Journey: Co-Creation

To get the most out of coaching, the client and the coach need to be ready to co-create the journey together. The coaching client gets to determine what is important, what goes into the agenda, and where the attention is focused. And the coach, if the relationship is going to be fruitful, keeps that agenda in mind, builds the framework, and walks alongside the client as together they draw the client's roadmap.

In this book, we will journey together. I will offer questions and examples, and I hope that you will come to appreciate, in all senses of the word, the journey.

Chapter 5—Being Hopeful: Expectation

To make progress, we need hope. Chapter 5 explores what hope is—and isn't. We will examine some common misconceptions about hope and shatter some illusions about it. More than wishing, we will make it so!

Chapter 6—Being Strong: Motivation

Many clients come with blind spots. They don't really know what makes them special. They don't know what drives them. And they don't always recognize that their special qualities are special. Chapter 6 measures different types of strengths and explores how you can be motivated to act on those strengths.

I am motivated to act by you and by the hope that you will make discoveries as you read this book—about yourself, about what is available to you, and about what meaningful contribution you are motivated to make.

Chapter 7—Being Brave: Conversation

One of the coaches who advised me in the writing of this book said, “Remember to explain that the best coaching is compassionate and tough.” And it is true: You will not make changes, discover new things, or make difficult decisions if your coach keeps you squarely in your comfort zone. The ways of thinking you have used before will result in the same outcomes. So, clients have to display a certain amount of bravery in the coaching conversations. Bravery shows up as an openness and willingness to change perspective, but it does not mean a lack of fear or a feeling of comfort. Bravery is feeling uncomfortable and doing it anyway. Chapter 7 explores why bravery—by both the client and the coach—matters in a successful coaching relationship.

Chapter 8—Being Curious: Exploration

At the heart of great discovery is exploration. If we only see the same things we have seen before, think the same things we have thought before, feel the same things we have felt before, and do the same things we have done before, then we will get the results we got before. By being curious about what else is possible, we open up possibilities. One of a coach's best tools is targeted curiosity—not curiosity for the coach's sake but on behalf of the client.

Curiosity happens to be one of my strengths—sometimes to my detriment—so I hope you will see throughout this exploration a healthy curiosity about you, about coaching, and about how to find meaning.

Chapter 9—Creating Your Meaningful Life: Transformation

Once you know what you want and what is standing in your way, and once you have explored and discussed your options with your coach, found inspiration, improvised, identified your motivation, and recognized how you act in similar ways to other people and how you are different, then it is time to create your new pathway. As you do so, you transform from who you were to who you want to be.

Conclusion—Choosing Your Next Act: Intention

To finish, we will bring all the pieces together and work on setting an intention. In true project management fashion, we will set an immediate intention, a habit-forming intention, a habit-building intention, an intermediate intention, a moderate-term intention, and a long-term intention. You determine the time frames, milestones, measures of success, and inflection points (when intentions will be reviewed and adjusted). Your journey starts now!

Let's begin!

Section 1Starting with Who You Are

In This Part

Chapter 1:

Finding Meaning and Purpose:

Inspiration

Chapter 2:

In Your Own Way:

Normalization

Chapter 3:

Getting Out of Your Own Way:

Improvisation

CHAPTER 1Finding Meaning & Purpose: Inspiration

I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.

—Rosa Parks, Civil Rights Activist

The Meaning of Meaning

One of my book advisors admonished me for the way I originally wrote this first chapter. “Don't assume that we are all searching for meaning,” she said. “I and others like me already have a strong sense of meaning, purpose, and belonging. We are not all lost in the wilderness!”

There is much evidence that a sense of meaning is a precondition for a long, fulfilling, and happy life. Some of us already have a strong sense of meaning and belonging. We know that people who belong to communities, churches, spiritual groups, and other groups with shared interests and beliefs report living better and longer.1,2

So maybe you already have that deep sense of meaning. For the rest of us, it may well be an ongoing search. I know it has been for me, although every day I feel a little closer to clarifying what it is in life that gives me meaning.

How often do you check in on your sense of meaning? One way to measure it is to use an assessment such as the Meaning in Life Questionnaire (MLQ).3

Another option is to use a spectrum like this one below and see where you feel you live on that spectrum. If you have a strong sense of meaning, you may want to skip this chapter and go straight to Section 2. Have more questions than answers about meaning? This chapter is for you!

Case Study: Tegan

Tegan (she/her) is a middle manager in an information technology company about 5–8 years away from retirement. Before becoming a manager, Tegan was an individual contributor, widely regarded as the go-to person in one of the organization's primary product lines.

Tegan has been offered coaching through work. She has received multiple reassurances that this is not a reflection on her performance. The company is experimenting to see what benefits derive from offering coaching. It has been difficult to hire and retain people, and someone in HR suggested that an organization-wide coaching program could be beneficial to increase retention.

Tegan has explained that each step in her career has been the result of a manager tapping her on the shoulder and saying, “You should do this next.” Tegan's family has big dreams that one day Tegan will run a department, maybe even a company. Tegan enjoyed being the subject matter expert previously but since becoming a manager has felt rather jaded and disconnected from work and the people she works with. That feeling of lack of direction has spread into other parts of Tegan's life, so this coaching presents an opportunity to take stock and reevaluate her choices. Tegan has even been wondering if it is time to change companies.

Tegan has had one meeting with her new coach and established that the coach feels like a good fit. Tegan has been reading about people who feel engaged at work and something called job crafting, and she is curious to explore further.4

Together, Tegan and the coach come up with an overarching agenda for coaching: “finding my why/looking for inspiration.” The coach asks why that is important, and Tegan reflects for a moment and says, “Because I will give more and get more out of life if it feels meaningful, and that will make it easier to navigate tough times.”5

After a few more moments of thought, Tegan adds, “I don't want just to look for inspiration and meaning; I want to find them!”

The coach asks what successful coaching will look like. Tegan thinks for a moment and says, “I will have a plan for what is next that will create a life that feels satisfying and worthwhile. I will be motivated to get up in the morning and feel that what I do each day—or at least some part of it—is worthwhile. And instead of dreaming about retirement and looking for ways to accelerate it, I will relish the days I have left at work.”

The coach makes a note not just of what Tegan says but the energy with which Tegan expresses it (and a reminder to explore options for early retirement if the topic comes up again).

Finding Inspiration

Inspiration is a great word. We often talk about it in coaching in terms of what drives us to make a change or to keep doing what we are committed to—what gives what we do and who we are meaning.

Simon Sinek, an author and motivational speaker, says, “Very few people or companies can clearly articulate why they do what they do. By why, I mean your purpose, cause, or belief. Why does your company exist? Why do you get out of bed every morning? And why should anyone care?”6

I also like the other meaning: to draw in. We usually use it to mean drawing in a breath, but in coaching I like to think of it more broadly. It is the process of being drawn into the journey, the inquiry, the exploration, and the implementation of what is possible.

Sinek goes on to say, “People don't buy what you do; they buy why you do it. We are drawn to leaders and organizations that are good at communicating what they believe. Their ability to make us feel like we belong—to make us feel special, safe, and not alone—is part of what gives them the ability to inspire us.”7

What draws you in?

If there is one thing I have learned in my years of coaching and, before that, managing people, is that just about all of us want to believe that there is some reason to do the things we do, learn the things we learn, struggle, and stretch. We want to feel inspired to act; we want to be drawn in, not pushed, compelled, or obligated. Tegan is not alone in that.

As a manager, I found that my team accomplished more, felt better, and were more motivated when we were connected to each other and to the purpose of the project. They felt their work was valuable. They sought meaning, and meaning came through connection, purpose, and a feeling that it matters. They were drawn into a common endeavor and felt that they each had a part to play.

In coaching, clients show up at the door for many reasons, but at the heart of most of their visits is the question, “What is my point?” We can rephrase this as, “What draws me in?”

The actual questions they arrive with are varied. Their questions might be soul-searching:

Who do I want beside me in my life?

What next?

What is life balance for me?

How do I feel fulfilled?

How can I make better choices?

How do I make others listen?

What is my story?

How do I build confidence?

What is my legacy?

Am I cut out for this?

Or their questions might be practical:

Where should I work?

Should I downsize my house?

How do I get fit? Lose weight?

How do I make a new habit stick?

How do I …?

What are your biggest life questions?

What Is Meaning?

I asked my book advisors to help define meaning. And it turned out to be quite difficult to pin down. Here are some of the answers:

“Meaning is behind the things that give us purpose. And when we align to our purpose, we find motivation and satisfaction.”

—Julianne Wolfe

“[Meaning is]… a question of both gut instinct and machination. For me, ‘meaning’ is having depth and force. It need not be long-term, because this isn't a helpful measure, and life can be transient—and that's okay. I know something is ‘meaningful’ to me if it resonates and sits comfortably. It is not about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in any objective sense. I think ‘meaning’ is, therefore, on balance, a very personal thing.”

—Sarah Schütte, Solicitor-Advocate

“Meaning to me is about the purpose and your desire to achieve it. Meaning explains why you want to meet and exceed goals.”

—Diane M.

“Meaning answers the question, ‘Why am I here?’ I would add that meaning helps us to find a way to feel that there is purpose in our life, work, relationships.”

—Jana Wardian, making meaning by being Nana and researching to reduce the work of being a patient

So, What Is Meaning?

Michael Steger is one of the foremost researchers in the field of “meaning.”8

He has described meaning in life as follows:

Coherence is our understanding—what we think about who we are and what we do. It is the way that we create connections between one experience and another, between one person and another.

Purpose is why we do it, where we are going, our ultimate goal(s).

Significance is a sense that our beliefs, goals, and actions matter.9

When we understand where we are going and why, and when we are clear about what we are pursuing and feel that it is important and valuable, we have meaning. We are inspired!

Why Does Having a Sense of Meaning Matter?

There are probably many people in the world, often people with reasonable resources, who cannot identify what gives them meaning. They do the things they do because those things are the next steps on a path defined by someone else; they bend to the opinions of others; and they barely pause to reflect on what matters to them. And there are people with few resources who have a great sense of meaning. Then there are those of us who are lucky enough to have both resources and a sense of meaning. Which do you want to be?

When we have a sense of meaning, the next steps seem inevitable. Despite fears, we are drawn forward. Despite setbacks, we keep going. With a sense of meaning, we tend to become more hopeful, more adaptable, more curious, and braver. We can go beyond the boundaries of what we previously thought we were capable of.

There are many descriptors for meaning: our North Star, our guiding light. Whatever you name it, the concept is the same: It is the reference point we always come back to. Regardless of how far we wander, the fundamental meaning of our life brings us back on track. Unless we don't have a sense of meaning.

What then? Does life end? Not always, but it can become a bit of a drag. We can feel as though we are wandering aimlessly, not really knowing how or what to choose. Or maybe we accept someone else's idea of what is meaningful. We may seek short-term thrills to up the excitement. In the end, however, without our own sense of a North Star, most of us feel pointless, unfulfilled, and empty.

Meaning Is Personal and Not Always Constant

Over time, our sense of meaning may change and evolve. Some things that drove me as a child no longer provide motivation. I would do my homework so I could go out and ride my bike. Now I do my homework so that I can connect more people to their purpose. I can draw more people into their lives. Other childhood drives, such as learning and applying new things, still provide the same sense of forward motion and satisfaction.

I am not talking about a biological imperative here—to reproduce, to survive. I am talking about a sense of something that we can focus on, feel, and return to. It is understanding what makes it worth being here, feeling that being here is contributing something, and that what we are contributing matters. It is the sense that we matter and what we choose to do matters too. Maybe it is even the sense of “If I don't do it, who will?”

Meaning is personal and cannot be imposed by someone else. However much a parent or teacher may want us to want to be a brain surgeon, they cannot make it so, regardless of how much they may try. And they cannot make us passionate about the idea.

Indeed, many of the people I coach are working to identify the gap between who they are, who they want to be, and who others want them to be. All too often they have felt pressured to follow a path laid out by someone else. They come to coaching looking for ways to identify and be driven by their own personal sense of meaning.

Some clients are seeking a complete sense of meaning.

Others know what makes sense to them but question whether it is significant enough. Or they are driven to go after something but cannot explain why. Or they do things that seem to give value to others but cannot see what the end goal is.

When they have all three components of meaning (coherence + purpose + significance), they know who to be, what to do, and where to go next, even if it is difficult.

What makes sense to you?

What Are Some Ways to Find My Meaning?

Discovering your own sense of meaning generally requires reflecting on a lot of questions. We will use some of them in this book, and maybe along the way you will have some aha moments, some insights—or maybe you will decide you want a coach! If you need help discovering your life purpose, don't worry. While some of us already have a strong sense of meaning, most of us struggle to put a finger on what it is that matters most to us.

When I changed my career a few years ago, I found more meaning. Rather than deciding what gives me meaning and going after it, I ran away from a role that was taking away all sense of meaning. Initially, I had found meaning in being a project manager, as project managers are part of the reason that projects come to fruition, and that felt meaningful. But we don't always get to work on the life-changing projects. Many are mundane. They may be important to someone, but they may not have broad importance.

Project managers contribute in many ways, but in my last project as a program manager, I discovered my passion: people. It was not clear to me at first. I just observed the times when my energy was high—and when it was not—and I noticed a correlation between people and energy. Anytime I interacted with others, listening closely, asking questions, or challenging assumptions, and saw what seemed to be a lightbulb moment, a smile in the darkness, a “Wow, I would never have thought of that,” an understanding, an insight, or just a sense of relief, my energy lifted.

It surprised me because I am innately an introvert. It surprised me because I did not feel I had any special skill in “people.” But others disagreed, and I already knew that people fascinate me. Why on earth do we do what we do? Why do we choose what we choose, even when we don't think it is the choice we want? And interacting with others in ways that causes shift, change, or a reconsideration is, quite frankly, thrilling.

I became my own experiment.

Now it is time for you to experiment. How do we start to coach for meaning? What might that mean in a coaching session?

Here are some questions I might ask in a coaching session where the client says they want to discover their meaning:

What does

meaning

mean to you?

When do you have the greatest sense of meaning?

How will life be different if you have a greater sense of meaning?

On a scale of 1–10, how much sense does your life make to you?

What would it take for that score to be one point higher?

What does it mean to you for life to “make sense”?

In what ways does your life make sense to you?

On a scale of 1–10, how motivated are you to get into your day?

What would it take for that score to be one point higher?

What makes you get up in the morning?

What is there in your life that feels like you are making a valuable contribution?

On a scale of 1–10, how strongly do you feel that you have a life worth living?

What would it take to make that score one point higher?

Consider the following exercise. Take a piece of paper and write for 5–10 minutes without worrying about spelling, punctuation, or language. Just write. You are not going to share this with anyone. It is more effective if you write by hand, but if that is not comfortable, you can use a computer. But write!

I feel the greatest sense of understanding, purpose, and significance when I

Put the writing away for a couple of days and then reread what you wrote.

What did you discover that you did not already know?

Who Are You in This Life?

What energizes you?

Are you mindful about who you are each day?

Do you make mindful choices or just go through the motions on autopilot?

How do you take stock of who you are versus who you want or expect to be? How do you measure your progress? What is your current goal?

I am not talking about comparing yourself to others—the conversations we have with ourselves about what old friends or enemies are doing now, how “successful” they have been compared to us, and whether we seem to be on track with our onetime peers. I am talking about knowing what you mean to be.

A few years ago, one of the people I am privileged to call part of my audience messaged me and asked, “How do I become like you?”