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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
'OMG! This book is SO me! The tips and stories shared by Ed, Mark and Nicky will help you live a life filled with more fun, joy and enthusiasm!' ALISON HAMMOND, TV Presenter 'Kids are so authentic and there's no reason for us to lose that when we're older. Kids see the wonder and awe in the smallest things every day. Be More Kid reminds us how important it is to bring out the best in ourselves and how we can do that in way that also brings out the best in others.' BEN SHEPHARD, TV Presenter 'This book gives you the tools to bring the belief, energy and passion you had as a child into your current life with transformational results.' SARAH STIRK, TV Presenter, Sky Sports & Entrepreneur THIS ISN'T JUST ANOTHER SELF IMPROVEMENT BOOK. Have you ever felt there must be more to life? Do you feel unfulfilled? Have you felt stuck, not knowing how to move forward and found yourself settling for less than you deserve? AND IT ISN'T ABOUT HAVING TO CREATE A NEW YOU. Since childhood you've had all of the resources that you need to create the life that you want, and over time you've simply lost touch with them. Now is the time to find them again. With expert guidance from broadcaster and entrepreneur, Ed James and behaviour and relationship experts, Mark & Nicky Taylor, you'll rediscover your sense of purpose, reconnect with what is important to you and find out how to unlearn unhelpful habits and behaviours. Employing simple tools and techniques you can use each day, Be More Kid shows you how to: * Enjoy a meaningful and fulfilling life * Stop overthinking and build resilience in a challenging world * End the conflict of putting everyone else before your own needs * Rediscover the contentment, enthusiasm and zest for life you had as a child If you are ready for a new approach to your happiness, relationships and your future, Be More Kid will guide you through the journey, one step at a time.
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Seitenzahl: 339
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020
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Table of Contents
COVER
TITLEPAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
INTRODUCTION
Part I: STUCK AND SETTLING FOR
CHAPTER 1: WHY ARE YOU CHOOSING TO BE UNHAPPY?
BE MORE KID
NOTE
CHAPTER 2: OVERTHINKING
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF OVERTHINKING
IT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN
LETTING YOUR PAST RULE YOUR FUTURE
ESCAPISM VS. REPROGRAMMING
FEELINGS OF DIS-EASE
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 3: PROCRASTINATING
WHY DO PEOPLE PROCRASTINATE?
THE BUSYNESS TRAP
SEEING THE BIG PICTURE
MOTIVATION: THE FLIP SIDE TO PROCRASTINATION
LIFE IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION
EXCUSES FOR PROCRASTINATION
THERE IS NO MAGIC WAND
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 4: PASSENGER OR DRIVER?
LIVING IN THE GREY ZONE
WHY WE STAY TRAPPED IN THE GREY ZONE
WHY DO WE BECOME A PASSENGER?
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A PASSENGER IN YOUR LIFE
HOW TO BECOME A DRIVER
DON'T LET YOUR LIFE BE DEFINED
ESCAPING THE GREY ZONE IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
BE MORE KID
Part II: REDISCOVERING YOU
CHAPTER 5: IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T DO IT
THE POWER OF SAYING NO
BEING AUTHENTIC
RETAINING YOUR STRUCTURE
ESCAPING THE TRAP OF UNFULFILLMENT
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 6: YOU THINK TOO MUCH
YOUR MODEL OF THE WORLD
HOW YOUR MODEL OF THE WORLD INFLUENCES SELF-TALK
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 7: BEING REAL
WHAT DOES BEING REAL LOOK LIKE?
PLAYING A PART
THINGS WILL CHANGE
HOW TO RECONNECT WITH YOURSELF
NO FAILURES, ONLY FEEDBACK
BE MORE KID
NOTE
CHAPTER 8: OKAY WITH NOT BEING OKAY
WHEN DOES IT BECOME A WAY OF LIFE?
WHY ARE PEOPLE NOT OKAY?
ACKNOWLEDGE HOW YOU'RE FEELING
NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AREN'T BAD
BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE
FINDING THE RIGHT MINDSET
BE MORE KID
Part III: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
CHAPTER 9: CONTENTMENT VS. HAPPINESS
ARE YOU A HAPPINESS JUNKIE?
HOW TO BREAK YOUR HAPPINESS ADDICTION
DEVELOPING RESILIENCE
THERE IS NO ‘HAPPY EVER AFTER’
THE HAPPINESS TRAP
FINDING THE RIGHT PRIORITIES
HOW TO BREAK FREE FROM THE HAPPINESS TRAP
HOW TO START THE CONVERSATION WITH YOURSELF
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 10: BEYOND POSITIVE THINKING
OPTIMIST OR PESSIMIST?
THE TROUBLE WITH POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
CHALLENGING YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS
IMAGINARY CHAINS IN AN INVISIBLE PRISON
EVOLVE YOUR THINKING
HOW TO GO BEYOND POSITIVE THINKING
BE MORE KID
NOTE
CHAPTER 11: THE POWER OF IMAGINATION
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS REALITY?
TRAINING YOUR MIND
YOU HAVE A CHOICE
SEE IT THE WAY THAT YOU WANT IT
COPING WITH A FEAR OF THE FUTURE
BE MORE KID
Part IV: PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST
CHAPTER 12: HOW TO ADAPT TO ANY SITUATION
WHAT TRAITS DO YOU NEED TO BE ADAPTABLE?
WHY DOES IT CHANGE?
FLEXIBILITY LEADS TO OPPORTUNITIES
WHAT STOPS PEOPLE BEING ADAPTABLE?
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 13: THE ART OF MANIPULATION
DEFINING MANIPULATION
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY YES?
HOW TO TELL IF YOU SAY YES TOO MUCH
SAY YES FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
LOOK FOR THE WIN–WIN WAY
HOW NOT TO WIN
WIN–WIN REQUIRES ADAPTABILITY
HOW TO SAY NO MORE OFTEN
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 14: LOST DREAMS
A WORLD OF POSSIBILITIES
WHAT STOPS US FROM FOLLOWING OUR DREAMS?
THE GRAVEYARD OF UNFULFILLED DREAMS AND INTENTIONS
POSSIBILITY VS. NECESSITY
IN PURSUIT OF CERTAINTY
HOW TO CONNECT WITH YOUR INNER KID
BE MORE KID
Part V: LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL (AND IT'S NOT ANOTHER TRAIN)
CHAPTER 15: MUM KNOWS BEST
‘NO SUCH WORD AS CAN'T’
‘YOUR SCHOOL DAYS ARE THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE’
‘IF IFS AND ANDS WERE POTS AND PANS, WE'D BE WASHING UP FOREVER’
‘DON'T WISH YOUR LIFE AWAY’
‘IT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED, BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT THAT MATTERS’
‘IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL’
‘WE'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT’
‘WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY’
‘THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON YOU CAN TRUST IN THIS LIFE AND THAT'S YOURSELF’
‘YOU CAN'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER’
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 16: JUST FOR FUN
ATTITUDE AND RESILIENCE
HOW TO DEVELOP RESILIENCE
THE IMPORTANCE OF PLAY
SPONTANEITY IS KEY
FUN VS. ENJOYMENT
HOW TO FIND YOUR FUN
WHAT'S STOPPING YOU FROM HAVING FUN?
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 17: IT'S RIGHT FOR RIGHT NOW
WAITING FOR INSPIRATION
THERE IS NO ‘WRONG’ PATH
MAKE SURE YOU'RE MOVING FORWARD
YOU ONLY FAIL IF YOU GIVE UP
DON'T BOX YOURSELF IN
HOW TO MAKE CHANGES
YOU ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO DO
RIGHT FOR RIGHT NOW
BE YOU
BE MORE KID
Part VI: THE ART & SCIENCE OF UNDERTHINKING
CHAPTER 18: KEEPING IT SIMPLE
WHY DO YOU ENJOY BEING ON HOLIDAY?
WHY DO PEOPLE LONG TO ESCAPE?
HOW DO YOU START TO RECTIFY THIS AND REDRESS THE BALANCE?
AUDIT YOUR LIFE
ASK HOW YOU CAN USE TIME MORE EFFECTIVELY
HOW TO ASSESS YOUR LIFE
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 19: IT'S NOT PERSONAL
WHAT WOULD A KID DO?
HOW DO YOU ADOPT THE MINDSET OF IT NOT BEING PERSONAL?
RESPOND, DON'T REACT
THE WORLD IS A MIRROR
WHAT COULD YOU LEARN?
REVERTING TO DEFAULT PROGRAMMING
ACCEPT WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 20: BE EXCITED
EXCITEMENT COMES FROM MEANING
WHY DO WE LOSE OUR EXCITEMENT FOR LIFE?
WHY SHOULD YOU BE EXCITED?
CONTROLLED EXCITEMENT
HOW DO YOU BEGIN FEELING EXCITED AGAIN?
BE MORE KID
CHAPTER 21: PLAY MORE
WHY IS PLAY IMPORTANT?
LIVING IN THE MOMENT
BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS
WHAT IS PLAY?
TIPS TO FIT MORE PLAY INTO YOUR LIFE
BE MORE KID
CONCLUSION
PART I-STUCK AND SETTLING FOR
PART II-REDISCOVERING YOU
PART III-UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
PART IV-PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST
PART V-THERE'S LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL (AND IT'S NOT ANOTHER TRAIN)
PART VI-THE ART & SCIENCE OF UNDERTHINKING
BE MORE KID: HOW TO ESCAPE THE GROWN UP TRAP AND LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL
WHERE TO GO NEXT
EXERCISE GLOSSARY
NLP GLOSSARY
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
INDEX
END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
Guide
Cover
Titlepage
Copyright
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
INTRODUCTION
Table of Contents
Begin Reading
CONCLUSION
EXERCISE GLOSSARY
NLP GLOSSARY
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
INDEX
WILEY END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
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OMG this book is so me! I always say a day is wasted without laughter. The tips and stories shared by Ed, Mark & Nicky in this book will help you to live a life filled with more fun, joy and enthusiasm… who doesn't want more of that!!?
Alison Hammond, TV Presenter
Kids are so authentic and there's no reason for us to lose that when we're older. Kids see the wonder and awe in the smallest things every day. The concept and practical suggestions in Be More Kid remind us how important it is to bring out the best in ourselves and how we can do that in way that also brings out the best in others.
Ben Shephard, TV Presenter
This book gives you the tools to bring the belief, energy and passion you had as a child into your current life with transformational results.
Sarah Stirk, TV Presenter, Sky Sports & Entrepreneur
As a kid growing up in Birmingham, all I wanted to do was become a chef and have the most successful restaurant in Birmingham. This book reminds us of the important things that make us happy, and it gives down to earth, practical advice to make sure we are being true to who we really are and living our own dreams.
Glynn Purnell, (the Yummy Brummie) Michelin-starred chef
This concept really works well both personally and in business. It's what we've built the HDY Culture on and is the glue that binds us together.
Geoff Percy, Non-Exec Chair of HDY Agency, SLG and H Bronnley.co.uk
Be More Kid is a completely fresh approach to personal development that aligns with my passion for health and fitness. Never underestimate the positive effect that playing and having fun can add to both life and business. I still play with toys everyday - they've just got bigger!
Alan Barratt, CEO Grenade
ED JAMES
MARK TAYLOR
NICKY TAYLOR
BE MORE KID
HOW TO ESCAPE THE GROWN UP TRAP AND LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL!
This edition first published 2021
© 2021 Mark Taylor, Nicky Taylor & Ed James
This work was produced in collaboration with Write Business Results Limited. For more information on Write Business Results' business book, blog, and podcast services, please visit their website: www.writebusinessresults.com, email us on info @writebusinessresults.com or call us on 020 3752 7057.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is Available:
ISBN 9780857088833 (paperback)
ISBN 9780857088987 (epdf)
ISBN 9780857088994 (epub)
Cover Design: Wiley
May this book speak to the child within us all and set them free …
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Without Jaime's fall (whilst unpleasant at the time), the idea for this book would never have been born, so Jaime we thank you, as your ‘just get on with it’ attitude has given us the vehicle to bring inspiration to so many, across the world. We also say thank you to Jack, Jacob, Andrew, Richard, Hannah and Alex for your patience whilst we learned to be parents; we know we haven't always got it right, yet our intentions have always been good.
We are grateful for the fun, curiosity and sheer enjoyment of life experienced by our grandchildren – Eithan, Jessica, Maddie, Thea, Evie and Freya – constant reminders that we all need to be more kid!
To our families, Mum, Dad, Sarah and Megan for their love, support and belief.
We express our heartfelt appreciation to all of the children who took part in our research for the book, you provided us with endless joy, listening to your views on the world; thank you also to their parents for playing your part in our research and to everyone who has openly shared with us their problems, confidences and optimism for life, we listened and we sincerely hope this book will be of benefit to you.
Thanks to everyone who has ever listened, called, texted or got in touch with Ed's radio show on Heart, your stories of playfulness, getting the most out of life and finding the fun have been a constant source of inspiration. We include a special thank you to the team at Heart/Global for their support over the years, and putting up with Ed whilst he was working on the book!
To friends, colleagues and clients at HDY Agency, especially Angel, Geoff and John; mentors Tad and Adriana James; and the thousands of people across the world who we have helped and coached through the Taylored Life Company, we thank you for the positive impact that you have had on our lives.
Immense gratitude to Georgia Kirke for her passion, humour and guidance and for keeping us on track every single week for 6 months (no mean feat!) and helping us to turn an idea that Ed had for 10 years into this book we now call Be More Kid!
Many thanks also to Wiley for believing in us, right from the beginning we have loved that you share our excitement and enthusiasm for Be More Kid! We are grateful for the ideas that you bring, your endless support and for giving us the opportunity to share this book with so many people.
Last but not least, we are thankful for the journey that each of us has travelled, the lessons that life has taught us, the expertise that we have gained along the way and the privilege that we now have to be able to share this with others. If we are able to Make THE Difference to just one person, then we have achieved our purpose.
INTRODUCTION
As Rachael sat in the chair, she seemed to diminish in size. It was as though she had left the façade, the one she showed to the rest of the world, at the door. This was the real Rachael, the person with fears and doubts, unsure of herself and exhausted from pretending.
To her family and colleagues she appeared confident and self-assured, knowing exactly what she wanted from life and doing what was needed to make it happen. On the inside she felt far from confident, she felt as though she was never enough and she had lost her way.
She no longer knew what she wanted.
What she did know was that she was tired. She knew that to everyone else her life looked idyllic and she knew she should be grateful for what she had, but there was something missing.
What was worse was that Rachael believed that she was the only person who felt this way. Yet the previous week it had been Jo sitting there saying virtually the same thing. A couple of days before that it was Tom.
Tom had shared something he felt deeply ashamed of, something he didn't feel he could tell anyone. It was a huge weight on his shoulders. He felt as though he had suddenly woken up one day and found himself with a wife, a large mortgage, three children and an expensive car. He hated his job but he was stuck with it – he desperately needed the money – so he went to work day after day; he was bored and he felt like running away, trapped in a life he didn't enjoy.
For Jo, everything irritated her. She found herself shouting at the kids and her husband for small things that she knew weren't even important, but she couldn't seem to stop herself. She was overeating, drinking more than she knew was good for her and avoiding exercise, even though she knew she would feel better for it if she made the effort. She had started making silly mistakes at work, and she wanted to get her life back on track before it became worse than it already was.
Rachael, Tom, Jo … and all of the others before them and who will probably follow them, their lives weren't how they wanted them to be.
As kids we have big dreams, anything and everything seems possible, and we believe that there is so much time ahead of us to achieve those dreams. Then over time we stop thinking about those dreams and ambitions, we lose the motivation and determination that we once had … and we don't even notice it.
The great thing is that the resources we had when we were kids are still there; we've just forgotten how to use them.
In 2011, Bronnie Ware – an Australian nurse – wrote a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Bronnie Ware cared for people in the last 12 weeks of their life and recorded the common themes that patients had regarding regrets and what, on reflection, they would have done differently in their life. These are the five regrets that were mentioned most frequently:
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I'd stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish I had let myself be happier.
We have written this book, Be More Kid: How to Escape the Grown Up Trap and Live Life to the Full, for everyone who wants to get the very best from their life, so that no-one need have these same regrets. It's not a self-improvement book about giving up chocolate or alcohol, which you may be relieved to hear, but rather a book about changing your deeper mindset to understand what really matters to you, and being happy.
We have included practical exercises for you throughout the book. To get the most out of it, these exercises should be completed as you read through each chapter, and it's our intention that you read the book in chapter order, as each chapter builds on the previous one. There are also additional resources available on the website at www.be-more-kid.co.uk, which gives you the opportunity to download electronic copies of the full version of the exercises. You will also find additional exercises, as well as videos and access to podcasts, that focus on some of the topics discussed in the book.
Parts of the book may make you feel uncomfortable, parts may challenge your thinking – that's ok. Change means going outside of your comfort zone, and there are no wrong feelings or responses or answers. All we ask is that you have an open mind and give it a go.
Have you ever noticed how differently children react to things that might incapacitate an adult?
Ed's story
When my little girl was six, she broke her arm. She was playing with her brothers on the top bunk and fell off, landing badly on her arm. I still remember hearing the thud from downstairs when she landed. The reason I'm telling you this is because this is the moment that made me look at her, and in fact all kids, in a totally different light.
Back to my daughter and the starting point to this ‘philosophy’. She coped incredibly. The only time she cried was when she first fell. She then handled every little thing that was thrown at her. The operation was stress-free, she enjoyed choosing a sling and cast because she was able to have her favourite colour – pink! She proudly told everyone at school what had happened and how long she'd be without the use of her arm for. In short, she not only accepted it, but totally embraced it. She opened drawers with her good arm and closed them with her head. I still have a picture of her at Disney on Ice smiling and proudly showing her pink sling off!
This story shows that it's not what happens to you, but how you react to things that determine happiness and success.
Comparing a child's typical response to how an adult would react in a similar situation, and contemplating other comparisons between kids and adults, we realised how many amazing resources we have as a kid that we lose touch with as we grow into adults, and how much we would all positively benefit from being able to reconnect with these resources again, combining them with the knowledge and experience that we now have as adults.
Research we've carried out over the last three years, in preparation for writing this book, has shown us that there are far too many people who are not happy; and there are a number of common reasons that they give for this.
They are not happy because they are not doing the things that are important to them, and feel guilty for wanting to. They don't have the relationships that they crave. They are yearning to be accepted for who they are, rather than feeling the need to fulfil other people's expectations. Feeling full of doubt and having self-limiting beliefs around confidence and trust, trapped by finances, in jobs and relationships that are not working for them. People feel stuck and they don't know how to free themselves.
Surely there must be more to life … ?
When there are so many people who are so desperately unhappy, often leading them to anxiety and depression, you might question what prevents them from changing their lives?
The problem is that we are not taught how to control our emotions; we are not taught that we can actually change our thinking if it doesn't get us the outcomes we want, and we're not given the tools that we need to do that. There is a common mentality that we are not in control of our own thinking, not in control of our own lives – that things just happen to us. An attitude of blame is prevalent. The problem is that whilst we continue to absolve ourselves from responsibility and avoid being accountable as individuals, we are not the driver in our own lives, we are merely passengers, and therefore completely disempowered.
Our desired outcome for writing this book is to help you become the driver in your life, to assist you in recognising and reconnecting with some of the resources that you once had as a kid, and help you use those resources together with the knowledge and experience that you now have as an adult, to live a life that is more fulfilled and content.
Will challenges still present themselves? Yes of course! Life will still happen; yet you will be more resilient to those challenges when they do arise. And remember: if you keep doing things the same way, nothing is going to change.
We are sharing our years of expertise in human behaviour, as well as our own experiences of how we have risen to life's challenges, so that you can improve your life for the better, and to show you how you can have fun while doing it. This book is all about how to live a better life and ‘Be More Kid!’
Part ISTUCK AND SETTLING FOR
In January 2018 we sent out a survey to a group of adults asking them lots of different questions about their lives. The results that came back were pretty conclusive. Most people felt that they are ‘stuck’.
Things weren't terrible, but there was this nagging sense that there must be something better, that they should be doing something more. Everything had become predictable, every year was the same, and people felt like they couldn't make a change. Their only solution was to numb themselves with food or alcohol, or escape with a two-week holiday once a year.
We call this the ‘Grey Zone’.
The Grey Zone is the place where many of us ultimately end up because we settle for less than we know we can have. Because it's easy and comfortable. Because it's the thing that everyone does. Go to school, maybe go to university, get a job, find a partner, get married, have kids, get a dog, and play out the same years on repeat until you retire, then die. And that's your life.
Just ‘good enough’. Isn't that a terrifying thought? What happened to the dreams you had when you were a kid? What about all the big things you wanted to achieve – or even the little things, like playing an instrument or learning to speak Spanish?
The real problem with the Grey Zone is that we don't feel in control. There are so many external pressures trying to keep us stuck. Advertising everywhere says we won't be complete without some new material possession or package holiday that we can't afford, so we buy it. It makes us feel good for a couple of days, and then it's straight back to the Grey Zone. It's a trap that so many of us fall into: we get promoted into the well-paid job, move into a nice house with a mortgage, buy a car on finance, live a life we can't afford … and then there's no way out.
If you begin to hate the job, well, too bad. Now you need the money to pay off the debt. To quote Fight Club: ‘We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.’ Sound familiar?
The end result is that we feel like passengers in our own lives, not in control, seeing ourselves running on a treadmill without knowing how to get off. The truth is that we do have control. It is totally possible to get off. In this first part we'll be bringing your attention to some of the common Grey Zone feelings, and why things are the way they are. It's important to really understand what's going on and where you're at before trying to make changes, so let's dive in.
CHAPTER 1WHY ARE YOU CHOOSING TO BE UNHAPPY?
Something we have found that many people have in common in the Grey Zone is that they wish their lives were better, and they spend time thinking and daydreaming about how things could be different. While having dreams for the future is great, Grey Zone daydreaming is different.
It's not being excited for something you're working towards, but rather wishing for an escape from where you're at without actually doing anything about it. Or knowing that you're capable of doing something amazing, and fantasising about doing it, but then making excuses and rationalisations for why you're not trying it out – as one of our survey respondents said, ‘Life's getting in the way’. Empty wishing without any real motivation or intention to take action is not getting you anywhere.
Grey Zone inhabitants don't take any action because they don't really believe that what they dream about could come true, or are terrified of failing. And many people become bitter that they don't have what they want already. They stop truly dreaming about what they could achieve, and start wishing they had already achieved it. It's a kind of giving up; resigning themselves to the comfortable grey life, while simultaneously wanting to escape.
Kids aren't like this.
Kids dream about being an astronaut, or a ballerina, or a pilot, and they really think that's what they'll be one day. There are no limitations on what's possible. They don't worry about whether they'll succeed or fail. When they play-pretend that they're an astronaut on a spaceship going to the moon, they know that it's play, but the enjoyment they get from it is as if it's real. They're not annoyed that they aren't an actual astronaut yet! Quite the opposite: for them, imagining what it would be like is motivating, it encourages them to read books on space and look through their telescope, and they feel fulfilled.
Then gradually school teaches them that trying and failing is bad – that there are wrong answers, and that it's embarrassing. Adults may well tell them that their dreams are unlikely to happen, and as they grow up they start to believe it too. We are programmed as we grow up to be filled with doubt and negativity, so that doing what we actually want and making changes to get there seems incredibly difficult. Impossible even.
Part of the work we do as coaches is to get rid of all this negative programming so that people can start to dream like they did as a child, and to start making decisions that are actually right for them so they can experience the outcomes they want.
The art of play is something that kids naturally understand, and adults often don't. It's enjoying being in the moment, and the process of getting to where you want to be, every bit as much as enjoying the end destination. It's about having fun right here, right now, as part of the journey to what you want long-term. Compare that to how most of us think: wishing that we were somewhere else, someone else, doing something else, but never believing that it's possible, whilst at the same time feeling life is unfair that you don't have it, what a paradox!. In this case, kids’ thinking makes more sense. When was the last time you just let go and played like a kid?
The bottom line – the reason behind all this daydreaming – is that people want to be happy. And it's a good aspiration. There've been lots of surveys and studies about happiness over the years, and patterns are starting to emerge on what it takes. One group of researchers from Harvard1, after looking at a lot of data over a long period of time, suggested that the secret is choosing to be happy with whatever you do, strengthening your closest relationships, steering the direction in which you want to contribute, doing more of what you're good at and taking care of yourself physically, financially and emotionally. We'll be looking at a lot of these ideas throughout the rest of the book.
The problem today is that people confuse happiness with short-term pleasure. Many of us chase hits of feel-good brain chemicals, such as dopamine, that rapidly fade away rather than building a life of deeper contentment. We're happiness machines bouncing from one external thing to another – the new car, the new partner, the new shoes; even the one-day self-development motivational event that gets you fired up but doesn't get you to actually change – never looking inward to make things better.
This is partly because we don't always know what is good for us, but also because short-term dopamine hits don't require effort. You can always stop off for a burger and fries at the drive-thru on the way home from a job where you're bored out of your mind. But long-term contentment does take work.
Exploring your decisions is a good place to start. Before making a decision, ask yourself whether it's going to only give you short-term pleasure, or contribute to your long-term happiness. Quite often you'll find that it's either one or the other. Eating a bag of doughnuts will give you a hit of dopamine, but if it makes you fat, will it contribute to your long-term happiness? Probably not.
To avoid confusion throughout the book, rather than using the word ‘happiness’ we'll now call the goal ‘contentment’, or ‘peace of mind’. Because even in the best life, sometimes things suck. Terrible things outside of your control can happen. You can't be happy all day every day. But you can have a deeper sense of contentment, even on a bad day. You can get rid of the nagging voice that's there every morning telling you that something's not right. And you can be more happy, more of the time.
Another big factor in the age of social media is that we're constantly comparing ourselves and our levels of happiness with those of other people. We look at people's lives on Facebook and Instagram and everything seems so perfect. Perfect house, perfect dog, perfect holiday in the Bahamas.
But we're comparing our reality with their shop window. All you see is the bits they want you to see (and they may well have spent an hour just getting the photo right). You don't see all the bad parts, because of course they don't post that online. It's impossible to compare your happiness to theirs, because you have no idea how happy they are.
But even outside of social media we're plagued with the idea of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’; that whatever we have is only worth something in comparison to what other people have. It's the very definition of giving control away: we can't be content if the neighbour's TV is bigger than ours. Well they can always buy a bigger TV, so I guess we'll never be content. Not a good plan!
We know of so many people who daydream about winning the lottery, reading up on lottery winners and feeling envious. But the truth is you don't need millions of pounds. In fact, having lots of money can bring new issues you never imagined. You need to actually understand what drives you, what you want to do, and what makes you fulfilled, and then what other people have in comparison makes no difference. It's an internal thing.
Look at young kids – before the age of seven or so. They'll be happy playing with a new toy, no matter what other kids have. They'll be happy playing even without any toys, just using their imagination. As a society we could definitely spend more time enjoying what we do have than wishing for what other people have.
What's the alternative to living in the Grey Zone and empty wishing? Plan your life rather than aimlessly following the expected path. Take control. Don't end up in the trap by accident, where you feel like you can't escape the life you're in and aren't sure how you even got there. And if you're in the trap already, realise that something has to change to get out of it, and the only person who can make that change is you.
The rest of this book will help you with this. We first just want to bring your attention to what is happening in so many adults’ lives. Too many of us think of life as a struggle towards an eventual utopia – hoping that ‘one day’ things will be great. In Victorian times this was called the ‘jam tomorrow’ promise, where kids were told they'd be happy in heaven, but for right now they had to climb up a chimney and clean it.
In today's society, retirement is the time when people hope to be happy. And while many of us might be happier when we're finished with work, wouldn't it be better to also enjoy life for the 50 years or so of adulthood before then, while we're still fit and young?
BE MORE KID
If you want something, work towards getting it. Take responsibility for your decisions, your actions, and your peace of mind. Start today. Don't worry about failure – remember, kids don't. And this book is all about being more kid.
The following chapter will unpack ‘overthinking’ and why it's not good for us, as well as providing practical tips on how you can focus your thinking in a productive way instead.
NOTE
1
IPSOS Global Trends Survey: Fragmentation, Cohesion & Uncertainty – this 2017 survey was conducted with 18,180 adults aged 16–64 (USA and Canada), between 12 September and 11 October 2016. The survey looked ahead to the following 12 months, at areas of life that the adults were optimistic or pessimistic about. We also utilised our own adult surveys carried out between January and October 2018.
CHAPTER 2OVERTHINKING
Many people have a tendency to overthink. Your brain races away and whatever perceived problem you have, you make it 100 times worse. You start thinking, ‘What does that mean?’ And you fall into the trap of thinking, ‘If that happens, then this will happen, and then this could happen’. Before you know it, you've created a scenario in your mind that ends in a horrendous way. You get more anxious about it, become more stressed and then everything seems more bleak and hopeless.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Overthinking isn't reacting to an event, it's reacting to an interpretation of an event and all the other events that follow.
Think about how differently you dealt with events when you were a child. Things happen when you're young and you react to them, but you react in the moment and take them at face value. You don't know if it's good or bad, you just know that it's happened and you go with it. You accept it. In fact, it's what we call underthinking.
