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- Herausgeber: tredition
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Sprache: Englisch
This is the fifth part of my ever-growing diary and I strongly recommend reading the earlier parts first. I had ended my third book stating that I wouldn't publish any further parts, unless there'd be major progress to report. At the time I didn't expect that to happen, but it did! That's why I'm now publishing three new installments of my diary since then in a short time frame. I am in transition for a year now and of course I've kept on writing my diary and I've reached a point where publishing makes sense again. The speed of my progression has increased and my social transition may well be half way through. This part covers the time frame between January and April 2022.
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Seitenzahl: 175
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025
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Inhaltsverzeichnis
Dedication
Prologue
Disclaimer/ Privacy protection
22/01/01: Sabrina’s new profile picture
22/01/02 to 22/01/08: A second week in Cologne
22/01/02: Travel
22/01/03: Outing to Johannes
22/01/04: A quiet day
22/01/05: Another rather quiet day
22/01/06: Meeting Suzy and a catastrophe…
22/01/07: The night out
22/01/08: The week has flown by
Quintessence of the week
22/01/13: Therapy appointment
22/01/21: Hibernating
22/01/26: Planning done
22/01/29: "Rehearsal" for Amrum
22/02/16: Reemerging
22/02/17: Relaxing
22/02/03: Tessa and the TERFs
22/02/17: Tessa and the nazi-slut, outing to Kenshin
22/02/21: A digital vaccination certificate
22/02/20: Wiebke at home
22/02/22: Outing continued…
22/02/25 to 22/02/27: A Hamburg weekend
22/02/25: Travel day
22/02/26: Restaurant Falkenstein
22/02/27: Going home
22/03/06: Ben comes to visit
22/03/10 to 22/03/12: Health issues, a dead phone and pointless discussions
22/03/13: Wiebke spends the day, mucho communication
22/03/18: Zoom Meeting with Martin
22/03/19 & 22/03/20: Long discussion with Hedda
22/03/21: Plans with Sabrina
22/03/22: Out with Sabrina
22/03/24: Meeting Vincenzo in Dortmund
22/03/26: A daycation in Timmendorfer Strand
22/03/28: The biopsy result
22/03/29: Therapy session
22/03/30: Planning another holiday
22/03/31: Outing to Mark on TDoV
22/04/01: What happened after the outing…
22/04/02 & 22/04/03: Clarification with Hedda, party preparation
22/04/04: Hedda is really quick! Another two outings
22/04/05: An outing cut short and an unexpected twist to my Amrum vacation
22/04/07 to 22/04/14: Party in Wahlstedt & vacation on Amrum
22/04/07: The packing conundrum
22/04/08: Travel and dinner
22/04/09: A visit to the cosmetician, the party!
22/04/10: An unexpectedly long journey
22/04/11: A day with Sigrid & Maddie/ exploring the island by bus
22/04/12: Exploring the island by bike
22/04/13: Exploring the island on foot
22/04/14: Going home
Quintessence of the vacation
22/04/17: Easter with a difference
22/04/29 to 22/05/01: Outings at BSW
Alphabetical list of characters
About the author
Imprint
Becoming Wiebke V
Part V of a diary written by someone who was born genetically male but considers herself transgender (January to April 2022)
Dedication
As always a special thank you goes to Rhonda Scharf for proofreading this book and helping me with phrasing!
Prologue
This is the fifth part of my ever-growing diary and I strongly recommend reading the earlier parts first.
I had ended my third book stating that I wouldn't publish any further parts, unless there'd be major progress to report. At the time I didn't expect that to happen, but it did! That's why I'm now publishing three new installments of my diary since then in a short time frame. I am in transition for a year now and of course I've kept on writing my diary and I've reached a point where publishing makes sense again. The speed of my progression has increased and my social transition may well be half way through. This part covers the time frame between January and April 2022.
Disclaimer/ Privacy protection
You are not reading a fictional story, all of this has happened and unrolls further as you read. Faces of people other than me are distorted for their protection. For the same reason, names and locations have been altered, unless they have given me their consent.
Please note that none of the pictures you will see here are in any way retouched or processed, except to make others unrecognizable.
22/01/01: Sabrina’s new profile picture
The day was filled with doing nothing, except recovering from staying up late the night before, and sending and answering New Year messages. When I texted my neighbor Sabrina I saw that she had a new profile picture. It was one of the pictures I had taken in my bathroom when I’d tutored her in makeup. I can’t describe how much that touched me! Apparently she not only cherishes the experience but also still likes the outcome so much that she wants to present herself to others the way she looked back then. I asked her if anybody had reacted to it and there actually was one positive reaction from a friend.
22/01/02 to 22/01/08: A second week in Cologne
22/01/02: Travel
After I’d stayed at Hedda’s place for two nights, I went to Brackwede on the morning of Jan 2nd and took my car home. There I exchanged the backpack with my work bag, read all the meters, checked mail, watered the plants and then went back to Cologne in male mode
During the trip and then in the apartment in Cologne I wrote my diary, texted with others, and took care of my body. I shaved thoroughly, applied a facial mask, filed my nails and applied clear polish. I went to sleep early, since I needed to get up in time for work at six o’clock the next morning.
22/01/03: Outing to Johannes
I’d planned another outing for today, this time to Johannes, a former fellow student in Mannheim, who lives in Cologne. Our meeting was scheduled for 3 pm. and therefore I had a couple of issues until then because I wanted to be in male mode for the outing. Even though I would’ve liked to, I refrained from dressing in Wiebke’s clothing. Also I didn’t wear the wig, nor did I polish my nails except with the clear polish I’d applied yesterday. Something funny needs to be added here. Throughout my life I’m used to hiding my female personality from others. However, Dagmar had told the janitor last week that a woman friend would use her apartment this week, so that the janitor wouldn’t get suspicious if he met an unfamiliar face on the stairwell. Since Dagmar had been mentioning a female friend I felt inhibited to leave the building in male mode. The exact opposite to what I’m used to. When I realized that I had to chuckle. It turned out that it was a good thing to be in male appearance for work, too, because we had a remote team meeting and the most peculiar thing happened: our manager asked us to switch out cameras on, something we’ve rarely done before..
When work was done and 3 pm came closer I made sure I had enough charge on my phone, a mask, etc. and left for Rudolfplatzto meet Johannes there. He arrived exactly on time, just the way I know it from him. He suggested a Kölsch beer and he also had the right place in mind, at least he thought so. We ended up having four Kölsch there in total (they’re only 0.2 liters per glass), before we left for another place. The first venue was loud, too loud to start opening up, so I postponed.
We didn’t walk long. First of all we didn’t have to, there’s a wide variety of restaurants in this area, but it had started raining, too, so we wanted to be back inside sooner rather than later. We chose the La Strada and I picked a quiet table in the back on purpose. Then, after we’d placed our order, I got right to the point and I did it the exact same way I most always do it. After reading the second part Johannes shut the protective case of my phone with a loud bang and said: “Ok, we all have our problems. This changes nothing between us.”
That’s what he said, but his posture said something else, it had changed from open to protective. I showed him the pictures, of course, and he looked at maybe 8 or ten of them but then stopped. The sequence of events is always too fast to keep track of everything in detail but he started asking questions about what my plans were from thereon. I understood he wanted to know if maybe I would plan to socially transition or have surgery to some degree and answered that, but in retrospect I don’t believe that's what he meant. Because pretty soon I found myself explaining to him the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. I had to do that four times and still don’t think he got it. I guess, even though he remained rather calm on the outside, he freaked out on the inside, because he feared I’d make a pass on him. His gestures continued to look as though he was fending off an imaginary attack. It took a long while for him to compose himself and I believe he did so only because the brain stops issuing adrenaline at some point since one can’t stay tensed up for longer periods of time. I don’t think that my information about him not having to fear anything from me had really sunk in. We talked a lot longer, about two hours and had dinner in between, but it became rather clear he’d want to get back home before the evening was over. We left at half past six. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a while before I hear from him.
I went back into my apartment and, honestly, my urge to finally give Wiebke some leeway had built up immensely. So I changed and made myself up for no reason other than wanting to. I also felt a need to wear heels and slipped into my green ankle boots. When I was done I decided I’d want to take a walk and explored the western part of my neighborhood for an hour as I hadn't seen that before. Back home I changed into more reasonable footwear, but I’d definitely needed that to feel more feminine after that day and the outing. Finally I continued writing this diary and went to bed around 11 o’ clock.
22/01/04: A quiet day
I’ve developed a certain routine with workdays as Wiebke by now, but I decided to change that today, because of yesterday’s experience. There was a slight chance someone would want to see me on camera, so I didn’t do my face and also wore male attire from the belt area upward until the last scheduled meeting had taken place at noon.
Then I dressed completely and did make up and spent the rest of the workday en femme. I had no appointments and no other plans for the day so after work I took a nap for an hour and then tidied the apartment. Later that day I collected garbage and got rid of it. There were some things that I needed, like bread and toothpaste, but when I was downstairs I realized it was raining and I’d left the umbrella upstairs. I was just too damn lazy to go get it and run errands then so after disposing of the trash I just went back into the apartment. Instead I did extensive body care, took a bath, shaved, had a facial mask and so on.
During the day I had made yet another proposal to Ben and Nadine to meet the next day, Frankfurt was still just an hour away. This time Ben said that he’d be able to make it and we called each other to agree on the details. But then I found out that he still wasn't vaccinated for reasons beyond my comprehension, so we wouldn’t be able to enter any café, restaurant, or whatever. One option would be that he’d pick me up at the airport station, take me to their home and take me back to the airport a few hours later. That’d mean two hours of driving for him. Another option would be that I’d take trains to their hometown, but that doubles my travel time. The third option, staying outside, was one that I didn’t even want to consider due to the weather. We agreed that none of the options were viable and canceled the whole thing. After the call I made a decision: I won’t try meeting with them again until either they’re vaccinated or the pandemic has reached a bearable state.
Later that day I texted with Teena about my week and she was very interested. Teena is a woman of quick and unusual decisions, e.g. just recently she visited Paris with a friend (called Hani) for less than 48 hours, flying in on a Saturday at 6 am, first sight- seeing during the day, then partying all night, then sight- seeing again. She got three or four hours of sleep at best. If I did that I’d probably have good use for an undertaker afterwards… Anyway, when she learned about my plans for Friday night she decided she’d want to come and take Hani along again, just so she wouldn’t be bored on the journey. Thankfully I could talk her into taking a train instead of flying.
But what are my plans for Friday? It all started with me wanting to see Suzy Kessner again, I last met her two years ago in Munich. We coordinated dates together so that it would fit into this first week of 2022. It resulted in two evenings, namely Jan 6th and 7th (the Friday).
Next, a sister called Theresa, who lives in the Cologne area, asked if I’d find time to meet. We have spoken maybe two or three sentences to each other so far but why not? Then I asked Suzy if she would mind company on that Friday, she said no and announced that she would bring a certain Annika with her in that case. I told Theresa that we could meet. Then Dagmar (my landlady so to speak) sent a message and pondered if she’d like to join me again from Thursday to Saturday. I told her about the plans for Friday and invited her.
Finally then, as described, Teena decided to take advantage of a very cheap return train ticket I found for her. So now she’s doing roughly 900 km by train for just one evening in Cologne. Amazing! Even if it costs only 56€ per passenger.
22/01/05: Another rather quiet day
Today's work was a little more challenging than usual and wore me out a bit more. That’s why after work I needed a nap! During work hours I created a Signal group for the participants in the Friday gathering and made a reservation at the Kattwinkel.
After my nap I went shopping for water, toothpaste, bread, etc. When it was time to pay I decided to use one of those new self- service checkouts, the ones where you scan the items yourself and then pay by credit card. I tried to follow the instructions to the letter but I’m probably too old. In any case, I had scanned one item already when that darn thing told me to place my bag in a certain area. I did that and next it told me to place the vegetables on a scale. But I didn’t have any vegetables in my cart! And I didn’t find a way around it or a cancel button. The cashier shouted from a distance I should do this and that and I tried to, but nothing worked and at some point I just grabbed all my stuff and shouted back I’d queue up and do it the old- fashioned way. I still didn’t find a cancel button and that thing kept on repeating instructions at least until I left the supermarket. The cashier was angry with me and had no problem expressing that when it was my turn, but since I had no idea what I’d done wrong and consequently no sense of guilt I just bitched back at him. I’ve never had such a situation before as Wiebke and I find it worth mentioning for the sole reason that even in this episode I don’t think I was read. I was just that bird that didn’t know how to operate modern technology.
After the incident I thought I’d need to cool down a little so I took a detour on the way home despite the weight I had to carry. It worked, I’d calmed down by the time I was back at my front door.
The rest of the day was quiet again. I haven’t met anyone, but talked with Hedda on the phone for an hour and then listened to my favorite radio show. By 11 pm I was asleep. But there’s something to report from the chat while the radio show was unrolling. Mike, whom I have unfriended on facebook, commented and reacted to a number of my posts, all of which I ignored. He even posted a gif with someone dancing with a rainbow flag. I could say I don’t know what to make of this but I think I actually do: He’s trying to reestablish contact. However, he does it in a totally inadequate way. The way I see it he tries to ignore the subject that needs resolving and instead cover it up with noncommittal commonplace platitudes. He’s obviously not willing to go where it hurts and I’ll continue to ignore his advances.
22/01/06: Meeting Suzy and a catastrophe…
The workday was slower than usual due to today’s date. Jan 6th is a holiday (Epiphany) in the German states of Bavaria, Baden- Württemberg and Saxony- Anhalt. Many of my colleagues reside (and work, which is more to the point) in Bavaria, so there weren’t any calls to be expected from them. I felt like dressing even more feminine than the rest of the week but did only the most basic makeup. Early in the morning Suzy and I agreed to meet at Restaurant Klaaf at 6pm. and I planned to complete the makeup in time for that meeting.
Then, one and a half hours into the workday I received an email from Margit. I have mentioned her on and off in my diary, she’s the one person that remained from my short encounter with that “crossdresser forum” in fall last year. Our email correspondence has reached an incredible size and depth since then, it has grown to in excess of 250 pages in just under four months. Also, while I was in Graal- Müritz we had an online meeting for an hour and a few weeks later talked on the phone.
For the latter half of that correspondence I’d felt a growing uneasiness as I sensed an increasing dependence on my messages on her part. I’d voiced out my concerns about maybe not being able to (or not wanting to) fulfill her expectations of and projections on me, just as I’d tried to get her to focus on her relationship to her wife of 30 years, because from my end it seemed as if… well it wasn’t negligence, but maybe indifference? — as if she was too indifferent towards her spouse. I must confess that I should’ve seen this a long way coming, but didn’t want to acknowledge it.
In her message this morning she confessed that she’d fallen in love with me…
One could say a lot of things about this notion:
I could probably come up with a lot more points but it doesn’t really matter. What does matter: At this point in time I don’t know what to do! This exchange definitely cannot go on the way it was. I need to find out for myself if, and if yes, to what extent and under which conditions it can or should go on, what I can get out of it and if it’s a wise thing to do for Margit. I just don’t know! On the other hand, I need to tell her something. Not reacting at all, even not reacting for two days may put her in deep agony. I certainly don’t want that! If only I had someone to discuss this with, but I feel I’d have to disclose too much privileged information about her to even halfway be able to have a fruitful outcome. One thing, though, is absolutely clear: There’s no question at all about whether to pursue a relationship of sorts with her or not. And for the future I’ll have to change my style of communication in general so this won’t happen again. How I can accomplish that is a mystery, though, I can’t just down- regulate my empathy, for example.
After I had written this part in my diary I figured I should send her just that, my thoughts at the moment. Because: I didn’t think I could come up with something any time soon that was thought through well and that was weighed. But surely she was waiting. So I copied the text into an email and pushed the send button.
After work, just like the two days before, I took a nap, until my phone beeped and woke me up. It was a message from Dagmar and she told me that her Corona- App had informed her of a “dangerous encounter” on December 29th. Unfortunately the app doesn’t provide any detail about when and where that exactly happened so you’re being left in the dark and can’t assess för yourself if there really could have been a risk or not. Questions like: was the encounter inside or outside, was it maybe in a store with air filters, have I been sitting in a crowded area, in a train,...
