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- Herausgeber: tredition
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Sprache: Englisch
This is the seventh part of my ever-growing diary and, as always, I strongly recommend reading the earlier parts first. This is the first installment with a different title, as I feel I'm not becoming Wiebke anymore. I am Wiebke now, for the most part, anyway. This part ends with my official diagnosis. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, since I've learned not to state absolute truths anymore. This part covers the time frame between August and December 2022.
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Seitenzahl: 182
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2026
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Inhaltsverzeichnis
Dedication
Prologue
Disclaimer/ Privacy protection
22/08/03: Wiebke in the home office
22/08/04: Outing to Carina Holmecke
22/08/05: In a nutshell
22/08/06: Visit in Hattingen
22/08/07: Golf for the first time
22/08/08 and 22/08/09: Home office
22/08/10: Home office
22/08/11: Cancer treatment begins
22/08/12: Outing to Cassandra
22/08/13: After the outing
22/08/14: Weary and dizzy
22/08/16: Another surgery!
22/08/17: Lenny comes home
22/08/18: Idea during a morning swim
22/08/19: Idea implemented
22/08/20 - 22/08/24: No Wiebke
22/08/25: Therapy appointment and meeting with Cassandra
22/08/29: Appointment with Lenny in the youth psychiatric ward
22/09/01: Golf with Mark at 8 a.m.
22/09/04: Meeting Carina
22/09/06: Therapy appointment and dinner with Bintje
22/09/07: Bintje brings clothes
22/09/08: Further fitting
22/09/09: Wine festival with Cassandra
22/09/11: Preparation for a health cure
22/09/12: Trip to the health cure, admission interview
22/09/13: First day in the health cure
09/14: Psycho- oncologist appointment
22/09/16: Golf in Bad Wildungen
22/09/17 to 22/09/30: The rest of the health cure
22/10/02 - 22/10/08: Active week on Borkum
22/10/01: Packing for Borkum
22/10/02: Trip to Borkum
22/10/03: Wiebke looks around
22/10/04: Acclimatization
22/10/05: The longest Wiebke time of the week
22/10/06 and 22/10/07: Storm!
22/10/08: Return journey
Bottom line of the week
22/10/11: Therapy appointment
22/10/15: Side effects of cancer treatment
22/10/18: Surgery on the thyroid gland
22/10/30: After the thyroid surgery
22/10/31: A total catastrophe and a pension consultation
22/11/02: Reflections on interpersonal relationships in the "scene"
22/11/07: Follow-up care in the radio- oncology department
22/11/08: Therapy day
22/11/10: Cancer- specific physiotherapy?
22/11/12: Cancellation of an invitation
22/11/15: Stupid stuff on a trip
22/11/17: Mark takes charge
22/11/18: Trip to Hamburg
22/11/19: a really nice, really exhausting day
22/11/20: Weekend’s over
22/11/21: Aftermath
22/11/22: After-effects, still
22/11/23: When will it get better?
22/11/24: Not today
22/11/25: But today!
22/11/26: Christmas market weekend I
22/11/27: Christmas market weekend II
22/11/28: Visit to the doctor and an outing
22/11/29: Short trip to Oldenzaal
22/11/30: Back and forth with Elias Rothenplänter
22/12/01: Breasts...
22/12/02: Shock! Am I suddenly poor now?
22/12/03: Huh?
22/12/05: Outed by someone else at the "bosses"
22/12/06: And I already have an appointment
22/12/07: At the university clinic
22/12/08: A lot of organizational stuff
22/12/09: Finally a relaxed day
22/12/10: Breakfast in Bremen
22/12/11: Illness during illness
22/12/12: No reports to see...
22/12/13: Sun!
22/12/14: Doctors…
22/12/15: More doctors and an important outing...
22/12/16: Visits from Mark and Ralph
22/12/18 - 22/12/23: Holiday in Zandvoort
22/12/18: No packing
22/12/19: Pack and travel
22/12/20: Like from a picture book
22/12/21: Spontaneous trip to Amsterdam
22/12/22: Relaxing again...
22/12/23: Return journey
Quintessence of the five days
22/12/28: Diagnostic letter
22/12/31: Group outing
Alphabetical list of characters
About the author
Imprint
Being Wiebke I
Part VII of the diary of a trans woman, the first “I finally am myself”- part (August to December 2022)
Dedication
As always a special thank you goes to Rhonda Scharf for proofreading this book and helping me with phrasing!
Prologue
This is the seventh part of my ever-growing diary and, as always, I strongly recommend reading the earlier parts first. This is the first installment with a different title, as I feel I'm not becoming Wiebke anymore. I am Wiebke now, for the most part, anyway. This part ends with my official diagnosis. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, since I've learned not to state absolute truths anymore. This part covers the time frame between August and December 2022.
Disclaimer/ Privacy protection
You are not reading a fictional story, all of this has happened and unrolls further as you read. Faces of people other than me are distorted for their protection. For the same reason, names and locations have been altered, unless they have given me their consent.
Please note that none of the pictures you will see here are in any way retouched or processed, except to make others unrecognizable.
22/08/03: Wiebke in the home office
It's hardly worth mentioning, today I stood in for "my man" in the home office again. It was a very warm day.
22/08/04: Outing to Carina Holmecke
Today was Martin's birthday and I congratulated him. How good that I happened to take a photo with Sabrina that was suitable to congratulate him.
He thanked me and thought the picture was hot, which in turn made me happy.
Around 6 p.m. I expected Carina Holmecke to be at my place. After decades I’d met her again in the supermarket a while ago. Correction: She’d spotted me and addressed me at the fish counter, I would not have recognized her, because of the mask requirement that prevailed at the time. We were a couple for a while in the late 80's until her mother died of cancer and her life took a completely different turn. We lost touch and I assumed she'd be in Freiburg im Breisgau. It was quite a surprise to learn that she'd been back in my area for 10 years. Since that meeting by chance we’ve met every now and then. She's a nurse and was able to help me with diagnosing my back problems, then found out about my cancer and also provided valuable assistance. Her generous nature and our shared past made me want to confide in her in relation to Wiebke.
That evening the time had come, although I hadn't actually planned it, because we already had more than enough to talk about concerning the development of my illness. But when we came to the subject of hormones at the latest and what they or their absence actually do to me, it became increasingly difficult to make meaningful statements without including and addressing Wiebke. So I gave her my second coming out letter to read with a little introduction and also showed her pictures.
She noticed the happiness on my face, as did most of the others, but was also jealous of my ability to wear heels. She has a pronounced hallux and must wear flat shoes. She also said that she'd already noticed my long fingernails and that I’d actually behaved in a very feminine way back then already. She was happy for me and wasn't the least bit irritated. It's nice that that's settled now.
22/08/05: In a nutshell
In a nutshell: another Wiebke day in the home office.
22/08/06: Visit in Hattingen
Today the man in me visited Lenny in Hattingen. During the visit, I showed him pictures from last Sunday at Ralph and Sabrina's. He couldn't help but nod and smile, but didn't want to comment when I asked him what exactly was going through his mind. However, he did express the assumption that he’d see me more often in the future because I’d want to run around at home like this, and I confirmed that. In his eyes I read surprise, appreciation and even a little pride.
It wasn't until the afternoon of the next day that I remembered something else he’d said: He advised me not to go to a Christopher Street Day parade because "it's just a party and not a demonstration". It seems he's dealt with the topic a lot more than I've realized so far.
22/08/07: Golf for the first time
The man in me has been playing golf for about 7 years, not continuously, but still… It had been a dream for a long time that Wiebke would also play and I had already bought the appropriate equipment, i.e. clothing. Today was the day! I’d set up a tee off time at 8 a.m. with Mark, with whom I’ve often played as a man. We’d already made several attempts to find time in the morning, but sometimes the course was closed because of a tournament, sometimes one of us didn't have time.
I set my alarm for 6 a.m., put my golf stuff in the car the night before and painted my nails. It didn't take much effort to get up right after the alarm went off, the prospect of what was to come was motivation enough. So I slipped into my golf clothes and put on make-up. I drank a freshly made ginger tea, but didn't want to eat anything because it's just heavy on my stomach. I was due to be at the driving range at 7:20 am and had plenty of time planned so I could rest and have some tea after I was done. Then I left the house.
The golf course is a little bit higher in elevation than where I live and when I got off there, a fresh wind caressed my legs which made me think it’d been a good decision not to wear 7 denier tights as originally planned, but 20 denier ones. But it turned out later: I was wrong, my legs were pretty warm during the round. At 8 o'clock it was already around 15 degrees outside. That, combined with the physical exertion, means for the future: either I don't wear pantyhose at all or a very, very thin one. I think I would rather go for thin ones.
From the car I took my trolley and golf bag to the putting green for a few putting exercises and then on to the driving range. It was exactly like I’d wished for: besides me there was no one on either the putting green or the driving range, despite the great weather. This gave me the opportunity to deal with what was, for me, a completely new situation without being observed. The first thing I noticed was that my boobs were a lot less in the way than I’d imagined, I almost didn't notice them while playing, except that my shots were 10-15m shorter at first. On the other hand, what really got in the way was my hair. I’d taken a headband with me, which I later tried out briefly on hole one. It would’ve helped, but it looked awful, so I stopped wearing it. Later I didn't think about the hair anymore, it was just there. And the skort I wore was far more comfortable than anything I could wear to golf as a man. About 15 minutes before tee off, Mark also came onto the driving range. He is a quick starter, usually only plays a few balls on the range and then goes straight to the tee. I was almost warm when he came, played two or three more balls and then watched him for about two minutes after greeting and hugging, then we went to the tee together.
Because Mark played from the men's tee (yellow) and today I played from the women's tee (red), he was always the first to play. I really have to say that I find this to be a great advantage for women, because you can acclimate a bit on the track, catch your breath and just watch. After Mark had made his shot, his ball landed in the middle of the fairway, it was my turn next.
Today, and probably also for a couple of times more, I had a particular difficulty: Of course I know the place inside and out, after all it's my home club. But due to the different position of the tee and the shorter distance to the hole, I almost had a different course in front of me. I know my lengths and also the topography of the course, which is why I sometimes had to completely reassess what I’d do. At several holes it suddenly became clear to me why there is a bunker at a position that I previously thought was completely superfluous. In this respect, I may have had an advantage today due to the shorter distances to the hole, but on the other hand I also had the disadvantage of not really knowing the course anymore. I’d also decided to take a different approach to the game, using less force and more precision. As a result, I can say that it worked extremely well, and I also take some insights from this experience for my game as a man:
The game is not decided, or at least not significantly, by the length of the drive. Golf is won on the short distances.
My overall calmer style of play led to a significantly reduced back strain, in contrast to other occasions, I had no problems with my back at all on the whole round. This is definitely something worth keeping!
I felt like a fish in water on the round, it was just really, really great! Mark was also the greatest companion imaginable, taking many, many photos.
That first time, I didn't really care about the score, all that mattered was the experience of playing golf as a woman. When suddenly there was a single player behind us at the 6th hole who hadn't booked a tee off time yet when I checked before our round, I was very shocked and completely screwed up my drive. The second try was okay again and we then let the single player play through.
I also lost a ball in the bushes at hole 6. I said I wouldn't look for it, it would just rip my pantyhose. Mark said incredulously that he hadn't even noticed I was wearing one, he was just wondering how I managed to get such unbelievably smooth legs.
The next day, when I connected my golf watch to the computer, I realized: if I don't count the one shot that I messed up out of shock, I scored 19 net points in this first round as a woman. I think that's an incredible result! The round is one of my best ever played. I'm aware that it's not comparable because I played from red, but still! I would’ve been satisfied with zero points because that wasn't the issue. I’m now fired up to do it again as soon as possible, and Mark made a similar statement.
We started playing very early, so we finished the round before 10 a.m., although we took our time. The catering in the clubhouse only opens at 11 a.m., which is why (and also because I don't know if I would have really dared) I suggested to Mark that we have a coffee at my place. He agreed. He still had to pay for his round in the club office and I pulled up, turned on the coffee machine and quickly changed. My golf gear wasn't necessarily sweaty, but it wasn't that comfortable to wear anymore. When Mark arrived I’d already prepared the patio and we sat there with the coffee.
I was incredibly happy with what I’d experienced and said so several times and thanked him for his company. On the pitch I asked him at the green of the 3rd hole how he perceives my movements and whether that fits my role. Because it’d be quite possible that I’d show (clearly) male movement patterns. But he said he didn't feel irritated. If he compares my movements with those of his wife Annika, they’d be absolutely “correct”. He repeated that again, even without me asking him about it again. Moreover he said: That singleplayer who had overtaken us certainly hadn’t noticed either, because his behavior towards us was absolutely unbiased and normal, so I shouldn't have been so scared. And because the behavior is so natural, he doesn't see a problem playing in the afternoon and with a larger occupancy, he's sure that nobody will notice anything.
He remarked on something else from our meeting a few weeks ago, which Annika had attended. At the time he’d leaned back for quite a long time and just listened to the communication between Annika and me. He noticed that Annika spoke to me very differently than she did to Thomas before, and he generally had the impression that this was a conversation between women, from which he should stay away anyway. He added how that would’ve made him smile (without me noticing it at the time) because it made him realize how complete and authentic my role change was. We’ve considered playing in Gütersloh as soon as possible, in his new home club.
A day later he texted that he could well imagine the next logical step for me would be to talk to the club manager to have my entry changed from male to female at the club, and that this should happen within the next few weeks. At first I couldn't follow this reasoning at all because it was worded a bit cryptically, and of course that's not really an option, the club will certainly only want to refer to official documents. And it would mean a further coming out, which would probably also affect my mother, which is why I don't want it. But if Mark has such a thought, that shows his complete acceptance in my opinion.
22/08/08 and 22/08/09: Home office
Wiebke was in the home office on these two days also and on both days I felt the need to dress up better than necessary for the occasion. On August 8th I went grocery shopping during lunch break and discarded old clothes into the recycling box.
22/08/10: Home office
Wiebke was in the home office again today. It was an extremely quiet day, everyone already knew that this would be my last day at work for at least the next four weeks and therefore didn't bother me with new tasks. So I had the opportunity to email an endocrinology practice asking for an appointment. I chose to write instead of call for a reason; in my opinion, the situation is too complicated to be conveyed or understood in a quick telephone call. I wrote the following:
“Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to make an appointment to clarify the facts described below. Unfortunately, these facts are quite complicated, which is why I choose to write to request an appointment to avoid misunderstandings. I’d be far from sure which of the specialty departments presented on your website I should choose...
In 2015 I was diagnosed with a testosterone deficiency and subsequently treated with depot injections. Even before this treatment, I had my PSA determined annually, it was consistently below 1. I also had it monitored during the testosterone administration, after a few months it rose significantly to over 4 and then continued to climb up to 8. I then stopped taking testosterone. It's impossible to determine if there was a causal relationship, but the increase stopped after stopping treatment and my PSA has since oscillated between about 6 and 9.
I switched urologists earlier this year and the new urologist biopsied my prostate. I have prostate cancer that’ metastasized to the chest area. I’ve already taken bicalutamide and received a shot of Leuprorelin which will be boosted in three months. The metastases were detected on a PSMA PET-CT scan and coincidentally, my thyroid gland was also found to be more than twice the normal size. It is now to be taken out.
In addition, after decades of denial, I’ve been in psychotherapy for trans identity (MTF) since October of last year. In this therapy, I recognized with a certain probability that the testosterone deficiency that was found might not actually be a deficiency at all; my lifelong behavior, which we have worked through, indicates this.
I’d now like to have my hormonal situation checked as a whole and, if necessary, derive information from it for the best possible treatment. If nothing else, the current situation regarding testosterone suppression can potentially be used with a view to hormone replacement therapy. I will accept any appointment suggested by you unless I am absent. I’m looking forward to your reply!
Sincerely,"
Now I'm waiting for the reply...
Around noon I wrote to Ralph. Yesterday I made vegetarian meatballs again and changed the recipe a bit. I added a bun, more mustard and more onions and more spices in general. This time, in my opinion, they were even better than the first. And today I thought of a test: Ralph is the biggest meat eater I know. I still had one meatball and the idea was to give it to him to eat. I wrote to him, of course without saying beforehand that it’s vegetarian. He came just before 5 and rang the bell. At the time I was talking to Hedda on the phone but ended the call and invited him in. I could no longer detect any irritation when I opened the door for him, his behavior towards me as Wiebke was completely natural. I briefly explained why I’d been on the phone and we also exchanged other information while I warmed up the patty. Then I placed it in front of him, gave him mustard and ketchup, but he wanted to try it without condiments first. He noticed that there was cheese in it and asked a little later if there was rice in it, too. So I solved the mystery and told him that the meatball was completely vegetarian and would contain no meat at all. He expressed his praise that it was actually a full- fledged replacement.
In the conversation he used the correct personal pronouns and also addressed me as Wiebke, which I found very positive. Since he’d come relatively late, I didn't have that much time and ushered him out again quite quickly. We greeted each other with the now usual Corona greeting, i.e. joining fists. But while we were walking to the front door and talking about Sunday night's dress- up sessions, he suddenly turned and offered me a hug with a smile. There was nothing forced about it, it seemed completely natural to me and I was very happy about it.
22/08/11: Cancer treatment begins
Today I was radiated for the first time and I didn't notice any side effects. Something else seemed much more important, I wanted to play golf with Mark again, this time at his new club. So I wrote to him:
"Good morning Mark,
There might be something you can do for me. I'll explain that a bit so that my way of thinking becomes clear.
My radiation treatment will start on Thursday, I already have an appointment at 10:30 a.m. Also on Thursday I get my appointment for Friday and then on Friday all appointments for the following week. My request is as follows:
