Becoming Wiebke I E-Book

Wiebke ter Lichten

• Herausgeber: tredition
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 190

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

It must have been some time in summer of 2018 that my girlfriend asked me out of the blue if I had ever thought about having a complete makeover into a female. She suggested that it could be interesting. I said yes and no, and honestly the thought had crossed my mind for maybe a split second but I had dismissed it because I was absolutely sure that the results wouldn't be anywhere near my standard of quality. Then Christmas 2018 came, and her present was just that: a makeover. She had been talking to the owner of a service, had checked the options, made preparations, the whole nine yards. No way for me to chicken out! The makeover took place on Valentine's Day 2019 and Wiebke was born. Since then I am developing a female persona and have started venturing this world as a woman, all supported by my beloved girlfriend. This edition 1 is a diary of my activities and feelings as a woman since that fateful day until September 2020. Later editions will be published as my alternate persona evolves.

Leseprobe

Becoming Wiebke I

A mostly male person’s diary dealing with trans issues and progression into being more female

Foreword

Exactly four years after I started keeping this diary, I've reached a point where I can almost lead a normal life as a woman. From today's perspective, I'm not particularly proud of volumes 1 to 3 of my diary. They are essentially characterized by amazement at myself and contain details that I thought were important at the time, but no longer. I could, of course, revise them, but that would be a falsification. It's also important and interesting for me to understand how I thought then, and that's why I leave everything as it is. Readers, please have mercy on me!

Prologue

As of August 2020 I am a 53-year-old father of a 14 year old son, a single parent for the last twelve years. Since we live together there is practically no time for me to be Wiebke, my female persona, at home, except on the rare occasions when he goes to see his Mum. He doesn't see her on a regular basis as she is suffering from an at times incapacitating illness. There are occasions when he goes to see her and returns right away. So even when he's gone, I need to be cautious.

You will read about my first makeover on February 14th, 2019, in the first chapter of this book. I had no female name before that date and didn’t feel that anything was missing. But something was, in fact, missing! I have started to develop a female personality, taste and style, what I know is going to be a series of trials and errors. My female persona has developed an image of herself and wants to show the world that she’s there.

Initially, after the makeover, I had been going by the name of "Riva". My girlfriend Hedda had reiterated that she didn't like that name, over time increasingly emphatically. I saw her point, was open to suggestions and willing to change, even though it was my name and not a role I took on. However, I wanted a name that no one else I know has, because otherwise I would immediately have a picture in my head reminding me of that person and her character traits. Around April/ May 2020 I changed my name to Wiebke.

The nameless being in the decades before hadn’t thought about how others see her, because it was absolutely clear that no one would ever know about her. For the same reason she never had a name. But she has a long history, nonetheless. To make this text more readable I will refer to this being as Wiebke, too, even though she actually wasn’t Wiebke yet.

Young Wiebke has a first conscious memory of being envious of girls at the age of six. On a hot summer day, I saw two girls in summer dresses going home on the school bus trying on the other one’s sandals (hideous models, by the way, it was the 70s!). Something unthinkable for boys! Or so I thought back then and, if I’m honest, I still think that. My thoughts back then: They have a lot more liberties than me, no one thinks what they were doing is inappropriate! I myself knew I was restricted from doing things like that.

I had always been an outstanding student, especially in elementary school (and I’m not boasting, just describing the facts back then), taught myself to read by the age of four. In my last year in kindergarten I read stories to the other children and the kindergartners. Schoolmates called me “professor” at times. On top of that I have almost always shown controlled and reasonable behavior. That found a lot of favor with the adults, was praised a lot and sparked a circle of reinforcement. You get praised for what you do and that reinforces the desired behavior. Probably due to this I had been entrusted with tasks that were not age-appropriate in my view. And some of the things that were assigned to me didn’t exactly make me everybody’s darling among my fellow students. I was being accepted but not liked on a broader basis. My parents urged me to help my younger brother with his homework and tutor him. Neither of us wanted that and it has damaged our relation to this date. Additionally, since it was all about brains, physicality didn’t matter at all and was pushed in the background. Cautious attempts at dressing just a little more fashionably in my male persona were ridiculed or even opposed. Consequently, trying to conform, I didn’t try again for a long time. I have always been (and still am, by some) admired for my intellect, but only for my intellect. In the meantime, there are people in my life who also like me for my usually pleasant nature.

I don’t think of myself as overly handsome as a man. When Wiebke looked into the mirror on February 14th for the first time, I saw a very attractive woman who I liked immediately. A few days after I heard that I seemed to be at peace with myself at that moment. It’s true, I was! Because at that moment I was able to fully and unconditionally appreciate my physicality. What I saw was enticing and beautiful.

Those long decades between the earliest childhood memories of a female persona within me and 2019 are hardly worth mentioning. I think I started dressing somewhere around the age of ten, sometimes it was relaxing, at other times I was on my toes because I feared discovery. There were a few attempts at completing the image, e.g. trials with makeup with horrific results. There were phases when I was looking to take care of that side of and times when I tried to suppress it. And my weight oscillated between 77 and 94 kilograms, depending on which phase I was in. Sometimes my living situation left room to allow for more Wiebke time. In essence, I went through pretty much everything others in my situation experience too. There’s nothing out of the ordinary, maybe with two exceptions in later years:

Honesty and trust have been highly important values to me for most of my life. After many relationships with women who knew nothing about my other side, I grew tired of having to hide and increasingly started hating myself for being dishonest. I know it wasn’t ideal and I hadn’t specifically planned the sequence of events but in my marriage, I opened up to my wife sometime after the wedding. The marriage broke apart but for other reasons. Wiebke had no support from the wife but was tolerated.

Both ironically and tragically I learned only after the divorce that I had had a brother- in- law who now is my ex- sister- in- law. My wife chose to leave me in the dark about that (as it turned out not- quite- so-secret) secret during my marriage. One could argue (and until today I maintain) that my wife must have sensed something about me before we even got together, with all the knowledge she had from her then- brother. My ex- sister- in- law and I have lost contact before the divorce and don’t know each other anymore.

In my current relationship of ten years I have communicated my situation openly right from the start, even before the start. My girlfriend actively supports me, the first makeover was her Christmas present. That is an invaluable piece of good fortune and I will not stop praising and thanking her for that!

My initiation described in the chapters to follow has led to an increasing obsession with exploring both my femininity and being a female out in the world. I don’t know where this journey will lead me. Episodes will be added to this diary as they occur.

A special thank you goes to Rhonda Scharf for proofreading this book and helping me with phrasing!

Disclaimer/ Privacy protection

You are not reading a fictional story, all of this has happened and unrolls further as you read. Faces of people other than me are distorted for their protection. For the same reason, names and locations have been altered, unless they have given me their consent.

Please note that none of the pictures you will see here are in any way retouched or processed, except to make others unrecognizable.

Feb 14th, 2019: Valentines day 2019, my first makeover

It must have been some time in summer of 2018 that my girlfriend Hedda asked me out of the blue if I had ever thought about having a complete makeover. She suggested that it could be interesting. I said yes and no, and honestly the thought had crossed my mind for maybe a split second but I had dismissed it because I was absolutely sure that the results wouldn't be anywhere near my standard of quality.

Then Christmas 2018 came, and her present was just that: a makeover at a service in Hamburg called "schwesternzeit”, sister time in English. She had been talking to the owner, had checked the options, made preparations, the whole nine yards. No way for me to chicken out!

On Feb 13th we went to Hamburg for an overnight stay. She had purposefully selected Valentine’s Day as the day for the makeover. That morning I shaved extra closely, and then we walked to schwesternzeit. I was incredibly nervous. Whenever someone crossed our path, I was dead sure that they knew what we were up to and were snickering. Next to schwesternzeit (at its old location, the studio has moved since then) was a barber shop. When we stood in front of the service and waited for the door to open, I was sure that everyone in the barber shop was watching. It was devastating! What was even more devastating: we learned that there had been a mix-up. We thought the appointment was at 10, when in reality Karin, the owner, was expecting us at 1. Now we had to kill time until then, which relieved me, but I would have to do that "walk of shame" again, which of course I didn't like at all! At least I could leave my baggage there. Anyway, Hedda and I went to a café and then walked around some before we returned.

Over the years I had collected a sizable amount of clothing and shoes, some jewelry and even a dreadful wig. I had brought all of that along and we three looked through it together. Karin started assembling pieces that would go well together (and I know now that while she was doing that, she was also developing a story book for the photo shooting). Whenever necessary she added something from her vast stock, but there wasn't much that we needed from her. We put together three different outfits in which I'd be photographed.

She asked me to put on the first outfit, an all-black one. She also asked me to wear two bras, one very tight and one normal (something that I still do). The tight bra helps create cleavage of my own, because I have something close to cup A myself. I was left alone in the changing room. Dressing wasn't a problem; I had done it hundreds of times. Presenting to my girlfriend also was nothing new. But letting myself be seen by a complete stranger was a different thing. I came out of the room very reluctantly. But Karin was completely professional and acted like it was the most normal thing. And really, to her it is, of course! She has a way of dealing with these situations that takes the edge off quickly. I quickly composed myself...

Next Karin had me sit down in front of a large mirror and took a good long look at my face, checking and probing. She then started making me over. I had rarely tried make-up before so all the feelings were quite new to me. I couldn't follow any of her steps, I just had no clue at all. It felt very strange. All the while Karin was talking with Hedda, asking her this and that, if crossdressing would be part of our erotic world, how we came together, what all this means to my girl. She praised her highly for being so open, only about 10 - 20 % of her customers are out to their partners, only a portion of those partners were accepting and even fewer were supportive. I wasn't allowed to speak but hearing that, despite that it wasn't exactly news to me, made me very proud! I do know and I do appreciate the almost uniquely advantageous position I am in!

Eventually the make-up was done, with almost everything you can think of. But still I was looking at a strangely distorted image of a man. Then it was time for the wig. I don't remember if I chose the first one or if Karin did. We chose a reddish wavy wig. I was told to close my eyes and it was put on my head. Next, I was told to turn around so I wouldn't be able to look at myself in a mirror. Then my girlfriend took a first picture after I had been allowed to open my eyes. And only then I was allowed to look at myself...

I will remember this moment forever: I looked in the mirror and had two feelings at the same time: What I see is a woman! And the woman I see is me! There's nothing male about me. I recognized myself, that is who I am inside. I could have started crying then, I could cry now looking back. It was a life changing moment ! I needed some time to recover from this wave of emotions. The next feeling I remember was intense remorse. All these years I had never tried a complete transformation because I was 100% certain that nothing half-decent could be achieved. And here I was! And I could have started crying again. Karin knew that, of course, and knew how to prevent a complete breakdown. She kept me busy.

I had to get up, she adjusted my outfit and hair. But by now Hedda had to leave, she had booked tickets for a specific train and because of the mix-up this morning it was time for her to go. I kissed her goodbye, thanked her as much as I could... and then it was just Karin and me.

I remember that quite soon after my girlfriend had left Karin just looked at me for a long time and then said "There's a lot more going on here than what you've told your girlfriend, right?" I had no clue what she meant. I don't know what my reply was, but I contacted her afterward, wanting to know what she had seen that I hadn't. By now I know. As early as then she had already sensed that I wasn't just your run of the mill crossdresser. She had felt the change in behavior, in mannerisms. And she thought that I was doing that because I was used to doing it, because she assumed there had been many occasions like this one before and I just hadn't told my girlfriend the whole truth. I said I didn’t know what she meant and I don't know if she believed my answer back then, probably not, but she believes me now. In a sense, these moments made me unique among her customers, to my knowledge she's never had that before or since.

As the session went on she took a load of pictures in different outfits, made me pose in ways that sometimes almost made me fall over, everything went so breathtakingly fast. In the end I was so exhausted that I couldn't even smile anymore. We had booked three hours, but in the end, I got 5 and a half hours’ worth (a recurring pattern, appointments I would have with Karin would never end on time). I took the last possible train home and while I would have liked to talk to Hedda from the train that wasn't feasible, there were too many ears around me. So, we talked for long hours after I had returned home.

I don't remember much about what I did the next few days. It seems I ran on autopilot, but I remember that emotionally I was in a daze. I was sad, happy, motivated, all at the same time. When I finally came to my senses about a week later, I made a follow-up appointment with Karin for April 15th.

I was sure I wanted to do this more often and already had this urge to learn to do my own make-up. I bought a good wig online that resembled the first one I tried at schwesternzeit, bought even more clothes and shoes and you name it.

Oh, and I had to pick a name! Karin asked me what my name was, because then she'd know who to send the pictures to, and I didn't have one, because I never felt I'd need one. I confess I made a grave mistake here: I solved that on my own without checking with Hedda. I came up with Riva ter Lichten, which was supposed to allude to "river to the light". I was quite proud of that until I found out that my girl couldn't relate to it. For a while I clung to it, but eventually Hedda and I started searching for one we’d both like. My first name changed to Wiebke (pronounced like 'Veepka'), but it took a year to finally go through with it. That's why URLs, mentions, etc. that mention "Riva'' are still out there on the internet.

April 15th, 2019: 2nd visit to Schwesternzeit

Shortly after I was able to think straight after that first makeover, I booked another appointment with schwesternzeit. We agreed on April 15th (my son happened to be on Easter holidays) and the goal was not a photo shoot but makeup lessons. I was sure that I wanted to become self-sufficient as soon as possible. Nevertheless, when the time arrived, I packed something to wear anyway, because I feel that I can only fully appreciate and assess any results when I'm also dressed for the occasion.

On Sunday the 14th I took the train again and stayed in a hotel. The next morning I walked to schwesternzeit with all my belongings. The appointment was for 10 o'clock. When I arrived there was another customer, Lara, there already. She had a similar goal, she wanted to learn how to achieve smoky eyes. So we both sat down, each one in front of her own mirror. Lara was well versed in the basic techniques already so she didn't need any instruction for anything except the eyes.

For me, everything was new. And Karin explained techniques patiently, answered my questions, some of them, in retrospect, that were really dumb. We agreed that she would do the right half of the face and I would try to copy her on the left. The left side is a lot easier since I can see what I'm doing. If it were the right side I'd have trouble seeing what I was doing, with an almost blind left eye. We also discussed if there'd be any technique that would cope with the blind eye, but she didn't know any.

We slowly walked through the whole process and I took notes of products she recommended, the sequence of steps, what to apply where, etc. She even taught me a bit about contouring. Much of the information simply didn’t stick because there was too much to process. But we laid a foundation on which I could build later. And she equipped me with a tailor made starter-kit from her stock. All the while Lara also got recommendations for her smoky eyes look and the result was astonishing. As was Lara herself. Tiny and frail as she was, I later learned that in her daily life she was an A380 flight captain. She had brought the cutest evening gown you could imagine, and she had a blonde long wig and strappy high heel sandals. While she was sitting next to me, she was in drab and in baggy clothes, only after that makeup was done did she put it all together. When I saw her, I felt like I'd been hit with a hammer.

Before this appointment I had ordered a wig online that resembled the first one from the first makeover, but it hadn't arrived in time. The one from Karin was "in maintenance", so I had to use a replacement.

I hadn't planned it, I might even have chickened out of the whole appointment, had someone told me what would happen next. With my wig being where it belonged and Lara ready to get a few pictures taken in daylight both of them urged me to join them outside. And I did! For the first time! It was excruciating, I felt like either the next best passer-by would kill me, or the sky would collapse. Nothing like that happened, of course...in all fairness, my first outdoor experience was really only that I went out the door, barely, maybe seven meters. Karin took pictures, a service I hadn't booked and that she didn't charge for. I was standing there grinning (and not feeling it) through clenched teeth, mumbling "I want to go back inside", just frightened that someone would scream "Freeeeak" at me. I was very glad when I was finally allowed to go back inside.

Time was already up, as happens so often when Karin gets carried away, so Lara and I both removed our makeup and transformed into males again. With a pile of makeup items, paintbrushes, etc. I left for the train station. Lara came along and we parted when her train left. Standing there by myself waiting for the train I thought about what happened and what might happen if I were there on the platform without having gotten back into boy mode. Suddenly I knew I wanted that, a lot! I promised myself to come back as soon as possible and have Karin accompany me into this world.

July 23rd, 2019: 3rd visit to Schwesternzeit, first time out

The day after my second visit to schwesternzeit I called and made a new appointment. One of Karin's services is outdoor accompaniment for as long as you wish. Since I had set the goal to go out and widen my options, I booked her for three hours on July 23rd, 2019. Like Valentine’s day when my first makeover took place this again was a special date, only with a twist: On this day exactly twenty years ago I had met my ex-wife.

In the three months’ time between my second and third appointments I had used every possible opportunity, sometimes even when barely possible, to practice makeup skills and I had a ton of questions to ask. We could have done the same routine as last time, her doing one half of the face and me the other, but that would have taken up the whole session. So, I left it all to Karin, asking her my questions along the way. Luckily my wig had arrived before this appointment so I was able to wear my "own" hair. Karin put some corkscrew curls in it which I liked a lot. I had specifically brought an outfit that I thought would be more or less unremarkable, because I really didn't want to attract any undue attention.

Once I was completely made up I stepped outside, equipped with a huge handbag. The plan was to go grocery shopping at a farmer's market nearby. It was a very hot day, temperatures peaked at 28°C. I don't know how she does it, but Karin had prepared me subliminally. Last time outside I thought the whole world would come to an end but I was much calmer this time. On the way to the market Karin talked and talked and talked, giving me something to concentrate on other than the people around us. She was very reassuring! I did look at them anyway, of course, and found they really weren't interested, so I concluded that I wasn't the freak show I thought I was after all.