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- Herausgeber: tredition
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Sprache: Englisch
This is the sixth part of my ever- growing diary and I strongly recommend reading the earlier parts first. I had ended my third book stating that I wouldn't publish any further parts, unless there'd be major progress to report. At the time I didn't expect that to happen, but it did! That's why I'm now publishing three new installments of my diary since then in a short time frame. I have been diagnosed, am in transition for a year now and of course I've kept on writing my diary and reached a point where publishing makes sense again. The speed of my progression has increased and my social transition is more than half way through. This part covers the time frame between May and July 2022.
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Seitenzahl: 166
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025
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Inhaltsverzeichnis
Dedication
Prologue
Disclaimer/ Privacy protection
22/05/03: Therapy Session
22/05/04: Golf with Bintje and two invitations
22/05/05: I'm letting my neighbors in
22/05/07: Freedom and another outing
22/05/08: Mother's Day...
22/05/09: A day in home office
22/05/10: Another day in home office
22/05/11 & 22/05/12: Home office continued...
22/05/13: Continuing the outing marathon
22/05/14: Some shopping
22/05/16: Queer stuff in everyday life
22/05/18: Getting my ears pierced, almost!
22/05/19: Home office, what else? Therapy session
22/05/20: What? Well, home office, of course.
22/05/21: Pierced ears! And finally coming out to Ralph!
22/05/22: No reaction from Ralph, bike tour
22/05/23: Oh no!!!
22/05/24: Back to normal
22/05/25: Wiebke helps Ralph
22/05/26: Is Wiebke hiking or not?
22/05/27 - 22/05/29: The virtual Wiebke
22/05/30 & 22/05/31: Visiting Nadine and Ben in Fischbach
22/05: A look back on the month
22/06/01: Department meeting in Mannheim
22/06/11: Teena's party
22/06/12: After Teena's party
22/06/16 to 22/06/25: Vacation on Langeoog
22/06/26: A Wiebke day
22/06/29: Outing to my son
22/07/01: Cancer diagnosis, video call with Martin, phone call with Natasha
22/07/02: Errands with the bike
22/07/03: An evening bike ride
22/07/04: Wiebke in the home office
22/07/05: Wiebke at the therapist
22/06/06: Ah, how liberating!
22/07/07: Another full day Wiebke
22/07/08: At the doctor’s again
22/07/09: My son had an accident
22/07/10: A whole day of Wiebke, visiting Ralph & Sabrina
22/07/12: Visit to the clinic, meeting with Annika and Mark
22/07/13: Laundry day and hospital again
22/07/14: Dining out with Ralph and Sabrina
22/07/15: Home office and 20 km bike tour
22/07/16: Errands on Saturday morning
22/07/17: Banged up shoulder
22/07/18: Further examinations and errands
22/07/19: Dagmar doesn’t visit
22/07/21: Therapy appointment...
22/07/22 to 22/07/27: Lenny’s at home
22/07/28: Natasha leaves the Schwesternzeit forum
22/07/29: Wiebke is back
22/07/30: Video call with Ophélia
22/07/31: Wiebke at home and in the neighborhood
Alphabetical list of characters
About the author
Imprint
Becoming Wiebke VI
Part VI of a diary of someone who was born genetically male and diagnosed as transgender (May to July 2022)
Dedication
As always a special thank you goes to Rhonda Scharf for proofreading this book and helping me with phrasing!
Prologue
This is the sixth part of my ever-growing diary and I strongly recommend reading the earlier parts first. I had ended my third book stating that I wouldn't publish any further parts, unless there'd be major progress to report. At the time I didn't expect that to happen, but it did! That's why I'm now publishing three new installments of my diary since then in a short time frame. I have been diagnosed, am in transition for a year now and of course I've kept on writing my diary and reached a point where publishing makes sense again. The speed of my progression has increased and my social transition is more than half way through. This part covers the time frame between May and July 2022.
Disclaimer/ Privacy protection
You are not reading a fictional story, all of this has happened and unrolls further as you read. Faces of people other than me are distorted for their protection. For the same reason, names and locations have been altered, unless they have given me their consent.
Please note that none of the pictures you will see here are in any way retouched or processed, except to make others unrecognizable.
22/05/03: Therapy Session
Today there was another three and a half hour therapy session. The first half hour consisted of making appointments for the entire current year plus one appointment in January 2023. I’d been afraid that I wouldn't be allowed to sit down at all today. The therapist Dr. Krecké had finally submitted an application to my health insurance and I had received a letter informing me that twelve sessions would be approved. In fact, these twelve sessions were long over. He calmed me down, we moved on.
As usual, this session had many twists and turns. And, also as usual, I don't want to report on it in detail. But at one point the therapist triggered a great deal of sadness and dissatisfaction in me with a long statement, which didn't discourage me as usual, but which on the contrary made me want to do something urgently, namely open up to my neighbors . He said that there was a “spare- time- Wiebke” who was at home everywhere except at home. That would be quite nice, but it wouldn't get me anywhere. He asked how much longer I wanted to continue doing that.
I had to agree with him completely! If I continue to be more considerate of other people’s needs instead of myself, or even worse, what I think other people's needs are without even knowing, I'll never get anywhere. After the session a plan developed, which I implemented two days later.
22/05/04: Golf with Bintje and two invitations
I had arranged a 9-hole round of golf with Bintje for this afternoon, afterwards we sat at the clubhouse and had a drink. During the round I told her how much Wiebke would like to golf one day and she said that she would also like to be there for support. We considered playing very early on Sunday morning. I guess I'll have to get used to being Wiebke on the course in a quiet setting first, because who knows what difficulties I'll encounter that I can't foresee right now.
On the one hand it's good when someone is there, and on the other hand it's just as good when there isn't too much going on on the pitch. As we were sitting at the clubhouse, Bintje suggested that I golf with her at the island of Norderney on June 17th. There is a tournament there and she sees a way to get me in there without having to show a DGV membership card in Wiebke's name. Bintje is probably a bit of a hothead, her proposal is much too fast for me. But it’s not feasible anyway, on June 16th I'm going to Langeoog with Hedda anyway.
Next, Bintje suggested that I could have dinner with her and a friend next Saturday evening. That would actually work in terms of time, but I don't know her friend. Bintje told me she was an ex-girlfriend and said I would know her. She showed me a photo, but I didn't recognize the woman. It irritated me quite a bit when Bintje told me that this ex-girlfriend was about 20 years older, in her mid-70s, and to this day she’d still assume that she is not an ex-girlfriend at all. But I didn't ask anything. Nevertheless, I thankfully declined the invitation, even though it would of course be a good opportunity for Bintje to get to know Wiebke.
Teena is on vacation in Croatia at the moment, but in the evening she extended a new invitation to a party for June 11th, again at her home in the Soundbunker in Wahlstedt. I accepted the invitation right away and booked a hotel room nearby the next morning. Who knows, maybe the same thing will happen again as at my first party there: maybe I'll be looking for a striking outfit again for weeks. But maybe I'll make it a little easier for myself: I'd like to take my new goatskin pumps out and I figure that ripped jeans would go well with them, possibly with fishnet tights underneath. However, at the moment I neither have ripped jeans nor fishnet tights. I'll think about it for a few more days and then probably order, there's still time...
22/05/05: I'm letting my neighbors in
I carried out the plan I had developed since the most recent therapy session today. Due to a special situation, a lot of neighbors from my street met in my direct neighbors garden and of course I was there, too, discussing something that affects the whole street. The city wants to make us “happy” after 87 years with the "final development" of the street and we have coordinated how to react to this farce, because they also expect us to pay considerable 5-digit amounts for that. After the meeting I just stayed longer until I had Janka and Steffan to myself and gave them an abridged coming- out letter I had prepared. In contrast to my normal procedure, I didn't give them any choice, i.e. didn't ask them whether they wanted the information or not. They got to read the following:
“Hello,
I would like to take the opportunity to tell you something about myself in order to prevent irritation as much as possible. It just makes sense, now that my son won't be with me for the foreseeable future, I want to give myself some space and play with cards open.
I was born with a special task, a special state of mind. From an early age I had a vague feeling that something was wrong with me, but I hid it, closed myself off and felt ashamed. For the longest time I had no words for it, no categories, no explanation, no one to ask, let alone anyone to expect a meaningful answer from. I was hoping it would go away... But it didn't go away! It wasn't until the advent of the internet that I finally understood that I'm not the only person in the world who feels like I do. I tried to make my peace with the situation. And I'm still trying today! My girlfriend, whom I told about it from the beginning of our relationship or even before it started, supports me to the best of her ability. I don't know how I deserve so much love, friendship and understanding, but I know that I will never be able to thank her enough for what she means to and does for me.
I want to reveal to you that I feel that I am gender ambiguous. Ever since kindergarten, at the latest, I have not felt comfortable with the exclusively male role attribution. For decades I have led a mental and now at times actual double life, which I would now like to gradually give up. Most of the time, I mostly conform to what is expected of me: a man's behavior. More and more often, however, I allow myself to slip into the female role and live out my other side. I've been in therapy since August last year and the diagnosis of "trans identity" has already been made.
When dealing with the topic, two important different terms are often not distinguished: The actual sexuality or "sexual orientation" refers to romantic and/ or physical love, it’s directed from oneself to others. Gender, on the other hand, encompasses how one feels and how one would like to be perceived. So it’s a self-centered feeling, it's about identity. For me it's definitely about identity and it's important for me to make that clear to you.
I've been hiding for far too long and I don't want to do that any more because you only have two lives and the second starts when you realize you only have one! That's why I've decided to open up to you, too, simply because I want to prevent rumors. After decades of fighting myself, I finally want to be who I really am!
If you like, this letter is not the end but the beginning of my opening. I'll be happy to answer any questions I left unanswered! Also, there are no embarrassing questions! On the other hand, I won't impose myself on you either, if you don't ask I can accept that.
Thank you for reading this far. I would be very happy if you wouldn't spread the information too widely, because there are still important people, my son for example, who don't know anything about it yet.
PS: And because I know that people who are confronted with this topic for the first time have all sorts of funny images in their heads since it’s been treated in the media in a disparaging way for decades, it’s important to me that I can counter those images. Therefore I offer to show you some pictures. It helps to understand the situation."
Then, as usual, I showed photos. In this case, it took a lot of courage and willpower to do it. In my view, both of them are extremely conservative. But I was met with understanding and, in Janka's case, even knowledge: She’s a teacher and let me know that she has a trans woman among her colleagues. Steffan, the lawyer, said he’d live by a principle of an old Prussian king, the “old Fritz”: “each must live as he sees fit”.
When I recently went out for dinner with Sabrina, I ran into Janka by accident and I told her at the outing that she’d already seen me. She wasn't aware of this, as I had suspected. She was deeply impressed "how complete the transformation was!"
Since that went so well, I went to see Herbert Stettner on the other side of my house afterwards. His wife Heidi was on the island of Mallorca and so I could only open up to him. I disturbed Herbert at dinner but he took the time and I gave him the letter to read and showed the pictures. He was very interested and asked a lot. I also suspect that he will come over again in the coming days and ask more questions, which I support. He’ll also tell Liselotte about it and since I consider her the most open of all, I think that she will definitely come and ask.
So now I have a situation in which I can act almost freely at home. My direct neighbors will no longer be surprised if a strange woman drives my car or has a key for my front door. This is really liberating and makes me very happy for the moment!
22/05/07: Freedom and another outing
I spent the night from Friday to today at Hedda's. However, Hedda was busy with one of her honorary posts all Saturday, so I went home after breakfast. We’d talked for a long time the night before and I was still tired, so after I got home I slept for two hours. But then I thought about using my new freedom. It was nice outside and I had some errands to run anyway so I put together a simple outfit, a pair of blue jeans and a blouse with a rather low neckline. Then I put on my make-up, including my neckline because of my golf tan, and did my hair.
While I was doing my make-up I saw Steffan working in his garden, but being seen doesn't bother me anymore, so I grabbed my big purse and left the house. Steffan was just taking a break when I approached him, he was standing on the street. We then spoke briefly and I didn't notice any particular irritation on his part. He said he and Janka had of course talked about me, and one question that arose was whether I would have a different name then. I answered that and added that "Thomas" would be quite inappropriate in my current state and the question was therefore appropriate. Since he wanted to continue working, I left him and went to a nearby farm to buy eggs. This is about a 4 km hike and I enjoyed it very much. In contrast to my hike on Amrum, I was dressed appropriately for the weather and the fresh spring air felt great on my neckline.
When I came back, Steffan had finished his work and I didn't see him again. I put the eggs in the fridge and then packed an empty milk bottle. Then I rode my bike to another farm, about an 11 km bike ride. Oh, and before that I changed my shoes. On the hike I wore the shoes that I’d also used for hiking on Amrum, for the bike tour I slipped into light ballerinas. The temperature was right for it. After about half an hour I was back home.
A little later it occurred to me that I’d still need ginger for tea on Monday and decided to go to the nearest supermarket. I also bought a couple of other things while I was there. I walked to the supermarket and when I came back, Becky, Jenna's daughter, was driving into the yard with her boyfriend. Jenna had looked after Becky's dog Chester throughout the day. In the past, such a situation would’ve completely overwhelmed me, but not anymore: I simply approached them both, said "Hello" and was then quite surprised that I didn't even have to introduce myself. Becky recognized me. I unlocked the front door, let them both in and told Becky that her mother would explain the rest to her. She countered: "She doesn't need to, I already know pretty well what’s going on." Overall, it was all incredibly nice, I felt very, very comfortable, a total liberation!
Later in the evening I talked to Maddie and Birgit for an hour. Maddie will also come to the next party in Wahlstedt and I'm very happy about that! Unfortunately, Birgit can't come, or at most later, because she works the late shift at the Edeka “Frauen”(translates as “Edeka Women”, lol! ), a supermarket in Itzehoe.
22/05/08: Mother's Day...
Today’s Mother's Day and Wiebke has to stay in the closet, at least until the Mother's Day celebrations are over. But I called Jenna upstairs in the morning to see how she was. She had covid and along with her lupus it really knocked her out. She said she’d been dead for three days, but now was slowly coming back.
We also talked about Becky. Of course, the three of them (including Becky’s boyfriend) had spoken about me afterwards. Becky is completely cool with the situation, she expressed a lot of understanding, literally she said to her mother "good that it comes out now, it must’ve been like prison!". As usual, her boyfriend said nothing. I sent Becky a message and offered to talk. She replied that she didn't need that and just wanted to know if "Thomas" was my deadname now or how I wanted to be addressed. She actually used the word "deadname" which makes me think that she already knows quite a bit about transgenderism.
Around lunchtime, while I was having dinner with my mom, Ralph called, he was having trouble sending emails out, and I promised to help him. I did that shortly after 4:00 p.m. and it was quite easy, it hardly took five minutes. Then the three of us, including Sabrina, sat together and we also had a barbecue. In a brief moment when Ralph wasn't present, Sabrina gave me pads that you can put on your toes when you're wearing pumps. They’re designed to make wearing them more comfortable. And they work, I tried them out in the evening. Unfortunately, they are also visible. Sabrina says you can only pull them so that doesn't happen, but then they're no longer comfortable for me.
22/05/09: A day in home office
Wiebke spent the day in the home office, initially with simple jeans and a white blouse. Around noon, the newly ordered blouse with the batwing sleeves and the ripped jeans were delivered. Both fit very well and I immediately kept them on. I already love the sleeves, it's so playful. If you move, they make themselves noticed again and again, they’re suddenly slightly in the way, or if you wipe something, you have to be careful not to pull them through the wiping surface. Impractical? Naturally! But also very playful and feminine. The jeans may not be particularly age- appropriate, but I just allow myself that. I'm in puberty, ain’t I?. Now I also need black fishnet tights or better yet, short fishnet leggings, because they shouldn't go over my feet as that doesn't go with the beige pumps that I want to wear with them.
