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- Herausgeber: tredition
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Sprache: Englisch
In the summer of 2018 my girlfriend asked me out of the blue if I’d ever considered being transformed into a woman for an afternoon. She suggested that it might be interesting. I pushed around quite a bit, and to be honest, the thought may have crossed my mind for a split second, but I dismissed it because I was absolutely certain the result wouldn't be good. Then Christmas 2018 came and her gift was just that: a makeover. She’d spoken to the manager of a service and made all the preparations. No chance for me to back out! The styling took place on Valentine's Day 2019 and Wiebke was born. Shortly after, I began to develop a feminine personality and began conquering this world as a woman. Now, about five years later, I have completed my social transition and live as a woman. My friend still supports me, even though we are no longer a couple. We are still each other's favorite people. Since the seventh volume, my diaries were no longer called “Becoming Wiebke” but “Being Wiebke” to reflect the change and now I simply call them “Wiebke's Diary”. This is the ninth installment, describing my activities and feelings between April and July 2023 and, as always, I recommend reading the earlier parts first.
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Seitenzahl: 146
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2026
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Inhaltsverzeichnis
Dedication
Prologue
Disclaimer/ Privacy protection
23/01/04: On the phone with Martin and Ella
23/02/04: My mother's 80th birthday
23/03/04: Carina Holmecke visits
23/04/04: Therapy appointment
23/05/04: Excursion to Westerland
23/06/04: Nonsensical plans
23/07/04: Roni visits
23/08/04 - 23/10/04: Easter at Hedda's
23/11/04: Video call with Silvana and Luna
23/12/04: Day trip to Eckernförde
23/13/04: The disability insurance pays
23/14/04: Barbecue in the garden
23/15/04: Surprise with Disability Insurance
23/16/04: Flying visit to Hedda
23/17/04: Another sick leave
23/18/04: No speech therapy, instead a court visit and new cancer shot
23/19/04: Excursion to Bonn
23/20/04: First speech therapy session, two meetings
23/21/04: A very calm day
23/22/04: Breakfast coffee escalates…
23/23/04: Rest!
23/23/04: The diary in German draws attention
23/25/04: Exhausting, pretty, pretty exhausting!
23/26/04: Excursion to Travemünde
23/27/04: Speech therapy and exhilaration
23/28/04: Drawing strength...
23/29/04: Open museum night, I have a top 10 hit
23/30/04: Dancing in Kiel
23/01/05: Going back home
23/02/05: Speech therapy and mobility
23/03/05: Cologne just briefly
23/04/05: Speech therapy, nothing else
23/05/05: Visiting my mother, going to see Hedda
23/06/05: At home
23/07/05: Home again
23/08/05: Excursion to Koblenz
23/09/05: Speech & psych therapy
23/10/05: Unexpected
23/11/05: Speech therapy, meeting with Lisa and zoom call with Martin
23/12/05: Short trip to Oldenzaal
23/13/05 - 23/15/05: No Wiebke
23/16/05: Speech therapy
23/17/05: Three and a half hours on the phone
23/18/05: A day in bed
23/19/05: Errands with Lenny and 60th birthday
23/20/05: Bed and town festival
23/21/05: Only in bed again
23/22/05: Excursion to Dagebüll
23/23/05: No home care for Lenny
23/24/05: Speech therapy with Mrs. Hartmann
23/25/05: No Wiebke
23/26/05: Graduation done!
23/27/05: Dinner invitation and Mutti's beer hall
23/28/05: Nothing!
23/29/05: Visit to Sabrina and Ralph, “debriefing” on the party
23/30/05: Dinner with Mark and Annika
23/31/05: Speech therapy, Rolf visiting
23/01/06: Unexpected findings
23/02/06: Porsche European Golf Open and Hamburg
23/05/06: Trip to Wismar
23/07/06 - 23/10/06: Vienna and Semmering
23/13/06: Another spa treatment
23/15/06: Conversation with the health service
23/19/06: Blood results, next shot
23/21/06: Hedda's mother moves, Lenny is challenged
23/23/06: A nice compliment
23/26/06: Change of spa doctor
23/27/06: The story of E
23/29/06: Lenny at the pediatric center Osnabrück
23/01/07: Introspection
23/02/07: Planning for Hamburg
23/03/07: Rounding up the spa stay
23/04/07: Spa stay’s over
23/05/07: The doctors' tour starts again
23/06/07: Outing to my mother
23/07/07: Unforeseen powers
23/08/07: Sabrina and Ralph visit
23/09/07: Effects of HRT
23/10/07: Another trip
23/11/07: 9- hole round
23/12/07: Office day/ hair care
23/13/07: Estrogen considerations/ almost meeting Anja
23/15/07 - 23/22/07: One week of Langeoog
23/23/07: A Sunday walk
23/26/07: Body donation/ one month with E
23/27/07: Body donation, second take/ Dancing
23/28/07: BBQ in Brenken
23/29/07: A memorable day
23/31/07: The Power of E
Alphabetical list of characters
About the author
Imprint
Wiebke’s Diary IX
Part IX of the diary of a trans woman, the third “I finally am myself”- part (April to July 2023)
Dedication
As always a special thank you goes to Rhonda Scharf for proofreading this book and helping me with phrasing!
Prologue
In the summer of 2018 my girlfriend asked me out of the blue if I’d ever considered being transformed into a woman for an afternoon. She suggested that it might be interesting. I pushed around quite a bit, and to be honest, the thought may have crossed my mind for a split second, but I dismissed it because I was absolutely certain the result wouldn't be good. Then Christmas 2018 came and her gift was just that: a makeover. She’d spoken to the manager of a service and made all the preparations. No chance for me to back out! The styling took place on Valentine's Day 2019 and Wiebke was born. Shortly after, I began to develop a feminine personality and began conquering this world as a woman. Now, about five years later, I have completed my social transition and live as a woman. My friend still supports me, even though we are no longer a couple. We are still each other's favorite people.
Since the seventh volume, my diaries were no longer called “Becoming Wiebke” but “Being Wiebke” to reflect the change and now I simply call them “Wiebke's Diary”. This is the ninth installment, describing my activities and feelings between April and July 2023 and, as always, I recommend reading the earlier parts first.
Disclaimer/ Privacy protection
You are not reading a fictional story, all of this has happened and unrolls further as you read. Faces of people other than me are distorted for their protection. For the same reason, names and locations have been altered, unless they have given me their consent.
Please note that none of the pictures you will see here are in any way retouched or processed, except to make others unrecognizable.
23/01/04: On the phone with Martin and Ella
Today I spoke to Martin about his plans to move, he no longer feels comfortable in his apartment with his landlord. From my point of view, he wants to rush things unnecessarily when he should actually give the whole thing some thorough thought. One should never give unsolicited advice, and I've chosen a trick to do it anyway. He came up with several alternatives and I suggested he compare these alternatives in a scoring model, just to baffle him. I hoped that this way he wouldn't take any knee- jerk actions. Turns out someone else had already suggested that.
I also had a long conversation with Ella about the outing to Lars and Hedda, which Hans and her had done with my knowledge and consent. Our long conversation can be summarized briefly: Hedda is enthusiastic, Lars is ashamed of his prior actions. It wasn't long before Hedda sent me a Facebook friend request, Lars didn't.
I talked extensively to Angelika Steffen about her ex-boyfriend, whom she will be meeting again soon. I'm glad I was able to give her some food for thought. I’m even more pleased about her trust!
I continued to work on volume 8 of the English language version of my diary for the rest of the day.
In the evening I found and subscribed to a Portuguese language podcast, but it didn't work. I really don't understand anything, it's European Portuguese instead of Brazilian Portuguese and it sounds completely different.
23/02/04: My mother's 80th birthday
Early in the morning I received a message from Martin, he wanted my assessment of whether he was overreacting. Yes he was! I wrote that here yesterday. Apparently others have commented along these lines as well. He now wanted to get lithium. Again, I was very surprised. I know lithium is a drug for bipolar patients, but I’ve never known Martin as bipolar.
My mother celebrated her 80th birthday today. It was big and in a restaurant on Hücker Moor. Of course I didn't splash out but dressed up for her, at least in her eyes, that is, with a suit, shirt and tie. But I felt totally disguised, I didn't feel good about it at all! I got through the day somehow. Hedda also came to the celebration and stayed until the next day. Lenny was at the party, but after we got home he disappeared to his girlfriend’s place and didn't come back that day.
23/03/04: Carina Holmecke visits
In the morning I had an appointment at the youth welfare office, without Lenny, but Hedda accompanied me and I’m very grateful to her for that. There’s actually nothing more that the youth welfare office can do for Lenny. Hedda wants to talk to one of her neighbors, because he’s very socially involved, but nobody else has any other ideas.
Back home, Hedda went to work and I took a nap until 3:30 in the afternoon. Then I got ready because Carina came to visit at 6 p.m. We cooked cod on a bed of vegetables. She was and is quite angry with me because of the evening with Carsten and Marina, where I wasn't very communicative and rather a heap of misery. I cried again, but that didn't make her stop. I felt pretty crappy.
Incidentally, I found out that evening that Faye Kittmer, my speech therapist, is her niece, the world’s really small. The food tasted good, but after less than three hours Carina left me and I was actually happy about that.
I had to somehow change my mood so I wouldn't have to go to bed like that. That’s why I rang the bell upstairs, we hadn't toasted the move in yet. Miriam, Fayed and another girl were there, but not my tenant. Nonetheless, we emptied a bottle of Ramazotti that I brought with me. After that I could sleep.
23/04/04: Therapy appointment
I finished editing "Being Wiebke II" in German by noon and then went back to sleep.
At 4 p.m. I had an appointment with Dr. Krecké, he too became very assertive and tried to get me out of my depression, but he also praised and admired my courage to go dancing.
In the evening I made an arranged video call with Dagmar. I've noticed that she rarely gets in touch anymore, far too little considering that her "almost best friend" statement was only a year ago. Dagmar has now found a compatible therapist and considers herself more non- binary than trans. For her, the desire to wear female clothing outweighs the desire to see herself as female.
23/05/04: Excursion to Westerland
I've decided to travel again: There’s a through train from Osnabrück that takes me to Westerland. I took this train this morning and just had to sit tight and get off in Westerland, walk in the direction of travel until I arrived at the beach and have a good time. After three hours in Westerland, which I spent mostly looking at the sea, and a little hike, well, more of a stroll really, I got on the train back to Osnabrück, which was also a continuous connection. From Husum onwards I know the route quite well, and although I still like to look out the window I also do other things. That's why I communicated a lot with Natasha, Luna, the andrologist, Mark and two insurance agencies. I also completed Portuguese lessons.
The exchange with Natasha was most important:
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Hello Natasha,
On Monday I had a really difficult day and, unexpectedly, a difficult evening as well. In comparison, yesterday, when I had to dress up as a man for my mother's 80th birthday, was a piece of cake.
On Monday evening I had an ex- girlfriend visit me. 30, no, more than 30 years ago we were a couple. For reasons that I don't really want to explain here, she strongly gave me a piece of her mind about how I should finally stand by me, although I thought I'd do it already...
On the five occasions when I’ve met up with people in the past few weeks I’ve cried uncontrollably… Anyway, my make-up is definitely waterproof, I know that now...
Why am I writing to you and what is it about... You told me about the "small GRS solution" in Zandvoort. I noticed that, but only really researched it today.
The third drug for testosterone suppression that I’ve tried has now led to success. It’s a drug that is not often used these days, at least not usually, because it has horrendous side effects. I suffer from it, severely now, and among other things have a full- blown depression.
I realized something out of the blue yesterday morning and I'm not quite sure yet if my conclusions are correct. I'm on this old drug to stop testosterone production. But there’s another option for that, namely an orchiectomy. Then the production is permanently massively driven down (>90%), only (I think) the adrenal cortices still produce. With that in mind, several questions arise and perhaps you can help clarify one or the other.
1. Is my conclusion even correct? No testicles, so less testo, so I don't need the drug anymore? Or a lighter one?
If that's not true, I can stop thinking. If it's true, though:
2. There’s a "minimally invasive" solution for such a surgery. But if I do that, will I still have enough material in the long term to maybe do a GRS after all, which, as you know, I don't want to have at the moment?
3. And if there is no minimally invasive solution, then I would have to do the GRS even though I'm not mentally ready for it, or am I missing anything?
4. Then there’s the question of whether I can take estrogen at all. My tumor tissue is testo- sensitive. The endocrinologist said it could also be estro- sensitive and I sent her the histology report. But she doesn't call back.
Maybe you have an idea for one or the other question or other questions that I haven't considered yet. I’d like to hear what you have to say.
Unfortunately I'm completely self- centered in this message.
How are you???
Best regards!
+-+-+-+-+-+-+
I think I have to step on the endocrinologist's toes!
23/06/04: Nonsensical plans
The longer Monday evening with Carina is behind me, the more difficult I find it to cope with it. I wrote to her today expressing exactly that. I'm currently considering whether I even want to make the appointment with her and the Sillmers on April 18th.
Silvana had asked if we could meet up sometime and I texted her back that I needed time to even get in touch, that was in March. Today I almost only lay in bed anyway, so I found the time and strength to write to her.
Maybe I complicated things too much again, at the same time I also wrote to Karin and Luna. I'll start with Karin: I would like to spend two nights in the studio in the week after Easter and from there visit Luna and meet Silvana. I asked Karin if I could have the room in the studio. I wrote that to Silvana and Luna as well.
Karin got back to me later and said ‘yes’ in principle, but also asked me to make sure that I wasn't too present in the studio on the Tuesday after Easter, because she had clients who wanted privacy. Consequently I canceled everything, because I have to sleep during the day from time to time, hence I need to be able to always come back. I canceled Silvana and Luna again and suggested a video call.
Later in the day it turned out that I had misinterpreted Karin. Nevertheless, difficulties would have arisen, e.g. where should I have put on make- up after sleeping? Anyway, during the day I had the impression that I wasn't strong enough for this. Both Luna and Silvana reported back that they’d like to schedule a video call instead.
Towards the evening I agreed on meeting my former au pair Roni, she’d come to see me at 2 p.m. the next day while she was visiting her aunt in Bielefeld on the weekend. I know her aunt and she wanted to come along, but I refused since I had the feeling it would overwhelm me. She wasn't mad at me for that.
23/07/04: Roni visits
Throughout the morning I argued with myself whether I really wanted this visit. In the end I was able to pull myself together and finally got ready for it around 11 o'clock. As announced, Roni came at 2 p.m. and brought a flower and chocolates as gifts, which I found nice. She’d read all my diary volumes in advance, so I didn't have to explain much to her. She wasn’t wary of me at all! We discussed the latest developments over coffee, then I suggested a walk because I hadn't been outside for a day and a half.
During the walk it occurred to me that we could visit Sabrina and Ralph together. They were at home too, so we had more coffee there. It was very nice to be able to do everything so freely and informally because everyone already knows and accepts me in my new role. Roni used the wrong pronoun only once.
When we got back home, I asked my tenant's daughter to take a picture of us in the garden. Roni left after three hours, I took off my make- up and went back to bed.
23/08/04 - 23/10/04: Easter at Hedda's
Hedda and I sat together in her kitchen for a long time on Saturday evening and I cried a lot again. We’ve decided that I’ll come out to my mother, my brother and my sister-in-law with her assistance. Only at what point in time, that was another question. And then everything turned out very differently...
Sunday evening we went to the Easter bonfire in Hedda’s village with her mother, but her mother didn't enjoy it at all and that's why Hedda and I didn't enjoy it either. We went back home after maybe 20 minutes.
I then did Portuguese lessons in Hedda's study and Hedda did some chores while her mother was busy with herself. Suddenly there was screaming, only briefly, then it was quiet again, suspiciously quiet. Whatever the reason, Hedda's mother fell down the stairs into the basement and ended up in hospital. For a while I actually thought she was dead. She had multiple broken ribs and a fractured sternum. I'll summarize it here: This was her last day at home. She was first in IC for about two weeks and then in a normal ward for another four weeks before she went into assisted living. She can no longer be at home because her dementia worsened massively as a result of the fall and her hospitalization and now she definitely has to be monitored 24 hours a day.
