Beyond any Limits E-Book

Gerd Joe Fes

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 464

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

The novel is set in the period marked by the youth protest of the late 60s, more precisely in the hippie and drug movement, which was part of this also international youth revolt. The main character of the story is named Tobias. He joins this youth protest and gets involved in the drug and hippie movement around 1970, moves into a rural commune, gains experience in "free love," consumes and deals psychoactive drugs, especially hashish, sometimes also LSD. Tobias meets the attractive Nina. She injects herself with heroin. Tobias enters into a liaison with her, and the two decide to take a trip together to Afghanistan, India, Nepal, and Goa. Nina manages to stop injecting heroin before they leave. Overland, with stops in Istanbul, southern Turkey, and Afghanistan, among other places, the two arrive in India. There, after a short stay in Amritsar, the couple is first drawn to Kashmir, where they make the acquaintance of a few Indian begging monks called sadhus. At their invitation, they accompany them to a remote and paradisiacal Himalayan valley. There they witness the passing and burial of a wise Hindu guru. They then travel on via Delhi, the Taj Mahal, and Varanasi to Kathmandu in Nepal. On the way, Tobias becomes seriously ill with a fever, but recovers. After their stay in Nepal, the journey takes them via Surat and Bombay to Goa. They stay in the hippie commune there for a few months until Nina becomes pregnant and they both decide to return to Europe. Again via Delhi and Amritsar, they reach Peshawar and then Kabul. A side trip to Bamiyan and the lakes of Band-e-Amir is made. They take some dope with them and smuggle it across the Afghan-Persian and subsequent borders. Once back in Europe, a stop is made first in Istanbul and then in Dubrovnik. In Dubrovnik, they meet a traveling street juggler originally of Czech descent. Nina suffers a miscarriage. She and Tobias return to Germany via Italy. In Germany, they learn that their old house-sharing community no longer exists and that many of their former companions have left the movement which as a whole is showing signs of disintegration. The paths of Nina and Tobias then separate, at first tentatively, and they look around for a new way to live.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Between Madness and Reality

Chapter 2: Homeward Bound

Chapter 3: Summer, LSD and Crazy Pictures

Chapter 4: Tobias Meets Nina

Chapter 5: Journey out to India

Chapter 6: Arrived in India

Chapter 7: In an Outlying Valley

Chapter 8: The Journey Continues

Chapter 9: On the Way Back

Chapter 10: Returned

Chapter 1: Between Madness and Reality

"We're all on the run," an admired dope wholesaler hastily whispered to Tobias just a few days ago. Now Tobias has to remember it again. His brain is working nonstop, pushing him forth. "Escape," it yells inside his head, "Escape! But where to?"

At midnight, Tobias rushes aimlessly through the deserted streets of this city, obsessed with demonic paranoia and shooed by imaginary hallucinations. Cold sweat trickles from his pores. The fear of big brother, the overpowering state authority that supposedly sees everything and punishes what is forbidden, is breathing down Tobias' neck. He has the feeling that the police are already on his heels.

It was less than half an hour ago that he stood as a passive observer on a corner inside this crowded venue for beat music, letting himself be blasted by the rhythms of hard rock music blaring from powerful loudspeakers. Rock music like that of Jimi Hendrix, who roars his "... and see her gypsy...y ey..yes..." towards the listeners in an ecstatic voice, accompanied by shrill guitar sounds.

Tobias has come to this city only for the present day, where he spent part of his childhood and youth. He then moved away from here, as did his parents soon after, and no other close relatives of his are still living in this area. Although Tobias has now lived elsewhere for a number of years, he still knows some people from the local Drug Scene, which has also emerged in this town in the wake of the youth protest in the Western world in the mid-to-late 1960s, which were not long ago at the time. The drug movement that accompanies the rebellion of much of the younger generation is still largely fresh in those days, and at least the occasional experimentation with illegal drugs is also relatively widespread in Western societies and quite in keeping with the spirit of the times.

Tobias is now reappearing in this town in order to earn his first spurs in dealing drugs and to establish connections for maybe such ensuing businesses. Although he knows that trafficking in illegal drugs is forbidden by the state and is punishable by imprisonment, for him passing on intoxicants that are intended to expand consciousness, for a reasonable fee and risk, is not an immoral crime, but according to his conviction necessary to keep alive the movement to which he belongs. So Tobias got on the train this morning and made the approximately one hundred kilometer journey from his current place of residence to this town, where he is now standing in this Rock Music Disco with one hundred LSD trips ready to be sold in his coat pocket, neatly wrapped piece by piece in silver paper. And his eyes keep steadily watching which face of the local Scene might be a fit for a potential buyer of his hot stuff.

The piece, if sold in larger quantities, is said to cost 4 German Marks. At a buying price of 2.5 German Marks per Trip, that would be a good profit for Tobias in his opinion. If he were able to sell a large part of the Trips at that price, that would bring him in more than the journey to travel here costs and would still be a good price for the buyer. While Tobias is thinking and taking stock in advance in his head, he suddenly sees a pale-skinned guy with long, blond hair and tight drainpipe jeans strutting past him a few meters away.

"Man, that's Tall Hugo," Tobias thinks. I know him, he's always been a dealer. I'll accost him right away. Certainly, he'll be interested in buying at least some of the LSD. How thought, so done. In a short dialogue, Tobias and Hugo quickly come to an agreement. Hugo is willing to buy Trips on the spot for a hundred Marks and later, if he is satisfied with the goods, even more.

"It's a deal," Tobias agrees. "Then you'll get the Trips from me for the same price as if you had bought a hundred of them, plus one for free, so to speak, for trying out." Generosity, Tobias thinks, pays off in the long run among business people, whereupon he turns back to Hugo, "You think you're also interested in hash?" ... "In a few days?" ... "Middle of next week?" ... "Of course, everything can be done! Do you have a phone, Hugo?" "No, but you can reach me on the phone here in this joint almost every evening between seven and nine o'clock. Just ask for Tall Hugo, that'll be alright." "O.K., I'll do it. But it's best if we go outside now, I'll give you the Trips there and you'll give me the money. That would be for a hundred Marks, let me do the math, that’s twenty Trips!"

But two days later, when Tobias recalls the occurrence again, he realizes that Hugo should have actually gotten twenty-five pieces for a hundred Marks at the agreed price of 4 Marks per Trip. Tobias, when he tells some others about it, remarks, "Then Tall Hugo should have been more careful. After all, I too can sometimes miscalculate. And besides, it was even that way still a good price for him."

When Tobias and Hugo are then standing outside the door of this kinda disco, they can in fact talk undisturbed by the loud rock music to each other but are quickly surrounded by a crowd of curious folks from the local Drug Scene. Suddenly Hugo asks, "Do you, dude, actually have a chillum with you? Then we could first smoke a good piece of Afghan together." However, Tobias does not feel comfortable with the suggestion to smoke hashish now, because he cannot foresee what effect this will have on him in view of the upcoming transaction of the deal with the LSD trips. Consuming hash namely increases sensitivity. Fear and anxiety are also increased, which is an incalculable risk for Tobias at the moment. Surely Hugo would also like to put Tobias' steadfastness to a test with his suggestion. Backing down doesn't come into question under these circumstances.

Tobias consequentially replies, "If you think it's cool enough here for that, I'd be pleased to smoke one first. But at the moment I can't serve with a chillum." However, that doesn't turn out to be a major obstacle. The mentioned Indian smoking device, which is used specifically for smoking hashish, is easily rustled up from somewhere. Hugo quickly stuffs a mixture of tobacco and his finely crumbled piece of Black Afghan into it. The chillum is lit up and then passed around in a circle. It turns on really powerfully. Tobias feels stoned right away. Just don't lose control now, he tells himself.

In hashish intoxication, the mind seems to free itself from the body, which is then quasi-felt as if it were under a load of heavy stones - hence the word stoned - so that the external events now seem somehow spaced out. The consciousness perceives the environment from a different perspective as if a sometimes amplifying, sometimes distorting filter has been pushed between the external sensory impressions and their mental processing. Under these circumstances, Tobias manages only with a great endeavor to keep the situation under control and to bring the illegal business with the LSD trips through like an experienced, hard-nosed dealer.

In a loud voice, he counts off the twenty Trips. "So when do you think you will call me next week?" Hugo asks impatiently therebetween. Tobias tries not to be upset and responds as calmly as possible, "We'll talk about that later. But can't you just be quiet for a moment? Now I have to start counting all over again!" "One, two, three..." Tobias actually begins to count again when suddenly one of the bystanders calls out, "Police, police, throw the Trips away quickly!" But even then, Tobias manages to keep his nerves under control. With feigned composure, he looks around in the direction of the caller and to the other side and is relieved to see that only one of the bystanders, probably to make Tobias lose his temper, has played a bad joke on him. Maybe this guy has thought he could really get Tobias to throw away the Trips so that they would be brought to the people for free. Finally, however, Tobias manages to finish counting the LSD trips.

"So here are the Trips. Can you now give me the hundred as agreed?" And as he says this and hands the Trips to Hugo, a barely audible tremulous undertone resonates in Tobias' voice due to the shock that has just gotten into him. "Yes, of course, here," says the person addressed and hands Tobias the required banknote. Everything would have gone well with that, Tobias thinks and wants to say goodbye. "Well, I'll call you then next week," he says when he suddenly remembers, "Gosh! Hugo, now I almost forgot to give you the promised free Trip."

But Tobias would have been better done to keep quiet about it and not intervene in the action that has actually already taken place, just only to stick exactly to the prior agreements. This penchant for perfectionism is now his undoing. Honesty often just doesn't pay off in life.

Now Tobias first has to dig out the packaging with the LSD trips that was already deposited in his coat pocket, and then he does not take the time to open this packaging, which is made of silver paper, carefully enough, but instead quickly tears it open at a corner to pull one of the tablet-shaped Trips out, which he then hands over to Hugo.

Having become more and more impatient and nervous while doing so, Tobias now only wants to get away from this setting, whose atmosphere he no longer trusts, although in his haste he fatally fails to get the handy packaging with the LSD trips properly sealed again quickly. That doesn't matter, he thinks to himself, and puts the packaging back in his coat pocket, as leaky as it is, where it gradually begins to disperse into all of its individual parts, while Tobias' only thought is to get away from here unscathed.

Tobias can hardly control the vibration of his nerves now. He gets, as they say within the Scene, the horror. His pulse begins to race, and an unbridled urge for speed takes possession of him. For Tobias, the following actions and thoughts are no longer subjected to his mind comparable to a bolting horse, that eludes its rider's reins.

Already halfway to walking and only for the sake of politeness, Tobias calls out to Hugo, "Bye, see you next week then." "Yes, bye," comes the reply, "But don't you want to come in for a moment?" However, Tobias declines with thanks, "No time, I have to go!"

On the path of the outlaw, that is the one for whom the written laws are no longer absolutely valid, Tobias is still quite inexperienced. He gets a guilty conscience because of the committed drug business and now feels like a lawbreaker.

And just as it is the most obvious thing for every outlaw after a criminal act to move away from the scene of the crime as quickly and as far as possible, so also do Tobias' thoughts revolve solely around escape. Away, just away from here.

As he does so, he panics and falls into the silly mindset of a little kid running away: If I'm right over there on the corner of this house and the tempted forces haven't caught me yet, then I'm sure I'll be safe. However, if Tobias has reached this corner of the house with long strides in the darkness of the night that has fallen, the next corner of a house is declared the target in a similar way, then the one behind next, and so on. Just don't stand still is the motto, to give no fixed target for the chasers! Sometimes in zigzags, sometimes in circles, it goes senselessly and aimlessly forward, actually completely unreal and nightmarish.

Tobias compulsively puts his right hand into his coat pocket, where the Trips are buried, to get tangible information about the extent to which the packaging still holds the forbidden stuff together and thus still gives him the opportunity to let the hot stuff disappear quickly, for example, in a bush or curb drain in case of a possible police check. Who knows for sure whether, for example, one of those who stood around Hugo and Tobias gaping when the drugs were handed over wasn't an informer who has already contacted the local police and passed on a personal description of Tobias.

But when the ominous content of Tobias' pocket slowly and finally dissolves into its individual parts, Tobias' well-thought-out plan of action, which was carefully made up by taking into account various possible sequences of actions, unfortunately also gets muddled. The convinced perpetrator has lost his concept and is beginning to falter. And it will hardly happen that Tobias will regain his inner calm before the intoxicating effect of the hashish has eased. He doesn't yet know how to counteract such paranoia effectively, for example by surrendering to a feeling of deep apathy against which various chains of events lose their different importance, making it irrelevant whether the consequences of that are supposedly good or bad. If you convince yourself that the outcome of an event is unimportant, inner peace usually returns soon.

But instead of thinking this way, Tobias becomes deeply absorbed in his misfortune. With the insane restlessness of an obsessed person who is alone in his isolation with himself and his delusions, Tobias moves along dark house fronts and, at this late hour, soon more or less deserted alleys and streets. Car traffic is also gradually becoming increasingly scarce.

All of a sudden, these few cars make Tobias cringe. As if spellbound, he stares at a white and green passenger car that is slowly turning a street corner and is approaching Tobias in a ghostly and menacing manner. The word POLIZEI is emblazoned on the sides of the car in large, clearly legible letters. The glare of this car's headlights snatches Tobias from the protective darkness of night and illuminates his trembling figure. Just staying calm and just going step by step further, he forces himself to think with a last effort of will. Just don't make a fuss now, keep your head forward and pretend that nothing is wrong. It's really strange how people in the greatest danger often instinctively react correctly, similar to a dream walker.

It seems to Tobias at first that the police car is slowing down more and more, almost stopping when it finally rolls past him, and Tobias is released into the darkness again. Tobias breathes a sigh of relief. This imminent danger has been averted for the time being.

However, corresponding to Tobias' estimation, hardly more than a quarter of an hour has passed since this incident when another police car appears next to him, whereby Tobias does not even know whether it is the same car as before or a different one this time. Have I already made myself suspicious, it crosses his mind, and am I already being followed? Is my pursuers' net slowly but steadily tightening to catch me? That's how it actually seems for Tobias when he sees a police patrol repeatedly encounter him in the following, no matter, whether it's still reality or already madness.

In his fear and insecurity, Tobias is suddenly overcome by a great longing for someone he knows and who would understand his situation. At least he would love to hear that person's voice again. Maybe that could give him back support and the feeling of security in this world.

Tobias storms into the nearest call box. His brain works desperately, fear drives him on. Who can he call now? Who in his circle of friends even has a registered phone? Tobias thinks he would know someone for that. But he can't remember the related phone number, no matter how hard he thinks. So he calls the telephone information. A neutral female voice answers at the other end of the line.

"Oh Miss, could you please be so kind to give me Hubert Reimann's phone number?" Tobias also names the associated place and street. "Yes, one moment please!" The polite but noncommittal voice of the lady from the telephone information service sounds suspiciously strange to Tobias in this situation. He waits. But it seems more and more strange to him. And how long it all takes. Are preparations being already made on the other side for installing a trap and trace device for listening to his planned phone call in order to be able to investigate possible accomplices as well?

Tobias doesn't trust this anymore. He hangs up the phone and flees this treacherous place. He already feels surrounded and runs, if only to deceive his supposed pursuers, trembling with inner excitement and fear into the next pub, which despite the late hour is still quite well-frequented. The publicity of his situation thus created gives Tobias a feeling of protection. Beer pubs on the corner are places of human closeness and distance at the same time. Everyone accepts from the other one that this person does not reveal more about himself than he is comfortable with. This results in social contacts of non-binding commitment.

Over a glass of beer, Tobias waits for things to come. He gradually loses hope and expects to be arrested soon. He feels too tired and exhausted to fight it any longer. The superiority directed against him seems too major. Fate should decide. Tobias gets now really sleepy in the cozy warmth of this public house, the beer also has a calming effect, but no policeman comes in to pick Tobias up. Now that his thoughts are beginning to get organized again, Tobias remembers that he actually wanted to go to the local train station so that he could start his return journey without spending the night here. Tobias thinks that he'll only be finally saved from being seized here by the police once he's left this town. Hopefully, it's not too late to leave that night. Then where otherwise could he stay?

Without thinking any further, Tobias hurries to pay for his beer and rushes to the local main station, which he can now reach quickly and without any problems. However, when Tobias crosses the seemingly endlessly large station hall with unintentionally echoing steps, the old paranoia suddenly catches up with him again. Aren't there implacable pairs of eyes lurking in secret, spying on Tobias? Let it go, he tries to convince himself, I'm just a normal passenger waiting for his connecting train. Just don't make a fuss and stay cool now, then everything will be fine. His excited gaze wanders around. At this hour of the night, the large station hall appears deserted except for himself. But where might the timetable hang? The most conspicuous focal point in the room is an orange-colored neon writing above the newspaper kiosk, where naked, mostly big-breasted women and vulgar muscleheads are shown behind glass windows on the covers of the magazines posted there. But confectionery and fruit are apparently also part of the kiosk range. On the large station clock, the watch hands point to exactly ten minutes to 1 o'clock.

Finally, Tobias sees the timetables for the arriving and departing trains hanging on the wall next to the lockers for hand luggage. When Tobias then studies these timetables, he is horrified to find that the last train that he could have taken from here that night to his current place of residence, to which he now wants to return, has a good hour ago left. What should he do now? He probably has no choice but to stay the night somewhere in this city.

As if he doesn't want to believe that and is still looking for another way out, he stands in front of the timetable, staring at it, for a while. Suddenly and unnoticed a long-haired guy is standing next to Tobias. Tobias is startled. However, when he takes a closer look at the stranger, Tobias realizes that he has dealings with one of those who besieged him and Hugo in front of this disco when Tobias was selling the LSD trips there. Obviously, this guy recognizes Tobias at the same moment too.

"What are you doing here?" he asks Tobias. "Probably the same as you," comes the reply, "looking for a train. Because I want to get out of this city as soon as possible." "Gosh, are you in a hurry!" the other says and continues his speech, "I just threw in one of your Trips, dude. Man, they're really good. I'm mightily whacked out. Now I'm just waiting for my girlfriend. Then I'll go to my place with her, and there we're gonna listen to some good music." While saying that, this freaky, otherwise not very intelligent-looking guy stares at the train timetable as self-forgotten as if a film were running on it. So or something like this it also might have seemed to him in his LSD intoxication.

Tobias quickly takes advantage of this freak's momentary absentmindedness to say goodbye to him. He hurries out of the station hall, where the darkness of the night quickly swallows him up. A cool drizzle has now set in. The effect of the smoked hashish fades away more and more in Tobias. His spiritual fog lifts.

Tobias now sees reasonably clearly again and with the help of sober rationality, he also manages to shake off his paranoia. He remembers that very close by, at most a few blocks away, a few people he knows from before would have to live together in a residential community. Tobias decides to seek out these people now and ask them for a place to stay for the night.

On the way to this address, Tobias hopes that these people actually still live there and also offer him accommodation for the night. Otherwise, he would probably have to spend the whole night outside here, even in the rain. It might not be easy to get a cheap hotel room at this late hour, and that could also seem suspicious to someone.

But Tobias is lucky. The people actually still live there, and after several rings, when Tobias already wants to turn away disappointed, the door is opened for him by a sleepy member of the flat-sharing community. "You?" he says, showing that he has obviously recognized Tobias, "Gee, what do you look like? You're all pale and totally soaked. Well, come on in first." No sooner had Tobias thanked him for letting him in than he asked, "Say, can I sleep somewhere in your community flat tonight?" "Of course," comes the answer without hesitation, and relieves Tobias of his current main worries in one fell swoop. "I'm sure we can find an empty mattress for you to sleep on, man, no problem!"

The certainty of having a dry, warm place to sleep makes Tobias feel comforting warmth. He can now feel safe for this night. Nothing should go wrong anymore. And shortly afterward, Tobias is already lying on the mattress assigned to him in one of the rooms of this flat-sharing community.

However, Tobis has to do without comforts like pillows and sheets. Instead of a pillow, he uses his rolled-up coat. At least he has a blanket to cover himself with. To keep himself even warmer, Tobias has kept the rest of his clothes on except for his shoes, coat, and wet jeans. But he's not about to complain. As barren as his bed is, compared to the horrific impressions of the last few hours and the already envisioned possibility of still wandering outside on a cool, rainy night or even being arrested by the police, Tobias feels at the moment like it could hardly be more comfortable. The silence of the room and the darkness that surrounds him act as a balm on his overstimulated nerves.

Tobias quickly sinks into a deep sleep, which is initially accompanied by beautiful, liberating dreams in which a world like that of Alice in Wonderland opens up, and which let Tobias amaze to experience how memories of distant, happy days rise up from the deepest layers of his subconscious and are spun in his dreams into new, bizarre stories. Stories in which everything seems possible and the usual boundaries of space and time are abolished.

So Tobias sees himself in the dream again as a child with his mother who is waving after him from the front door while he is setting off on new, playful adventures and is still holding the sandwich in his hand that his mother has given him as a precaution on his way. The weather in the dream is glorious, a bright blue summer day. The bright sun is shining in a cloudless sky, while the child Tobias walks out of town with a friend into the open, free field.

The two boys are romping further and further out into a world unknown to them over fragrant meadows shimmering with flowers and past earthy fields, and Tobias' mother's admonitions not to venture too far have long been forgotten. This is how they come to a silvery stream that winds through the grassland in front of them. The crystal-clear water invites the two boys to take a refreshing dip, and they happily accept the invitation. During their impetuous romping around, the children soon lost their already weak sense of time, and when dressed again they continue their adventurous journey of discovery on the opposite bank of the bubbling brook.

The surroundings are slowly becoming darker, at first hardly noticeable. Something vaguely threatening lies in the landscape. Even the otherwise harmless trees and bushes seem a bit spooky. The boys enter a dense, dark forest, into which they penetrate deeper and deeper, despite bad forebodings, as if to prove their courage. Danger lurks behind every tree.

As soon as they actually got lost in the undergrowth a little later, a bloodcurdling laugh suddenly breaks out. Full of fear, Tobias keeps an eye out for the origin of this horrid laughter and discovers the warty, disgusting face of an old, evil witch in the branches of a primeval, gnarled oak tree.

Tobias wants to scream, but can't get a single sound out frightened as he is. His throat is tight. In this gloomy forest anyway, no one else would hear his screams besides the two of them and the witch. But in order to at least draw the attention of his companion to the lurking danger, Tobias points his finger in the direction of his horrifying discovery. In this way at least the friend now cries out and so manages to scare Tobias' limb-paralyzing fright away.

The two comrades run away as fast as their thin little legs allow them. If one of them stumbles and falls, the other one helps him up again. The following applies to both: saved together or lost together. That gives them strength. Although the breath is at length exhausted and legs, face, and arms are chafed by stinging nettles and brush along the way, the two don't stop running. Only when the end of the forest is reached and the old witch's diabolical laughter is definitely gone, do the two boys dare to continue walking at their normal pace.

However, the sun has now set. Step by step, the two boys feel their way forward through the darkness. Then, to make matters worse, Tobias falls into a body of water. Sodden wet he has to continue on his way.

Luckily, a little later they suddenly, as if out of the blue, reached their hometown, because dreams are like that, and both are almost at home. Surely the parents will be waiting full of anger and impatience for the unpermitted delayed offspring. There will probably be scolding or maybe even a beating as punishment, but Tobias is no longer afraid of that after the horror he experienced. On the contrary, he is definitely happy to be back home. He says goodbye to his friend and continues the last part of the way to the house of his parents alone. It's quiet in town, the streets are deserted. Only here and there burning lights from bourgeois living rooms radiate comfort and security.

Then Tobias stands in front of his parents' house. The front door is unlocked. He goes into the entry area and rings the bell in front of the flat. But nobody opens him. He rings a second, a third time. Nothing is moving. Time goes by. Tobias feels infinitely tired. Why is no one opening? His eyes are almost closed as he stands there.

Then a creaking noise at the front door pulls him out of his leaden tiredness. The Wicked Witch unexpectedly enters the entry area. "Well, my boy," she croaks in a poisonous voice, "have I after all caught you?"

Tobias wants to shout out loud, "Mum, quickly, please come help me!" But again he can't. The desperate cry for help gets stuck in his dry throat. Escape no longer seems possible. The witch is already reaching for her victim with her thin, spidery fingers when Tobias, drenched in sweat, awakens from the dream such kind as if he wanted to save himself that way.

Chapter 2: Homeward Bound

The next day, Tobias is on his way back to his current place of residence. The train he's on rattles monotonously over the track, which is noticeably in need of repair on this outlying route. Tobias adapts to the slightly rocking movements of the wagon as best he can.

He feels very relaxed in the here and now. The horrors of the previous night are almost forgotten. Only occasionally does his mind return to yesterday's events. At the moment, Tobias finds it much nicer than struggling with the memories of the previous evening and night to look at the still very original forest and meadow landscape that slowly passes by the train window.

In the morning sunlight the alternating deciduous, coniferous, and mixed forests shimmer in a wide variety of shades of green, and on the lush pastures, Tobias sees cows chewing the cud and their large udders dangling as they walk, as well as powerful horses with shiny coats. In between, green overgrown, or brown and sometimes also fallow fields, isolated farmsteads, and small, quiet villages appear in the crossed landscape. There are only a few larger towns where the train stops at the station.

It is a rural, industrially underdeveloped area through which the train travels, an area where time seems to have stood still in some way. Most of the older women here still wear the same traditional costumes as their great-grandmothers did. Certainly, tradition is still deeply rooted in the thoughts and actions of this population, and their lives are still little penetrated by modern technology and that rampant rationality that declares the achievement of the economic optimum to be the goal. Instead, it is better to leave the course of things to an order that is seen as willed by God, more or less like the motto: if the grain stands well in the field and the cattle in the stable are healthy, the farmer as well ought to be happy.

These people are not yet under the pressure to succeed like the dynamic city dweller who rushes back and forth between the poles of increased income on the one hand and increased consumption on the other and meanwhile all too easily loses sight of the question of the deeper meaning of life. In order not to get into brooding, this city dweller driven by the need to succeed often invents the most ingenious methods of killing his free time outside of work in the most shallow way possible. Otherwise, he probably also wouldn't be able to endure for example these standardized suburbs or dehumanized factory halls around him all the time.

After all, it is not least this pressure to succeed in modern industrial society, which is perceived as pointless, that prompts Tobias and many others of his generation in the Western world of the time to break out of their parent's way of life and look for other ways of shaping their lives that are perceived as less dreary and conservative than the goals of the consumer bourgeoisie.

There is a massive refusal with regard to the established, bourgeois-authoritarian order, whereby this refusal, despite all the originality claimed for it, nevertheless remains, although mostly unconsciously, an expression of overriding social currents of this time.

Influenced by American hippie culture, many of the youth-moved dropouts are going back to the country in order to lead a simple, tranquil, and financially modest life there, for example without a television set and sumptuous, meat-based meals. They do not want to lose sight of the search for the actual meaning of life through a hectic pursuit of perishable goods, nor do they want to give up the warmth of interpersonal relationships and the pursuit of their own happiness, whereby all these aims seem for them to be impossible in a strictly standardized life and the competition for socially recognized success. Nor do they want to exercise the bourgeois drive displacement in order to achieve more far-reaching goals. First work and then pleasure, that saying no longer counts for them. They assume that life offers them enough fulfillment even without previous social advancement. Sex among like-minded people, for example, doesn't cost any money, and drugs don't cost much at first either if at it adventures and extraordinary experiences tempt you.

Drugs are fun and give the feeling of freedom, self-determination, and adventure. "Get free, get high" is the slogan. The twilight of the gods should be experienced while intoxicated and true insight into the deeper cohesion of life should be gained. "Depart and say goodbye!" Strive for that happiness, which is possible for you. There is a land where milk and honey flow and salvation from all earthly torments is promised - following this kind of hedonistic thinking.

But where and how can the fulfillment of these promises be found? That is the question. The harsh reality of life usually catches up with the seekers again, because one cannot easily deprive of the human form of existence at least on this side of the gate to the afterlife.

The dreamy followers of "Love and Peace" often have to accept setbacks due to the constant confrontation with the predominant way of life. Frustration quickly spreads among some of them, and then, for example, they turn to narcotic opiates or go on a search for macrobiotic mysticism or other esotericism, and the yearning strives for a better way of life than the conventional one degenerates into an escape from the prevailing reality.

At this moment, the locomotive in which Tobias is sitting starts to move again after a stop at a station, at first slowly and jumpily and then faster and faster. Tobias again directs his attention more to his immediate surroundings than to his inner thoughts. He looks around and sees a lovely-looking lady entering his compartment. She is exactly his type. She is quite tall and slender, yet with a distinctly feminine shape. Tobias' state of excitement gets a kick at this sight when the female person he is viewing minces on high heals past him. He gazes after her as she walks through the compartment and unfortunately leaves it again at the other end.

Tobias thinks: There is still more than an hour's ride ahead of him until he arrives at the station where he has to get off, and that means enough time to let his dreamy thoughts run free again without having to watch out for getting off the train in time.

He continues to rummage through his memories, trying to find the common thread of his life so far. His thoughts wander far back into his childhood, and even seemingly insignificant little things are brought out of oblivion again. He wonders what Heinz, his first real friend, is doing now? Perhaps he is already married and fully established, at least professionally.

Tobias also remembers his worries as a child again, these childish worries that are often so alien to adults and are usually only smiled at by them, although these worries actually would deserve to be taken as seriously by everyone as they are for the children. All in all, however, Tobias sees his childhood as predominantly beautiful and carefree.

Things only changed when Tobias was sent to secondary school by his parents. Then it was soon over with his light-heartedness. Punctually every workday morning at eight o'clock - because in the case of unexcused lateness there was an entry in the class register and that also came in on the next certificate - Tobias had to appear in this school for the following few years to the lessons. And to do so he always had to pass through a school gate, over which the famous and often quoted Latin saying carved in stone could have fitted, "Non scholae sed vitae discimus", which translates as, "We learn not for school, but for life." A saying that not only Tobias felt as pure mockery in view of everyday school life.

Fear is Tobias' constant companion at this school, which is strictly selective at the time, the fear of failing at school and of the hence resulting row with his parents. In this situation, Tobias often feels left alone and almost squeezed between parental and school violence.

As is usually the case, he is one of the last students to enter the classroom in the morning, where there is generally wild chaos before class begins. Some of the students are wrestling with each other, more out of fun than seriousness, and inevitably messing up desks and chairs in the process. Other students try to copy uncompleted homework from other classmates at the last minute until they are finally stopped doing this by the warning call from the student posted at the door, "He's coming." This call means that the teacher of the next lesson approaches.

In the blink of an eye, all notebooks and books are gone from the tables. The furniture which has fallen into disarray is at least somewhat put back in order. When the announced teacher finally enters the classroom, all the students stand up in accordance with the antiquated code of conduct of this type of school and they take a more or less upright posture demanded at the greeting of the teacher. The teacher's subsequent salutation, "Good morning, boys", since this is an all-boys class, as is customary at the time, they have to reply in unison with, "Good morning, Mr. Studienrat!" or an even higher leveled form of address. After this morning's greeting ceremony, the teacher usually asks the students to sit down.

Especially the first years at this strict school, which is still characterized by the authoritarian spirit of past decades back to the Prussian imperial era, are difficult for Tobias to bear. Pressure to perform, discipline, often even harassment, and above all the fear of failing at school are constant companions in his everyday school life. In addition, there is plenty of bullying within the class community itself and, for Tobias, massive arguments and pressure from his parents in the case of academic underachievement, which this school system inevitably brings with it. No wonder Tobias feels downright oppressed in this way - the seed for his later rebellion.

But even during this time, especially in the case of the long summer vacations, there are always also nice moments for him in between. For example, when the sun is high in the firmament early in the morning during the summer months, and he then jumps, after waking up, immediately out of his bed, which in this case, he finds almost annoying. In the whirl of an irrepressible lust for life, dream and reality then merge into a blissful unity.

Unfortunately, such carefree days fly by like dust in the wind. And then the burden of everyday school life feels twice as heavy. Tobias often feels lonely during his school days and misunderstood by those around him. But initially, there is no other option for him than to continue along the path prescribed for him, even though without inner conviction.

In the end, he isn't really interested in his academic success anymore. Just don't fail is his motto. With as little effort as possible, he tries to live up to the expectations placed on him, more or less passively and without contact with most of his often more ambitious classmates. Nevertheless, Tobias keeps in his memory every injustice and cruelty that happens to him at school. At some point the hour of revenge will certainly come, he thinks to himself.

Meanwhile, approaching sexual maturity announces itself in Tobias. New, previously undreamt-of possibilities and powers suddenly open up for him, but also dangers associated with that. In the course of this one has first to go through mental chaos before one knows how to deal with the awakened sexuality. Like a molting snake, Tobias changes his appearance and angrily shakes at the shackles of parental and scholastic authority. He realizes that he must manage his life by himself, and not his guardians and teachers can do it for him. No one can give him a panacea for his life. He has to find the right way to live properly himself, even though he shouldn't turn down the help of others.

So Tobias embarks on a search for nothing less than finding out for himself what life is all about. Where do I come from, where am I going? In doing so, Tobias leaves the path drawn out for him, towards the dawn of liberation, which glimmers on the horizon like the promise of earthly salvation.

The barriers must be torn down, the taboos removed, the bourgeois double standards radically destroyed. The rule of the establishment and the capitalist social order, in general, must be broken. At least, that's what the anti-authoritarian youth protests emerging at this time want, and Tobias soon joins them. At demonstrations and teach-ins of the extra-parliamentary opposition, people chant: "Che, Che, Che Guevara! Ho, Ho, Ho Chi Minh! Down with U.S. imperialism! Down with late bourgeois monopoly capitalism! For a free council system! For the victory of the Vietcong! For the revolution!" The traditional order is no longer accepted by these youth as God-given. And they no longer want to be and live like their parents and their parent's entire generation.

A generation of parents, moreover, who in this Germany, when as young as now, several decades later their protesting children, was enthusiastic about a self-appointed leader named Adolf Hitler, or at least did not rebel against him and his followers. Instead, this generation of parents accepted the destructive ideas and speeches of this leader and his supporters, including plans for the establishment of a new Reich, the conquest of foreign territories, the purity of an Aryan race considered superior, the extermination of Jews and Gypsies, the co-ordination of the people and the elimination of all opposition, according to which action was taken without regard for the lives of others and sometimes even their own lives, because human life itself was not worth much to these fanatics. Murdering and killing or being killed or, in extreme cases, killing oneself became commonplace. In this movement, which had come to power, those who felt they had been shortchanged until then raged above all, blaming for everything evil others who were strangers to them and were now declared to be enemies. So fanatical and supported by opportunists, millions of people, primarily Jews and Sinti and Roma, were cruelly and with military force destroyed by the supporters of this National Socialist Movement, and a total war was instigated around the world. A war that ultimately resulted in catastrophe and fundamental defeat for the Germans themselves. When all that was over and much destroyed, most of the people on the German side no longer understood the world and wanted to forget what had happened during the National Socialist regime like a bad dream and not be reminded of it anymore. Although, as many thought, not all of this previous period was actually bad. But on the whole, however, after the war the people in Germany wanted to link their own lives to the time before National Socialist rule and to ignore the Nazi era, except perhaps that war in itself is something terrible. The associated worldview was correspondingly backward-looking. One was just glad to have gotten away with one's own life and now expected little more from this than to gain some peace and prosperity through diligence, honesty, religious piety, order, and petit-bourgeois narrow-mindedness.

This now older become war generation, used to obeying, working, and not asking any unwanted questions, can then, a good two decades after the war, not understand the now rebellious youth. A youth whose protests, at least in Germany, are also directed against the unclear behavior of many of their parents during the Nazi era. Television and newspaper reports that emphasize the repulsive and order-disrupting appearance of the youth protest reinforce this elder generation's lack of understanding even more. Some frightened grandmothers raise their index fingers in a warning and speak wisely, "God doesn't allow to be mocked!" Others even say nostalgically, "Such wouldn't have happened under Hitler!" But the emergence of alternative ways of life, like mushrooms sprouting on the prosperity's moldy dung, cannot be stopped. "Get free, get high, leave, say goodbye!" is a motto of these days.

After communism, there is soon a new word of terror for the petty-bourgeois people, namely the commune. It is imagined as a chaotic conglomeration of long-haired boys and immoral girls who reside together and live together, also practicing free sex and swapping partners. The fact that their gender is often blurred because of their androgynous appearance gives normal citizens time and again cause for scornful jokes. For these philistines, those long-haired people are little more than light- and work-shy rabble or even lazy, transvestite vermins who live in run-down shacks. Significantly, these young rebels are often also called vagabonds. Incidentally, no sensible person can also listen to the howling of these Beatles, as they commonly say in the middle-class circles of those days.

Despite this hostility, perhaps because of it, and of course also due to the drug cannabis, i.e. hashish and marijuana, which are described as soft, and also LSD, a wave of demonstrative peacefulness, the so-called flower power, is spreading among the long-haired young people of the protest Scene. They are romantic flower children, also known as hippies, whose motto is, "Make love, not war!" Led Zeppelin, Doors, and solo artists like Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan exert a great influence on this youthful protest movement and are an expression of a new attitude toward life within the now-emerging subculture. The epicenter of the hippie movement is the west coast of California, with bands based there such as the Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, and The Byrds. This flower power mood of the hippies spreads like a wave of euphoria, for which the super-soft song "San Francisco" by Scott McKenzie with lines like "...summertime will be and love everywhere. People in motion, people in motion ..." is significant.

At impressive teach-ins, for example on the campus of the University of California in Berkeley, besides San Francisco one of the main centers of the hippie movement and the opponents of the Vietnam War, Herbert Marcuse became the spiritual father of the great refusal. And the LSD prophet Timothy Leary, also a freaky university professor, even sees a new era looming on the LSD-clouded horizon. With the new drugs, especially LSD, according to his utopia, people are now able to consciously change the chemical thought processes in their brains for the better. "Get free, get high, leave, say good-bye," or for every drop-out, the kingdom of heaven is the slogan at a time when, with the first manned moon flights by the Americans and a steadily growing prosperity, at least in the Western world, it seems to be in other ways as well no limits for mankind at all.

Tobias, still a pupil, also hears these messages from the hippies about the happiness attainable in this world. He is drawn to it and wants to be one of those who follow that call. As an outward testimony of his sense of belonging to the movement, he henceforth refuses to cut his hair. Instead, he lets it sprout freely and uninhibited. The long hair of male wearers is a sign that like-minded people recognize each other. For them, it is a symbol of their striving for radical freedom and pleasure.

During this time, a corresponding Scene develops everywhere in the cities. Maybe there are actually several Scenes at a time, for example, that of the undogmatic political lefties, that of the stoners, or later also that of the junkies, which are all initially still loosely connected, but then drift apart more and more. The Scene, how it's called where this group of people come together, is the place where they share a common attitude to life, listen to rock music, or show anti-bourgeois outfits. Political actions are planned there, revolutionary discussions are held, drugs are distributed and consumed or partners are sought to live out one's own sexuality. Tobias too made during this time his first experiences with the drug hashish, which is described as mind-expanding and soft and has a slightly hallucinogenic effect. When intoxicated, he experiences how his mind seems to free itself from the burden of its own body, and how the consciousness experiences the environment from a different perspective when intoxicated with hashish, whereby the external sensory impressions are partially intensified, partially distorted, and sometimes in the internal processing also perceived in the form of hallucinations. Events otherwise normally experienced are then viewed as if one were looking down on them from a remote height.

Tobias now participates with other free-spirited young people, mostly secondary school students like himself, in publishing an independent, anti-authoritarian newspaper for folks of their generation, but mainly the student body of upper secondary schools and similar schools in this region. The magazine is published at irregular intervals and in small editions and is distributed in the city for a small fee. It attempts to point out and criticize grievances in school, state, and society, using terminology with largely pseudo-Marxist vocabulary. On an extra page under the heading "News of Pop and Psychodelic" there are reports about up-to-date currents in pop music and the psychedelic underground. Especially for this section, Tobias contributes committed, enlightening articles. The newspaper's printing and editorial headquarters are in the basement of the villa of a wealthy family well respected in the city, whose youngest, spoiled offspring has also joined the Scene. In a heated conspiracy mood, these young people meet here and discuss political and social system changes that are considered necessary. Joint experiments with cannabis are also carried out there, about which a report is then also published in the next issue of their newspaper.

In "The Alternative", as the newspaper is called, it reads in excerpts as follows, "Ten minutes after taking the drug, Michael, Bernd, and Andrea (the editors have changed their names) stretched out on the mattresses in the room and only returned to the everyday world from a trance-like waking sleep almost three hours later.

They agreed that they felt all the noises and especially the music much more emotionally, almost physically. Michael to this, 'My sense of music became master over me, and my imagination imitated the sound vibrations with resonant wave movements.' Every one told of a drastic, impressive experience that they would not soon forget, even if they sometimes felt depressed, burdened, and paralyzed.

Their sense of space, time, and the body was very different than usual and was initially perceived as threatening and strange. The world seemed very distant and dreamlike spaced out to them, they felt completely passive and uninvolved. All perceived movements seemed slowed down as if in slow motion and often led to associative, introverted trains of thought that went hand in hand with fantasies, memories, and chains of reflection. A state of exhilaration abruptly gave way to fear and cool shivering. The positive sensitization and expansion of their consciousness were in stark contrast to the usual superficiality and hectic pace of the disciplined, bourgeois everyday life."

This article of "The Alternative" has sparked outrage from teachers, parents, and other leaders across the city because, as the local newspaper puts it, it would encourage innocent children and developmentally-dangered adolescents to engage in self-destructive drug use. Literally, it says, "After this demagogic and seductive article in the newspaper 'The Alternative', in which decadence and drug addiction are glorified, it should come as no surprise to anyone if one or the other of the young readership now feels the curiosity, and be it only even once, and maybe just for a try to forget one's sorrows in this emotionally bewitching world of narcotics and dreams and to become once really high in the clouds of sweet-smelling hashish fume.

And we know from the latest frightening reports from America, directly from the drug front, so to speak, how dangerous this harmless just-try-it-out can suddenly become, and then often the journey just ends in death."

The local criminal police are investigating when this issue of "The Alternative" has been published against unknown persons because of the urgent suspicion of a punishable offense against the Narcotics Act. However, these investigations will then be discontinued at some point without a concrete result.

A few months after this scandal, the "News of Pop and Psychodelic" disappears from "The Alternative" anyway. This happens after a political direction has become prevailing within the editorial team of this newspaper, which is oriented towards the orthodox, in parties organized, socialist left and therefore demands zero tolerance towards hallucinogenic drugs and denounces the Drug Scene overall as a decadent phenomenon of late capitalism. The adepts of drug consumption are for this direction subjectivistic neurotics and freaked-out petty-bourgeois offspring who want to live out their bourgeois freedom without thinking about the interests of the working population. For Tobias, this change of direction within the editorial team prompts him soon afterward to abandon his work on the school newspaper, which was originally intended to be independent.