Break Through E-Book

Mark Fennell

• Herausgeber: Gill Books
• Kategorie: Sachliteratur, Reportagen, Biografien
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Seitenzahl: 371

Beschreibung

We all feel stuck at times – professionally, personally, financially, emotionally, or even just stuck in our own heads. Life coach Mark Fennell has given thousands of clients the tools they need to shift their thinking, unlock inner strength and find the motivation required to Break Through the feeling of being stuck so that they can move forward and make lasting life changes. In this practical and relatable book, Mark shares some of these client stories along with his own experience of anxiety and coping with infertility. Using proven exercises and actions, Mark provides a roadmap for working through feelings of frustration and despair towards a fulfilled and happy future. Break Through will help you to change your approach to decision-making, tune into your gut and make choices that chime with who you really are, empowering you to be your own coach and get the breakthrough you need.

Leseprobe

PRACTICAL STEPSFOR MOVING FROM STUCKTO UNSTOPPABLE

MARK FENNELL

GILL BOOKS

This book is dedicated to my wife Fiona, who has stood with me and cheered me on every step of the way. To my family and everyone who has supported me and my work, I say thank you.

The book is also dedicated to the reader who wants to embrace a life that is fulfilled. You deserve to have a life that makes you smile.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Introduction

PART 1: THE FOUNDATIONS FOR CHANGE

1How are you … really?

2Unlock your identity

3Your why

4Your capacity

5Your positioning

6Your time

PART 2: THE SOLUTIONS TO STUCK

7The types of stuck

8Mentally stuck: overthinking and worrying

9Emotionally stuck: trapped feeling this way

10Physically stuck: when your body lets you down

11Relationally stuck: love and sex

12Interpersonally stuck: friends and frenemies

13Historically stuck: dealing with the past

14Financially stuck: money and manifesting

15Spiritually stuck: finding true happiness

16The road to fulfilment

Endnotes

Acknowledgements

Copyright

About the Author

About Gill Books

Introduction

A few years ago, I went out with my dad to get something to eat in a bar close to the area where he grew up. Some guys were seated at the bar with a pint of the black stuff in front of them whom my dad knew from 30 years ago. When he spotted them, he called out a ‘How are you?’ and they all gave a grumbled reply of ‘Nothing new, same old’.

It was a Thursday at 2 p.m., but to these men going to the bar was their daily routine. As we left, my dad told me how some of them had been through hard times that they’d never got over. They would sit at the bar day after day talking to whoever would listen, giving out about the government, sport and whatever was playing on the television in the corner. They all had a story to tell; each of them had had experiences that knocked them off track in life and that they struggled to cope with. Sadly, these men were stuck.

As you read this book, there are people sitting somewhere with their potential put on hold. Pain, loss, trauma, failure – a long list of reasons to be stuck.

The reason I write this book is to prevent you from missing out on your potential and to break through what might be holding you back. Don’t be the man or woman at the end of the bar, or sitting anywhere for that matter, as life passes you by because you got stuck. We will all experience pain, struggle and loss. Nobody deserves that, and nobody deserves to miss out on life either. Be the person who gets so wrapped up in building a fulfilling life that you never let circumstance cut off your potential. There will be hard times, but life doesn’t have to stay stuck there. This book is for those who refuse to let the station of stuck be their last stop. Stuck can be temporary or it can be permanent; the decision is yours.

This book is for anyone who has ever felt like they lost their spark. Anyone who feels trapped, bored or even a little lost. It is not just a book on how to navigate out of feeling stuck, but how to find peace, fulfilment and joy. Perhaps you are stuck trying to get healthy, hurting with a broken heart, stuck in addiction, stuck in the wrong job, lost without direction, stuck in the past, stuck with bad eating habits, emotionally stuck, mentally stuck or financially stuck. But whatever your stuck, this book is for you. I’ve helped thousands of people get out of feeling stuck over the last two decades and I will share with you how to do it within the covers of this book. I know how, not just because I’ve helped many achieve it, but because I was stuck before too, in such a way that it nearly destroyed me.

When I was in my twenties, I collapsed in the gym. I was rushed to hospital and treated for a suspected heart attack. It was the most frightened I have ever been. It opened the door to fear like I had never experienced before. Things came to a head in the form of exhaustion and burnout, leading to a complete breakdown. I was stuck being busy and from that I became stuck in chronic anxiety. The whole ordeal set in motion an internal battle as I became crippled with sleepless nights, fear and rumination. I lost 30 pounds in weight, and it got so hard to keep going that I nearly didn’t make it through. However, what I discovered eventually led me to being free of the horrible anxiety and two years later I was unstuck. Something in my gut told me to hold on and hope. I rebuilt my life over the next two years step by step, brick by brick, day by day. I eventually discovered how to beat anxiety for good and what it takes to get unstuck.

Regardless of why you are stuck, there is a way out. It is possible to deal with the frustration and the pain, get unstuck and be happy.

This book is based on knowledge gained from years of helping people, the results of studies I have conducted and my lived experience. Over the years, I have discovered that no matter how badly discouraged, hurt or lost you feel, there is a way out of that place. I can testify from first-hand experience that regardless of your situation, you can find happiness, fulfilment and hope again. Even if you’ve been told that there is no way – there is always a way.

Here I will share the tools and strategies that I have learned. They have worked for thousands of people; they can work for you.

BECOME YOUR OWN COACH

Each chapter in this book is like a session with your own coach. I’ll reveal to you the strategies and tools that will empower you to shatter your limitations and redefine what’s possible.

Throughout the book, you will explore the areas that we get stuck in the most in life. I’ll share profound insights into the power of your thoughts, mindset and emotions, and unlock your ability to unleash your authentic self and tap into your limitless potential.

For over two decades, I have been blessed to work with individuals from all walks of life, witnessing their incredible transformations first-hand. As you embark on this transformative journey, you’ll find stories of others who have faced similar challenges. Even if their specific circumstances don’t mirror yours, I invite you to discover the universal principles and apply them to your own life.

Now, let’s talk about fulfilment. As the saying goes, ‘give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime’.

Suppose we call fulfilment the fish. When I coach someone, they may have never even eaten a fish, never have had that sense of fulfilment. Or maybe they had it for a time, but now they don’t know what it is. So, I give them the taste of the fish and then when they taste its flavour, they now get a desire to independently seek this fish, i.e. find fulfilment on their own.

I don’t want to just tell you how to fix your stuck, I want to train you to be your own coach so you can get to a place where you can coach yourself.

As your own coach, you can learn to observe yourself. Instead of impulsively reacting when triggered, you’ll learn to hit the pause button and ask yourself why. You’ll observe your behaviours and thought patterns, with the goal of transforming them into constructive and helpful responses, gradually shifting towards a more balanced and healthy approach. It will take effort and patience, just like learning to fish, but trust me, it’s worth the effort!

Throughout this journey, as you dive into the stories and insights that I will share, your self-awareness will skyrocket. You will gain greater control over your reactions and a deeper understanding of yourself. Remember, clarity is key. Understanding how and why we process things the way we do is a game-changer. Each chapter includes exercises that you can try out to address the various areas in your life where you feel stuck.

When we become stuck, it compounds over time and gets harder and harder to break free of it. It is like being submersed in a deep ocean and the further you go, the harder it is to see daylight. Uncovering your core beliefs and values is the key to unlocking your true purpose. Within each chapter, I will provide you with practical exercises, powerful strategies, and the guidance you need to break free from the chains that have held you back. Together, we’ll create a roadmap to the life you’ve always desired – a life overflowing with joy, love, and peace. Leave behind the pain of the past and step into the brightest version of yourself. By the time you reach the end of this book, you won’t just be free from stagnation; you’ll be a force to be reckoned with, unstoppable in your pursuit of greatness and fulfilment.

So, buckle up and get ready for a transformative ride. Together, we’ll unleash the tools and wisdom needed to break through from being stuck, so you can discover a life that is fulfilled, a life that makes you smile.

PART ONE

The foundations for change

CHAPTER 1

How are you … really?

HOW ARE YOU AND WHAT IS IT YOU REALLY WANT IN LIFE?

One of the first questions I will ask a client is ‘How are you?’ After the first answer they give, which is usually short and brief, I will ask again.

‘So tell me, how are you really?’

The answers I get are mixed. Some people share a lot and some very little. But I do this to evaluate their current emotional state at that time because our emotions tell us a lot. Emotions are our reactions to situations and events either present, past or in a future that we envision.

It is a question we fail to stop and ask ourselves, but, when we sit for a moment and think about how we are really feeling, we start to get insight. At the start of any journey, clarity is vital. When the captain of a ship knows the destination before setting sail, that’s clarity. Sometimes we might feel like a captain of a ship that is floating in the sea with no idea of where to go or what harbour to dock in. Life is blowing us from one place to the next and our focus is on staying afloat and surviving, as opposed to having a course and plan. Our emotions are like the ship’s radar, measuring how things are going. What is that emotional blip on your radar and how do you describe it? When you are anxious, sad or angry it is like a radar pinging that something is wrong.

When I discover how a person is really feeling it leads to the next question: ‘What is it that has you feeling like this?’

I receive a wide range of answers. People tell me that it is because they have no direction and feel stressed, anxious or lack confidence. Sometimes it is because they want to meet someone, feel they have something to get up for in the morning, or want to know how to build a better career or start a business. The list goes on.

Sometimes the answer I get is, ‘I don’t know what I want, I just feel lost.’ Fear and frustration can then follow as they feel adrift with no course to take.

What do you do when you don’t know what you want? Or perhaps what you want is impossible for you to have? Can you still be happy if you can’t have what you want?

I felt lost when all my wife and I wanted was to have children but were told it wasn’t possible. We have never had kids and that feeling of being stuck and knowing that what we longed for was now deemed impossible is a tough situation to come to terms with. I’ll share more later on how we coped and dealt with the news. But a great quote helped me when I was stuck and what I desired was not possible:

Nothing is impossible. The word itself says ‘I’m Possible’.

AUDREY HEPBURN

I took from that quote that I am possible, my capacity and my potential are still there even though the road I thought I was meant to take was closed. You need to figure out a new route because you are possible, meaning your potential can never be taken away from you even in the face of impossible circumstances.

Discovering what you stand for, and what you want in life and making a plan to achieve it is the target. Maybe you know what you want and just need a plan, or perhaps you feel stuck and have lost your spark, or maybe you just want to level up in life on your journey of self-development: however you feel today, we will figure it out together. We will get you to that life you desire. Each chapter builds on the last. The book is written as if I were coaching you step by step, page by page. In this first section, we will focus on the foundation upon which everything will be built. The second section, ‘Solutions to Stuck’, will look at how we can apply those tools to each part of your life.

When you feel lost even though life is okay

Chloe was a young woman who seemed to have everything going well in her life. She contacted me to have a chat. She shared how she expressed gratitude for all the blessings she had, and yet, deep down, something felt off. Despite her outward appearance of happiness, she felt like there was an underlying void within her.

I asked Chloe ‘How are you?’ To my surprise, she lowered her head, fell silent, and then burst into heart-wrenching tears. Chloe confessed that she had been functioning in life, wearing a happy façade, but in reality, she felt no joy, no spark, and had nothing to genuinely look forward to. While she cherished her family and had good friends, something essential was missing. She longed to recapture the happiness she once felt and her enthusiasm for life. But now, she found herself trapped in a monotonous routine, unable to understand why.

‘Why am I not happy?’ she exclaimed.

Chloe’s story is not uncommon. Many people find themselves merely existing, surviving day by day, with their heads down, without truly living. It is so important to ask yourself, how are you? It is a question we should revisit periodically; it forces us to evaluate our lives and take stock of how things truly are. Often, we become so engrossed in the hustle and bustle of life that we forget to check in with ourselves until it’s too late and our unhappiness has become undeniable.

If you were sitting with me in a one-on-one session what would your honest response be if I asked you how you were and what you wanted in life? Most of us just want to be happy and feel calm. But the truth is happiness and calm should not be the goal. The goal should be things that generate happiness and calm. An emotion is a psychological and physiological response to a specific event, experience or stimulus. An emotion is a reaction to something. What is that ‘something’ that might generate happiness or calm for you? Because that is a better target to aim for. (But remember that true happiness and calm won’t be found in money, drugs or sex.)

What we truly seek, whether we realise it or not, is a life that brings us a sense of fulfilment – a life that aligns with our deepest desires and values. Happiness can’t be sustained every day, nor can feeling calm. But fulfilment comes when we are truly content with life. It is not achieved by reaching all our goals, but it is the state we obtain by knowing that, overall, life is going in the direction we want it to. It is that fulfilment that generates happiness, and the calm and positive emotions you desire. You will have stressful days and experience loss and pain. But fulfilment is not only present when you are winning. It is a heartfelt state that allows you to press on, even when you are hurt, driven by an inward spark that stops you from giving up. That spark is there because life has meaning and is valued and precious. In other words, you have something to live for.

When we pursue our hearts’ desires, it creates a state of fulfilment. It is that fulfilment which harvests joy, peace and love.

After nearly two decades of assisting people on their journeys, I cannot help but notice the keys to a fulfilled life. Far too many individuals are merely going through the motions, not truly embracing life’s fullness. This book is not about finding fleeting happiness; it’s about achieving a profound, enduring contentment – an unshakable sense of fulfilment that permeates every aspect of your existence.

Let’s be honest: it would be disheartening to reach old age and realise that you’re still yearning for something you have yet to find. Living a life that falls short of its potential, a life devoid of fulfilment, is a missed opportunity of monumental proportions.

Are you in the passenger seat or the driver’s seat?

In the passenger seat, you are going wherever circumstance takes you, being led as opposed to leading. In the driver’s seat, it is you who decides the route for your life.

This book is not solely dedicated to helping you break free from the chains of stagnation; it’s a guide to rediscovering yourself. Perhaps you’ve lost your way and are no longer the vibrant, happy person who once harboured dreams and aspirations. It’s time to place that authentic self back in the driver’s seat of your life.

OPEN THE CAGE

The last time I visited the zoo, the lion enclosure got me thinking. The lions had been in captivity their whole lives. This had been their habitat since they were cubs. They had never known freedom, never been able to walk in the wild, hunt for their dinner, or meet other wild lions. The lions were stuck, but not just stuck, they were stuck against their will. A lion doesn’t get a choice of what zoo to go to when it is born, never mind if they want to be there or not. The lion’s only life experience is the cage and the routine of the meals being delivered. Life for a lion moves along without too much excitement.

What is true for the lion is true for many humans too. They operate within their familiar, their comfort zone, their routine. They don’t know any different. It is the same process leading to the same result. The cage has conditioned the lion to understand that this is all there is. With a lion stuck their whole life in a cage with dinner served every day, why do we need the cage at all? Nobody has ever told the lion that all these people peering in at it are potential steaks on legs. It has never been taught to attack, hunt, or run free. It knows nothing about the African plains or the beauty of being free in the wild. To the lion, there is no more to life. The lion doesn’t know its potential.

The lion has been conditioned and controlled in relation to what it can do. The same is sadly true for so many people and maybe it is true for you. You might be going through life not knowing your potential, who you could be if you weren’t conditioned by fear, or perhaps if you weren’t controlled by others, or if you weren’t enslaved by your past. Maybe you’ve achieved great things and feel your best days are behind you, now what? The reason the cage exists for a lion is because of one vital thing that we too can relate to. This vital part is why the cage and boundaries get checked, why the meat is thrown in and not handed to the lion; why tranquilliser guns are left nearby. It is because of one thing. One thing that we have in common with the lion: instinct.

The invisible cage

As human beings, we can sometimes become stuck like the lion. The cage, however, is not a high fence or locked door. Maybe your cage is a job, a lack of self-belief, a habit of procrastination, a relationship, a physical challenge, a business, a controlling person, comparison, a location, a mindset, a hurt, a past event, a fear, a trauma, a limiting belief or whatever it might be.

Whatever ‘cage’ has you stuck, you don’t have to stay there. The fear might tell you to stay with what you know, stay with your familiar. But what if freedom was waiting for you, what if healing was waiting for you, what if your purpose was waiting for you? What if a fulfilled life was waiting for you on the other side of that cage door?

What if your best days were ahead of you and not behind you?

A few years ago, I encountered a remarkable woman named Kate whose story touched me deeply. Despite her impressive accomplishments – she was a successful professional with a well-paid, high-performing job – she found herself suffering from imposter syndrome, trapped in a cycle of worst-case scenarios and debilitating anxiety. Every day was consumed by the relentless worry of ‘what if this happened?’ and ‘what if that happened?’ She became unable to sleep at night, which in turn affected her performance at work.

Kate, now in her forties, realised that this way of living couldn’t continue any longer. Anxiety had taken a toll on her sleep, appetite, and relationships. Desperate for change, she reached out to me for help. When we began our sessions, I posed a question that often unveils the desires of one’s heart: ‘What would your dream be if fear didn’t exist?’ Her response was profound in its simplicity: ‘To be anxiety-free and regain control over my life.’

As we embarked on this transformative journey together, little did we know that a breakthrough awaited her. After several sessions, she unexpectedly requested an emergency session. Worried that something dreadful had occurred, I made time to connect with her. To my surprise, her emergency wasn’t a crisis but rather an extraordinary revelation – she had experienced a few days of freedom from anxiety, something she hadn’t felt in two decades. During this anxiety-free time, she noticed the birds chirping and the scent of freshly cut grass as she walked to her car. Her sleep had improved significantly, and even the taste of food seemed richer and more vibrant. Yet, amidst this newfound calmness, she faced a different kind of uncertainty.

Her anxiety had become her familiar companion, her North Star in navigating life’s challenges. It had guided her attention towards potential dangers and motivated her to take necessary actions and preventative measures. She had lived enslaved to anxiety her whole life and now it had subsided she didn’t know how to feel. She felt peace of mind and body and couldn’t explain it, it was so foreign to her.

Our beliefs and emotional patterns shape our perception of ourselves and our world. In her case, anxiety had become intertwined with her identity, causing her to question who am I now that I am not anxious. It was a reminder of the complexity and depth of the human psyche, and the interplay between our emotions, beliefs, and actions.

She even felt a little strange and emotional about not feeling anxious. I reassured her that such feelings were normal. Without the preoccupation of anxiety, she became more present and aware, allowing her to come alive with a heightened experience of her senses, such as smell and taste.

It’s important to recognise that she had stepped outside her cage and entered a realm of freedom she had longed for. Yet, this unfamiliar territory also instilled fear because it was new and different, pushing her beyond her comfort zone. I share this to convey that apprehension is natural and acceptable, even when we get to the place we yearn to be and experience the emotions we long for. Adjustments are required as the old self adapts to the new reality. Like trying something for the first time, it may feel strange and unfamiliar. Many of us may not even be aware of the cages that confine us internally.

Gradually, she adapted to this new normal and began embracing the life she had always desired. With newfound confidence, she successfully delivered presentations without the sleepless nights that previously plagued her. The imposter syndrome became a mere whisper, as she learned to trust her gut instinct.

Try this. Think about a time in the past when you wanted to do something, but you were nervous, in two minds, maybe even afraid of doing it, yet you did it anyway and it was amazing. The feeling of achievement, that sense of winning, the joy of completion – was it worth it? Was it worth overcoming the fear, the anxiety, the knots in your tummy?

Trust your gut; it might pay off.

What is your cage?

A study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology in 2017 found that people who trusted their gut feelings were more likely to experience positive emotions and less likely to experience negative emotions.1 The participants were asked to complete a series of tasks that involved making decisions, and they were either told to rely on their gut feelings or to make the decisions based on analytical reasoning. The participants who trusted their gut feelings reported feeling more positive emotions and fewer negative emotions than those who relied on analytical reasoning.

Your gut or intuition is a part of you that can differentiate between what you want and what you need, between what is right and what is wrong. It is an intrinsic instinctual part of you driven by beliefs and values and can operate in the blink of an eye. The book Blink written by Malcolm Gladwell recounted many instances where people didn’t always understand why they made certain choices, but upon questioning would conclude that they just trusted their gut, their intuition.

Your gut feeling is a powerful tool that can help you make better decisions. It is based on your past experiences, intuition and subconscious thoughts. It can make mistakes, but when it comes to what you desire in life it is seldom wrong.

What are the barriers holding you back? What do you need to break through? Cages come in all shapes and sizes and for each of us, the cage is different. What holds one person back may not hold another back. The reality is if you have a cage then you can deal with it and there is no shame or guilt attached.

I remember feeling so stuck and broken that my whole world fell dark. No twenty-something wants to feel like this. I decided I was going to defy statistics and break free of anxiety. Something in me said it was not over yet: I can, I will, I must get through this.

I made a decision. If ever this felt too much to bear, I would reach out for help the following day, but until then I am going to study, research and work through this. I approached it like a coach helping a client through their inner challenges. I observed myself. Many times it got too much for me and things got very dark in my life. I was slipping away at one point. I thought I’d reached rock bottom only to fall further. A small voice in me said ‘Keep going’. My wife and family were incredible. It was one of the toughest battles of my life because the battlefield was my mind. After two years I eventually broke through the anxiety and fear, not by beating or resisting it, but by not fearing fear anymore. I cannot put into words how hard it was and how stuck I felt. But I trusted my instinct to hold on and keep going. That was almost 18 years ago and anxiety has never been an issue for me in all the years since. Who would have thought that anxiety and fear could be overcome? Whatever you are facing or however you are stuck start listening to your gut instinct. Let me tell you: it’s not over, the best is yet to come.

My instinct saved my life and I don’t know where I’d be today if I hadn’t discovered it. Awakening your inner strength is just one of the things you will learn with this book. I have brought this message to thousands of people over the years and now I am bringing it to you. You were never meant to be caged. The best is yet to come for you and I want you to start believing that.

Start to listen more to your inner voice, your gut instinct, your intuition. It knows what you want even when you think you don’t. Maybe it is saying something about your health, your lifestyle, a business, a career choice, a partner, a purchase, a goal, or maybe it is a gut instinct about someone or even yourself. Start to listen to this voice because sometimes our analytical mind can’t see things.

Instinct doesn’t explain why, it simply nudges you.

WHAT IF YOU WEREN’T STUCK?

Taking the first step in getting unstuck is like a first date: there are nerves and there is the unknown, but something in you says go for it. But instead this date is with your destiny. The decisions you make today will ultimately define your future fulfilment. You can settle for what is and remain there or you can start by getting curious. What if this thing holding you back didn’t exist? The first move is listening to the inner voice that is calling you to take a step: that inner voice that knows things aren’t right, that inner voice that you know you can trust. That voice that told you to pick up this book and read. Is something within you telling you that things could be better?

Today’s decisions are tomorrow’s destiny.

It has different names but they all mean the same thing. I call it your gut instinct, some call it your intuition, your inner voice. Whatever you call it, we all know it. That voice that doesn’t always have an explanation but knows what the right thing to do is. Regardless of what has you stuck, getting unstuck is worth it, and more importantly, it is doable.

We may be aware the cage is there but if we never look beyond the cage we will never see what could have been. If we settle for the enclosure we are in, we close our eyes to our potential. We might as well close the cage ourselves and lock the door. If you want to remain where you are then do nothing.

Being stuck is one thing, but remaining stuck is down to you. Doing nothing achieves nothing, so why do nothing when you can do something?

THE FIRST STEP IS TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

Maybe things feel out of alignment in life and you have not identified exactly what is wrong, but knowing there is something up is a good start. Your gut instinct is telling you that something needs to be looked at. It doesn’t have a plan or the tools, and it doesn’t even know what that destination should be. It simply is telling you that something is not right. Your gut instinct will light a spark of discovery. The beginning of getting unstuck is admitting that we are stuck, admitting there is a cage. Unlike the lion, we have the potential to step outside of whatever is holding us back and live freely. I’m not saying life will be easy, but it will certainly be easier by not allowing anyone or anything to put us in a cage again. It doesn’t matter how the cage got there, what matters is whether you choose to stay there or break free from it.

Being open and honest with ourselves is crucial, and this is what Chloe, the woman I mentioned at the start of this chapter, found hard to do. She never took the time to process how she felt and felt bad admitting something was up considering her life on paper was blessed. I helped her to identify how she felt and to try and name the problem. Then I asked how she would like to feel and what might get her there. The exercise at the end of this chapter was a massive step for her because it gave her clarity, a starting point. From there we could see what she wanted to work towards.

Change your thinking, change your results

Honesty with yourself is a strength that casts light onto those dark parts of the soul that you might be used to sweeping under the rug. But what if you decided to lift that rug and face those inner negative beliefs, thoughts and emotions and rid yourself of them? Getting open and honest with yourself and declaring that the cage is about to be unlocked and you are going to step into the new, stronger, wiser, happier, fulfilled version of yourself starts with the exercise below.

EXERCISE

WHY DOES JOURNALLING WORK?

In a classic study by James W. Pennebaker, participants who wrote about their traumatic experiences for 15 minutes on four consecutive days experienced improved physical and psychological well-being. This study demonstrated the positive effects of expressive writing as a form of talking about problems. Writing for that long may not come easy, and you don’t necessarily need to write for 15 minutes, but the study shows how writing helps us process things and get clarity. Here is a 60-second version to get things started.

This exercise is designed to help you discover what your instinct is trying to tell you. It is a great help when you read this book to highlight parts that resonate, take notes, and write things down when they click with you.

Sometimes we need to understand how we are feeling and why. Elaborate as much as you need with your answer to each question. Our objective at this point is to get clarity.

PART ONE: Name the problem

Q1: How are you?

A1: I feel __________ because __________

EXAMPLES:

‘I feel stuck because I don’t have the motivation or drive to do anything.

‘I feel lonely because at my age most of my friends are married and I am not.

PART TWO: How would you like to feel?

Q2: I would like to feel more of the opposite emotion, which is __________

EXAMPLES:

‘I would like to feel more of the opposite emotion, which is happy with my life.’

‘I would like to feel more of the opposite emotion, which is peace with my situation.’

PART THREE: What can you do?

Q3: To feel more __________ I will __________

What is the one thing you can do today to cultivate more of the emotion you want to feel as opposed to the negative one you currently feel?

Sometimes we can generate how we want to feel with other things in our control. It won’t make the negative emotions go away but it will top up the emotions we want to feel.

EXAMPLES:

‘To feel more happy, I will start to make time for the things that make me laugh and give me joy.’

‘To feel more peaceful, I will look at my schedule and start to include the things I enjoy.’

I often refer to this as the XYZ tool – ‘I feel X because of Y, and Z might make it better.’

This exercise will help you to start processing how you feel and to find a way to remedy the situation. It is merely to get you started. It is a simple way to become self-aware.

You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

CHAPTER 2

Unlock your identity

WHO ARE YOU?

Feeling stuck often arises from a disconnect between who you are and who you desire to be. When your expectations and reality are not aligned, it leads to you feeling like you are not where you should be in life. You may have a vision for your life, but are you actively living it? Or do you lack a vision of what a happy, fulfilled life would look like? Sometimes you may feel that you don’t deserve life to be better because, for whatever reason, you believe that you are not worthy of a good life.

When you find yourself not embodying the person you truly want to be, it can induce a sense of being trapped – a sort of identity crisis. We all go through identity changes throughout our lives. The problem arises when we aren’t happy with who we are.

For instance, you may be labelled as an anxious person due to anxiety, yet you yearn to break free from this label. In my case, when the doctor told me that anxiety would probably be something I would struggle with for the rest of my life and that I would need medication, it broke my heart to think that this would be my identity. So I chose to challenge this label of ‘anxious’ and put all my focus and strength into becoming who I wanted to be, not governed by the limitations of a report. Rather than letting anxiety define me, I defined my identity.

Lack of confidence might be a constant struggle for you, but you don’t wish for it to define you indefinitely. Perhaps you currently lack a sense of purpose, but deep down, you know that’s not how you want to exist. You want to feel you have a sense of purpose and have a fulfilled life.

While you possess a current identity, you hold the power to transform yourself into the person you aspire to be. And this transformation is not some distant future possibility – it can commence right now.

Your values are foundational to your identity. When you live life according to your values, you are living as your true self. This exercise will help you to identify what those values are.

EXERCISE

TOP VALUES

From the list below pick your top five values. Start by marking the ones you find important that may potentially make the list. All values are relevant, but the key is finding what drives you. When you’ve marked the important ones, put a number between 1 and 5 beside them, 5 being the least important and 1 being the most important.

•INTEGRITY: Being honest, truthful, and having strong moral principles.

•HONESTY: Telling the truth, being transparent, and avoiding deception.

•RESPECTFULNESS: Treating others with kindness, consideration, and dignity.

•RESPONSIBILITY: Taking ownership of one’s actions and obligations.

•COMPASSION: Showing empathy and concern for the well-being of others.

•COURAGE: Facing challenges and difficulties with bravery and determination.

•PERSEVERANCE: Persisting in the face of obstacles and adversity.

•PEACE: Feeling calm within yourself and amongst others.

•GRATITUDE: Appreciating and expressing thanks for what one has.

•SELF-CONTROL: the ability to regulate your emotions.

•EMPATHY: Understanding and sharing the feelings of others.

•KINDNESS: Performing acts of goodwill and being friendly.

•ACCOUNTABILITY: Holding oneself and others responsible for their actions.

•FAIRNESS: Treating all people and situations equitably and justly.

•TEAMWORK: Collaborating effectively with others to achieve common goals.

•INDEPENDENCE: Valuing self-reliance and autonomy.

•GENEROSITY: Giving to others without expecting something in return.

•HUMILITY: Recognising one’s limitations and showing modesty.

•ADAPTABILITY: Being open to change and flexible in various situations.

•AUTHENTICITY: Being true to oneself and not pretending to be someone else.

•FAMILY: Prioritising the well-being and happiness of one’s family.

•COMMUNITY: Valuing and contributing to the betterment of the local and global community.

•ENVIRONMENTAL STEWARDSHIP: Caring for the environment and taking steps to protect it.

•INNOVATION: Embracing new ideas and creative thinking.

•HEALTH AND WELLNESS: Prioritising physical and mental well-being.

•EDUCATION: Valuing continuous learning and personal growth.

•FREEDOM: Cherishing personal liberty and the right to make choices.

•SPIRITUALITY: Seeking meaning and purpose in life through faith or belief systems.

•SUCCESS: Striving for personal and professional achievement.

•FINANCIAL SECURITY: Ensuring financial stability and independence.

•ADVENTURE: Embracing new experiences and taking risks.

•BALANCE: Seeking equilibrium in various aspects of life, such as work–life balance.

LIMITING BELIEFS

Limiting beliefs are thoughts that you believe are the absolute truth and that stop you from doing certain things. They can oppose your true values.

When my body had symptoms of anxiety, my mind was racing and I was stressed and anxious all the time because I believed that anxiety would control my life. This was my limiting belief and it prevented me from pursuing my values. I didn’t choose this belief – nobody chooses their limiting belief. But we derive it by circumstance, feelings, opinions and upbringing and if we say it enough, or it is said to us enough, over time we will believe it to be true.

To overcome this limiting belief there was a question I asked myself that I am going to ask you. The question is this: ‘Despite how I feel and how I think, what do I want?’

My mind and body were telling me I was anxious. Yes, I definitely was in a state of anxiety, so I am not suggesting denying how you feel. The answer to ‘what do I want?’ was obvious. I wanted to stop feeling anxious and to enjoy life. That was my values speaking, my intrinsic desires. It wasn’t even about being fulfilled, I just wanted peace within. I really valued peace and calm because I saw what life was like in their absence. I certainly did not value anxiety; who would? Yes, anxiety has its purpose in life when required, but it’s not designed to be a constant emotional state. Rather than take on the limiting belief that anxiety would control my life, I focused and had faith that my current situation was not my final destination.

At the time, my values and desire for peace were but a whisper amidst tangible anxious sensations and ruminations. It was that whisper that I was going to listen to because it said ‘Don’t give up’.

Sadly, so many people listen to the other voice that shouts ‘Give up, you won’t beat this thing!’ and I came very close to doing so many times. Maybe you are going through a completely different type of struggle to mine, but the rules are the same. The result you seek is possible. Eventually, I got to the place where anxiety was no longer an issue for me at all. It took time, but it all started with my identity.

The mind focuses on what it hears most often and comes to believe it to be fact. If you often hear that you are a failure, will never be happy, or are less than other people (maybe from a parent, teacher or peer), you will come to see it as a fact. But, in reality, it’s just a belief that has been established over time. Who is to say it’s true?

THE SEVEN STAGES OF IDENTITY