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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
Business Skills For Dummies eBook bundle is a collection of three full length books rolled into one convenient bundle giving you the skills to be a confident and assured player in the business world and beyond! Actions really do speak louder than words. If you are puzzled by other people or want to improve the impression you give, having an insight into body language is key. Body Language For Dummies body reveals what people really mean, and how you can use your body and your expressions to make a positive impact. Many people want to gain trust or support in business and throughout life, but the true skill is doing so in a charming fashion! Whether you're convincing the boss about your much-deserved promotion or a busy restaurateur to offer a better table, Persuasion and Influence For Dummies can help improve and increase your successes. Confidence For Dummies shows you how to understand confidence, and offers practical tips and techniques to build on your skills and improve your confidence in all areas of life.
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Seitenzahl: 1574
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2013
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Business Skills Bundle For Dummies®
Table of Contents
Body Language For Dummies®, 2nd Edition
by Elizabeth Kuhnke
Body Language For Dummies®, 2nd Edition
Published byJohn Wiley & Sons, Inc.111 River St.Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774
Copyright © 2012 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex, England
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex
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British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 978-1-119-95351-7 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-119-95378-4 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-119-95380-7 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-119-95379-1 (ebk)
Printed and bound in Great Britain by Bell & Bain Ltd, Glasgow
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About the Author
Elizabeth Kuhnke holds a Bachelor’s degree in Speech and Communications from Northwestern University, and a Masters degree in Theatre Arts. For over 20 years, Elizabeth has worked with individuals and groups to bolster their personal impact and communication skills.
Before moving to Britain, Elizabeth acted throughout the United States on the stage, radio, and television. In addition to designing and delivering university programmes in voice and movement, she also taught acting skills to students and professionals.
In the United Kingdom, Elizabeth applies her theatrical expertise and psychological insight with a rock-solid business approach. She works at top level with FTSE 100 companies and leading professional firms to provide both one-to-one and group coaching in key areas relating to interpersonal communication and image projection. Coming from diverse backgrounds including accountancy, law, construction, and telecommunications, Elizabeth’s clients consistently achieve their goals and have fun getting there. Her keys to communication are based on the simple principle of demonstrating respect, establishing rapport, and achieving results.
A highly entertaining speaker, Elizabeth is a popular choice on the conference circuit, and is often quoted in the media addressing issues concerning confidence, voice, body language, and communication skills – all the ingredients that create a positive impact.
For further information about Elizabeth, visit her website at www.kuhnke communication.com.
Author’s Acknowledgements
They say you should be careful what you dream for, as it may come true. When I wrote the first edition of Body Language For Dummies, I harboured an unspoken dream that the book would be a runaway bestseller with translations across the globe. My dream came true – and then some! Apps, DVDs, enhanced e-books, and international speaking engagements all followed.
Thank you, Kate, for introducing me to the wonderful world of Wiley, and for helping me to surpass my goals. My thanks also go to Kaiser Karl, whom I love with all my heart, for supporting me in weird and wonderful ways; to my precious angels, Max and Kristina, who bring me peaceful love and nurturing challenges; to Katie and Charlotte, who keep me on track and bring joy to my days; to Tom, who keeps his eye on the pounds and pennies; and to Kerry, Steve, Jo, and the whole For Dummies crew. You’re stars.
Most of what you read in these chapters I have learned from valued colleagues, clients, friends, and family members. To name them all would take more pages than I am allowed, so those of you who know me, know you’re in my heart as I write these words. Finally, to you, my readers. My wish for you is that you enjoy the read, gain some knowledge, and free your expressive bodies in the name of clear, congruent communication.
Publisher’s Acknowledgements
We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments at http://dummies.custhelp.com. For other comments, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 877-762-2974, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3993, or fax 317-572-4002.
Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:
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Body Language For Dummies®, 2nd Edition
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Table of Contents
Introduction
Body language speaks more loudly than any words you can ever utter. Whether you’re telling people that you love them, you’re angry with them, or don’t care about them, your body movements reveal your thoughts, moods and attitudes. Both consciously and sub-consciously, your body tells observers what’s really going on with you.
All day, every day, your body is relaying messages about your attitude, your mood and your general state of being. You can determine what messages you relay by the way you use your body.
Although body language began with our ancient ancestors and long before vocal sounds turned into sophisticated words, phrases and paragraphs, only in the last 60 years or so has body language been seriously studied. During that time, people have come to appreciate the value of body language as a tool for enhancing interpersonal communication. Politicians, actors and high-profile individuals recognise the part that their bodies play in conveying their messages.
Each chapter of this book addresses a specific aspect of body language. In addition to focusing on individual body parts and the role they play in communicating your thoughts, feelings and attitude, you discover how to interpret other people’s body language, giving you an insight into their mental state before they may be aware of it themselves. Remember that you need to read body language in clusters and context. One gesture doesn’t a story tell any more than does one word.
By performing specific actions and gestures, you can create corresponding mental states. By practising the gestures, you experience the positive impact of body language and discover how to create the image you want. You may actually become the person you want to be.
Are you ready? Read on.
About This Book
For a subject that’s relatively new to the study of evolution and social behaviour, you can find a sizeable amount of research on body language. As businesses expand across the globe and international travel is more accessible than ever before, people are recognising the impact of culture, gender and religious customs on body language and communication. While I’ve written the second edition of Body Language For Dummies from a mostly English-speaking western perspective, Chapter 15 has been expanded to include body language in different cultures – what’s acceptable and what could cause offence. Because of the vastness of the subject, I’ve been selective in what I’ve chosen to include and focused on using body language to enhance your non-verbal communication for your personal and business relationships.
In this book I explain ways of recognising and identifying specific gestures, actions and expressions that convey and support both the spoken and non-spoken message. By improving your reading of body language, understanding how your body conveys messages and recognising how mood and attitude are reflected in your gestures and expressions, you have the upper hand in your interpersonal communications. By recognising and responding to body signals, you can direct the flow of the conversation and facilitate meetings easily and effectively. I show you the impact of thoughts and feelings on gestures and expressions – both yours as well as others.
The point of the book is for you to become conscious of body language, whether it’s your own or that of other people. The book is also intended to help you interpret gestures, movements and expressions. Finally, this book identifies the signs and signals you can send out to enhance your communication.
Conventions Used in This Book
This book is a jargon-free zone. When I introduce a new term, I italicise it and then define it. The only other conventions in this book are that Web and email addresses are in monofont and the action part of numbered steps and the key concepts in a list are in bold. I alternate between using female and male pronouns in odd- and even-numbered chapters to be fair to both the men and women who read through these pages.
Foolish Assumptions
I assume, perhaps wrongly, that you:
Are interested in body language and know a little bit about it
Want to improve your interpersonal communications
Are willing to reflect and respond
Expect the best
How This Book is Organised
The cool thing about the For Dummies books is that you can dip in and out as you please. You don’t need to read the first chapter to understand the last and if you read the last chapter first you won’t ruin the story. The table of contents and index can help you find what you need. If you prefer to just dive in, please do – there’s water in the pool. Read on for what lies ahead.
Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
In this part I explore the foundations of body language, the silent communicator. You discover the origins of body language, how it evolved and the impact it has on all your communications and relationships.
Part II: Starting at the Top
Focusing on the head and its parts and positions, I continue exploring body language and the messages it conveys. You discover how the tilt of your head, the lift of your brow and the tremble of your lip reveal more than the words that tumble from your mouth.
Part III: The Trunk: Limbs and Roots
In this part I explore the impact of your posture on your thinking, attitudes and perceptions. You see how feelings, behaviour and perceptions are intertwined. I look at the body’s limbs, its arms, legs, feet, hands and fingers and how their movements reflect inner states and create impressions. Finally, you see how your accessories add to the picture of who you are.
Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
In this part you discover how to gesture effectively and appropriately according to the situation you’re in. You find out where to place and position yourself for greatest effect. You discover how to read and reveal signs of interest and dismissal and how to engage with a possible romantic partner. Back at the office, you discover the power positions and how to demonstrate confidence and positive impact.
Addressing cultural diversity, you get a glimpse into behaviours different from your own and pick up adaptive strategies for avoiding potential pitfalls.
Part V: The Part of Tens
If you’re keen to get a handle on body language quickly and concisely, start with Part V. Stop here if you want top ten tips for spotting when someone’s being economical with the truth. I also show you how to enlarge your fan base and engage with your admirers. For developing your skills as a silent communicator, gaining self-awareness and honing your observation skills, this is the place to be.
Icons Used in This Book
For sharpening your thinking and focusing your attention, let these icons be your guide.
This icon highlights stories to entertain and inform you about people I know, or people I’ve observed and the clues they’ve revealed through body language.
Here’s a chance for you to stand back and observe without being seen. By distancing yourself and taking a bird’s eye view, you can watch how others behave and reflect on the outcome.
This icon underscores a valuable point to keep in mind.
These are practical and immediate remedies for honing your body language skills.
Here, you can have a go at putting theory into practice. Some of the practical exercises are designed to enhance your image and create an impact.
Where to Go from Here
Although all the material in this book is designed to support you in being yourself at your best, not all the information may be pertinent to your specific needs or interests. Read what you want, when you want. You don’t have to read the book in order, nor is there a sell by date for covering the material.
If you’re interested in how body language conveys messages, begin with Part I. If you’re seeking to improve your body language for a job interview or for playing the political and corporate game at work, have a look at Chapter 14. If you’re curious about facial expressions have a look at Chapter 4. And if you want to know how to behave appropriately in cultures different from yours, turn to Chapter 15.
Now, flip to a page, chapter, or section that interests you and read away. Feel free to dip and dive from section to section and page to page. Most importantly, enjoy the read.
Part I
In the Beginning Was the Gesture
In this part . . .
Here’s where we explore the foundations of body language, the way of silently communicating that can improve your impact factor and relationships once you grasp the basics. In this part, we go back in time to the origins of body language, how it’s evolved, and its ability to reveal thoughts, feelings, and attitudes.
Chapter 1
Defining Body Language
In This Chapter
Finding out how body language speaks for you
Gesturing for a purpose
Understanding what you’re communicating
The science of body language is a fairly recent study, dating primarily from around 60 years ago, although body language itself is, of course, as old as humans. Psychologists, zoologists and social anthropologists have conducted detailed research into the components of body language – part of the larger family known as non-verbal behaviour.
If you’re quiet for a moment and take the time to pay attention to body language movements and expressions that silently communicate messages of their own, you can cue in on gestures that convey a feeling and transmit a thought. If you pay close attention, you can identify gestures that you automatically associate with another person, which tell you who she is. In addition, you may notice other types of gestures that reveal a person’s inner state at that moment.
In this chapter, you discover how to interpret non-verbal language, exploring the gestures and actions that reveal thoughts, attitudes and emotions. Also, you have a quick glance at some of the research into this unspoken language and recognise similarities and differences throughout the world. In addition, you find out how you can use gestures to enhance your relationships and improve your communication.
Discovering How Body Language Conveys Messages
When cave-dwellers discovered how to decipher grunts and to create words to convey their message, their lives became a lot more complex. Before verbal communication, they relied on their bodies to communicate. Their simple brains informed their faces, torsos and limbs. They instinctively knew that fear, surprise, love, hunger and annoyance were different attitudes requiring different gestures. Emotions were less complex then, and so were the gestures.
Speech is a relatively new introduction to the communication process and is mainly used to convey information, including facts and data. Body language, on the other hand, has been around forever. Without relying on the spoken word for confirmation, the body’s movements convey feelings, attitudes and emotions. Like it or not, your body language, or non-verbal behaviour, says more about you, your attitudes, moods and emotions, than you may want to reveal.
According to research conducted by Professor Albert Mehrabian of the University of California, Los Angeles, 55 per cent of the emotional message in face-to-face communication results from body language. You only have to experience any of the following gestures or expressions to know how true the expression is, ‘Actions speak louder than words’:
Someone pointing her finger at you
A warm embrace
A finger wagging in your face
A child’s pout
A lover’s frown
A parent’s look of worry
An exuberant smile
Your hand placed over your heart
Figure 1-1 shows two different gestures conveying two very different messages.
Figure 1-1:A pointing finger and hand over the heart convey different messages.
Projecting an image in the first 30 seconds
You can tell within the first seven seconds of meeting someone how she feels about herself by the expression on her face and the way she moves her body. Whether she knows it or not, she’s transmitting messages through her gestures and actions (check out the Body Language For Dummies app for an example).
You walk into a room of strangers and from their stance, movements and expressions, you receive messages about their feelings, moods, attitudes and emotions. Look at the teenage girl standing in the corner. From her slouching shoulders, her lowered head and the way her hands fidget over her stomach, you can tell that this little wallflower is lacking in self-confidence.
Another young woman in this room of strangers is standing in a group of contemporaries. Her eyes twinkle, she throws her head back as she laughs, her hands and arms move freely and openly and her feet are planted firmly beneath her, hip width apart. This woman is projecting an image of self- confidence and joie de vivre that draws people to her.
Early observations about body language
Before the 20th century, a few forays were made into identifying and analysing movement and gesture. The first known written work exclusively addressing body language is John Bulwer’s Chirologia: or the Natural Language of the Hand, published in 1644. By the 19th century, directors and teachers of drama and pantomime were instructing their actors and students how to convey emotion and attitude through movement and gesture.
In The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals (1872), Charles Darwin discusses the connection between humans, apes and monkeys. These species use similar facial expressions, inherited by a common ancestor, to express certain emotions. Out of Darwin’s work grew an interest in ethology, the study of animal behaviour.
In the late 1960s, Desmond Morris created a sensation when his interpretations of human behaviour, based on ethological research, were published in The Naked Ape and Manwatching. Further publications and media presentations continue to reveal how much our non-verbal behaviour is based on our animal nature.
How you position your head, shoulders, torso, arms, hands, legs and feet, and how your eyes, mouth, fingers and toes move, tell an observer more about your state of being, including your attitude, emotions, thoughts and feelings, than any words you can say.
Transmitting messages unconsciously
Although you’re capable of choosing gestures and actions to convey a particular message, your body also sends out signals without your conscious awareness. Dilated or contracted eye pupils and the unconscious movements of your hands and feet are examples of signals that reveal an inner emotion that the person signalling may prefer to conceal. For example, if you notice that the pupils of someone’s eyes are dilated, and you know that she’s not under the influence of drugs, you’d be correct in assuming that whatever she’s looking at is giving her pleasure. If the pupils are contracted, the opposite is true.
Be careful when ascribing feelings and attitudes based on body language as individual signals can be easily overlooked or misidentified if they’re taken out of their social context, or if they’re not identified as part of a cluster of gestures involving other parts of the body.
At times in life, you may want to conceal your thoughts and feelings, so you behave in a way that you believe hides what’s going on inside. And yet, wouldn’t you know it, out pops a slight giveaway gesture, often invisible to the untrained eye, sending a signal that all’s not what it appears. Just because these micro gestures and expressions are fleeting doesn’t mean that they’re not powerful.
In the 1970s, Paul Ekman and W V Friesen developed the Facial Action Coding System (FACS) to measure, describe and interpret facial behaviours. This instrument is designed to measure even the slightest facial muscle contractions and determine what category or categories each facial action fits into. It can detect what the naked eye can’t and is used by law enforcement agencies, film animators and researches of human behaviour.
University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) Professor Albert Mehrabian’s classic study of how messages are received and responded to during face-to-face communication, when discussing feelings and emotions, shows that when an incongruity exists between the spoken word and how you deliver it, 7 per cent of the message is conveyed through your words, 38 per cent is revealed through your vocal quality and a whopping 55 per cent of your message comes through your gestures, expression and posture. Mehrabian’s premise is that the way people communicate is inseparable from the feelings that they project, consciously or not, in daily social interactions. Although some people contest Mehrabian’s figures, the point remains that body language and vocal quality significantly contribute to the meaning of the message and determine the effectiveness of our relationships.
Arthur is the chief executive of a global telecoms company. Highly accomplished and rewarded for his successes, he still harbours some self-doubt and insecurity. This uncertainty is particularly evident when he’s making formal presentations. He holds a pad of paper in front of himself as if it were a protective shield. When he’s unsure of the word he wants to use, he quickly and briefly rubs the skin under his nose with his index finger. When he moves from one point to the next in his presentation, he quickly taps his forehead with his left index finger as if to remind himself that he’s about to move to the next point. Seeing himself on DVD, he recognised how these meaningless gestures were revealing his lack of security and how uncomfortable he feels in front of a large audience. By visualising himself presenting at his best and modelling specific behaviours of presenters who Arthur thinks are excellent, he developed ways of eliminating his unconscious negative gestures.
Substituting behaviour for the spoken word
Sometimes a gesture is more effective in conveying a message than any words you can use. Signals expressing love and support, pleasure and pain, fear, loathing and disappointment are clear to decipher and require few, if any, words for clarification. Approval, complicity or insults are commonly communicated without a sound passing between lips. By frowning, smiling, or turning your back on another person, your gestures need no words to clarify their meaning.
When words aren’t enough or the word mustn’t be spoken out loud, you gesture to convey your meaning. Some examples are:
Putting your index finger in front of your mouth while at the same time pursing your lips is a common signal for silence.
Putting your hand up sharply with your fingers held tightly together and your palm facing forward means ‘Stop!’.
Winking at another person hints at a little secret between the two of you.
Figure 1-2 illustrates these behaviours, and Figure 1-3 shows another example of a situation in which words just aren’t enough.
Figure 1-2: Using gesture to convey your meaning.
When Libby, the well loved and highly successful Artistic Director of the Oregon Shakespeare Festival was honoured for her years of service, she felt proud and humbled. Looking around the room filled with colleagues, friends and major financial contributors, Libby placed her right hand over her heart as she thanked them all for their years of support, belief and dedication. Around the room, many people’s eyes were moist and they held their fingers to their lips to prevent themselves from crying out loud. Libby’s hand to her heart reflected her deeply felt appreciation.
Figure 1-3: These people are witnessing something that has shocked them. Open mouths and hand positions show how people attempt to keep emotions in check.
Gesturing to illustrate what you’re saying
When you describe an object, you frequently use gestures to illustrate what the object is like. Your listener finds it easier to understand what you’re saying when you let your body create a picture of the object rather than relying on words alone. If you’re describing a round object, like a ball, for example, you may hold your hands in front of yourself with your fingers arched upward and your thumbs pointing down. Describing a square building, you may draw vertical and horizontal lines with a flat hand, cutting through the space like a knife. If you’re telling someone about a turbulent ride on a boat or plane, your arms and hands may beat up and down in rhythmic fashion. Describing a large object may entail holding your arms out wide. If you’re illustrating a small point, you may hold your fingers close together (see Figure 1-4). The point is that gesturing is a useful means of conveying visual information.
Figure 1-4: Gestures help clarify your message.
Because some people take in information more effectively by seeing what’s being described, illustrating your message through gestures helps create a clear picture for them. To help a blind person experience what you’re describing, hold her hands in the appropriate position.
Lotsie, my daughter’s godmother, is a world explorer and frequently speaks to students about her adventures. As Lotsie was describing her climb up Mount Kilimanjaro, she acted out those moments when the air felt so thin that she was hardly able to breathe and when she struggled to put one foot in front of the other. She mimed leaning on her walking stick, bending over with the weight of her equipment, gasping for air and pausing between shuffled steps as she put one foot in front of the other. Her gestures painted the combined picture of a woman who was both fit and exhausted.
Physically supporting the spoken word
Gesturing can add emphasis to your voice, clarify your meaning and give impact to your message. Whether your point requires a gentle approach, or a firm telling off, your body’s instinct is to reflect and move in harmony with the emotion.
In addition to reinforcing your message, hand signals especially reflect your desire for your message to be taken seriously. Watch a well-schooled politician standing at the podium. See how their hands move in a precise, controlled manner (see Figure 1-5). No wasted gestures, just those specific ones that paint a clear picture and accurately convey the message.
Figure 1-5: Clear, sharp gestures let the audience know that you mean business.
When you’re making a formal presentation, use illustrative gestures to help your audience remember the points you’re making.
During the introduction to your presentation, as you establish the points to be covered, list them separately on your fingers. You may hold your fingers up in front of you, or touch them individually on one hand with a finger from your other hand as you say the point. (Note: Many British and American people begin counting with their index finger. Many Europeans begin counting with their thumb. See Chapter 15 for more on cultural differences in body language.) When talking about point one in your presentation, point to the first finger, or gesture to it; when you reach point two, point or gesture to your second finger, and so on.
Experienced lawyers, celebrities and anyone in the public arena are also adept at emphasising their messages through considered movements and gestures. By carefully timing, focusing and controlling their actions, moving in synchronicity with their spoken words and responding appropriately to the atmosphere in their environment, they court and woo the people they want and dismiss others with aplomb.
Observe movie stars and celebrities at red carpet events as well as politicians at global conferences and notice what messages they’re conveying through their body language.
When you’re giving bad news and want to soften the blow, adapt your body language to reflect empathy. Move close to the person you’re comforting and tilt your body towards hers (see Figure 1-6). You may even touch her on the hand or arm or place your arm around her shoulder.
Figure 1-6: Empathic gestures create a feeling of care and concern.
Revealing thoughts, attitudes and beliefs
You don’t have to tell people how you’re feeling for them to know. Look at Rodin’s sculpture of The Thinker. There can be no doubt about that person’s state of mind: thoughtful, serious and contemplative. Equally so is a child throwing a tantrum with stomping feet, clenched fists and a screwed up face is letting you know that she’s not happy.
Think of your body as if it were a movie screen. The information to be projected is inside you and your body is the vehicle onto which the information is displayed. Whether you’re anxious, excited, happy or sad, your body shows the world what’s going on inside. Here are some examples:
People who feel threatened or unsure of themselves touch themselves as a means of self-comfort or self-restraint. Gestures, such as rubbing their foreheads, crossing their arms and holding or rubbing their fingers in front of their mouths, provide comfort and protection (see Figure 1-7).
People who perform specific gestures reserved for religious rituals reveal their beliefs and values. Upon entering a Catholic church, the congregation dip their fingers into holy water and cross themselves. Before entering the home of many Jewish people, you may touch the mezuzah by the front door. Muslims bow in prayer facing east. By performing these gestures, people are demonstrating their respect for the culture, its traditions and values. See Chapter 15 for more about cultural differences and body language.
People in a state of elation often breathe in deeply and gesture outwards with expanded arms. Pictures of winning sportspeople frequently show them in the open position with their arms extended, their heads thrown back and their mouths and eyes opened in ecstasy.
Footballers who miss the penalty kick and city traders who get their numbers wrong often walk dejectedly with their heads down and their hands clasped behind their necks. The hand position is a comforting gesture and the head facing downwards shows that the individual’s upset.
People in despair, or feeling down and depressed, reveal their thoughts and attitudes by the slouch in their step, their drooping heads and their downward cast eyes. Positive people, on the other hand, reveal their thoughts and attitudes with an upright stance, a bounce in their step and eyes that appear lively and engaged.
Not every bent head signals depression. Sometimes it just means that you’re reflecting, thinking or absorbing information. If you’re demonstrating the behaviour of someone who’s thinking hard, your head most likely rests in your hand or on your fingertips, like Rodin’s The Thinker. You can find out more about body language and mental states in Persuasion & Influence For Dummies by Elizabeth Kuhnke (Wiley).
Figure 1-7: These two men are telling us they’re holding back and seeking comfort.
At Peter and Louise’s wedding anniversary celebrations, Peter stood up to toast his wife and children. As he raised his glass to the family members, his feelings for them were clear. By the way he slightly leaned forward toward his son, Sebastian, you were able to sense the great warmth and tenderness he held for him. As he turned to his daughter Olivia, to express his amazement at her joyous spirit, he slightly lifted his head and tossed it back. When he turned to gaze at his wife, Louise, his eyes softened and a gentle smile played at the sides of his mouth. He stood upright, held his arm forward and raised his glass high in a display of love and appreciation for his family.
Noticing your own body language
My husband suggested that people may only demonstrate body language when someone else is around to see and respond to it. I found that an interesting thought and retired to my office to consider the implications on my own. As I sat at my desk reflecting on what he said, I noticed I was leaning back in my chair with my head tilted upwards, one arm folded over my body supporting the elbow of my other arm. My chin was resting lightly on my thumb as my index finger gently stroked my cheek. I couldn’t help but think of the saying about falling trees in the forest making noise if no one’s around to hear it.
Holding your hands over or near your heart, as shown in Figure 1-8, is an expression of how much something means to you.
Figure 1-8: The hands over the heart, the tilted head and the open smile indicate appreciation.
Examining Key Types of Gestures
Humans are blessed with the ability to create a wide variety of gestures and expressions from the top of the head to the tips of the toes. Gestures can show intention, such as leaning forward just before rising out of a chair; as well as showing no intention, such as crossing arms and legs. Some gestures belong to you, because you’ve become identifiable by them. Some gestures are displacement gestures: you perform them for no reason other than to shift some energy. Some gestures are specific to local customs and some are universal gestures that everyone does.
Unintentional gestures
Unintentional gestures are behaviours that inhibit your ability to act. The unintentional gestures imply that you have no intention of moving from where you are. They hold you back, won’t let you go and your body says that you’re not budging. And no amount of outside influence to get you to move is going to succeed.
Examples of unintentional gestures are:
Folded arms
Lips pressed together
A hand or finger in front of the mouth
Crossed legs
These actions all keep you in place. You can’t walk when your legs are crossed. You can’t speak with your hand in front of your mouth. You can’t reach out when your arms are crossed in front of you.
Standing or sitting with your legs crossed is no position to take if you want to get somewhere quickly. The scissor stance is a prime example of a gesture that keeps you in your place. One leg is crossed over the other, rendering you immobile (see Figure 1-9). When someone adopts this position you know she’s staying put.
Figure 1-9: The finger over the mouth, the arm across the body and the scissored legs indicate that she’s holding back.
Because the scissor stance contains no sign of impatience, the gesture can come across as submissive. The person has no forward movement in her body as does the body of a person about to take action. The person who acts is usually considered to be dominant. Therefore, the person who stays put is usually considered to be submissive.
Signature gestures: Gestures that define who you are
A signature gesture is one that you become known by, a common gesture that you perform in a particular way. Some examples are:
Twirling your hair around your finger
Thumb sucking
Eyebrow patting
Throat stroking
These gestures give us clues into the person’s personality.
Signature gestures set you apart from all others. Think Napoleon Bonaparte and his mighty stance (see Figure 1-10) – on the canvas, not the battlefield. Standing with his hand tucked into his waistcoat, he looks the picture of pride and authority. Who knows if he ever really stood in that position. The artist created the image and we believe the artist.
One of Diana, Princess of Wales’s most vividly remembered signature gesture’s was the lowered head with her eyes looking upward from underneath her eyebrows. This look is commonly referred to as the Shy Di look (see Figure 1-11).
Sophie is a delightful woman in her early twenties. Pretty, vivacious and polite, Sophie’s signature gesture is thumb-sucking. I first noticed this gesture when she spent several days at our home. Curled up on the couch, Sophie slipped her right thumb into her mouth, lightly rubbing her nose with her index finger. Claire, a woman in her forties, also sucks her thumb. Her variation on this gesture is a small piece of soft fabric that she rubs in the palm of her cupped hand. Both women are indicating a need for nurturing and succour by this gesture.
Figure 1-10: The Bonaparte pose conveys stature and authority.
Figure 1-11: A downward tilted head and upcast eyes looks vulnerable and pleading.
Martyn is a quiet, thoughtful, focused man. His boss, Annie, is highly energetic with a mind that skips and leaps from one project to the next. Frequently, Annie asks Martyn to do one task, only to interrupt his concentration by asking him to do something else, often unrelated. When Martyn pats his eyebrows with the tips of his fingers, Annie knows that the time’s come for her to back off and let him get on with what he has to do.
Some examples of signature gestures can be seen in a person’s:
Posture
Smile
Hand clap
Pointing finger
Clothes tugging
Some sportspeople perform specific actions as an anchor to get them grounded and focus their energy. Before serving, the tennis player Rafael Nadal tugs at the back of his shorts. This gesture is so closely associated with this gifted sportsman that other players have been known to mock him on the courts and in the dressing rooms by performing it in front of him.
By recognising signature gestures, you can tell what kind of person you’re dealing with. Certain gestures, like clapping the hands together once, show a mind that’s organised. The hair twirling gesture indicates that the person may be a day dreamer. When you successfully read the signs, you can figure out how best to interact with the person.
If you want to be easily identified and remembered, you can create your own signature gesture. Victoria Beckham’s sexily defiant pout has become her signature gesture, as has Hugh Grant’s foppish head toss.
Spotting fake gestures: Pulling the wool
Fake gestures are designed to camouflage conceal and fool. They deliberately point you in one direction to make you believe something that isn’t so. Fake gestures pretend to be something when they’re actually something else.
You’re able to tell a fake gesture from a real one because some of the real gesture’s parts are missing.
Some gestures that are commonly faked are:
Smiling
Frowning
Sighing
Crying
Holding your body as if in pain
Anna is a highly motivated recently qualified lawyer in a large London firm. She knows that, in part, her success depends on her ability to get on well with clients and colleagues. One day, her supervising partner invited her to attend a client meeting and to put together the remaining briefs that a previous trainee had begun and hadn’t had time to finish. Anna, already overloaded with work, stayed at the office until well past midnight. In spite of little sleep and over an hour’s commute that morning, she arrived, shortly before the meeting’s 8 a.m. start looking smart and ready to go. At one point during the session, the client remarked that some information seemed to be missing. The partner shot Anna a glance of annoyance before covering up his feelings with the hearty remark, ‘Well, she’s new on the job. We’ll let her get away with it just this once.’ To cover her fury and shame, Anna put on what she calls her ‘smiley face’, a big toothy grin and offered to find the missing materials. Anna’s teeth were clenched, and her eyes didn’t crinkle (a sign of a sincere smile). She was tired, hurt and humiliated and anyone paying attention would have seen she was giving a fake grin.
You can’t spot a true emotion by one gesture or expression alone. Look for all the signs. Fake gestures are meant to deceive.
Micro gestures: A little gesture means a lot
Teeny weeny, so small that they sometimes take highly specialised equipment to see them, micro gestures are flashes of emotion that flicker across your face faster than a hummingbird, revealing feelings that you may prefer to keep to yourself. These gestures aren’t ones that you purposely choose. Micro gestures give a brief hint of what’s going on inside. You choose to smile, wave and rise from a chair. You don’t choose to have a micro gesture flicker across your face. No one is immune to them.
A list of the more common micro gestures include:
Movement around the mouth
Tension at the eyes
Flaring of the nose
Mark and Liz met at a party. They were immediately attracted to one another. They stood easily in the other’s intimate space. Their facial gestures were controlled, but the occasional flicker around Liz’s eyes and hint of a smile around Mark’s mouth gave the impression that a frisson existed between the two. Friends and family members recognised the signs and frequently ask about how the relationship between Liz and Mark is progressing.
Displacement gestures
When you’re feeling conflicting emotions, you may engage in gestures that have no relation to your immediate goals. These behaviours are mostly self-directed and serve to release excess energy and gain a feeling of comfort, even if only temporary. Drumming fingers, flicking feet, going for a glass of water when you’re not even thirsty – these are the behaviours of someone who’s looking to burn some pent up energy, or at least, refocus it. Called displacement activities, they’re a conduit for excess energy that’s looking for a place to go.
Some examples of displacement gestures are:
Fiddling with objects
Tugging at your earlobe
Straightening your clothes
Stroking your chin
Running your fingers through your hair
Eating
Smoking
Some smokers light up a cigarette, take a puff or two and then put it out or leave it in the ashtray barely smoked. These people may not actually want the cigarette, but need a gesture to take their mind off something else.
I knew the time had come to stop smoking when I had three cigarettes on the go in a four-room apartment. I was working in New York, living on my own, making barely enough to pay my monthly bills and wondering what I was doing with my life. I was frustrated and feeling anxious. One morning, while I was in the kitchen making coffee, I lit up a cigarette. When the phone rang, I answered it in the living room, leaving the cigarette burning in the kitchen. While speaking on the phone to my soon-to-be ex-husband, I lit another cigarette which, after a drag or two, I stubbed out in the ashtray on my desk. I went to the bathroom to get ready for work. Here, too, I lit a cigarette, which I occasionally puffed on as I applied my make-up. In the course of less than ten minutes I had lit three cigarettes, none of which I was interested in smoking and all of which were props for displacing nervous anxiety.
Rather than stating their feelings verbally, people demonstrating displacement activities are letting their gestures reveal their emotion.
Prince Charles is noted for fiddling with his cufflinks. He crosses his arm over his body and touches his cufflinks in a protective and reassuring gesture. The Prince is displacing his anxiety by making contact with his cufflinks. On honeymoon with Diana, the late Princess of Wales, Charles is purported to have worn cufflinks given to him by his true love and now wife, the Duchess of Cornwall. No wonder that his young bride was upset when she discovered this wedding gift of gold cufflinks with entwined Cs; especially when she saw him fondling them.
Words convey information. Gestures reveal attitude. If someone’s feeling anxious, she may fiddle with her keys, twist the ring on her finger or pull at her clothes to compensate for her anxiety.
If you see someone under pressure and being scrutinised, look to see what her hands are doing. If she’s gently rubbing her stomach, you may assume that she’s feeling the pressure and is calming and comforting himself, the way you comfort a baby or sick child.
Universal gestures
Universal gestures, such as blushing, smiling and the wide-eyed expression of fear, mean the same thing across world cultures. These gestures stem from human biological make-up, which is why you can recognise them spanning the globe. See Chapter 15 for more about gestures across cultures.
Smiling
From the sands of Iraq to the shores of Malibu, humans are born with the ability to smile. From the earliest days in an infant’s life, her facial muscles can form the upward turn of the lips and the crinkling around the outer edges of the eyes to create a recognisable smile.
Sure, each person may have her own unique way of smiling. The point remains that anyone with working facial muscles who’s conveying a positive message lifts her lips in pleasure (see Figure 1-12).
When you see the sides of the lips turned up and the eyes crinkling at their outer edges, count on that smile being genuine in showing pleasure.
Figure 1-12:A genuine smile engages the muscles around the mouth and eyes.
The Japanese smile in embarrassment as well as pleasure. Young women giggle behind their hands. Don’t expect the Japanese to respond to your humour with a raucous, belly laugh. See Chapter 15 for more on smiling and laughing in different cultures.
Blushing
If you blush, your embarrassment’s showing. The blood flows to your chest and cheeks, and you want to drop down and hide. Whether you’re in Thailand, Afghanistan, the United Kingdom or another other country across the globe, when you see someone blush you know they’re being consumed with embarrassment.
To control the blushing take several slow, deep breaths from your diaphragm to steady your nerves and control the blood flow. For more about how breathing can help control nervous energy, see Persuasion & Influence For Dummies by Elizabeth Kuhnke (Wiley).
My Aunt MarNell lives in Dallas, Texas and is the perfect combination of cowgirl and southern belle. When Dad, MarNell’s only sibling and adored brother, raised his glass in special toast to her at a recent family reunion, her cheeks flushed like a shy young girl’s.
Crying
Crying is a universal sign of sadness. One of a healthy infant’s first actions is to let out a walloping great cry when she first enters this world, having been torn from the comfort and safety of her mother’s womb. No one had to teach her how to cry, she was born with the innate ability to express her upset. . .
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