Dating For Dummies E-Book

Joy Browne

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Seitenzahl: 766

Beschreibung

Trusted guidance on meeting Ms. or Mr. Right With new and updated content, Dating For Dummies, 3rd Edition includes all the information you'll need for navigating the contemporary, social media driven dating scene where women and men Google potential dates beforehand, Tweet after, and even meet on Facebook. You'll find all you need to use these social media sites and take advantage of the ever-expanding ways to socialize, flirt, and date in the 21st century. With dating advice for singletons in all stages of life (including baby boomers), you'll get the confidence to date someone who is significantly older or younger, someone who has been previously married, or someone with children. Author Dr. Joy Browne, America's favorite psychologist, demystifies the whole dating process, from getting a date, plotting the place, and having a great time (or dealing with duds) to moving beyond a first date toward a budding relationship. * Confidence boosters to help meet, date, and start a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Right * Safe tips and advice on using social networks like Facebook and Twitter to meet new people * The latest tips about dealing with money matters and dating diversity If you're looking for a fun Saturday night date or a happily-ever-after mate, Dating For Dummies is the guide for you!

Leseprobe

Dating For Dummies®

Visit www.dummies.com/cheatsheet/dating to view this book's cheat sheet.

Table of Contents

Introduction

About This Book

Conventions Used in This Book

What’s Not Required Reading

Assumptions about You

How This Book Is Organized

Part I: The Starring Roles: Who Am I and Whom Do I Want?

Part II: Setting Up the Date

Part III: The Big Day: Preparation and Action

Part IV: The Day After and Beyond

Part V: Playing It Safe and Keeping It Fresh

Part VI: The Part of Tens

Appendix

Icons Used in This Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I: The Starring Roles: Who Am I and Whom Do I Want?

Chapter 1: Thoroughly Modern Dating

Scoping Out the Changing Dating World

Speed bumps

Changing definitions of marriage: When and why

Fantasies and realities

Terrorism, war, and recession

Gadgets, gadgets everywhere!

Money matters

Sex

Safety

Dating in the Age of Facebook

Privacy versus publicity: Protection or prudery?

Avoiding the nostalgia trip trap

Computer common sense

Being aware of the pitfalls of “friending” a date

Dealing with Specialized Dating Situations

One of you is a lot older or younger

You’re different

You’re gay

You’re in a long-distance relationship

You’re involved in an office romance

You’re a single parent

You’re dating your best friend’s ex

You’re dating your relative’s ex

You’re a senior

You’re married

Keeping a Dating Notebook

Chapter 2: Being Confident

Handling Fear

Winning the Confidence Game

Appearing confident

Confidence on the inside

Confidence on the outside

Confidence builders

When you’re confident enough to date

False Confidence

Chapter 3: Polishing Your Social Self

Self-Assessment 101

Three-Heart Ideas

Taking yourself off house arrest

Making friends

Two-Heart Ideas

Charm practice

Reading the personals

Writing a personal ad for practice or real

One-Heart Ideas

Making a good first impression

Considering a mini-makeover

Learning from past experiences

Turning your fantasy self to reality

Broken Heart Ideas

Comparing yourself to others

Throwing pity parties

Vowing never again

Beating yourself up

Beating up Mom

Putting yourself under house arrest

Whining

Chapter 4: Finding Out What Makes You Tick

Starting with Mom and Dad

How Mom and Dad can still ground you

Escaping parental haunting

Looking for Patterns

Who Am I?

Describing an Ideal Match

Being the real you

A personal ad with no purse strings attached

Figuring Out If the Time Is Right for You

The wrong time

The right time

Chapter 5: The Per fect Date: Person and Place

A Word about Attitude — Yours

Searching for the Best Places to Meet Someone

The halls of academia

The people in your neighborhood

Parties, vacations, and other fun stuff

Grocery stores, bus stops, and other public places

Spirituality and altruism — a dating duo

Good sports win big

Friends, relatives, and — believe it or not — exes

The personals: Online and off

Avoiding Certain Places like the Plague

Planning a Cool Approach

The eyes have it

From your mouth . . .

Admitting you’re not perfect

Perking up pick-up lines

Part II: Setting Up the Date

Chapter 6: Asking for a Date

Risking Rejection

Improving Your Odds

Never ask for a first date for a Friday or Saturday night

Never say, “Would you like to go out sometime?”

Always offer options about the date

Remember that timing is everything

Always go for it if you’re having a good hair (or anything else) day

The Invitation: Sending the Message

Knowing What to Do with the Answer You Receive

Dealing with a no

Getting some feedback

Asking for a Phone Number

You want to get in touch with the person

You want to keep your options open

You’re not interested but don’t want to be rude

Giving Your Phone Number

You’d like to see the person again

You’re not sure whether you’re interested

No way, Jose

Deciding whether to give out your home phone number

Talking Once You’re on the Phone

Chapter 7: Plotting the Perfect (Sorta) First Date

Ten Rules for Planning a First Date

Rule 1: Pick an activity that you enjoy

Rule 2: Pick an activity that you can easily afford

Rule 3: Do something that doesn’t require new clothes

Rule 4: Go where you can talk without getting thrown out

Rule 5: Go to a place that’s easy to get to

Rule 6: Do something that isn’t competitive

Rule 7: Pick an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of alcohol

Rule 8: Leave time to get to know each other

Rule 9: Do something that doesn’t involve high-ticket others

Rule 10: Find an activity that doesn’t last more than a couple of hours

Exploring First Date Ideas

Good places for a first date

So-so ideas

Places and things to avoid

Doing the Restaurant Thing the Right Way

General considerations

Specific considerations

Who Pays?

Part III: The Big Day: Preparation and Action

Chapter 8: Getting Your Outside Ready

Suiting Up

Dressing for real-world dates

Bearing other factors in mind

Putting together an emergency repair kit

Cleanliness Is Next to Dateliness

Don’t sweat it

Hair apparent

D-day hygiene checklist

Taking Care of Business: Practical Details before You Leave Home

Time

Transportation

Money

Directions

One Final Checklist

Ten Minutes to Lift-Off

Chapter 9: Getting Your Inside Ready

Understanding the Psychology of Stress

The stress wall

Creating chaos

Easing Your Mind

Mind over what’s-the-matter

Looking at every dater’s fears

Relaxing into your sweet self

Relaxing Your Body

Step 1: Heavy breathing

Step 2: Progressive relaxation

Step 3: Visualization

Pre-Date Affirmations: Sweet Talking to Yourself

Chapter 10: Impressions: First and Lasting

Before You Begin

Say What? Knowing What to Say

Opening gambits

Small talk

Safe subjects

Avoiding Taboo Topics

Sex

Exes

Politics

Religion

Flirting Fun

Interpreting Body Language

Positive signs

Negative signs

Mirroring

Listening Attentively and Effectively

Chapter 11: Having a Way Cool Time

Enjoying Yourself

Making the Most of the Place You Picked

Restaurants

Movies or plays

Concerts

Sporting events

Special events

Fielding the Curve Balls

Surviving dating’s most embarrassing moments

Lighten up

Picking Up the Check

Ending the Date Gracefully

Successful date

So-so date

Disaster date

The Contact Issue: Handshakes, Hugs, or Liplocks

Keeping your lips to yourself

It’s in his (or her) kiss

The signs

What about sex on the first date?

Post-Datem

Gaining a little perspective

Chilling out

Chapter 12: Not Having a Way Cool Time

Your Date Hates You

Me, paranoid?

Reading the signs

Getting more info

No whining!

Ending on a positive note

Tuition for Dating 101

You Hate Your Date

Making it to the (not) bitter end

Avoiding blame

Being polite

Proclaiming truth: Honesty is a tricky policy

Handling hurt feelings

Chalking it up to experience

You Hate Each Other

Facing facts

Speed bumps

Total turnoffs

Acknowledging the moment of truth

Exiting with style

Reviewing expectations

Starting Over

Part IV: The Day After and Beyond

Chapter 13: The Next Day

Second Thoughts on First Impressions

After an Icky Date

Paying life’s tuition

Restoring your confidence

After a So-So Date

Valium for the soul

All the right moves

After the Perfect Date

Testosterone versus Estrogen Central

Nine hints for limbo and surviving the wait

Men’s ten-day morphing into two-week rule

Believe in fate

Nix the gossip

Chapter 14: The Second Date

Is It Really a Second Date?

Dates versus date-ettes

Anatomy of a true second date

In Between Dates One and Two

Date Expectations

Good places for a second date

Mind over what’s-the-matter

Old patterns, new people

The First Fifteen Minutes of a Second Date

Getting to Know You

Trust or Consequences

The Last Fifteen Minutes of a Second Date

Chapter 15: To Blab or Not to Blab: Sharing Personal Info

Volunteering Information

Things to tell immediately

Things to tell eventually

Things to tell before sex

Things to tell if asked or pushed

Sharing Feelings

Keeping Mum

Past sexual experiences

Past relationships

Showing Interest

Good questions to ask

The Spanish Inquisition phenomenon

Avoiding Pitfalls

Chapter 16: Speed Bumps on Life’s Highway

Scoping Out the Four Stages of Attachment: The Gospel According to Dr. Joy

Applying the Brakes

Putting Off Sex

Baring your soul

Trusting your emotions

Not Getting Ahead of Yourself

Being Patient: You Can’t Hurry Love

Chapter 17: Getting to Serious

Casual versus Serious versus Heavy Dating

Casual dating

Serious dating

Heavy dating

The Role of Sex in a Relationship

What sex isn’t

What sex is

The Thing about Sex

Identifying the right time

Saying yes

Saying no

Soul Mates: Fact or Fiction?

Fish or Cut Bait: Relationship Evaluation

Chapter 18: Breaking Up

Decoding Warning Signs

Dealing with Evidence of Problems

Understanding the Break Up

Timing

Incompatibility

Hauntings by ghosts

Geography

Sex

Money

Friends and family

Kids

Work

Health

Substance abuse

Lack of trust

Violence

Making Last-Ditch Efforts

Apologizing

Taking responsibility

Keeping your fantasies to yourself

Avoiding ship-sinking mistakes

Taking time out

Making a Clean Break

Avoiding blame

Don’t ask why

Beyond the Breakup

Looking for patterns

Accepting that things don’t last forever

Always looking forward

Scrutinizing the details

Spending time alone

Sidestepping emotional pitfalls

Chapter 19: Rebound

Loosening the Ties That Bind

Defining Rebound

Using the Time Productively

Waiting It Out

Avoiding the Still Married, Separated, and Newly Divorced

Part V: Playing It Safe and Keeping It Fresh

Chapter 20: Safety First

Telling Somebody Where You’re Going

Getting Your Date’s Name, Rank, and Serial Number

Finding a Safe Haven

Meeting there

Meeting at your workplace or school

Meeting in your ’hood

Taking Cash

Achieving Safety in Numbers

Paying Attention to Your Intuition

Intuition is . . .

Intuition versus paranoia

It’s okay to get the heck out

Date Rape

Myths and facts about date rape

How to protect yourself if you’re a man

How to protect yourself if you’re a woman

How to protect yourself from the date rape drug

Stalking

Looking for signs of obsession

Profile of a stalker

How to protect yourself from a stalker

Chapter 21: Dating Sight Unseen

Online Connections

Personal Ads

Blind Dates

Chapter 22: Keeping It Fresh, Alive, and Healthy

Send Flowers for No Reason

Write a Love Note

Reminisce about Your First Mutual Date

Share Baby Pictures and Stories

Give a Massage

Shampoo and Bathe Your Love

Clean Your Love’s Place

Give a “Generous Soul” Gift Certificate

Plan a Mystery Date

Take a Hike to Someplace New

Part VI: The Part of Tens

Chapter 23: Ten+ Do’s and Don’ts of Internet Dating

The To-Do List of Online Dating

Be precise

Make your English teacher proud

Keep the fibs to a minimum

Use an appropriate photo

Provide only a cell phone number

Date within a 25-mile radius

Meet publicly and make sure someone knows where you are

The Never-Do List of Online Dating

Don’t stay online too long before a meeting

Never online date on an office computer

Don’t get seduced in online “shopping”

Don’t rely on humor or sexual innuendo

Chapter 24: Ten Ways to Know You’re in Love

You Actually Want to Meet the Parents

You’re Willing to Explain Why You Don’t Want to Date Others

You’ll Ditch Your Little Black Book

You Breathe Easier When He or She Is Around

You Hum Love Songs under Your Breath

You’re Full of Energy

You’re Willing to Go Somewhere You Hate

You’re Willing to Save If You’re a Spendthrift and Spend If You’re Chintzy

The Idea of Doing Nothing Together Sounds Terrific

You’re Willing to Risk Being Yourself

Chapter 25: Ten Sexual Commandments of Dating

Don’t Get Naked Too Soon

No House Calls until Sex

Slow Down

No Sleeping Together Until You’re Ready for Sex

Don’t Have Unprotected Sex

Don’t Assume Your Date Is Responsible Sexually

Beware of Back Rubs

Don’t Confess

Don’t Fake It

Don’t Compare

Chapter 26: Ten Ways to Make You and Your Date Miserable

Whine

Blame

Compare

Pout

Holler

Swear

Say “You Always . . .” or “You Never . . .”

Complain

Be Passive

Find Fault

Appendix: Catch Phrases

Cheat Sheet

Dating For Dummies®

by Dr. Joy Browne

Dating For Dummies®

Published byWiley Publishing, Inc.111 River St.Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2011 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2010942115

ISBN: 978-0-470-89205-3

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

About the Author

Dr. Joy Browne is not only a dating guru, but also a licensed clinical psychologist who has hosted her own nationally and internationally syndicated talk show since dirt was invented. She has won numerous awards, including back-to-back female “Talk Show Host of the Year”; was nominated for the Marconi award for best talk show host; was named one of USA Today’s 10 most influential broadcasters; and is a member of Vanity Fair’s Radio Hall of Fame. The American Psychological Association has awarded her the President’s Award, and she is number 10 on the list of the 25 Greatest Radio Talk Show Hosts of all Time. She is the author of 14 books and counting. In her spare time she has appeared on everyone’s television show, including her own on CBS and Discovery Health. Dr. Joy enjoys hot air ballooning, yoga, and helping people to improve their lives. She has appeared in two Broadway shows, as well as several well-reviewed documentaries, and has made her singing debut at the Friar Club. Can Hollywood be far behind?

She’s gotten her dating experience on the front lines, by watching, listening, and doing, and is always working on a book about relationships.

Dedication

To everyone who’s out there giving it the old camper’s try — courage!

Author’s Acknowledgments

Writing is hard, lonely work, which is why this section is so often over the top in sentiment. People who were there when you were going through the labor, saw you sweaty and cranky, and still stuck by you are much to be valued, and this group certainly qualifies.

Tami Booth was the midwife, if ever there was one. From moment one, she stayed the course, even with elements that seemed part of a cruel joke. Kathy Welton backed the project, even if it meant taking on the gods of conformity and wrestling them to the ground. Tracy Barr kept the work feasible when the effort was literally dissolving before everyone’s horrified eyes, and I thank her husband and babies for sharing her with me for weeks of phone calls and faxes and really dedicated work. Mary Hogan slapped life into a project that seemed oxygen-deprived and calmed me with her willingness to help and set limits. Kevin Thornton rode in on his trusty white horse to shepherd the project to the final glory.

For this new edition, Tracy Boggier kept her eye on the project even when it gave her a headache, as is the nature of her commitment. Chrissy Guthrie made online editing fun and a whole lot less scary. Having a team that is smart and also makes you feel smart is a true blessing.

I also want to thank all my callers who’ve shared their tales of woe or wonder; friends and family members (you know who you are) who’ve called at 2 a.m. to cry or celebrate; and certainly all the guys who’ve made me part of the great dating experience.

If you see yourself in this book, think kindly of both of us, because, after all, when it comes to dating, we’re all dummies.

Publisher’s Acknowledgments

We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our online registration form located at http://dummies.custhelp.com. For other comments, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 877-762-2974, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3993, or fax [phone].

Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:

Acquisitions, Editorial, and Media Development

Project Editor: Christina Guthrie

Acquisitions Editor: Tracy Boggier

Assistant Editor: David Lutton

Technical Editor: April Braswell

Editorial Manager: Christine Meloy Beck

Editorial Assistants: Rachelle Amick, Jennette ElNaggar

Cover Photos: © iStockphoto.com / aleksandar velasevic

Cartoons: Rich Tennant (www.the5thwave.com)

Composition Services

Project Coordinator: Sheree Montgomery

Layout and Graphics: Stephanie D. Jumper

Proofreader: Toni Settle

Indexer: Cheryl Duksta

Publishing and Editorial for Consumer Dummies

Diane Graves Steele, Vice President and Publisher, Consumer Dummies

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Ensley Eikenburg, Associate Publisher, Travel

Kelly Regan, Editorial Director, Travel

Publishing for Technology Dummies

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Composition Services

Debbie Stailey, Director of Composition Services

Introduction

Dating makes everybody feel like a dummy, whether you’re 15 or 115, going out on your first date or rejoining the dating scene after your grandkids have started dating. “It’s still the same old story” — as sung by Dooley Wilson (or as you probably know him, Sam) in Casablanca — “a search for love and glory,” and there really are some fundamental things that do apply. I lay them all out for you, not so that you can be a stud muffin or the hottest kid on the block, but so that you can understand a bit more about yourself, your date to be, and the whole process. Then maybe the old palms will sweat less, and believe it or not, you may actually have some fun.

After all, dating should be fun. It’s not like your whole life or livelihood depends on one date or several dates. The purpose of dating is simple: getting to know someone and letting that person get to know you so that you can decide whether you’re interested in spending any more time together. Nothing more, nothing less. Put aside the notion that you’re looking for a mate or a one-night stand or someone to please your mom. You’re just dating so that you can get to know somebody a bit and let him or her get to know you.

So what are the ironclad follow-these-steps-and-you’ll-never-fail, step-on-a-crack-and-you’ll-break-your-mother’s-back rules of dating? They don’t exist. There are some guidelines, suggestions, and observations, but this whole experience is a bit free form since you’re unique and so is everyone you’ll ever date. So this book is about helping you understand who you are and what you want — some commonly held assumptions, traits, and perils that will allow you to be exactly the person you are. That way, if you’re having fun and your date is having fun, you’re going to want to do it again.

So why such sweaty palms if this is supposed to be fun? Men and women have been getting together for thousands of years after all. No, it’s not because you’re the nerd of the universe and everybody else is way cool. It’s because the way people date — their expectations and assumptions and goals — have changed with the times.

Adam and Eve were the original blind date (and we know who fixed them up). It’s been a lot rockier ever since (ever wonder who Cain and Abel dated?). In the caves, dating was mostly about who had the biggest club (no, not that club) and could carry off the choice woman. I don’t think flowers and candy played a very big part. A few eons passed, and we moved from caves and plains to hamlets to villages to towns to cities, and our courting rituals evolved, but still dating really wasn’t allowed. Marriages were arranged by families for political and economic reasons. Not only did women have no say, but neither did the men.

Today, not only do we get to pick who we want to marry (at least in this country), but we get to audition them, which brings us to dating. In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part). Not only has dating gotten complicated (women can ask guys out), but mating has gotten really complicated as well. And then there’s romance, truly