Do I Wanna Know? E-Book

Kinga Vidó

• Herausgeber: Publishdrive
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Beschreibung

The newly graduated Lucille Haggerty, has not been to Watsonville in four years, since a certain birthday party went wrong. Today, she finally comes home. Josh Halding, best friend of Lucille’s brother, also lives there and has no intention of leaving. The two of them constantly play with each other’s nerves, and they never run out of funny comments, small compliments and unexpected gifts. Their family and friends watch their relationship with puzzlement. While the days go fast, the situation is getting more complicated between them, however Lucille is returning to Princeton at the end of the summer...

Leseprobe

Kinga Vidó

Do I wanna know?

Copyright: © Kinga Vidó 2019

Translated by Cintia Grof

Complying editors: Menta Boros and

Renata Tapaszto

Cover-plan by: JB MOVIE

ISBN 978-615-00-4542-9

All rights reserved

The book may not be reproduced, uploaded to share on websites, shared by audio book, copied or used in whole or in part by any means existing without written permission from the author.

The book is based on a fictional story. Names and characters are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

With love to Menta, Bodza and You!

June 22nd

Well, I have arrived at my beloved childhood town, the Californian Watsonville. Four years ago, after my graduation, I left with a sudden uproar, and now I still feel that maybe it is too early to come home, but I could not delay it any longer. I am Lucille Haggerty, a lover of Renaissance and Florence, a twenty-two-year-old newly qualified with Bachelor of Arts, who has not yet decided whether to carry on studying or bury herself in the world of employment from September.

My relatives and friends call me Lulu or Berry, depending on which part of my life we have met. As a family tradition, I call my Mum when I land at the airport. My family of four live an impetuous and Italian lifestyle. They are a bit louder than average families, bit crazy, friendly, and they are the type of family to hug and welcome in everyone.

I have been drinking all the way here, so I pop into the toilet of the world`s smallest airport and have a look at my reflection. Long, wavy blonde hair with lots of sun dyed curls, and quite light brown eyes. I have lucky features and figure. According to my friends, my smile and my kindness are the features that make me beautiful. Familiar sounds, smells, and memories hit me while I`m in the taxi. The driver is searching through the radio stations when finally he stops by one of Sigma`s song - Nobody to love. He nods to acknowledge his decision and I don`t complain as I like this song too. I keep turning my head, that restaurant is closed, the small shop has a new name, there`s a new statue in front of the library. Four years is not that long but so many things have changed.

The taxi slowly approaches the neighbourhood where I used to know everything like my own palm. Before we turn into my street, I take a big breath and I finally see our house. It surprises me how much I have missed my home. We have an average two-story house with a big garden and a pond which was created by Dad, some thuja and roses which Mum takes care of and a terrace. Upstairs there are three bedrooms, a bathroom, and a toilet, downstairs there is a big living room with a glass wall and a kitchen where half of the street has spent time most days. I pay the taxi driver, then grab my suitcase. As I approach the house, I remember that I will be spending the first three nights on my own as my brother, Andrew, and my parents will only be arriving later from Denver, where my parents are helping Andrew to move into a new apartment closer to his workplace. I have a happy family. My Mum is an economist, and my Dad is an IT specialist engineer but none of them work within their profession. This complicated my decision about further education but then I made a quick decision in seconds. I wanted to go to Princeton to study a history related course and I managed to get on a course. It was one of the best times of my life, which may continue.

While I look for my keys in my handbag, my eyes wander to the front door and I notice that the door is slightly open. My first thought is that someone came home before me, but then I stop. That`s not possible. I grab my phone from my bag and call my brother. Andrew is twenty-seven years old and has similar blonde hair and light brown eyes as I have. Both in high school and college, he was seen as a popular guy, and I realised that there was no point trying to remember the name of his girlfriends as they changed quite often. My beloved brother is the most unreliable person in the world when it comes to love. However, this has changed in the recent past. He answers my call quick.

- Hey Berry, are you at home? While you were sunbathing, we have been working hard. I don`t even understand why you always miss out on the fun? - he teases me like a good brother, but I leave him without a comment.

- There is a problem. Are you all still in Denver? – my voice goes a bit shaky and Andrew`s voice turns serious:

- Problem? What problem?

- I just got home and the front door is open. The alarm is not going off and there is no one here. The taxi has gone. I don`t know whether I should go inside? – I hear quiet and nervous conversations and Dad takes the phone:

- Do not move one bit. Don`t try to be a hero Berry! Walk to Emma Small, your Mum is talking to her right now, Arthur will sort everything. Give me a call to let me know about what happened!– I`m on my way already.

The roundish, typical grandmother looking Emma Smith, who lives two doors down from us, jumps straight on my neck and after a short briefing, her husband Arthur, who with his long beard could be Santa Claus if he wasn`t covered in tattoos, calls the police and stays with me.

They are a very lovable couple. They have been pensioners for a long time. We have an interesting relationship, Emma and I have always been casual with each other but with Arthur, we both remain a little bit more formal. When I was little, they used to look after me and my brother a lot. Like every other year, they are looking after their three cheeky grandchildren. During high school, I used to look after them for some pocket money, and let`s just say I don`t miss those times. I walk back to the front of our house.

When the police arrive, within minutes it is clear that there is no one in the house but a few things have gone missing. The alarm was broken, the house was trashed, a TV and Dad`s computer went missing. The police officers have asked me some questions but I could not be much help to them as I have not been to the house in years. Arthur starts a video call on his tab with my Dad, who has a look around every single room. Looks as if they only took the TV and the computer. The police believe that something or someone must have distracted the burglar. Hours passed.

I check out the house. My room did not change one bit. It looks exactly as I left it four years ago. All of my furniture is white, just like my Yamaha piano, the walls are painted with the brightest pink possible. There is a fluffy white carpet on the grey floorboards. On my double bed, there are hundreds of pillows with a different colour of pink, and above my desk, there is a board covered in pictures. There are childhood pictures, a lot of them with my brother. On one picture I recite, on another, I play the piano. On some of the pictures, I laugh with my friend, Vicky. There are pictures where we are with Andy`s high school or college friends on trips, singing by campfires, dancing in the rain and things like that. On my bookshelves and on the floor there are mainly history books. On my dressing table, there is makeup. In my huge wardrobe, there is a knee length bodycon dress with spaghetti straps and beautiful small pearls which I bought for my eighteenth birthday, I did not take this one with me.

Andrew`s room is the opposite of mine. It has grey and brown colours. His room has been designed so that his three or four friends can comfortably sit in front of his TV that`s on the wall. He has a tobacco coloured sofa bed with black and grey pillows. Some parts of his walls are grey, some parts are dark blue. There is a big rug on his light brown floorboards. He has a particularly big black and white desk with a black leather armchair. His shelves are white and there is a big `Be strong` sing above his sofa. Very masculine. The room was made sound-proof ages ago for the sake of family peace.

I go back downstairs. Arthur is changing the lock. It is scary that someone was in and out of my family home. I shudder. The police officers are still writing a statement but they don`t need me. They were nice, and before leaving they advised me not to be in the house on my own. I haven`t really thought about this actually. What now? Straight away, Arthur offers to me to stay over at their house, but let`s be honest, they already have their hands full of their three grandchildren. Arthur keeps my Dad updated. My brain is ticking. Vicky, my best friend lives in Watsonville. Not long after me, she and her family left the town, she applied to Princetown to a different course than mine but we were still roommates. I did not keep in contact for long with my old high school friends. I am looking for a nearby cheap accommodation on my phone when Arthur puts his phone in my hand:

-Lulu, your father wants to talk to you! – I take the phone.

-Listen my darling! You can`t stay alone! Go with Arthur. We will figure out something.- it is wonderful if you have such caring parents. Everything will be fine. I am not worried anymore.

-Okay, Dad! I`ll talk to you later. – I put the phone down and wait for Arthur to lock the front door.

-Lulu! You know that stress is not good for your soul. You should have your neck massaged. – I nod. Arthur is a masseur and he is the best in the area. He loves the topic of a healthy lifestyle and if he starts talking about this, it`s very hard to get away from him. I and Andrew found out at an early age that the only solution is to not respond to him. You can smile and nod nut any other form of communication is not allowed.

Emma welcomes me with an apple pie and some cold lemonade. I only just realised that it is nearly five in the afternoon and I am hungry. We have been talking for a while when Andrew finally calls me:

-Berry! I found a solution!- I feel guilty, I really don`t want to be a burden.

-Andy just leave it, I will find a cheap hotel close by, I have a few numbers already. -I try to minimise the problem as he already has a lot of problems with the move.

-We have a better idea. Josh is on the way to pick you up from Emma`s.- I don`t feel guilty anymore....all the blood has gone to my head. I thought to myself that this must be a very bad joke:

-Josh Halding?- I ask and hope for a negative answer.

-Yeah of course, who else?- Andrew wonders.

-No. – I state firmly so they don`t doubt it.

-Berry, don`t be silly!. He is nice, you know him. Our parents trust him as well. We already asked him to look after you and he said yes. Don`t make me look stupid now. I don`t even know what your problem is, you used to be good friends or something – he hesitates.

-This is a bad idea. -I shake my head incredulously.

-Well, this is it sis. I think you should say goodbye to Emma and Arthur. Be good, we will speak tomorrow by latest. -he ends the call.

I stare out my head. I`ve only been home for half a day and now I have to face the one thing I have been dreading for the past four years. Andrew`s high school classmate, college teammate and best friend in one was the reason why I left Watsonville without looking back. I see a car approaching through the living room window. I quickly have a look at myself. I`m wearing my favourite knee-high summer black dress with white dots and with black ballerina shoes. I quickly let my long blonde hair out and brush through it with my fingers. Emma gives me a long hug and I say goodbye to the kids. Arthur is already talking to Josh in front of the house when I slowly pull my suitcase behind me as if I could delay this unavoidable moment. By the time I get to the front of the house, Arthur is already coming back. He gives me two kisses on my cheek, then leaves me alone.

Very interesting. I haven`t seen Josh in four years and I have a look at his car first. A classy, nice dark car. I suddenly start to miss his old white Beatle which we used to go on trips with. Josh is standing by the side of his car. We stand opposite each other for a while. He changed. The tall, skinny, blue-eyed boy with shoulder length hair that always used to fall on his eyes, and with skater clothes is in the past. Josh`s hair is elegantly short, looks less messy, he has a short beard which makes his chin look a bit more angular. He is wearing sunglasses and it annoys me how I can`t see his expression.

He is still skinny but better built. Shirt, jeans, leather shoes. Oh, this is the new Josh. He was always good looking but he looks mind-blowingly good looking now, then he shows his half smile, which I used to love as a teenager.

-Hi Lucille! – his voice is deeper than I remembered. He is the only one, other than some of my college professors, who call me Lucille.

-Hi Josh! – my voice is very quiet, I feel like a small girl again. I have to get myself together, this is really not me. -Thank you for letting me stay at yours but it`s really not necessary, I can sort it. I can sleep under the bridge. So it was nice to see you.

-Lucille, your Dad already decided and I promised him I won`t lose you for three days so give me your suitcase and we can go.

-I don`t want to be a burden on you.

-You won`t be.

I get it, I have no saying in this. Men have decided again. I give him my suitcase while I quietly Mumble some things, then I sit in his car. When Josh sits next to me, his scent suddenly hits me. He still uses the same aftershave. My stomach sinks. Why has he got this effect on me? Previously I used to think, or hope, that if we ever meet again in life, then I will be surprised about why I ever felt like an emotional rollercoaster around him. I decided that this was a naive thought. Nothing changed. We slowly leave the street. One of Artic Monkeys` song called `Do I wanna know` is playing on the radio. I like this song. We sit in silence. Erm, are we supposed to talk now, since he is doing me a favour? I can't just sit here. We used to tease each other and bicker all the time. The awkward silence resolves when I realise that we are not heading towards his house:

-Where are we going, do you not live at Madison anymore?

-My parents do, but I moved out years ago. We are nearly there. – Dia and Bud are a couple who are 10 years older than my parents, Josh was a late child. We used to visit them a lot. Dia and Mum used to bake cookies for us especially when we went on road trips, so nearly every other day. I thought I would see them.

-Okay, so what did you do so your own parents can`t stand you now? And don`t think I don`t understand them. Let`s admit, you are not an easy case– I start to return to our old way of conversation.

-Let`s just say it was long due. – he cuts the topic short.

Super, so we are going to some kind of a bachelor pad? I`m going to kill Andrew when I see him next. I can already see a typical house full of boys, dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. What`s next?

-Tell me something! – he looks at me while he drives. I smile. He never remembers to be more specific because this way our conversations are always too long.

-Dear kids, once upon a time...- Josh is smiling now and interrupts me.

-...there was an annoying girl called Lucille Haggerty, who went to the other end of the world alone. Try and continue this...

-Alright!- I say – Lucille graduated with a degree in Middle Age history and philosophy at Princeton and feels unmarketable in the employment field, but she at least knows that her degree gave her an opportunity to be able to separate the relevant things from a huge amount of information.

-This doesn`t sound too promising – Josh laughs – and what will you be when you grow up?

-I can be anything I want to be. Carly Fiorina became the CEO of Hewlett Packard with the same degree as mine. – I say with a wide smile.

-Do you really comfort yourself with the fact that there was one exception? Am I right to think that you have no idea what`s next? – I leave him without an answer so he carries on. -What`s your specialty in the degree?

-From the Middle Ages to Renaissance, as independent era research.

-What else? -he nods, he knows I love Renaissance.

A few minutes later we stop at a cul-de-sac by a two storehouse. We drive into an underground garage and he takes his sunglasses off. Those blue eyes with black lashes were always my weaknesses. Josh walks me to the lift with my suitcase his hand. Underground garage? Lift? This doesn`t fit with my imagined picture. I look around quietly. Josh takes his keys from his pocket but before he puts the key in the lock he stops. He smiles at me and asks:

-Would you like to ring the bell maybe? – well, this needs an explanation. When I was little, Josh and my brother used to look after me a lot, once Andy once Josh. I used to love ringing the bells where it was okay when I was at school, and I never got into trouble. I shake my head. The door open and we go inside. The house is quite big and there is no trace of other guys. Typical Scandinavian style is visible everywhere with grey, black and white colours. It has a minimalist style, everything is simple and definitely suits Josh. He stops in his American style kitchen and looks at me:

-There are three bedrooms, you can choose any Lucille, but I would be your companion in the nearest one of you picked that one. – he points towards a door and smiles. I can feel myself blushing. So he has no roommates. Somehow this makes me feel more uncomfortable.

-I rather sleep alone. Don`t be sad I`m sure we can find something for you. And if you don`t mind I`d like to shower and get changed as I have left Princeton a while ago. – from our previous conversations, sexual themes were completely missing, and this is a new thing now. No doubt, this makes our conversation more interesting but we have to be careful about boundaries.

-The second room functions as an office but there is a bed in there. The third room is the guest room. Whichever you want...- I pick the guest room.

Josh shows me the bathroom, he gives me a big grey towel while he smiles.

-I don`t know if I`ll be able to dry myself with a grey towel. The lack of stimulus is killing me – I look around.

-I knew this was going to be a problem. I ordered some pink `My little pony` towels, but they have not been delivered yet. It`s only a matter of time, I can help you towel dry.

-Great idea. Should I call Andrew and ask if you`re allowed to do that? – I laugh and walk towards the bathroom.

The bathroom is dark grey with a white sink, a big mirror and there is a white bathtub. I lie in the bath while I think about how I can act like such an idiot.

I just shake my head. I am no longer that awkward teenager whose knees used to crumble whenever Josh spoke to me. Where`s that time now? I am a twenty-two-year-old graduate and from September I already have an assistant job at a well-known online music store called Bandcamp company. I have a big group of friends and some lovers behind my back who ran after me day and night.

Of course, there must be a reason why I wasn`t interested in any of those guys. My friends used to laugh at this. While I wait for the charming prince, they used to say with a glass of wine at our favourite place, my life will be gone. If I want to be honest, none of the guys interested me. I always ended the short-lived relationships before it could have got serious.

It was nice to relax. After my bath, I go straight to my chosen bedroom which is the furthest from Josh`s. I look around the room but I can`t find anything interesting. White walls, light blue curtains. There is a light blue blanket and sheets on the bed. In the wardrobe, there are only blankets and bedsheets. There is a really nice picture above the bed. I recognise the small forest behind our street where we used to play as kids and later spent a lot of time with Josh there. He must have taken that picture. I unpack my suitcase. I check my emails and reply to some. When I finish, I lay on the soft double bed and I fall asleep straight away. I must have only spent twenty minutes and it`s getting dark when I wake up to my phone ringing. First I don`t know where I am. I wake up confused, I had a nightmare. I slowly wake up. On the other end of the line Andrew is being worried:

- Hi Berry! Is everything sorted now?

- -Yeah, don`t worry about me. – I try to calm him. -Look forward to seeing you. Andy, don`t keep me waiting. – I moan a bit.

- That`s fine. You know, I feel better knowing that you are with Josh. – it`s nice that he is worried.

- At least you`re happy. I`m happy that you`re happy. Who cares about me? Right? Help, I want to be an only child. – I burst out.

Andrew laughs, we have a chat about his new place and about what we are going to do when they are back home then we end the call.

I put my favourite jeans on and I grab a black t-shirt with gold Chinese words on it from my suitcase. I look for chewing gum, brush my hair and I go to the living room. I really like the hidden lights in the living room. Josh is standing by the fridge behind the bar. He got changed as well. He is wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. When he hears the door closing, he turns around, smiles then checks me out. The thin material of his white top makes his six pack perfectly visible. This is harder than before. `Fifty shades of grey` is written all over his top, with each line being a different shade of grey. I like it. I don`t even have time to say anything as he picks on me like he always used to:

Ohh, so you have more clothes. That`s alright. I was just thinking about which one of my clothes should I give to you if you only have makeup in your suitcase.

-Nice of you to offer, however my make ups are usually replaced by my books since I don`t need them. You know, natural beauty is a great advantage.

-Sounds good Lucille but you should never underestimate the power of makeup – he says ironically, then says: -Guessing you`re hungry...let`s order something, or should we cook something, he asks.

-I`d rather live, so if you don`t mind I`d prefer to order something. Despite being a single man you should not have to cook.

-What makes you think I am a single man? He remains quiet after his question. I don`t know what to say so I just stay quiet and smile when Josh carries on:

-By the way, I support your idea, let`s order. I usually make food that requires a fine taste, you wouldn`t like it anyway.

-Do you mean like fries? I ask then we both smile.

-What do you crave, besides me of course? Should we get Chinese, Indian or a good old burger, or do you only eat salad like three-quarters of the female population?

-I`ll have anything but you, I have a good taste. I give him my best smile.

His eyes remain on me for a second then he laughs and calls hid old team`s favourite restaurant, Dominoes, then asks for a medium three cheese pizza for me with coke and caramel ice cream. My eyes widen for a second. He remembers what my favourite food was. It felt nice but it made me blush. Josh turned the radio on and the Perfect Strangers by Jonas Blue is playing. How convenient. Josh really is a perfect stranger to me but maybe we can get in well in the next few days. While he sorts the food out, I have a look around in the living room.

There is a comfortable looking grey sofa in the living room opposite a huge TV on the wall. There are book shelves, books everywhere, many of them are design, law and IT and business related and there are some classical ones. He has a varied interest. This has not changed. You can`t find anything personal in here other than some pictures of Josh`s parents, I really love his parents I will have to visit them. Josh is an only child and a late one, maybe this is why he loved to hang around with us. He and Andrew were like brothers. I find an old picture of him and Andrew smiling at Stanford. Josh and Andrew were classmates in primary and then high school. While I went to Watsonville high school, they both went to Stanford, which is about an hour drive away from Watsonville, which meant that all their friends sometimes girls as well were hanging out at our house day and night.

They all graduated as IT engineers, and despite this none of my family and friends use social media. They lectured me about fake profiles, becoming a victim and about social media`s negative impacts on our personality. Andrew was very specific about how his little sister won`t be waiting for likes under her latest profile picture. My parents agreed with him, we don`t share pictures of us and we keep in touch the old fashioned way, we go and see each other. When they graduated, Andrew got a super job in Denver, and Josh returned to Watsonville and started a business with one of his classmate who wasn`t really close to Josh before so I can`t really remember his name. Andrew and Josh stayed in touch, they visited each other once a month.

I carry on looking around. Right, why would I think that he is single? Nothing in the house would suggest in his house that he has a girlfriend or fiance, but I`m sure he has one as he always had loads of girls after him and they swapped each other pretty quick, same as in my brother`s situation however Josh was a bit more discreet. With Andrew you could never avoid the disappointed girlfriend`s screaming, crying, and swearing, the house was always loud. Josh`s breakups never ended like this, and he spent most of his time with me in the last few months of my stay in Watsonville, or I thought he did. This was a long time ago.

By the time I run these thoughts through my head, I am standing by the kitchen bar. I watch him as he takes a wine out.

-Remind me how old you are Lucille? Can you drink alcohol? – of course. Josh and sarcasm are good friends, especially when I am around.

-I can drink, but I only drink with friends. But you know what, I let it be Christmas for you. I can make an exception.

-Very nice of you. -he smiles.

-Oh, no need to be thankful! – I wave my hand as a gesture. The rose is already in the glasses as Josh gives me one of them:

-What should we toast for? – I ask with a smile.

-What would you like to toast for? Maybe for your return home?

-I`m not staying for long, no point toasting for that. – I think out loud. Josh looks at me surprisingly.

-Can I ask you something? – I slowly nod and I wonder what he wants to know. His question surprises me.

-Why did you disappear so suddenly? – he asks me, this time with no smile.

Wow, just like that we are deep into this. Interesting how I never thought anyone else other than my family would ask me this question. Four years ago on the way to the airport I already told them a fake explanation – I was scared of the new school and of change and I thought I`d be thinking about this throughout the whole summer so I just left and went to my aunty who lives close to Princeton, this way the new beginning at college was much easier. I have no other explanation, especially not for Josh. But I also have questions.

-Let`s talk about this another time – I suggest and Josh nods. I know this question will have to be answered and I need to come up with some kind of explanation, but not just yet.

-Well, cheers then! - he says then we toast.

-Now you tell me something! -I tell him in his style.

-What would you like to know dear Lucille? Let`s be specific. – he half smiles.

-The last few years in highlights. – I say.

-So you want a minimal amount of easily processed information. After Stanford, I came back to Watsonville and with a good friend we opened an IT company which deals with the planning of algorithms. We developed nicely and we now have 15 employees and we work for some big companies. – he finishes then we look at each other. His eyes are beautiful, I sank into them.

-Wow – I say.

-I jump to the sound of the doorbell. Dinner is here. I try to give him some money but like a gentleman, Josh refuses it. I stuff my face with my favourite food with a big smile. I haven`t tasted these in ages. I had similar but nothing like this. I am happy. My chin is covered in ketchup but everything is so delicious. My host finished his food already and he looks at me with a smile then says:

-Now I`m kinda glad I did not take you to a public place. You eat like a pig. You are unacceptable. – we laugh then I suddenly feel tired.

Josh, I think I had a long day. Would you mind if I went to bed?

-It depends. With or without me? – he asks with a smile.

-What would you like? – I banter with him. The smile has quickly disappeared from Josh`s face. We look at each other`s eyes. I feel that maybe I have crossed a line.

-You tell me! – he passes the ball back. I shake my head.

Well then I am off to sleep now – I say quickly. We both stand up. He leans into my ears and my pulse rises.

-Coward – he whispers then leans back and smiles. -Of course, just go. It`s Thursday tomorrow, we will find something that requires two different gendered adults.

-It`s not necessary. I don`t want to disturb your grey and boring daily schedule. Goodnight!

Goodnight Lucille! – I like his voice and when he calls me Lucille.

I brush my teeth and put my Winnie the Pooh pjs on. I watch the TV from the bed for a bit but I can`t concentrate on the movie. I keep thinking about what to say the next time my sudden move comes up as a topic again. He wouldn`t believe if I used to Princeton excuse as we talked a lot about that and he knows I was not going to move there earlier and I was excited to start. Tell him that it was because of him? No way, I would never tell him. I can`t find a good excuse and I don`t want to get confused in lies. Maybe I will tell him that it`s none of his business. I postpone the question and switch the TV off.

A few hours later around one am I am still wide awake. I can`t fall asleep but I don`t know why. I flounce, turn then I get bored so I go to the kitchen to get some water, then listen to music on my phone, then drink again and go to the toilet a few times. I repeat this a few times during the night. Around 3 am I feel like crying. After the twentieth glass of water, Josh appears by the door of his bedroom. I`m not surprised. I should have expected that he will wake up. He is wearing dark grey trousers and a big light blue t-shirt that matches his eyes. He is frowning:

-Okay, Lucille. You always played with my nerves but this is too much even from you. You`ve been running between the kitchen, your room, and the toilet during the past few hours in your cute pj top. How long are you planning to do this for?

--I`m sorry Josh, I can`t sleep and I don`t know why, and I am going crazy. I was just about to end my life but then I realised you could not handle the loss of me so due to the pity I felt for you, I stayed alive. – I can see a smile at the edge of his mouth. I`m winning.

-Okay, what do you think could solve this? Shall I rock you to sleep?

-Would you maybe watch a movie with me? You can say no of course. -I try.

-Yeah, so you can walk around till the morning? No, let`s watch a movie. What movie would you like to watch? Legally Blonde or Legends of the fall? I don`t know your taste but I think I`m going in the right direction, right?

-Not at all but you can choose. – Josh shakes his head but walks towards the shelves by the TV and starts saying the names of the movies.

-Inception, The usual suspect, Forrest Gump?

-Inception will be okay I haven`t seen it for a while. – I smile. Josh and I open the sofa bed and I fetch some of the pillows and blankets from one of the rooms. We get comfortable and probably even before the movie started I fell asleep.

June 23rd

When I wake up it`s already light outside. According to the time on the TV, it`s already past 9 am. Josh is still sleeping with his back next to me. I barged into his life and ruined his Wednesday night. I listen to his quiet breathing, I look at his muscles through his t-shirt, his black hair and I let out a big sigh. In the same bed with Josh Halding. One thing from my bucket list is ticked off now. This is not exactly how I imagined it but let`s not be a stickler. I quietly climb out the bed and go to my room where I spend an hour on the internet. I write to my college friends. I haven`t told my stories to Vicky yet even though she has been asking what it`s like to be in Watsonville again. I don`t know myself.

My return to home is nothing like I imagined it to be. It was like returning to a parallel world where things I never thought would happen, just happened. Andrew is calling me:

-Good morning! What`s up sleepy head? Is everything okay? You didn`t embarrass me too much in front of Josh, did you?

-Don`t get your hopes up! We watched a movie early morning because I couldn`t sleep – Andrew laughs.

-This will cost me a lot, lucky that I only have one silly sister. – he adds kindly.

-How are you getting on Andy? – I`m not even sure what answer I want to get now.

-Getting there slowly. So many things happened, you wouldn`t even believe it.. – he laughs. We won`t be home earlier than Saturday morning, maybe Friday night but I don`t see a big chance of that so don`t get your hopes up...I miss you Berry – my brother hardly ever gets emotional. It`s probably because of the burglary, or maybe he just doesn`t want me to send his best friend to a mental hospital.

-I can imagine – I smile. Send my love to our parents.

When I put the phone down I hear some noises from the living room. Josh is awake and is on the phone to someone. I sigh. I got jealous. I don`t want to disturb him so I wait to go to the bathroom until it`s gone quiet. I find a note with a set of keys on the kitchen bar. There`s a short note on the paper. –I had to go, here are the keys and my number. Feel free to raid the fridge, I will be back sometime early afternoon. Please don`t disturb the neighbours, don`t kill anyone and don`t jump out the window. – signature: Me.

I`m alone but it`s okay. I quickly get ready and go for a walk. The weather is nice. I go to town. It became a habit while I was at university that I and Vicky would walk for an hour or two every day. We got our daily exercise in and always had good conversations. It`s nice to be walking at home. Inside the shopping centre, I go to my favourite bookstore, then I look for a cafe and I have some pastry for lunch. I bought a magazine and I sit in the Peace Drive Park to read it. I`m in a good mood. I feel so happy. I guess the reason behind it but I`m not going to admit it. Around 2 pm I start to go back. I use the key to open the door, Josh is not home yet. I make some sandwiches then sit in the living room and start to watch the movie we started last night. Towards the end of the movie, Josh comes home. He sits next to me and puts his arm behind me and ask:

-So Lucille, how was your day? Did you do something that I should know about?

-Nothing serious. In the morning I was messing around in town drunk, the police arrested me but one of them called Johann was very nice. We decided to move to Mexico together and have children, he should be here to pick me up soon.

-Okay, just the usual then. – he states.

-I guess I`m supposed to ask how your day was? – he smiles.

-You don`t have to pretend because of me Lucille! Just be yourself! Selfish, stubborn, narcissists and so on. But since you asked I will tell you. I didn`t plan but I had to go to work. But my friends planned a small party for tonight in Villager. I will make it up to you there. What do you think, can you ruin my night again?

I think about what to do. If I go with him I might just be a burden and maybe his friends won`t appreciate an outsider. But if I stay at his, I would be bored. I finally decide. I`ll just go but if I disturb them, I`ll just go to a different pub or get a taxi and come back here since it`s Thursday.

-Okay, let`s do it, I`ll come along. – I tell him about my decision.

-You made me happy. You just can`t see it because I`m good at hiding it. We`ll leave around 7 pm. I think you should start getting ready. – he says with his usual half smile.

-Oh sweetie, you had bad experiences with women? Don`t worry I can get ready in two minutes.

-Okay but if you are still not ready by midnight, I will leave you here.

By the way, how classy are your friends? Tulle skirt or leather trousers?

-Your Winnie the Pooh top will be perfect – he grins.

-I know you loved it. When I can finally go home, I`ll leave it here for you so you can hug it at night. – maybe this was a bit too much. Josh raises one of his eyebrows but doesn`t say anything.

I start getting ready. I put some golden eyeshadow, black eyeliner and some mascara on. I use some peachy lip gloss. Perfect. I look for my body-hugging white jeans then put on a white glittery strappy top with matching gold necklace and bracelet which I take out from my suitcase. High heels then perfume. That`s it. I step out of my room ten minutes before 7 pm. Josh is wearing white jeans too with a dark blue shirt. I`m not overdressed. Super. We just stare at each other and can feel sparkles in the air. I can tell that he likes me more than he wants to. Finally, Josh breaks the silence:

-Alright, maybe you won`t embarrass me too much.

-Do I meet your high expectations? – I banter.

-You just about slip under the bar considering our old friendship. You had enough compliments, let`s go.

We get the lift down to the garage and Josh once again acts like a gentleman. He opens the car door for me but before I could faint he says:

-Don`t get used to this!

-I wasn`t going to, it would upset me when after having two beers you return to being a caveman.

Everything is the same as in the past. We laugh and banter, Felix Jaehn`s Ain`t nobody song is on, I roll the window down and enjoy the warm summer breeze. We arrived. I like the atmosphere of the Villager. It`s a nice old fashioned pub which takes you to a magical world. On the walls, there are pine casings, beamed ceiling, mood lighting, open fireplace, and U shaped boxes covered in leather. Old portraits, decoration, and baubles are everywhere. This is a type of pub where you are only served by the bar and not by your table.

After stepping into the Villager, Josh steers me towards the box that`s next to the bar. There`re five people already sitting around the table. Two men and three women, the ratio is not the best. Josh introduces me as a childhood friend who went far away but after years of hard work, finally returned. I look at the men, I can tell they never heard of me before. Okay, so I got the answer to my first question. Both men, John and David are the manager types, same hair, smile, tie, and shirt. They are welcoming. Now I look at the three women. Mandy is a bit chubby but has a nice smile, motherly type, she sits me down next to her on a U shaped box. Katie is tall, has black hair, very thin and has dreamy eyes. The third woman is interesting. She doesn`t smile just looks me up and down. I notice that there was an empty space next to her on a box. She has hazelnut brown bob style hair, big blue eyes and lots of makeup. She is wearing a pretty, short coral red dress with a golden belt and golden accessories. She definitely looks pretty and she knows that. Josh introduces her as Chelsea, then sits next to her, opposite me. We shake hands then the fake smile appears:

-Oh, so Josh is looking after you? How are you feeling? Did the burglary indispose you? – So obvious. She makes it clear that Josh has told her everything. She is probably the current one or wants to be. Let`s not let her have a good day.

-Thank you for asking. Yes, it did indispose me that my home was broken in but I can`t thank Josh enough for taking me straight away and acting like a hero ever since. – huge smile to Josh who leans back on his chair and enjoys the show without a blink, as if he was in a cinema, without saying anything. I suddenly come to my senses. What am I doing? Josh probably likes Chelsea or the other way around, and I`m complicating things here. I quickly change the subject.

-I`m only stealing his time for one more day then I will disappear forever. -Josh carries on looking at me. I give him an apologetic smile.

-What`s everyone drinking? –asks David and he takes our order.

The drinks arrive quickly, I play around with the straw in my mojito and listen to their conversations and big laughs. Josh is only drinking sparkling water. The conversation is about one of his new projects. Right now I don`t care about anything, I became antisocial and started messing with my phone and started thinking about whether this is the moment where I call a taxi. My cocktail glass is empty. I stand up and go to the bar. I order my second mojito then when I start to mess around with the surprisingly clear glass, Josh stands next to me.

-Are you interested in the glass making technique? – he looks at the glass in my hand.

-You are right my dear friend. From carefully looking at this glass, I came to the conclusion that it is the copy of a chalice that was made in the 16th century Murano. Excellent job. I`m buying it!

-It`s not for sale for you! – he says quickly then I look at him in surprise.

-What`s with the disadvantageous distinction?

-Do you take everything to heart?

-At least I have a heart unlike you. – I reply.

-What`s wrong with my heart? – he asks.

-I have no clue what`s wrong with it. Maybe it`s made of ice or stone. Or maybe it was taken out years ago during surgery, and now you are being kept alive by something else. – I come up with ideas and Josh looks at me as if he is thinking then smiles.

-What`s wrong dear Lucille? Does it bother you that the world doesn`t revolve around you right now? Am I right that it upsets you? Tell me what would make you happy? Should I get paid clappers? – I love when irony comes out of Josh.

-No surprise that a woman`s soul`s secrets are still a mystery for you. Is it not obvious that I`m having fun? –I lean closer to him and whisper into his ears. –I can finally relax, the paparazzi are gone and the world is finally not revolving around me.

-Don`t worry about me, I`ll be fine. Just leave me alone, please. I can`t make every night of yours better. – the smell of his perfume is amazing.

-Don`t drink any more mojitos otherwise, you will turn into someone else. I don`t recognise you. –he shook his head with a smile.

-Some people get crazy from alcohol, I just get happy. That`s it, deal with it! – I grin then Josh turns around and goes back to his friends.

I still don`t go back to the table, I keep looking around and the `Why don`t we` song from Trust fund Baby is playing when a random man sits next to me and starts kissing my cheeks:

-OMG Lulu, I haven`t seen you in years! How are you? Why didn`t you tell me you were coming home? – Leslie Cross was a good looking, cute guy who played the violin music school. He must be doing some sports as he has a well-built body now. He has short brown hair, brown-green eyes and has freckles around his nose. Brown jeans, white shirt and a huge smile. He is the type of guy that even when he looks good, I wouldn`t notice him but based on his personality he could be a saint.

We used to play in the same band for a few years when I was dreaming about a piano career and I completely forgot that we became good friends in the music camp. We hardly ever write to each other, but our friendship remained the same over the years. I didn`t realise it was him, he got bigger over the last few years. His body looks really nice.

-It`s nice to see you, Leslie. It was a sudden idea, I arrived yesterday. How are you? – Leslie sits next to me and quickly introduces me to his friend David – there are loads of Davids here – who joins us.

Leslie wanted to go to Julliard in New York, which is every musician`s dream, but he didn`t succeed. He went to Community College instead and did his exams there to apply to UCLA`s entertainment and music course, he will finish there in a year. His sisters moved out from home and this was hard on him since the girls always involved their little brother in silly things. Leslie gives me a detailed update on our old classmates from music school.

The funny stories keep coming. He tells me how his last relationship came to an end about a year ago. The girl left with Leslie`s roommate after dating for a few months and they are married now. The newly married man has already regretted being hot-headed and now complains to Leslie. He is now in love with a girl called Becca, who is in the same year, but he is still in the friend zone. After continuously laughing for an hour, I completely forgot about the past hour and I really enjoy their company.

I have another two or three mojitos. When I check the time, I`m surprised to see that it`s already 11 pm. I look towards the box. The group seems to be having a good time. John and David are definitely tipsy, they are standing by the table singing, meanwhile, the girls are laughing hard at them. Josh just turned to look at me. Our eyes met, he stands up and says goodbye, then he walks towards me. I quickly say goodbye to Leslie and David, I wave at the people at the box, then join him. He doesn`t say a word. We sit and the car and make our way home. I know Josh, he is angry with someone, probably with me. I think about what I could say but since I had too much to drink and my brain is a mush I just shrug my shoulders and return to my good mood. In the garage, I struggle to walk in my heels. He can tell but he is not offering any help. His gentleman side disappeared somewhere during the night. In the house, I stop and stand in front of Josh but he just walks past me and goes to his room.

For a while I just stand in the living room, then I realise I was very rude to his friends and I was antisocial which isn`t usually like me. I knock on his door quietly.

-Lucille, not now! – he can`t get rid off me that easily so I open the door. He is laying on his back on the bed, his hands crossed behind his head. He is looking at the ceiling. I clear my throat:

-Josh, I`m sorry, really sorry.

-What for? You were just yourself again. – this sounds hurtful and I look at him in surprise. He slowly gets up from the bed and walks to the window but doesn`t look at me.

-Myself? What do you mean? I don`t usually act like this. – I frown.

-Really? I saw you flirt with other guys before but this was too much even for me. You should have seen yourself...I quickly sober up. I grab his arm and turn him towards me so we can finally look at each other in the eye. Wow, this is what they mean when they say someone could kill with looks.

-Flirt with guys? What are you talking about? Leslie is a good friend of mine, and I only just met the other guy. We were just joking. I wasn`t apologising for that, I apologised because I left your and your friend`s company and didn`t return. But let`s get back to my behaviour you have just described. What did I do to make you angry?

-Lucille, I`m not angry I`m just disappointed by you. – this hurt. Then a second later he says:

-Again. –I look at him in surprise. Again? But we haven`t seen each other in four years. This conversation is confusing me. There are no signs of any emotions on Josh`s face. I turn around and leave his room without a word and with any pride left.

I have a bath, put my PJs on and sit in silence in my room in the middle of my double bed and start thinking. I have plenty of time as once again I can`t fall asleep. I can`t hear any noise from Josh`s room. He is probably sleeping. I still can`t figure out what he meant. I listen to some Leona Lewis songs on my phone. Songs such as the Run, Better in time and Bleeding Love are playing in order. According to my brother, women love to suffer. He is probably right. It`s nearly early morning when I finally fall asleep. My dreams keep chasing each other.

June 24th

I wake up at noon. There`s another letter on the kitchen bar. I had to go. –that`s it. I get it, he doesn`t want to see me. I refresh myself in the bathroom then check my phone. Dad sent me a text in the morning letting me know that they will be back late afternoon. Super. Finally good news. So many things can change in a day...Yesterday I would have been sad that they will be arriving home early and our little privacy with Josh will come to an end. But now I`m just calm. I pack my stuff and call Emma to ask if I could spend the afternoon at theirs. They tell me to hurry up as they are just about to have lunch. They live twenty minutes’ walk away. I leave the keys on the bar and I write `Thank you for the hospitality! L.` on Josh`s previous letter. I close the door behind me. I make my way to Emma`s with my suitcase.

The afternoon goes fast. We have lunch, play some card games with the grandkids, Emma asks some questions about the past four years and they tell me some stories about them and the people who live in the street. I really try to concentrate on them but something inside of me has broken again, something that I have tried to glue back together over the past four years. It disappoints me to realise that I feel exactly the same as I did when I left home. Mum calls me to say they landed. Emma and her family come to the house with me. Together, we wait for the remaining Haggerty family to return. I am home now as if I have never even left.

The taxi pulls up to the house and I jump on to my Mum straight away. I can tell that she knows that something is wrong but maybe she thinks it`s because of the burglary. She won`t question me in front of Emma. Maybe later. I help them with their bags. Mum invites Emma and her family in, makes some coffee meanwhile Dad looks around the house and reads the police statement.

Andrew is already in his room blasting his favourite music channel. He is listening to Numb by Linkin Park, I can deal with that. I sit on the sofa and watch him unpack. We usually see each other once a month when I go to Denver for the weekend and I stayed over at his apartment. I made sure to always go on a weekend when Josh wasn`t there. Sometimes we met up at Princeton with Andy. I was in student accommodation but Mum`s sister, Jenna and our grandparents live close by. Sometimes our parents joined us but we mainly focused on holidays, we spent the summers on the beach and the winters in the mountains. During the last year, Andrew`s girlfriend Annie came with us as well. She is a fragile, brown-haired, grey-eyed, sensitive girl who is the dreamy type. I had to admit that she suits Andy more than his previous girls. Andy is happy and clearly in love. While he throws some clothes away he looks at me and finally says:

-You look dreamy.

-Really? You have eagle eyes. –I smile, I know I can`t tell him anything as they are good friends. I`m sure Josh didn`t say anything as Andrew would have already said something if he did. Let`s keep it this way.

-Another quality conversation. Something bothering you? Can I help? – no point answering so I change the topic.

-How`s Annie, when will she arrive?

-She would like to be here for the BBQ party on the weekend but she might only get here for your birthday party. She still has an exam to do.

-I don`t really want a birthday party. Why don`t we just go for a meal?

-No way! Mum and Dad already advertised it. Vicky will be here, and my friends from uni, Mum`s colleagues, some relatives and some neighbours want to see you. We don`t need a better reason. You can do it all in one and you`re done for the summer.

-I give up! Fine. –I smile, I really enjoy his company. Andrew is always happy and it`s contagious. He never complicates life. But he can really annoy me with one thing. He always has a friend who he thinks is a perfect match for me. He loves setting up blind dates. I want to make the boundaries clear:

-Andy, I`m telling you now, don`t try to send a Casanova, Romeo or Don Juan my way. Let this be my present.

-Your wish is granted! – he says but doesn`t look me in the eye. He probably already organised something. He is driving me crazy. I`m on the way out of his room when he asks:

-Was everything okay with Josh? – I freeze but don`t turn around.

-Sure.

-Good then. I`ll give him a call in a bit. It would be nice to see him tonight. –I don`t react to this. I go to my room to sort some stuff out.

An hour later Mum shouts to let us know dinner is ready. Everything is the same as it was when we were kids. Andy shouts back to say he is going out and will eat later. Dad Mumbles. It`s relaxing to be at home. Somehow everything falls into place. I wait until Andrew leaves then start eating in the kitchen. Mum asks me about what was bothering me and I just tell her everything is fine until she actually believes me, then we start to talk about the weekend BBQ. They only want to invite a few people. Maybe 7-8 people. We can have a crowd on my birthday. She and Dad start talking about who to invite and I go back upstairs to my room and call Vicky.

Vicky is the opposite of me in a lot of ways. Especially looks wise. She has short black hair and big dark eyes. Her skin is very fair, it gives her a French look. She dresses in French style and it really suits her. She is a bit shorter than I am but our body shapes are quite similar. She is very calm, very wise and can hold a conversation. She always thinks twice before speaking, therefore nothing ever comes out of her mouth that she would regret, unlike me. We were friends even before primary school. They lived a street away from us. Our friendship got stronger over the years. She will be living with one of her cousin`s, I have offered to let her sleep in my room but she said `we were together for a year, let`s enjoy that we don`t have to compromise with anyone for a bit`. Of course, she is right again.

Four years ago Vicky was also here at my ominous birthday party. Maybe it`s time that I tell her what happened then, or maybe what not happened. The story goes back all the way to my childhood. Andrew invited Josh over a lot and he usually stayed over on the weekends. They are five years older than me and when our parents were busy, they used to look after me a lot from when I went to primary school. I grew up as if Josh was my brother. He sat by the pool when I and Vicky were swimming. He held my hand when we went on road trips. If Andrew couldn`t be bothered, he helped me study and we quickly grew up together.

I was twelve or thirteen towards the end of primary school when our relationship changed. He said some nasty comments and teased me. First I cried a lot but Mum explained to me that he doesn`t mean to hurt me, he is just a teenager and this is how he shows his interest. I put my gloves on. Over the years we developed a special way of conversation. We were never short of comments full of irony. He could never walk past me without making a comment about my body, or my age which would belittle me. This became part of my days so much that we were actually waiting for each other`s replies. We rewarded the more intelligent comments with smiles. He often said `you will understand when you grow up`. A 14-year-old girl should not argue with a 19-year-old man. Our friendship group first listened to us in shock but then they got used to it and when we started they just waved – they are not normal. We didn`t really talk to each other when high school girlfriends or guys who tried with me appeared on the scene.