Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies E-Book

Brent Bradley

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 606

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2013

Beschreibung

A practical, down-to-earth guide to using the world's most successful approach to couple therapy

One of the most successful therapeutic approaches to healing dysfunctional relationships, emotionally focused couple therapy provides clients with powerful insights into how and why they may be suppressing their emotions and teaches them practical ways to deal with those feelings more constructively for improved relationships. Unlike cognitive-behavioural therapy, which provides effective short-term coping skills, emotionally focused therapy often is prescribed as a second-stage treatment for couples with lingering emotional difficulties. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies introduces readers to this ground-breaking therapy, offering simple, proven strategies and tools for dealing with problems with bonding, attachment and emotions, the universal cornerstones of healthy relationships.

• An indispensable resource for readers who would like to manage their relationship problems independently through home study
• Delivers powerful techniques for dealing with unpleasant emotions, rather than repressing them and for responding constructively to complex relationship issues
• The perfect introduction to EFT basics for therapists considering expanding their practices to include emotionally focused therapy methods
• Packed with fascinating and instructive case studies and examples of EFT in action, from the authors' case files
• Provides valuable guidance on finding, selecting and working with the right EFT certified therapist

Leseprobe

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies®

Published by: John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd., 6045 Freemont Blvd., Mississauga, ON L5R 4J3, www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2013 by John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd.

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Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Bradley, Brent A., author Emotionally focused couple therapy for dummies / Brent Bradley, James Furrow.

(For dummies)Includes index.Issued in print and electronic formats.ISBN 978-1-118-51231-9 (pbk.)--ISBN 978-1-118-51233-3 (pdf).--ISBN 978-1-118-51240-1 (epub)

1. Couples therapy. 2. Emotion-focused therapy I. Furrow, James L., author II. Title. III. Series: For dummies

RC 488.5.B73 2013 616.89'1562 CS2013-903235-5 CS2013-903236-3

ISBN 978-1-118-51231-9 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-118-51239-5 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-51233-3 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-51240-1 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies®

Visit www.dummies.com/cheatsheet/emotionallyfocusedcouplestherapy to view this book's cheat sheet.

Table of Contents

Introduction

About This Book

Foolish Assumptions

Icons Used in This Book

Beyond the Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I: Essentials of Emotionally Focused Therapy

Chapter 1: The Basics of Emotionally Focused Therapy

Understanding the Emotionally Focused Therapy Approach

Considering Your Own Arguing Cycle

De-escalating Your Conflict Cycle

Finding Each Other in New Ways

Caring About Each Other’s Needs

Opening Up to Each Other

Facing the Future Together

Tackling Problematic Issues Together

Chapter 2: Understanding the Power of Emotion in Relationships

Trusting Emotion

Defining the Role of Emotion in Relationships

Identifying the Differences between Positive and Negative Emotions

Seeing What Science Has to Say about Emotion

Recent brain research

The brain’s way of keeping us connected

How fear works in the brain

Understanding Attachment Theory and the Emotional World of Relationships

The foundation of felt security

Staying in sync

Understanding reactive strategies of insecurity

Chapter 3: Organizing Your Emotional World

Unpacking Emotion, Up Close and Personal

Experiencing affect

Recognizing feelings

Communicating emotion

Discovering the Process of Emotion

Recognizing the trigger

Acknowledging the feeling

Naming the experience

Moving to action

Putting it all together

Chapter 4: Identifying the Three Levels of Emotional Experience

Discovering the Importance of Primary Emotion

What primary emotion says about you and your relationship

How your own primary emotion impacts your partner

How to use your primary emotion

Secondary Emotion: What You Feel after Your Gut Reacts

Uncovering your own secondary emotional reactions

Identifying how secondary emotion pushes your partner away

Instrumental Emotion: What You Show But Don’t Feel

Part II: Emotionally Focused Therapy in Action: Moving from Problems to Patterns

Chapter 5: Finding Common Patterns of Conflict

Remembering the Early Days of Your Relationship

Thinking about when you first met

Considering your partner’s positives

Revisiting why you fell in love

Understanding How Couples Argue in Predictable Ways

Seeing the impact of negative emotions

Repeating cycles of negative emotion

Discovering the Three Fighting Styles

Attack/attack

Attack/defend

Silent/silent

Looking At What’s Going On Underneath

Acting defensive for a reason

Sounding the alarm

What we don’t talk about

Chapter 6: Finding Common Roles in Conflict

Delving into Your Relationship Histories

Looking at what your parents taught you about relationships

Remembering who was there for you

Talking about your histories

Making Sense of Pursuing

The logic of pursuers

Common actions of pursuit

Getting Familiar with Withdrawing

The logic of withdrawal

Common actions of withdrawal

Chapter 7: Working Toward Fighting Less and Feeling Better

Staying Aware of Patterns and Roles

Exploring Ways to Stay Connected When Facing Conflicts

Hitting the brakes

Looking inside for understanding

Listening to your body

Finding Exits Before It’s Too Late

Stopping in time

Calling out the pattern

Listening for hurt

Talking about the pattern

Speaking for yourself

Opening up to vulnerability

Moving Away from Fighting and Toward Each Other

Naming your pattern

Making it two against the pattern

Noticing when things go well

Part III: Finding Intimacy in New Ways

Chapter 8: Seeing through Withdrawing Eyes

Looking Under the Hood: Why Withdrawing Makes Sense

Finding Your Fears

Seeing what the fear is about

Finding your needs emerging from your fears

Chapter 9: Seeing through Pursuing Eyes

Looking Inside Pursuit

Making sense of pursuit

Identifying common emotional states of pursuers

Engaging the hurt within

Recognizing Your Fears

Seeing what the fear is about

Finding your needs emerging from your fears

Chapter 10: Facing Fears and Finding Each Other

Refusing to Withdraw: Daring to Reach for Your Partner

Facing your fear as a withdrawer

Sharing your fears and needs

Receiving your partner’s reach

Resisting Pursuing: Sharing Your Fears with Your Partner

Facing your fears and being seen

Sharing your fears and needs

Responding to your partner’s reach

Chapter 11: Overcoming Common Blocks

Dismantling the Power of Shame

Locating shame in your own life

Understanding shame

Taming the voice of shame

Letting your partner in

Overcoming Broken Trust

Identifying common areas of broken trust

Discovering the blocks that protect

Facing damage done

Beginning to trust again

Chapter 12: Dealing with Infidelity

Gaining an Emotionally Focused Understanding of Infidelity

Seeing infidelity from both sides

Recognizing that not all affairs are the same

Understanding attachment strategies and why they matter

Overcoming Affairs and Healing Injuries

Coping and relationship first aid

Healing as a process of forgiveness

Healing the Injury of Infidelity in Emotionally Focused Therapy

Walking through emotional storms

Making sense and recovering hope

Offering forgiveness and risking trust

Protecting Your Relationship from Affairs

Part IV: Moving Forward Together

Chapter 13: Finding New Solutions to Old Problems

Getting Back on Track after the Cycle Returns

Refusing to panic

Seeing the big picture

Tackling Common Sticking Points

In-laws and extended families

Finances

Sex

Working Through Old Issues with New Resources

Seeing the pattern

Stopping the cycle

Moving to vulnerability

Practicing Emotional Engagement

Tuning in to what matters

Engaging vulnerability

Responding to one another

Chapter 14: Securing Your Future

Telling Your New Story

Identifying the characteristics of a secure relationship

Strengthening a secure base

Reflecting on your progress

Honoring how far you’ve come

Investing in Your Future

Looking at common relationship rituals

Making rituals of your own

Releasing the Power of Positive Emotions

Chapter 15: Working with a Couple Therapist

Identifying When You May Need Couple Therapy

Common warning signs

When couple therapy may not help

Knowing What to Expect in Couple Therapy

How long will it last?

Will the therapist see you and your partner together or individually?

What does an emotionally focused therapist do?

How do you know if the therapist is any good?

How does change happen?

Finding the Right Therapist

Part V: The Part of Tens

Chapter 16: Ten Questions to Ask a Therapist Before You Make an Appointment

What Is Your State License and Professional Affiliation?

What Approach Do You Use in Couple Therapy?

What Kind of Training Have You Had in Couple Therapy?

What Percentage of Your Practice Is Working with Couples?

Do You Mainly Meet with Partners as a Couple or as Individuals?

Do You Focus More on Strengthening the Couple or on Each Partner Individually?

What Do You Focus on Most When Working with Couples?

What Do You Do If a Couple Isn’t Sure They Should Stay Together?

When Should Couples Stay Together or Break Up?

What Percentage of the Couples You’ve Seen Would Say You Helped Them Improve Their Relationship?

Chapter 17: Ten Rituals to Bring You Closer

Hello and Goodbye

Scheduling Regular Date Nights

Sending Notes and Cards

Setting Aside Time to Talk

Learning Something New Together

Investing in Activities to Strengthen Your Relationship

Celebrating Important Events

Finding an Interest You Can Share

Serving Others

Being Affectionate

Chapter 18: Ten Myths about Emotion and Relationships

Myth #1: Men Don’t Do Emotions

Myth #2: Women Are More Sensitive than Men

Myth #3: Emotions Are Irrational

Myth #4: Emotions Get in the Way of Making Good Decisions

Myth #5: Your Thoughts Are in Charge of Your Emotions

Myth #6: Painful Feelings Are Always Bad

Myth #7: Experiencing Emotion Makes It Worse

Myth #8: Emotions Get in the Way of Business Decisions

Myth #9: Anger Is Always Bad

Myth #10: Happy Couples Don’t Argue

Chapter 19: Ten Myths about Sex

Myth #1: All Men Care About Is Sex

Myth #2: Good Sex Always Leads to Orgasm

Myth #3: Most Couples Have Sex Four Times a Week

Myth #4: Unmarried Couples Who Live Together Have More Sex Than Married Couples Do

Myth #5: Simultaneous Orgasms Happen All the Time

Myth #6: Women Are the Ones Saying, “Not Tonight, Honey”

Myth #7: Sex Equals Intercourse

Myth #8: Men Understand Women or Women Understand Men

Myth #9: Hot Sex Based on “Romantic Love” Should Never Fade

Myth #10: Pornography Is Good for Your Sex Life

Appendix: Resources

Cheat Sheet

Introduction

Every day, we talk to couples who want something more from their relationships. Some are struggling to renew a passion they once had. Others are fighting to survive as a couple. The turning point for most couples is not resolving a particular disagreement or making a new decision but finding new ways to face each other through these challenges. For some, this change is about regaining the love they once had, and for others it’s about finding love for the first time. The key to transforming a relationship begins with an emotional connection.

Over time couples learn to get along, make adjustments, and sometimes settle into predictable patterns. If you and your partner are one of these couples, taking a hard look at how you get along and what you do to keep the peace will open new doors for growth. Resilience in a relationship begins with making positive emotional connections and new investments in the love you share.

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) was developed by psychologists Susan Johnson and Leslie Greenberg at the University of British Columbia at a time when therapists and researchers were focused on changing behaviors to improve a couple’s relationship. Behavior change helped partners make significant improvements in treatment, but for many couples these gains didn’t last. EFT pioneered a new approach to improving relationships through emotion-based change.

Research studies have found that EFT is an effective treatment for distressed couples. More than 70 percent of couples receiving EFT recover from symptoms of relationship distress; up to 90 percent report seeing improvements in their relationship. Over 25 years of research has documented EFT’s benefits to couples who are also facing other challenges, including depression, sexual disorders, traumatic exposure, depression, breast cancer, and childhood illness.

EFT is more than a clinically proven approach. It offers couples a new experience of their relationship, one that provides renewed trust and a deeper level of intimacy. EFT principles and practices enable couples to identify common patterns that define their conflicts and enable partners to shift out of positions that often keep them stuck. Partners are able to face their challenges together and find safety and a deep sense of well-being in the love they share.

About This Book

The purpose of this book is to provide you with an experience of EFT. We take you inside the EFT process and offer insights and activities that will strengthen your relationship. Our goal is to invite you to better understand your own emotions and share those emotions with your partner. We hope your partner will join you on this journey and that, together, you will take new steps to deepen your commitment to a relationship you can count on in the years to come.

In this book, you find

The power of emotions to organize you and your relationship

Key differences between types of emotion

Ways to identify your conflict style and the role you play

Predictable strategies couples use to manage difficult emotions

Ways to overcome fears and resolve unspoken needs

Steps for facing obstacles to a more caring and intimate relationship

Rituals that will strengthen the emotional connection you and your partner share

EFT works with experience, and we’ve written this book with that in mind. Each chapter includes examples of couples working through various challenges. These stories take you inside the experience of couples in the process of EFT. We hope that these examples speak to some of the issues you and your partner are facing as well. You also find activities that invite you into an EFT experience. You’ll get the most from this book when you follow these examples and practice these exercises with your partner.

This book is a reference, which means you don’t have to read it straight through from beginning to end. Instead, you can dip into the chapters that you and your partner need most today. You don’t need to have read the chapters that come before — you can dive right into the middle of the book and find what you need.

You can skip two types of text without missing crucial information:

Sidebars: These shaded gray boxes include information that may interest you but isn’t critical to your understanding of the subject at hand.

Anything marked by the Technical Stuff icon: For more information on the Technical Stuff icon, see “Icons Used in This Book,” later in this Introduction.

Finally, within this book, you may note that some web addresses break across two lines of text. If you’re reading this book in print and want to visit one of these web pages, simply key in the web address exactly as it’s noted in the text, pretending as though the line break doesn’t exist. If you’re reading this as an e-book, you’ve got it easy — just click the web address to be taken directly to the web page.

Foolish Assumptions

We’re going to take a wild guess that you’re reading this book because your relationship is important to you. Reading this book could have been your idea or your partner’s idea, but either way you’re looking for clear ideas on how working with emotions can give you a stronger and more vital relationship.

You may be reading this book because your therapist recommended it — but you don’t have to be in therapy to benefit from Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies.

Finally, you may be a therapist yourself. If so, we hope you find this no-nonsense approach to EFT a practical resource for supporting your work.

Icons Used in This Book

Icons are a handy way to catch your attention as you read. They can help you pick out key concepts throughout the book. The icons come in several varieties, each with its own special meaning:

The Activity icon indicates an exercise that you may want to do with your partner. Make sure you have a notebook to record your answers and responses to these exercises.

The Real-World Example icon marks stories of couples we’ve worked with in therapy. None of these stories is based on an actual couple. Any resemblance to a specific person, either living or dead, is purely coincidence. The stories themselves are based on composites of couples we’ve worked with and provide an accurate representation of the process of EFT.

The Remember icon highlights information that you’ll want to remember after you’ve set down this book.

When we get into some details that only a therapist might find fascinating, we mark it with a Technical Stuff icon. If you’re not a therapist, you may still find this material interesting, but it isn’t essential to your understanding of the subject.

The Tip icon points out practical information that is likely to help your relationship.

The Warning icon draws your attention to things you want to avoid because they can cause you or your relationship pain or harm or just slow your progress.

Beyond the Book

In addition to the material in the print or e-book you're reading right now, this product also comes with some access-anywhere goodies on the web. Check out the free Cheat Sheet at www.dummies.com/cheatsheet/emotionallyfocusedcoupletherapy for warning signs of a struggling relationship, six keys to a resilient relationship, tips on reigniting the passion in your sex life, and advice on how to rebuild after an affair.

Where to Go from Here

You can read this book however you like, using the Table of Contents and Index to locate the information you need. If you’re not sure where to begin, we suggest that you start by reading Part I, to get an overview of EFT.

Wherever you begin, remember that emotional safety is key. If you’re walking the tight wire of your relationship in doing one of these exercises, your insecurity will undermine your ability to take new steps as a couple. Work up to some of the later exercises in the book as a couple. When needed, seek the help of a competent couple therapist.

The steps you and your partner take together to invest in greater security and a deeper commitment of love will bring growth and well-being for you and those you love.

Part I

Essentials of Emotionally Focused Therapy

In this part . . .

Emotion plays a powerful role in relationships. In this part, we spotlight emotions and the influence they have in shaping how couples get along. Here, you find an overview of emotionally focused therapy and its innovative approach to strengthening intimacy and love. We describe recent developments in neuroscience and why emotion is now understood as a major player in how people respond and react in their most intimate relationships. We also show you different levels of emotions and how you can recognize their influence in your relationship. The exercises in this part will help you gain a better handle on your emotions and how they can bring you and your partner closer to one another.

Chapter 1

The Basics of Emotionally Focused Therapy

In This Chapter

Focusing on your relationship

Stopping the arguing merry-go-round

Coming closer

Shaping your future together

Many men’s stomachs instantly churn when they hear the words couple therapy. They often believe that if they go to therapy, they’ll be blamed for everything that’s wrong in the relationship.

“I’m not going to couple therapy,” Mike told Angelina. “No way. I’ll get in there, and you guys will eat me up.”

The fear is that two women — the wife and the therapist — will team up against him, like a tag-team wrestling match, except this will be real. More like a tag-team UFC match. And when that cage door is shut, there’s no turning back!

Many men see couple therapy as a lamb being led to the slaughter — and they’re the lambs!

Men do have cause for concern. We’ve both seen men being unduly blamed. But we’ve also seen this done to women. The family therapy field is littered with old textbooks from the ’70s and ’80s, pinpointing women as the villains.

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is different. In this approach, the relationship itself is the client. The emotionally focused therapist believes that partners have a good reason for their behavior, even if it often isn’t the best course of action for sustaining a loving relationship. There are reasons for your behavior and your partner’s behavior that make sense, and it’s up to the therapist to help you and your partner uncover these reasons.

A funny thing happens on this journey: As you begin uncovering the reasons behind your destructive behaviors, these pesky things called emotions emerge. We’re not talking about just anger, frustration, and jealousy. We’re talking about hurt, sadness, and fear. Vulnerable emotions. Emotions that couples rarely, if ever, show to each other.

Understanding the Emotionally Focused Therapy Approach

Change happens in EFT by heeding your gut-level, core emotion in response to your partner in key relationship situations. These core emotions too often occur outside your daily awareness. Your hurt, for example, immediately occurs when your partner forgets something important to you, yet again. This hurt is powerful, and you feel it in your body. But the core hurt is quickly replaced with an emerging anger that begins coursing through your veins.