Family Constellations E-Book

Jakob R Schneider

• Herausgeber: Carl-Auer Verlag
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 388

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

What helps love to flow freely? What keeps us entangled in the lives and fates of others? What can free us from entanglements? Family constellations can help us to look at these issues and take steps towards a happier and more fulfilled life. Family members often become entangled in the lives and fates of others in the family system. This book describes this process, how this appears in family constellations, and how it can be resolved. It clarifies the orders of love in the soul that support relationships between partners, parents and children, and others in the family system. It looks at how family constellations can help lay the past to rest and redirect life energy towards the future. Jakob Robert Schneider calls upon his rich background of experience in this accessible and well-grounded look at family constellations, from the basics to the depths of this work. Constellation leaders at all levels of experience will find support and inspiration in the open and informed discussion. Non-professionals can get an overview and orientation to this approach to family systems. "This is a completely up-to-date, basic introduction to family constellations that is well structured, concise, and supported by many clear and often touching case examples. It summarises the development, basic principles, focus, attitude, and various procedures of constellations and it does so in a way that is always comprehensible, logical, differentiated, and stimulating. I know of no book that describes the broad scope of family constellations in such a clear, compact, yet comprehensive way." Dr. Gunthard Weber

Leseprobe

Jakob Robert Schneider

Family Constellations

Basic Principles and Procedures

Translated by Colleen Beaumont

eBook, 2020

Series Design Cover: Uwe Göbel

Coverpainting: Maja Rodrian, Munich

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eBook edition, 2020

ISBN 978-3-8497-8146-0 (ePUB)

Copyright © 2020 by Carl-Auer-Systeme Verlag

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whatsoever without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Title of the original edition:

„Das Familienstellen“

© 2006 by Carl-Auer-Systeme, Heidelberg

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Table of Contents

Foreword

Prologue

1Introduction

What is new and compelling about family constellations?

An Example: Fear of Public Speaking

2Constellation Processes

Constellations

A Case Example

Analysis

From Classical Constellations to “Movements of the Soul”

What happens in a constellation?

3Bonding and Resolution

The Soul

Bonds of Love and Entanglements

Conscience

Three Dynamics of Conscience: Belonging, Balance, and Order

The Three Levels of Conscience: Group conscience, Personal Conscience, and Universal Conscience

The Effects of the Bonds of Fate

The Circle of Those Who Are Bound by Love

Excluded Persons and Their Representatives

Imitation

Following Another

Representing Another

Help, Reparations, and Fulfilment

Horror and Atrocity

Justice: The Rewards and the Price

The Dead Are Present Among Us

The Resolving Forces of the Soul

Reclaiming the Excluded

Grieving for the Dead and Letting Them Go

Leaving Illusion Behind

Reconciliation

Justice Forgone and Appropriate Compensation

Letting Go of Trauma

Love With Clear Vision

The Orders of Love

Basic Orders

Orders and Complex Family Relationships

Man and Woman

Giving and Taking Between Parents and Children

The Flow of Life: Obstacles and Solutions

Children Comforting Needy Parents

A Partner Relationship Between Parent and Child

Interrupted Reaching-Out Movements and a Refusal to Reach Out

Blame

Depression

Spirituality

Please, Thank You, Yes, and Yes to Adversity

4Elements of Constellation Work – More Than Merely a Method

Contact

The Issue

Information

The Choice of Relationship System

The Choice of Representatives

The Constellation

The Constellation Image

Dynamics of the Soul

Constellations Using Movements of the Soul

Constellations Using Orders of Love

The Orders of Family Systems

Clarifying Images

Statements of Bonding and Resolution

Moving Rituals

Bowing Down

The Ritual of Standing in a Line of Ancestors

Constellations of the “Greater Soul”

Ending a Constellation

5Applications and Effects of Family Constellations

The Setting: Group, Individual, Telephone Sessions

Applications

The Results of Family Constellations

The Effects of a Family Constellation

Connections to The Facts

How Clients Deal With a Constellation

6Comments on a Theory of Family Constellations

Representatives’ Awareness

Model of Explanation

The Representatives

“RelativeTable of Contents” Representation

Truth and Reality – The Phenomenological Method

The Systemic Method

Helping

Psychotherapy, Counselling, Support in Life Crises, and Applied Philosophy?

Bibliography

About the Author

Foreword

This book does not actually need a foreword, nor does it need any words of invitation, preparation, or explanation. It speaks entirely for itself. Originally, the book was planned as a compact introduction to family constellation work and was to be part of a new series of introductions to various systemic approaches and related topics. The task of streamlining shortening a manuscript makes it pithier, more lively and forceful. As we read Jakob Schneider’s first draft, however, it was clear that it was already so clear and compact that it would be a pity to cut it shorter, so we encouraged him to do the opposite and expand the text.

The result is a completely up-to-date, basic introduction to family constellations that is well structured, concise, and supported by many clear and often touching case examples. It summarises the development, basic principles, focus, attitude, and procedures of constellations and it does so in a way that is always logical, differentiated, and stimulating. To round it off, there are a few basic theoretical considerations.

All of the insights, concepts, principles, and basics that were initially developed by Bert Hellinger (conscience, soul, orders of love and helping, dynamics of bonds and entanglements, and resolution), are included here in brief, in a form that is easy to understand. I know of no book that describes the broad scope of family constellations in such a clear, compact, yet comprehensive way. This book does not preach, it does not seduce, and it does not immobilise. Rather, it invites readers to form their own ideas about family constellations and to draw their own conclusions. In the author’s style and expression, readers already have a taste of the attitude that underlies all family constellation work: collected awareness, a respectful orientation towards resources and resolutions, and extreme reserve in setting intentions or goals.

Jakob Schneider has been friends with Bert Hellinger for many years and is the only therapist who has continued long-term to offer constellation work the way Bert Hellinger developed it. Because of his non-dogmatic, non-prescriptive, neutral stance, readers are not tempted to react to the ideas defensively as has happened (at least to me) with other books on family constellations. Although Jakob Schneider remains very close to Bert Hellinger’s conceptualisation, this book is very much his own. Constellation work has been at the centre of his work and that of his wife, Sieglinde, for a very long time, and his intensive confrontation with the work through twenty years of experience is clearly visible. The work is clearly embodied in him in his flesh and blood (or, perhaps the work is individually “tailored” to him, in keeping with his name, Schneider, the German word for tailor). Since he often works abroad, the book opens a wide horizon that often goes far beyond the usual boundaries of counselling and psychotherapy in a sensitive way that I find satisfying and not artificially elevated.

Just as Paul Watzlawick was able to present Gregory Bateson’s ideas to readers in an attractive and accessible way, this book could help to raise awareness of Bert Hellinger’s insights and of family constellation work, a work whose deep and unique effects continue to move and amaze me.

The book has something to offer everyone who is already working with constellations, but also those who are interested in gaining an overview of this work.

Gunthard WeberWiesloch, February 2007

Prologue

The family constellation work initiated by Bert Hellinger has now grown far beyond its infancy. In an astoundingly short period of time, the work has spread to reach large numbers of people in Germanspeaking countries and further throughout the world. The people attracted to this approach are interested in problem-solving methods that also incorporate an awareness of the existence of the human soul. Many psychotherapists and counsellors from various backgrounds are now offering constellation work in a wide range of therapeutic settings with groups, individuals, couples, and families.

Alongside the spread of family constellations and other systemic constellation work, there has been widespread criticism voiced about Bert Hellinger and other constellation leaders, and about the method in general. Unfortunately, the criticism has too often been put forth without any basis in actual experience or an in-depth knowledge of what really happens in family constellations.

So, what really happens in family constellations? What insights and experiences are engendered by this “phenomenological-systemic” method, as it is sometimes called? What does one need to know in order to understand family constellations, or to practise the method? What is needed to understand the basic methodology, the processes of bonding and resolution in a relationship system, the role of conscience, the soul, fate, entanglements and the kind of acceptance that bring resolution? How strongly do the “orders of love” influence chances of success in a relationship? How do “orders” and “movements of the soul” fit together in constellations? In which areas of counselling and psychotherapy can family constellations be used, and what are the effects? In what sense can we understand the process in family constellations as phenomenological and systemic? What explanations can we offer for the fact that representatives seem to have access to a foreign sensory awareness, a key factor in the constellation method?

This book is intended for everyone who is interested in family constellations as well as those who are learning to use the method. It presents insights gleaned from 20 years’ practice of family constellations that add to our general understanding of family dynamics and intimate human relationships. Those who are interested in delving deeper into the literature of family and systemic constellations are referred to the reading list, which includes books by Bert Hellinger and others.

There are few references to other literature and little discussion of a general nature in this book. It is restricted to a description of one method, and the basic processes of bonding and resolution in the soul as they appear in family constellations. I am writing from my own point of view, describing my own experiences and thoughts on the subject. It is not my intention to refute the wider criticisms of this method, nor to give an overview of the wide variety of methods and perspectives within the constellation work as a whole. Whenever any new method develops and spreads, there is a confrontation with other approaches and the emergence of new practices and applications. Starting with Bert Hellinger’s original formulation, I hope to articulate a current understanding of constellation work that addresses the essentials of this approach, and also explores further implications, suggested by our experiences in constellations, as to the nature of relationships in our lives.

Throughout the book I have employed several linguistic conventions. When I refer simply to “the father” or “the mother”, in the examples of constellations, I mean the representatives of these family members. If I am talking about the actual client or actual family members, I will make that clear. The case examples are largely related from memory and have been altered slightly to protect the anonymity of those involved. They are not intended to serve as documentation or “proof”, but rather to illustrate particular concepts, and are accurate in all details relative to those concepts.

To avoid repeatedly mentioning that constellation leaders may be psychotherapists, counsellors, social workers, or others in the helping professions, I am using the word “therapist” for all those who lead constellations, and the word “client” for those who are seeking help or guidance. This presents some inherent problems, since family constellations, in and of themselves, are not psychotherapy, and those who are seeking help, guidance, or a path of personal development using this method are not necessarily in treatment of any kind. However, these terms seem to be the most comprehensive and understandable both for psychotherapists and for lay readers, and they reflect a general idea in the simplest way. I would ask the reader to take these terms only in the widest sense. This does not take into consideration any legal restrictions on who is allowed to practise psychotherapy or call themselves psychotherapists, or the various conditions under which constellation work may be offered. Those are separate regulatory issues, which are of practical importance.

A word about me, personally: I have been working with family constellations for twenty years. Following a constellation of my own family, led by Bert Hellinger in the early stages of his developing this method, I felt I had to try it out myself, immediately, in my work with youths and students. Family constellation work quickly became an invaluable core of my work as a marriage and family counsellor. My experiences as a friend of Bert Hellinger, and intense observer of his methods of working with clients and his style of teaching have furthered my own development and been adapted to suit my own personal style. Through constellation work, I have been privileged to meet many colleagues in Germany and abroad, and I continue to be impressed by the warmhearted dedication, the depth of understanding, and the wide variety of personal expression that they have contributed to the development of family constellation work and to practices in their own areas. Without those meetings, this book would surely never have been written.

Countless clients have allowed me the privilege of participating in their fate and their exploration of change. Their contributions are also essential to this book, and I feel deeply connected to all of them.

I would like to give particular thanks to my friend, Dr Gunthard Weber, who prompted me to write the book. It is always a pleasure and a thrill to exchange ideas with him about family constellation. Thanks also to Dr Norbert Linz and Harald Scheubner for their editorial efforts and many valuable suggestions. My wife has played a very special role in the writing of this book. Her ear was always available for my many questions, her encouragement never wavered, and her profound understanding of the subject matter has greatly enriched my efforts.

This book is dedicated to my teacher and friend, Bert Hellinger. What he has opened up for me and so many others with his insights and his open heart is a great treasure.

For those of you who are already familiar with this subject, and those of you who are interested in learning something about it, I hope that this summarised presentation provides you a useful overview.

Jakob Robert SchneiderMunich, January 2007

1Introduction

What is new and compelling about family constellations?

Those drawn to family constellations often look first at one person, Bert Hellinger. Many people have experienced him as helpful when they were in need, and have sensed in him a quality of strength and wisdom, a deep sensitivity towards the dynamics and degree of order in relationships, and an awareness of the soul’s response to events. Therapists as well as clients have experienced a clear inner resonance and response to Hellinger and his work and a sense that what is transmitted rings true and is of great value. He has been intrepid in plumbing the depths of human fates, and has had the courage to openly reveal the potential and the limitations of his interventions.

However, Bert Hellinger’s personal effectiveness alone does not adequately explain the rapid spread of family constellations. Whether in individual or group sessions, various elements of many psychotherapeutic approaches come together to create a tool that allows processes of the soul to be seen and experienced directly. It is a method that focuses on the factors that are essential for resolution. At the same time, this instrument leads into a depth of human experience and discovery that reaches beyond the sometimes-narrow boundaries of psychotherapy into an encompassing, collective realm of mind and spirit. Constellations reveal bonds in the soul that are related to events and fates within a family and larger groups, and they often lead to the resolution of the attendant difficulties.

Central to family constellation work is the concept of ‘entanglement’. There may be a powerful impact in a constellation when we become aware that some of the pain we are suffering actually belongs to someone else in the past, but has not yet been laid to rest. We are not responding to actual experiences in our own lives; we seem to be trying to be of service to those in the past, attempting to bring peace to their souls.

Conflicts arise in the soul when opposing forces divide us internally or in our relationships to others. We are forced to either repress one side or engage in battle. We experience ourselves as divided and torn, indecisive and dissatisfied, under a strain that may even feel like insanity. Counselling or psychotherapy is the work of reconciling these warring factions. One of the primary attraction of constellation work is its power to reunite and reconcile such divisions.

This work makes clear that everyone, alive or dead, has an equal right to their place and connection to the system, regardless of their particular fate in life. It can support reconciliation between victims and perpetrators and their families and descendents, even in the most difficult of situations. Those who have been excluded from a family can be returned to their rightful places. Constellations offer a path that leads to peace in the heart, even in the throes of conflict.

An Example: Fear of Public Speaking

In an advanced training group for psychotherapists, a client was brought in to participate in a demonstration of family constellation work. The man stated his issue:

“I am at the top management level of my company and I often have to give presentations to large groups. Even though I am successful and respected in my work, I suffer from severe anxiety whenever I am doing a presentation in front of a group. Probably no one else notices it, but I always break out in a cold sweat. Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming that I try to get out of my obligations to give presentations.” When asked to be more precise about his fears, he said that he couldn’t say exactly what he was afraid of, but experienced a vague fear that something terrible could happen. He could not remember any personal experience that could logically account for his anxiety.

This middle aged, good-looking man was happily married and had two young children. His father had already died, but the man had had a good relationship with both of his parents. In an attempt to deal with his anxieties, the man had tried psychotherapy for a period of some months. Although the client-centred therapy was a positive experience, it did not relieve the presenting problem, which is what brought him to our group.

When asked about any significant events in his family of origin, the man could not immediately come up with any information that might be relevant. Since it was apparent that he was suffering greatly from this affliction, we proceeded with a constellation anyway, and asked him to choose representatives for his father, his mother and for himself, and place them in accordance with his inner sense of their relationship. He placed the father and his own representative facing each other but at a distance. He placed his mother somewhat off to the side, turned towards his father. The father immediately looked down at the floor and seemed very far away, with no relationship to his wife or son. As this sometimes suggests a death, I asked about his father’s parents. The man explained, “My grandfather died very young, while my father was still a small child. My grandmother raised the children alone.” The client was asked to place a representative for his grandfather next to his father. The father, without glancing up, moved several steps away and turned towards a window. The grandfather stood motionless for a while, looking at his grandson. The grandson (the client’s representative) appeared shaky, and seemed mesmerised by his grandfather. The grandfather then made a curious gesture. Several times, he wiped his hands over his face and threw his head backwards. When asked what he was doing, he responded: “I don’t know. It’s as if something flew into my eyes and almost blew my head off.”

The client was extremely moved and said: “My father never spoke about his own father, but my mother told me that before the war, my grandfather was a training officer in the army. One day he was demonstrating how to arm a hand grenade and the grenade exploded in his hand and killed him.” No sooner had the man finished telling this story about his grandfather than, in the constellation, his father threw himself into the grandfather’s arms with heart-wrenching sobs. As if floodgates had opened, all the deep pain and consequences of the terrible, gory past were released, presumably having been locked up in the father’s family all this time. And we could see a strange parallel to the client’s fears about something terrible happening during a presentation. Something terrible really had happened to his grandfather while giving a presentation to his troops. I asked the client to take his representative’s place in the constellation and to approach his father and grandfather. The three men embraced warmly. There was a palpable feeling of relief in the entire training group, and the client appeared very relaxed at the end of the constellation.

This is just one of countless examples of what makes constellations so compelling to so many people. In a short period of time, something was revealed that was immediately understandable and touched the heart. It shed light on current personal difficulties and revealed connections between crucial events and relationships. It opened the possibility for resolution of the issues as well.

2Constellation Processes

The idea of using strangers to represent personal process and relationships is not a new one. Very early on in psychodrama, JL Moreno used role-playing methods taken from improvisational theatre and made inner conflicts and relationship issues visible through dramatisation. Role-playing has also been a favoured method for sorting out social processes, using not only words, but also positioning and gestures. Virginia Satir had a finely tuned sensitivity to the network of family interactions and their effects on individual family members and in her family reconstructions, she created impressively staged scenes of entire multi-generational, extended families. Through the various dialogues that ensued, she would then track the family stories, almost like a detective, searching with her clients for clarification and understanding. “Sculpture” also allowed a glimpse into inner conflicts, as parts of an individual personality were portrayed and then rearranged to bring about useful movements.

Bert Hellinger intuitively grasped the importance of order in families in these psychotherapeutic methods and recognised that insight and direct experience were the essential goals of therapeutic intervention. He incorporated the use of representatives and intensified the process in his own style. He soon recognised that constellations offered a potential for portraying inner processes and the bonds of family relationships. He saw that they could initiate a helpful process in the client when representatives were directed or allowed to move spontaneously. With few questions it was possible to reintegrate excluded family members and promt short dialogues of resolution.

Constellations

The basic procedures for doing a constellation are actually very simple. In the context of a therapy or personal development group, clients are asked to choose representatives for those people who are important to their issue, including a representative for themselves, and to place them in a spatial relationship to one another. These may be members of the person’s family of origin, which could include the client, siblings and parents, or perhaps only the person’s parents and the client. Sometimes a constellation represents only the client and some symptom of distress. The client chooses the representatives from the people present in the group and, without any comment, positions them within the working space. The person should do this according to a feeling, or some inner sense of what is right, without regard to any reasons for this placement and without consideration of any particular time or any images of historical “scenes” from their family life. The person simply keeps an open heart and follows whatever inner impulse might arise. Normally, it needs to be clear who is representing which person or abstraction (abstractions might include a symptom such as anxiety, or an abstract concept such as “the secret” or “death”).

The therapist may ask the client for information about the family history before the beginning of the constellation in order to get a feeling for the “weight” of the elements and to determine which family members should be included in the constellation from the start. The less the representatives know about the facts, the more convincing their feeling responses, but a constellation usually receives the initial impulse from some essential information. Surprisingly, experience has shown that the course of the constellation is more influenced by the feelings and sensory awareness of the representatives than by the information provided by the client or the therapist’s initial conjectures.

When the representatives have been positioned, the client sits down again and watches from outside the working area. After a brief pause to allow everyone to collect themselves, the therapist asks the representatives to report what they are feeling, or any physical symptoms they might be aware of. They may be asked to respond verbally or with a physical expression of some impulse or movement, or with some combination of the two.

In this process, the wisdom of the client’s soul and the “soul” of the family can be seen, felt and experienced through its effects and influence. This experience is available to the client, the therapist, and everyone in the group. The key factor is whether the movements of the representatives, independent or prompted by the therapist, reveal the dynamics operating in the family’s soul and eventually ease the difficulties and lead to an image of resolution. If this process of uncovering dynamics and moving towards resolution begins to stagnate, the therapist has to intervene. Additional representatives for other family members might be included, referring back to the information provided earlier by the client. For example, the therapist might decide to include the client’s grandparents, or a one-time fiancée of the client’s father, or might ask the client for additional information and change the composition of the constellation accordingly. New characters may be added, such as a deceased aunt who had once been in a psychiatric hospital.

The constellation comes to rest when the members of the client’s family have moved from their fateful dynamics to find their way to each other with love and respect, when excluded family members have been re-integrated, and when each member of the family has found an appropriate place.

When the dynamics and the path to resolution are clear, the client is often put into the constellation in place of his or her representative, to experience the ease of standing in a good place in a reconciled or newly organised system. In addition to the movements of the representative that point towards the future, resolutions often demand some kind of ritual. This may include bowing down in respect and acknowledgement or brief communications between particular family members, or between the client and others in the family, especially his or her parents. Such rituals allow the soul to move in the direction of a good resolution, but the spoken words also make very clear to the client what it is that binds him or her to the system and what can bring about resolution.

A Case Example

A young man came into a group hoping to improve his relationships with women, and to find more joy in living. As the man answered questions about his relationship to women, his professional situation, and about his family of origin, the therapist commented that what stood out was how much effort the client put into his life. The man nodded. The therapist asked him to choose representatives for his family and place them in relationship to each other.

The man put his own representative to the right of his mother, his father at some distance on the other side, and his younger sister in front of his father, facing the same direction.

father

mother

S1=

elder son (client)

younger daughter

Diagram 1

After a brief pause, the representatives reported the following:

Father: My daughter has all my attention. I am not aware of anything and I have no feelings at all towards my wife. I feel cut off and I would be happiest if I left.

Mother: Having my son next to me feels good. He’s warming me up. I don’t feel anything towards my husband or my daughter. It would be fine with me if it were just my son and myself.

Son: I don’t feel well. I feel almost sick, and I’m angry. I would like to scream. I can’t stand it here; I have to leave. (He moves spontaneously two steps to the right, away from the mother.)

father

mother

S1=

elder son (client)

younger daughter

Diagram 2

Daughter: It feels nice and warm having my father behind me. I’d like to lean back and close my eyes, and have him take me in his arms. (She does this and the father’s representative holds her.)

The therapist points out to the client, who is sitting next to him in the group, that all the representatives in the constellation are looking in the same direction. This often indicates that they are looking at someone who is missing, someone who died prematurely, or who was struck by some other difficult blow of fate. He asks the client what happened in his family, or his parents’ families.

The young man reports the following facts about his family:

His maternal grandfather left his wife (the client’s mother’s mother) when his mother was seven years old. His mother saw her father a few more times, but then he re-married and the contact was lost. When the client’s mother was 16, her father died. Neither his mother nor his grandmother attended his grandfather’s funeral because they did not learn of his death until some time later.

The client’s paternal grandmother died when his father, an only child, was five years old. The grandfather took care of the child for a while, but then he had to give the boy to his dead wife’s sister. This aunt had no children of her own and she and her husband adopted the child (the client’s father). They lost contact with the boy’s natural father and his fate is unknown.

On the basis of this information, the therapist makes some changes in the constellation. He adds a representative for the mother’s father and puts him in the place where the son had originally been standing. Then he moves the daughter somewhat off to the side and in her place he puts a representative for the father’s mother.

F

father

M

mother

S1

elder son (client)

D2

younger daughter

PGM

paternal grandmother (father’s mother)

MGF

maternal grandfather (mother’s father)

Diagram 3

The client’s mother spontaneously turns towards her father and snuggles up to him like a little girl. She sighs deeply and then smiles happily. The father’s mother, however, moves forward as though sleepwalking until she bumps into someone sitting in the group. The daughter looks at her grandmother and begins to take a step forward, but then remains in her place, albeit uneasily. The client’s father shuts his eyes and becomes very rigid. The therapist, without speaking, takes the father and leads him to follow his mother (the client’s grandmother). After a while, the father reaches out to his mother from behind her and, still with his eyes closed, leans his head on her back. The therapist has the grandmother turn around. She looks at her son and takes him in her arms. The father begins to weep and after struggling with himself about whether to defend himself or to give in, he finally presses himself close to his mother and slowly becomes calm. The daughter has tears in her eyes and she follows her father. She lays her hand comfortingly on his back as if she were his parent.

F

father

M

mother

S1

elder son (client)

D2

younger daughter

PGM

paternal grandmother (father’s mother)

MGF

maternal grandfather (mother’s father)

Diagram 4

The son seems rather uninvolved and when asked says:

Son: It’s good for me to have my mother’s father. I’m relieved that he’s there and I feel better. All that with my father is somehow rather far away from me.

The mother now stands up straight next to her father and says:

Mother: Now, for the first time, I have some feeling for my husband and I notice that he is missing from my side. I’d like it if he would come back. It feels very good and very secure with my father here next to me.

The therapist leads the father back to a position next to his wife and places his mother very near behind him, but in a place where she can see her grandchildren. He places the two children in front of their parents. The son is standing opposite his father and the daughter opposite the mother. He moves the mother’s father a bit off to the side and adds a representative for the mother’s mother to stand behind the mother. He arranges the representatives in order, so that the mother’s father, who died young, can be seen, but has a place somewhat apart from his daughter and his first wife. The mother’s mother strengthens her daughter and the father’s mother stands behind her son, giving good support.

F

father

M

mother

S1

elder son (client)

D2

younger daughter

PGM

paternal grandmother (father’s mother)

MGF

maternal grandfather (mother’s father)

MGM

maternal grandmother (mother’s mother)

Diagram 5

The therapist asks the representatives for their feedback:

Father: The warmth that I felt earlier from the front, from my daughter, is now coming from behind, from my mother, and that feels very good. I am aware of my wife now and for the first time I can really see my children, especially my son. Somehow, I feel a bit proud now. Still, my legs are rather weak.

Mother: I feel good having my mother at my back, but my husband is too far away from me. I’m not happy with this. In some way we are a family now, but I feel an unsatisfied longing and my son is too far away. There is still something between my husband and me, as if there’s something keeping us apart.

Son: I feel much better here now that I’ve got a father, and my grandmother’s look of love touches my heart. When my mother looks so longingly at me, I feel weak. Generally speaking, I could use some strength. Perhaps another man near my father…? My grandfather? (The therapist adds a representative for the father’s father and places him at the father’s side, but at a distance.)

F

father

M

mother

S1

elder son (client)

D2

younger daughter

PGM

paternal grandmother (father’s mother)

MGF

maternal grandfatherr (mother’s father)

MGM

maternal grandmother (mother’s mother)

PGF

paternal grandfather (father’s father)

Diagram 6

Son: Yes, that’s very, very good. (He beams at his grandfather, who smiles back at him.) Now there’s a good balance there.

Daughter: I feel much better. The two grandmothers are good to have. Now my daddy is being taken care of and I don’t have to worry about him. Now I can actually live. My mummy is still missing something.

The therapist asks the client if either of his parents had had a relationship with someone else before they got married, or if anything else occurs to him that could be pertinent. The client says that his father did not have a relationship before he married his wife. He was somewhat younger that the client’s mother. The man vaguely remembers his mother having once spoken about a fiancé who had left her. Otherwise, nothing occurs to him. But, in case it should happen to be important, his mother had an abortion after his sister was born. His mother had told him about that recently, after a row with his father. He had the impression that she felt guilty about the abortion. The therapist chooses a representative for the mother’s one-time fiancé and places him next to the client’s mother.

F

father

M

mother

S1

elder son (client)

D2

younger daughter

PGM

paternal grandmother (father’s mother)

MGF

maternal grandfatherr (mother’s father)

MGM

maternal grandmother (mother’s mother)

PGF

paternal grandfather (father’s father)

MFi

mother’s fiancé

Diagram 7

The mother lays her head on this man’s chest in the same way she had put her head on her father’s chest. She becomes very teary. The therapist asks her to look at the man and say to him: “I miss you. I loved you very much. Despite the pain of your leaving, I have always longed for you. Now it’s time for me to truly let you go. I will remember you fondly.” The therapist leads the ex-fiancé off to the side, but still turned towards the others and clearly seen by them all. He moves the father a bit nearer the mother.

Diagram 8

The therapist then asks the mother to look at her son and say to him: “My dear son, you have been my comfort. Whenever I look at you I feel a bit of my love and longing for my father and my ex-fiancé. Your presence has always been a relief for me, but now I release you. With my father in my heart and my mother close by, I am fine. I am letting go of my old fiancé along with the old pain and the old longings. I leave you to your dad.”

The client, who is sitting in the group, exhales visibly.

Finally, the therapist adds a representative for the aborted child and places this person on the floor in front of the two parents, leaning back against them. Both the father and the mother spontaneously lay their hands on the child’s head. They look directly and warmly at each other for the first time.

The client is asked to assume the place of his representative in the constellation. He stands quietly for a while and puts his arm around his sister. He then leaves her and goes to his father’s father, takes him by the hand and leads him to the grandfather’s son (the client’s father). Silently he embraces the two. The therapist firmly removes the client’s arms from the embrace and moves him back. He asks the father and grandfather to embrace the client instead of him embracing them. They do so energetically, and look at each other openly for the first time. The young man begins to sob deeply in the arms of the two men. A great tension seems to relax and something thaws towards his father. The client’s experience of his relationship with his father has always been distant and indifferent and now, suddenly, his father seems very close and he can feel love towards him. The therapist asks the man to leave off his sobbing and instead to breathe deeply until he really, physically feels his father. After a while the therapist moves the client from the arms of his father and grandfather, and turns him around in front of them so he can feel them at his back. The young man straightens up visibly, his face lightens up, and he nods firmly to the therapist.

F

father

M

mother

S1

elder son (client)

D2

younger daughter

PGM

paternal grandmother (father’s mother)

MGF

maternal grandfatherr (mother’s father)

MGM

maternal grandmother (mother’s mother)

PGF

paternal grandfather (father’s father)

MFi

mother’s fiancé

AC

aborted child

Diagram 9

The constellation ends here.

In this 30-minute constellation, the client and the rest of the group could clearly see a great deal about the dynamics in this family. Many of the group participants nodded knowingly, and some had tears in their eyes. There was no need for the therapist to explain anything. The information provided, the movements, and the spoken communication in the constellation brought sufficient clarity about what the bonds had been in this family and what would leave this young man freer and stronger. His original issue was that his relationships with women had been very unsatisfactory; he had had many girlfriends, but he always felt pulled back from them and the women always felt angry with him for being so unreachable and for refusing to hold up his side of the relationship. He was very successful in his professional life, but that did not bring him joy and a sense of security. Now, he could at least guess at the connections and, more importantly, he could take his rightful place. From this place, having looked at the fate that belonged to his family, he could feel his loving connection to his parents and experience a new vitality and trust in life.

Analysis

We can, of course, analyse this constellation with hindsight. What had happened in this family?

The client’s mother had lost her father at a very early age when her parents separated. At first there was minimal contact with him, but after a while there was none, and then he died. She continued to feel a childlike love and longing for him. Some of these feelings were re-activated in her relationship to her fiancé, but there was a repetition of the earlier childhood situation when he left her. Still, she continued to keep her love and longing for him in her heart, just as for her father. Then, her son came along and took the place of her father and ex-fiancé, and she continued to love them in her son. For the client, that provided a tremendous closeness to his mother, but he felt this as a burden as well. In addition, he experienced his father as lacking in strength and too occupied with himself to free his son from his excessive closeness to his mother.

The client’s father was left in a kind of blind numbness and absence of feelings after the death of his mother, which is a reaction we often see in people who have lost their mothers when they were children. He was well taken care of later by his adoptive parents but, over time, the adoption led to a complete separation from his father in addition to the loss of his mother. He felt abandoned and alone, and closed off his feelings. If he let his love flow, he re-experienced his pain and longing for his mother again and felt drawn to follow her into death. This was his deep, justifiable fear.

The daughter in the family felt the pull towards death behind her father’s hidden feelings. She put all her energy into fighting against this pull and tried to keep her father alive by staying close to him and giving him what he had been denied with his mother. In doing so, she sacrificed part of her carefree childhood and her closeness to her own mother. In her late teens she had to be treated for depression and had a brief bout of anorexia, but recovered. At the time of this constellation, she had been married for two years and was very often ill.

The bonds of the two children with the fates of their parents also separated the sister and brother. Each one had a “task” but they had lost the feeling of simply being the two children of their parents. The actual relationship between the siblings was not problematic, but rather distant. The resolution that emerged in the constellation for the parents was a great relief for the children. They could now, retroactively, hold a mental image of their place as children. The grandparents were granted a place, and the family’s love could flow freely through the proper channels, according to the various fates of those concerned.

This explanation of the family dynamics is, of course, not a complete picture of the family’s reality. The family members seem to have unmet needs, even in the experience of the constellation itself. It is clearly not necessary to elucidate the dynamics of a constellation for a client with any explanations of this kind. Explanations have much more vitality when they are experienced indirectly through the movements of the representatives and the words that are spoken. In the evolving course of the constellation, one can feel immediately what is right and what isn’t, and the therapist can correct any prior assumptions according to the reactions of the representatives and the client. One need not delve into any aspects of the family dynamics except those that clearly provide relief. The greatest advantage of the constellation method is the focus on what is essential and experiential. Actual experience and the accompanying insight replace that kind of thinking and reflection that goes no further than the head.

When we look at a constellation like this one, we can imagine that the logical conclusion will be changes in the client’s relationship to women, his professional life, and of course his relationship to his parents, who are still alive and living together. Other questions may arise, however. In groups, participants often ask if the effects are really helpful to someone, beyond the experience of the constellation and, do representatives reliably reflect what happened in the client’s family? If that is so, how is it possible? What happens if there is no relevant information about a family’s history? Are those events in the family history really more influential than what we experience directly in growing up with our parents? I will return to these and other questions later.

From Classical Constellations to “Movements of the Soul”

The constellation described above is an example of what we would call a “classical” family constellation. In the development of constellation work, new aspects have emerged that essentially refine a constellation more to an event horizon, the furthest point from which effects can be felt in relationship to the fundamental presenting issue or the client’s life situation. The constellation is then left more to the free movements of the representatives, even in terms of finding new orders and resolutions. Sometimes very little information, perhaps just a single fact, is gathered before, during, or after a constellation. Some constellations proceed silently, in confidence that the physical images of whatever happens with the representatives will be clear enough to the client. Any interpretations or interventions by the therapist are radically reduced.

To illustrate this kind of work, I will describe a constellation that, although very brief and simple, is one of the most moving constellations I have ever led.

A man, a psychotherapist himself, had been experiencing a powerful death wish ever since his 21-year-old sister’s suicide and the subsequent sudden illness and death of his father. The man was asked to set up representatives for his mother, his father, his sister, and himself. No other information was requested.

The man placed his father and sister close to one another, his representative at a distance, looking at the other two, and his mother close behind him. After a short while, his sister looked at her father with unbelievable warmth and love. She pressed up close to him, kissed him, and then lay down in front of him with her eyes closed. The father looked at daughter lying before him and began to weep, quietly, but so deeply that there was scarcely a person in the entire group without tears in their eyes.

The man stood there crying for about five minutes, and then lay down next to his daughter on the floor. The two embraced warmly. The client’s representative moved over to the two and lay on the floor on the other side of his sister. Although she barely noticed him, he lay there completely relaxed. After a while, I then asked him to stand up and go over next to his mother. He stood in that place, and then nodded his head. After another brief period of complete silence, I ended the constellation.