Fighting For Your Marriage E-Book

Howard J. Markman

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 476

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

A major revision of the classic divorce prevention book, with up-to-date research and inclusive content

Fighting for Your Marriage is based on the widely acclaimed PREP approach (Prevention and Relationship Education Program). Research has found that couples who use these strategies can handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds of breaking up. Based on more than 40 years of evidence, this book shows couples how to talk more and fight less, protect their friendship, and keep the fun alive. You'll learn what it takes to have a more intimate, sensual relationship and how to clarify and act on priorities.

The 4th Edition has been substantially updated with advice for couples from a wide range of backgrounds and types who are interested in lasting love. The authors have included a wealth of techniques and down-to-earth guidance for all couples who seek to promote greater connection and pleasure in their long-term relationships.

After reading the 4th edition, you will be able to:

• Apply up-to-date, research-backed strategies, using the renowned PREP approach to deepen your relationships
• Rekindle your marriage and bridge the emotional distance that has grown between you and your spouse
• Repair your or your partner's lack of desire for sensual and sexual connections
• Get research-based advice for enhancing and strengthening relationships for people who are interested in lasting love

For decades, this book has helped couples in serious relationships, newly married couples, and long-term married couples. It is also a valuable resource for couples and family therapists, college professors, clergy, and other professionals working with diverse individuals and couples who want to have happy, healthy relationships.

Leseprobe

Praise for Fighting for Your Marriage

“What distinguishes this fourth edition classic on marriage from other resources on marriage is the disclosure by the authors of the subtle but overlooked secret that ‘how’ couples deal with their differences is far more important than the issues themselves. Add emotional safety, intentional and timely engagement with the issues, and taking responsibility for one's role in conflict, and you have the perfect recipe for a thriving marriage. We recommend this book to all couples for research‐based guidance they can trust, to all therapists who want to really help couples, and to everyone who would like to know how successful intimate relationships work.”

—Harville Hendrix, PhDand Helen LaKelly Hunt,PhD,coauthors of the best‐sellerGetting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couplesand cocreators of Imago Relationship therapy now practiced in more than 60 countries

“In my decades‐long work with couples, I often hear, ‘I wish marriages came with instructions.’ The good news? They do! In this updated edition of Fighting for Your Marriage, you'll learn how to tackle the fundamental issues faced by all couples who are committed to keeping their relationships vibrant, as well as acquiring the necessary tools to deal with the unique challenges in our ever‐changing culture. Best of all, this classic marriage‐strengthening book is chock‐full of pragmatic and easy‐to‐understand advice for creating joyful, satisfying, and long‐lasting relationships.”

—Michele Weiner‐Davis,author of Healing from Infidelity;[e-mail]

“I work mostly with couples on the brink of divorce or, if not yet married, about to dissolve their relationship. Many have seen several couple therapists and found it unhelpful. Their number one complaint? ‘The therapist didn't teach us any skills or tools for getting along better.’ Based on decades of research, Markman, Stanley, Rhoades, and Levine spell out succinctly and compellingly the attitudes and skills couples need to have a happy, successful relationship. As with previous editions and now thoroughly updated, it will be the core text I share with couples and teach to my graduate trainees in couple therapy.”

—Peter Fraenkel, PhD, associate professor at The City College of New York, former faculty at the Ackerman Institute for the Family and New York University Medical Center, and author of Last Chance Couple Therapy: Bringing Relationships Back from the Brink

“This guide to modern couple relationships for the 2020s and beyond is written by the A‐team of couple relationship education. Based on 40+ years of research and practice with couples, they offer practical advice and tips for having a great relationship. Fighting for Your Marriage is easy to read with lots of suggested activities to build a great relationship.”

—Kim Halford, PhD, professor of clinical psychology,University of Queensland, Brisbane, Australia

Fighting For Your Marriage

Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Building a Lasting Love

FOURTH EDITION

Howard J. MarkmanScott M. StanleyGalena K. RhoadesJanice R. Levine

Copyright © 2024 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial technologies or similar technologies.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.

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Library of Congress Cataloging‐in‐Publication Data

Names: Markman, Howard, 1950‐ author. | Stanley, Scott, 1955‐ author. | Levine, 1954‐ author. | Rhoades, Galena, Janice R. (Janice Ruth), author.Title: Fighting for your marriage : positive steps for preventing divorce and building a lasting love / Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Galena K. Rhoades, Janice R. Levine.Description: Fourth edition. | Hoboken, New Jersey : Jossey‐Bass, [2024] | Includes index.Identifiers: LCCN 2024025261 (print) | LCCN 2024025262 (ebook) | ISBN 9781394220298 (paperback) | ISBN 9781394220304 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9781394220311 (epub)Subjects: LCSH: Marriage. | Interpersonal relations. | Interpersonal communication.Classification: LCC HQ734 .M349 2024 (print) | LCC HQ734 (ebook) | DDC 306.81—dc23/eng/20240620LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024025261LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024025262

Cover Design: WileyCover Image: © Gexam/Adobe Stock

In memory of Mom and Dad: Your support, caring, and love continue to be an inspiration to me

To Mat and Leah: You two have been the centerpiece of my life, and I am so proud of you both

—HJM

To Nancy, for your love through all these years

To Kyle and Luke, for the joy you bring

—SMS

To my friend Betsy, who taught me the best of what I know about love

To my children, Langley and Emmett, whom I love with all my heart

—GKR

In loving memory of Brian, my greatest teacher

To Brennan and Sarah, my always inspiration and motivation

To Scott, for your abiding love and support, in all ways

—JRL

Acknowledgments

Many people have influenced us in the journey that underlies this work. We are grateful for the work of those specifically listed here as well as for the work of so many others.

Special and heartfelt thanks goes to our talented ghost writer, Adam Rosen. As a professional writer and careful editor, his input was indispensable. This fourth edition of Fighting for Your Marriage is immensely stronger because of his efforts.

We want to acknowledge one of our longest‐time colleagues who not only collaborated with us on earlier editions of this book but who also was influential in our early efforts to disseminate the PREP approach to others—Susan Blumberg.

The PREP approach, on which this book is founded, is built from insights based on the research of scores of researchers who study relationships, marriage, and family. We specifically acknowledge the work of our amazing colleagues in building the knowledge basis for PREP, including Elizabeth Allen, Don Baucom, Steven Beach, Adrian Blow, Scott Braithwaite, Sarah Carter, Andy Christensen, Mari Clements, Brian Doss, Norm Epstein, Frank Fincham, Frank Floyd, Peter Fraenkel, John Gottman, Kurt Hahlweg, Kim Halford, Rick Heyman, Amy Holtzworth‐Munroe, Neil Jacobson, Michael P. Johnson, Kayla Knopp, George Levinger, Kristin Lindahl, Ben Loew, Gayla Margolin, Clifford Notarius, Aleja Parsons, Gerry Patterson, Lane Ritchie, Caryl Rusbult, Shelby Scott, Amy Smith Slep, Doug Snyder, Ragnar Storaasli, Martha Wadsworth, Robert L. Weiss, and Sarah Whitton.

Having solid material that can help people in their relationships is one thing—getting it out to those who can use it is quite another. The team at PREP, Inc. has brought great drive, creativity, and excellence to the task of disseminating the PREP approach to people around the world. They have been instrumental in developing and refining content and adaptations, training others to use the approach, and in disseminating PREP extensively. They are a creative, talented team who are leaders in the field of relationship education. As said previously, it is not possible to list everyone who has contributed to PREP's quality and influence, but we give special mention to some of the past and present members of the team, including Jennifer Acker, Robert Allen, Todd Boyd, Maggie Corcoran, Miranda Egger, Jeff Erlacher, Sarah Healey, Natalie Jenkins, Lawrence Ramos, Kara Shade, and Nick Thayer.

We further acknowledge the work of numerous others who have coauthored books or worked on the dissemination of PREP with us: Abdallah Badahdah, Milt Bryan, Joel Crohn, Berger Hareide, Pamela Jordan, Savanna McCain, Daniel Trathen, Keith Whitfield, and Lee White.

Over the years, we've been excited to work with all the branches of our US armed forces. Bill Coffin, in particular, has been a true visionary in his efforts to support prevention efforts for building strong marriages in both military and civilian communities. He has been an especially potent force in helping bring evidence‐based materials to couples throughout the US military services, beginning with the US Navy in the early 1990s. He saw a need and looked for ways to meet it.

Another person who deserves special notice is Chaplain Glen Bloomstrom of the US Army (retired). Glen has been a tireless leader in bringing PREP training to Army families through the work of the chaplain corps. In the Army, Navy, and Air Force, we've been privileged to get to know and work with hundreds of chaplains who go the extra mile in reaching and supporting the lives of service members. In particular, we are very appreciative of the work of chaplains such as David Bynum, Pete Frederich, Paul Lepley, Dan Stallard, Ron Thomas, and Thomas Waynick in facilitating high‐quality research on PREP in the US military. Across all the branches of service, we've also been privileged to work with those who work in many prevention and intervention roles on behalf of service members and their families, including those working in family advocacy, mental health, and substance use treatment and prevention roles.

These are just a few of the people in our armed forces who have put the military services on the cutting edge of efforts to prevent marital and relationship distress, and strengthen families. The military does not get nearly the credit it deserves for all these efforts, and we believe they are ahead of the curve in terms of prevention services to help couples and individuals reach their relationship goals.

We also thank Diane Sollee for her visionary efforts to put relationship education on the map through her creation of the Smart Marriages conferences, which ran from 1998 through 2013. We also acknowledge our friend Gary Smalley. Gary passed on some years ago, but not without giving to us and many others his support and encouragement to reach couples and families. Finally, we thank Mary Myrick and her team at Public Strategies in Oklahoma, whose insight, vision, and brilliance have helped numerous states and organizations implement family relationship strengthening efforts. She has significantly influenced our work.

As we've conducted research on this approach over the years, we have been assisted by bright and energetic research assistants and colleagues, including our graduate and undergraduate students at the University of Denver. The number of these people with whom we've been privileged to work has grown so very large that there are too many names to list here, but we deeply thank all these folks who have been so important in our work.

Most of the research reported in this book has been supported over the years by grants to several of us to the University of Denver, including funding from the National Institute of Mental Health, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, and the Administration for Children and Families. We are grateful for the support from these institutions; they have enabled us to develop the research basis for the program presented in this book (as well as much of the research behind the growing field of relationship education).

We are deeply grateful for the team at Wiley who has made it possible to bring this new edition of this classic work to you. We specifically thank Amy Fandrei, Navin Vijayakumar, and Sophie Thompson for all their advice, help, and support. Also, there could not be a new edition without there having been a first. We were fortunate to work on the very first edition of this book with our editor at Jossey‐Bass/Wiley, Alan Rinzler. He was remarkably encouraging, wise, and deeply influential in the history of this book coming into being.

We acknowledge the role that clients and workshop participants have played over the years in enriching our sense of the challenges and mysteries of love. We also express our deep appreciation for the couples and families who have shared their lives with us in our various research projects. These couples have opened their hearts and their relationships to our interviewers and video cameras over time. They have shared their struggles and successes, and we hope that the knowledge presented in this book represents some small compensation to these couples, without whom the book could never have been written.

Although our knowledge of relationships has been deeply enriched by what we learned from all the couples and individuals along the way, the examples we share throughout this book are composites and thoroughly disguised. Nevertheless, the stories told by many couples over the years are often so strikingly common that the themes in our examples will speak to a variety of people. The examples will seem “real” to you as you read because they are all based on real human experience. We can all learn from each other.

Introduction

This is the fourth edition of Fighting for Your Marriage, a book first published in 1994, substantially revised in 2001, and then again in 2010. The first three editions were well received among couples and professionals alike, and all were bestsellers in the relationship and marriage fields. The first edition even had the illustrious honor of being mentioned on Oprah! This being the case, you may be wondering, “Why change something that already works?”

Well, a lot has happened in the last 14 or so years, to say the least. The dynamics of marriage, including who gets married (and divorced), have changed significantly, while national and global events have put additional stress on the institution of marriage. Widening political and social polarization, increased economic uncertainty, the opioid crisis, the COVID‐19 pandemic, and the further entrenchment of technology into our everyday lives are just a few the major developments that have taken place over the past decade and a half.

What has not changed is that people benefit from having a happy, healthy relationship in terms of emotional, physical, and even financial well‐being. Not surprisingly, children who grow up with parents in a happy, healthy relationship also do better in life.

Arguably the biggest news in the world of marriage is the fact that less than half of millennials, currently the largest generation in the United States, are married. When millennials do get married, it's at a later age. In 2022, the median age of marriage was 30.5 for men and 28.6 for women; in 2010, these figures were 28.2 and 26.1, respectively. We expect this trend for marrying later will continue, at least, through this decade.

At the same time, the divorce rate has been in steady decline, and we believe it likely will continue to decline for the foreseeable future. For example, between 2000 and 2020, the rate of divorce in the US has declined to 42 percent. Although many experts have said the probability of divorce for first‐time marriages is approximately 40 percent, it is hard to know what the likelihood of divorce will be going forward for couples marrying for the first time today. We expect that divorce rates will continue to decline over the rest of this decade.

And then there are the growing income and education gaps when it comes to the likelihood of marrying. Americans in the top quintile of income are now significantly likelier to get married than those in lower ones. The same goes for Americans with a bachelor's degree versus those with only a high school education. This was not always the case. For comparison, the 1960s marriage rates in America were nearly the same across income and education levels.

There are also now more women enrolled in college, medical school, law school, and many other graduate‐level fields than men. Not unrelatedly, 29 percent of women in heterosexual marriages now earn the same amount of money as their husbands, and 16 percent are the primary or sole breadwinners of their family. (In other words, just over half of men are their family's primary or sole breadwinner.)

Although this class divergence was clear in 2010, it has only accelerated since. Whether differing marriage rates are a cause or a consequence of inequality is a topic of much ongoing study and debate. Regardless, this reality must be taken into account when thinking about the role of marriage in peoples' lives today.

Another major change over time is the ascendance of living together without being married. This more ambiguous form of relationship encompasses a wide range of couples, from the highly committed to those for whom living together is much more like dating than a long‐term commitment. Yet, at the same time, the vast majority of people still aspire to marry (though less than in the past). Regardless of their aspirations, however, the likelihood that people will marry has declined. For example, between 2011 and 2021 the marriage rate decreased 8.5 percent. It's not clear if trends toward fewer people marrying will continue in the coming decade.

These are not the only ways the makeup of who is married or not has changed in the United States. In 2015, the Supreme Court ruling Obergefell v. Hodges legalized same‐sex marriage, extending the right to marry to hundreds of thousands of couples who had long been denied by the state. With the ruling, the United States became one of twenty‐two countries (now thirty‐two) to recognize same‐sex marriage.

Looming over all of these changes has been the widespread adoption of smartphones, which have had a profound impact on dating (and, by extension, marriage). Although dating websites were already proliferating by the early 2010s, the presence of a constant and reliable internet connection in people's pockets all but ensured online dating would permanently shape how couples met. It's probably no surprise, then, that a 2019 study from Stanford University estimated that 39 percent of all heterosexual American couples met online in 2017, whether through dating sites or apps. Another study found that 77 percent of the online dating population in 2019 had been on at least one date with someone they met through a dating site or app; both figures are surely higher today. To offer some comparison, in the last edition, published in 2010, we noted (with no small sense of amazement) that the number of couples who met online was estimated to be 20 percent. The popularity of digital coupling represents an enormous and obviously unprecedented shift in human behavior.

What all of this boils down to is that marriages today require partners to be even more skilled in communication, conflict management, and negotiation than ever before. Because marriage is becoming somewhat rarer and partners choosier, partners (especially women, we feel it's important to note) are less likely to automatically accept things. Many more issues are fair game for discussion. Assumptions are out.

What all of this boils down to is that marriages today require partners to be even more skilled in communication, conflict management, and negotiation than ever before.

Partners also have higher expectations for the positive sides of their relationships. They often expect their partner to be their best friend and soul mate. So when negative things happen, they have to realize that even best friends can have conflict, and that they must work through their issues in a way that doesn't threaten their relationship's success. The importance of productively managing conflict, especially today, cannot be overstated. We have even more evidence than in the past, increasingly drawn from more diverse samples of couples, that the negatives in relationships are more hurtful than the positives are beneficial. Accordingly, with this new edition we continue our focus on how to defeat negative patterns while also accentuating how to strengthen positive connections.

Just as in 2010, but to a far greater extent, there's a massive amount of information about relationships and marriage out there, especially online. If you go to any search engine and type in a question about relationships, you'll get back nearly infinite results. But how do you know what information you can trust?

That's where we come in. In this fourth edition of Fighting for Your Marriage, we have continued our commitment to science by refining our work based on research. We believe this gives our approach a strong foundation that you can trust. We wrote this book for everyone who is interested in learning research‐based skills that will enable them to have and keep a satisfying current or future long‐term relationship or marriage.

This book is for you if you want to do any of the following:

Apply up‐to‐date, research‐backed strategies to deepen your relationship.

Prepare for marriage or a long‐term relationship.

Repair a relationship or marriage that is not going well.

Bridge the emotional distance that has grown between you and your partner.

Enhance your chances for relationship and marital success.

Repair your or your partner's lack of desire for sensual and sexual connections.

Fall back into love if you fear you've lost that loving feeling.

Learn more about how to have a happy, healthy relationship, even if you are not in a relationship right now.

Many of the strategies in this book are based on our decades of research, much of it involving observing couples over time and noting how their communication strategies help or hinder them as they tackle common relationship problems. This process involved recording couples as they talked about their issues, and then having teams of coders assess the communication dynamics of these couples. This process has enabled us to describe key patterns when it comes to relationship success and failure—patterns that we will be passing on to you. As the famous New York Yankees catcher and philosopher Yogi Berra put it, “You can see a lot just by watching.” Simply put, our research shows that what couples argue about is not as important as how they argue.

Simply put, our research shows that what couples argue about is not as important as how they argue.

The strategies in this book are based on the widely acclaimed Prevention and Relationship Education Program (PREP). Based on more than forty years of research, this book will show you how to talk more and fight less, protect your friendship, and keep the fun alive. You'll learn what it takes to have a more intimate, sensual relationship and how to clarify and act on priorities. Research has found that couples who are taught the strategies in this book can handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds of breaking up. No other approach in the field of relationship education has been studied and found successful by more researchers, and the program has reached hundreds of thousands of couples in the US and around the world. Accordingly, you might think of this book as your own relationship workshop.

Research has found that couples who are taught the strategies in this book can handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds of breaking up.

Most people want a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime, but we know that many couples don't stay together. Although the likelihood of divorce has declined, many couples will divorce. Many couples who never marry will break up. As a result, children are still experiencing high rates of family instability. Whether married or not, too many couples who stay together are deeply unhappy. As a result, couples who want lasting love may have greater challenges now than ever before.

We are relationship optimists. We believe that a great deal of divorce, family instability, and marital and/or relationship unhappiness can be prevented. To that end, this book can help you achieve your goal of a fulfilling, lasting, happy, and healthy marriage or long‐term partnership. It will teach you practical ways for building and sustaining a great relationship that can stand the test of time—even in the face of the obstacles life will inevitably put in your way.

The research‐based skills, principles, and ideas in this book are relevant to all people and to all couples regardless of their age, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, income, or cultural background. No matter who you are, where you're from, or your life circumstances, this book will enable you (and your partner) to have and keep a lasting love. You deserve to be in a relationship that is happy and fulfilling.

One suggestion before we dive in. At the end of most chapters, we offer suggested activities to be completed. These brief activities are designed to reinforce the most important points of each chapter. Some of the activities can be done with a partner and others are beneficial to do on your own. We want to note that, if you have a partner and they do not want to do an activity, that does not mean they do not care about you or the relationship.

You can consider this book a kind of travel guide for you and your relationship. But unlike most travel guides, which focus only on the best places to visit, ours spends as much time warning you about sites of danger (and how to safely navigate them). As you would read a travel guide, you can read this one cover to cover, or you can plan your own journey by reading the chapters that best meet your current needs and goals. Whatever your choice, we strongly suggest you begin with the first chapter, which highlights the three essential keys for a successful relationship.

Bon voyage!

PART 1Understanding the Risks on the Road to Lasting Love

1The Three Keys for a Great Relationship

Ask ten people what makes for a good marriage, and chances are you'll get back ten different answers. To lots of people, marriage is a slippery, subjective topic where internet based knowledge and folk wisdom are prized. Indeed, relationships are often talked about as if they're some sort of mystical or unknowable phenomenon, like dark matter or time travel. The result is a place where confusion and cliche too often reign.

The fundamentals of good relationships may seem hopelessly mysterious, but this couldn't be further from the truth. Decades of study have revealed ways in which happy couples make love last. Throughout this book, we present proven skills and strategies that you can use to make your relationship all it can be.

In this chapter we present the three research‐based keys for relationship success. They are simple guidelines that will help you remember and act on the most important ideas from this book. By simple we mean easy to understand. Simple can be powerful, but simple does not mean easy to do—although, at times, small changes are all that are needed.

We want to challenge you to learn these keys and let them guide your action and thought so you can enhance your chances of enjoying a lifetime of love.

The three keys are as follows:

Make it safe to connect.

Decide, don't slide.

Do your part.

Simple enough, right? Not so fast. If they were, you probably wouldn't be reading this book. Let's explore each one.

KEY 1: MAKE IT SAFE TO CONNECT

What people want most in their relationship is to be accepted, understood, and loved—to feel safe to be themselves in their relationship. This happens when you feel assured that your partner has your back, that you are in this together.

Emotional safety is fundamental to a great relationship. Positive connections and intimacy thrive when things are safe—when you are confident that you can share your feelings and be at ease around each other. So many times, people tell us that feel like they have to walk on eggshells around their partner. That is surely not what you hope for in your relationship. When you have the skills to maintain connection and handle conflicts, you are better able to relax, to be yourself, and to open the doors to emotional and physical intimacy. We will show you how in the upcoming chapters.

Note that safety does not mean that conflict and emotional distress don't happen. On the contrary, being safe at home includes feeling safe to have difficult conversations. Making it safe for you and your partner to connect and stay close, especially when conflict arises (as it inevitably will), is the best thing you can do for your relationship.

Because conflicts are a common (and expected) part of relationships, many couples think that it's their differences and disagreements that cause the greatest problems in their marriage. This is a tempting explanation, but research makes it clear that by themselves they are rarely what drives people apart. To be sure, strong differences in backgrounds and viewpoints do make conflicts more likely. But over forty years of studies with an increasingly diverse population of couples tell us that success in relationships is less related to the nature of the differences between two partners than to how they handle the differences they have.

But over forty years of studies with an increasingly diverse population of couples tell us that success in relationships is less related to the nature of the differences between two partners than to how they handle the differences they have.

Couples who handle their differences and conflicts poorly, with put‐downs, escalation, and hostility are the most likely to struggle. However, even couples who disagree frequently can have a rock‐solid relationship if their conflicts have established boundaries and remain respectful, even when heated.

Of course, emotional safety is not even possible when there is a lack of physical safety in a relationship. If one or both partners do not feel free from the possibility of physical harm, nothing else is going to matter all that much. If you do not feel physically safe in your relationship, please see “Getting More Help” at the end of the book. Also, see the box “Escalation and the Risk for Aggression” in Chapter Two.

When you make it safe to connect, you create the conditions for positive experiences to emerge. Conflicts are inevitable and need to be handled, but people do not marry for the joy of handling conflict together till death do they part. They want to be together for all the great things relationships offer: friendship, companionship, spiritual meaning, fun, passion, an opportunity to build a family, and shared values. (We will cover two important skills for helping you feel safe at home—taking a time out from destructive conflict and tools for talking without fighting—in Chapters Three and Six, respectively.)

KEY 2: DECIDE, DON'T SLIDE

There are many points in a relationship where it's important to make a decision. This can happen while facing down major life events and with lots of advance notice, or completely out of the blue and during routine conversations with your partner. Either way, whenever you find yourself in such a situation you have the choice to either let things happen as they will, or decide to move in a different direction. It may sound obvious, but the idea of deciding and not sliding is a powerful way to remember that a deliberate decision, big or small, can make a difference. (We describe more about the roots and implications of sliding versus deciding in Chapter Sixteen.)

Just letting things happen is fine in many situations. When you go on a trip, it can be fun to lay back and see what happens on a given day and not make any concrete plans. And when it comes to your relationship, you don't need to treat every moment as something requiring a hard analysis. For example, if you like your evening routine together, just letting things slide on a given night will likely work out just fine for both of you.

However, too many people apply this laissez‐faire attitude to major transitions or life experiences. Rather than deciding in advance who they are as a couple, what their values are, and where they intend to go, they improvise as things come up, very often to their detriment. Why does that matter? Because major transitions and life experiences are opportunities to make a commitment to the path you most want to follow. Commitments are decisions, and such decisions anchor your sense of choosing and what you plan to follow through on. (We have much more to say about the topic of commitment in Chapter Sixteen.)

Big decisions take effort, energy, and teamwork. Consider the following questions, all of which touch on areas of major relationship stress, and then consider whether you'd be better served by discussing them carefully in advance or just dealing with them as they arise: Are you thinking about having children? Are there any major transitions coming up in your children's lives? What about how you manage money? Who does what around the home? How do you treat each other when you are upset?

Sometimes sliding is not merely allowing what will happen to happen. In effect, it means you are avoiding grappling with difficult issues and getting on the same page. We don't know how the two of you would answer the previous questions, but we do know that making a decision together demonstrates a greater commitment to follow through. So, where it matters, decide, don't slide. Discuss issues, make plans, and follow through.

This key of “decide, don't slide” applies as much to smaller moments in your relationship as big, obvious ones. As you will see starting in the next chapter, we have a lot to say and suggestions to offer about how a couple manages conflict. We make the important point that when an argument is flaring up and you are getting sideways with each other, there are many moments when one or both of you could step back and choose not to slide into a downward spiral. It's not inevitable! But interrupting that downhill slide requires a decision in the moment to take things in a different direction. Often, it only takes one of you to notice the decision point and decide to nudge the two of you in a better direction.

Similarly, decide, don't slide is a wonderful principle to guide you in making more positive moments happen. It is too easy in life to let moments pass where there could have been a kind word, a touch, an expression of appreciation—so many possibilities!—but without a moment of internal decision, the opportunity just slides away. On a day‐to‐day basis, a lot of “little” decisions to connect can add up to a lot of closeness over time.

Finally, the “decide, don't slide” principle applies just as well to this book. Don't slide into thinking that as a couple you must do everything we recommend. As you'll soon discover, we have a lot of suggestions; choose what you like and get after it, leaving the rest for the future. We are going to present so many different ideas, strategies, and skills that no couple is likely to want to do everything we recommend, at least not at first. Think of this book as a menu, not a twenty‐course meal.

KEY 3: DO YOUR PART

When couples are struggling, it's tempting for each partner to blame the other for the problems at hand. In some relationships, it's true that one person is overwhelmingly more responsible for causing issues. More often, though, it takes two to tango (or wrangle—a new dance craze for unhappy couples). In the heat of a difficult moment, no one has more control over what you can do to help your relationship than, well, you. The reason is obvious.

You have more control over your behavior than anyone else in the world. You also have a lot less control over your partner's behavior. So if you want to make something better, do your own part.

Renowned couples therapist Shirley Glass once remarked that when it comes to relationship quality, it is more important to be the right person than to find the right person. We couldn't agree more. One way you can always be the right person in your relationship is to do the best thing for your relationship right now.

Ask Not

In 1961, John F. Kennedy famously uttered one of the greatest lines in the history of presidential speeches:

Ask not what your partner can do for you, but what you can do for your partner and your relationship.

Okay, that's not the exact quote. But it's in keeping with the spirit of the original. Both vividly illuminate the contrast between the strong human tendency to fixate first on what others should be doing, and what we can do to do our part. No matter your politics, JFK's line offers a powerful sentiment on human nature and how to make a difference.

One premise of this book, drawn from our decades of clinical practice, is that both partners in a relationship need to work on their own behavior to give themselves the best chance for lasting and committed love. This means, for example, that when conflict arises, or when you perceive your partner as acting unfairly, you try do the most constructive things you can do. Rather than thinking “Here we go again, they will never change” try reframing the situation to “I have the ability to change things in the direction I'd like it to go.” This new perspective can feel very empowering—and is far more likely to set you up for relationship success.

Don't get us wrong: doing your part doesn't mean acting unilaterally or in isolation. Far too often, when people think their partner is being unfair or is behaving inappropriately, they feel relieved of the responsibility to be the best partner they can be. That's one of the easiest and most destructive things you can slide into. You need to hold up your end of the relationship even when you think your partner isn't doing their share. The major exception to this guideline is if there is ongoing victimization of one person by another. That calls for strong actions of a different sort than what we focus on here—professional help as from a domestic violence agency or therapist in leaving an unsafe relationship safely (See “Getting More Help”).

To get the most out of the skills and strategies we describe in this book, you will need to decide to truly work as a team, and we cannot think of a better example of teamwork than two people each trying their best to do their part. This means that you agree to not fight destructively, to commit yourself to keeping fun and friendship in your relationship, and to make your relationship a safe emotional harbor.

Many people think they cannot bring their behavior under better control unless they first understand it. One final, essential idea to keep in mind: although it can be beneficial to have insight into why you and your partner repeat certain behaviors and patterns (for good or ill), you don't have to have it all figured out to take steps to make things better. So don't wait on insight when it's obvious that you could do something different right now that would be good for your relationship.

In the chapters to come we will give you some ideas for how you can do your part, make it safe to connect, and decide, not slide into a course of action. In fact, almost everything we cover embodies the spirit of these three keys. So try to keep them in the back of your mind as you read on.

Remember, when one of you changes your steps, the whole dance looks different!

Talking Points

The three keys can guide your actions in moments that matter in your relationship.

“Make it safe to connect” includes feeling safe to have difficult conversations.

“Decide, don't slide” captures the importance of being proactive and not letting things just happen.

“Do your part” is a powerful reminder that you have personal agency when it comes to making your relationship stronger.

Suggested Activity

Here are two specific ways you can try out doing your part:

Within the next twenty‐four hours, do something small for your partner that you know they typically appreciate. Pick something totally under your control, and don't worry about whether or not your partner notices.

The next time your partner makes a comment that stings or is annoying, try letting it bounce off you. Instead of responding in a similar way, take the high road.