Frank Get the Door! E-Book

Janey Godley

• Herausgeber: Luath Press
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 117

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

Since lockdown began, people have woken up to Janey Godley's comedy by the hundreds of thousands… [She] has provided much-needed relief throughout the coronavirus pandemic with her gallus Glesga interpretations which have been shared around the country with much glee. – Daily Record 'Ye've been TELT. Everybuddy's gonnae die if yeez aw keep gaun aboot an meetin each other an gaun hame wi a virus oan ye. So Ah've telt ye wance an Ah'm no gonnae tell ye again. This is the official line. If Ah see any o you oot there, Ah'm gonnae take a run an pit ma toe up the crack o yer arse. SO QUIT IT! Stey in the hoose, wash yer hands an keep yer family safe.'

Leseprobe

JANEY GODLEY, Scotland’s international cultural phenomenon, has grown from successful stand-up comedian – who has won comedy awards in theUKand New Zealand – to Internet sensation and bestselling author. In2016,she came to viral internet fame – or infamy – with her Trump is a C**t stunt at Turnberry Golf Course.She has had over50million online hits for her iconic voiceover videos, while her weekly podcasts get over40,000hits worldwide.

A former Scotswoman of the Year nominee and aScotsmannewspaper columnist, Janey is a regular guest on theBBCradio seriesJust a MinuteandLoose Endsand has recently been popping up on the television panel showHave I Got News For You.

Her short filmThe Last Mermaid, directed by Fi Kelley, won the Audience Award @BerlinShort and is winning awards at film festivals across the globe. With recent acting performances in multi-award winning movieWild Rose, and inTraces(Alibi channel), and with brand new work writing and acting for the National Theatre of Scotland, Janey has only just started. You ain’t seen nothing yet! www.janeygodley.com

She’s a bold, take-no-prisoners type of comic, totally honest and hilarious with it—EDINBURGH EVENING NEWS

Janey Godley is the most outspoken female stand-up in Britain—DAILY TELEGRAPH

Clever, passionate and lyrical—DAILY MIRROR

Many thanks for helping keep the nation’s spirits up. I’m a big fan, and also love sausage dogs—SHELAGH FRASER

I’m an over-friendly cleaner who talks too much—JANEY GODLEY

By the same author:

Handstands in the Dark: A True Story of Growing Up and Survival(Ebury Press,2006)

Frank get the door!

ma feet are killin me

JANEY GODLEY

Throughout Lockdown, Janey Godley has commandeered the voices of the First Minister and her podium companions and kept all our spirits up in these dark times. Our thoughts are with all those who have been affected by the virus.

First published2020

ISBN: 978-1-910022-21-4

The author’s right to be identified as author of this book under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act1988has been asserted.

Transcribed and edited by Main Point Books, Edinburgh.

Typeset by Carrie Hutchison.

Illustrations © Christina Connelly2020

Text © Janey Godley2020

Contents

Author bio

Introduction by Janey Godley

Note on dialect

Voicing

Nicola speaks out

Prince Charles and Covid

One bang a week

She was TELT

Nicola speaks

Nicola has them on Find Friends

I need a wee box dye for my roots

Easter bunnies

Nicola and the Easter message

I cut my hair

Matt Hancock and the slosh

I watchedTiger King

Three more weeks

Online quizzes

Nicola and the frozen loaf

Christmas hasn’t been cancelled

Nicola and Trump and the bleach

Face masks

Shave my legs time

David Icke says Nicola is too dim

Nicola says TITS

R number

I won’t do what Boris wants

Nicola and the paddling pool

Stay alert? Naw

Like a divorce

No, sunbathing is not an exercise

My haircut and golf

Mass gatherings

Hula hooping

Golf and fishing

I don’t have a national Munchausen by proxy

Rumpy pumpy

Cummings and goings

Test and Protect

I’ve seenThe Sound of Music

Taps aff

You were TELT

Face coverings

Shameful Tories

Social bubble

Prosecco and Clooney

Flags and schools

The pumping can begin

Beer garden

We’ve got a new thing called FACTS

One metre plus and Boris

Ducks?

Hadrian’s wall

Border control

Track and Trace

Holidays in Scotland

Comedy clubs

Face coverings

Boris and the face coverings

Haircut

Russian interference

Big fridge in the Orkneys

Boris is upset at me

Emotional lifejackets

You were TELT

Aberdeen football

Football again

U turns

Loch Ness isn’t a swamp

Rugby v football and the curtain twitchers

House parties and David Icke and the lizards

Janey Godley is a brilliant comedian in my view and her voiceovers are very very funny – they’re very rude in terms of the language they use, so sometimes I don’t feel able to retweet them… but she’s getting the key messages across very very powerfully… if humour helps us to make people understand what they should be doing right now, then all well and good.

Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland’s First Minister, interviewed on OriginalFM

Introduction

Who knew an innocuous, well remembered saying from my pub days, would be shouted out by anMPin the Houses of Parliament at the opening of the Queens Speech?

‘FRANK get the door!’ has become a national catchphrase and I for one am happy about that.

Images of tee shirts, mugs, car stickers and window posters all over the world have been sent to me on social media, and we sell our own Frank merch on my website, with a cut going to charity.

‘FRANK get the door!’ is what my voiceover has the Scottish First Minister saying in her daily briefings.

This book is so exciting for me, my everyday voiceovers and some smashing illustrations by Christina Connelly to boot. I hope you enjoy this wee tome. Now let me tell you about Frank.

Picture the scene,1985in a pub in the East End of Glasgow: Janey the barmaid stood pouring a pint of lager as yet another annoying drunk man had been told to get out. This man had threatened to pee the floor and told Janey she was a fat cow. Janey rolled her eyes so hard, her brain hurt but she licked the foamy beer off her fingers and shouted –

‘Get out, you’re barred!’

The drunk man, stood like a sailor trying to stay stable on a listing boat on a high tide. He swayed forward, he grabbed the juke box, he swayed back and grabbed the peanut machine on the wall. He pulled his trousers up really high, much higher than any man should, possibly trapping and separating his knick-knacks. With a dancing gait, much like a pantomime milkmaid in full hip-swinging dance mode, he ran at the door, lifted up one wonky leg and kicked the door hard as hell.

The customers at the bar never even looked, they sighed and stared at each other as they knew the door was a pull-in not a kick-out, and soon that man would be bouncing backwards onto the tiles and they could take bets on his state of unconsciousness.

Such was life before we had iPhone cameras and Twitter. We laughed at things in ‘real time’.

It was at that moment the shout would go up ‘FRANK, Get the Door!’ and out of the smoky corner near the plastic palm tree would emerge Frank.

Tall, Irish and a veteran of the Korean war, he wore a grey cardigan with leather elbow patches, freshly pressed black trousers and smart, polished shoes. His shirt and tie were always clean as was his thick white hair, combed back with pomade into a helmet. He always had a cowboy paperback book which never fell as he lifted up the drunks with one hand and opened the door inward with the other and threw them out onto the street, without missing a beat or a breath. He simply dusted down his book and went back to his beer in silence.

That was Frank.

Nobody knew his surname. He became known as ‘FRANK Get the Door!’, the same way Jimmy was called ‘Jimmy Where’s Your Van?’, as he once lost the works van. We did have a woman called ‘Carol the Knicker Woman’, as she used to show everyone her knickers – she sold them from her handbag, they were new knickers, £7for five pairs.

Frank, was enigmatic and always present. Whenever I had a bad day, I knew Frank would be there in the background, keeping an eye on me. Most nights when I finished my shift, I would shout, ‘FRANK, get the door!’ and he would hold it open for me and then skip onto the street and open the close door to my house, because I lived above the pub.

I left the pub in1994and I miss the customers, the funny people, Carol and her knickers and mostly Frank. He died in early2000, but I know somewhere in the spirit world there are ghosts trying to get from one place to the other and Frank is making sure all those doors are being looked after.

Janey Godley

September 2020

Note on dialect

The Lockdown voiceovers have been transcribed directly from Janey Godley’s videos and the spellings reflect as closely as possible how the words are actually spoken, which accounts for minor variations.

If you should like to watch these videos you can go to Janey’s websitewww.janeygodley.comor her YouTube channel and search for a specific video using its title as shown in the book.

Warning: this book contains strong language which may not be suitable for younger readers or those easily offended.

Voicing

Most of the sketches reproduced in this book voice the First Minister. Where there is interchange with others at the Lockdown podium, those voiced are indicated as follows:

FM: First Minister

DFM: Deputy First Minister

CMO: Chief Medical Officer

ICMO: Interim Chief Medical Officer

NCD: National Clinical Director

CNO: Chief Nursing Officer

CSH: Cabinet Secretary for Health and Sport

CCPS: Chief Constable of Police Scotland

GA: Government Advisor

Q: Questions from the press

None of the words attributed to the individuals referred to above were spoken out loud by those individuals. Any actions taken by readers of this book are taken entirely at their own risk.

Nicola speaks out

22March2020

FM: Right, here’s the official wurd, an Ah’ll tell ye fur why. Aw the Sandras, big Jeanette, aw the Pippa Dees, they’ve aw been cancelled. Naebuwddy’s gaun tae Torremolinos, we’re just talkin oan the Snapchat group.

Stoap gaun oot, stoap meetin yer pals, stop gaun tae the park an getherin thegethir, ye bunch o fuckin idiots.

Ye’ve been TELT.

Everybuddy’s gonnae die if yeez aw keep gaun aboot an meetin each other an gaun hame wi a virus oan ye.

So Ah’ve telt ye wance an Ah’m no gonnae tell ye again. This is the official line. If Ah see any o you oot there, Ah’m gonnae take a run an pit ma toe up the crack o yer arse. SO QUIT IT!

Stey in the hoose, wash yer hands an keep yer family safe. Away an Snapchat yer pals. Ah’ll be talkin tae big Theresa later. Aw yeez, use yer phones. Noo, quit it!

Prince Charles and Covid

25March2020

Q: Prince Charles has been confirmed with Covid-19.Is it fair that he was tested when members of the public aren’t bein tested?

FM: Well, big Charles was telt like the rest o them. It doesnae matter if your a king or a prince or if yer Isa gaun tae the Pippa Dee, stey in the fuckin hoose an stoap movin aboot. Yez huv aw been telt. Ah’m gonnae end up havin tae take ma toe up the crack o yer arse, or hing oot a windae an sing it.

STOAP MOVIN ABOOT!

STEY IN THE HOOSE!

Now here’s big Jeanette, she’s gonnae tell you some stuff.

Jeanette (CMO): Aye, Nicola’s right, just stey in the hoose an wash yer hauns, it’s no that hard, is it?

One bang a week

26March2020

Q: What would your advice be to people thinkin about startin or growing a family during this crisis?

FM: Big Jeanette’s gonnae tell you aboot the pumpin an that here.

Jeanette (CMO): Yeah, Ah’m your chief bangin officer here. So we’re tellin people tae try an put a sneck oan it, try an limit your sex doon tae, like, once a week, but make sure you dae it in the hoose, no ootside an don’t dae it too much, try an dae it in self-isolation. Ah mean, a lot of you guys oot there’ll know what I’m talkin aboot – an wummen as well, let’s be equal opportunities here. But I am plannin a big blaw-oot doon at the caravan myself at the fair fortnight. So try an keep a sneck oan it an if no, turn the telly oan, jist try an haid it aw back. Honestly, theNHSdon’t need that many wains after aw this is done.

Aye, so we’re limitin people doon tae ONE BANG A WEEK.

She was TELT

5April2020

Jeanette (CMO): Ah just wantae tell everybuddy, Ah wis right oottae order, shouldnae have went tae ma second home an doon the caravan. Ah’m pure sorry. Ah jist hope everybuddy keeps by the rules even though Ah bent them.

FM: As if Ah’ve no got fuckin enough on ma plate! She wis TELT an TELT AGAIN.

Jeanette (CMO): Aye, she did. Honest tae God, Ah’m really embarrassed Nicola. Nest week we wur plannin oan gaun tae Girvan but we’ve put that on hold, ye can rest assured.

FM: Ma heid’s burstin wi the fuckin lot ae yeez.

Nicola speaks

6April2020

FM: So here’s what’s been happenin. We’ve still goat a bunch o arseholes still wantae go oot intae the car an go tae parks an hing aboot, cos they think the virus doesnae apply tae them. An Ah’ll tell ye somethin else an Ah’ll tell ye for why. If wan mair arsehole runs up behind people daein thur joggin wi thur sweaty mooth an spitty gobs, then honest tae God, Ah’m gonnae fuckin take ma toe right up the crack o their hole as well. Yeez aw need tae stey in the hoose or we’re aw gonnae die. The merr YOU go oot, the merr WE huvtae stey in.