Free from Wine E-Book

Ira Koivu

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 205

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

Free from Wine - How life changes when you quit drinking has liberated countless Finns from alcohol since 2016. It will revolutionize your understanding of alcohol, alcoholism, sobriety, and life without alcohol. In this book, six women share their stories with their faces and names, revealing their relationship with alcohol, and how their life changed when they quit drinking. This edition is an updated version of the first edition released in 2016. The first edition concluded with the author, Ira Koivu, having been sober for six months. In this new edition, she shares what happened after the book's publication. The book also includes new stories and research findings. Feedback on the book: Journalist Ira Koivu fearlessly tackles a sensitive topic and a significant taboo of our time. Her book Free from Wine makes continuing to drink alcohol extremely challenging. This remarkable book prompts reflection on why that deadly poison has become an accepted part of our collective lifestyle. - Author Heikki Peltola

Leseprobe

Cover: Saija Tynkkynen

Photo of Ira Koivu: Piia Arnould

Photo of Essi Hellén: Adile Samanetdin

Photo of Raija Lindberg: Anne-Mari Myller

Photo of Piia Sumupuu: Arto Heikkinen

First published 2016 (Viisas elämä)

Second edition 2019 (Books on Demand)

CONTENTS

WE ARE FLIES

FOREWORD

IRA KOIVU: I began to drink for my loneliness

THE FIRST WEEKS SOBER

Week 1

Week 2

Week 4

TWO MONTHS SOBER

70 days sober

Checklist of reasons why I quit

What are the benefits of quitting?

76 DAYS SOBER

80 days sober: ski vacation

ESSI HELLEN: I was the one always ready to hit the bar

IS IT OK TO GET SOBER?

Some people become addicted more easily

The environment protects or exposes

A people marinated in alcohol

Where to draw the line: who is an alcoholic?

PEIKKO PITKÄNEN: I wanted to belong

THREE MONTHS SOBER

Hooked on sugar to hooked on wine?

MOST PEOPLE GET SOBER ON THEIR OWN

THE ALCOHOL BUBBLE

Facts about alcohol

MOTHER ’S DRINKING IS TABOO

Women hide their problem

Demands on mothers are greater than on fathers

Women’s drinking in numbers

More recent statistics

Effects of alcohol on a woman

PIIA SUMUPUU: I DRANK WHILE THE OTHERS SLEPT

FEAR IS NOT A CURE

FOUR MONTHS SOBER

Loneliness predisposes to addictions

RAIJA LINDBERG: I didn’t think I could recover

THE POWER OF THOUGHT

SURELY YOU CAN JUST HAVE THE ONE?

What moderation?

FIVE MONTHS SOBER

Alcohol is untouchable

MARI TIIRA: I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THE OTHERS LAUGH

SIX MONTHS SOBER

HOW DOES LIFE CHANGE WHEN YOU DITCH ALCOHOL?

Improved self-esteem

The steps of change

How to stay motivated

SIX YEARS SOBER

Hangover-free hangover days and self-pity days

Thank you

Literature and online resources

WE ARE FLIES

Allen Carr, the famous stop-smoking guru, aptly describes the origin of alcoholism in his book No more hangovers.

He compares alcohol to a carnivorous plant that uses its scent to entice flies to land on it to imbibe nectar.

The top of the plant curves so gently that the fly doesn’t notice that it gradually begins to slip down towards the plant’s interior and base. By the time the downward slope becomes steeper, the fly is so focused on drinking that it doesn’t realize that it is sinking.

When the fly has slipped down the throat of the vase-like plant, it can already see its dead fellows lying in the liquid at the bottom. But as it knows it can fly away at any time, it continues to drink.

When it has finally had enough and decides to leave, it has swelled too much to be able to fly.

The fly panics, and the more it flutters to get out, the more it becomes entangled in the sticky nectar that is constantly dragging it downwards.

It can no longer get out because the walls are now vertical. The liquid at the bottom is not nectar, but digestive acid.

When did the fly lose control?

It had to happen before it reached the bottom.

Was it at the point when it tried to leave but found it couldn’t?

No.

That is when it realized it had lost control. So it must have happened earlier.

Was it when it saw all the dead members of its species at the bottom?

Or was it at some point on the gentle slope?

At either of those stages the fly could have flown away, had it wanted to.

But it didn’t want to, because it didn’t realize it was trapped.

The fly lost control the second it tasted the nectar.

From that moment on, it was under the plant’s imperceptible control.

FOREWORD

We are taught from an early age that alcohol is nectar for humans. My own child asked me: “Isn’t it true, Mom, that wine and beer are grown-ups’ candy?” True enough, that is what it looks like. Friday is the children’s candy day and the adults’ drinks day in many families.

I am not saying that alcohol turns into a problem for all people. Not everyone becomes addicted to alcohol, but almost everyone can, by drinking a sufficient quantity for long enough. For some, the problem develops more quickly than for others: life experiences, heredity, environmental and personality factors all have a bearing.

Others can drink quite copiously without feeling they have a problem. Someone might experience great anxiety about alcohol addiction even if the amounts are small, maybe just a glass of wine in the evening. But that glass is the most important thing in their life, and they must have it every night.

We have read many sober stories, and they often describe the devastation of hitting rock bottom, which finally compelled the person to get sober. However, quite a few people wake up in time to the increasingly prominent role of alcohol in their lives and decide to do something about it before it is too late. Many stop drinking before anyone close to them has even become aware of the problem.

There are numerous blogs on the internet where people recount their stories of getting sober. They write anonymously because they don’t want anyone to know about their problem with alcohol. In this country of heavy alcohol consumption, women’s problem drinking in particular is perceived as shameful and stigmatizing. Therefore, few have the courage to acknowledge their problem out loud at a stage when there are other options.

There are plenty of well-known men who have gotten sober, and their survival stories fill many yards of library shelves. When I wrote the first edition of this book, published in 2016, there were practically no women opening up in the media about their drinking problem. To my great delight, the situation has changed in recent years, and women have come out of the wine closet with their problem. Over the years, I have personally given numerous interviews to magazines and newspapers, television and radio.

Originally, I dedicated this book to women, as I thought that women need their own role models and stories. But after the book was published, I started receiving emails from male readers who said they identified with the stories and views in the book. Gender is not a determining factor after all, even though a drinking problem is still more stigmatizing for a woman than for a man. There are also a lot of men who manage their work and home well, take care of their loved ones and become exhausted – and start to medicate their stressful life situation with alcohol.

That is why this book is dedicated to everyone who, for one reason or another, developed a drinking problem.

The women interviewed for this book talk about their problem with alcohol showing their own faces. They do it because they want to help others who find themselves in the situation in which they once were. It should be possible to talk about alcohol dependence like any other addiction or illness. After all, it is a “disease” from which you can recover completely, if you wish. The more it is talked about openly, the fewer the people who suffer from their problem alone and fail to seek help because they are ashamed.

As more and more people openly talk about their problem with alcohol, we realize that the problem is common and can strike anyone who consumes alcohol. The good news is that you can also free yourself from a drinking problem!

In this book, the word alcoholism is used with discretion, preferring the terms drinking problem and alcohol dependence or addiction. The word alcoholic is problematic and stigmatizing. It is associated with a lot of unpleasant qualities that describe only a very small minority of people with alcohol problems.

Only a small but visible proportion – perhaps about 1-2% -- of alcohol addicts are so-called down-and-outs who have lost their jobs, families, health and homes. And they may not even stop drinking at that point.

Most are quite ordinary working people: mothers and fathers, sportspersons, artists and career people, whose alcohol consumption is not visible. At home, their children and spouse may suffer from the issue, but no one intervenes as long as the alcohol addict does their job and pays their taxes.

A poor alcoholic enters the control apparatus of the social services sooner than the well-to-do high-functioning alcoholic. We all know someone who has a drinking problem or may even be severely alcoholic.

The prevailing and deeply entrenched belief in Finland and the world is that an alcoholic has only two ways to quit drinking: AA and/or having a religious awakening. These do work for some, but not for everyone.

We are all individuals, and the degree of the problem also varies. An alcohol-dependent woman who habitually drinks wine and is ashamed of it, while firmly keeping up appearances and performing her duties perfectly, may not necessarily identify with AA’s 12-step program.

There are other ways to get sober. For some, writing and reading about the subject (peer support forums, blogs, articles about alcohol, research studies, and literature) act as an incentive for comprehensive life changes and giving up drinking. Someone may go for Antabuse from the outset to support quitting, another resorts to medication, and some find help specifically from regular peer group meetings.

The common feature shared by people who have freed themselves from alcohol dependence is that they grow in this process as people and learn to process the emotions and problems they used to “medicate” with alcohol. It is a complete change, whereby life is reconstructed piece by piece into such a form that there is no need to escape from it.

Long ago, I quit smoking with the help of Allen Carr’s book Easy Way to stop smoking. After reading it for the first time, I gave up smoking easily and joyfully, but I didn’t yet know how to maintain the joy of freedom created by the book. Little by little, the old thought patterns reoccupied my mind, and I succumbed to cigarettes after not smoking for years.

I succumbed because I had forgotten why I stopped at the time; how horrible it was to be addicted.

It took a few more readings and getting totally fed up with the nausea and shame caused by smoking, before the book’s persistent brainwashing finally clicked with me, so to speak.

The message of the book is: quitting is easy, and instead of worrying that you can no longer smoke or drink, think: you don’t need to – you are free!

I hope that this book could act as the same kind of “mindblower” as Carr’s book did for me (along with millions of others). You can free yourself from alcohol just as easily. Our thoughts have incredible power. We can do anything if we really want to, and believe in ourselves.

Motivating yourself and hopping on the wagon is a start. After that, the actual work begins, that is, re-evaluating your beliefs, getting to know and loving yourself, and making your everyday life exactly how you want it. It often requires changes in several areas of life. However, this work is very rewarding and wonderful.

Above all else, I want to share the good news that you can break free from addiction and it can be ridiculously easy. Life without alcohol is wonderful!

If you have just stopped drinking or are considering quitting, I hope this book can help you change your life. You will lose nothing when you give up alcohol. On the contrary: you will gain time, energy and joy in your life many times over, and above all, you will be free!

When I was writing the first edition of this book, I had only been sober for six months when the book had to be delivered to the publisher.

At the time of writing this foreword, it will soon be eight years since I ditched alcohol.

I hardly ever think about alcohol now, or the fact that I don’t drink it. Friends are now used to my sobriety, and new acquaintances have been fine with it.

Today, alcohol is less often pressed on me, although this may be due to the fact that I have grown older, and there are fewer parties during the hectic middle-aged years than when I was younger. Professional networking events also provide nonalcoholic options – and with laudable frequency not just fizzy soft drinks.

I have supplemented and updated this edition with experience gained over the years, new research results and sources, as well as new accounts of breaking free from wine. In the book, I alternate my diary entries and observations about the progress of sobriety with the stories of other people who have gotten sober.

I wrote the first edition in love with my new life, and I believe that this is precisely why the book has had such a big impact: so many people have told me that the book helped them to break free from their wine addiction. The overwhelming joyfulness is conveyed to the readers.

Even today, I capture the same emotion almost every day, but the feeling has naturally stabilized over the years, and soberism has become a normal state, everyday life.

I have received a lot of messages about the 2016 edition of this book, and they often start with the words: Thank you, your book saved my life.

Surprisingly, feedback has also come from those who have read the book because of their loved one’s drinking problem and have ended up making small or big life changes themselves, inspired by the book.

I hope that this gives you, the reader, the power to transform your life and everyday routine, so that you want to enjoy it in all situations with a clear head and mind.

Life IS the best drug, and soberists ARE cooler.

IRA KOIVU: I began to drink for my loneliness

Ira Koivu (b. 1975), M.Soc.Sc. Change Management Coach. Soberist since 2015

When I was younger, I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to drink alone. Where is the sense in that?

At that time, a couple of my friends were already drinking alone and telling me how much they relished pottering around on their own while sipping a beer.

At the age of 32, I was divorced and the custodial parent of a toddler. My child was under 18 months old and her father was self-employed, so a weekly parenting shift system was out of the question. Our daughter spent every other weekend at her father’s, and the rest of the time she and I were on our own.

Even though I enjoyed motherhood, I also longed for me-time, so I could focus on my own interests and needs. I told my friend that I was finding daily life constricting, as I couldn’t go anywhere. I was imprisoned at home! I couldn’t even go for a run, because you can’t leave a child home alone to sleep.

My friend tried to cheer me up and suggested that I pamper myself with a glass of wine, once my daughter was asleep.

I finally decided to try enjoying having a drink alone. After putting my child to bed, I made myself a goat’s cheese salad, with which I had a glass of chilled white wine, the TV keeping me company. A little alcohol buzz mellowed my head nicely, and things seemed to be going better. The loneliness and worries dissipated, and I thought: This is NICE! My own adult moment!

Three years later, the occasional glass had stealthily turned into a bottle almost every night, and it no longer felt nice. I had started to use wine to escape a mentally unbearable life situation, where things affected me, but I was unable to influence them. I had a bullying boss and a huge worry over my daughter, who was strongly opposed to staying with her father.

I was powerless in the situation: In Finland, a child in joint custody must be forced to stay with the other parent, regardless of their resistance and fear. Failure to comply could give the impression that the parent does not support the other parent, and then the child can be assigned to the sole custody of the other parent. This was the frightening warning given to me by the authorities when I repeatedly tried to seek help for the situation.

I medicated my ever-growing anxiety with wine. Every morning, I started a new life and solemnly swore I would not touch a drop tonight. And then I did, again. Anxiety, guilt and melancholia were my constant companions.

Alcohol became a self-feeding cycle: when I had a drink, I felt good for a while and the anxiety was alleviated. But the following day the guilt and depression were so overwhelming that I needed alcohol again to relieve them. Alcohol is known to reduce the serotonin levels in the brain, which causes depression.

My tolerance had gradually increased, so a bottle of wine no longer had hardly any effect on me. I was not unsteady-drunk and I got no physical hangovers. I exercised every day, I was a good mother (my daughter has never seen me drunk) and an efficient employee, I ate healthily and performed the duties in my life perfectly in every way. With the exception of those two hours in the evening, during which I reset my head with wine.

Then I found a piece of research online claiming that if drinking has not developed into alcoholism, it is still possible to learn how to be a moderate drinker. The prerequisites for success were being under 40 years of age and not having undergone detox treatment. I met the criteria!

I decided to stop drinking for four months, and in that time the “alcohol pathways” that had developed in my brain would fade away and no longer activate the old habitual dependence. After that, I would learn to drink in moderation and never alone or on weekdays again – unless it was a special occasion, perhaps.

I kept a blog about my experiment and thought even then that I should write a book about this subject. So amazing were the feelings and thoughts that the sober period brought to the surface. The feedback I received also told me that I wasn’t the only secret tippler.

I enjoyed being teetotal to the fullest, but as the four-month milestone loomed, my restlessness grew. I began to crave wine. In the end, I cracked open a bottle a couple of days early – even though I had admitted to being much happier, more cheerful and energetic while abstaining.

For a while, alcohol stayed on the sidelines of my life, as I no longer drank alone.

I started dating. My boyfriend and I cooked great food and drank good wine at weekends. Copious amounts of it.

When my child was with her father, weekends could be very drink-fueled. I held alcohol-free periods every so often, trying to keep my drinking under control.

At this point, it was a good four years since I’d ended the constant boozing, but I felt that alcohol was once again taking up too much space in my thoughts. Wine was an automatic part of the weekends when my child was away. When the relationship started to develop problems, I wanted to drink away the pain. I was aware that I was using alcohol as medication, which it definitely is not, quite the opposite.

It took me a long time to break away from the dysfunctional relationship and alcohol, until I finally had the strength to quit both.

At the beginning of 2015, I decided to celebrate the 40th birthdays of myself and my friends that year, and after the last party, I would get on the wagon once and for all.

When I told my friends and boyfriend about my plan, they just laughed.

The last party came at the end of November. I had been psyching myself up for a long time, and I was so looking forward to my new life free from wine that I didn’t really fancy alcohol at all. But I drank because I had so decided, and I didn’t want to have regrets later for not taking advantage of my last chance.

Even though I left the party to go home at a decent time, I woke up in the morning with absolutely shocking anxiety. Everything seemed black and I just wanted to die. The self-loathing was enormous.

I swore that I would never drink again, and at the same moment I remembered that I really don’t drink anymore!

Lightened by this realization, the anxiety receded and was replaced by joy and excitement: I will never have this feeling again! I will never have to suffer from a mental or physical hangover again!

The next day, I realized that my reaction was due to PMS symptoms, which multiplied the anxiety state caused by alcohol. There is something good even about PMS symptoms! They gave me more strength to make a firm decision.

THE FIRST WEEKS SOBER

November – December 2015

Week 1

I’m missing alcohol during the first week.

Not that I want to go out and buy wine, but I grieve over the fact that I’m saying goodbye to a “friend” I’ve had in my life for more than 20 years. A friend that helped numb the emotions I should have processed.

I feel irritable, negative and depressed, even though at the same time I’m pleased and relieved about my decision.

Week 2

The fatigue is immense and I feel lethargic. I’m like a bear in hibernation.

On the positive side, I’ve had dreams in which I clearly address issues.

I can’t remember the last time I had dreams, maybe mostly in my drink-free periods.

My waistline is also narrower, my tummy is flatter, and I’m not craving unhealthy foods.

Week 4

The tiredness is starting to ease a little and my brain is becoming clearer. My waistline has reduced by 4 cm!

I haven’t missed alcohol at all. Maybe this fatigue is protecting me from it? There are no overdrive situations that need to be slowed down with wine.

It’s difficult to concentrate with new things and ideas constantly popping into my head.

I found a brilliant blog where a middle-aged woman in a responsible position writes a journal for three years about her process of getting sober.

It’s inspiring and eye-opening to find that other people who have stopped drinking have had the very same insights and feelings as myself.

The writer is a so-called high-functioning alcoholic, in other words appearances have been kept up. Even her husband probably doesn’t know, even today, that she had a drinking problem. He may have wondered for a while what was wrong with his wife, when she no longer wanted an after-sauna beer or glass of champagne.

It’s comforting to read that fatigue and inertia are part of the recovery process. Apparently, physical recovery can take months.

Reading literature and blogs on the subject serves as peer support to reinforce the decision: since as a teetotaler I belong to a minority in Finland, I can find kindred spirits online and discover that someone has had the same experiences as myself.

Even though we are all individuals, there are clear similarities in the sober stories. It also turns out that I’m not the only woman who can thank her PMS symptoms for her “rock-bottom” experience.

TWO MONTHS SOBER

January 2016

The fatigue has finally subsided. Was it a withdrawal symptom or a defense mechanism?

I used to go into overdrive every so often, work like crazy, which made me even more manic, and finally I would “calm myself down” with wine. But now I’ve started to wonder whether it could be that I unconsciously increased the pace, whipped myself to overachieve, so that at the end I could “reward” myself?

I found an article about recovery that talked about recovery time – that is, recovery really does take some time and doesn’t happen at the snap of the fingers. Among other things, the neural pathways are regenerated during the recovery period. Pretty wild.

It’s wonderful to think that my body is healing all the time. The brain feels sharp, the fog is gone.

70 days sober