From #Indyref to Eternity E-Book

Douglas Lindsay

• Herausgeber: Luath Press
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 152

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2014

Beschreibung

The repercussions of Scotland's indyref will echo down the years, for evermore, for proud Scotia's sons and daughters, from here to eternity. DR IAN SHACKLETON, 19 SEPTEMBER 2014 From David Cameron striding across the border, wearing nothing but a kilt and brandishing a claymore soaked in the blood of his enemies, to Alex Salmond's naked mud wrestling bout with Alistair Darling, the campaign to win Scotland's independence from the Evil Empire in Westminster had everything. Now, with in-depth analysis from renowned political expert, Dr Ian Shackleton, and relying on actual quotes from friends of sources close to aides to senior Holyrood insiders, From #Indyref To Eternity tells the true story of the momentous political event, that historians will call 'that vote about the thing that happened in Scotland in 2014.'

Leseprobe

DOUGLAS LINDSAYwas born in Scotland in 1964 at 2:38am. It rained.

Some decades later he left to live in Belgium. Meeting his future wife, Kathryn, he took the opportunity to drop out of reality and join her on a Foreign & Commonwealth Office posting to Senegal. It was here that he developed the character of Barney Thomson, while sitting in an air-conditioned apartment drinking gin & tonic at eight o’clock in the morning. Since the late 1990s, he has penned seven books in the Barney series, and several other crime novels written in a non-traditional style. His first book,The Long Midnight of Barney Thomson, has been translated into several languages and will soon be released as the major motion picture event,The Legend of Barney Thomsonstarring Robert Carlyle, Emma Thompson and Ray Winstone.

Raised in Cambuslang, scunnered in perpetuity, Lindsay moved to Estonia the day after the Referendum.

DR IAN SHACKLETONis rumoured to be a figment of his imagination. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is unlikely.

By Douglas Lindsay

The Barney Thomson novels

The Long Midnight Of Barney Thomson

The Barber Surgeon’s Hairshirt

Murderers Anonymous

The Resurrection Of Barney Thomson

The Last Fish Supper

The Haunting Of Barney Thomson

The Final Cut

The Barbershop Seven (The Barney Thomson Novel Omnibus)

Barney Thomson Novellas/Short Stories

The Face Of Death

The Wormwood Code

The End Of Days

Barney Thomson, Zombie Killer

The Curse Of Barney Thomson

The Thomas Hutton Novels

The Unburied Dead

A Plague of Crows

The Blood That Stains Your Hands

Other Novels

Lost in Juarez

Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite!

A Room With No Natural Light (2015)

We Are The Hanged Man

Short stories

The Case Of The Stained Glass Widow

Santa’s Christmas Eve Blues

Non-fiction

For The Most Part Uncontaminated

There Are Always Side Effects

Kids, And Why You Shouldn’t Eat More Than One For Breakfast

From #Indyref to Eternity

The battle for a nation, and how proud Scotia came within a whisker of breaking free

DOUGLAS LINDSAY

with illustrations by

BOB DEWAR

LuathPress Limited

EDINBURGH

www.luath.co.uk

Contents

Author Bio

By Douglas Lindsay

Copyright

Introduction

31 March 2014

7 April 2014

7 April 2014

21 April 2014

28 April 2014

5 May 2014

12 May 2014

19 May 2014

26 May 2014

2 June 2014

9 June 2014

16 June 2014

23 June 2014

30 June 2014

7 July 2014

21 July 2014

28 July 2014

4 August 2014

11 August 2014

18 August 2014

25 August 2014

1 September 2014

8 September 2014

15 September 2014

22 September 2014

Afterword

First published 2014

A rapid-response version of this text – a first draft of history in the making – appeared weekly inHeraldScotland Onlinebetween March and September 2014.

ISBN: 978-1-910021-83-5

ISBN (EBK): 978-1-910324-50-9

The author’s right to be identified as author of this work under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 has been asserted.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any meanswithout the permission of the author.

© Douglas Lindsay 2014

Introduction

The Scottish Referendum on independence of 2014 will go down in history as one of the great referendums of 2014.

Of all the words written during the debate, and analysts believe that there were more than 300 million such words, none were more influential than those written in the Shackleton Report, which appeared every Monday morning, for the six months prior to the vote, in the online edition ofThe Herald.

Now the reports, including as they do the numerous insightful, at-the-time, off-the-cuff verbatim quotes from Dr Ian Shackleton of the Glasgow School of Politics and Football, have been collected together into one edition, providing a valuable starting point for historians of the future.

Professor Malcolm Connery

The Glasgow Institute of Special Things

November 2014

31 March 2014

Westminster Vows ‘Not to Invade Scotland’ In Event of Yes Vote

Despite a reported rise in troop deployments to the north of England, and claims that the British army have begun to send all Scottish soldiers to Afghanistan while deploying English and Welsh troops to Scottish barracks, ministers in Westminster today denied that the UK was getting ready to crush Scotland militarily in the event of a Yes vote in September’s Referendum.

A report in theGuardianthis weekend had quoted one unidentified UK government minister as saying that ‘of course England would invade’ in the event of a Yes vote. ‘Sure, we want to sound reasonable, we don’t want to sound like we hate the Scots,’ said the unnamed minister. ‘However, the reality, as everybody knows, is that we’re Tories. We eat babies. We slaughter wild animals out of badness. We want to tax kittens. We make people with no limbs go to juggling academy or lose their benefit. Of course we’ll invade.’

Although Scottish Deputy First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, claimed the No campaign was ‘deeply damaged’ by the leak, George Osborne and Danny Alexander made a joint appearance, standing on top of a tank as it rolled up the M6, to deny theGuardian’sstory. Asked repeatedly if they were guilty of bluff and bluster, Osborne cracked, ‘No, I’m Bluster, he’s Bluff,’ to hoots of laughter from the assembled press corps.

Speaking to me this morning from his office on the 98th floor of Glasgow’s Salmond State Building, Dr Shackleton told me he believed the real losers are the electorate. ‘We all know the only honest politician is a dead one,’ said Shackleton. ‘They’re all jockeying for position at the moment. Will England invade? Will they deny Scotland the Pound? Is Alex Salmond’s reported Plan B really the reintroduction of the groat? At the moment they’re trying to win votes, and as a result truth lies bloody and slaughtered at the feet of the gorilla of political expediency.’

Some political analysts, such as Professor Malcolm Connery, of the Glasgow Institute of Special Things, believe war is inevitable. ‘There’s just too much unfinished business,’ said Connery. ‘We haven’t forgiven the Clearances, and they haven’t forgotten Jim Baxter playing keepie uppie when we handed them their arse at Wembley in ’67.’

Later, showing the kind of political insight that only years at Westminster can bring, Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael admitted that while some people might vote No, others might vote Yes.

Other Referendum News From The Past Week

Friday 28 March

‘It was like Nelson Mandela’s release from prison multiplied by VE Day,’ says Dr Shackleton, referring to Nick Clegg’s triumphant keynote pro-Unionist speech at the Scottish Lib Dem’s spring conference.

In the most extraordinary political oration of this, or any other, generation, Mr Clegg told an audience of almost 100,000, packed into the Aberdeen & District Liberal and Working Men’s Alliance Social Club, that staying in the UK would be ‘the most thrilling thing that happens to any of us in our lifetime.’

‘What we’re seeing here,’ says Dr Shackleton, ‘is a further demonstration of the sheer power that lies behind the No campaign. These guys are Big Dogs, and big dogs have big balls. Alex Salmond may have the girth of ten men, but next to the likes of behemoths such as Clegg, he looks like Hen Broon on the Atkins (diet).’

Mr Clegg, fresh from crushing Nigel Farage earlier this week, was in fine form, as he stood on the podium Putin-esque, bare-chested and clutching a claymore. There was one awkward slip of the tongue from the Lib Dem leader when he inadvertently referred to he and Danny Alexander ‘hammering out the badger.’ He quickly apologised, stating that what he in fact meant was that they’d been badgering the hamster together.

Wednesday 26 March 2014

There was another blow for the SNP today as new research revealed that all 790 islands off the coast of Scotland will seek independence for themselves in the event of a Yes vote in September’s Referendum. It was already known that the likes of Shetland, Orkney and Millport were exploring their options, but now it seems that independence fever is sweeping the islands, from Berneray and Easdale, to Ailsa Craig, St Kilda and the Bass Rock.

It’s not yet known whether the islands will join together as a single nation, to be known as the Federated Islands of The Former United Caledonian Kingdom of (FITF***) Scotland, or whether they will look to be independent from each other. It is the latter case that is already causing headaches throughout Europe.

‘Holy merde!’ gasped Michel Platini, President of UEFA, ‘for sure if this happens, we’ll need to start the qualifying rounds for Euro 2024 last year.’

‘It was inevitable,’ says Dr Shackleton. ‘We’re in the viral age. Ideas catch on and sweep around the world in minutes. From Miley Cyrus photobombing David Cameron at Wimbledon, to Alex Salmond swinging butt naked on a wrecking ball, images and ideas instantly become that day’s zeitgeist. Today it’s the notion of independent islands. The SNP have opened Pandora’s box, and now global fragmentation leading to annihilation of life on earth is inevitable.’

Monday 24 March 2014

With two years to go until the date that the SNP hope to be able to declare Scotland an independent nation, deputy leader of the party, Nicola Sturgeon, today announced that a new Scottish Constitution would be unveiled before Holyrood goes into summer recess.

Entitled Declaration of Arbroath II and written on parchment made from the wooden legs of Highlanders enslaved after the Battle of Culloden, the new constitution will, said Sturgeon, ‘light a fire under Westminster’s arse, and show them we mean business.’

New laws enshrined in the constitution will allow citizens the right to graze sheep on any golf course owned by Donald Trump and see Archie Gemmill’s goal against Holland declared a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

With weekend polls showing the Yes vote catching the No vote, and with the Yes campaign making an Ally McLeod-esque assumption that once someone has decided to vote Yes they won’t change their mind, the mood in their camp is ebullient.

‘We will close the wall up with the English dead,’ said one SNP insider, ‘and tonight we feast on two-for-one lamb steaks from Scotmid.’

The latest poll in today’s Scotsman shows voters split nearly fifty-fifty between those who think politicians should be seen less often on television, and those who think they are already seen too much.

7 April 2014

Independent Scotland Set To Lose The Right To Call Itself Scotland

With news that the opinion polls are closing, amid SNP hopes that they could be leading most national surveys by mid-summer, David Cameron today stepped up plans to make sure that an independent Scotland would not have the right to use its name should it ever get to have its own seat at the United Nations.

Top political analyst, Dr Ian Shackleton, believes that Westminster is considering several possibilities to legally lay claim to the name ‘Scotland’ prior to independence, allowing them to deny Holyrood its use in the event of a Yes vote, much in the way that the Greeks have maintained with Macedonia.

Options being considered include:

designating the area around Berwick in the north of England as the Unitary Council Authority of Scotland

re-naming the Falkland Islands, Scotland

producing a cheese in the north of England named Scotland, and registering its legitimacy with the European Union

buying a certificate claiming ownership of the name Scotland on the Internet for £1

Continued suggestions, however, that Scotland will need to become known as The Former Yugoslav Republic of Scotland – FYR Scotland – seem unlikely. Westminster, it is rumoured, will be pushing for the new nation to be known as The Former United Caledonian Kingdom of Scotland – or F*** Scotland, as it will be known if it ever gets to take its place in New York.

‘There is no doubt,’ Dr Shackleton told me this morning, speaking from his 98th floor office in the glittering Burj Salmond, overlooking Glasgow’s celebrated financial district, ‘that the F*** Scotland campaign is gaining ground in Westminster. Just remember that it was the Tories who started the Opium Wars, massacred Zulus, re-introduced child labour in the ’80s and were the primary cause for Scotland losing 1–0 to Costa Rica at Italia ’90. They will stop at nothing.’

Friends of political insiders say that the campaign against Scotland is only just beginning, and that in the next few weeks the government in Westminster intends to tell Scotland that in the event of a Yes vote:

it can’t use the colour blue for its national sports teams

Flower of Scotland will need to include verses about Culloden, the Darien Scheme and Wembley ’61

Buckfast Abbey will not be granted a licence to export fortified wine

the whole of F*** Scotland will be carpet-bombed by American troops ‘looking for something to do’ after withdrawing from Afghanistan

Scotland could be bricked off and declared a penal colony

In response, Holyrood insiders have repeated claims that First Minister Salmond is aiming to push for Derby in a new spring offensive.

Other Referendum News From The Past Week

Sunday 6 April

Under-fire UK government Culture Secretary, Maria Miller, can have a job ‘any time she feels like it’ in the Scottish government, Alex Salmond said today. Referencing the popularity of Miller north of the border, as well as that of many of her Westminster colleagues, Salmond said a future independent Scotland would look to build a Gordon Brown-esque Government Of All the Talents (GOAT) administration.

‘Government by GOAT worked brilliantly for Brown,’ said Salmond, as he spoke this weekend from New York, where he is launching Braveheart Week across the US. ‘That’s what we need to do in Edinburgh. Suck in people with talent from all over, and govern as a kind of cross-party autonomous collective. If Maria is somehow forced out by a desperate opposition and a baying press corps, she’s welcome at Holyrood. We’ll find her a seat, nae bother.’

Salmond is also rumoured to be eyeing up other top Tories, popular north of the border, but who sometimes come in for a rough time in Englandshire.

Dr Shackleton is unsurprised by this new approach. ‘Look at guys like Eric Pickles and Jeremy Hunt,’ he said to me. ‘People in Scotland love them, and yet the English don’t appreciate what they’ve got. And Michael Gove – sure, he sounds posh, but of course he’s as Scottish as early World Cup exits and a male life expectancy of 57.’

Maria Miller was unavailable for comment, but a statement released by her people indicated that while she had heard of Scotland, she wasn’t entirely sure she could place it on the map.

Tuesday 1 April

While levels of acrimony and bitterness between the Yes and No campaigns in the Scottish Referendum have grown exponentially, there’s one thing on which they all agree. Politicians, pundits, political analysts, commentators, party insiders and crazy people on the Internet have never had so much fun. As a result, regardless of the outcome of the vote on 18 September, it seems certain that Scotland will have another Referendum next year.

The likes of Johann Lamont, John Swinney and Nicola Sturgeon have become Scotland’s answer to Beyonce and J-Zed, with constant demands on their time, be it for modelling contracts, celebrity TV chat shows, or appearing naked in rock videos with Katy Perry.

‘You can understand how these politicians have become attached to the celebrity lifestyle,’ says Dr Shackleton. ‘One minute they’re grubbing along in the dirt with a name recognition equivalent to some guy who was in an episode ofCSI Bishopbriggsonce, and the next they’re wife-swapping at drunken Hollywood parties. Consider Ruth Davidson. She received about 12 votes at the last election, yet now she’s considered a political heavyweight of the calibre of Aung San Suu Kyi, and she’s been linked romantically with Angelina Jolie.’

While it’s not yet clear what question will be asked at next year’s Referendum, insiders believe that if the winning margin in the independence vote is less than 1%, the vote will be repeated in an effort to get a more clearcut result. ‘That’s what everyone’s after,’ says Shackleton. ‘We all want exactly the same thing next year. The public especially, they can’t get enough of it.’

However, if September’s vote sees one side getting their arse handed to them, then all kinds of questions could be on the table, including:

Should Scotland’s national anthem be Flower of Scotland, Highland Cathedral or the Bay City Rollers’ Shang-a-lang?

Should Scotland apply to join Warsaw Pact II?

Should curling replace football as the national sport?

Should Scotland just stop playing rugby because, to be honest, it’s getting embarrassing?

Speaking from the set of Tom Cruise’sTop Gun II, where he’s appearing as Maverick’s new sidekick, Donut, Alex Salmond was excited at the thought of repeating the whole Referendum experience. ‘I’m going balls out for this. It’s awesome. Look, I need to dash, I’m doingCelebrity Man Versus Foodin ten minutes.’

‘One thing’s for sure,’ said Shackleton. ‘When this thing’s over, it’ll be like the whole nation has died. The morning of 19 September is going to be the flattest day in history, even for the winners. Nobody’s going to know what to do with themselves.’

7 April 2014

Cameron Finally Agrees To Meet Salmond Head On

After months of goading from the Scottish First Minister and the Yes campaign, UK Prime Minister, David Cameron, has finally agreed to meet Alex Salmond head to head. Insiders believe that Mr Cameron had approved the meeting in principle last year, but that there has been several months of behind-the-scenes haggling over what format the live TV clash should take.

While Mr Salmond’s team has been pushing for a two-man debate on the BBC hosted by Radio 4 sex symbol, Jim Naughtie, Mr Cameron’s advisors have been reluctant to let him anywhere near that kind of situation.