Growing Yourself Up E-Book

Jenny Brown

• Herausgeber: WS
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 382

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2017

Beschreibung

In relationships, we experience both the best and worst of ourselves. Growing Yourself Up helps you understand yourself by understanding your relationships. Drawing on Bowen family systems theory, the book explores each life stage to see predictable relationship patterns and then make self-adjustments to facilitate change. This 2nd edition of the bestselling book also examines how to effectively help others. The result is a sturdier self and a new view of life’s challenges and opportunities.

Leseprobe

GROWING

yourselfUP

HOW TO BRING YOURBEST TO ALL OFLIFE’S RELATIONSHIPS

Jenny Brown PhD

First published 2012. This edition published 2017.

Exisle Publishing Pty Ltd

PO Box 864, Chatswood, NSW 2057, Australia

226 High Street, Dunedin, 9016, New Zealand

www.exislepublishing.com

Copyright © 2012 and 2017 in text: Jenny Brown

Jenny Brown asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

All rights reserved. Except for short extracts for the purpose of review, no part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, whether electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior written permission from the publisher.

A CiP record for this book is available from the National Library of Australia.

Print ISBN 9781925335194

ePub ISBN 9781775593591

Designed by Tracey GibbsTypeset in ITC Cheltenhem Std

Disclaimer

This book is a general guide only and should never be a substitute for the skill, knowledge and experience of a qualified medical professional dealing with the facts, circumstances and symptoms of a particular case. The nutritional, medical and health information presented in this book is based on the research, training and professional experience of the author, and is true and complete to the best of their knowledge.

However, this book is intended only as an informative guide; it is not intended to replace or countermand the advice given by the reader’s personal physician. Because each person and situation is unique, the author and the publisher urge the reader to check with a qualified healthcare professional before using any procedure where there is a question as to its appropriateness. The author, publisher and their distributors are not responsible for any adverse effects or consequences resulting from the use of the information in this book. It is the responsibility of the reader to consult a physician or other qualified healthcare professional regarding their personal care. This book contains references to products that may not be available everywhere. The intent of the information provided is to be helpful; however, there is no guarantee of results associated with the information provided. Use of drug brand names is for educational purposes only and does not imply endorsement.

‘Jenny Brown has written an extraordinary book on Bowen Theory: clear, easy to read, while maintaining all the human complexity of Bowen’s theory of differentiation or maturity. Brown’s examples ring true and her clarity on the key points of developing mature relationships with those in your life. The book is a welcome breath of air for all those interested in understanding or conveying to others the principles of managing relationships with spouses, partners, siblings, and others. Every clinician should have copies of this book to give to clients.’

— Monica McGoldrick, MA, MSW, PhD (Hon), Director of the Multicultural Family Institute in Highland Park, New Jersey; Visiting Professor at Fordham University School of Social Service; and Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School

‘This book is an excellent resource for those interested in pursuing greater emotional maturity in their relationships (and those learning to help others do so). In short, a wonderfully clear, thoughtful and engaging read. I recommend it highly.’

— Elizabeth A. Skowron, PhD, Professor of Counseling Psychology and Human Services, University of Oregon

‘Growing Yourself Up has become my go-to recommendation to clients and friends who want to learn more about Murray Bowen’s family systems theory. Jenny Brown’s writing style is approachable for lay people and her use of clinical vignettes illustrates the concepts in a way that is universally relatable. The day after I was asked to write this review a client mentioned to me she was in the process of reading Growing Yourself Up for the second time. She told me she’s given copies to her mother and her brother and that they both read the book and refer to it as needed, even though neither of them are in therapy and have no specific interest in Bowen theory. Most other representations of Bowen theory are more academically oriented and not particularly appropriate for the lay reader, yet Jenny Brown has been careful to remain true to the concepts and not “erode” the theory in her efforts to translate somewhat challenging ideas. She has also stayed away from the use of professional jargon that could bog down the non-professional. Dr Bowen’s theory is in my opinion the most important addition to the understanding of human behavior since Dr Freud’s introduction of his groundbreaking ideas, and more accurate and useful than much of what is being promoted today for the treatment of mental health problems. By giving us this book, Jenny Brown is leading the effort to bring Dr Bowen’s work to the level of public awareness it deserves.’

— Lorna Hecht, MFT, Marriage and Family Therapist, private practice, San Diego, CA.

‘This will be a book that readers will return to again and again to refresh their thinking and their efforts to be effectively present and accounted for in the major relationships of their lives.’

— Dan Papero PhD, MSW, Faculty of The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family, Washington, DC

‘Growing Yourself Up is a book of wisdom, presented carefully and empathically without pulling any punches. The ideas will resonate, not as being from the ivory tower of academia but by reminding us of deep truths that you somehow already know.’

— Dr Paul Rhodes, Senior Lecturer, Clinical Psychology Unit, University of Sydney

‘Is there a way to lead or parent without getting exhausted? How can I help others without fostering dependency? What’s the difference between ‘helpful helpfulness’ and ‘unhelpful helpfulness?’ If these questions intrigue you, this second edition of Jenny Brown’s scintillating book will deliver a deep breath of fresh air. In a culture of hyper-sensitivity, entitlement, over-protection, whining and blaming, Growing Yourself Up draws from the pioneering ideas of Dr Murray Bowen, and the author’s own extensive clinical experience to cut through the pretenses and smokescreens that inhibit healthy helpfulness. I have found here a treasure box of ideas and strategies for my clients and, most importantly, for myself.’

— John Engels, President, Leadership Coaching, Inc., Rochester, New York

Growing Yourself Up has been a valuable asset for my Lifespan Development course. Students appreciate the clear and easy-to-read style of everyday applications of life cycle theory and have benefitted tremendously from the personal growth it provides.

— John Millikin, PhD, LMFT,adjunct faculty Virginia Tech, and private practice, Virginia

I keep returning to Growing Yourself Up for myself and recommending it to others. Clear, practical and thoughtful, it’s a book that can be used by clergy and other helpers to check in on their own tendency to over-advise and over-fix others in ways that are not so helpful in the long term. In addition, almost anyone could pick it up and find ways to take more responsibility for themselves and grow up a little bit more.

— Margaret Marcuson, clergy leadership coach, author of Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry and Money and Your Ministry,Portland Oregon

Contents

IntroductionWho’s willing to work at growing up?

Part 1 Understanding the relationship foundations of adult maturity

1.Becoming a self in our relationships

2.Real maturity or pretend maturity?How to tell the difference

3.Family ties that bindUnderstanding our family of origin

Part 2 Maturity for the first half of adult life

4.Leaving home and growing upOut into the big wide world

5.The single young adultLearning how to relate wisely to yourself

6.How marriage can grow peopleChanging yourself and not your spouse

7.Sex for grown-upsTwo contrasting bedroom stories

8.Grown-up parentingSetting an example for the next generation

Part 3 Being a grown-up beyond our family

9.Off to work we goMaturity gaps in the workplace

10.Developing mature beliefsCompliance, rebellion or examination

Part 4 Nurturing maturity in the face of setbacks

11.Separation and divorceGetting beyond blaming

12.Symptoms and setbacksThe uneven playing field of maturity

Part 5 Maturity enhancement in the second half of life

13.MidlifeCrisis or an opportunity for growth?

14.Ageing wellRetirement, the empty nest, relating to a third generation

15.Old age and facing deathDenial or honest preparation

Part 6: Broadening the focus

16.The grown-up helperA guide to facilitating others’ growing up efforts

17.Society and selfThe bigger picture of maturity

Epilogue From the inner child to the inner adult  Reflections on the lifelong journey of maturity

Appendix 1: Summary questions for reflection

Appendix 2: Mature connection and separateness

Appendix 3: What are guiding principles?

Appendix 4: Differentiation of self as a continuum

Appendix 5: How to construct your family diagram

Appendix 6: An overview of human development across the lifespan from a Bowen family systems perspective

Appendix 7: Some Biblical reflections on relationships

Notes

Bibliography and further reading

Acknowledgments

Index

Introduction

Who’s willing to work at growing up?

Growing maturity, based on seeing the patterns of relationship we’re part of, promotes more honesty, humility and improved health for us and for those we care about.

‘Grow up!’ How many times have you heard this, said it or thought it in times of frustration? Maybe it was said to you, or a brother or sister, by your parents. Perhaps you’ve said it in a moment of annoyance to one of your kids. Have you thought it of your colleagues at work or of your spouse? It may be that one of your siblings still struggles with the same growing-up problems as an adult that they had as teenagers; or you could be frustrated by your adult children’s reluctance to fly the nest.

Perhaps you picked up this book with the idea of giving it to one of these people who ‘really needs to get their act together’. This might come from a real sense of caring for another, but the problem is that this focus on others can leave a whopping blind spot when it comes to our own lapses in maturity. We’re often prone to thinking that if only that other person could grow up a bit we’d be able to get on with being our own mature selves.

While many of us get caught up in finding fault in others when things seem to go off course, there are some who are always finding fault in themselves: ‘I’m the problem in this family’; ‘They wouldn’t be so upset if I was a better daughter/parent/spouse.’ Whether it’s judging another or harshly judging ourselves, this pathway doesn’t bring lasting growth in us. So what’s going to remove these barriers to personal growth? What is the road to adult maturity?

Maturity that grows self, rather than promotes it

The popular answer to this question is to improve yourself by magnifying your good qualities and potential. Have you noticed how approaches to building self-esteem focus on promoting our strengths and avoid looking at the gaps in our maturity? Self-promotion can easily lead to demoting others. If we don’t feel happy, it’s easy to think that others are standing in our way and causing our unhappiness. It’s all too easy to believe that if we can get people to change, or if we could avoid difficult people, perhaps we could then be free to reach our potential.

Many have discovered that this path of inflating the self at the expense of others fails to deliver lasting stability or satisfaction. Each time a new challenge is confronted, the formula of trying to change or blame other people is applied, resulting in a continuous cycle of relationship disappointments. Either we become resentful of others not improving in response to our efforts to help them, or we discard people who disappoint us in the same vein as a pair of shoes that has gone out of style or lost its comfortable fit.

If you’re more prone to blaming yourself, the common self-help formula is to correct the negative messages you give yourself and replace them with positives. This can help for a while but seems very hard to maintain in the face of deeply ingrained sensitivities to not measuring up for others.

Relationships, the best place to grow

Whether we see the problem in others or in ourselves, we’re likely to miss seeing that each of us is part of a system of relationships that deeply influences each individual’s capacity for emotional resilience. Given that our original family has such a profound sway on the development of our maturity, it follows that going back to these formative relationships is the best laboratory in which to make positive changes. Genuine maturity for life starts with learning to observe ourselves in our relationships, and appreciating that problems are not just in the individual but also in the interconnections — the relationship systems — with others.

The project of growing ourselves, our task of seeking to understand how we may be contributing to our own dissatisfactions in our interactions, is all about personal responsibility in our relationships and not about self-promotion. It’s a project that can gradually transform even the most challenging of our relationships as our awareness of the effect we have on others, and the way we react to them, increases. Growing maturity, based on seeing the patterns of relationship we’re part of, promotes more honesty, humility and improved health for us and for those we care about. This book is about how to develop this awareness and put into action the lessons from it. It’s about growing ourselves up and seeing every stage of life as a rich opportunity to facilitate this. Few of us like to think that as adults we still could benefit from a bit more maturity, but when we are willing to be more real about our relating patterns and work to change ourselves, the benefits for us and our relationships can be profound.

Bowen family systems theory

It’s important to know where the ideas in this book come from in order to judge their trustworthiness. They’re based on a theory developed by psychiatrist and researcher Dr Murray Bowen (1913–90) that is backed up by a growing body of empirical research.1 In recent years Bowen’s concept of ‘differentiation of self’ — which describes differing levels of maturity in relationships — has been shown by researchers to be related to important areas of wellbeing, including marital satisfaction, and the capacity to handle stress, make decisions and manage social anxiety.

Bowen was a US army physician during World War II who became interested in psychiatry after seeing the varying effects of trauma on soldiers. Bowen’s theory is invaluable for helping us to understand the variations in how different people manage similarly stressful circumstances. He originally trained in Freud’s psychoanalysis but departed from this theory as he observed that human difficulties went beyond unresolved issues in the individual’s psyche and were, rather, embedded in each person’s family system — the focus of this book on relationship systems. In researching whole families at the US National Institute of Mental Health in the 1950s, Bowen noticed patterns of managing anxiety in families that were similar to the instinctive ways other species dealt with threats in (or to) their herds and packs. Bowen saw our personal and relationship problems as coming from exaggerated responses to sensing a threat to family harmony and that of other groups. For example, the reaction to a family disagreement can be such an inflated pull for unity that there’s no tolerance for differences of opinion. Or an upset in a child is responded to with such an intense effort to protect the child that he or she consequently has no room to develop their own capacity to soothe themself.

Bowen’s concept of differentiation of self forms the basis of this book’s description of maturity. The concept of differentiation can be confusing but, put simply, it refers to the ability to think as an individual while staying meaningfully connected to others. It describes the varying capacity each person has to balance their emotions and their intellect, and to balance their need to be attached with their need to be a separate self. Bowen proposed that the best way to grow a more solid self was in the relationships that make up our original families; running away from difficult family members would only add to the challenges in managing relationship upsets.

Bowen is unusual in the field of psychiatry in that he described himself as needing to address the same self-management issues as those his patients were learning to deal with. He didn’t think that any human was close to being completely differentiated, and is reported by close colleagues to have said that only on his very best days might he appear to be in the upper to moderate range of emotional maturity.

Bowen’s theory doesn’t focus on mental illness but on the challenges of being human in the relationships which affect us all. It’s not an easy theory to grasp, as it focuses on the big-picture patterns of a system rather than the narrower view of what causes difficulties for one individual. These ideas invite us to see the world through the lens of each family member rather than just from our own subjective experience; they don’t allow room for simply seeing victims and villains in our relationship networks. Seeing the system takes people beyond blame to seeing the relationship forces that set people on their different paths. This way of seeing our life challenges avoids fault-finding and provides a unique path to maturing throughout our adult lives.

The road ahead

The chapters ahead will discuss how each stage of the adult life cycle, from leaving home to facing death, provides distinctive opportunities to work on being a bit more differentiated — to be real people in our important relationships. Each chapter contains case studies; some examples will be different to yours while others may sound as if they were written from your own life. The relationship phases explored may not yet fit your lived experience but it’s worth taking the time to read these sections as they may still be useful in shedding light on the challenges you may be facing in your current circumstance — and you can be sure that someone significant in your life is going through this life stage. The goal is to not only understand yourself in relationships but to make better sense of how others are shaped by the relationship system.

Part 1 looks at the foundations of adult maturity. What are the aspects of maturity that develop beyond childhood? You’ll learn to spot the often subtle difference between faking it and making it, in terms of genuine maturity. Then you’ll see how your family of origin influences the trajectory of maturity for you and other family members. Examples of common family patterns are described to help you understand your parents’, siblings’ and your own maturity gaps and growth possibilities.

Part 2 looks at maturity opportunities in the first half of adulthood. It begins with how the process of leaving home sets the blueprint for our maturity scripts with others. You will learn about the ‘people growing’ opportunities of being a single young adult, then a spouse in a committed relationship, managing your vulnerabilities in sex and parenting the next generation.

Part 3 looks at the formula for maturing outside our family relationships in the important context of work and in the development of your religious and philosophical beliefs. You will discover more about how you’ve taken the patterns you learnt from your original family into all other spheres of life, and how you can draw on this awareness to become a more authentic person.

Part 4 addresses how to use your growing understanding of relationship systems to wisely manage significant setbacks such as divorce and symptoms such as depression and anxiety.

Part 5 then moves back to the life cycle and explores maturity opportunities in the second half of life. You’ll learn how midlife and ageing can provide unique opportunities to clarify your principles and strengthen your personal integrity. The maturity challenges of becoming a grandparent and facing a life-threatening illness are considered with clear family systems guidelines for wisely negotiating these phases.

Part 6 looks at broadening the focus to encompass the wider community, with Chapter 16 being newly added for this second edition. It provides a guide for those who want to better help others to grow without fostering dependency. You will learn to see the difference between what of help is helpful and what to look for in finding a counselling professional. The first two sections of the chapter will show how to avoid the pitfalls of over-helping and getting caught in side-taking. Next you will see the value of asking about people’s patterns in relationships as a way of facilitating insight that enhances other’s growth.

***

The lessons, from the examples given, show that it’s never too late to do some more growing up. You’ll learn to mobilise knowledge about your relationship patterns to become a more genuine self in different contexts. The result is improving your ability to share with and listen to others and to stand firmly on the basis of your beliefs and values. The book finishes with reflections on being mature in society at large, reflecting on the profound implications for our communities if more of us were to commit to growing up through all of our adult lives.

Stepping up to the maturity challenge

It goes without saying that life itself can be a wonderful teacher in terms of growing up. With each transition come unique opportunities for experiencing ourselves in less childish ways and clarifying our principles. Every period of change brings a challenge to the previously relied upon securities. We have the opportunity to learn more about why we predictably react immaturely in certain relational situations and how we can choose to behave differently. Life stages help us appreciate how we’re never operating in an individual vacuum but always within a system of relationships. In the space between people, where anxieties flow back and forth, we can find clues as to how we relate that go well beyond explanations based on genetic make-up and temperament.

Are there any of us who don’t have some growing work to do? All of us have strengths that help build our confidence and are appreciated by those close to us. At the same time all of us have varying degrees of gaps in our ability to maintain healthy relationships and to stay responsible in the many facets of being an adult. Focusing on building our individual strengths might seem like a logical way to increase our maturity but this may miss the subtle ways in which we undermine our own and others’ growth. We don’t want our vulnerabilities to diminish our capacity to be a force for health and resilience in our relationship systems.

This book starts with the big question: are you willing to take a fresh look at your own maturity gaps, instead of declaring that another needs to ‘grow up’? This might all sound too much like hard work in your already hectic life; yet if there’s the chance that this effort can unveil a very different picture of yourself in your relationships, it might just be worth giving this journey a go.

part 1

UNDERSTANDINGthe RELATIONSHIPFOUNDATIONS ofadult maturity

1.Becoming a self in our relationships

‘People frequently are willing to be individuals only to the extent that the relationship system approves and permits it.’1

—Michael Kerr MD

‘The only person we can change and control is our own self. Changing our own self can feel so threatening and difficult that it is often easier to continue an old pattern of silent withdrawal or ineffective fighting and blaming.’2

—Harriet Lerner PhD

‘My husband doesn’t make any effort to show me he cares.’

‘I have given everything to my daughter; why can’t she get her life together?’

‘My parents never encouraged me and now I am suffering for it.’

There’s a common thread to the complaints or concerns that many people bring to a counsellor’s office. The problem is the other person and everything would be better if that person realised this. Many are often surprised to hear me say that the only change effort that I think is productive is to figure out what can be changed about ourselves. I explain that to improve a relationship, I believe we’re best served by working on understanding and making adjustments to our own reactions in relationships. In response to the idea that focusing on self is a worthwhile project, I regularly hear the question, ‘Isn’t this selfish?’ Others protest, ‘Isn’t it clear that the symptoms or irresponsible behaviour are in the other person?’

Certainly it’s easy to see that focusing on self-entitlement at the expense of others is not constructive. But consider how an effort to change another, who is beyond our control or responsibility, is counterproductive: the more we focus on what’s wrong with others, the less aware we are of what others have to deal with in relating with us.

The flip side of the coin is the person who always focuses on what’s wrong in themselves. This self-blame, a learnt response, is a reaction to an upset in another person that is then personalised. Whether it’s trying to change another or blaming ourselves for another’s predicament, our viewpoint is narrowed to putting the issue into one individual. The upset arises in our relationship reactions yet we so easily treat the problem as if it’s in the one person, and then set about trying to change them or judge them. Any kind of ‘change-and-blame dance’ can feel like it’s about making life improvements, but when you step back and look at the reality, it’s hard to see any evidence of ‘people growing’ going on.

A dose of relationship maturity for everyone

Are any of us really at the peak of maturity? In my own life and in my years of counselling practice, I haven’t yet met anyone who wouldn’t benefit from maturing a little more to improve their effectiveness and health in life. I would even go so far as to say that every problem brought to counselling could be more easily resolved if the concerned person first looked carefully at how their own instinctive reactions are getting in the way of issues being addressed effectively in connection with others. Whether it’s a relationship in strife, an addictive habit, a defiant child or a debilitating anxiety, all these situations would be helped by the presence of thoughtful adults, who expressed themselves responsibly without telling others what to do or waiting for others to fix things for them. The overriding question for growing ourselves up is: am I up for addressing the immature part I’m playing in my relationships? This question has potential to generate genuine awareness, not a pretend, inflated view of ourselves. Seeing what we need to change about our unhelpful reactions, and working on them in the world of relationships, creates positive ripple effects into the systems we’re part of. It can even ripple into future generations.

Figuring out our maturity level when under relationship pressure

The first step to growing a more mature self is to assess where you’re starting from. How real is your estimation of your own maturity? I know for myself that I can think I’m pretty grown up when things are relatively calm and in my control; but when a good dose of relationship pressure gets injected into my world, in the blink of an eye my ‘inner child’ surfaces. This inconsistency in my maturity is seen when in one context I can stand up in front of large audiences and deliver a presentation with poise and confidence, and then find myself the following weekend in the midst of a storm of extended family upset where I lose my ability to speak at all. In one setting I can contain my nervous energy to stay focused on my task; and in a different environment I can’t think for myself because I’m caught up in reactions to someone else’s upset. One minute I look and feel all grown up and then, in an instant, immaturity jumps to the fore to take centre stage.

Discovering our inner child or growing our inner adult?

Much has been written about how to rediscover our inner child. Maybe the appeal of reclaiming the child within is all about finding the innocence and vulnerability that hasn’t been tarnished by the challenges and pains of life. I can see that the playfulness and adventuresome spirit of childhood is worth staying in touch with throughout life. However, there are lots of things about being a child which don’t help us through challenges or assist us to fulfil our responsibilities in the varied aspects of life and relationships. Focusing on healing childhood hurts has been given lots of airplay but perhaps we’d be better served if our focus went into growing our inner adult consistently across all areas of our relationships.

To get a clear picture of what it is to be mature, let’s take a look at what childhood immaturity looks like. One of the hallmarks of children’s energy is the push to get their needs instantly met. The young child hasn’t learnt to tolerate waiting for, or being denied, what they want. A two-year-old expects to be instantly gratified. It’s as if they want to return to the womb, where being attached to their mother’s umbilical cord ensured that everything good was on tap. The toddler’s tantrum is always triggered by not getting their way. They insist on having what they want and having it now! The trademark of the childish tantrum is that emotions are out of control. Mum has just said no to the request for the chocolate bar on display at the supermarket checkout and the child dissolves into a catastrophic meltdown as if the world were coming to an end. The drama, the decibels and the distress are way out of proportion with the facts of what caused the upset.

The relationship language of childhood

Feelings dominate the life of the child who has not yet developed or learnt to mobilise their thinking brain to solve the problems of life’s setbacks. The child’s world revolves around finding the fastest route to getting comfortable, to being nurtured and gratified by others. Their focus is on getting what they want from others and not on what they expect of themselves in terms of reasonable behaviour. Have you noticed what the precocious child says when they are denied what they feel entitled to? They cast all their blame on the other and declare they hate that person. My father enjoyed retelling the story of my three-year-old efforts to muster the cruellest tirade I could find in my limited vocabulary, as an act of revenge. I was slighted when my dad stopped me from playing with his shaving equipment. The story goes that I looked him in the eye and said, ‘You are a dumb, dumb! You are a pooh, pooh, dumb, dumb!’ All of my childhood efforts went into finding the most potent insult to hoist on my father who had denied me my fun with razors and shaving cream.

Another aspect of childhood is doing whatever it takes to get out of unpleasant tasks. The child resorts to whinging until their carer takes over for them rather than persevering with something that doesn’t come easily, such as tying shoelaces or packing away toys. On the other hand, if the task of the moment is pleasurable, the child is reluctant to allow another onto this turf to share the fun and the spotlight. They are also appalled at the prospect of having to stop the fun activity when it’s time to move on. The child’s skills of protest or procrastination in order to prolong self-gratification are impressive.

As the child’s brain develops and they become more socially aware, their efforts go towards fitting in and being part of the group. The fastest route to comfort moves on from having the toy they want to being part of the fun group. Energy goes into being noticed by others and being somebody’s best friend, which is of course a very fickle exercise. The older child is easily led by others and changes their tastes frequently in order to be part of the group.

Learning from the child to understand growing up

These characteristics of childhood describe all of us at various times in our lives. Perhaps they embarrassingly describe how we behaved just the other day. It’s not just children who let their feelings rule their behaviour and struggle to tolerate delaying their wants. Indeed, adolescents are well known to specialise in many of these childhood tendencies. The self-gratifying, impulsive aspects of childhood are surely not things we want to rediscover and nurture. If we truthfully examine these emotionally driven behaviours we can see that they don’t really serve us or those we care about well at all. They might relieve our stress in the short term but don’t help us to have the kind of relationships we aspire to.

Having reflected on ways the child responds to discomfort, it’s clear that growing up requires a move away from these early life reactions. Childlike impulsiveness for us adults reflects the challenge to contain our emotional reactions and bring them under the guidance of our thinking brains. A key distinguishing factor of being an adult in relationships is having the capacity to see that it’s not all about you! We are part of a bigger picture of interconnections between people, where our reactions can either enhance or quash the growing-up space of others.

Attributes of being a mature self in relationships

See what you think of the following checklist in terms of providing a clear picture of what is required to move beyond childhood and to bring the best of your adult self to your relationships.

1.Have your feelings without letting them dominate; tolerate delayed gratification

Mobilising our inner adult means learning how to turn down the intensity of emotional reactions. Instead of letting feelings and impulses dominate, as in the childhood tantrum, we use our adult developed brain to turn down exaggerated feelings so that some logical thinking can occur.

In contrast to the child, the mature adult is recognised by their ability to delay gratification and tolerate hard work, discipline and at times unpleasantness, in order to fulfil responsibilities and achieve goals. A mature adult does not expect others to meet their needs and knows that they should not always expect to be gratified.

2.Work on inner guidelines; refrain from blaming

Discovering our inner adult means finding out what our guiding values and principles are in order to stay clear about how to manage ourselves during demanding times.

The mature person is able to refrain from the childish impulse to blame others when things don’t go well. Instead they have learnt to look at themselves first to see what part they have played in the difficulty and what’s within their control in order to bring something constructive to the situation. The inner adult refrains from finding fault with another but rather considers how they have contributed to the upset they are in.

3.Accept people with different views; keep connected

Unlike the child who is declaring their rejection of the one who has said no to them, the mature adult is able to stay connected with people who have disagreed or not cooperated with them. Rather than shut off, retaliate or distance themselves from those who have upset them, the grown-up is able to stay in communication with others in the face of disagreements.

4.Be responsible for solving your own problems

Another contrast to the child’s way of operating is that the mature adult does not expect others to solve their problems or step in to take over when tasks are demanding. Maturity is illustrated by not inviting others to take over our own responsibilities or insecurities. It also means not jumping in to do this for others when we see them struggling. Learning how not to do for others what they can learn to do for themselves is one of the golden rules of adult maturity. This rule is crucial if we don’t want to become a hindrance to others reaching their grown-up potential. Even when we have skills that allow us to do a more efficient job than another, it’s far from a caring act to take over and crowd another’s space, quashing their ability to find their own way through their tasks. The person who jumps in to rescue others is usually covering over their own insecurities at another’s expense. They enjoy feeling the pride of accomplishment beyond their own responsibility while the other is left feeling dependent on them.

5.Hold onto your principles

In relationship to others, the grown-up does not need to be a chameleon who finds comfort by fitting in with the group. They are able to hold their course based on what they believe is right, even when there’s pressure to change back to old ways of accommodating and maintaining the status quo.

6.See the bigger picture of reactions and counter-reactions

For the upset child it is all about ‘me’ — the world is expected to grind to a halt in order to respond to the discomfort in the one individual. The adult can learn to see how their point of view might be very different from others who are relating with them. They can look beyond their own upsets to see how they affect others in the flow of impulses that are a part of human relationships. Rather than shouting ‘What about me!’ the mature adult is thoughtful in reflecting on ‘How are we all impacting each other?’

***

What do you think of these characteristics of a truly mature person? Does any of this sound easy? Can you think of the last time your reactions to a stressful situation fell short of these standards of maturity? To what extent do you find it possible to maintain the characteristics of the inner adult who:

» keeps their emotions in line with their values;

» stays on task even when experiencing discomfort;

» improves themself without blaming others;

» stays in contact with those who are upset with them;

» doesn’t expect to be rescued by others and refrains from taking over for others;

» resists the forces to fit in with the group ethos when it contradicts their values;

» sees beyond self to patterns of reactions each person is part of?

Most of us can get some of these things right when we’re in our comfort zones. The problem emerges when stress levels increase and we revert to parts of our inner child in seeking the fastest path to our own ease. I recall the stress of feeling like a stranger at university and how this increased my tendency to go along with the popular group in order to fit in. I quickly changed my political views to fit the majority in my classes and I was vague about my religious views with those I sensed would disapprove. Under the pressure of adjusting to university life in my late teens, my immaturities came to the fore.

The biology of growing up

Isn’t growing up just a natural occurrence? But wait one minute! Before thinking any further about attaining relational maturity it’s worth asking the question: isn’t growing up inevitable as we age and gain more experience? Indeed, it’s the case that much of our growing up just happens of its own biological accord. Without any effort or initiative our bodies and minds grow in size and complexity and then inevitably, as the years progress, they start to degenerate. We don’t choose for this to happen and can’t halt its progress in spite of a huge industry that promises to delay the ageing process.

Many of the childhood behaviours already described can be understood in terms of brain development. Here is a simplified crash course in developmental neuroscience. Young children make decisions from part of the brain called the amygdala, which is primarily the emotional centre of the brain. This means that actions are determined strongly from emotional impulses, and gradually as a child grows they are able to draw more from the prefrontal cortex, which enables reasoning. Teenagers are known to have only part of this prefrontal dominance developed, which means they can draw from their reasoning when things are calm but can easily get flooded with emotional responses when there are multiple stimuli and stress is high.

While the brain increases its capacity for complex decision-making as a person enters their twenties, experience tells us there is no guarantee that adults will always be able to make wise decisions, especially during times of stress. Each day in the marketplace, on the roads and in social groups, we notice there’s a huge variance in people’s ability to maintain clear thinking when aroused by some kind of aggravation. One of the challenges to our growing up is that our lower brain (the amygdala) has stronger connections to our upper thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) than is the case in the reverse direction. This means it’s easier for us to let our emotions rule our thinking; and it takes a more concerted effort for us to gain conscious control over our anxious reactions. It takes practice to shift the ‘bottom up’ emotional tendency of our brain to more of a ‘top down’ thoughtful brain. The good news from neuroscience is that the brain is not fixed in its capacities when adulthood begins; it’s far more flexible than previously thought, with an extraordinary capacity to build new strengths and repair itself. A variety of relationship experiences gives the brain an expanded capacity to cope with social challenges. This creates a compelling imperative to be proactive in growing our brains. Far from being set in stone by the time childhood ends, our neurological pathways are responsive to our choices about how we manage our stress responses and how we handle a range of different relationships.

Growing up relationally

While much physical growing doesn’t require effort, growing emotionally in the area of relationships is a very different process. Have you witnessed young people who demonstrate wisdom beyond their years? They’re able to say what they think even when the pressure to fit in with the group is high. Have you also observed some adults, with decades of life experience, who appear to behave as reactively as a two-year-old having a tantrum? Their innate emotions dominate their thinking and they inject such a charge of anxiety into situations that it’s hard to see the facts of what’s going on. My experience of life tells me that there are times when I can behave in quite mature ways, rising to the occasion and demonstrating impressive clarity and speed of thinking, even in the midst of a crisis. Then at other times I disappoint myself, and others, by behaving impulsively. I’m the same individual in each situation but the relationship conditions are always changing and impacting my degree of maturity.

We can all see that even though an elderly person may have lots of life experience wisdom to draw from, this doesn’t guarantee their maturity. Many older people carry throughout their lives the same inner-child impulses they left home with. This book aims to shed light on this puzzle of why growing up in relationships can be so erratic and challenging. It will also tackle the question: what can we do to lend a hand to our biology in becoming more mature adults?

Relationships, the best laboratory for growing up

If we’re to lift our maturity levels from what we had when we left our family homes, a conscious, persistent effort is required. The very best place to work on growing that inner adult, rather than pandering to that entitled inner child, is in our significant relationships. Where else do we get such good practise at using the characteristics of the inner adult than in relating to important people in our lives? Do you recall the last big family event you attended? There are few better contexts in which to find opportunities to practice keeping our exaggerated reactions in check than the gathering of relatives celebrating a significant ritual.