How to Persuade and Influence People E-Book

Philip Hesketh

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 462

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

Wouldn't it be great if you could always get people to see things your way? Now you can.

You won't go far in business if you can't bring people round to your way of thinking. Some people find it easy; the rest of us just need a little help. How to Persuade and Influence People reveals some of the most powerful influencing and persuasion techniques known to man. This enhanced second edition contains new tools, new research, new case studies and plenty of practical exercises to help you:

• Find the perfect way to win people over
• Become an amazing negotiator
• Overcome objections
• Appreciate and understand the other person's standpoint
• Understand why people buy what they buy
• Ensure people remember you and what you want
• Build long-term trust and credibility

Philip Hesketh is a full-time international business speaker on the psychology of persuasion. Thousands of people have benefited from his advice. In this book, he maps out countless simple and memorable persuasion techniques that can be applied to a whole range of life's challenges. It's up to you to use them.

How to Persuade and Influence People is a completely revised and updated edition of Life's a Game So Fix The Odds.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Copyright Page

PREFACE

PART 1 - THE STARTING POINT-PEOPLE, BELIEFS AND RELATIONSHIPS

Chapter 1 - DARING TO BEGIN

HOPE

DARE TO BEGIN

Chapter 2 - THE ROLE OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS IN INFLUENCE

BELIEFS

UNDERSTANDING WHAT PEOPLE THINK

HORSE AND RIDER

Chapter 3 - HOW TO BE MORE LIKED BY MORE PEOPLE (AND AS A RESULT BECOME MORE ...

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

NON-VERBAL SIGNALS

EYE MOVEMENTS

MIRRORING

IMPROVING THE IMPRESSION YOU MAKE

CHOOSE WHO YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO

Chapter 4 - HOW TO REMEMBER PEOPLE’S NAMES

Chapter 5 - HOW TO DEVELOP GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

THE THREE PARTS TO EVERY CONVERSATION

MOVE INTO THE INNER CIRCLE BUT DON’T GET TOO NEAR THE VIOLINS

THE TISSUE PAPER THEORY

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

SAYING THE RIGHT THINGS AND ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

THE TOP THREE THINGS TO START SAYING

THE TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK

PART 2 - PERSUASION AND INFLUENCE

Chapter 6 - THE FIVE KEYS TO PERSUASION AND INFLUENCE

1. PEOPLE DON’T CARE HOW MUCH YOU KNOW UNTIL THEY KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE

2 ESTABLISH THE OTHER PERSON’S EMOTIONAL NEEDS

3 THE ESSENCE OF PERSUADING IS TO MAKE IT EASY FOR PEOPLE TO BUY

4 SELL VALUE AND NOT PRICE

5 MANAGE THEIR EXPECTATIONS

THE IMPORTANCE OF SAYING ‘NO’

Chapter 7 - HOW TO CREATE GENUINE EMPATHY

N IS FOR NEED

Chapter 8 - ASKING QUESTIONS AND ACCEPTING THE ANSWERS

A IS FOR ASK AND ACCEPT

THE FLAW IN THE NAIL

Chapter 9 - UNDERSTANDING IMPLICATIONS AND INFLUENCE

I IS FOR IMPLICATIONS AND INFLUENCE

Chapter 10 - THINKING LONG TERM AND GETTING YOUR OWN WAY

L IS FOR LONG TERM

OPPORTUNITIES TO INTERACT

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

Chapter 11 - THE IMPORTANCE OF PREPARATION IN INFLUENCING

BE PREPARED

Chapter 12 - DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

PART 3 - OVERCOMING OBJECTIONS AND NEGOTIATION

Chapter 13 - TECHNIQUES TO HANDLE ALL OBJECTIONS

OBJECTION MANAGEMENT

EXPECTATION AND THE ‘PYGMALION FACTOR’

FEEL, FELT, FOUND

Chapter 14 - THE FIRST FOUR STEPS TO NEGOTIATION

N IS FOR NEVER PUT A MARKER DOWN FIRST

E IS FOR EMPATHY

A IS FOR ASK ABOUT THEIR INTERESTS

T IS FOR THINK:‘THE OTHER PARTY NEEDS TO THINK THEY’VE DONE WELL’

IS THAT YOUR BEST PRICE?

Chapter 15 - THE FINAL FOUR STEPS TO NEGOTIATION

N IS FOR NEUTRALIZE YOUR BODY

E IS FOR EQUATE EVERYTHING IN THE DEAL

A IS FOR AGREE ONLY WITH A STRUGGLE

T IS FOR TIE UP ALL THE DETAILS

Chapter 16 - GETTING PEOPLE TO DO WHAT THEY HAVE AGREED TO DO

WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME?

CLOSING

WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING WITH THAT?

LOYALTY AND ONGOING COMMITMENT

PART 4 - THE REASONS PEOPLE BUY WHAT THEY BUY

Chapter 17 - THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND WHY PEOPLE BUY WHAT THEY BUY

BUYERS IN THE CIRCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

MOTIVATION

Chapter 18 - RARITY

EXCLUSIVITY

USING RARITY TO YOUR ADVANTAGE

LESSONS ON RARITY

Chapter 19 - EMPATHY AND EGO

LESSONS ON EMPATHY

Chapter 20 - AUTHORITY

LESSONS ON AUTHORITY

Chapter 21 - SPECIAL DEAL

LESSONS ON SPECIAL DEAL

Chapter 22 - OBLIGATION

LESSONS ON OBLIGATION

Chapter 23 - NERVOUSNESS

LESSONS FOR NERVOUSNESS

Chapter 24 - SOCIAL PRESSURE

THE DOWNSIDE OF SOCIAL PRESSURE

Chapter 25 - HOW PEOPLE CHOOSE

INFLUENCING HOW PEOPLE CHOOSE

ELIMINATING CHOICES

Chapter 26 - PUTTING THE REASONS TOGETHER

THE REASONS FOR LIFE

PART 5 - HOW MEMORY, LEARNING AND COMMUNICATION WORK

Chapter 27 - HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU HAVE SAID

EMOTIONAL APPEAL

Chapter 28 - HOW LEARNING WORKS AND WHY POWERPOINT DOESN’T

POWERPOINT

Chapter 29 - HOW TO BE A MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATOR

BEING MEMORABLE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS

PART 6 - TRUST, MOTIVATION AND WHAT YOU NEED TO DO NEXT

Chapter 30 - THE SEVEN THINGS THAT REALLY MATTER IN RELATIONSHIPS OR, THE SEVEN ...

THE INEVITABILITY OF CHANGE

CAN YOU TREAT PEOPLE BADLY WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES?

TWO MYTHS

Chapter 31 - HOW TO BUILD TRUST THAT LASTS A LIFETIME

FEEDBACK: THE KEY TO DEVELOPING INTELLECTUAL TRUST

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW

HOW LEADERS EMERGE

BUILDING A LIFETIME OF TRUST

Chapter 32 - MOTIVATION

REWARDS

OTHER MOTIVATORS

PEOPLE ARE MOTIVATED TO DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO

Chapter 33 - SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO AND DO WHAT YOU SAY

THE FLOW CHANNEL

FLOURISHING IN THE FLOW

ACHIEVING MORE

DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT ALL

Chapter 34 - INFLUENCE, PERSUASION AND THE PURPOSE OF LIFE

GO FOR THE EXPERIENCE

BALANCING UNCERTAINTY

CHANGING THE WEATHER IN FEBRUARY

MAKING THE EFFORT

THE END OF THE BEGINNING

APPENDIX: PHILIP’S PURPOSE

PHILIP’S DESIDERATA

ABOUT PHILIP HESKETH

PRAISE FOR PHILIP HESKETH AND HIS BOOKS:

‘It does exactly what it says on the cover. It’s a great book that will show you how to be more persuasive and influential. So if you want to be more persuasive and influential... read it.’

Ged Shields, Vice President of Marketing, Ronseal

‘The Government would do well to appoint someone to teach us all how persuasion and influence work. I believe it’s one of the key skills for everyone who wants to get on in life or business to learn. I’d give the job without hesitation, or even an interview, to Phil Hesketh. This book is the definitive guide to being more persuasive and influential.’

Steve McDermott, author of the bestsellingHow to Be a Complete and Utter Failure in Life,Work and Everythingand winner of the EuropeanBusiness Speaker of the Year award

‘Superb content coupled with excellent delivery means there is something for everyone. An incredibly valuable book’

Chris Norman, Managing Director, Johnson & Johnson (DePuy UK/Ireland)

‘If you only read one book on how to be more persuasive and influential - this is it. A modern classic.’

Paul McGee, The Sumo Guy, author of the bestsellingS.U.M.O. (Shut Up, Move On)

‘One of the best books I have ever read. Truly inspirational. ’

David Ireland, Squadron Leader, Ministry of Defence

‘I have no hesitation in linking specific and significant improvements in sales results to Philip’s advice.’

Jaimie Brown, Marketing Manager, PfizerAnimal Health, New York

‘I never thought it was possible to learn and laugh out loud at the same time until I heard Philip Hesketh. The man’s a star’

Kevin Skym, Head of Commercial Banking, HSBC

‘The Peter Kay of the business world’

Jim Jones, Principal Leisure Development Officer,Conwy County Borough Council

This edition first published 2010

© 2010 Philip Hesketh

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Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

9780857080424

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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Padstow, United Kingdom

PREFACE

I t’s often said that nothing under the sun is really new. There are just new twists on existing themes. So when I set out to write a book on persuasion—a subject that’s been around ever since early caveman first encouraged his fellow cave dwellers to see things his way with the aid of a big club—I admit to being a little apprehensive. At one point I even considered the idea of setting up a ‘Plagiarism Advice Bureau’ to counter any criticism. But then I guess somebody has already done that too. The bottom line is that you just don’t know if someone has had the same idea as you.

The first version of this book was called Life’s a Game So Fix the Odds. I was happy with it in 2005 and it has sold well throughout the world. But five years on and with so many rich and various experiences as a professional speaker on the psychology of persuasion and influence—plus all the research I had both done and come across over that period—it seemed right to revisit, rewrite and retitle the book.

Like everyone else I learn from other people. I read books, commission research, read other people’s research, and present workshops and seminars from Ashton to Adelaide, from Dewsbury to Dubai. And from Pwllheli to Philadelphia.

I possibly observe what is going on around me more keenly than most: I study other people’s reactions to situations with great assiduity. And after five years I felt that my book could be improved.

I think it is the better for it.

I hope you agree.

Philip Hesketh, 2010

PART 1

THE STARTING POINT-PEOPLE, BELIEFS AND RELATIONSHIPS

1

DARING TO BEGIN

In successful relationships, people never stand still. They’re always moving forward and evolving to make their relationship even more successful. Happy and successful people continually work on their skills and their ability to be more persuasive and influential. So when you are going through a change in your life, you always need to counteract the uncertainty that generates with hope that things will get better. And the greater the degree of hope, the more positive vibes you give off to those around you and the greater the chance of a positive outcome and long-term success.

Research among businesses going through change reveals that employees who are hopeful of providing worthwhile solutions are much more likely to produce positive results. Why? Because people with hope enjoy themselves more and are a great deal more productive.

You no doubt want others to say ‘yes’ to you more often. You would like to get your own way most of the time. You want to be more persuasive and influential, so people will do what you want them to do. That’s what this book is about.

It teaches you specific techniques that allow you to become more influential and persuasive. Techniques that enable you to get your own way more often, whether you are in business—hoping to find ways of convincing colleagues and potential clients—or looking for ways to improve your relationships.

I also explore the difference between persuasion and influence. Persuasion is often something we ‘do’ to people—and most people don’t want to be persuaded. Have you ever gone home after a day ’s shopping and said to whoever you live with, ‘Guess what someone sold me today?’

I didn’t think so. If you said to a friend ‘I’ve been persuaded to do this’, you almost certainly didn’t feel good about it. Because persuasion is something we do to people. And influence is something that we have.

HOPE

So it is with hope that I start to write this book. It is a Tuesday evening in England. It’s cold, dark and miserable. In fact, it’s snowing.

But not for me.

For me it’s a Wednesday morning and I’m sitting overlooking the bay in Russell, Bay of Islands, New Zealand. It’s a lovely summer’s day with just a little cloud. An early morning walker ambles by; the ducks float happily and the world is at one.

For me it is an epiphanic moment.

My story is of a lifetime of studying persuasion, influence, communication and relationships. I have been fascinated by how and why we do what we do. Though one is never sure, I think that the process of study began when a neighbour of my parents in Ashton-under-Lyne gave me a copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. It was then, at the age of about 16, that I decided to live my life with the principles of that book in mind. Many years later, in my first year as a professional speaker on the psychology of persuasion, I vowed not to write a book until I could write one that was better than the book I had read all those years before. Carnegie’s book rightly remains a classic. You are the better for reading it.

But I had also set myself a number of goals in deciding to become a professional speaker. First, I wanted to become the best and most sought-after speaker on the planet, bar none. Secondly, I wanted to become a Professor at Harvard and speak at the likes of Oxford, Cambridge and Yale universities. Thirdly, I wanted to write a bestselling book, and fourthly, I wanted to change the weather in February. If you’ve ever visited the north of England you’ll understand why. And finally, I set a goal for my son Daniel and I: one day to play live, together, on stage with the great Ralph McTell. That ’s my dream. Naturally, it doesn’t figure highly on Ralph’s list of goals, but remember what this book is all about: learning how to persuade and influence other people to do what you want them to do. Look out, Ralph.

And so I sit in the Bay of Islands in the North Island of New Zealand, having achieved one of my goals. I have changed the weather in February. For me, at least.

This book is not just about understanding how the process of influence works and making yourself happier, it’s also about challenging yourself to establish what your goals are. It is about you deciding on your own equivalent of hope, of changing the weather in February, and how to achieve it.

For you.

Life is a game and this book helps you to improve the odds.

DARE TO BEGIN

But I said that I wouldn’t write a book until I could write a better one than Dale Carnegie’s classic. So why now? Will it be better? I don’t know. But I do know that there may never be a better time than this one to start.

So I’m taking my own advice and daring to begin. I don’t want to work in a biscuit factory again, but I’m glad I did. Two night shifts at Hills was more than enough for me.

Instead, I want to go to Kansas City and see if everything is up to date there. I want to go to Alexandria and have an ice-cold beer. I want to go to Nashville and play the guitar. They’re not so keen, obviously, but it’s what I want. I want to drive down Route 66 to see if I can get my kicks there. I want to stand on the corner in Winslow, Arizona and see if it is such a fine sight to see. I want to meet a Wichita lineman. At some point in my life, I want to actually be 24 hours from Tulsa. I want to sail on Kon-Tiki. I want to fly with eagles and swim with dolphins. I want to go for it all or die trying.

The first step in achieving your goals is to believe that you can. But you also need the courage to recognize that sometimes you are simply not physically or mentally able to fulfil a dream; so you do what you can and move on. Remember, life and happiness are about the journey and not the destination. In my previous life as an ad man for 25 years, I as often asked the question, ‘How do I become a director?’ My answer was always, ‘Start behaving like one now.’

So I begin this book because I can. Because I can’t think of a better time to start than when it’s dark and snowing in England in February and I’m overlooking the bay in Russell, having just finished breakfast.

However, before I start on persuasion and influence, an apology.

I am of the view that there is no need to use swear words. The English language is rich and deep and there are many words you can use when you feel that something is nonsense, whether it’s an idea, a belief or a point of view. You disagree, you think it’s wrong, very wrong. In fact, you think it’s rubbish. You get my drift?

Well, despite my best efforts, I can’t find a word that effectively conveys what my dad would call ‘absolute balderdash’. So I invented a word: ‘horrocks’. It means that I think a theory or view is horribly wrong. I’m afraid, dear reader, I use it 12 times in this book, including this one here.

Bear with me.

Just as studies have shown that people who score high on hope cope better with disease, illness and pain, so I find that because I expect people to say yes to me—to do what I want them to do—it happens more often than if I assume I am going to fail.

And so I ask you to read this book with hope.

I will not only share with you techniques to improve your ability to persuade and influence, improve your reputation and get your own way more often, I will also give you the secrets to happiness and the purpose of life.

Time to begin.

2

THE ROLE OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS IN INFLUENCE

In the decades-long battle of the colas, Coke continues to outsell Pepsi. Not because it costs less or tastes nicer, but because we, the consumer, just think that it’s better. Let me explain.

Back in the early 1980s, a series of taste tests found that most people actually preferred the taste of Pepsi over Coke. Provided, that is, they were blindfolded during the challenge and couldn’t see which one they were drinking. However, run the challenge without the blindfolds and the results were almost always reversed. Coca Cola—or Coke as it is universally known—proved itself time again to be the real thing. But why?

Well, years later, Reed Montague and his team at the Neuro-imaging Laboratory in Houston came up with an answer. His researchers discovered that the ventral putamen—one of the brain’s reward centres—behaved differently when people used only taste information than when they also had brand identification.

So brainwashed are you by years of advertising telling you that Coke is better, that when you see a can and take a swig your ventral putamen thinks ‘bingo’. My words, not Montague’s.

Technically speaking, this area of the brain is hijacked and the neuron connections go straight to your dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, which is the area concerned with opinions. So your brain is telling you that you love the taste even though your taste buds may be screaming for you to gag.

Therefore, the first thing you should know about your preference for Coke or Pepsi is that you don’t really know what you are doing, so deep in your brain is the belief about certain brands. That explains why it’s such a hard job not only to get people to change their mind about brands regardless of how good the product might be, but also to get people to change their mind on anything. The stronger someone feels about something, the more difficult it is for them to change their view. You might well have that frustration yourself.

But the second thing you should know about Coke is who really won the cola war. Not the customer, for a start. If you go to any bar and ask for Coca-Cola you will often get the reply, ‘Will Pepsi be OK?’ That’s because bars that sell Pepsi don’t sell Coke, and vice versa. Maybe these establishments would gain a marketing advantage if they were able to offer both.

Incidentally, if you were Coca-Cola and you knew that people liked your brand but preferred the taste of Pepsi, what would you do to strengthen your market position? Of course, you would bring out New Coke, which tasted more like Pepsi. This is exactly what the company did, with disastrous consequences. It just goes to show that you can’t fool all the people all the time.

BELIEFS

Along with five partners, I set up an advertising agency in 1986 called Advertising Principles. In the ensuing years we handled some major brands. The focus of the agency was to convince people to buy those clients’ brands. My personal focus was on getting new business for the agency. And what always fascinated me more than anything was how brands worked. That is to say, how consumers have beliefs about brands; and indeed, in some cases, blind faith in a brand. We used to do the ‘625 Test’—which I’ll explain later—for a beer brand, which illustrated what Dr Montague also found: that people believe in brands (i.e. an idea) and continue to believe in them, despite being faced with subsequent, overwhelming evidence that contradicts their belief. It’s a bit like believing in Father Christmas when you are little.

I loved Father Christmas. I truly believed he existed and loved me. I’d seen him. My parents, friends, aunts and uncles all told me he was real and I trusted them to tell me the truth. And what better evidence was there than on the morning of December 25th? ‘He’s been!’ The thing is—I don’t want to ruin it for you here—but it wasn’t true, was it? It was just a belief. Many people have beliefs that aren’t true. People believe not only in their chosen brands but also in their chosen opinions. Or sometimes the opinion that was given to them by their mother, father, favourite uncle, or even old boss who promised, ‘If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.’ They—and you—have all sorts of beliefs and if you’re going to become more persuasive as a result of reading this book, we need to start here.

With beliefs. In particular, the beliefs of the people you want to persuade. Because it doesn’t matter whether the beliefs are true or not. People have beliefs, and they are held in the subconscious.

15 years after setting up Advertising Principles, I enrolled on a course at Harvard Business School. That had been one of my goals since I visited the place on holiday some years before. After all, if I was to be a professor at Harvard, I needed to study there as a starting point. You’ll remember that I also set myself the goals of playing live with Ralph McTell, being the best professional speaker on the planet, going to New Zealand and, of course, changing the weather in February. One of my partners at Advertising Principles, Bernie May, came with me. The lecture I most remember was when Professor Gerald Zaltman was speaking on the subject of the subconscious.

‘95% of our thoughts are subconscious,’ he said.

‘Wow!’ I thought. That means 95% of our thoughts are not within our control! Frankly, I doubted him. I thought he’d made it up. So I put my hand up and asked the question, ‘How do we know it’s 95%, Professor Zaltman? Why that figure?’

He paused. ‘Do you mean beyond the fact that I, a professor at Harvard, who have written 14 books on the subject, am a past President of the Association for Consumer Research, have an AB from Bates College, an MBA from the University of Chicago, a PhD from the John Hopkins University and am widely regarded as the world’s leading authority on the subconscious, say so?’

Oh dear. You know those times when you’ve put one foot in and there’s no getting it out again? You have foolishly said something that if you’d thought about it a little more you would never, ever say? He basically changed the lecture and told us about the subconscious. The point was that what people say they do isn’t necessarily what they actually do.

UNDERSTANDING WHAT PEOPLE THINK

I sat in, or listened to, dozens and dozens of focus groups when I worked in advertising and I drew three conclusions. First, most people, most of the time, don’t know why they do what they do. Secondly, they don’t really know why they buy what they buy. And thirdly, people lie; not always consciously, either. People interpret events in different ways. How they see things is not how you see things.

For instance, people may say what they think the researcher wants them to say, or what will impress others. People often struggle to understand themselves and why they’ve done what they have. Even ‘accompanied shops’—when a shopper is escorted by a researcher, who prompts them and asks them why they’re choosing one brand over another—have enormous flaws from a research point of view. And, on top of all that, most people don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing anyway!

Take personal care and beauty products such as perfumes and cosmetics. They invoke deep thoughts and feelings about what Professor Zaltman calls ‘social bonding’. How someone grips a product in their hand tells you more about how they really feel about it than what they say. What is communicated through body language is far more believable than words and tone of voice. My wife often doesn’t need to say anything to communicate. Words don’t even reach 1%: she can do whole paragraphs with a single glance.

Nevertheless, I believe that Professor Albert Mehrabian’s 1960s studies, which concluded that 55% of communication is through body language, 38% is tone of voice and 7% is the actual words spoken, are horrocks. Or rather, the way they’ve been interpreted make them so.

His research is out of date—The Beatles were releasing Sgt Pepper’s and Sandie Shaw had just won the Eurovision Song Contest with ‘Puppet on a String’ when he published his results in May 1967—and was based on his own students simply saying nine different words. However, we remember it because we understand that body language—what we give away by how we act and react—can be revealing.

Yet in reality, body language and tone count for little when we are in rapt attention and learning something very new, very relevant and of high interest. When you are trying to persuade someone, particularly of something quite radical, they will always see and perceive it in terms of their personal frame of reference. And if you don’t understand—or at least begin to appreciate—their frame of reference, you will struggle to get your message across.

Remember that famous Institute of Directors’ dinner in 1991, when jeweller Gerald Ratner said, ‘People ask me how can we afford to sell this stuff so cheap and I say because it’s absolute crap’? He couldn’t have known what kind of frame of reference he was setting up for his audience. Hidden deep within the subconscious mind of anyone who heard or read about that statement is a frame of reference that Ratner equals crap. It’s probably in the same ‘box’ as Roy Keane equals prawn sandwiches and Brentfords equals nylons, and some people’s deep-seated beliefs from their childhood that God is a Catholic and therefore anyone who is not a Catholic will not be able to enter Heaven; or at the very least, they won’t get a good seat.

Nevertheless, the fact is that we all have subconscious beliefs and it doesn’t matter whether or not they are true. If we believe something, we look for evidence to support our belief—and we usually find it.

So persuasion is not just about turning features into benefits, but about understanding as much as we can about how the person we are trying to persuade thinks.

I was in town recently in a menswear store. The owner of the shop asked me if I wanted any help. ‘No thanks,’ I said, ‘I’m just browsing.’ As I was doing just that, another guy came in with his ‘significant other’. They were smartly dressed and as they walked into the shop the owner again said, ‘Can I help you?’ The man smiled and said, in a very polite way, ‘I’m looking for a BOSS suit. I like the brand BOSS. Do you sell BOSS?’

The shop didn’t sell BOSS. So what would you do if you were the guy who owns it? Let me give you three options:

1. Tell the customer that you don’t sell BOSS but you know where he could find it.

2. Say that you agree that BOSS is a fine brand, that you can understand why he likes it and although you don’t sell it yourself, you have something similar.

3. Say that you agree that BOSS is a fine brand and ask him what in particular he likes about it so that you have the best chance of matching his need to something you do have in the shop.

Clearly option 1 is helpful, but you have little or no chance of making a sale. And you are reading this book, I hope, because you want to influence people to buy what you sell. Option 2 is a much better answer but you’re still guessing. Option 3 is clearly the best. People like people who respect their opinions.

Incidentally, shall I tell you what the shop owner actually did? He said, ‘We all like BOSS sir, but can you afford their prices?’ The guy looked him straight in the eye and replied, ‘Yes I can.’ And promptly walked out of the shop!

You can’t insult people and hope to persuade them. One can only guess how many people the customer told that story to over the following weeks—people who were potential customers for a friendly menswear store that relies on personal recommendation! Will he ever go back to a shop that questions his ability to buy a particular brand?

The point is that the potential buyer had a belief. His belief was—and almost certainly still is—that BOSS is an excellent brand and it’s the brand for him. The belief is a deep-rooted one and it’s also an emotional one. He likes people who also like BOSS because people like people who a) are like them, b) like what they like and c) have similar beliefs.

The lesson of this whole book—if you want to skip the rest of the chapters and find the ‘key’, the ‘nugget’, the ‘kernel’—is this: listen with rapt attention and understand that people have different opinions to you before you speak. The starting point for persuasion is to accept that the other person’s belief system may be quite different to yours. And if you are going to persuade them to do what you want them to do, you need to find out more about their beliefs and views. You need to know what they believe in. You need to know what motivates them.

HORSE AND RIDER

I want you to imagine that the person you’re trying to persuade is riding a horse. The horse is 95% of the whole and the person is the other 5%. The horse is the subconscious mind and the rider is the conscious mind. If you are to persuade the person to change their opinion and buy into your idea, it’s like asking them to change the direction and speed of the horse. And, get this, the person you are trying to persuade is not in control of their horse!

Makes it a bit tricky now, doesn’t it? But that is what persuasion is all about.

It’s about understanding how your horse—your subconscious —gives away what you are thinking to the other person. It’s about seeing how the other person’s horse reacts. It is also about understanding that you have to persuade the other person’s horse.

It is the subconscious, or the ‘cognitive unconscious’, that explains why decisions are emotional.

People buy emotionally and justify logically. Indeed, all decisions are made emotionally. The justification can be terribly logical, but the decision to buy is emotional. The post-purchase justification process is what psychology terms ‘cognitive dissonance’. Logic is the language of and for the conscious mind. Emotion is the language of and for the subconscious mind.

The banking and credit industry would be structured very, very differently if we only bought logically. If no one needed ‘retail therapy’. If we only bought what we could afford. If we only bought what we needed and not what we wanted.

I love the whole concept of placebos. Who’s kidding whom here? You are told a particular prescription will be good for you (and your horse believes it) and, hey presto, so often the ‘miracle drug’, which is just a sugar pill, actually improves your physical condition. You just trained your horse by tricking it into believing that you will get better.

When I was a Boy Scout we used to go on camping holidays. The Scout Leader was Alan Fish. Alan hadn’t done a degree in psychology, but he knew a thing or two about small boys. He bought dozens of aspirins and put them into 10 different small boxes. He carefully labelled the boxes according to different parts of the body. There were ‘knee pills’, ‘headache pills’, ‘back pills’ and so on.

If a boy had an injury, cut or bruise, Alan would painstakingly go through all the boxes to make sure he selected the right pill: the ‘specialist’ pill for the ailment. And it appeased every one of us. There was a bit of a to-do when a lad fell on his coccyx, but apart from that the scheme worked quite well.

It was my introduction to psychology.

People say, ‘I’ve tried to give up smoking but I can’t.’ When you keep saying that, who’s the person who hears you the most?

You! And your horse holds the belief that you can’t give up smoking. Ever.

People often say to me, ‘I wish I could lose weight.’ I tell them I have a five-second talk that, if they follow the instructions in it, will guarantee they will not only lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle but be happier too. So if you want to lose weight, live a healthier lifestyle, be happier with your own body and be happier too, here’s the secret:

• Eat less

• Eat better

• Exercise more

• Take personal responsibility to do those three things

I’m fascinated by how my own subconscious works. If I need to wake up early to catch a plane or a train, I always wake up early. I have trained my horse to do so without any effort!

I’m also fascinated by persuasion and influence and how they work—which is what this book is all about.

3

HOW TO BE MORE LIKED BY MORE PEOPLE (AND AS A RESULT BECOME MORE PERSUASIVE AND INFLUENTIAL)

When I was at school in Ashton, I used to work in a bakery on Saturdays. Not only did I earn a day’s pay and still finish in time to play football in the afternoon, I also got to drive a big van. I would drive around from market to market delivering bread, buns, cakes and what my mother endearingly referred to as ‘fancies’. We started promptly at 6 a.m. and I would leave home to walk to the bakery at half-past five. It fascinated me that everyone I saw said ‘hello’ to each other. At that early hour there were only a few souls about and there was always an acknowledgement. By seven o’clock or so the effect ended, simply because there were more people about.

It’s similar now whenever I’m running (my sons call it jogging, but I like to refer to it as running)—there’s always a nod of the head from other runners. An acknowledgement, because we’re doing the same thing. And when I took my sons to university, the other dads and I acknowledged each other as we carried the music systems and books and other accoutrements of student life into their halls of residence. Not only were we doing the same thing, we tended to be dressed alike too, what I call the Tony Blair School of Casual Wear for the Over-40s: chinos, deck shoes and an open-necked, button-down denim shirt.

People like people who are like them. People like people who dress and behave like they do. In meetings it’s good to have a coffee together—not because you need the coffee, but because you are sharing an experience. You are ‘alike’.

When golfers meet, the conversation naturally turns to handicaps. Now, I’m not what you would call a ‘natural’ at golf. I think it’s God’s way of making me humble. But when a golfer I’ve just met asks me my handicap, I seem to get one of two reactions. If they’re a good golfer—my definition is they’re expected to score par on at least one hole—they react with an ‘oh dear’ expression. They’re not eager to play with me because I’m not like them. Conversely, if their handicap is in the 20s they tend to slap me on the back, shake my hand and say something like, ‘That’s great, we’re both rubbish—we must have a game!’

The whole purpose of the handicap system is to allow golfers of different abilities to play against each other and enjoy the competition. Why is that?

Because people like people who are like them. It’s why you need first to agree that BOSS is a good brand. People like people who dress and behave like they do. You can only do so much about how you look, but you can do a lot about how you dress. And, just as importantly, you can influence what you share with others about what you believe in. People like people who agree with them. People like people who mirror their actions and body language. People like people who respect their beliefs and values. Those might include the importance of timekeeping, having clean shoes or just not saying ‘I hate dogs’ when it’s manifestly obvious the other person is a dog lover.

It’s the things we have in common that help create relationships and the differences that make other people interesting or irritating.

Have you ever been to a football match and been part of a Mexican Wave? You get a nice feeling of doing something together—we are alike. The men in suits and ladies in hats in the directors’ box don’t participate; they are saying they are not like us. And we don’t like people who don’t want to be like us and do what we are doing, so we boo them!

Watch the same people in that crowd enter a church, a library, a hospital waiting room or an expensive hotel. We behave as we do there not only because we think we should, but because everyone else is acting in a hushed, reverent manner.

People like people who truly listen to them. People like people who flatter them and talk about their interests. People like people who remember their name. People like people who show a real and genuine interest in them. People like people who are like them.

Birds of a feather flock together.

Regrettably, there’s a flipside to that coin. People often don’t like other people for no good reason than that they’re not like them. For evidence, take religious intolerance and bigotry down the ages. Wars have been caused and continue to be fought, and the root of them is often simply that people don’t like people who are not like them. They don’t believe in the same things.

I live in Yorkshire and I was born and raised in Lancashire. It’s over 500 years since Henry VII married Princess Elizabeth of York, uniting the warring Houses of Lancaster and York, but the rivalry remains. People like to ‘belong’ and the natural corollary to belonging is disliking those who don’t belong. Ask the people in Dubai what they think of the folk in live in Abu Dhabi, Liverpool fans what they think of people who support Manchester United, see what the Kiwis say about the Aussies. Go to a cricket match between India and Pakistan. I could go on. It’s natural.

So should you be a chameleon? Because people are far easier to persuade if they like you, the essence of selling is to make it easier for people to buy. The process starts with the relationship. And that, in turn, starts with how much other people like you and respect you.

Let’s look at the key issues here.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

A whole host of research projects have been undertaken to discover exactly how long it takes to form a lasting first impression. My summary is that 90% of the time, 90% of people form 90% of their first impression of you within 90 seconds. And typically, before you’ve spoken, what you wear and the way you walk and hold yourself are the key elements in that first impression. If you’re going to persuade someone you have never met before, you need to think about all those issues.

I believe that people effectively ‘plot’ you on a First Impressions scale that has ‘Like you/Don’t like you’ on the vertical axis and what might best be described as Respect you/ Don’t respect you’ on the horizontal axis (see Figure 3.1).

Figure 3.1 on First Impressions

There is, of course, another axis. It’s referred to sometimes as ‘Love at first sight’. The French call it un coup de foudre, a bolt of lightning. It’s about love and lust and passion. It’s the degree of instant physical and sexual attraction between two people, their ‘chemistry’.

Despite the fact that you can, of course, change your opinion of someone (and he or she of you), the initial opinion that is formed is immovable. Have you ever heard someone say, ‘I never liked him from the beginning’?

Persuasion and influence begin with the relationship. And that, in turn, begins with the first impression. When I worked in advertising, no company ever appointed our agency. People at the company appointed the people at the agency.

Because people buy people first. The press release would always say something like, ‘We very much liked the agency’s strategic input and the creative solutions were radical, innovative and on brief blah blah blah.’ We almost always, like every other agency and PR company, wrote the quote ourselves and although there was some truth in it, the real truth was that the people at the client end liked the people at the agency.

They liked them. They could relate to them. They had confidence in them. And yes, they thought they would deliver the creative product.

When I worked in Newcastle I represented an ad agency called Riley Advertising. I went to see someone called Josie Pottinger at a large local company. We had three or four meetings and at that tender age and stage of my career, I couldn’t work out why she didn’t want to use our agency. We were nearer geographically, could offer a better service at a reduced price and presented a number of benefits over her London-based agency. But she didn’t appoint us. When I left to work for the office in Manchester, I introduced her to my replacement in Newcastle, Norma Barclay. Within a month, Norma had won the account and the 1% commission that went with it.

I was obviously a little frustrated and curious and I asked Norma to chat to Josie and find out what the decider had been. Josie said, ‘I always thought Phil made a lot of sense. I could see we would get a better service at a better price. I was sure it would be a sound decision. I just didn’t particularly like him.’

Oh no! Not that she didn’t like me, but that I didn’t spot she didn’t like me. Because people buy people first. The first impression really counts in the persuasion process. And it’s the non-verbal signals that matter in making the first impression.

NON-VERBALSIGNALS

I read recently that Prince Charles holds and plays with his cufflinks in the way he does because he’s ‘chained to the monarchy’. Horrocks. It’s just displacement activity. It’s something to do because he’s a little nervous. But that ‘something to do’ gives him away.

How do we tell if our body is sending the right signals? And how do we read those of others?

Basically, if you’re bored, you’re likely to be boring. If you don’t really want to be somewhere, your body gives it away. In contrast, enthusiasm is contagious and it’s communicated by body language. If you don’t have any enthusiasm, get another job.

It would be easy to dismiss this as obvious, but approaching a new meeting with someone expecting a positive outcome actually does make a difference, according to research by Dr Danu Anthony Stinson at the University of Waterloo in Canada. He’s been able to back up the idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy in first impressions. Namely, whatever you expect to happen, probably will. That’s because your behaviour influences that of the other person. So if you go in there all meek and mild like a lamb to the slaughter, the chances are you’ll be chewed up and spat out, if you’ll pardon my French.

Stinson proved that what psychologists call the ‘acceptance prophecy’ holds true by arranging a series of blind dates between men and women. Half the men were told that the women they were going to meet were a little anxious about the date and half were told that their blind date was an experienced man-eating vixen with a sixth sense for bullshit. He may not have used those exact words, but that was the nub of it. The result of the blind date experiment showed that the men who met the ‘nervous’ women behaved in a warm, friendly and relaxed manner. Their prior knowledge of their date’s anxiety had the opposite effect on them and made them feel more confident in comparison and - here’s the clincher - much more likeable. However, it was a different story for the men who met the cross between Bette Davis and Myra Hindley. Their nervousness and fear of rejection were naturally heightened and let’s just say they didn’t even steal a kiss.

In summary, the guys who were confident got on better with the women, whereas the ones who approached the meeting fearing rejection came across as colder and didn’t get on with the women at all. Just as importantly, an independent panel of researchers who observed each date liked the personality of the confident guys much more than the others.

So be a social and business optimist. Approach every meeting expecting to be liked and more often than not you will be.

EYE MOVEMENTS

If you want to know what someone thinks of you, look at their eye movements. When we first meet someone we tend to look from eye to eye, across the bridge of the nose. If you’ve ever wondered where to look when you’re meeting someone in a business situation, simply look at the gap between their eyes at the bridge of their nose. You don’t want to stare because it embarrasses them, but you don’t want to be continually averting your gaze because they begin to distrust you. (This is all going on in their subconscious, by the way.)

Interestingly, with friends, the gaze tends to drop below eye level and moves into a triangle shape around the two eyes and the mouth. And if a couple start getting into what my mother calls ‘a bit of something going on’, the triangle gets bigger. It widens at the bottom and they start to look at each other’s mouths. So if you want to know if someone likes you in that way, look to see if they’re staring at your mouth. If they are, they subconsciously want to kiss you ...

It’s a well-researched fact that if someone finds you attractive, their pupil size increases and so does their blink rate. So if you find someone attractive and want to test them out, increase your blink rate. If they feel the same way about you, they’ll unconsciously begin to match your blink rate. This is called ‘mirroring’ and get this—they won’t know they’re doing it!

MIRRORING

So people like people who are like them. And people are easier to persuade if they like you. So how do you ‘cheat’? How do you get them to like you? Particularly if physically and perhaps in terms of age you’re not that alike?

Well, the first step is to believe they are going to like you and the second step is to look really, really interested. Raise your eyebrows in a positive way, lean forward and smile. And the third step?

Mirroring.

Basically, you do whatever they do. If they fold their arms and lean against a door, do that. If they lean forward in an ‘I’ll confide in you’ sort of way, then lean forward too. When they reach for their cup of coffee, so do you. If they stroke their chin and look pensive, you do the same. If their feet point towards you they are being open—so follow them.

But not too close, or else it looks like you’ve read a book or been on a course.

The secret is to let them feel that they’re on the same ‘wavelength’ as you. Give them the impression that you understand their mood and circumstances and truly empathize with it. Do it. It works.

Now you know but they don’t. Unless they’ve read this book too.

And sometimes it’s just natural, isn’t it? Sometimes it feels as though you are numbers on the radio dial. You meet someone and you know you are on the same frequency.

But this book and the benefit I hope you get from it apply when things are not so natural. Not everyone likes everyone else easily. For all of us, some people are simpler to like than others. The thing is, if you want to be more persuasive, you need people to like you more—even when it’s not so natural.

There’s a flipside to ‘love at first sight’ too, isn’t there? When love is over and the embers are all that’s left of the fire that once burned, and all the signals are clear, we tend to avoid them. Sometimes lovers merely drift apart and it’s as natural as the tide going out. When you are lying beside the one you once loved is when you feel the most alone. And we avoid the feelings and the little voice that talks to us, just as we try to avoid an unpleasant time. We know it’s coming but we don’t want to face it. Complicated stuff, love. Let’s get back to persuasion.

But before we go into more detail about how you improve the impression people have of you, remember that you are always forming an opinion of the person you are meeting too. Let me give you this thought.

Each year, over £20 billion is inherited by British individuals. We are the first generation to benefit in such enormous numbers from our parents having property, and it was the buying of property in the 1950s and 1960s that is now triggering the largest transfer of wealth in the history of money. First impressions have always been deceptive, but even more so now if you’re wondering whether somebody’s got enough money to buy your product or service. In other words, don’t you judge a book by its cover.

IMPROVING THE IMPRESSION YOU MAKE

When we come to the section in the book on negotiation, you’ll find out that one of the key things is to be fully aware of what your body is saying to the other person. The important lesson us: do not let your body do what it naturally wants to do.

So what are the key issues for managing the impression you make?

• Be on time and reduce the chance of someone finding something offensive or off-putting about you. Have clean fingernails, clean shoes and be appropriately dressed. One of my clients always wears cufflinks. All his senior people do. It’s his thing. It’s his standard. So I wear cufflinks when I go to see him.

I clearly remember working with Mike Moran when he was at what was then Pharmacia. We met in a Little Chef in Cumbria. I had, quite frankly, not thought through the implications of visiting vets and farmers in the Lake District. It was in the third vet’s surgery with all around me dressed in browns and tweeds and me in my blue suit, white shirt and Armani tie that it really got to me. ‘Who’s the city slicker then?’ said the receptionist just in earshot as Mike and I went in to see the vet. So it’s not always about looking like a tailor’s dummy, is it?

• Expect to be liked.Feel positive and alive and tell your body. If you’re happy, tell your face. If you’re not feeling positive, fake it for a day or go home.

• Prepare well and think about how you can make a good impression. Don’t sit down in someone’s office or boardroom until they point to where they want you to sit.

I once blew a presentation to a major company in the north of England because I sat in the chairman’s favourite seat. Throughout the presentation his whole body language was negative. He wasn’t ever really interested. And it was only as we were packing away our flip charts and slides that the marketing manager said. ‘I perhaps should have told you the chairman only ever likes to sit in that chair.’

• Listen with rapt attention.Look very, very interested. Right at that very moment they are the only person who matters to you. People tend to listen with the intention of saying something. Some people even listen with the sole intent of ‘topping’ your story. Anything you say, they have been at a better or bigger one. Anything you have seen, they have seen a longer and wider one. They know someone more senior. They know someone who took longer, ran faster, went further and so on.

If you want people to like you, don’t top their stories. Listen with rapt attention. Listen simply so that you can truly understand how they feel about what they’re saying. Listen so that you see things from their point of view. They will like you more and you might learn something too.

• Flatter them and talk about their interests.Most people are interested in three main things: themselves, their pleasures and their problems. So talk about them.