I´m dying to live E-Book

Sophie Thomasdotter

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 155

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

In this book we get to read parts and fragments from the author's life. Everything from the past to the present, which many thoughts and feelings jump in between. Sometimes a bit confusing but with time becomes clear with reflections. Many years can be seen as missing, unexplained and unsolved but believe that these years will appear later on in other books maby. We read how the love for the children and for life defies many obstacles, this causes her to seek new paths and how she also finds them. This emotional depiction tears us between laughter and tears, as well as soothing words that give us a beautiful faith in the future. She stands honestly, naked and with a sincerity rarely seen in our everyday life. About her own impact and how the responsibility of her own choices brings her closer to a collapse. Sometimes it´s an incredibly heavy story to read and it makes you wonder how and why. Some of the questions we get answers to and some others not Inspiring how a person can free oneself from a self-destructive behavior, created with the participation of the view of men. How she looks down on herself to the grossest level that she loses herself completely.The author tells heartily and vividly, gives us mental pictures from her life and the patterns she previously lived in.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Words...

The beginning of our history

Introducing of a life living with a narcissist

Morning coffee and breakfast

They were always older

I decide in my world

A new focus begins

Like a boat down Niagara

Reflections

The letter I wrote but never sent

The life in between

My responsibility

Best months of my life

Dear life

I cut your wings

Before you go

Words...

In this book we get to read parts and fragments from author's life. Everything from the past to the present, which many thoughts and feelings jump in between. Sometimes a bit confusing but with time becomes clear with reflections. Many years can be seen as missing, unexplained and unsolved but believe that these years will appear later on in other books maybe.

We read how the love for the children and for life defies many obstacles, this causes her to seek new paths and how she also finds them. This emotional depiction tears us between laughter and tears, as well as soothing words that give us a beautiful faith in the future. She stands honestly, naked and with a sincerity rarely seen in our everyday life. About her own impact and how the responsibility of her own choices brings her closer to a collapse. Sometimes it´s an incredibly heavy story to read and it makes you wonder how and why. Some of the questions we get answers to and some others not, at least not in this particular book.

Inspiring how a person can free oneself from a self-destructive behavior, created with the participation of the view of men. How she looks down on herself to the grossest level that she loses herself completely. The author tells heartily and vividly, gives us mental pictures from her life and the patterns she previously lived in. It's stories that repeat themselves and as she describes it herself, the same personalities in different clothes.

At times the reading is very heavy and it´s close to crying, but the strength of the words instills hope in all the despair.

She asked me to write the preface and with that honor also comes the words after.

My words before and hers after.

The words after the stroke.

The word after the severe brain injury. The words after a destructive life. About the will and the fight to get back. It is about a lifetime. Her living time. It's about the sand, the sand that flows through the hourglass, the one that must never run out. It's about life, her life and parts of ours. Life, happiness and the truly unique brain. The brain she chose to win over. About the fight forward, not the fight back. Because that has always been her message to the rest of us."I don't want to go back, I want to go forward."

"I'm so tired of feeling so much"

We, people around you are so incredibly grateful that you feel, feel so much, because the opposite would have been that you felt nothing at all.

So now her preface became my afterword. The word after gratitude. Gratitude to breathe the air we share. Gratitude for continuing to fight and show the rest of us your way. Your way through life, for life. The journey with the completely unique brain.

Your journey that you share so insightful and willingly.

Pernilla Wågenberg

The beginning of our history

"Ignoring your intuition and denying what you feel is self betrayal"

Despite all these times I've felt alone, I've always had myself.

I have always had the hope and faith that someday and somehow things will get better. Sure, I've faltered a lot at times, but in the background I've always had a love for one person, a person behind all the anxiety and self-destructive life. Because that is who I have been, with heavy emphasis on been.

Today I have realized that I will never ever be able to live up to those expectations, my own demands on myself. They were never even realistic.

The question remains...

Why do we kick ourselves instead of lifting ourselves up?

Why do we give power to the negative when the positive should be the driving force?

I would never be able to make those demands on anyone else, I would never demand that someone without legs to stand up and walk

...So why do I put myself thru that? Why do you?

This is something we can debate til the end of days, but I think it's something that both you and I need to try to do differently. We need to act to our advantage instead of rushing the battle to our disadvantage.

Sometimes life hurts a little more than usual, so the question is when is little and when is more? I've always been terrified of failure so I always quit halfway through, why even bother to finish? Did I even wanted to try? I don't actually know how this is related to performance anxiety and way too high expectations, but it may be what made me stumble all the time and hit myself hard on the way. Or was I simply just on the wrong track? Did I go in the wrong direction? Could I have been looking for trails far into the deep forest without a compass?

So many questions and so far too few answers...

The thought was that if I never complete something, only started, you can never say That I haven't tried? Or was that what I did? Tried but never completed, so in that case I never failed?

Introducing of a life living with a narcissist

He gives you the whole world and serves you an endless buffet of exotic fruits. He loves you from the first second. All he gives you is all you've ever longed for, all you think you need to feel genuine happiness. Euphoric. He lures you and wraps you in world where you lose yourself in his sea of seduction. His scent is everywhere, his loving embraces.

You've never met anyone like him and your existence has never meant as much to anyone but to him as it does. You are everything to him and now him aswell to you. You only see what he does in front of you. Your world now consists solely of his. You are exactly where he wants you be.

Now the decomposition begins. Slowly, slowly he drowns you, every little functioning cell in your body is controlled.

He has asked and studied you carefully to figure out exactly what it takes for you to blindly follow His word and trust Him completely. He slowly but surely breaks down all your self-esteem and conquers cm by cm of your whole person, your body, until it can only be found inside the shell you now display.

Disappointments that are explained away and forgiven. It starts with the small things to end up being unrecognizable from any point of view or size. You have lost yourself and now you don't know where it started or if it will ever end. You have forgotten who you are and what you should stand for.

Unfortunately, all the following events are self-experienced, feelings and thoughts are based on my person today. Words that others may not be able to pronounce or even color. Sometimes it is difficult to try to relive feelings that you once actually forgave and moved on from. Looking back at all the different stages today are experiences I can share with you. I can to some extent wish they were pure fiction, but I also have to admit that without my experiences I would never have been who I am today.

I had perhaps never seen the person with the same eyes and never had the understanding of what a behavioral pattern really is when you are stuck in bad relationships. In self-destructiveness and self-injurious behavior. Very rarely is it solely due to one person, but is often caused by similar treatment and situations in the past for other reasons. We are processed into different values right from our birth with our entire environment from the media to our closest social circle. It does not only happen in couple relationships, but this with manipulation and narcissism also happens within family and friendship circles. Even from your enemy who processes your fears and breaks down beyond recognition. Sociopathy and psychopathy.

I do this because I hope that people learn from my experiences and understand that if they choose similar paths, the outcome will be the same, event by event and in all situations.

Sometimes it's better to run away than to fight badly. If you can save yourself and teach yourself lessons without putting yourself in danger, that's better.

I mean, you know you can't fly and will fall without a parachute if you jump out of an airplane without one. So without trying to see if it might work, you put on your parachute, right?

Let my experiences be your parachute.

Morning coffee and breakfast

How many people recognize that they don´t function without their morning coffee? I raise my hand immediately, even though I know it's pure plague for my poor body and brain.

We are so determined and completely disturbed by our own ideas, of course we work.. for a while.. but if we start with a pint of water before and a healthy breakfast, I promise you we ´ll feel better! But no, we start with the coffee and let the body have absolutely nothing to work with to get started. Then, we have another cup... and completely surprised that we don't kickstart and last the whole day. Why patience wears thin and irritation rises. God we are good. Now´s the time to laugh and read the next lines with self-irony and give ourselves lots and lots of love.

Do we seriously believe that a car should start and start rolling on only oil without fuel in the tank? It´s next to dry and we still expect it to work. Yep, apparently a lot of us do. Such idiocy!

It is because our fantastic brain that resets the system every night, during sleep and we become more or less hosed on the fuel. What I mean is that what we eat the day before is almost forfeited and the nutrition should be absorbed into various areas and cells. Then we are stupid enough to completely believe that coffee, the so-called engine oil, will suffice.

Pure utter idiocy indeed! Well well...

Many of you are sitting ready to lecture me now and say either out loud (those who need even more convincing,) or in your head that you must just have your coffee, the first thing that happens. Right.. I´ll listen, I hear clearly but unfortunately it leaves us a fault in the machinery! We will crash, sooner or later. Believe me, today I´m a living proof that long-term underlying stress and wrong nutritious substances can lead to a far too early death. It may sound harsh and disparaging, but it´s with love that I am writing this. Although it is actually fact.

Some of us stuff ourselves with sugar, gluten and fat as if it were a garbage container with a waste mill. Then comes whining. Or some who drink energy drinks such as water.. one day it will explode! We are so quick to let our body deal with new addictions and thinks, Oh, it will work out! It's not that dangerous. It won´t happen to me!

It takes four days, FOUR DAYS for a physically athletic adult body to process a 250ml can of that flying bull. But it's good, right? Denial is lovely. I won't get started on what that dark bubbly drink is used for in the slums of America. Just a little thought there, You should drink it without carbonation in case of your stomach´s upset. You can use it to dissolve rust? In order to?? Yes, it kills bacteria and flushes out the intestine. Because it is corrosive..what do you think healthy intestines and teeth say about it? Our internal organs, our so-called purification system and all tissue that is supposed to absorb the nutrition, we feed it with pure shit really.

Proper garbage disposal there.

Just a little information in a slightly different way and already here it's your responsibility, your action and I'm just giving you certain tools that you need to think about yourself, if you want to use them. Totally up to you and believe me, I stumble into the pitfalls myself sometimes. We can hold each other's hands and let words and wisdom guide us.

I promise that if you gave it just one week, ONE week out of all the weeks that just flow through the hourglass unnoticed or stressed, after that freaking week, would you be able to keep going for two more weeks? You will be more energetic and your stomach will thank you already AFTER the first week! If your stomach feels good, you will feel much better, both physically and mentally. Believe it or not, the brain needs the stomach, and a lot of it actually. Nothing that neither doctors nor school teaches you. Only if you ask and it's the right question can you get the right answer. Will return to that later.

As I said, just a little tip.... With just the coffee and the sugar. You can do whatever you want with the other. In fact, too much coffee can put your body under stress without you even thinking about it, high blood pressure. So-called underlying stress. The sugar combines fat cells, increases the heart rate and the body has to work harder to break down particles. Your heart, your engine for pumping blood and oxygen around the body. We remove a large part of the body's ability to absorb the good substances the body needs to function. It will be too busy with everything else that the good is not really prioritized. Just like when you focus on the negative, the positive falls into the gutter next to it.

Damn, I´m sorry it sounds harsh, and start by giving a real lecture to something, it´s actually written with consideration.

Take three deep breaths and smile, your heart and you will see that we can continue our course. For a while it works fine with a lower quality of products, but I can almost bet that you will still have some problems or recurring problems connected to your health. Pain in the joints, pain in the muscles, problems with your back, problems in the gastrointestinal tract (this is often called a stress stomach or you develop IBS) etc etc.

Headaches top the list, no it is not only due to coffee, absolutely not! We are born with certain genetics and it may therefore require more or less. In general, it is usually due to neglecting our body and its functions. Denial again. Point taken again. We can also help the body to cope better with these called autoimmune diseases, where good nutrition and exercise, for example, help a rheumatologist between flare-ups to reduce the pain during the flare-ups. Inflammation in the body, fibromyalgia, edema, can be remedied with diet and exercise. No no no, this is not a diet and exercise book. What I am giving you is just some background information. For me, diet is now more important than ever. That part has been an important factor for me overall and is probably part of why I made it this long anyway. From what I've experienced, it's actually super important! Something that medical care "forgets" to mention.. Unfortunately, even some of them are good at just delegating. With all the repairs that need to be done, I need to make sure the parts I'm trying to replace are quality. Everything that died and disappeared and that I now have the privilege to learn about, build up and let my experiences be helpful to others.

We just put this in the back of our minds. It's about the importance of the fuel for optimal physical and mental function and health lies formerly in what we choose to eat and drink.

Beyond that, the grin you are now sitting with is actually one of the magical driving forces we have if you choose to see and feel it. Just a smile, so simple really.

Every smile brings a magical brief moment of joy to the mind! Keep that feeling because it will help you move forward. Laughter is so healing and we don't think of it like that but it's so true, the quote Laughter prolongs life.

Hmm coming now or a pfft, food for thoughts or back to denial for some. Just a little reminder. I'm just simply telling you that my car should run better if I cared for and serviced it more often. A flaw in my behavior pattern that I have really had to learn from. And yes, I still have to constantly remind myself.

How are you?

Write that down and then read it over and over again until you really feel the words speak to you and make a beautiful colorful painting. Read with positivety, empathy, imagine how you really believe your own words. You actually might need to replace some parts. You can do it if you just want to. I promise you and we can help each other out.

I think we need to move on now and change direction before we both lose focus completely.

They were always older

It was always difficult to meet someone my own age, they were always older. It made me feel more special and I could assume a shape and position that they wanted, instead of who I really was. All these "what if".

I was always my brother's sister and I loved it, I wanted to be there. Where I already meant something and where I was safe. He protected me and I knew what I was dealing with. He was always there. His friends were also there, and with them I was a little sister you couldn't touch without consequences. I kept my real crushes to myself, or so I thought. Today I know why some kept their distance. I need to remove many "what ifs" and accept that my journey needed to include other things to lead the way today.

There are also the "what ifs" he had known. If I had dared to tell and had dared to take responsibility earlier, what would have happened?

There could have been many pits undugged.