Improving Your Relationship For Dummies E-Book

Paula Hall

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 600

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

This is the guide to being happy with your partner. Whether you want to work through tiresome niggles, iron out potential issues before taking the next step, or simply fortify your partnership against the daily ups and downs, this relationship manual provides all the expert advice and support you need. Packed with key information on managing change, successful cohabitation, overcoming jealousy, and igniting passion, and including worksheets designed to get you and your partner thinking and working together, this is your passport to a loving, communicative relationship that's set to last.

Leseprobe

Improving Your Relationship For Dummies®

Table of Contents

Introduction

About This Book

What You’re Not to Read

Foolish Assumptions

How This Book Is Organised

Part I: Preparing for Relationship Change

Part II: Boosting Your Relationship

Part III: Improving Communication and Resolving Conflict

Part IV: Working Through Relationship Issues

Part V: The Part of Tens

Appendix

Icons Used in This Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I: Preparing for Relationship Change

Chapter 1: Understanding the Economics of Love

Investing in Your Relationship Bank Account

Recognising that love needs work

Making regular deposits

Saving for a rainy day

Reaping the rewards of your investment

Minimising Damaging Emotional Withdrawals

Knowing why little things can hurt so much

Increasing awareness of your faults

Accepting your partner’s definition of a withdrawal

Avoiding Relationship Bankruptcy

Identifying the relationship wreckers

Accepting that Snoopy was wrong

Pulling back from the brink

Chapter 2: Doing a Relationship Inventory

Defining the Different Areas of a Relationship

Understanding the importance of compatibility

Identifying the facets of intimacy

Appreciating the significance of the practical day-to-day living stuff

Recognising the centrality of communication

Taking a Good Look at Your Relationship

Completing the relationship health check-up questionnaire

Assessing your relationship strengths

Working on your relationship weaknesses

Recognising Your Resources

Checking your motivation and commitment

Considering professional help

Chapter 3: Developing the Ground Rules for a Successful Relationship

Loving Yourself

Realising the importance of positive self-esteem

Assessing your self-esteem

Building a positive self-view

Liking Your Partner

What’s love got to do with it?

Understanding the essential role of friendship

Accepting Your Differences

Recognising the inevitability of having differences

Living with differences

Adapting to Change

Understanding the impact of life stages

Growing together

Talking to Each Other

Breaking barriers to intimacy

Building bridges across differences

Part II: Boosting Your Relationship

Chapter 4: Prioritising Your Relationship

Making Time for Each Other

Separating the urgent from the important

Choosing quality over quantity

Scheduling couple routines

Finding Fun Stuff to Do

Remembering that couples who play together stay together

Creating companionship

Avoiding boredom

Showing Your Whole Self

Appreciating the importance of opening your heart

Sharing your expectations

Disclosing your hopes, dreams and fears

Becoming bestest, bestest friends

Recognising the Signs that You’re Drifting Apart

Becoming alert to early warning signals

Changing direction before you’re too late

Chapter 5: Doing Oodles of Romantic Stuff

Understanding the Chemistry of Love

Exploring the power of attraction

Differentiating between the three phases of love

Falling in love again

Remembering the Good Times

Considering why you fell in love

Reminiscing about your early days

Keeping a record of love

Keeping Romance Alive

Knowing the real meaning of romance

Doing the little things that count

Creating unforgettable memories

Chapter 6: Understanding the Essentials of Sex

Getting Started: How’s Your Sex Life?

Evaluating the role of sex in a relationship

Making a mutual commitment to your sex life

Creating a sexual growth plan

Recognising Negative Sexual Thinking

Leaving history in the past

Looking backwards so you can move forwards

Relaxing about sexual compatibility

Getting to Grips with What You Need to Know about Sex

Understanding the difference between men and women

Discovering what they didn’t teach you in sex ed

Opening up with pillow talk

Accepting differences in taste and style

Overcoming Common Sexual Problems

A problem shared is a problem halved

Looking at female problems

Examining male issues

Dealing with diminished desire

Getting help for sexual addiction

Chapter 7: Turning Up the Sexual Thermostat

Creating a Positive Sexual Environment

Identifying your conditions for good sex

Maintaining a sexual connection

Creating sensual space

Putting Sex on Your ‘To Do’ List

Taking responsibility for sex

Negotiating the rituals of initiation

Dealing with ‘Not tonight, dear’

Making time for sex

Minimising stress and tiredness

Beating Bedroom Boredom

Identifying the boredom traps

Discovering erotica

Exploring fantasies

Trying adult toys

Playing grown-up games

Part III: Improving Communication and Resolving Conflict

Chapter 8: Establishing the Rules of Effective Communication

Unpicking Your Communication Style

Realising what Mum and Dad taught you

Recognising the power of previous relationships

Leaving baggage where it belongs

Identifying common blocks to communication

Creating the Right Environment

Choosing your timing wisely

Checking your motivation

Agreeing objectives

Talking So Your Partner Listens

Saying what you mean

Meaning what you say

Making the message even easier to understand

Listening So Your Partner Feels Heard

Using active listening techniques that really work

Showing empathy

Minimising distractions

Chapter 9: Settling Disagreements

Identifying Your Argument Style

Naming the arguers

Becoming comrades in arms

Knowing How to Stop a Storm

Recognising when a row is looming

Cutting conflict dead before it starts

Stopping a row in its tracks

Mastering the Lost Art of Negotiation

Identifying the problem

Agreeing goals

Finding creative solutions

Ensuring a win–win conclusion

Chapter 10: Breaking the Argument Cycle

Recognising What Lurks Beneath

Acknowledging personal triggers

Identifying cognitive distortions

Avoiding sensitive subjects

Understanding Hidden Payoffs

Arguing to maintain connection

Using rows to avoid intimacy

Injecting passion the hard way

Getting Off the Argument Merry-Go-Round, Forever

Conducting an argument post-mortem

Making up again

Committing to better conflict resolution skills

Part IV: Working Through Relationship Issues

Chapter 11: Overcoming Day-to-Day Grumbles

Homing In on Housework Hassles

Understanding why housework matters so much

Recognising differences in tidiness tolerance

Showing respect and being fair

Creating a rota

Minimising Money Maelstroms

Recognising the roots of money rows

Dealing with issues of power and control

Creating a couple-friendly financial plan

Dealing with Toddlers, Teenagers and All Ages in Between

Seeing what you picked up about parenting as a child

Agreeing the roles of parenting

Setting boundaries and maintaining discipline

Facing the challenges of step-parenting

Juggling Parents, In-laws, Friends, Work and Other Stuff

Understanding how ‘everything’ affects couples

Establishing boundaries around couple time

Accepting interruptions to your time

Chapter 12: Handling the Bigger Difficulties

Understanding Jealousy and Insecurity

Knowing why a little jealousy is good for relationships

Seeing how jealousy can get out of control

Recognising unhealthy jealousy

Defeating the green-eyed monster

Helping a jealous partner

Coping with Depression, Anxiety and Addictions

Understanding the impact on relationships

Protecting your relationship from contamination

Recovering as a couple

Dealing with Rage and Passive Aggression

Looking at unhealthy expression of anger

Identifying the root of hostility

Managing your own anger

Living with an angry partner

Knowing when things have gone too far

Chapter 13: Managing Major Life Changes

Adjusting to Parenthood

Planning for a baby

Coping with fertility issues

Living with a new baby

Keeping up your coupledom

Moving Home

Recognising losses

Getting stuck in to new challenges

Building a harmonious home together

Coping with Redundancy

Understanding the emotional impact

Adapting to changing roles

Maintaining optimism

Overcoming ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’

Allowing yourself to grieve

Recognising replacement activities

Re-establishing your couple identity

Exploring your future

Dealing with Ill Health and Disability

Coping with shock, loss and anger

Moving from partner to patient

Caring for each other

Adapting to Retirement

Embracing a new way of life

Facing the challenges of aging

Living in the third age

Supporting Each Other Through Bereavement

Understanding the stages of grief

Doing grief differently

Holding hope for each other

Chapter 14: Surviving an Affair

Coping with the Discovery

Identifying the five common types of affair

Looking at the reactions of the betrayed partner

Exploring the reactions of the unfaithful partner

Deciding whether to tell others

Navigating the Aftermath

Understanding why the affair happened

Accepting responsibility

Working through the early weeks and months

Choosing Your Future

Assessing the wreckage

Making the decision to forgive

Re-establishing commitment

Rebuilding Trust

Agreeing absolute honesty

Taking risks again

Refocusing on the positives

Affair-proofing for the future

Chapter 15: Recognising That It’s Over

Spotting the Signs of Relationship Bankruptcy

Looking at reasons to stay

Exploring reasons to leave

Considering reasons to give the relationship more time

Working Through the Decision to Leave

Counting the emotional cost of separation

Deciding on the practicalities

Considering children’s needs

Breaking Up without Falling Apart

Managing difficult feelings

Becoming co-parents

Rebuilding life as a single person

Part V: The Part of Tens

Chapter 16: Ten Ways to Ignite Passion

Starting a Fight

Doing Something Daring

Buying Some Toys

Getting Sensual

Investing in Erotica

Flirting Your Pants Off

Trying a New Technique

Experimenting with Positions

Shaking Up When and Where

Changing Your Pants

Chapter 17: Ten Tips for Talking Together

Defining Your Objective

Picking a Good Time

Sticking to the Subject

Avoiding Sentences That Begin With ‘You’

Never Saying Never or Always

Watching Your Shoulds and Shouldn’ts

Knowing When to Keep Shtum

Staying Calm

Skipping Subtle Sabotage

Expressing Your Feelings as Well as Your Thoughts

Chapter 18: Ten Ways to Avoid a Row

Assuming the Best

Checking Your Conscience

Checking Your Environment

Being Adult

Owning Your Feelings

Finding a Code Word

Doing Something Practical

Agreeing to Disagree

Using the Big Brother Technique

Using Humour

Chapter 19: Ten Great Expectations for Couples

Expecting Your Relationship to Improve

Expecting to Be Loved

Expecting to Discover Difficult Things about Each Other

Expecting to Discover Even More Difficult Things About Yourself

Expecting Your Relationship to Change

Expecting Sex to Get Better and Better

Expecting to Be Bored Sometimes

Expecting to Have Doubts Sometimes

Expecting to Face Tough Times Together

Expecting to Be Together, Forever

Appendix: Relationship Resources

General relationship

Divorce and separation

Parenting

Better sex and sexual problems

Emotional wellbeing

Improving Your Relationship For Dummies®

by Paula Hall

Improving Your Relationship For Dummies®

Published byJohn Wiley & Sons, LtdThe AtriumSouthern GateChichesterWest SussexPO19 8SQEngland

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About the Author

Paula Hall is an accredited sexual and relationship psychotherapist who has worked with many hundreds of couples and individuals with relationship difficulties. Originally trained by and working with Relate she now works in private practice in Warwickshire. As well as writing about relationships she also provides professional comment on sexuality, separation and young people’s issues to the national press, women’s magazines, teenage magazines, websites, national and local radio and television. She also runs her own website at www.TheRelationshipSpecialists.com.

Author’s Acknowledgments

It’s really hard to know where to start and who to thank for helping me write this book. I first started learning about relationships from watching my parents, so thanks first to Mum and Dad for showing me the importance of love and respect in a marriage, as well as how to have an argument and make up afterwards. And whilst on the theme of personal experience, hoooge ongoing gratitude to my husband Steve who makes improving our relationship meaningful, exciting and endlessly rewarding.

In the realms of professional, I’d like to thank Relate for their excellent training and continuing commitment to improving the relationships of thousands of couples each year. I’d particularly like to thank my colleagues and supervisors who’ve inspired, encouraged and challenged me to improve my practice, especially Angie Purdom, Marnie Brewster and Heather Storr. I’d also like to thank my publishers, John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. for giving me the opportunity to write this book. I’d especially like to thank Nicole Hermitage, who entrusted this mammoth project to me and Simon Bell for holding my hand throughout.

Finally I’d like to thank all the clients I’ve seen over the years who’ve shared their relationship struggles with me. It is such a privilege to witness the courage and hard work so many people put into making their relationships better. Thank you for letting me join you on the journey, and for teaching me how unique and precious relationships can be.

Publisher’s Acknowledgments

We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration form located at www.dummies.com/register/.

Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:

Commissioning, Editorial, and Media Development

Project Editor: Simon Bell

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Copy Editor: Sally Osborn

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Assistant Editor: Jennifer Prytherch

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Cover Photos: ©Jan Will / Fotolia

Cartoons: Ed McLachlan

Composition Services

Project Coordinator: Lynsey Stanford

Layout and Graphics: Ashley Chamberlain

Proofreader: John Greenough

Indexer: Ty Koontz

Brand Reviewer: Zoë Wykes

Introduction

I wrote this book because I believe everyone who’s in a relationship wants to improve their relationship. That’s not to say that every couple is on the brink of divorce or living in abject misery, but most people know that in at least some areas of their relationship they could do better. That might mean improving communication, becoming better at managing conflict, spicing up a flagging sex life or becoming more intimate and romantic. No one is perfect and that means no relationship is perfect, but there’s always room for improvement.

What’s more, couple relationships are always a ‘work in progress’. They’re never complete because they’re made up of two individuals who continue to grow and change, who live in a world that never stays the same. As life changes, you and your partner are forced to adjust and renegotiate the rules and roles of your relationship. What worked for you two years ago before you had children may no longer work now you have tantrum Toby in tow and haven’t slept for a month because of teething Tabitha. And the obsessive fascination and constant passionate desire you felt with your partner in the first few years may be little more than a fond wistful memory 30 years on. Whatever your circumstances, relationships change and it’s up to you whether those changes are for better, or worse.

In this book you can find advice and guidance on navigating through the ups and downs of relationship life hand in hand. You find help on the predictable changes of life, like having a baby, moving home and retirement, and also on the sudden shocks some people have to face such as bereavement, redundancy and affairs. You also find tips on negotiating your way through the day-to-day grumbles that sometimes challenge even the most harmonious homes, such as housework, money and parenting.

For most people, a happy and fulfilling couple relationship gives meaning and purpose to life and creates the motivation and enthusiasm to explore and enjoy their world. Strong couple relationships are also the foundation for a secure and happy family life and a healthy society. Unfortunately, I can’t guarantee this book will make you and your partner live ‘happily ever after’, but it can definitely help!

About This Book

There are hundreds of books out there on relationships, some written by journalists, some by psychologists, some by social commentators and a few by quacks like me (or psychotherapists, as we prefer to be called). Over the past 15 years I’ve worked with literally hundreds of couples and individuals who want to improve their relationship and I know first hand that every person is different and every relationship is unique. I’ve also learnt that problems within a relationship can affect almost every area of a person’s life and most people will do almost anything to make things better.

In this book you won’t find easy answers or simple, guaranteed solutions, but you will gain the tools you need to analyse and understand your personal situation and lots of advice and strategies for sharing this information with your partner. I also share lots of tips and suggestions that have worked for other couples who’ve been in a similar situation to yours.

Unlike most relationship books, this isn’t a book that promotes any particular theory or route to happiness. It’s a reference book you can turn to whatever your individual circumstances and find insights, information and advice to tailor to your needs. Ultimately, you’re the expert on your relationship and this book is simply an instrument to help illuminate your journey to a happier life with your partner.

What You’re Not to Read

This book has been designed so you can go straight to the subject that’s most relevant to your situation and get specific advice. You don’t have to start at the beginning for the book to make sense, or read every single word.

Wherever you see the ‘Casebook’ symbol attached to a sidebar (one of the grey boxes dotted through the book) you’ll find an example that expands on what you’re reading, but if you’re already able to make the connection between your own story, feel free to scoot past. And if you’re not into following prescribed exercises you might want to ignore the ‘Try This’ sections. Any info you see in a sidebar is there as extra information about the topic but it’s not essential reading.

Foolish Assumptions

I’m making two assumptions about you, the reader. They may be wrong, but you’ll get more from this book if I’m right.

Firstly, I’m assuming you’re in a couple relationship. You may be just starting out, together a few years or heading for your diamond anniversary. This may be your first relationship, your second or your twentieth, but either way it’s a relationship you want to improve. I’m not assuming it’s a heterosexual relationship, but for the sake of balance I’ve alternated ‘he’ or ‘she’ from chapter to chapter to avoid clumsy language.

Secondly, I’m assuming you’re willing to change. You may feel it’s your partner who has all the faults and should be reading this book, but the reality is that no one can change another person unless they want to change. All you can do is change yourself and hope that your partner is encouraged to change the way they respond to you.

How This Book Is Organised

This book is divided into 5 parts and 19 chapters. The table of contents includes subheadings for each chapter so you can see which subjects appear within each chapter. Each part contains chapters on a similar theme, as the following sections illustrate.

Part I: Preparing for Relationship Change

Before setting out on a journey it’s helpful to know where you’re going and even more helpful to know where you’re starting from. In this part you look at the ground rules of a successful relationship and the rules for making it work. You also have the opportunity to look at your individual circumstances and make some decisions about exactly what it is that you want to improve.

Part II: Boosting Your Relationship

A successful relationship is made up of lots of good stuff and a few unavoidable tricky bits. Part II is all about how you can create more of the good stuff by maximising your time together and ensuring you’re doing things you both enjoy. You also get some tips and suggestions for getting and keeping romance alive, which hopefully get you in the mood for looking at your sex life. I’m sure you did at least a rudimentary amount of sex ed at school, but if it’s too long ago to remember or was about nothing more than how not to get pregnant then this part offers lots of information and advice for you, from bedroom basics to x-rated exploration.

Part III: Improving Communication and Resolving Conflict

Good communication is essential for a happy relationship and, because differences of opinion are inevitable unless you’re living with a clone, resolving disagreements is also crucial. Part III is all about communication: how to listen, how to be heard, how to fall out without your relationship falling apart and how to break free of those horrible ongoing arguments that so many couples get into.

Part IV: Working Through Relationship Issues

This is the part where you get to the nitty gritty of what makes relationships so complicated. You start with the day to day stuff that affects most of us, like running a home, managing money and dealing with the kids, and then move on to the really tough stuff like living with difficult emotions such as jealousy, anger and depression. You then find help and guidance for getting through the major changes in life, such as starting a family, moving home, redundancy and retirement, and then a whole chapter dedicated to surviving affairs, whether you were the unfaithful one or the person who was betrayed. Part IV concludes with how to recognise whether your relationship has reached the end of the road and how you might make the agonising decision to separate.

Part V: The Part of Tens

If you’re a fan of ‘top ten tips’, you’ll like this section. If you really can’t be bothered to thumb through the whole book in your hour of need, turn straight to these pages for an instant hit. You find quick tips on communicating effectively, getting passionate and steering clear of an argument, and also some great expectations you can adopt.

Appendix

This is where you find some useful resources to guide you as you seek to strengthen your relationship. I’ve included some of the best books on the market as well as details of some of the most important relationship organisations and their websites.

Icons Used in This Book

The funny little pictures in the left-hand margin are there to draw your attention to a particular type of information.

This icon means that the little tale next to it is a real story about a client whose story you might find helpful. Names and personal details have of course been changed to protect clients’ identities.

This icon tells you that there’s a bit of information here that I think is particularly important for you to bear in mind.

This bullseye flags up useful tips to help you get the most out of the practical exercises and information in this book.

This little picture tells you that the exercise next to it is safe for you to try at home. And you might find it jolly helpful too.

There aren’t many warnings in this book, but where you do stumble across this symbol it means be careful or be aware: possible relationship or personal danger ahead.

Where to Go from Here

This is a reference book, not a book you have to read from cover to cover, so if you already know the problems within your relationship then now’s the time to look at the contents page and head straight for the relevant section. If you’re not really sure what’s going on, but you know it isn’t right, do the inventory in Chapter 2 and then go to where your learning leads you. Wherever you start, don’t stop until you’ve got the improvements you and your partner desire and deserve.

Part I

Preparing for Relationship Change

In this part . . .

If your relationship is going through a difficult time and you want to make it better, this part of the book will give you the basics you need to get started. I’ll explore how couple relationships work and what you need to do to make one survive and thrive. I also help you get ready to improve your relationship by prioritising what you want to work on, and by ensuring you have the resources you need.

The final chapter in this part contains the five essential ground rules for a successful relationship. When you put these rules in place, they will help you to build your relationship into one that makes you happy.

Chapter 1

Understanding the Economics of Love

In This Chapter

Understanding how relationships work

Deepening love and affection

Minimising relationship problems

Avoiding relationship wreckers

In this chapter you get a quick overview of how to improve your relationship. You also find out about the meaning of relationships, how they work, why they work, what goes wrong and what you can do about it. And you get a glimpse at what chapters are most likely to be relevant to your current situation.

The chapter looks at the economics of love, through the relationship bank account. Every couple has one of these accounts and, like a standard bank account, it thrives when you make deposits but empties when you make a withdrawal. Your transactions are emotional ones. So each time you do something nice for your partner, you boost the funds in your account – but when things go wrong, you make a withdrawal. Using this simple metaphor, this chapter looks at the importance of regular deposits into your account and the pitfalls of too many withdrawals – and, most importantly, how to avoid going into relationship bankruptcy!

Investing in Your Relationship Bank Account

Every couple, whether knowingly or not, create something entirely new and unique when they get together. This third entity is something that they carry with them for the rest of their relationship, something very special that needs constant care and attention by both partners. From the moment you develop a relationship, the relationship will always contain three entities: you, me and us. ‘Us’ is the place in the middle where the two of you meet.

You also need to stay mindful of your account balance by making it a priority to build and protect your investment, so that your account is a resource you can both rely on in times of need.

Chapters 4 and 5 are full of ideas on how you can boost your relationship account.

Recognising that love needs work

When you first meet the man or woman of your dreams and fall hopelessly in love, you can’t possibly imagine that anything can ever go wrong. As you gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes, you see nothing but beauty and perfection. You love everything about the other person. And if love hasn’t completely blinded you to the person’s faults, you see those as wonderful, endearing little quirks. Temporarily, you’re in heaven and all’s right with the world.

These early, heady days of love are intoxicating and effortless. But unfortunately, they’re also finite. And when this first stage of a relationship passes, love needs work to survive.

Writers and researchers have given various labels to this first stage of a relationship: the romantic phase, limerence, blending, bonding or simply being ‘in love’. And most agree that it’s a biochemical phenomenon that eventually fades. As Chapter 5 explains, Mother Nature wants you to get as close as possible to the other person, as fast as possible. So she floods your body with a chemical called PEA, which fills you full of lust and attraction for approximately 18 months (I guess by then she thinks the woman should be pregnant – job done for Mother Nature). Then the passionate feelings of love gradually subside and evolve into a deeper, long-term attachment.

While you’re ‘in love’, you’re probably blissfully unaware of your relationship bank account. This is because both of you are investing bucketloads of love into the account and, hopefully, not making any withdrawals. But as the in-love feelings begin to wear off and real life intrudes, you become more and more aware that if you want to keep your relationship alive, you’re going to have to work at it.

When Tom and Rose came for counselling, they were surprised to learn they had a relationship account. They knew their relationship wasn’t as healthy as it used to be and that something was missing, something they used to feel really good about. When they found out about the economics of love and discovered their relationship account, they soon realised that they hadn’t made any deposits for a long, long time. They’d got so used to looking after themselves as individuals that they’d stopped looking after their relationship.

Discovering that you’ve got to work at your relationship often comes as a shock, especially if you were lucky enough to have a blissfully romantic phase. But that’s the reality of life. Even if you and your partner are a match made in heaven, you have to do the maintenance down here on planet earth.

When real life kicks in, it puts relationships under pressure. Living together means accepting that neither partner’s perfect. You have to compromise over your differences and tolerate imperfections. Children arrive with their own precious little bundle of stresses, and you’ve got to make a living and run a home. And few people get through life without at least one or two significant heartaches, each of which can take a toll on individuals and have a knock-on effect on relationships.

A happy relationship can be a blissful refuge from the storms of life, but you’ve got to make sure you keep it strong and safe. And to do that, you need to make sure you’re continually investing in your relationship love account.

Making regular deposits

The deposits you make into your relationship account are emotional, and you can convey them in either words or deeds. Each time you say or do something caring for your partner, the account goes up in value. You feel loved, valued and cherished. You can make many of these deposits on a daily basis, but other deposits are bigger investments you make only occasionally or when the need arises.

Daily deposits include things like:

Showing interest when your partner’s talking

Expressing empathy with your partner’s feelings

Demonstrating thoughtfulness with gestures such as making a cup of tea, running a bath or doing an errand

Providing physical affection and comfort

Sharing your thoughts and feelings

Saying ‘I love you’

Cooking a favourite meal

Ignoring your mobile when you’re in a conversation with your partner

Paying your partner a compliment

Agreeing on a common love language

What words and actions say ‘I love you’ to your partner? You have many different ways of showing your partner that you love him, and each way means more to some people than to others.

One trap that many couples fall into is that they show their love in the way that means most to them, rather than the way that means most to their partner. So you may think you’re making regular deposits by saying nice things and showing affection, but what your partner really wants is to spend more time together or have some help with a task.

To clear up confusion, discuss with your partner what makes you feel loved. You may be the kind of person who most appreciates love being shown verbally, when your partner says ‘I love you’ or pays you a compliment. Or you may be someone who loves to receive unexpected gifts: a flower, a card or your favourite bottle of bubbly (bath or otherwise!). Then ask your partner what you can do to show your love in return.

Discovering what each other’s favourite love language is can be a powerful step towards boosting your relationship love account and improving your relationship.

Bigger deposits can be:

Doing something especially thoughtful when your partner’s having a difficult time

Buying a present

Really pushing the boat out to celebrate a special occasion

Going away together to enjoy some quality time

A bigger deposit is any event that really shows your partner how much you love him and boosts your relationship love account.

A healthy sex life is another way in which you build your relationship account. When a couple are able to connect and communicate with each other through their sexual relationship, they create a special and unique bond. Chapters 6 and 7 contain plenty of information on the importance of sex and how to overcome sexual difficulties.

Saving for a rainy day

When a relationship’s going well, you can easily forget to make regular deposits into the love account. The cash flow seems fine, so you stop checking the account balance and start taking each other for granted. But a relationship’s economic climate is an unpredictable one, so you must be ready for a rainy day.

A rainy day can hit a relationship like a bolt out of the blue. The couples who stay close throughout these storms are the ones with a healthy balance in their relationship accounts. A rainy day may be a forced period apart or enduring a particularly stressful time at work. It can be a family crisis, or bereavement or anything else that affects you as a couple. During times like this, you need more support than ever from your partner, but if your account is low, you may find you have little to draw on. So keep topping up your account at every possible opportunity.

Like a financial account, the relationship account can’t have too much in it. I don’t know anyone who thinks they have too much money, and no one’s ever complained of having too much love. You’ve got no reason to stop building on your account. The more you put in, the more resources you have to draw on during difficult times, and the more confident both of you are that your relationship’s strong.

Reaping the rewards of your investment

The relationship love account is a joint account: both partners can make deposits. The great thing about this account is that the more you put in, the more your partner is likely to put in. When you’re nice to someone, the person is generally nice back – you get into a positive upward spiral.

But the rewards are much greater than this. When the balance in your account is healthy, you get on well with your partner. You more easily forgive little grievances and tolerate differences. You’re more likely to compromise with each other and not pick up on minor irritations. In the same way that having a healthy bank balance makes life run more smoothly, having a healthy love account makes a relationship run more smoothly too.

When I see couples who are snapping at each other constantly – couples who are suspicious of one another’s motives and have to question and argue about every tiny little thing the other does – then I know their relationship account is low. Not investing in the love account creates the same kind of tension that you feel when you know you have very little in the bank and you have no reliable income: it’s the emotional equivalent of penny pinching. Couples become increasingly tight.

Make a commitment to start putting a minimum of five deposits every day into your love account. That may be one act of affection, paying a compliment, doing something helpful, smiling when your partner enters the room and giving your partner your full, undivided attention when he speaks.

Making regular deposits into your relationship account is an investment in your happiness today and tomorrow, whatever tomorrow may bring.

How healthy is your love balance?

To find out how good you are at making deposits in your relationship account, ask yourself the following questions:

Am I regularly spontaneous with my affection?

Have I done anything helpful in the last week?

Do I show patience and consideration?

Have I told my partner recently how much I appreciate him?

When was the last time I did something thoughtful and romantic?

Do I make time to share my thoughts and feelings each day?

If answering these questions leaves you feeling your account’s running low, then make a resolution to start making more deposits – today.

Minimising Damaging Emotional Withdrawals

No one’s perfect. Sometimes you say and do hurtful or inconsiderate things that upset your partner. You may do it because you’re angry with him or angry about something else, or because you’re just being thoughtless. Either way, each time you hurt your partner, you’re making a withdrawal from your relationship account.

People often try to kid themselves that the little things they do that upset their partners don’t really matter, but they do. If you continually take money out of a bank account, however small the amount, then you find yourself overdrawn. The same is true of the relationship love account. If you’re regularly taking out more than you’re putting in, then you’re going to end up in debt.

Knowing why little things can hurt so much

People need to know that their partners love them. And the only way you can truly know that is by the way your partner treats you. Simply saying ‘I love you’ isn’t enough – your partner needs to back up the words with actions and behaviours that demonstrate that love.

You know you’re loved when your partner treats you with courtesy and respect, when he enjoys your company and wants to spend time with you, when he shares his life and values your opinions. You feel loved when your partner shows interest in the things that you do, cares about your happiness, is committed to resolving differences and minimising stress, and when he wants to be physically close and tender.

Any action or word that gets in the way of knowing that you’re loved is a withdrawal from the relationship account. It may only be a minor withdrawal, but it takes something away. In the same way as small acts of kindness and consideration build a relationship, small acts of unkindness and inconsideration fracture it.

Couples commonly make withdrawals from their account by being:

Aloof (reluctant to make time to be together)

Critical or sarcastic

Defensive or argumentative

Forgetful

Late

Lazy

Silent or moody

Unaffectionate

Every relationship goes through times when being kind and considerate to your partner is harder, such as when you’re in a particularly difficult life stage like starting a family, moving home, coping with redundancy or adapting to retirement. The additional stress is bound to take its toll, but this is when you need to find extra reserves of attention and affection, not less. Chapter 13 explores these life stages in more depth.

The day-to-day stress of living together can also put a strain on relationships. Most couples fall out, at least occasionally, about issues such as housework, money and children. But finding ways to manage these minor differences can ensure that you’re not depleting your love account. Flick to Chapter 11 for more information and advice on overcoming day-to-day grumbles.

When communication is awkward between a couple and resolving even the smallest of differences feels impossible, the account can begin to dwindle. Discovering how to talk and listen with respect and empathy, and being able to manage conflict in a way that leaves you both feeling you’ve won are essential couple skills. For more on communication and resolving conflict, look at Chapters 8, 9 and 10.

Another common way in which couples make withdrawals is by not acknowledging the deposits their partner is making. If you feel like your relationship is all one-sided, with only one of you putting anything into your relationship account, then you can quickly become resentful. This may be understandable for a short time if one of you is under a lot of external pressure, but if it’s an ongoing pattern in your relationship, then you’re going to run into trouble.

A successful relationship’s about give and take. You both need to be giving equally into your account and be equally committed to minimising any damaging withdrawals.

Increasing awareness of your faults

Some people seem to be naturally good at depositing, while others have a flair for withdrawals – often without even knowing it. If you grew up in a home environment with lots of open love, praise and affection, then showing love and tenderness to your partner probably comes easily. But if you were brought up in a more hostile environment, you may be completely unaware that your withdrawals are bleeding your relationship account dry.

Becoming aware of your faults is essential for improving a relationship. You can’t change unless you know you’re doing something wrong in the first place. In order to do that, you have to make an honest, critical assessment of your faults. And you need your partner to help you. Even if you’re blissfully unaware that you’re making withdrawals, the chances are your partner isn’t. The best way to find out if you’re damaging your relationship without even knowing it is to ask your partner.

Pick a time when you know you won’t be disturbed and simply ask your partner ‘I’d like to know if things I do hurt or offend you, so I can stop doing them.’ Then wait. Depending on your partner, you may not have to wait long, or you may let your partner think about the question for a while and come back to you with a considered answer. If you’re lucky, your partner may only think of one or two things. But even if that’s the case, you’re not quite off the hook yet.

Using the input from your partner, now fill in Table 1-1.

If you have lots of ticks in the ‘often’ and ‘occasional’ boxes, make a concerted effort today to change this behaviour. Parts III and IV can help you.

Another way of becoming more aware of when you may be making withdrawals is to try to tune in to your partner’s moods and body language. Next time your partner goes quiet or snappy for no apparent reason, ask whether you’ve done something to upset him. Or if you see your partner’s eyes roll or glaze over, or he folds his arms or tuts and sighs, rather than shrugging it off as some strange idiosyncrasy of his, check whether something you’ve said or done has triggered the behaviour.

Table 1-1 Facing Your Faults

I Am . . .

Often

Occasionally

Never

Inconsiderate

Unreliable

Unaffectionate

Short-tempered

Critical/sarcastic

Unhelpful

Defensive

Disrespectful

Becoming more aware of your day-to-day faults can be a painful process, but if you’re serious about improving your relationship, you need to overcome these small but powerful irritations.

Accepting your partner’s definition of a withdrawal

What offends one person is water off a duck’s back to someone else. Obviously, exceptions occur to this: few people are totally unbothered if their partner is two hours late without warning and still manages to forget the milk. But many thoughtless words and actions are just that: thoughtless. Or rather, you said and did them because you ‘thought’ it wouldn’t cause a problem.

Many couples live very successfully by the ‘treat others as you want to be treated’ motto. But doing so only works if both of you expect to be treated the same. If sarcasm and teasing were harmless fun in your childhood family, you probably don’t react to them in adulthood and are shocked if your partner goes into a huff. Or if you were brought up in a home with very strict divisions of labour, you may not expect your partner ever to lend you a hand with your chores, and therefore consider as unfair him getting upset when you don’t help them out with his. Nothing’s right or wrong in these matters, just different, but if you want your relationship to improve, your partner’s opinion needs to come first.

If your partner is offended or hurt, no matter what your intention or motivation was, then you’ve made a withdrawal from your account. Whether the same thing the other way around would hurt you doesn’t matter: it hurts him and therefore you need to stop.

One of the most damaging things you can do in a relationship is pretend to yourself that something doesn’t matter, to try to convince yourself that your partner loves you just the way you are, warts and all, and therefore you don’t have to make an effort.

The bottom line is this: if you continue to make damaging withdrawals without making an effort to change, your partner feels taken for granted and unloved. And if your contribution to the relationship account is continually lower than your partner’s, you run the risk of him closing the account altogether.

Avoiding Relationship Bankruptcy

Some things in a relationship equal a massive withdrawal from your relationship account. While thoughtlessness and lack of consideration can slowly drain your account, some things can empty it in an instant. These are the relationship wreckers, the triggers that often send couples to the divorce courts. The good news is that you can avoid them all.

Identifying the relationship wreckers

Many things have changed in relationships over the years. People have new challenges to face, such as having the opportunity to cheat on the internet, and the increasingly difficult balance of work and life. Many couples are going into second relationships with stepchildren in tow, and an increasing number are trying to manage long-distance relationships.

But some things don’t change. No relationship can happily survive without love, trust and respect. These are essential ingredients for a successful relationship, and when you cross the line and walk all over these, you can instantly bankrupt your account and end your relationship.

Here are the seven relationship wreckers to steer well clear of:

Abuse: Whether verbal, emotional or physical, abuse is never okay in a relationship. A relationship must be a safe place where you feel cared for. If either you or your partner is controlling the other with threats, intimidation or manipulation, then at some point the other person is going to call it a day. If any kind of abuse is happening in your relationship, read Chapter 12.

Betrayal: The most common form of betrayal is an affair, although any other major breach of trust counts too. Nowadays an affair can be a physical one or a relationship that one of you built online. Either way, if you or your partner is knowingly doing something that hurts the other, then you run the risk of wrecking your relationship. A relationship can survive an affair, but getting beyond that takes a lot of hard work and heartache, which you should avoid at all costs. Chapter 14 has more on affairs.

Dishonesty: A big difference exists between privacy and secrecy. No matter how close you may be to your partner, you’re still individuals and therefore you’re entitled to some space to yourselves. But if you’re keeping secrets and telling lies, your motivation for keeping things to yourself is to deceive your partner. Honesty is a prerequisite for trust, which is essential in any relationship. If either of you is trying to hide something like an addiction, a bad habit, a friendship or some financial matter, and you have no intention of coming clean, then you’re being dishonest and you’re not being true to your partner.

Jealousy: Jealousy is one of the biggest killers of love. I’ve seen so many couples over the years with happy relationships that have been eaten away by one partner’s inability to trust the other. The root of jealousy is low self-esteem: not being able to accept that your partner loves you and wants you and you alone. If this is a problem for either you or your partner, take a look at Chapter 3 and also Boosting Self-Esteem For Dummies by Rhena Branch and Rob Willson (Wiley). You can also find more on jealousy in Chapter 12.

Possessiveness: Possessiveness often accompanies jealousy, but it can also be a problem in its own right. When one partner treats the other like a possession and feels he has the right to make the decisions about how the other should look, who she should see, where she should go and generally how she should run her life, then you don’t have a relationship of equals. A successful relationship consists of two autonomous individuals who encourage each other to be themselves. If this isn’t happening in your relationship, you’re heading for bankruptcy.

Selfishness: ‘Me first’ attitudes don’t build loving relationships. When you love someone, you put the person’s needs before your own, knowing that that person is doing exactly the same. In this way, you build a relationship of mutual reciprocity, both knowing that you don’t have to fight for your needs to be met. If either you or your partner is more self-centred than couple-centred, then you’ve got the balance all wrong and sooner or later the neglected partner may choose to walk away.

Indifference: This may seem like an odd one to put down as a relationship wrecker, but in my experience as a couple counsellor, indifference kills more relationships than any other single factor. Indifference is when you just don’t care any more. You don’t care whether you argue or whether you don’t. You don’t care whether you spend time together or talk. You don’t even care if your relationship’s going down the toilet. Then you’ve really got major problems. The fact that you’re reading this book hopefully means that you’re not in that place. But if you suspect that your partner is, you’ve got an uphill struggle on your hands.

If any of these relationship wreckers has happened in your relationship, you need to make the decision to face it head on and deal with it immediately. You can continue to deposit positive words and actions into your relationship account and minimise the small, thoughtless withdrawals, but at the same time you need to pull your relationship back from the brink of bankruptcy. Read on to find out how.

Accepting that Snoopy was wrong

Some couples try to stick their heads in the sand, pretending the relationship-wrecking withdrawal from the love account (see the previous section) hasn’t happened and hoping that, in time, they have enough deposits to make up for the deficit. The problem with this approach is that it seriously damages the security of the relationship, because neither partner is ever sure whether the issue is really over or whether it may arise again. You’ve got a whopping great bank charge hanging over your bank account, which can be imposed at any time. One wrong move and the payment’s taken in full, leaving you completely bankrupt.

‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry.’ That may be true if you’re a dog or a cartoon character, but if you’re a human being, living in the real world, wanting your relationship to work, it’s a load of rubbish. The only healthy way to recover from a massive relationship account withdrawal is for the offender to apologise and commit to never doing it again, and for the injured party to try to forgive and move on.

Saying sorry

If you’ve experienced a major withdrawal from your relationship account, the very first thing you need is an apology that:

Is wholehearted

Accepts full responsibility without placing blame or finding excuses

Demonstrates the degree of pain that’s been caused

Shows regret and remorse

If you’re the one who needs to make an apology, choose the timing so that you can have your partner’s undivided attention. Slipping in a ‘by the way, sorry about blah, blah, blah’ as you’re on your way to the shops isn’t enough. You need to find a time when you’re not going to be interrupted, face your partner, give him full eye contact and say ‘I’m sorry.’

As you’re apologising, make clear exactly what you’re apologising for. That should include saying sorry for the offence you’ve committed and saying sorry for the pain you’ve caused. The sentence shouldn’t contain any buts or any attempt to justify yourself or blame the event on someone or something else.

If your partner asks you for an explanation, then provide one. But make sure you give an explanation not a justification. You’re trying to justify yourself if you’re putting the responsibility anywhere else except on yourself, whereas an explanation provides the context but still takes full blame for what happened.

But an apology’s just the start. Saying sorry is meaningless if you continue the offence and don’t follow up with a sincere desire and effort to change.

Committing to change

Repentance is an old-fashioned word that’s generally only used in the context of spirituality. But the English language doesn’t really contain any alternative. To repent means to turn around, to turn your back on what you’ve done and begin to walk in the opposite direction.

If either you or your partner has made a relationship-wrecking withdrawal from your account, you need to turn your back on that behaviour and head in a new direction. You need to commit to change and work at rebuilding the trust in your relationship. This takes time and effort – things that some couples just don’t want to invest. But if you’re serious about improving your relationship, you must commit to never making the same mistake again.

Giving forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t a one-off event but a process, something that often takes a long, long time to complete. It’s not something that you can or should offer glibly, as the effort required is often much greater than you anticipate.

Forgiving your partner for a relationship wrecker isn’t the same as saying that what he did doesn’t matter. And it definitely doesn’t mean saying that the issue’s over and in the past and you won’t ever raise it again. Forgiving means making a decision that you want to move on from something. You want to let go of the pain that’s been caused and not harbour a grudge. But you both need to accept that this takes time and that both of you need to work together to make the process happen – to rebuild your relationship love account to the point where both of you can feel safe and secure again.

Chapter 14 contains much more on forgiveness.

Pulling back from the brink

If your relationship love account is empty, you may be trying to decide whether you have anything left worth fighting for. Deciding whether to end a relationship or work at it is probably one of the most painful and difficult decisions you’ll ever have to make in your life. And it’s a decision that you should take plenty of time to consider.

As well as reading the relevant chapters in this book that relate to the issues that have brought your relationship to where you are, take a look at Chapter 15, which helps you recognise when a relationship is over. But for now, take some time to read through and consider the following:

Is any love left? Love isn’t only something that you feel but also something that you do. Being ‘in love’ is an emotion that waxes and wanes throughout your relationship, but ‘loving’ someone is a conscious decision that you make. Because the feeling of love can change so much, you’re not wise to rely on this for making such a major decision as ending your relationship. But if you both still love each other in a practical sense and are both committed to getting the in-love feelings back, then the time to walk away hasn’t arrived.

Is change possible? If your relationship’s going to get better, you have to know that whatever caused the difficulties can change. Sometimes, good intentions aren’t enough. If you and your partner have repeatedly tried to change your behaviour and failed, then maybe change just isn’t possible. You also need to have a shared commitment to change. If you can’t both agree on what the problem is, you can’t be committed to overcoming it. You have to reach a shared understanding of what’s wrong and a shared goal for the future you want to create together.

Are you too late? Without a doubt, some things do get better with time. Even the most painful betrayals can become less significant in a relationship if you have a willingness to change, forgive and move on. But if the pain hasn’t eased at all or either of you is intent on bearing a grudge forever, then you may be too late. Another sign that you’re too late is if one of you has already embarked on a course of action that excludes the other one. For example, if one of you has already moved out or started another relationship, then even though you haven’t made a verbal decision to end the relationship, it may already be over emotionally.

Can you talk? The bottom line in overcoming any relationship problem is communication. Without the ability to talk, you have no tools to fix it. Part III has lots of advice on improving communication, but if you need more, then do consider relationship counselling. If all that fails and you still feel unable to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that feels okay for both of you, you probably have to face the fact that your relationship is over.

With love, a willingness to change and the ability to talk, you can overcome any relationship problem. And indeed, many relationships that hit rock bottom do pick themselves up and become better than they ever were before. But unfortunately, some relationship love accounts have to go bankrupt before the investors realise what they’ve got to lose.

Chapter 2

Doing a Relationship Inventory

In This Chapter

Recognising the different components of a relationship

Gaining perspective on relationship difficulties

Establishing areas for improvement

Thinking about professional support

Y