Irish Bitches Be Crazy E-Book

Emma Comerford

• Herausgeber: New Island
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Beschreibung

'Getting sex advice from Irish nuns was like getting dental hygiene tips from Shane McGowan . . . ' The journey from Peig Sayers to Miram O'Callaghan has been arduous. In Irish Bitches Be Crazy, Emma Comerford shines her provocative and entertaining light on the sometimes erratic psyche of the modern-day Irish woman. Part exposé, part how-to guide, you will find out about : • how to perform the Walk of Shame with utmost dignity and deal with the ensuing Catholic guilt • how many people you can tell when you're sworn to secrecy • coping with the consequences of an out-of-control hen party • acquiring assertive school gate etiquette • overcoming your Zumba/Pilates/book club antagonists • how alcohol-dependent you and your friends really are. A hilarious mix of wit, razor-sharp observation and self-deprecation, Irish Bitches Be Crazy heralds an exciting new satirical voice and is a must-read for women and men alike!

Leseprobe

Irish Bitches Be Crazy

Emma Comerford

IRISH BITCHES BE CRAZY

First published in 2015 by

New Island Books

16 Priory Hall Office Park

Stillorgan

County Dublin

Republic of Ireland

www.newisland.ie

Copyright © Emma Comerford, 2015

The author has asserted her moral rights.

PRINT ISBN: 978-1-84840-481-6

EPUB ISBN: 978-1-84840-482-3

MOBI ISBN: 978-1-84840-483-0

All rights reserved. The material in this publication is protected by copyright law. Except as may be permitted by law, no part of the material may be reproduced (including by storage in a retrieval system) or transmitted in any form or by any means; adapted; rented or lent without the written permission of the copyright owner.

British Library Cataloguing Data.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

In loving memory of Sarah Monahan, a beautifulIrish woman who, by her very nature, disproved my hypothesis.

Contents

Introduction

1. Virgin Monologues

Coveting

Irish Karma

Witchy Practices

Mickey Dodgers

Celebrity Nuns

2. The Dead

Distracting an Irish Woman

Ireland’s Got Torment

The Big C

The Funeral Coat

Double-handed Handshake

Griefometer

Terminator Housekeeper

The Seasonal C-word

Queen of Busyness

3. The Bold and the Beautiful

Warty Nora

Oxymoron

Home Beauty Practices

Da Bootay

4. The Ballroom of Romance

The Summer of Love

Love and the Land

Matchmakers

Ballroom of Romance

Shifting

Spin the Bottle

Chicken

Truth or Dare

Serious Relationships

Creeping

Sex in the 80s and Beyond

The Walk of Shame

Online Dating

5. The Queen of Quirky

Massive Personalities

Comfortable Silence

Aversion to Compliments

People-Pleasing

Begrudgery

Extreme Slander

Tag Gossiping

Performing Monkeys

6. The Demon Drink

Drunken Behaviour Checklist

Drinking and Catholic Sacraments

The Long March Home

Out on the Town

Marketing Alcohol in Ireland

Call the Authorities

Cultural Norms

7. Irish Women at Play

The GAA

Youthful Hobbies

Hobbies in your Thirties

New Age Spirituality

The Book Club Phenomenon

The Cook Club

No-Frills Hobbies

Fight Club

Social Media

8. The Fabulous Irish Mammy

Proportional Representation of an Irish Mother’s Love

Parenting Styles

The Fabulous Mammy Competition

(Aside) The Third C-word

Criticising an Irish Mammy’s Children

School Gate Etiquette

An Irish Mammy’s Worst Nightmare

Control Freaks

9. An Irish Woman Abroad

Holiday Cottages

Bushtucker Trial

Fáilte Ireland

Holidays Abroad

Camel Toe

The Supermercado

Camel Ride

Holiday Friendships

10. Irish Women: A User’s Manual

Conclusion

Introduction

There is a stereotypical Irish woman that exists in the minds of many. She is oftentimes a Mammy and typically displays the following characteristics: talkative, bossy, jovial, quick-tempered, God-fearing and heavy-drinking. The use of stereotypes is generally considered to be misguided as it often leads to bias. As a nation, the Irish are no strangers to bias and the subsequent discrimination that it generates. Being both Irish and female myself, I decided to embark on a journey of discovery to unearth the true nature of an Irish woman. Following careful analysis, I found that most of the traits attributed to Irish females are, in fact, true. Rather than debunking the myths, I have extended them. Each of the following chapters delves into the essence of an Irish woman, expounding many of the old chestnuts and proposing some new theories.

This pigeonholing is not confined to an Irish woman’s personality traits and can also be applied to an Irish woman’s appearance. What mental image springs to mind when people talk about women from Ireland? Is she represented as a Celtic waif with delicate pale skin and flowing red tresses? Perhaps it is the symbolic earth mother, equipped with massive nurturing breasts and childbearing hips? Is it fuck.

What people the world over envision is a snipey Mrs Doyle type who is small of stature with a narrow face and mousy brown hair. She wears a heavy woollen coat and ugly shoes. Additionally, this generic Irish woman is a heavy drinker who loves to gossip, would sell her firstborn for a bargain and whose capacity for profanity would make a biker blush.

Could these universally held perceptions be correct, and, if so, how did we become like this? What perverse combination of nature and nurture moulded us into this fascinating creature? As a self-appointed agent for Irish women the world over, I attempt to explore the influences of biological and environmental factors that shape an Irish woman’s personality. Complex psychological and sociological issues will be examined, ranging from an Irish woman’s inability to accept compliments to her approach to the book club phenomenon, as well as looking at a number of key indicators, such as how Irish women behave at funerals and their uncomfortable relationship with sex. Many sections contain helpful ‘How to’ guides, which ignore the more traditional cookery and domestic goddess tips and proffer advice to today’s Irish woman on such matters as The Dignified Walk of Shame, and Being Sworn to Secrecy (exactly how many people can you tell?) The book pays special attention to the role played by Catholic propaganda and alcohol in shaping this embodiment of Celtic femininity.

Many Irish women are leading a double life, torn between the old traditional role of an Irish woman and the demands of modern-day society. On the one hand, the female population of Ireland is highly educated and career-driven, yet on the other hand many still attend Mass on a regular basis. Indeed, a recent study on dual-worker households in this country concluded that Irish women are still doing three-quarters of the housework. Furthermore, once their daily professional and domestic duties have been dealt with, they are no longer seeking solace in the form of a nice cup of tea. The new wine culture in Ireland is playing a pivotal role in influencing the drinking habits of the middle-aged Irish female as they are increasingly turning to the grape and consuming wine at home. In tandem, 16% of young Irish women are binge drinking on a weekly basis. Twice as many fights and accidents occur amongst Irish female drinkers than in other countries. All of this brings into question, are they saints, scholars or Cillit Bang™-wielding winos – what does it really mean to be a present-day Irish woman?

Following extensive research, the genesis of this dichotomy became apparent. The journey from Peig Sayers to Miriam O’Callaghan has been arduous for the Irish woman; the struggle to find expression in a patriarchal society, to escape the dominance of the Catholic Church and to control a tendency towards alcohol abuse and other manifestations of low self-esteem. The end result of this pilgrimage is a nation filled with functioning female lunatics. This may come as a surprise as their underlying madness is not immediately apparent. However, once you scratch the surface you will find beneath it a teeming mass of neuroses. This alarming situation is often overlooked as Irish women are also found to be amusing and compassionate, and will frequently distract the casual observer by pumping them full of tea and/or wine before dulling their senses with small talk about the price of houses.

Irish Bitches Be Crazy expounds this theory and offers helpful instructions on the safest way to interact with these erratic yet charismatic individuals.