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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
An exciting, safe, and fun guide to a spicier side of sex
Kink For Dummies is a safe, positive, and easy-to-read roadmap to expanding (and exploring!) your sexual and personal horizons. It walks you through kink basics, shattering stigmas and myths as it goes, and explains how you can integrate these unique-to-you desires into your life using a mutual consent and respect framework.
This book offers you multiple avenues to explore and play with your fantasies and provides step-by-step guidance on communication strategies, practices, and agreements you'll need to understand and implement so you can safely discover what you and your partner(s) enjoy the most.
Inside:
- Straightforward and non-judgmental kink fundamentals, including bondage, role playing, fantasy, domination and submission, and more
- Strategies for overcoming common challenges and fears
- Techniques for finding your community and navigating a kinky lifestyle, regardless of your age
A thrilling and informative exploration of mutually rewarding sexual experiences, Kink For Dummies is a fun and shame-free guide to connecting with your sexuality.
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Seitenzahl: 586
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025
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Kink For Dummies®
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Table of Contents
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
About This Book
Foolish Assumptions
Icons Used in This Book
Beyond This Book
Where to Go from Here
Part 1: Getting Started with Kink Basics
Chapter 1: Introducing … Kink!
Encountering Kink
Creating Your Kinky Life
Dealing with Challenges
Playing for Keeps: Kinky Longevity
Finding Quick Reference Points
Chapter 2: Defining Kink
Knowing Anything Can Be a Kink
Excavating Your Kink Foundations
Chapter 3: Grounding Kink in Consent
Realizing that Consent Is King
Building Consent: The Essentials
Knowing When Consent Is Impossible
Chapter 4: Encountering Kinky Worlds
Trying on Bondage and Discipline
Exploring Domination and Submission
Investigating Sadism and Masochism
Setting Up Role-Play and Fantasy
Investigating Leather
Surveying Other Kinky Possibilities
Part 2: Building Your Kinky Life
Chapter 5: Discovering and Claiming Your Kinks
Letting Yourself Know What You Know
Using Kink Fantasy Writing and Porn
Building on What You Know
Chapter 6: Making Your Own Kink Meaning
Mixing It Up: Attraction, Behavior, and Identity
Creating a Narrative
Kink and Non-Monogamy or Polyamory
Discovering That There Is No Normal
Meaning Happens in Relationship
Finding Meaning Through Research
Chapter 7: Honing Your Communication Skills
Identifying Your Personality Traits
Looking at Your Communication Style
Applying Attachment Theory to Kink Play
Looking Closer at Attachment Styles
Building Trust Is an Attachment Practice
Developing Communication Pathways That Work for Everyone
Chapter 8: Creating Safe and Sexy Kink Agreements
Working with Ground Rules
Creating a Consent Container
Creating Contracts
Dreaming Up Your Kinky Ten
Chapter 9: Developing Great Aftercare Practices
Exploring What Aftercare Delivers
Understanding Why You May Need Aftercare
Figuring Out What You Need
Preparing a Menu for Aftercare
Knowing That Aftercare May Not Work
Part 3: Managing Common Challenges
Chapter 10: Managing Emotional Vulnerability and Risk
Mixing Sex and Kink
Identifying Altered States
Holding Space with Care
Resisting the Critics
Chapter 11: Navigating Kink as a Trauma Survivor
Understanding How Trauma Impacts Your Life
De-escalating Your Responses
Drawing on Kink as a Way to Heal
Honoring Your Story
Chapter 12: Working Out Struggles in Kink Relationships
Asking Yourself
Why Now
Managing Asymmetrical Needs Around Kink
Operating with Intention
Investigating a Third Way
Taking a Communications Inventory
Owning and Rejecting Jealousy
Creating Support Versus Judgment
Coming Back from Broken Trust
Recovery Is Possible
Distinguishing Between Relationship Troubles and Abuse
Part 4: Living Your Best, Sustainable Kinky Life
Chapter 13: Finding Kink Community and Great Play Spaces
Getting Online
Getting Offline
Fighting the Nerves
Chapter 14: Coming Out Kinky
Coming Out Is a Process
Coming Out to Yourself
Considering a Scene Name
Being Out Isn’t the Same Risk for Everyone
Building Community: The Joy of Coming Out
Traveling the Long Road Together
Chapter 15: Adapting Over Your Long Kinky Life
Shifting Physical and Emotional Capacities
Coping with Libido Changes
Living with a Disability in Kink Life
Dealing with Sexuality and Gender Shifts
Part 5: The Part of Tens
Chapter 16: Ten Hallmarks of a Vibrant Kink Sexuality
Your Process of Self-Discovery Is Never-Ending
You’re Acquiring Communication Skills and Kinky Tools
You Have at Least One Supportive Friend or Kink Confidante
You Have Found Kink Resources and Community
You Can Go Through Changes Without Debilitating Distress
You Have Clarity Around Your Boundaries
You’re Experimenting with Your Kink Desires
You’re Keeping Your Agreements
Your Life Is Working
You Feel Joyful, Curious, and Cherished Much of the Time
Chapter 17: Ten Things to Help You Build Your Best Kinky Scenes
Fill Out a YES, NO, MAYBE List
Set Your Safeword
Get Online
Get Offline
Find Your Location, Location, Location
Volunteer
Consider Equipment
Make a Hydration Plan
Make an Aftercare Plan
Keep an Open Mind
Chapter 18: Ten Kinksters in History
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
James Joyce
Seiu Ito (伊藤晴雨)
Theresa Berkley
Jean-Jacques Rousseau
María Getrudis Arévalo
Betty Paërl
Queen Nzinga of Ndongo and Matamba
Empress Wu Zetian (武則天)
Enheduanna
Chapter 19: Ten (or so) Contemporary Kink Trailblazers
Midori (美登里)
Guy Baldwin
Li Yinhe (李银河)
Mollena Williams-Haas
Dorothy Allison
Ignacio Hutía Xeiti Rivera
Carol Queen
Susie Bright
Selogadi Mampane
Eric Rofes
Tyler McCormick
V. M. Johnson
Naria Lei B. Jordan
Appendix A: Glossary
Appendix B: Resources
Movies
Television
Podcasts
Fiction
Nonfiction and Memoir
Kinky Playlist
Apps and Resource Sites
Advocacy and Support Organizations
Social Groups
Events and Contests
Resorts
Help Surviving Violence or Abuse
Index
About the Authors
Connect with Dummies
End User License Agreement
List of Tables
Chapter 4
TABLE 4-1 Hanky Codes
Chapter 5
TABLE 5-1 Desire Inventory
TABLE 5-2 A Desire Inventory with Hidden Desires
Chapter 11
TABLE 11-1 Tracking Your Trauma
List of Illustrations
Chapter 4
FIGURE 4-1: Breaking down BDSM’s three major categories.
FIGURE 4-2: Fuzzy handcuffs.
FIGURE 4-3: Simple wrist tie.
FIGURE 4-4: Basic mask.
FIGURE 4-5: Classic ball gag.
FIGURE 4-6: Confinement cage.
FIGURE 4-7: Classic paddle.
FIGURE 4-8: Cuffs to immobilize.
FIGURE 4-9: Assorted whips and paddles.
FIGURE 4-10: A typical Saint Andrew’s Cross.
Chapter 7
FIGURE 7-1: The 16 MBTI types.
FIGURE 7-2: Autism, ADHD, Giftedness Venn diagram.
Chapter 8
FIGURE 8-1: Sample kink contract.
Chapter 11
FIGURE 11-1: My pod map.
Chapter 15
FIGURE 15-1: Tracking Your Desire Spectrum.
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Begin Reading
Appendix A: Glossary
Appendix B: Resources
Index
About the Authors
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Kink For Dummies®
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2025946581
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Introduction
While kink is often portrayed as some kind of seedy, underground way of life, the truth is that there is a vibrant world of kinksters of all ages, races, genders, sexualities, and passions thriving all across the globe — in every culture, language, and religious and political environment.
Kink is common. Kink is intense! Kink is fun and enlivening.
And, it’s been around for centuries. You can find evidence of kink relationships in ancient literature and art, and you can also decide to embrace kink in this moment. It’s up to you to decide the meaning and place of kink in your life. We’re assuming that’s the journey you are on and why you picked up this book, and for certain — that’s why we’re writing it.
Because kink has been very meaningful in our lives for decades, we’re excited to bring the experience of several of our kinky friends, loved ones, and colleagues to illuminate possibility for you. We hope to ease the path of discovery for anyone struggling with the swirl of tensions and contradictions that emerge when you consider pursuing your kinky desires.
Why does anyone engage in kink intimacy and connection given the widespread social stigma you are likely to encounter? What’s the big attraction, and why would you take on that risk?
This book helps answer these core questions and hundreds more on a path to figuring out whether engaging in kink play — or drawing on kinky desire to build your most treasured, intimate relationships — is right for you.
About This Book
Kink For Dummies is for everyone on the journey to affirming and pursuing your deepest desires, even if they seem strange or perplexing. Kink longings often don’t match up with the press-release or resumé version of yourself, and that can be unsettling for kinksters at the outset of your kink exploration. Don’t worry about this!
Upending your assumptions, dislodging your prejudices and fears, recreating your story of you as a desiring and desirable being — all of these are common steps in a kink discovery process. We’re here for you, and so are 24 of our most brilliant and amazing collaborators, whose kink lives form a wild and woolly tapestry of passion, creativity, and commitment.
Together, we will address some of your big kink questions, such as:
What does it even mean to be kinky?
Is this desire that I want to pursue so much a kink?
How will I find others who want the things I want?
How do I talk to potential crushes or to my partner about this?
How do I make sense of this desire and fit it into the rest of my life?
What do I need to know to experiment, to try this out — safely?
How can I do this if I’ve survived abuse or violence in my life?
Who can I turn to for support?
Where can I find other kinksters and places to learn?
What do I need to think about to have kink desire and play be sustainable over the long haul?
How do I protect myself from the judgment of others?
We spend a lot of time in this book outlining practices of consent, safety, and care — not because kink involves widespread abuses, as is commonly charged. Actually, it’s just the opposite.
Consent, safety, and care are cornerstone values in kink communities. By foregrounding and committing to expansive practices of consent, safety, and care, you literally have the room to try out the wildest and edgiest fantasies you can imagine. And you can do so within a community of people who are committed to ensuring that you have a safe and pleasurable experience.
Note:Kink For Dummies is a book about kink desire and relationships among consenting adults, and the ways they relate intimately and sexually. Many of the terms in this book clearly delineate sexual practices, experiences, and characteristics. Please proceed accordingly.
Foolish Assumptions
While writing this book, we made the following assumptions about you, dear reader:
You may be struggling or feel alone in your process of understanding and pursuing your desire, so we’ve written this book in the voice of an affirming companion for your journey.
You’re curious but maybe daunted too. So, we’ve provided many self-reflective exercises and lists of tips and tools that will help guide your discovery process.
You’re ready to reject any kind of fundamentalism or orthodoxy that keeps you from finding meaning in your life. Accordingly, you may need to turn down the volume from a lot of outside noise — even when it comes from people who love you.
You need more support. So we’ve provided multiple strategies and resources for finding like-minded explorers, experienced practitioners, new crushes, and future loved ones.
If there’s one thing we hope you get from this book it’s this: you are the expert on you — not us or anyone trying to sell you an off-the-shelf “fix” for your life. If we do our job right, you’ll find a lot of accessible tools here so you can figure out what you really want, and how you want to build intimacy and relationships that matter.
Icons Used in This Book
This icon highlights information that deserves special attention.
This icon gives you great ideas to consider and reinforces an important point.
This icon cautions you about bad thinking and roadblocks on your journey to self-discovery.
This icon introduces an interactive exercise that can help you figure out what your needs, values, desires, and next steps may be.
This icon introduces a personal story or example from one of the experienced kink contributors in our network of sex educators, activists, and kink enthusiasts.
Beyond This Book
Kink For Dummies is full of easy-to-digest information, analysis, self-reflection exercises, and resources about kink. But there’s even more information available online! Just go to www.dummies.com and search for “Kink For Dummies Cheat Sheet” for additional support on your journey.
Where to Go from Here
If you’re completely new to all of this, Welcome! We’re so excited for you! This book is written for beginners, so just start with the first part of the book and find context, definitions, core ideas, and reflection exercises. These chapters cover so much ground, even seasoned kinksters will find new insights and helpful tips. If you get confused by any terms, go to the Glossary (see Appendix A) at the back of the book for help.
If you’re already exploring kink, use the Table of Contents or index to find the topics you really want to know more about. Appendix B has some additional references, websites, and places to go from here. Get help on the issues that matter the most to you right now as you create an intimate life that is meaningful to you.
Remember to breathe. Thinking about kink desire and kinky play can go against a lot of foundational ideas in families and religious traditions. It can draw big reactions from your friends, lovers, or partners. But give yourself a break!
It’s okay to question things — even big, fundamental things. It’s okay to be curious and to seek information, supportive conversation, and resources as you figure out how to pursue lust, connection, and meaning in your life.
Part 1
Getting Started with Kink Basics
IN THIS PART …
Understand what people mean when they say they are kinky.
Delve into your sex and desire history to investigate your potential kinks.
Examine the foundational history and consent practices in kink communities.
Sift through the endless kink forms and practices kinksters engage in to find what interests you.
Chapter 1
Introducing … Kink!
IN THIS CHAPTER
Knowing why you are here
Using this book as a launch pad for self-discovery
Getting excited about your journey into kink
How to give kink an introduction worthy of its charms?
For some, kinky play offers a nearly spiritual portal to ecstatic joy; for others, it’s a space to unleash your most degenerate, debauched self; and for still others, kink provides a place to release grief, heal, and build intimacy. Kink can be all of these things at different times, and more.
The purpose of this book is to help you discover what kink can be for you. It’s chock-full of self-reflective exercises, checklists, assessments, tips, definitions, and even some great kink history. This mix of tools and stories should help you consider why your curiosity made you pick up this book, and what kinky experiments you may want to try. Here’s a simple breakdown of the book so you can see what may be most useful to you on your kink discovery path.
Encountering Kink
The first part of Kink For Dummies will answer many of your basic questions. What do people mean when they say they are a Dom? What is a “praise kink”? Do Leather people actually wear leather all the time? What gives?
EMBRACE THE CHAOS
Most people want their public presentation, their inner selves, and their sexual lives to align in a logical fashion that creates a tidy narrative, but this is seldom the case. It’s rarely true for people who are not kinky, and we dare say it’s almost never true for kinksters. Kinky lusts and desires do not cut a linear path to your identity and public life. Kinky sensual and sexual desire is unruly.
Partly, this is because you — all of us — live in a society that is unpredictable and confusing, so your unconscious is trying to make sense of it all. Your kink desire is your innermost platform to reconcile the unreconcilable, and to experience joy and connection regardless of the many forces trying to sever connection and isolate you.
And partly, this is because sex and intimacy are chaotic places of imagination, self-expression, and yearning. That is the mystery and joy of it so just embrace the chaos.
There are endless kink terms and practices to discover in the first four chapters of the book. You can just wander through these definitions and descriptions, or you can use them as a jumping-off point for deeper discovery. Take it all in, but don’t think of it as the final word.
The magic of kink life is that new practices, new scenes, and new terminologies are constantly emerging.
One year a great film about tickling comes out and the community is awash in ticklers; the next, pup-play nights take over popular Leather bars and a million more kinksters are sporting pup hoods at events (see Chapter 4). This is the expansive and malleable nature of kink.
Creating Your Kinky Life
In Part 2 of this book, you can start to determine what kink means to you, personally, and what communication and relational skills you may need to develop to enjoy your kink desires.
In Chapter 6, for example, you’ll get help addressing common questions: How do I reconcile my values for equality and respect with my desire to hurt or be hurt by my partners? How do I separate (or integrate) my identity at work or at home, with this person I want to become in kinky scenes?
I WISH I HAD SLOWED DOWN A BIT
For my start in kink, I would like to have spent more time listening to my body and really learning about the stoplight system (see Chapter 8) and making sure that I had greater degrees of trust with the people that I was exploring with. I realized that going slow is important, and that the concept that taking more pain makes you a better masochist is absolutely false. I’ve gotten past not wanting to disappoint people, now feeling connected with my own needs and directly expressing my boundaries. If I had a do-over, I would have liked to slow down my exploration at large.
Along my journey, I learned that you can use tools like spreadsheets to make things structured and clear! I was relieved to learn that you can have a spreadsheet for anything you want to try. There is so much ambiguity around what different roles can entail, and I wish I had given myself the space to learn in a more structured way earlier on. —Gina
And then, in Chapter 7, you can analyze your strengths and weaknesses as a communicator and think through what new skills you may want to develop. Co-creating consent and kinky scenes are discussed in Chapter 8, which includes a detailed checklist so you can explore your wildest fantasies inside a safe(r) container of your own making.
Dealing with Challenges
In Chapters 10 through 12, you can find very specific resources and ideas from our experienced kink contributors about how to manage emotional vulnerability and navigate common relationship challenges like jealousy and conflicting desires in your partnerships. If you are a trauma survivor, there’s a whole chapter dedicated to sifting through what you may need to explore kink safely and get what you want. All relationships are work. And in kink scenes and relationships, the stakes are high to communicate well and care for your partners because some of the activities you engage in involve heightened emotional and physical risks.
I think my superpower as a kinkster is that I keep letting people know when I’m struggling. I keep asking for help. I keep saying what I don’t know. I use my safewords. I tap out when I’m overwhelmed. So, it feels like my kink life keeps expanding. It’s a lot to juggle. But I’m always growing. I’m always learning more. —Anonymous
Playing for Keeps: Kinky Longevity
If you are fortunate to have a long-term relationship with kink, you’ll go through many changes. You’ll have to decide what social spaces align best with your kink temperament and needs. You’ll have to navigate how public or private you want to be in your kink life. The kinds of kink you desire and pursue will likely morph and change over decades. What your body is capable of enacting will change. The meaning of kink intimacy with your partner or partners will grow, stretch, or contract with all of the life events that you go through together. In Part 4 of the book, you can look at how the unfolding of your life and your kink needs line up and diverge.
Finding Quick Reference Points
The chapters in Part 5 offer some great quick references for your kink journey, including rich insights and information at a glance. We answer questions like, what are the foundations of a great scene? What does a vibrant kink sexuality or relationship look like for me? And lastly, who are some amazing kinksters in history and in the present?
Your best partner in kink discovery is your curious, adventurous self. Try to free yourself from judgment and fear. Find a discovery buddy — a friend or social group — to experiment with and confide in. See Chapter 13 on getting out there and Appendix B, which offers a lot of kink resources that can help you along the way.
OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE
Rox and I are coming up on our 18th anniversary. And I said, Oh, does that mean our relationship gets the vote now? Like is our relationship finally “adult” at 18? I was joking, but also, there has been a real trajectory, like babyhood into adolescence into becoming more knowledgeable about ourselves and each other at the 18-year mark.
I think that there's a delicacy, especially when you're in long-term relationship with somebody around just recognizing that each other are human and that our bodies are sometimes not cooperative. And I think there’s tenderness and beauty around giving each other grace around that and knowing that we change. —Anna
JUMP IN
Kink is the biggest umbrella where you show up and you show out — like bring all your things. It’s like Yahtzee. You drop all the things in there, shake up the cup, and whatever falls out, you win! You get to gravitate toward …
There’s freedom in even believing that you think that you can jump into that, whatever the that is. The chaos and unpredictability. That’s no sh** — your biggest leap. —M’Bwende
Our bottom-line belief — the one that motivated us to write this book — is this: Everyone needs and deserves joy, intimacy, and connection.
Kink is an anarchic, unrestrained conductor of all of these. If you are here to figure out what kink might bring to your life, welcome to the journey.
Chapter 2
Defining Kink
IN THIS CHAPTER
Exploring kink concepts
Starting your unique kink discovery process
Looking for clues to your kinks
What does it mean to be kinky or to have a kink? By definition, a kink suggests there is a bend in the works, somewhere. When applied to your desire, having a kink means there’s likely a twist to your sexuality — that somewhere in there, you want something that is seen as not traditional or customary. You can consider that to be your starting point.
There are seemingly endless variations in the ways kinksters (kinky people) live out their sexualities and their kink expression. In this chapter, we discuss the basics of kink so you can consider how your desires align with or depart from this intense world of intimacy and relationships.
Knowing Anything Can Be a Kink
A kink may be a desire that seems so far-fetched or different that you feel the need to hide, or sugar-coat, or even deny it among people you care about because you are afraid of what they might think. If you’re worried you might be stigmatized or shunned at home, at work, or in your friend group because of how you want to connect intimately, it’s likely that you have a kink.
But regardless of what others might think:
A kink is a desire or set of activities that have a magnified impact on you emotionally or sexually, propelling you into a heightened state of arousal and vulnerability. People often describe their first encounter with kink desire as overwhelming or consuming.
Beyond this basic idea of a kink as an enthralling quirk in the world of sex and pleasure, how do you distinguish your kinks from your other desires? And why are they so compelling?
Stepping into the kink universe
While many kinks have become widely known in popular culture — such as a desire to be tied up, or an urge to psychologically dominate a partner, others are much more obscure or undiscussed.
The following checklist of some common kinky desires that novices in the kink world might share with each other by way of introduction, or when attempting to discover whether your kinks are compatible.
KINK
DO IT TO ME
I WANT TO DO IT TO YOU
Make me follow your rules
Gag me
Yell at me
Control my orgasms
Handcuff me or tie me up
Spank me
Role-play with me
Hurt and then comfort me
Tickle me
Play my Daddy or Mommy
Keep me as your puppy or pet
Call me names, humiliate me
Worship my feet
Force me to dress a certain way
Blindfold me
It doesn’t matter if the compelling desire you’ve discovered is something other people know or talk about. What matters is that it’s meaningful to you and might be something you want to explore with others. Chapter 5 takes you on a much more in-depth discovery process with your kinks.
Distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy desires
Take a breath. If you’ve been hiding a desire that is on this checklist, or maybe isn’t on the checklist, but now feels possible to think about it — you may be activated. This means that your heart might be racing, and you might feel frozen, or a need to flee. Just breathe. It’s okay to want what you want.
The good news is, no matter how isolated you feel about your desires, there are people out there who share your kink interests. It’s not the content of your kink that determines its value or propriety. It’s what it means to you that matters (see Chapter 6).
Consent is the critical hinge that differentiates healthy kinks from problematic or damaging kink practices. For example, consensual pain may be mutually pursued and enjoyed among kink playmates and is the polar opposite of harm. Harm comes from having acts imposed upon you, your agency stolen, and your trust and your body violated.
In Chapter 3, we describe what consent and mutual respect look like in kink relationships, so you can figure out what you need to do or say in order to engage wholeheartedly and safely in any of your kink desires.
The important thing to note is: you are in charge. You can enjoy any of the activities listed here — and literally hundreds of others not listed — in your mind, in your private fantasy life. This is a kink path that many people choose to create tremendous joy and pleasure in their lives.
DON’T YUCK MY YUM
An important value in kink communities is: Don’t yuck my yum. If someone else’s kink doesn’t interest you — or seems disturbing — it’s not for you. Move along. Find people who share your kinky interests and do what you love. But don’t judge others for desires that seem peculiar or distasteful to you. Because the last thing you (or anyone) needs is that boomerang of judgment and disdain to fly back around at you.
SLEEPING BEAUTY WILL HAVE TO WAIT
The first time I fantasized about mixing sedatives and sex was when I was watching Sleeping Beauty, not the fairy tale, but the 2011 Australian film about a woman who takes a strong sedative to work in a brothel. There was something intoxicating for me about that level of relinquishment — the idea of being utterly passive, of giving up control so fully that she became an object of someone else’s desire, a doll, a dream.
I came close to making this fantasy real. I had a plan, a friend I sort of trusted, a tiny pill that would send me sinking into a soft, compliant darkness. But when the moment arrived, apprehension coiled in my belly. Mixing sedatives and play — it felt like crossing a threshold I wasn’t ready to experience. I imagined the weightlessness, the quiet inside my mind, the absence of expectation or shame, and still, I hesitated. I knew the danger wasn’t just chemical; it was in trusting someone to hold that kind of power over me. So, I let the fantasy stay a fantasy, tucked safely in the space between dreams and waking. —Tia
Some people live full kinky lives on their own, in their fantasies. And if you decide that you want to take your kink desires out, beyond the confines of your imagination and your solo practices, into the world of kinky humans around you, there are all kinds of tips and resources to help you do this to your maximal delight and safety.
So, again, just breathe. You get to decide. No one else.
Connecting to formative experiences or unconscious shame
In decades past, kinky desires were often seen as wholly pathological. Kinky people — who we often refer to as kinksters — had to hide their desires and seek partners in various underground ways. Through word of mouth or community newsletters, people passed locations for kink cruising, bars where kink activities were supported, and community gathering spaces.
The problem with desires and communities that are suppressed or hidden is that they often pushed people into the realm of deep shame as they pursued romantic and sexual partners, and this left them vulnerable to predators who could blackmail or otherwise attempt to control them. All of this forced a lot of harm onto kinky people which then circulated in kink communities — further stigmatizing kink expression.
Suppression can also amp up the desire for a kink. Shame can contribute to compulsive thinking about kinks, and compulsive behaviors as well.
A very good reason to bring your kinks into the light, to name them and consider them in community, is to grow your self-esteem and your sexual and intimate health. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be intimate in ways that are out of the ordinary to some people. As long as you are not harming yourself, and are showing respect and care to others, you can fantasize or do whatever you want.
There’s a world of difference between building your life in a state of shame and exploring how to play with feelings of shame in kinky space. The first is corrosive and endangering, and the second can be paradoxically liberating (much more on this in Chapter 6).
Today, kink is everywhere. You can find it in popular TV shows and on dating profiles in many dating apps. The very good news is that kink has come out of the shadows — there is a vast community of kinksters to find, and you can decide how open and visible you want to be as a kinky person.
And yet — there is still a lot of judgment out there.
You might decide to keep this part of your life private from extended family and coworkers (see Chapter 14 on Coming Out). Kink practices often call up and expose your most vulnerable self — and you can decide who, when, and how you want to bring people into this part of your life.
Excavating Your Kink Foundations
When Jaime was coming into her own kink expression, she kept wondering: Why are these desires so powerful? Why do they feel like nothing else in my life? Why am I so ashamed of them? In this section, you can start to explore these questions for yourself.
Giving yourself the space for discovery
Many of Jaime’s coaching clients create a dedicated space for their kink explorations. We suggest you do the same as you make your way through the book. If you are struggling with shame or obsessive thinking around your kinks, a designated space can provide a container for you to open and close and might make this exploration and your experience of these desires more manageable. A digital file or old-school journal that you keep in a special drawer sends a message to your struggling self. Like — oh, there’s this safe space for all of these thoughts and wants. I can always come here when I need to, and I can also leave them here and go live my life.
Creating a dedicated space for this work makes you the boss of this exercise, no one else. It can help you appreciate your own agency and personal power as you start to consider how you want to build your kinky connections and practices.
KINK DISCOVERY. Find a quiet private space for reflection. Get comfortable. Create an opening for you to discover more about your pleasure. In this exercise, let yourself revel in your kinky feelings and thoughts. Focus on a kink interaction that you fantasize about. Or you might want to center your thoughts on something you have read or a kink scene in a movie that has stayed on your mind. Answer these questions:
What is happening in your kink fantasies or in these situations you observed?
Who would
you
like to be in these scenarios?
What happens to you emotionally when you connect or observe someone connect this way?
What happens physically?
What parts of yourself come alive in your kink scenarios that are buried in the sexual or intimate life you are living?
How is this version of yourself different from the you that walks around in the world every day?
What might your life be like if you embraced these desires and allowed yourself the space to celebrate this version of yourself?
Write, write, write. Don’t edit. Let yourself know more about your kinky feelings and potential. Let yourself stretch out into this part of yourself.
When you’re done writing, close up your file or book and put it away. Return to it after you complete the Kink Detective exercise later in the chapter.
Over many years, Jaime has explored her kink desires through answering similar questions (because geeking out is one of her kinks; see Appendix A). She has been able to satisfy her curiosities about the role and meaning of kink in her life.
Many people have kink desires that are fantasies or practices that originate in profound formative relationships and experiences in their own lives. They also often connect to present-day pressures and constraints. Sometimes Jaime can draw a direct line from her kink to that experience — like the idealization of an authority figure in her childhood — and sometimes not. In the nearby sidebar, for example, Naria talks about the origins of her identification as a kink Daddy (see Appendix A).
Your kink desires may have formed as a response to the structures of social constraint and control around you in your family and society. For some people, it’s their church; for others, an overbearing parent, partner, or boss. Kink expression is your way of surviving these pressures and pushing back on them, or insisting on yourself.
MAYBE I SHOULD BE YOUR DADDY
At a play party once, I had vice grips on my play partner Sara’s nipples, pulling her toward me. She moaned, “Oh, Daddy …” and I was caught completely off-guard. My body knew something before my mind caught up.
“But I’m not your Daddy,” I teased, somewhere between amused and surprised. Sara leaned in and said: “Well, maybe you should be …”
It was like someone flipped a switch inside me. The moment hit like a bolt of lightning, my whole body vibrating with the force of it. Everything I thought I knew about myself rearranged in an instant. I was a Daddy. And it felt like coming home.
For me, being a Daddy was never just about power dynamics or play — it was an extension of something deeply personal. My Daddy persona became an homage to the greatest man I’ve ever known: my father.
My Dad was the kind of man people gravitated toward. Sweet, kind, affectionate, and devoted to his family. He had a wicked sense of humor, progressive politics, and was the first male Feminist I ever met — long before the word was widely used. He and my mom shared a love that was passionate, playful, equal, and deeply respectful. He was my hero, my anchor, my role model.
A couple of days before my dad passed, he gave me a gift I will cherish forever. He and my mom had always supported my BDSM (see Chapter 4) identity and my activism in the Leather community, and in those final days, he looked at me with that familiar twinkle in his eye and said:
“You’re a very good Daddy — to your wife, your partner, and to your son. I see how your family and friends love, respect, and trust you.”
I carry those words with me every single day. —Naria
Sometimes the way that push-back forms seems logical — like, I’m tired of being pushed around by bullies, so I want to play at being a dominant or a “bully” in my kink life. Another common avenue for a bullying kink to develop may be — I observed another person being bullied in a movie or on the playground when I was young, and I became surprisingly aroused thinking of myself as the bully, and it stuck.
Sometimes, the opposite happens, and you may find that you’ve developed a kink that centers on your internalized vulnerability of being bullied, and you want to find a partner who will — lovingly and carefully — play at bullying you, in the manner you endured as a child, or saw in that movie, or are even experiencing in the present — perhaps at work.
Some kinksters will find themselves flipping back and forth between these two polarized roles, absorbing their exposure to bullying, and the erotic charge it created, by developing a flexible or versatile kink embodiment of the bully over time.
Transformative re-enactments are a staple of kinky life.
So many people have survived a vast array of harms — from being bullied as in the previous scenario, to being assaulted physically or sexually; displaced from home due to war or economic distress; humiliated by authoritarian control by a boss or the police; marginalized due to neurodivergence or mental illness; or shunned by family members or peers.
Kink expression can be a vehicle for working through devastating experiences by turning them on their head, transforming the echoes or remnants of harm into a source of pleasure and connection.
This is where some of the controversy around kink arises, and why for years mainstream psychological theory cast all kink expression as pathological. Like many early psychological theories — such as women are “too emotional to be leaders” or LGBTQ+ people “are sick” — kink pathologization has been widely discredited, and many psychologists now understand kink practices as offering underappreciated, creative paths to vibrant intimate connection and healing. You can explore more about this in Chapter 11.
I SAW THE BAG OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE
At a Leather festival, I once saw a Dom put their sub into a black leather full-body restraint device that many people refer to as a “sleep sack” but I call a body bag.
I felt an immediate pull, but it wasn’t until a decade later that my desire to buy one hit its peak. At that time, the amount of responsibility I was carrying in my professional life had spiked, and along with that came an increased desire for me to give up control in my sex life.
I had a friend with an experienced Dom partner who I played with. Sometimes he would spank me or slap me around, and then after we both orgasmed, he would play ambient music, put me in the body bag, and then leave me alone in the room with the lights off for an unspecified amount of time he would determine without informing me.
It was the best feeling. Not having any option to do anything other than breathe and relax allowed me to let go at a level I had never been able to achieve before. I live with chronic anxiety that I treat with a daily medication that really helps, but still leaves me with higher-than-average anxiety.
One thing I know being restrained does for me is that it keeps me off my phone. I check it all day long and sometimes it serves up something that connects me to my hobbies and my joy. But I never know when it might also bring a professional e-mail that spikes my anxiety. When I first bought the body bag, I was receiving e-mails all day and night from people above me in the hierarchy of the company who expected swift and thorough responses, regardless of whether it was during normal working hours. My Dom and the body bag freed me from all of that. —Jack
You may or may not know — or want to know — where your kinks come from. That’s okay. You don’t need to know. All you have to do is figure out whether pursuing kinky connection is something you want or need to feel true to yourself in your intimate life. And, as you read this book, we hope you come to understand that whatever your kink, you’re not alone. Many others have fixated or settled on the specific kink desire that you may be interested in. It’s possible to find community and partners, if that is what you want to do.
I SHOULDN’T WANT WHAT I WANT
As a feminist, for many years I denied my kinky desires for submission. I had been disowned as a young person for being a lesbian — out on my own in my early 20s, always in charge at work, living solo, determined to make my way. I longed for some place to give up control and to have someone else take over and take care of me. But I thought this was wrong, a sign of weakness or internalized sexism. And then I found a few incredibly attentive lovers who let me share this vulnerable side of myself. And I discovered that my fears had just been unfounded. Instead of disrespecting me, these partners accepted my submission as a sacred gift. They treasured me, in and out of the bedroom. And while I had worried that pursuing these desires might disassemble me psychologically, it turned out that submitting in bed gave me more strength in my daily life. I was actually better at standing up for myself in my friendships, my family of origin, and at work. —Jaime
Many people enjoy their kinks without thinking too deeply about where they come from or what they mean. But in Jaime’s coaching practice, she finds that many clients experience “not-knowing” or the un-excavated origins or meanings of their kinks to be a barrier to their pleasure and self-discovery. So in this book, we offer a lot of different activities for you to figure out as much about your kinks as you like.
KINK DETECTIVE. In this exercise, you can start to consider how your kink desires connect to your formative and ongoing experiences of enduring various pressures and constraints. You’ll reflect on formative and present-day experiences that:
Have an idealized person or quality to them.
Have a possible shame component.
Have or are constraining you, tearing you down, or making you feel ashamed or less-than.
Take notes, don’t edit, and write knowing you never have to show these to anyone else.
IDEALIZATION DISCOVERY
Think about who you idealized as a child, and ask yourself the following questions:
What were their characteristics?
Do you remember an experience of interacting with them while they were being powerful or beautiful or overwhelmingly amazing?
How did you feel around them?
Did you want to become them?
Did you want them to love you more?
Did they love you the most and idolize you?
Did they ignore or dismiss you?
Write about the atmosphere, feelings, sounds, and colors you associate with this idealization.
Similarly, do you have someone you idealized as a young adult or currently? (Or perhaps a book or movie character left a significant erotic imprint on you.) Ask yourself the following questions:
What are their characteristics?
Do you remember an experience of interacting with them while they were being powerful or beautiful or overwhelmingly amazing?
How did (or do) you feel around them?
Do you want to become them?
Did (or do) you want them to love or respect you more?
Do they love or respect you the most and idolize you?
Do they ignore or dismiss you?
Write about the atmosphere, feelings, sounds, and colors you associate with this idealization. Include who you get to become around this person.
FEAR, SHAME, OR HUMILIATION DISCOVERY
Think about a formative or young adult incident of fear, shame, or humiliation that has stayed with you. This may have involved the way someone related to you or involved seeing or reading something that caught your attention.
What were the characteristics of these people or this connection?
How did you feel when it happened?
Did you want to please the perpetrator in the scenario?
Did you want to harm them? Did you want them to love you more?
What kind of power did they have over you, and how did they wield it?
Remember what it was like during that time. Write about the atmosphere, feelings, sounds, and colors you associate with this fear or shaming situation. Write and put yourself back there.
When you finish your Kink Detective notetaking, pull out your Kink Discovery exercise earlier in this chapter and look at them side by side. Ask yourself:
How do these discovery processes fit together?
How do these exercises echo or call out to each other?
How do compelling formative experiences or your daily strains and stressors inform your kink desires or needs?
Write, write, write — and don’t edit! This activity will help you understand more about your foundational kink nature and appreciate the specific pathways to your kink pleasures. Everything doesn’t have to fit like a matchy-matchy suit. Look at atmospheric connections, search for tensions and contradictions in each situation. Examine your story for possible clues about your marvelous kinky potential.
Zeroing in on some kink truths
People who are new to kink can find themselves in a jumble of new ideas, and seemingly contradictory or confusing language. It can be hard to figure out standard ways to talk about or consider various ideas and possibilities. One reason for this is because kink worlds are so layered and complex, two people may experience the same set of kink experiences quite differently. One person’s way of talking about a desire or way of being may be the opposite of another’s.
This complexity may be confusing for you as you embark on your kink journey. Absorbing the vast field of kink play can be overwhelming and possibly lead you away from things you already know — from your own internal sense of self or your intuition.
For example, many people consider kink and sex to be the same thing, but many kinksters have a thriving kink life that involves great vulnerability and closeness with their play partners, but no sex — and by that, I mean, no touching of the genitals or other sexy body parts. A kinkster like this may say, this is my play partner, but not my lover.
And another kinkster might experience and talk about this quite differently. They, too, may have a play partner they are very intimate with and have no genital involvement, and may say: this is my lover and my primary partner.
Play partners are not always lovers; lovers are not always play partners. You can have deep love, connection, vulnerability, and intimacy with a play partner who is not your lover, and a lover who is not your play partner.
And yet another kinkster can live these very same conditions and say: my kink is my sexuality, or my sexual orientation is kink.
All of these kinksters are quite right, of course, because they are describing their own experiences (see Chapter 6 for more on how kinky people make meaning). A few important take-aways from this example of complexity for the kink beginner are:
Don’t assume.
Whatever your definitions of sex and kink are, they are meaningful to you. Don’t assume they are meaningful or apply to others.
Ask.
When you don’t understand what another kinkster is telling you about their kink desires or their lives, don’t impose your labels on their experience. Instead: Ask.
Adopt a learning posture not a testing posture.
Kinksters are curious. You are stepping into an expansive community of people who defy categorization. The idea is not to create tests or imperatives for various identities and put people into boxes. Instead, be open to learning.
Affirm, appreciate.
Kinksters are so ingenious and creative. They have often persisted in their discoveries and inventiveness despite hardships, terrible judgments, and backlash. Always remember to affirm, appreciate, and enjoy!
Understanding what influences you
Kink is about taking up space socially, sexually, and intimately that the prevailing religious, cultural, and political systems would deny you; such as
If you’re a hunky football player, you “shouldn’t” want your partner to peg you (see Appendix A). If you’re a pacifist, you “shouldn’t” get hot watching brutal militarized sex scenes. If you’re straight and largely traditional around sex, you “shouldn’t” want to go to clubs to watch gay Dominants flog or otherwise exert power over their partners.
The kinksters in the previous scenarios are being resistant to pushing against the “rules” associated with their identities. However, kink is about claiming any and all unwieldy, “unacceptable” desires. It’s about breaking out and breaking free.
We live in social and political worlds that are steeped in power relationships; often, someone is winning, while another is losing. One nation is exerting power, and another is submitting to it. A parent or teacher is setting all the terms of success for a child, and the child is doing their best to rise to expectations and survive the pressures in the system.
All of these are the formative “gasses” that shape us. They shape our conscious life and relationships, as they shape our unconscious life and our sexuality.
It makes perfect sense then, that our kink fantasies are a product of our survival in this demanding order of things. When seen through this prism, our kink desires are a brilliant, creative commitment to relationship, to our intimate life, and to our longing for connection in the face of a lot of alienating structures.
When we see our kink desires this way, we don’t just love and appreciate all of the astonishingly beautiful experiences and people they’ve brought to us. We are proud and amazed by them.
A paradox of kink is that while often grounded in an experience of overwhelm or shame, kink is a portal to ecstatic, joyful, expansive experiences and relationships. Or, shame and humiliation in our day-to-day lives are draining and unsexy; meeting your abject or intensely vulnerable self with a worthy intimate partner can be explosively sexy.
