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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Fachliteratur
- Sprache: Englisch
How do some of the world's top leaders unlock the potential of others, create trust, and lead through change? Jacob started out with one basic question: Is vulnerability the same for leaders as it is for everyone else? It turns out that it's not. On August 20, 1991, Hollis Harris, the CEO of struggling Continental Airlines told his 42,000 employees to pray for the future of the company. The next day he was fired. What Hollis did was vulnerable, but it was not leadership. While vulnerability cripples some leaders, others tap into it and use it as a superpower. Vulnerability alone makes leaders seem incompetent. Competence on its own makes it hard for leaders to connect with their people. The key is to develop both competence and vulnerability, what Jacob calls "The Vulnerable Leader Equation." Based on over 100 CEO interviews and a survey of nearly 14,000 employees, renowned leadership thought leader and futurist Jacob Morgan shares candid stories and original research that shows how leaders can tap into vulnerability to transform themselves, their teams, and their organizations. This book will show you why it's so crucial to lead with vulnerability and how to do it well. You will learn: * The difference between being vulnerable and leading with vulnerability * The 5 vulnerable leader superheroes * What makes leaders feel most vulnerable at work and why * The ROI of leading with vulnerability * The 8 attributes of vulnerable leaders * What happens when vulnerability is used against you * How to climb the "vulnerability mountain" * What keeps leaders from being vulnerable at work and how to overcome it Leading With Vulnerability is not just a book to share with your leaders and your co-workers. It's an invitation to a paradigm-shifting adventure. Nothing like this has been written before and, after reading it, you'll never look at leadership the same way again.
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Seitenzahl: 386
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023
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Table of Contents
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Foreword
Introduction: Where It All Began
I: Who Is a
Weak
Vulnerable Leader?
1 Panic!
2 The Vulnerable Leader Equation
3 Why Lead with Vulnerability?
What It Means to You
What It Means to the Business
N
+ 1
Vulnerability, Trust, and Interdependence
4 Tough Guys
5 How Are You Feeling?
6 The Land of the Goods
7 Thick Skin but Not Armor
8 How People Become Vulnerable Leaders
Experience
Taught
How You Were Raised
II: What Prevents Leaders from Being Vulnerable at Work?
9 Why Don't We Have More Superheroes?
10 Breaking the Leadership Stereotype
Lead by Example
Empower
Adapt
Develop
III: What Makes Leaders Feel Vulnerable?
11 The 10 Vulnerability Signs
Asking for Help
Admitting to a Mistake
Sharing Personal Information Including a Challenge or Struggle
Giving or Receiving Praise
Being in a Tough Situation
Listening
Asking for or Receiving Candid Feedback
Talking About Risk or Uncertainty
Being Authentic
Showing Sincere Emotion
12 It Takes One to Know One
13 I Saw the Sign!
14 The Sprinter and the Gymnast
15 What We Got Wrong About Milgram's Experiment
16 The Four Types of Questions
Questions of the Mind
Questions of the Body
Questions of the Heart
Questions of the Soul
IV: What Happens to Leaders When They Are Vulnerable?
17 Getting Past the Defense!
18 Critical Moments
Break‐Through Moment
Internal Break‐Through Moments
External Break‐Through Moments
Learning Moment
Fixed Moment
19 What Does Vulnerability Feel Like?
V: How to Lead with Vulnerability
20 Unlocking your Superpower
21 The Five Vulnerable Leader Superheroes
Captain Heart
Wonder Worker
Professor Personal
Super‐Situational
Balanced Beast
22 The Eight Attributes of Vulnerable Leaders
Highly Competent
Self‐Awareness
Self‐Confidence
Self‐Compassion
Empathy
Authenticity
Motivation
Integrity
23 The Vulnerability Wheel
Intention
Who Are You Being Vulnerable With?
The Circle of Trust
When
Tone
Professionalism
24 The Vulnerability Mountain
Notes
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 10
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 19
Chapter 22
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Index
End User License Agreement
List of Illustrations
Chapter 2
Figure 2.1 Do more and care more
Figure 2.2 What does being vulnerable as a leader mean to you?
Figure 2.3 The Vulnerable Leader Equation
Figure 2.4 Frequency of effective leadership behaviors
Figure 2.5 Frequency of emerging versus traditional leadership behaviors
Figure 2.6 Frequency of leadership behavior by level (often/always)
Figure 2.7 Four types of leaders
Figure 2.8 Being vulnerable compared to being a vulnerable leader
Chapter 3
Figure 3.1 Percentage of high‐quality leaders in organizations
Figure 3.2 Level the playing field
Chapter 9
Figure 9.1 Percentage of high‐quality leaders in organizations
Chapter 10
Figure 10.1 How to break leadership stereotypes
Chapter 11
Figure 11.1 10 signs of vulnerability
Figure 11.2 Which of the following are the best examples of how you convey f...
Chapter 14
Figure 14.1 The follow‐up
Chapter 16
Figure 16.1 The Four types of questions
Chapter 18
Figure 18.1 Three Outcomes of Vulnerability
Figure 18.2 The vulnerability loop
Chapter 22
Figure 22.1 Eight attributes of vulnerable leaders
Figure 22.2 Vulnerability and competence
Chapter 23
Figure 23.1 The Vulnerable Leader Wheel
Chapter 24
Figure 24.1 The vulnerability mountain
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Foreword
Introduction: Where It All Began
Begin Reading
Notes
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Index
End User License Agreement
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Praises for Leading with Vulnerability
“Jacob takes a wonderfully thorough look at one of the most important—and lacking—qualities in leaders. And he does so with a raw and honest approach that makes his point all the more powerful(!)”
—Patrick Lencioni,best‐selling author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team and The Six Types of Working Genius
“Vulnerability, in today's complex, uncertain world, is simply a fact. Good leaders don't shy away from, but instead acknowledge and embrace this reality. Backed by a study of 100 CEOs and a survey of 14,000 employees, Jacob has put together an invaluable resource to help leaders navigate vulnerability to achieve more, build trust, and drive performance.
—Amy C. Edmondson,professor, Harvard Business School; author ofThe Right Kind of Wrong: The Science of Failing Well (Atria, 2023) and The Fearless Organization (Wiley 2018)
“Given all the blather about authentic and vulnerable leadership, some take it as a signal to abandon accountability and just let the world know how you're feeling. According to Jacob, what you want is the combination of vulnerability PLUS leadership—as in ‘I don't know, but here's our plan for how we're going to find out.’ This book offers many wonderful examples and insights for how leaders can put the power of vulnerability to work. You'll never think about leadership the same way again.”
—Rita McGrath,author of Seeing Around Corners; professor, Columbia Business School
“This book is a game‐changer for current and aspiring leaders. Jacob provides readers with a treasure trove of insights on how to connect with team members, unlock potential, and drive business performance. I wish I had this book when I was entering the business world!”
—Frank Blake,former chairman & CEO, The Home Depot
“Leading with Vulnerability is a superpower that many leaders struggle with. It creates human connection, trust, and unlocks the potential of those around you. This excellent book teaches leaders how to do just that. Filled with stories and research this is a must‐read for any leader!”
—Niren Chaudhary,chief executive officer, Panera Bread & Panera Brands
“Vulnerability is a topic that is uncomfortable for so many. Jacob tackles this head on with insights from CEOs to help leaders understand that vulnerability shouldn't just be discussed but also utilized as a superpower to lead through change.”
—Jason McGowan,founder & CEO, Crumbl Cookies
“Leading with Vulnerability is a masterclass in balancing the human connection with the competence needed to lead successfully in today's complex world. Jacob has artfully distilled the wisdom of over 100 CEOs and 14,000 employees into a compelling, actionable guide. This book will reshape your understanding of leadership and empower you to create deeper connections and drive greater impact. An essential read for leaders at every level.”
—Erin Meyer,NYT best‐selling author of No Rules Rules and The Culture Map
“The leaders of today and tomorrow are discovering vulnerability as a leadership requirement and a tool for advancement in our increasingly transparent world. Jacob's insights are exactly the kind of modern and realistic thinking we need in today's business climate. As organizations adapt to the effects of AI, flexible working, and climate change, it will be the leaders who harness vulnerability rather than avoid it who will drive sustainable growth in their industries. I encourage leaders to learn from the great examples in this book and apply them rigorously.”
—Lorenzo Simonelli,chairman & CEO, Baker Hughes
LEADING WITH VULNERABILITY
UNLOCK YOUR GREATEST SUPERPOWER TO TRANSFORM YOURSELF, YOUR TEAM, AND YOUR ORGANIZATION
JACOB MORGANForeword by Marshall Goldsmith
Copyright © 2024 by Jacob Morgan. All rights reserved.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per‐copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750‐8400, fax (978) 750‐4470, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748‐6011, fax (201) 748‐6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permission.
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Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Further, readers should be aware that websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read. Neither the publisher nor authors shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
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Library of Congress Cataloging‐in‐Publication Data is Available:
ISBN 9781119895244 (Cloth)ISBN 9781119895251 (ePub)ISBN 9781119895268 (ePDF)
Cover Design and Illustration: © Gerard Allen T. Mendoza.Author Photo: © Nancy Rothstein Photography
To Noah and Naomi, may you always lead with vulnerability, and I will try to do the same. To my wife, Blake, you are simply amazing and I love you. To my family, thank you for your support and love. And to you, the reader, thank you for picking up this book and going on this important journey.
Foreword
Dr. Marshall Goldsmith
As an executive coach for over 40 years, my mission has been to help successful leaders get even better for the sake of their companies, teams, and their own lives. Throughout my career, I have observed that one of the most common struggles among smart and talented individuals is their vulnerability. Too often, leaders are hesitant to show vulnerability, fearing that it will be perceived as a sign of weakness. This can lead to a command‐and‐control approach that is far less effective than one in which leaders cultivate humility, trust, and vulnerability within their teams. Many leaders understand this important point, but they struggle to find ways to live out this shift in behavior on a daily basis.
Leading with Vulnerability offers a practical and proven approach to understanding vulnerability and how to incorporate it into your leadership style. Jacob offers powerful insights and personal revelations on what it means to be a competent, vulnerable leader. He has interviewed top leaders around the world, sharing their experiences and offering readers a grounded look at how to live out vulnerability amid challenging situations. By providing actionable advice and pulling together these stories, Jacob has created a book that empowers readers to harness their vulnerability and become the leaders they were meant to be.
It's essential for leaders to understand that vulnerability is not a license to share everything about yourself, including your fears and insecurities, with your team. Vulnerability should not be a replacement for good leadership, nor should it be an excuse for poor decision‐making. In fact, vulnerability should be balanced with good judgment, thoughtful communication, and a clear understanding of what information is appropriate to share with your team. As Leading with Vulnerability highlights, being vulnerable doesn't mean being weak but rather being confident enough in yourself and your abilities to be honest about your mistakes, limitations, and uncertainties. It's about cultivating a culture of trust, openness, and honesty that enables your team to thrive and your organization to achieve its goals.
If you are a leader looking to build better relationships, foster constructive work cultures, and realize the full potential of your team and organization, this is the book you need to read. It is a timely and important reminder that true strength comes from embracing vulnerability, rather than hiding behind a façade of control and power. With its focus on personal growth and development, this book is not just for leaders but for anyone looking to build better relationships and create a culture of vulnerability and trust within their team or organization.
Dr. Marshall Goldsmith is the Thinkers50 #1 Executive Coach and New York Times bestselling author of The Earned Life, Triggers, and What Got You Here Won't Get You There.
Introduction: Where It All Began
A loud explosion went off. “We have to run now!” Klara said. Another barrage of explosions started and it felt like the world was on fire. Klara grabbed her 4‐year‐old daughter, Genya, who could barely make sense of what was happening. It was the beginning of World War II. Without having time to grab anything, they ran out into the night along with thousands of other people. As they ran, they saw Zoya, a young girl Genya's age, who was running around screaming; her mother had just hung herself after finding out her husband was killed in battle. Klara grabbed Zoya and all three of them fled.
Klara and the two girls came to an open field. They had to cross the field as low flying fighter pilots dropped bombs on them. There was chaos everywhere, and Klara lost the hand of one of the girls. Faced with the choice of all of them getting killed and saving herself and one little girl, Klara and the other girl continued on to safety. Eventually Klara and the girl got to a train station. The train traveled over a river when another explosion went off and the bridge the train was on was destroyed. The train and all of the passengers plummeted into the cold dark water below.
They crawled over dead bodies until they emerged from the water and walked and hitchhiked their way to Tbilisi, Georgia, where Klara's sister Sonya lived.
Klara Taxer, who only had three years of formal education, found a job as a waitress. They were desperate to find a place to live, and a woman who was renting a 10‐foot × 15‐foot room in a complex agreed to let them stay with her. Klara and her daughter rented a corner of the room where all they had was a bed. They lived out of their suitcases, which were kept on the floor. The restrooms and kitchens were all communal.
Klara worked double shifts at a restaurant to make a few rubles a month. At night Klara was harassed by the men who frequented the restaurant. Nobody protected her or stood up for her as the men made passes and grabbed her body. Every night after work she would come home and cry. Sometimes Klara would bring home leftovers that other patrons didn't finish so she and her daughter could eat. Genya was alone all day every day until late at night. She had nowhere to go so she would sit in a Catholic church every day because it was safe even though she was Jewish. Genya became friends with the priest, who told her that if she wanted to keep visiting the church she should get baptized, so she did even though she was only five and didn't understand what that meant.
During WWII there was a syphilis scare so the USSR, which Georgia was a part of, mandated that everyone who worked in a restaurant get their blood tested. Klara took her daughter and they went to the home of Alexander Drampov and Nina Egeazarova, an Armenian couple who never had any children. Nina liked Genya so much that she invited her to come over whenever she wanted. Over the years, Alexander and Nina became Genya's unofficial foster parents because Klara worked so much and was never home.
In college, little Genya became fascinated with chess and won a few tournaments. She graduated with a master's degree in history and philology, which is the study of language.
One day in college, a friend of Genya's told her she wanted to set her up with someone who worked at the circus, a Jewish cello player named Alex Begelfor. When Genya first met Alex, she didn't really like him or feel connected to him. But as she and her friend were leaving the circus, a few guys started harassing them. At that moment, Alex was also walking out with his cello and he defended them, then walked the girls home. A few years later they married and had two kids: Ella and Irena.
In the late 1970s, Klara, Genya, her husband, Alex, and their two daughters had to make a tough choice to flee the Republic of Georgia. Under the communist regime, they didn't feel safe or free. This wasn't easy because Alex loved Georgia. He was known in all of the entertainment circles, had lots of friends, and belonged to a huge community. But, he wanted a better life for his family.
They left Georgia as refugees with no money, no possessions (which were all stolen or confiscated), no legal documents, and without speaking a word of English. The only thing they were able to take out of the country was a few hundred dollars and a half‐carat diamond that they snuck out in the handle of a knife. My grandmother still has that diamond in a ring she wears.
From Georgia they went to Italy, which was a transition zone for people leaving Georgia. To make money they sold chachkies at a local flea market, but they barely made enough money to afford eating macaroni and spaghetti for dinner. Genya met a handsome Georgian rugby player while they were both in line at an immigration office. Genya introduced David Mamisashvili to her daughter Ella and eventually they got married.
From Italy they ended up in Australia where Alex and his wife Genya worked as cleaners in a chocolate factory. Eventually Alex became a taxi driver and formed his own string trio, and Genya became a Russian teacher for politicians and officers at a naval academy. Ella and David had two sons: Jacob (me) and my brother, Joshua.
Klara was my great grandmother, Genya is my grandmother, Alex was my grandfather, and Ella and David are my parents. To this day my grandmother doesn't know if she is Genya or Zoya, Klara never told her which girl was lost during the bombings in Ukraine.
When I was young, my parents relocated to the United States; my dad was obsessed with the “American Dream.” He changed his last name to “Morgan” to sound more American because nobody was able to pronounce his real last name, Mamisashvili, over company loudspeakers. He moved to the United States first to set up a life before my mom and I joined him from Australia. For several years my mom and dad communicated with each other by sending letters in the mail. He learned to speak English by watching the Johnny Carson and Merv Griffin shows with an English‐to‐Russian translation dictionary. He would spend hours each day looking in the mirror and trying to mouth out English words properly while he lived in low‐income housing in New Jersey. My dad's mom was Sara Bagdadishvili, a stay‐at‐home mom, and his dad was Yasha Mamisashvili, a store clerk. I never met Sara but I did meet Yasha once when he came to Los Angeles when I was very young. Coming from communism where everything belonged to the government, Yasha couldn't beleive that his son (my dad) was able to create a good life for himself. He thought that my mom and I were actors pretending to be his family and that the house and all of his possessions were owned by the government. My dad showed Yasha an old home video to which he replied “my god, they found me.” He believed he was being monitored and followed while in America. Eventually my dad convinved him of the truth. Yasha passed away a few weeks after his visit due to cancer. He just wanted to make sure that his son was happy and was able to make a life for himself.
Although my dad doesn't talk about his past he will, on very rare occasions, share a story with me. Like the time he went from Georgia to Czechoslovakia as a 21‐year‐old foreign exchange student. A group of students from Georgia traveled with a chaperone who would keep an eye on their every move. My dad loved classic rock and one day while he was exploring Czechoslovakia he picked up a Jimi Hendrix poster. One of the other students on the trip ratted out my dad to get the poster confiscated. To avoid getting in trouble, when my dad was confronted about the poster he said it was actually of Angela Davis, an American member and supporter of the communist party. My dad was lauded for his apparent dedication to communism and was allowed to keep the poster.
My dad just retired from the corporate world after working for decades as an aerospace engineer where he commuted an hour and a half to and from work each day (during COVID he worked from home). My dad sometimes still makes the commute just to play soccer with some of his coworkers. He's 73. My mom is one of the top marriage and family therapists in Los Angeles, and they live 15 minutes away from me.
When you've had to survive like my family, there is no room for weakness. You have to be strong and tough. My mom has always been more open and encouraging of vulnerability and emotion, but ultimately I grew up watching and emulating my dad, who doesn't believe in a trophy for a second place. I remember one time after a soccer tournament my dad and I drove to the coach's house to pick something up. I must have been about 10 years old. We knocked on the coach's door and he handed my dad and me a trophy. My dad looked at the coach and said, “What is this trophy for; they came in last place?” The coach said that they were giving participation trophies so kids wouldn't feel left out. My dad chuckled and said, “That's bullshit. You can keep the trophy,” and we got in the car and left. This was an important life lesson for me and it taught me the importance and value of hard work. Life doesn't give participation trophies, and it doesn't care about your problems.
My dad always told me that the world is a jungle and that as a man you always need to be strong and highly competent. Never show weakness under any circumstance, nobody cares about your problems so don't share them, and always be good at what you do, or more specifically, try to be the best at what you do.
I only ever saw my dad cry once, when he was almost killed. As a pedestrian he was struck by a car traveling 45 miles per hour. He lay on the ground covered in blood, screaming. He doesn't remember that, but I do.
My father is a good man—he has a lot of integrity, and as he's gotten older he has become gentle—I see it when he spends time with my kids. He was always there for me, and is a good dad, but the model I had growing up with was a tough guy off the Eastern bloc. Physical and mental fitness were number one. That is what I learned. Don't ever show anyone your emotions, and don't talk much. Even today, when I visit my parent's house, he asks me, “Jacob, how many push‐ups can you do?”
That's how I grew up: not being vulnerable and always needing to be strong and not showing weakness. Perhaps you grew up hearing similar messages, especially if you are a male.
As the stress mounted in my family, with two children—one born during COVID—the lack of vulnerability was no longer working for me in my personal life. My wife and I would argue more frequently, it was hard to connect with friends, and my personal and professional relationships didn't feel stable. I didn't quite know how to navigate all of the curve balls life was throwing at me but I wouldn't admit anything was wrong, and I'd never ask for help. I just kept “powering through” life. I also noticed many other people were struggling with vulnerability, especially at work.
Similar to you, I had heard of vulnerability and had an idea of what it was, but was it really that simple? I felt that most of what I was reading and seeing made it sound like if you just share your weaknesses and challenges, then your problems will go away. Perhaps that's a decent solution in your personal life, but what about at work, which has a completely different dynamic? I wondered, can vulnerability really be a powerful way to effectively lead through change?
You're probably a current or aspiring leader who is seeing how the world around you is changing, and you're asking yourself, “How do I lead through this change?” You understand that connecting with people and being able to influence change is one of the most important aspects of leadership, yet you also understand that you need to demonstrate that you are highly capable of doing your job as a contributor to a team and organization. You know what it means to be vulnerable because you have experienced it, but similar to many leaders around the world you're probably wondering if you should be vulnerable at work, why, what the impact is, and how to do it.
You're likely asking the same questions that other leaders are asking:
What does leading with vulnerability mean and how do I do it?
What's the impact of leading with vulnerability?
What happens if I'm vulnerable and it's used against me?
What are the other attributes that I need to have that help unlock the power of vulnerability?
How does vulnerability help me lead through change?
Are there examples, stories, and research about vulnerability and leadership?
I wanted to answer all of these questions and more because if leaders like you can be vulnerable, then others will follow in your footsteps. This will create organizations focused on growth, development, innovation, and, above all, being human. Life is too short to put up a façade of perfection.
I've come to understand the power and value of vulnerability. However, at work vulnerability alone will only get you so far; you need leadership, specifically, competence.
The relationship between vulnerability and competence is an important one to call out. I cannot stress enough that vulnerability cannot be used as a crutch to justify ongoing poor performance, which is something that is unfortunately happening in many organizations. One of the toughest challenges that leaders are faced with is a pervasive mentality of victimhood. The idea that you can substitute for competence and replace it by pointing out all of the reasons for you not having your required level of competency.
Ann Mukherjee is the chairwoman and CEO of Pernod Ricard North America, which has about 1,900 employees. She was born in India and moved to Chicago when she was five years old. When she was 14 years old her mother was killed by a drunk driver and earlier in her life she was the victim of sexual assault by someone who was drunk. You might wonder why someone would want to work for an alcohol company after having such tragic experiences with alcohol. For Ann, it's about using those tragic experiences to make things better for other people. Ann doesn't see herself as a victim but as a powerful change agent who can positively affect the lives of others; she uses her tragedy as fuel for growth and progress.
According to Ann, “As a leader if you're not comfortable with your own chaos and adversity, then you are going to falter. You have to get over your own issues and build resilience as opposed to feeling like a victim, which is one of the dangers facing the workforce today. Turn your pain, fear, and weakness into positive power. Being vulnerable allows you to connect with others to build that resilience but being a vulnerable leader allows you to take that connection and resiliency and do something positive with it to change the world.”
Be an owner and take your professional development into your own hands. Don't wait for someone to save you; become your own superhero. Perhaps this is my tough‐love immigrant family upbringing speaking, but it's something I have come to believe and something I have observed from the successful CEOs I interviewed, many of whom came from troubled, impoverished, and broken families and who had to rely on their high levels of competence to get to where they are. Competence is crucial, but it's the combination of vulnerability and competence that truly leads to meaningful and significant outcomes.
Vulnerable leaders have both.
I believe that the single most important and impactful thing that you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to lead with vulnerability.
With that, let's begin our vulnerable leader journey together. Are you ready?
IWho Is a Weak Vulnerable Leader?
1Panic!
On Thursday, December 23, 2021, a few weeks after signing the contract for this book, I was standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth and I started feeling weird. My body was flooded with adrenaline, my vision became blurry, and my heart started beating out of my chest. My resting heart rate is usually around 57 beats per minute and just standing I was about 130 beats per minute, which is the equivalent of a moderate cardio workout. I thought, “This is it. I'm having a heart attack and I'm going to die,” and I was overcome with fear and dread. I felt like a tidal wave of terror just crashed over me.
I screamed for my wife, Blake, who was wrangling our kids for school, and I told her something was wrong with me. I laid down on the bed and then all of a sudden I started shaking uncontrollably. If you've ever seen the Pixar movie Inside Out in which emotions are personified by little characters who live in your body, that's what I felt like. As if there were little creatures who were just pushing all sorts of buttons inside of my body and I had no control. It was absolutely terrifying and the most scared I've ever been.
“What the fuck is happening to me?” was all I could think about, followed closely by “Is this the end for me?”
The next few days were really rough because I wasn't able to hear back from my doctor and I had no idea what was happening to me. Was I actually dying? Was it all just in my head? Not knowing was the worst part.
Things calmed down for a few days until it happened again. I asked Blake to drive me to urgent care, which turned me down because they were at capacity with COVID patients; instead, they gave me the address of a hospital with an emergency room. I forced Blake to drive me there and almost checked myself in but Blake talked me out of it.
Finally, the next day I was able to get an appointment with a doctor. They reviewed my lab results and did an EKG and the result was … that I'm perfectly healthy and my heart is great!
“Phew,” I thought. “Now that I know that, I won't ever have another panic attack again.” I just needed a doctor to tell me that I was fine … or so I thought. Sure enough, a few days later as I was sitting in my kitchen eating a sandwich, it happened again. “WTF? The doctor told me I was fine, what could possibly be causing this?”
I'm not a vulnerable person and the only human being I know who is less vulnerable than me is my dad. He's the kind of person who could be sick as a dog and if you ask him how he's doing, he'll say “great.” When my dad was struck by a car, he spent many weeks in the hospital recovering. I was young when it happened, and one time I went to visit him where he lay in almost a full body cast. I was feeding him ice chips (which gradually melted in his mouth) because he wasn't even able to drink water. He yelled at me and told me he didn't need my help. He doesn't believe in showing weakness of any kind. I have Georgian immigrant parents and the Georgian culture isn't exactly known for being vulnerable or emotional.
I rarely express my emotions or feelings and even have a hard time doing this with family. The phrase “I feel” is very foreign to me but I'm pretty good at saying “I think” or “I know.”
As I've come to learn after speaking with therapists and researching panic and anxiety, your body can only handle so much stuffing down of emotions and feelings. Eventually there's no more space left in your body and the physical symptoms begin: a rapid heartbeat, uncontrollable shaking, adrenaline spikes, fear of doom, fever, blurry vision, and the like.
Imagine you have a suitcase you are packing with clothes. Eventually the suitcase fills up but you keep cramming more clothes in there until you realize there is no way it's going to close. So what do you do? You sit on the suitcase and then you force the zipper around it. It shuts for a few minutes and then all of a sudden the seam rips and the suitcase flies open.
Stuffing down emotions and feelings is the same thing. If you try to keep things in, eventually the mind and the body will win. I learned this the hard way.
After diving deeper into what could have caused my panic attacks, it became more clear what a large contributing factor was … this book!
The very fact that I had committed to writing a book about vulnerability—something that goes against my very nature—gave me a panic attack. My mind and body just couldn't come to grips with the fact that I was going to have to confront, explore, and dive deep into something I have always stayed away from.
My wife, Blake, told me that by writing this book, I'd be going on a personal and emotional journey to discover more of myself and what it means to be a vulnerable leader, and she was right. I'm on this journey with each and every one of you reading this book.
This is the most important and hardest book I've written, and it's precisely because it explores such a difficult and foreign topic to me—and to many others—vulnerability. During the week or so where I thought I was going to die, I became very vulnerable with friends and family. I cried in my mom's arms, told my friends I was struggling, and had to explain to my kids why I was having a tough time. I saw the deeper connections I was able to make from openly expressing what was happening, the support people gave me, and the candid conversations I was able to have. In one of my team meetings, I shared what I was going through and asked if anyone else had experienced something similar. On my team of 12 people, 4 others had experienced panic attacks. We were able to come together to talk about this and support each other.
I realized how powerful vulnerability could be in both personal and professional environments when done the right way. In my last book, The Future Leader, the theme of vulnerability came up quite a bit, and I remembered all of those discussions and conversations I had with CEOs and leaders who shared the importance of connecting with people and creating meaningful relationships, yet also needing to focus on business performance. In that book the skill of Yoda (emotional intelligence including empathy and self‐awareness) was the skill that leaders struggled with the most as ranked by employees who reported to them.
I also remembered the specific concerns, issues, and questions that leaders had when it came to vulnerability in the workplace. Thoughts such as being vulnerable without being perceived as weak, how to actually be vulnerable in the right way, why vulnerability alone isn't enough, what happens when vulnerability isn't received well, and many others.
I knew this was a book I had to write because I saw how I struggled with vulnerability and the impact it had on my life and those around me. During my career, I've worked with and interviewed more than 2,000 CEOs and business leaders around the world and I've also seen how much they struggle with vulnerability.
Leading with vulnerability is the single most impactful thing you can do to create connection, drive trust, unlock the potential of those around you, and drive performance if you know the right way to approach it. That's the key, the right way to approach it.
This is a book about you and how you can be a leader who creates trust, connects with your people, unlocks the potential of those around you, and drives business performance.
I embarked on the most in‐depth and comprehensive project on vulnerability and leadership that's ever been done. For over two years, I interviewed over 100 CEOs around the world from different industries, including American Airlines, SAP, Hyatt, Northrop Grumman, Dow Chemical, The Home Depot, and dozens of others. Although only 10% of the Fortune 500 CEOs are women, I'm proud that more than 25% of the CEOs I interviewed for this book are women. These interviews were done in hour‐long discussions and follow‐up interviews with a small group of CEOs opting to send in responses via email. I also interviewed the world's leading psychologists and researchers spanning a variety of fields, including emotional intelligence, decision‐making, trust, psychological safety, game theory, and organizational behavior.
This book sets itself apart by offering a unique perspective on the power of vulnerability for leaders—a topic not commonly addressed in business education or corporate environments. To gain a deeper understanding, I sought out insights from CEOs, recognizing their paramount responsibility, accountability, and impact in the business world.
Some of the questions I asked these CEOs included (but are not limited to) the following:
What does being a vulnerable leader/leading with vulnerability mean to you?
What does vulnerability feel like in your body?
What makes you feel most vulnerable and why?
What are other attributes or characteristics that leaders need to have which help unlock the power of vulnerability?
How can you be vulnerable at work without being perceived as being weak?
Have you ever been vulnerable at work and had it used against you?
When you're vulnerable, what is your default defense mechanism?
What's the impact of being a vulnerable leader?
Can you be too vulnerable at work?
How do your personal values influence your willingness to be vulnerable?
Do you think about the intention or purpose behind being vulnerable?
What kind of vulnerable leader are you?
What happens if you work with people who don't believe in being vulnerable?
My discussions with these CEOs were extremely in‐depth and personal, so much so that several of them requested to be made anonymous in the book. They shared stories and insights with me that they have never shared before. I am grateful for their openness, transparency, and willingness to be vulnerable with me. I laughed and cried with them. I shared all sorts of emotions and in‐the‐moment discoveries that I will forever be grateful for.
Last, I teamed up with global leadership firm DDI to survey almost 14,000 employees around the world representing more than 1,500 organizations, 50 countries, and 24 major industry sectors. This was done as a part of their Global Leadership Forecast Series, which is the longest‐running global study of leadership aimed at understanding current and future leadership best practices. We also did a follow‐up pulse survey with an additional 1,200 participants.
Bringing all of these different perspectives and data points together yielded some truly fascinating insights about leading with vulnerability that I can't wait to share with you.
This book will help you understand what it means to lead with vulnerability; why it's so crucial to your success, your team's success, and your organization's success; and how to actually unlock this amazing superpower for yourself and those around you. Although the strategies and approaches you read about in this book are specifically focused on leadership at work, they can also be applied with positive impact outside of work as well.
The first section of the book introduces what leading with vulnerability means and the crucial difference between vulnerability and vulnerable leadership. You will learn the three truths of vulnerable leaders and how vulnerability saved the lives of some of the toughest men on the planet working on an oil rig. You will discover why you should lead with vulnerability, the importance of being able to identify emotions, why leaders need to have thick skin and not armor, and the three paths people take to becoming vulnerable leaders.
The second section explores why we don't have more vulnerable leaders and what to do about it. You'll hear about the common leadership stereotypes still alive in our organizations today and how to break them, what to learn from working with vulnerable and non‐vulnerable leaders, and the importance of using vulnerability early in your career.
In the third section of the book, you'll learn about what makes leaders feel vulnerable and why, including the 10 vulnerability signs and what to do if you spot them. You'll also learn how a bank robber used lemon juice to try to avoid being detected on camera and how that affects our perception of vulnerability, why being a gymnast is more stressful than being a sprinter and why we're all gymnasts, the simple technique you can use when being vulnerable doesn't go as planned, and what we got wrong about the famous Milgram experiment.
