Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart E-Book

Sabine Bösel

• Herausgeber: Verlag Orac im Kremayr & Scheriau Verlag
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 236

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Beschreibung

Sticking to it: that's the request of this book. A relationship does not end when a crisis arises. On the contrary: each couple has all the qualities within them to live and love happily and passionately. Still, many separate or live side by side in frustration. In this book, Sabine and Roland Bösel present their longstanding experience as Imago therapists. They show a path along which each couple has the chance to develop: the conscious, attentive, esteeming communication facilitating mutual understanding, besides getting to know each other more intensely. Being not only couples therapists, but also a couple, the authors present many stimuli with regard to forming a relationship and developing the durability thereof. What makes a relationship is comprehensively presented, based on extensive knowledge, with examples, exercises and tips. On top of that, they refer to their own rollercoaster-ride in their relationship – affairs – separations – including sexual frustrations. A book taken from life – for love.

Leseprobe

Sabine Bösel Roland Bösel

Lend me your earand I’ll give youmy heart

The path to a happylove relationship

This book is dedicated to all those coupleswe were privileged to work with as therapists,and from whom we were able to learn so much.

Inhalt

A Matter of the Heart

1.Lend Me Your Ear and I’ll Give You My Heart

A Voyage of Discovery in Each Other’s Country

Dialogue as a Bridge to Your Partner

What It Was Really About

2.Where Love Falls

Soulmates

What It Was Really About

3.You’re so Different from Me

Fascinating, the Way You Are

After the Sunshine Comes the Rain

The Lost Self

A Good Team—Recovering the Lost Self

What It Was Really About

4.The Dynamic Duo

Minimizers and Maximizers Two opposite temperaments

The real issue

The goal

What It Was Really About

5.An Honest Look at Yourself before Presenting Your Partner with a Relationship Book

It’s always me working on the relationship

I had a difficult childhood

My husband doesn’t help with the housework

Who is better – him or me?

I’m not pretty enough

Sexual assault

He only ever wants one thing

Men want to make us happy

What It Was Really About

6.Discover Your Feelings for Your Own Sake; Your Wife Will Be Thankful

This endless emotionalism

Like father, like son?

I am doing it for my wife’s sake

I will only accept help when the water is up to my neck

She spends hours talking about the same thing

My childhood was perfect!

My wife is so powerful

Careful, this is a test

What It Was Really About

7.A Thousand Reasons not to Talk to Each Other

The Space between You and Me

Evasive Maneuvers

Creating Awareness of Escape Hatches

What It Was Really About

8.Finally, Someone Understands Me

The affair – A sign that something is missing in the relationship

Clarifying instead of escaping

Crises as the engine of development processes

What It Was Really About

9.I Want to Become a Better Person for You

Embrace Conflict

90:10 – The Twin Pack

A Double Gift

Unlearning and Learning—And Making Room for Something New

What It Was Really About

10.Just Last Summer I Told My Wife that I Love Her

Love wants to be shaped and developed

The Five Love Languages

What It Was Really About

11.Sex, or The Simplest Thing in the World

The simplest thing in the world?

Eroticism and sex

What It Was Really About

12.Farewell Instead of Breaking Off

A Proper Farewell Provides a Basis for Something New

Pain Is a Healing Form of Energy

The Farewell Dialogue

Letting Go of Each Other

What It Was Really About

13.Had Children, Built a House, Planted a Tree—What Next?

Man strives as long as he lives

How Do I Find My Couples Vision?

Obstacles

What It Was Really About

Thank You

A Matter of the Heart

Each couple has what it needs to be happy. This conviction is one of the most important foundations of our work as couples therapists. Nowadays, partners have too little contact with each other and don’t invest enough time to get to know each other profoundly. Many of us think love is a matter of luck.

The most important decision of our lives was that we stuck it out despite the many hurdles we encountered. We’ve been a couple for the past forty years and have been working with couples for the past thirty. For about twenty years, we have been integrating the Imago Method into our work.

We feel very closely connected with Imago, as it comes in right at the point where our society lags in terms of appreciation and mindful communication in relationships. The methods and practices we offer we have tried on ourselves and still maintain; if you stick to them, it’s a win-win for you, your relationship, and your children.

This book offers more than just scenes from our relationship. There are many beautiful and challenging love stories about the lives of others, meant to show how to overcome obstacles and let love unfold. We changed the names of the people concerned—and if you see yourself in their stories, it’s pure coincidence and only proves that you are not alone in your problems.

Appreciation is another foundation of our work. We think it’s wonderful that you are taking the time to read this book and that you want to do something for yourself and your relationship. We invite you to be appreciative of yourself and the important people in your life; this is especially true for your parents. Love relationships have a lot to do with our history, and specifically with our parents. However, this is not about blaming them for your present-day actions. We look into the past only to learn and grow.

Dear men and women, dear couples, regardless of your sexual orientation: our offer to provide you with the basis for a successful relationship and our many suggestions for how to achieve it—these come from the heart. We wish you many productive hours with this book, and the courage and persistence that will lead your love to a beautiful and happy future.

Sabine and Roland Bösel

1.Lend Me Your Ear And I’ll Give You My Heart

A visit to the land of the other

A long, busy day draws to its end. Sabine has studied with the children all afternoon, gone to see the doctor with the little one and done the shopping for the birthday party the next weekend. When the children are finally in bed, she still has to tidy the kitchen, hoping that Roland will be home soon.

Around ten o’clock, Roland comes home, obviously exhausted, and throws his bag into a corner.

“I’m completely done in, today was simply too much. I’m going to watch some tv.”

“Come on, really? You want to watch tv now? But I so wanted to tell you about my day!”

“I’m exhausted – do you really think this is the best time for me to sit down and talk?”

In the end, they do sit down together with a glass of wine, and Sabine begins to talk. Roland listens, yawning from time to time. Soon she drops a cue that prompts Roland to talk about himself. He gets into his stride and ends up telling her about his whole day. Sabine, who has not finished her story, is becoming more unfocused by the minute.

“I thought you wanted to watch tv, and now you’re telling me everything about your day.”

“I thought you wanted us to talk.”

“True, but I hadn’t even finished, and now you’re telling me your whole story.”

“Actually, I didn’t feel like talking, but I still made an effort. And now I’d like to tell you something, and you aren’t listening!”

Roland goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water. “In the kitchen there are crumbs all over the place. You know I don’t like that.” “Now that’s the last straw! First you don’t want to talk, then you don’t listen, and now you’re accusing me of not doing the chores. Haven’t you noticed how clean the apartment is? And you complain about a few crumbs!”

“And what about you? I come home completely done in, wanting to relax a little, and you absolutely have to talk. I’m talking all day anyway.”

A Voyage of Discovery in Each Other’s Country

According to a study, couples usually spend no more than two to four minutes a day discussing personal concerns. The rest of the time is spent exchanging various types of information regarding organizational matters, arguments, or power struggles. So, it’s not surprising that there are so many divorces and separations, even though we’ve known for many years now about the positive effect of active listening, using “I” messages in conversation, and communicating with respect and appreciation. In professional careers, these insights acquired through communications research became standard practice long ago. But what about love relationships?

Carla and Frederic are a couple. Whenever she asked him to do something, and he answered, “Sure, in a minute,” they argued. The reason? In Carla’s country, “Sure, in a minute” means, “right away.” But Frederic never fulfills her requests “right away.” In his country, “Sure, in a minute” has a different meaning. At their therapy session, he said: “I thought you knew when I say that, it’s my polite way of saying, ‘Not now. I’ll definitely do it, but only when it suits me.’” Two different worlds, two different customs.

It’s the many little arguments like these that cloud everyday life. How often does our partner react strangely or overreact to what we consider an innocuous statement, so that we are left wondering? But very seldom do we investigate the background for such a reaction. So, these situations are repeated again and again without being solved. In some cases, the misunderstandings become so vast that a crisis is inevitable.

Love is not a state but an activity. You don’t have to leave it to chance whether you’re lucky in love or not. You can take it into your own hands by actively shaping your relationship. These steps include engaging with your partner and trying to understand his or her world. In this book, you’ll find many suggestions. Here is one of the most important: Take a trip to your partner’s country.

Relationship tourism

Just imagine you’re taking a trip to a foreign country. How would you go about it? You’d try to make yourself familiar with the culture, language, and customs of that country. You don’t want to act like a bull in a china shop or get in trouble with the law. In your country, if you carelessly drop a candy wrapper on the ground, chances are no one will react. If, however, you do the same thing in Singapore, you can be severely punished; different countries, different rules.

It’s the same in your relationship. Your partner had different life experiences and learned different behavior patterns and views of life. Your partner had different parents and different caregivers than you did. That’s how his or her character formed, distinctively and individually, just as your character is your own and no one else’s.

If you don’t want to act like a bull in a china shop in your partner’s country, then why not take a voyage of discovery and learn about the culture, language, and customs? As we saw with Carla and Frederic, it’s not a given that every word and behavior has the same meaning to all people. Why is that? Let’s look at their background.

Carla came from a family that always made lots of plans, but no one ever took the first step to carry them out. Carla suffered through this, so, she subconsciously decided: When I grow up, if there is something that needs doing, I’ll do it right away.

In Frederic’s family, every plan was carried out to the last detail. Each family member had to help, and even as a child, he had little free time and hardly any breaks. He longed just to let himself go. He discovered that if he said to his mother, “Sure, right away,” he could at least take a short breather. He has maintained that behavior to this day.

Pushing the curtain aside

The problem with conflicts and crises lies not in the issues themselves, but in the fact that they break the connection we have to one other. We wish that the other person would eventually turn into someone we’d like him or her to be, or that he or she would finally stop hurting us. But that doesn’t lead us anywhere. Such demands only lead to broken communication.

Imagine two people sitting opposite each other, but there is a curtain drawn between them, blocking their view of each other. They could move the curtain aside to re-establish contact, but they don’t do it. This is what happens in breakups. They don’t occur because one partner has a problem with the other one, but because they have lost contact with each other. That’s the fundamental realization you need to move forward. Lend each other your ear, even if sometimes it isn’t easy.

Martina and Gregor went to an Imago Couples Workshop, and a few days later to couples therapy. They had already set a divorce date, but wanted to understand why things had gone the way they did. They had three children and wanted to navigate the breakup successfully. They wanted to utilize the time before the divorce properly, or, as they said, spend the time having constructive conversations.

At the beginning of the session, both were quite tense, angry at each another, and desperate. We asked them to engage in a dialogue with each other. Martina expressed her great fear of divorce and of being treated unfairly. Gregor was irritated at first, but was eventually willing to listen. When Martina spoke about her childhood, how her father always demeaned her and she always felt like a fifth wheel, Gregor’s eyes filled with tears because he now saw his wife in a different light. The connection was restored, and at that moment, there was no talk of divorce.

Half an hour later, we asked Martina to listen to Gregor. He told of his fear that Martina would throw him out if they kept arguing. That situation reminded him of his childhood, when he was sent to boarding school because his parents had major conflicts. There was no place for him in the family, and he still felt the same way.

“All I want is to feel safe with you and have my place. I don’t even understand how the subject of divorce came up.”

To travel through the other person’s country and keep discovering new things requires a lot of attentiveness and openness to the fact that something surprising might arise at any time. Even if you have been married for twenty years or more, there’s still a lot to learn about each other. We often think we know our partner well. On the other hand, we believe the other one knows what our needs are without having to say a word about them. Some people even think that not knowing your partner’s wishes is evidence of a lack of love. But that’s one of the biggest mistakes.

Dialogue as a Bridge to Your Partner

Talking to each other in everyday life can have many facets. Sometimes you listen more closely, other times less so, and you’ve probably caught yourself letting the other one talk while your mind is somewhere totally different. Our world is full of communication. We’re constantly giving and receiving information. So, we think: “Oh, I just can’t listen anymore, I’ve already heard enough!” Or: “How many times do I have to say the same thing over again?”

While our partner tells us something, we are already thinking: do I agree with that? How can I argue against it? How can I answer? What story from my own life does that remind me of? In effect, we are only listening with half an ear. We’re not visiting the other person’s country, but remaining in our own while we look for answers. So, we’re missing a lot of valuable information that could bring us closer to our partner’s country.

Especially when we’re distressed or when it’s a difficult topic, it’s hard to listen attentively. As therapists, we then ask our couples to be fully aware when attending to one another. We offer them a couples dialogue. Similar to a visit to a foreign country, the dialogue ensures the necessary openness and appreciation to get closer to one another. The dialogue is designed so that only one person speaks at a time, and the other one pays attention, without assessing what was said or considering an answer.

Invitation to the dialogue

Actively shaping your relationship means that you keep extending invitations to each other: “Please lend me your ear for fifteen minutes, I want to tell you something.” Or the other way around: “You look worn out. Do you want to tell me about your day?” Maybe you’re thinking that’s what you do regularly, anyway. But honestly, when your partner starts talking, do you really listen? Or do you let her talk for a while and then say something yourself, without really responding to your partner’s story? Of course, that’s also an option, but be aware of the fact that at the time, you weren’t actually visiting your partner’s country. You might have heard about her experiences, but not about what she felt and why she reacted this way, and not differently.

Having a dialogue

The most important thing in a couples dialogue is that talking, listening, understanding, and empathy are all separate from each other. As mentioned earlier, active listening, speaking in “I” messages, appreciation, and acknowledgment are the critical elements of communication. In couples dialogue, all of these elements are united.

The principle is as follows: the two partners sit opposite each other, as close as possible, and look into each other’s eyes. It’s agreed that one person speaks first, while the other listens. After a while, they can switch. The person speaking talks about an occasion, a problem, an irritation, a happy experience, or whatever topic arises. As a host in their country, they make sure that their counterpart understands everything well. The person listening is the attentive visitor. Their job is to listen and “mirror,” that is, to repeat what was heard as precisely as possible.

The advantage of separating talking and listening is that one doesn’t have to repeatedly change channels. The listening person only has to be in receiving mode. The speaker is solely in sending mode, which is a relief, as they each only have to concentrate on one thing at a time.

That doesn’t mean that they have carte blanche. The person speaking is not allowed to verbally attack the listener. They must be aware of being the host, and must use a language that the guest can understand and accept. The listener, on the other hand, should keep all their wisdom, interpretations, ideas, and adversities to themselves. They should be aware of being a guest in another country, where they can get to know other cultures and customs, maybe even learn something about themselves and break down their prejudices.

Having conscious couples dialogues takes a little practice. And when the issues are difficult ones, for example, when you are fighting or are in the midst of a serious crisis, you will probably need the assistance of experienced therapists to succeed in dialogue. We’ve provided some exercises for you at the end of this chapter, with which you can try out the dialogue.

The power of dialogue

An essential part of Imago Couples Dialogue is active listening by repeating as precisely as possible what the other person has said. If you say to your wife: “I’m so frustrated that you have to go away for three days,” and your wife says: “I heard you say that you’re frustrated that I have to go away for three days,” she mirrored you perfectly.

You might think it’s a pretty strange way of speaking. Probably everyone feels the same way, the first time they are confronted with the principle of active listening. And it certainly would be strange if you asked your husband: “Darling, where did you park our car?” and your husband mirrored you by saying: “I heard you asking where I parked our car. Did I get you?” Such a situation requires nothing but a straightforward answer.

But if you want to address an important topic, then mirroring is an excellent tool for improving understanding and closeness. Brain research offers a good explanation of why this works. Researchers have discovered that someone being mirrored finds it easier to relax. It provides security and creates trust so that one is willing to dive deeper into the topic.

When Verena and Peter came to our office, Peter had severe burnout syndrome. He was head of a large company and thought it would be good idea to do couples therapy, as an entire workshop would take up too much time that he didn’t have. At the session, we asked Verena to mirror him. Peter protested. “That takes too much precious time; besides, I’m the one paying the bill here, and what good is it if someone just repeats what I say?”

Finally, he agreed, and Verena mirrored what she heard while looking into his eyes. “Did I get all of that?” she asked at the end. “You heard most of it,” Peter said. “I also said that I have the feeling my time is just running through my fingers, and with all the work, there’s nothing for me. All I do is function.” Verena mirrored his words, and suddenly, Peter’s eyes widened. “I don’t know why, but suddenly I feel incredibly sad, and I’m afraid to really feel it,” Verena mirrored. “You got me,” Peter said, “and now that I’ve said that, I also feel ashamed.” He was silent for a while, and then tears suddenly ran down his cheeks. “I have no idea why I’m crying,” he said, “but it feels good. I haven’t cried for thirty years.”

Weeks later, Peter told us that only through Verena’s attentive listening did he feel the security he needed. It was the only way he could unpack his deepest feelings. Peter was so impressed by the powerful effect of mirroring that he even introduced this technique to his company.

The goal is mutual benefit

If two people disagree, we usually consider compromise as the best possible solution. However, a compromise requires both to give something up. So, we think it’s more important to find a mutual benefit that doesn’t take something away from anyone, but rather, brings something new to both.

Imagine two thick ropes knotted together. If we cut the knot, all that’s left at both ends is disconnected pieces. They’re lost. It’s the same with compromise. When a couple in a crisis comes to us with the idea that a quick breakup is the best solution, it’s like the cut knot. Each one has lost something, and each is left holding a useless piece of rope. But if the couple connects and a dialogue begins, then it is as if this knot is carefully untied, and both ropes remain intact. Then, both of them can decide how their lives should continue.

What It Was Really About

The scene at the beginning of this chapter clearly describes what happens when two partners come from different countries. In Sabine’s country, multi-tasking is the issue: work, children, household. In Roland’s country, the issue is a busy therapy practice, with time for his children only during lunch break.

“When we got together in the evening, each of us was still trapped in their own country. Only because we, as therapists, know how important it is to listen to one another, did we both make an effort. But we were tired and unable to concentrate. We were unable to visit each other’s country.”

Then the first fighting words fell: “You’re not listening!” And the nagging because of a few crumbs was the last straw—basically, a typical situation both Roland and Sabine were well familiar with, because listening was not really a priority. In Sabine’s family, important matters were usually swept under the carpet, or only discussed when those involved were absent. In Roland’s family, the main topic of discussion was the family business. There was little room for personal matters.

“We should have made an agreement about who listens to whom, and when,” Roland said. “And I could have said: ‘Sabine, my dear, I’m tired, but I can see it’s important for you to tell me something. I suggest we take half an hour in which you can tell me everything, and I’ll pay close attention. And tomorrow evening, we’ll do it the other way around: I can talk, and you listen.’ That would have helped us to pay attention. We could have understood each other better, and both would have benefitted. But as it was, we ended our busy day with an argument, which cost us even more energy.“

What You Can Do

Try a mini-dialogue. Invite your partner to take part in an experiment. Take two chairs and sit facing each other, without a table or anything else between you. Relax your body, that is, don’t fold your arms, and maintain eye contact.

Use a timer—each of you is allowed to talk for five minutes, while the other one listens. Decide who speaks first and start with a simple subject. For example, I saw an older man in the subway who made me feel sad. Or: I had a funny dream last night. Or: I saw a film yesterday that touched me deeply. All of these are subjects that aren’t very ambitious to begin with, to ensure that your first dialogue is successful.

Agree on each saying a sentence the other one mirrors, beginning with: “I heard you saying….”, and ending with, “Did I get that?” When the sender feels he was correctly understood, he answers: “Yes, you got me.” If something important is missing, you say: “You got most of that, but what’s also important that you get, is…” And whatever is missing is mirrored again. After five minutes, you switch, regardless of the outcome.

After the two five-minute sessions, you both say: “The most important thing I got out of this conversation with you is….” It should be something constructive, nothing negative. Again, both parties should mirror this.

In the end, each of the parties should express appreciation for the other one, for example: “It felt so good that you listened to me with open, loving eyes.” Or: “I’m so glad that you told me about your experience in the subway, that you were so moved by it, and you let me see your tears.” Take at least an hour to mull over these mini-dialogues before you continue talking about them.

A crisis is often the result of important topics that have been avoided for too long between two people who are close to each other. Look for an Imago Therapist you feel confident with and, above all, be patient. Things took a long time to get shoved under the rug, so it will take some time to uncover them and resolve them properly.

Discover yourself. Take two chairs again and prepare everything as described for the “mini-dialogue.” Set the timer for thirty minutes and invite your partner to visit you. Choose an issue that has been on your mind lately, even if it has nothing to do with your partner.

Instead of describing the problem in detail, use the thirty minutes to figure out how this topic is connected with your history, childhood, or youth. Even if nothing comes up right away, allow yourself those thirty minutes. For the visiting partner, it’s important to be open. Even if you hear something you do not understand at all, mirror it lovingly and without further comment.

End the dialogue as described above.

We often receive recognition or appreciation from our partner without realizing it. Therefore, we suggest the following exercise:

Agree that for seven consecutive days, each of you will show appreciation or regard for the other, like commenting on something they did or a way that they behaved. Don’t say it in passing, but so that what you say is really heard. Ask your partner to mirror the appreciation.

Voice your appreciation, regardless of the daily situation, even if you’re not on the best terms at the moment. And in case your partner forgets, give them the chance to make up for it by doubling up the next day.

2.Where Love Falls

My partner is right, no matter what

It’s dusky in the living room. Sabine turns on the desk lamp and packs documents into a large shoulder bag. As she gets ready to go, Roland comes in.

“When are you coming back?” he asks.