Living with Grief E-Book

Heather Stang

• Herausgeber: CICO Books
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 234

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

Meditation and mindful practice to restore mind, body and spirit as you deal with the pain of loss. Loss is an inevitable part of life and the experience of grief can affect everyone. While nobody can predict the path of someone else's grief, this book will guide you through the process with simple mindfulness-based exercises to restore mind, body and spirit. In Living with Grief, an updated edition of Mindfulness and Grief, each chapter focuses on a different aspect of grief, and aims to enable you to honour your loved one's legacy while continuing your own life's path. You will find out ways to cope with the pain of loss and embark on a healing journey, through breath and body exercises for feeling overwhelmed or unsteadied by grief to relaxation techniques that will help you to release tension and steady your mind. While Living with Grief is centred around the death of a loved one, the mindfulness practices in the book will also be helpful to readers experiencing other kinds of loss, such as separation, divorce, unemployment, health-related loss and relocation.

Leseprobe

MINDFUL MEDITATIONS AND SELF-CARE STRATEGIES FOR NAVIGATING LOSS

heather stang

This edition published in 2024 by CICO Books

An imprint of Ryland Peters & Small Ltd

20–21 Jockey’s Fields

341 E 116th St

London WC1R 4BW

New York, NY 10029

www.rylandpeters.com

First published in 2014 as Mindfulness and Grief

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Text © Heather Stang 2014, 2024

Design © CICO Books 2014, 2024

The author’s moral rights have been asserted. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Neither the author nor the publisher can be held responsible for any claim arising out of the use or misuse of suggestions made in this book. If you are in any doubt about your health, please consult your doctor before making any changes to your usual well-being regime.

A CIP catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress and the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-80065-307-8

E-ISBN: 978-1-80065-349-8

Printed in China

Editor: Rosie Lewis

Designers: Emily Breen and Geoff Borin

Contents

Introduction

Lesson 1 Mindful Awareness

Lesson 2 Conscious Relaxation

Lesson 3 Compassion and Forgiveness

Lesson 4 Skillful Courage

Stillness and Grace: Your Daylong Retreat

Lesson 5 Getting Unstuck

Lesson 6 Continuing Bonds

Lesson 7 Allowing Transformation

Lesson 8 Perpetual Mindfulness

Afterword

References

Resources

Index

Acknowledgments

In loving memory of Don, Doug, & Tom

Allow

There is no controlling life.

Try corralling a lightning bolt,

containing a tornado. Dam a

stream and it will create a new

channel. Resist, and the tide

will sweep you off your feet.

Allow, and grace will carry

you to higher ground. The only

safety lies in letting it all in—

the wild with the weak; fear,

fantasies, failures and success.

When loss rips off the doors of

the heart, or sadness veils your

vision with despair, practice

becomes simply bearing the truth.

In the choice to let go of your

known way of being, the whole

world is revealed to your new eyes.

Danna Faulds, from Go In and In: Poems from the Heart of Yoga

INTRODUCTION

How to live with Grief

You have made a wise choice in opening this book. Even though you are grieving, anticipating a loss, or supporting others through such challenges, you have consciously reached for this guide. Your decision to delve into this journey showcases both courage and vulnerability—two essential ingredients in the recipe of resilience.

Perhaps you are curious not only about surviving grief, but how to understand it, coexist with it, and ultimately, continue living—fully, actively, meaningfully—in its presence. Your choice underscores a powerful truth: grief, while painful, does not preclude a life of purpose, connection, and even joy.

If you are in the throes of raw grief, and the idea of living fully with your loss feels unattainable, this book is for you too. The first three chapters will help you tend to acute pain. If you bought this book feeling a sense of optimism, but that spark has since flickered and dimmed, this book is still for you. Living with grief is not a linear journey. It is an ever-changing landscape, with peaks of clarity and valleys of confusion, all undulating with the ebb and flow of emotions. Some days may feel more overwhelming than others but remember; that is okay, and it is a normal, human experience of loss.

Posttraumatic Growth

If you feel skeptical and wonder if surviving grief is even possible, I assure you it is. I have worked with thousands of people in private sessions and support groups, in person and online. I meet most of my clients when the pain is fresh and raw. I am often asked how I can bear to witness this kind of suffering day after day. My answer is simple: I get to see the pain of loss change people in miraculous ways.

This is not some form of toxic positivity—that cringy tendency to overlook, belittle, or invalidate authentic human emotions such as grief, anger, regret, fear, anxiety, or shame. While positive emotions can be skillfully employed when they are genuine, they can also be harmful when forced, or when used to avoid or suppress real feelings that need acknowledgment and processing.

Personally, I do not regard my grief as a gift. If that were the case, I would gladly return this unwanted present in exchange for my loved ones—restored to a state of happiness and health—in an instant. But, given the reality of our losses, many grieving people report a positive, if uninvited, transformation.

The undeniable truth is that grief reshapes you, molding you into a different version of yourself. This transformation, not wished for but inevitable, contributes to what researchers Laurence G. Calhoun and Richard G. Tedeschi at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte, call “posttraumatic growth.” This term describes the beneficial changes and aspects of personal growth that follow any significant life event (grief included) that disrupts our emotional equilibrium and challenges our existing beliefs and personal narratives. I think of this as an awakening.

In describing the beneficial aspects of posttraumatic growth, the researchers do not imply that trauma is to be sought after or minimized—it is not toxic positivity. Acknowledging posttraumatic growth is simply to recognize that positive change can emerge from traumatic experiences. There are five key elements that constitute posttraumatic growth, as outlined by Calhoun and Tedeschi:

• Appreciation of life and everyday moments

• Improved relationships with others (I also add with Self)

• Sense of new possibilities in lifestyle and interests

• Increased personal strength and self-reliance

• Spiritual change or growth.

Grieving Your Way

This book is not about prescribing a singular “right” way to navigate grief. Such a thing simply does not exist. Modern grief research, or thanatology, recognizes this, even if popular culture has yet to catch up. The chapters in this book outline what I call the “Mindfulness and Grief System,” an approach that teaches you how to live with loss.

You will find numerous practices here—some will resonate deeply, while others may not. Encountering a practice that does not click can be an opportunity for self-reflection. Is it uncomfortable because it is challenging, pressing on a raw part of your grief? Or does it simply not align with your personal journey? Sometimes what we resist most can offer the deepest healing, yet it is equally important to recognize not all practices are suitable for everyone—and that is perfectly fine.

Honor your feelings, instincts, and pace. Remember, this is your journey. If a particular practice doesn’t suit you, that does not mean you are “doing grief wrong”. It simply means that there are tools and methods better suited to your needs and experiences. Be patient with yourself and keep exploring.

Your Resilience Toolkit

This guide contains the self-care practices and coping skills that I teach my clients and use myself. I include meditation, mindful movement (yoga), and journaling, as well as a few creative expression exercises.

Self-Care: The Bedrock of Resilience

Self-care practices aim to replenish your body and mind, laying a strong groundwork for your journey through grief. They help to build a supportive environment conducive to healing and growth. It is the act of showing up for yourself consistently, offering nourishment to your body, and kindness to your mind and heart.

Planning self-care can feel like a lot when you are already feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you think you do not have the time, the energy, or even that you are not worth it. So here is a simple hack: pick one exercise from the book and give yourself permission to start with just five minutes a day for one week. That’s it! You are not allowed to do more, even if you want to. Start with baby steps and see where it takes you.

Coping Skills: Your Lifeline in Stormy Seas

Coping skills are like a life jacket you can reach for when tossed into turbulent and emotional waters. They are the immediate, on-the-spot strategies that help you turn down the volume in stressful situations and calm intense emotions. While self-care practices help build resilience over time, coping skills provide immediate relief in moments of distress. They help us regain our equilibrium and offer a moment of respite from the throes of emotional pain.

You may not always remember to use your coping skills in the heat of the moment, and that is okay. Grief has a way of clouding our minds and sometimes we may simply forget. When you do remember, take a moment to celebrate this victory, however small it may seem. Over time it will become second nature.

The Role of Mindfulness

Mindfulness and meditation serve as the common thread binding these practices. They infuse each element of self-care and coping with a deeper level of awareness. As you embrace mindfulness, you foster a kinder and more compassionate relationship with your grief.

Mindfulness and grief contain the seeds of transformation. Grief forces you to change by assigning you unexpected roles, removing the physical, emotional, and material resources you once had, and changing your assumptive world into an unfamiliar landscape.

Mindfulness allows you to make the most of this new territory by introducing you to the self you are in the process of becoming through your senses. As you reacquaint yourself with your spirit by slowing down and turning your focus inward, you will hear the whispered wisdom of your true self, which has long been forgotten and can now be remembered.

How to Use this Book

Each chapter in this book includes supportive meditation and journaling exercises. I have included suggested practice times for each exercise but do what works best for you. A personal daylong retreat is also included between Lesson 4 and Lesson 5. You can move through the book sequentially or jump to a lesson that feels like what you need. It is helpful to read through each exercise once or twice before you try it for the first time. Key exercises are available for download at mindfulnessandgrief.com/living-with-grief.

Bowing to Ancient Wisdom

You do not need to be a Buddhist or Yogi to benefit from mindfulness, as the wisdom of these teachings transcends boundaries and enriches lives universally. I did not invent mindfulness or yoga for grief. My simple contribution is to pair these ancient practices with modern thanatology.

The rich cultures that inform this book—Buddhist and Hindu—are two that I deeply respect and benefit from myself. I offer 10,000 bows of gratitude to the sages, teachers, and practitioners who have passed on this wisdom. May these teachings benefit all beings and help reduce suffering.

A Nod to Mindfulness and Grief

This book is an updated version of Mindfulness and Grief and replaces the eight-week plan with an eight-lesson format to eliminate any confusion about a timeframe for coping with grief. It does contain the same eight themes that are the foundation of the Mindfulness and Grief System, a technique featured in The Handbook of Grief Therapies (2023) and my guided journal, From Grief to Peace (2021). While many hospices, grief counselors, yoga therapists, and meditation instructors choose to lead this as an eight-week course, this book offers the opportunity to progress at your own pace.

My Aspiration for You

Grief isn’t something that can be fixed; it is a reality you learn to live with. It invites you to develop self-care habits, rely on healthy coping skills, and connect with people who can lend support or sit with you in silence. Grieving in a mindful way is a nuanced shift in perspective, one that takes time and patience, but that will transform the way you relate to your loss and to yourself.

It is my intention that this guide will feel like a wise and compassionate friend. May these practices be a place you can call home for the rest of your life, and to which you will be able to return again and again to grieve, to love, to celebrate, and to heal. The next time your world is uprooted, you will know you have what it takes not only to survive, but also to live and love again.

With loving-kindness,

Heather Stang, M.A., C.A.

Lesson 1 Mindful Awareness

Equanimity through the storm and beyond

When the heart grieves over what it has lost,

The spirit rejoices over what it has left.

SUFI EPIGRAM

Mindfulness and Grief

When you are overwhelmed by grief, mindfulness will help you cultivate equanimity—a calm and steady mind—even as painful emotions arise. Rather than avoiding or compounding what you feel, mindfulness is the practice that allows you to honor your grief as a natural response to love and loss, and frees you from self-criticism or shame. As you learn to be patient and kind to yourself, you will become more able to tap into your resilience during challenging times. Through the lens of mindfulness, the storm of grief becomes less overwhelming as you learn how to expand your view. It’s like wiping a foggy window to see clearly outside. You find there’s not just grief, but love too. With each breath you take, you can say “Yes, I’m grieving, but that’s not all there is to me.”

UNDERSTANDING MINDFULNESS

On the first day of the Teaching Advanced Meditation Techniques program at the Kripalu Center, our teacher Sudhir Jonathan Foust illustrated a simple yet poignant definition of mindfulness originally described by Chogyam Trungpa. He drew what looked like the letter V, but more open and with curvy sides. “What’s this?” he asked. We all agreed it must be a bird, and eagerly shouted out our response. He smiled and paused for a moment.

“Sky, with bird,” he said.

That is mindfulness. It’s about observing the sky and the bird equally, without any urge to alter either. When you apply this mindfulness principle to grief, you are able to fully observe your experience: your heartache, love, fear, anger, appreciation for the friend who brought a casserole, and anything else that arrives at your door.

Mindfulness is comprehensive, and it shifts your perspective from an “either/or” to a “both/and” stance. This openness dissolves unhelpful struggle, leading to clarity and compassion. Though grief remains, you’ll come to understand that, just as with happiness, pain is also impermanent.

When you stop trying to change the unchangeable, you can take care of what can be change. Everything else you can meet with mindful acceptance. Acceptance is a loaded word; when used unskillfully it makes us feel unseen, unheard, and demoralized. If you have ever been told to “buck up” or “get over it,” you know how quickly it can shut you down.

Mindful Acceptance

When the unthinkable happens, mindful acceptance invites you to honor yourself and your experience with dignity and kindness. Rather than turn your back on your own suffering, you treat yourself as you would a beloved friend. You take the time to pay attention to the physical sensations, thoughts, and feelings that accompany your pain.

This kind of acceptance means that you choose thoughtfully how to respond, and temper your response with compassion. You will know you do not need to numb your pain or run from reality, nor do you need to punish yourself through blame, guilt, self-loathing, or feel a sense of unworthiness. You can find the middle ground of equanimity.

The Teachings of the Buddha

The practice of mindfulness is now popular in mainstream culture, but the historical context is often overlooked. It may be helpful to understand where these practices came from. While mindfulness and meditation existed prior to the historical Buddha, it’s his teachings that introduced these techniques to those of us who were not on a committed spiritual journey.

The Buddha was born Prince Siddhartha Gautama, the heir to a small kingdom in the foothills of the Himalayas. A sage predicted that the young prince would grow up to be either a great ruler or a great spiritual teacher. His father, the king, wanted Siddhartha to be a great ruler like himself, and took extreme measures to surround his son with all the luxuries money could buy so that he would not want to leave the palace.

When Siddhartha was of age, he married a beautiful princess, and together they had a son. However, when Siddhartha reached the age of 29, something inside him became restless. For the first time in his very privileged and sheltered life, he left the royal compound. In that fateful first visit to town he witnessed suffering for the first time:

• First he saw an old man

• Then a sick man

• Lastly a corpse.

Surprised, the young prince asked his chariot-driver: “Who becomes afflicted like these people?” The chariot-driver, Channa, replied, “Everyone.”

Siddhartha left the palace a second time, and encountered a wandering ascetic, a spiritual man. The prince asked his chariot-driver: “Who is that?” Channa explained, “That is a man seeking truth and liberation; he has left worldly things behind.”

Prince Siddhartha was so inspired that he left his wife and child in the care of his family and became a wandering ascetic himself. He meditated, practiced yoga, and ate very little for six years. Homeless, sick, and nearly starving to death, Siddhartha realized that a life of renunciation was not getting him anywhere closer to the truth.

At this realization, he accepted a mixture of milk, rice flour, and honey in a golden bowl from a young maiden. This act of self-indulgence angered the five ascetics with whom he was traveling. Untouched by their disdain and recognizing the golden bowl as a sign of impending Buddhahood (as it was well known at the time that all previous Buddhas had eaten from a golden bowl), Siddhartha sat down under the Tree of Enlightenment, the Bodhi Tree. He vowed not to stop meditating until he reached perfect enlightenment—Nirvana.

As dusk fell, the great demon Devaputra Mara appeared and conjured up many visions to distract Siddhartha from his aim. However, none of his tactics worked and, enraged, the demon finally demanded: “Who are you to seek enlightenment? Who will testify that you are worthy of perfect enlightenment?”

Siddhartha reached down with one finger and touched the earth. “The earth is my witness,” he said. The story goes that the world shook with such vigor that Mara and his demon army fled in fear. Able to calm his own internal demons and steady his mind, Siddhartha finally achieved enlightenment and became the Buddha, the “awakened one.”

After his enlightenment, the Buddha could see that all people wanted to be happy, but most did not know the way. He could see that everyone had Buddha Nature inside, but most did not realize it. Overcome with compassion, he decided to share what he had learned with the world, and spent the rest of his life teaching what is known as dharma, or truth.

The Four Noble Truths and the End of Suffering

The Buddha’s first lesson is known as the Four Noble Truths. It details the causes of suffering and gives instructions for ending suffering.

The First Noble Truth acknowledges that pain, or dukkha, exists. We will all be disappointed, experience loss, and be unsatisfied at some point in our lives, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. In short, we will encounter pain just as we encounter pleasure. Pain in this context refers to an inevitable and uncontrollable event, such as the death of a loved one or an illness.

The Second Noble Truth says that suffering exists because of our attachment to cravings, aversions, and a false sense of security. Suffering in this context is our reaction to pain, which is often unskillful. We hold on tightly to sensory pleasures, opinions, rituals, and the belief that everything is permanent, when in reality everything is fluid.

The Third Noble Truth gives us the good news: we can end our suffering and achieve a state of peace in which we will be untouched by the forces of greed, hatred, and delusion; the root causes of suffering.

The Fourth Noble Truth tells us that the way to end our suffering is through the Noble Eightfold Path. This involves living our life with right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. The lesson is that neither self-indulgence nor self-denial will lead to peace, and it is called the Middle Path.

Charting your Own Middle Path through Grief

The Middle Path and the Four Noble Truths can help you navigate your grief in the modern age. When a loved one dies, you come face to face with the First Noble Truth: pain exists. You realize how temporary life is and recognize that at any moment everything you “know” to be true can suddenly fall apart. It feels as though there is no ground beneath your feet. Some of us become preoccupied with our loss, while others try to avoid thinking about it altogether by numbing our pain with food, drugs, or alcohol. This is the Second Noble Truth in action: suffering comes from clinging and aversion, or obsession and avoidance.

The Third Noble Truth promises the end of suffering, which gives us hope in the face of great pain. This leads us to the practices offered in the Fourth Noble Truth. It is often said that if you follow just one of the practices suggested in the Noble Eightfold Path, the other seven will naturally show up in your life. In this book we will focus on mindfulness.

Even in the absence of grief, the practice of mindfulness may seem daunting. If you have ever picked up a magazine with a meditating model smiling with bliss on a beach, you will know what I mean. However, the truth is that a moment of mindful peace is not as far away as you might think, and just that one moment can imbue your whole being with hope. I see this happen regularly in grief groups, and all it takes is focused attention on your breath and your body.

Mindfulness lets you expand your view by placing you in the middle ground between denying your pain and overindulging in your suffering. From that vantage point you can observe the whole experience with a sense of openness to whatever arises. You stay in contact with the entire scope of your existence, and you experience grief without becoming grief itself.

The first step to practicing mindfulness is to understand that there is no right way to grieve. You may have been told that you will grieve in stages, but contemporary grief research shows that there is no single “right way” to grieve. The fact is that each of us experiences grief in our own way. Your reaction to loss is determined by a combination of factors:

• The nature of your relationship with the person who died

• The way they died

• Your physical health

• Your life circumstances

• Learned coping strategies

• Your age

• Available social and economic support (or lack thereof).

Most people experience uncomfortable physical sensations, emotions, thoughts, and changed behavior, but no two people are identical. You may find that relationships increase in intimacy or dissolve completely. Religious or spiritual practice will either provide you with comfort or seem inadequate as you try to make sense of the loss. No matter what happens, if you learn to be mindful of your experience you can learn to respond rather than react.

Mindfully relating to your grief means being fully aware of your experience of loss while simultaneously embracing whatever arises in you with compassion and loving-kindness. This does not mean that you have to be happy despite your loss. It means that instead of fighting a losing battle against something you cannot change, you observe the situation in order to develop wisdom and reduce your suffering.

The Chinese symbol for mindfulness is a combination of the symbols for “now” and “heart.” This sums it up perfectly: mindfulness is the practice of opening your heart to what is happening right now. Openness is compassionate and caring: holding the moment in a tender embrace rather than attacking it with hatred and violence.

I like the notion of “calm abiding.” One of my meditation friends loves the expression “to be with” what is happening. Mindfulness teaches us that we don’t have to fix, label, or judge what arises. In fact, most of the time trying to fix the situation is useless. Instead, we learn how to respond to a situation without reacting; this gives us an amazing amount of freedom, and helps us to get unstuck.

We are born mindful and curious, but as we grow we are influenced by others and by our own experiences. Everything, from how we potty-train to what type of food we like, is labeled “good” or “bad.” We stop noticing things “just as they are,” and instead we begin to make snap judgments on autopilot. In this way we learn to chase after pleasure and push everything else away. We create a story about “how things are supposed to be.” We tell ourselves why we deserve or don’t deserve whatever is happening to us, when so often what is happening isn’t personal at all. Unfortunately, most of us become cut off from our true nature, deny reality, and never feel that we are quite fully alive.

The death of a loved one moves the autopilot switch to “off.” This is a wakeup call—a bell of awareness—an opportunity to intentionally change course. At first you may feel numb. This is normal. It is the body’s graceful way of helping you cope in the early days of loss. Eventually you will realize that you need to reroute, but you may not be sure where to begin; this is where mindfulness can help. If you think of your life as a journey, the present moment is the “You Are Here” marker on the map. No matter how disoriented you feel, your mindfulness practice will help bring you back to the safe harbor of the present moment using the tools you already have: your breath and your body. You can then make the choice to leave the autopilot switch set to “off,” and instead chart your own course.

How to Begin Your Mindfulness Practice

Mindfulness is both a state of mind and a type of meditation practice. Both are rooted in the idea that the closer we are to the truth, the more liberated we will become. Remembering our own true nature is especially difficult after a significant loss. Nothing feels right. We are uncomfortable in our own skin. You may even be asking yourself, “How on earth am I going to make it?”

The answer is that we are going to take baby steps. Some days they will be really tiny baby steps, where just walking across the room to sit on your meditation cushion is like climbing Mount Everest barefoot with a monkey on your back. Other days you will surprise yourself with a baby leap as you find peace in the rhythm of your own breath for a few precious moments. Eventually you will wake up one morning and realize that you slept through the night for the first time, or you will eat a meal and find yourself enjoying the taste of the food.

Remember: it does not matter if you were naturally calm and healthy before your loss, or if you were always on the go and never thought twice about relaxation. We are going to start from where you are now, and consider the possibility that one day you will look over your shoulder to where you have come from and discover that the accumulation of baby steps (and baby leaps) has delivered you safely to the other side of the canyon of grief.

What to expect from your practice

The first time you reconnect with your body you may feel as though you are meeting a long-lost friend. The reconnection may be bittersweet, but as you learn to pay attention to the present moment you will move beyond the story of who you think you are, and open yourself to satya