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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Fachliteratur
- Sprache: Englisch
Combat the rising epidemic of loneliness with trustworthy information and advice
Loneliness for Dummies helps readers understand loneliness and how to take steps to overcome this unwanted feeling. At some point in life, loneliness affects everyone. It can be triggered by unusual situations and events like children leaving home, losing a loved one, working remotely, moving, divorce, or retirement. It can also occur seemingly without reason. Thanks to this book, you don’t have to be afraid of being lonely. Loneliness For Dummies explains that loneliness is a natural reaction that signals us to make a change. You’ll learn the signs to look out for to assess loneliness, why people feel lonely, and most importantly, step-by-step actions you can take to reduce your feelings of loneliness. Read case studies of people who have felt lonely to see how they overcame loneliness. This book includes a simple scale to help you measure how lonely you feel, so you can identify which changes to make and assess your progress.
- Learn why people feel lonely, including the situations that trigger loneliness and what this uncomfortable feeling means
- Discover the signs of loneliness so you can recognize it in others and step in to help
- Complete a questionnaire to gauge your own loneliness and identify steps you can take to feel less lonely
- Make changes to your lifestyle that will lead to greater satisfaction in the long run
This is the perfect Dummies guide for anyone who is currently feeling adrift without social connections and wants to make a change. Organizations looking for a reference for students or outreach professionals will also appreciate Loneliness For Dummies.
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Loneliness For Dummies®
To view this book's Cheat Sheet, simply go to www.dummies.com and search for “Loneliness For Dummies Cheat Sheet” in the Search box.
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
About This Book
Foolish Assumptions
Icons Used in This Book
Beyond the Book
Where to Go from Here
Help Us Assess How the Book Helps You
Part 1: Understanding Loneliness
Chapter 1: Loneliness and Why You Feel It
What Is Loneliness?
Is It Loneliness Or Something Else?
Why Do You Feel Lonely?
The Prevalence of Loneliness
Thinking about Ways to Overcome Loneliness
Chapter 2: Who’s at Risk of Loneliness and How It’s Measured
Demographic Characteristics That Can Lead to Loneliness
How Personal Circumstances Influence Loneliness
Life Events That Trigger Loneliness
Measurement Tools for Loneliness
Chapter 3: The Wide-ranging Costs of Chronic Loneliness
Personal Costs of Loneliness
Costs to the Economy
Part 2: Creating Havens of Social Connection and Belonging
Chapter 4: Making Connections at Home
Moving In with a Partner
Living with the In-Laws
Having and Raising Children
Finding Yourself Trapped in a Lonely Relationship
Adjusting to Marriage by Arrangement
Experiencing Domestic Abuse
Creating a Connected Home
Chapter 5: Belonging in Your Community
Feeling Disconnected in the Community
Bridging Gaps in Your Community to Encourage Belonging
Harnessing Connectedness and Community in Public Spaces
Chapter 6: Finding Your Place at Work
What Is Workplace Loneliness?
The Influence of Workplace Culture on Loneliness
Impact of Employment Practices on Loneliness
Addressing Workplace Loneliness
Chapter 7: Interacting Through Technology
Using Technology to Find and Connect with Friends
Distracting Yourself with “Surrogate Relationships”
Immersing in a Virtual World
Part 3: Dealing with Loneliness During Life Transitions
Chapter 8: Overcoming Bereavement
The Loneliness of Grief
Dealing with Loss in Your Own Way (and Time)
Resuming Your Life
Chapter 9: The Loneliness of Health Conditions and Disabilities
Preventing Loneliness Due to a Physical Illness or Disability
Loneliness and Disabilities
Inhibiting Disorders
Serious Conditions
Chapter 10: Understanding the Interplay between Mental Health and Loneliness
Common Mental Health Conditions
Cognitive Impairment
Addiction and Eating Disorders
Chapter 11: Becoming a Caregiver
Knowing What to Expect as a Caregiver
Understanding the Caregiving Role
Adjusting To Life When Your Caregiving Role Ceases
Chapter 12: Making an Education or Employment Change
Facing New Educational Situations
Starting Work or Changing Jobs
Finding Yourself Out of Work
Facing Loneliness in Retirement
Part 4: Beating Loneliness
Chapter 13: Overcoming Loneliness Through Therapy or Healing Practices
Getting Therapeutic Support
Developing Healing Techniques
Chapter 14: Developing Meaningful Relationships
Assessing Your Current and Past Relationships
Connecting with Like-Minded People
Helping Others
Chapter 15: Finding Meaningful Places
What It Means to Belong to a Place
Identifying with a Specific Place
Enjoying a Sense of Belonging
Chapter 16: Building Resilience to Loneliness
Squashing the Stigma of Loneliness
Preparing for Life Transitions
Being Loneliness-Ready
Part 5: The Part of Tens
Chapter 17: Ten Tips to Break Out of Loneliness
Recognizing and Accepting Loneliness
Preparing for Life’s Transition Points
Building Your Social Network
Connecting to Others through Work
Engaging in Meaningful Activities
Visiting Familiar Places
Immersing Yourself in Green Spaces
Getting Active
Helping Others
Getting Therapeutic Support
Chapter 18: Eleven Suggestions for Young People
Prioritizing Face-to-Face Contact
Joining a Sports Group
Gaming Interactively
Connecting with Technology
Using Social Media Cautiously
Connecting Through Apps
Listening to Music
Getting a Part-Time Job
Becoming a Befriender
Letting People In
Spending Time Where You Belong
Chapter 19: Ten Pointers for Men
Showing Your Sporting Prowess
Becoming a Sports Spectator
Offering your Expertise and Skills
Connecting Through Work
Setting Yourself a Challenge
Going Outdoors
Gaming
Building and Creating
Talking to Other Men
Accessing Social Prescribing
Chapter 20: Ten Tactics for Later Life
Finding a Surrogate Relationship
Getting a Four-Legged Friend
Taking Up or Resuming a Hobby
Chatting by Phone and Video
Intergenerational Bonding
Accessing Support Groups
Getting a Befriender
Offering Your Services
Learning a New Skill
Visiting Meaningful Places
Appendix: Further Resources
Alcohol and Drug Misuse
Bereavement
Cancer
Caregiving
Children and Young People
Counseling and Therapy
Crime and Safety
Dementia
Domestic Abuse
Eating Disorders
Friendship Apps
HIV
Marital Issues
Mental Health Support
National Loneliness Responses
Obesity
Parkrun
Sexual Orientation
Skin Conditions
Social Prescribing
Suicidal Thoughts
Urinary Incontinence
Loneliness Awareness Campaigns
Index
About the Author
Advertisement Page
Connect with Dummies
End User License Agreement
List of Tables
Chapter 13
TABLE 13-1 Relationship Problem Areas
TABLE 13-2 Techniques for Dealing with Relationship Issues
TABLE 13-3 Meditation Practices
Chapter 14
TABLE 14-1 People from Jeanette’s Lifeline Map
List of Illustrations
Chapter 1
FIGURE 1-1: Mind map of your experience of loneliness.
FIGURE 1-2: George’s experience of loneliness.
Chapter 14
FIGURE 14-1: Sample lifeline map of social relationships.
FIGURE 14-2: Sample sociogram.
FIGURE 14-3: Changes to sociogram over time.
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Begin Reading
Appendix: Further Resources
Index
About the Author
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Loneliness For Dummies®
Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774, www.wiley.com
Copyright ©2024 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey
Published simultaneously in Canada
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2024932607
ISBN: 978-1-394-22932-1 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-394-22934-5 (ePDF); ISBN 978-1-394-22933-8 (ePub)
Introduction
Loneliness affects millions of people across the globe and is something that everyone experiences from time to time. It’s just a natural part of being human. When you feel lonely, it’s your body’s way of sending you a message to make more or different connections. It’s like your body’s way of getting you to drink water by making you thirsty.
Although loneliness is unpleasant and unwanted, it doesn’t usually last for long. Once you start making connections with other people or with places you feel a sense of belonging to, the loneliness often disappears. However, if you don’t take action when you feel lonely, the feeling can linger for some time. And the longer it remains, the more likely it is to lead to other health implications. Long-term loneliness can affect your physical health and mental well-being.
It’s important, then, to understand why you’re feeling lonely, what you can do to avoid that, and how you can tackle loneliness when it emerges. You can take measures to make yourself more resilient to loneliness and to stop yourself from feeling lonely in different aspects of your life — at home, at school, at work, and in your community. You can also take action to combat loneliness when you’re more susceptible to it, such as when you go away to college, move, experience bereavement, become a caregiver, or retire.
By being aware of loneliness, understanding why it surfaces, accepting it, and taking appropriate action, you can improve your health and well-being and lead a happy life.
About This Book
As Loneliness For Dummies demonstrates, you can prevent and reduce any feelings of loneliness by following a range of techniques and strategies in different aspects of your life. You can easily incorporate these into your daily life, whether you’re a young person who’s in school or working at your first job, an older person who has retired, a high-flying executive working long hours, or a full-time caregiver looking after a child or adult.
In this book, I explain that you don’t have to be afraid of being lonely. I help you understand what loneliness is, if you’re at risk, and why you might feel lonely. I explain the health and well-being implications of feeling lonely and provide you with the signs to look out for and tools to assess whether you or your loved ones are lonely.
I help you examine if you’re lonely in different parts of your life so that you can judge whether those parts are a source of loneliness or a haven of connection. These include your home, your place of education or employment, your neighborhood or community, and your interactions with technology (such as social media or gaming). For each, I explain the pitfalls that can lead to loneliness and offer ways out of loneliness to make your home, your school, your workplace, your community, and your interaction with technology places where you feel connected and experience a sense of belonging.
I also demonstrate how to deal with loneliness at different transition times, such as when you lose someone you love, when you experience changes in your school or employment environment, when you encounter a physical or mental health problem, and when you either become a caregiver or cease becoming one.
Finally, I give you some key strategies and techniques to improve your connections so that you can beat loneliness. I focus on improving your meaningful connections with other people, enhancing your sense of connection and belonging to different places, and developing a positive relationship with yourself so that you feel comfortable being yourself.
Importantly, I assist you in becoming more resilient to loneliness so that if it does strike at a particular time in your life, in a particular place, or due to a life change, you’re better equipped to deal with it and move on.
Foolish Assumptions
I wrote this book for everyone and anyone. You don’t have to have any knowledge or understanding of loneliness to read it. You can be of any age, position in society, gender, sexual orientation, or health condition. This book is designed for all of you. Likewise, even if you already know a lot about loneliness, you’ll find this book useful.
Who might want to read this book? I assume, perhaps foolishly, that you or someone you love is feeling lonely. I also assume that you want to eliminate those feelings of loneliness from your life. And you’re most likely interested in helpful strategies that can fit your lifestyle and personality. If these descriptions strike a chord, this book is for you.
On the other hand, you may be a health professional, social worker, employer, or teacher who’s looking for a comprehensive, easy to-understand resource for your patients, customers, employees, or students who are feeling lonely or are at risk of loneliness. Readers over the years have said that the For Dummies books on mental health issues have been helpful in both their recovery and their understanding of what they’re dealing with in therapy.
Icons Used in This Book
Throughout this book, I use icons in the margins to quickly point out different types of information. Here are the icons you’ll see and a few words about what they mean.
As the name of this icon implies, I don’t want you to forget the information that accompanies it.
This icon emphasizes pieces of practical information or bits of insight that you can put to work.
This icon appears when you need to be careful or seek professional help.
This icon appears when I provide an example of a real person’s experience with loneliness.
Beyond the Book
You can find a free Cheat Sheet online. Go to www.dummies.com and type “Loneliness for Dummies Cheat Sheet” in the Search box. The cheat sheet informs you of the signs that you may feel lonely, offers some loneliness dos and don’ts, as provides resources for additional help.
Where to Go from Here
Most books are written so that you have to start on page 1 and read straight through. But I’ve written Loneliness For Dummies so that you can use the detailed Table of Contents to pick and choose what you want to read based on your individual interests. Don’t worry too much about reading chapters and parts in any particular order. Read whatever chapters apply to your situation.
However, I suggest that you at least skim Part 1 because it contains a variety of fascinating facts as well as important ideas for getting started. In addition, if you’re feeling particularly lonely and have been for some time, I suggest you start with Chapter 5 and continue with Part 4. These chapters cover a variety of ways to become more resilient to loneliness and overcome it. They guide you to making connections with other people, gaining a sense of belonging, and developing a positive relationship with yourself so that you can beat loneliness. After you read those chapters, feel free to continue picking and choosing other topics you want to explore.
Help Us Assess How the Book Helps You
I’m eager to find out how this book helps you feel less lonely, so would encourage you to complete a short survey found here: https://shusls.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_a2WvrHIYq2tVvLM or by clicking the QR code.
Part 1
Understanding Loneliness
IN THIS PART …
Look at what loneliness really is.
Identify who is at risk of loneliness.
Consider the various costs of loneliness.
Chapter 1
Loneliness and Why You Feel It
IN THIS CHAPTER
Defining loneliness
Recognizing feelings of loneliness
Understanding why you feel lonely
Looking at the prevalence of loneliness
Millions of people worldwide experience loneliness. It’s so widespread that governments across the globe are implementing national strategies and action plans to tackle it.
It’s common to feel lonely at some point in your life. Although loneliness is a natural part of being human, when it strikes it can be particularly unpleasant. If you’re persistently lonely it can affect your mental health and well-being, and it can make you feel depressed, anxious, and insecure. It can also cause you to be more susceptible to physical health conditions such as heart disease and dementia.
But the good news is that loneliness doesn’t usually last for a long time, and even if it does, you can use several tactics to combat it and start to live a positive and happy life again. If you know someone you suspect is lonely and want to help them, or if you’re currently feeling lonely yourself, this book can offer perspective and strategies for overcoming loneliness.
For better or worse, as this chapter explores, you’re not alone in experiencing loneliness. Unfortunately, it’s a common issue worldwide. This chapter looks at what loneliness is and what it isn’t — in particular by clarifying the difference between loneliness and social isolation, which, contrary to popular belief, aren’t the same. It defines loneliness and examines the reasons behind those feelings.
What Is Loneliness?
Loneliness is an unwelcome and generally unpleasant emotional feeling that you get when you have a lack or loss of companionship. It happens when there is a discrepancy between the quantity and quality of the social relationships that you have, and those that you want.
Loneliness is categorized into two types: transient, and chronic.
Transient loneliness
In the short term, psychologists and neuroscientists don’t see loneliness as a problem but more of an indicator that a change is required. This kind of short-term loneliness, which often arises as a signal to make a change, is called transient loneliness.
Transient loneliness is temporary and can be the result of a life change. A number of life changes can cause you to experience transient loneliness. These can include changing schools, going away to college, starting a new job, moving to a new neighborhood, experiencing an empty nest when your children grow up and leave home, separating or divorcing, being recently unemployed or retired, or becoming a care-giver. Chapter 2 explains more about life transitions.
Although transient loneliness can be unpleasant, psychologists see it as an inherent part of human nature. It’s not necessarily problematic because it may prompt you to take action to connect with others and invest time and effort toward relationship building.
If you’re experiencing transient loneliness, it’s a good idea to work on it as soon as possible so that it doesn’t become chronic loneliness.
Chronic loneliness
Unaddressed transient loneliness can lead to chronic loneliness. Chronic loneliness can be more difficult to escape from, which means it can also be more damaging for your long-term health.
With chronic loneliness you start to develop negative perceptions of yourself and think that other people are negative toward you too. This can make you feel lonelier because you might be less likely to reach out to connect with others. This kind of chronic loneliness can lead to mental and physical health conditions, as I explain in Chapters 9 and 10.
Is It Loneliness Or Something Else?
It’s easy to mix up feeling lonely with being socially isolated, but they’re different. Assessing whether you’re feeling lonely or are socially isolated will help you decide which solutions are the most appropriate for you. You might be both socially isolated and lonely. If you are, there are ways to address that, too.
Experiencing social isolation
With social isolation, you don’t have any, or many, social ties with other people. This isolation is strongly connected to the quantity of contacts that you have. If you’re socially isolated, it means that you have a lack of social interaction. In any given week of the year, you don’t see, hear from, or talk to many, or any, other people.
Social isolation can be both voluntary and involuntary. You might choose to be socially isolated and actually enjoy it. If this is you, it’s fine. It’s okay to like being alone and to enjoy solitude, which I discuss later.
Because you can enjoy social isolation, it’s not necessarily something negative. But not everyone enjoys being alone, and you might find yourself socially isolated and unhappy about it. If that’s the case, the good news is that you can alleviate social isolation quite quickly. You just need to have more contact with other people. I provide some tips on how to connect with other people quickly in Chapters 5 and 14.
ARE YOU SOCIALLY ISOLATED?
For a quick way to measure whether you’re socially isolated, ask yourself the following question:
In a typical week how often do you have contact with family and friends? Every day or almost every daySeveral times a weekAbout once a weekLess than once a weekNeverIf your answer is once a week or less often, you’re probably socially isolated. If you enjoy being alone and are perfectly happy, then carry on as you are. But if you’d prefer more social contact, Chapters 5 and 14 have some helpful tips.
Loneliness is subtly different from social isolation. I mentioned earlier that social isolation is an objective count of your social contacts. Well, loneliness is more subjective. It’s a personal, unpleasant condition that arises when you have fewer, or different kinds of, social relationships than you’d like. Loneliness can emerge because the quality of your relationships is poorer than you’d like or because you feel that your relationships are subpar to those of your peers. Because loneliness is an unpleasant feeling, it’s always a negative condition, and it’s always involuntary. No one chooses to feel lonely.
Loneliness can take a little longer to resolve than social isolation because it’s based more on the formation of a bond with other people. But you’ll be pleased to know that you can create bonds to help you feel less lonely by following some simple steps in Chapter 5. And while you’re waiting for those bonds to form, you can rekindle your sense of belonging to places that you enjoy visiting. (See Chapter 15 for some quick tips.) You can also build your resilience to feeling lonely and stop that negative cycle of loneliness by improving the way you feel about yourself. I help you with techniques for accomplishing this in Chapters 13 and 16.
The measures of social isolation and loneliness that I provide here are designed to be a basic and quick assessment only. For a full assessment of your levels of loneliness, see Chapter 2.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU FEEL LONELY?
A quick way to measure if you’re lonely is to answer the following question:
How often do you feel lonely?
Often/alwaysSome of the timeOccasionallyHardly everNeverIf you’ve ticked often/always, some of the time, or occasionally, you’re probably feeling lonely. Loneliness is a common emotion. Recognizing that you’re lonely is the first step to reducing your feelings of loneliness. There are tips and techniques to help you throughout the book. For a quick snapshot of top tips turn to Chapter 17.
Feeling lonely in a crowd
Although social isolation and loneliness are quite different, they’re also closely related. You can be both socially isolated and lonely. Or you can be socially isolated and not feel lonely. Likewise, you can feel lonely and not be socially isolated. This is where the phrase “feeling lonely in a crowd” comes from.
You might be surrounded by people, so not socially isolated, yet still feel lonely. When this happens it’s often because you don’t have meaningful relationships with the people you’re in contact with. (For more on meaningful relationships, see Chapter 14.) This could be for a whole range of reasons. You might not get along with the people you’re in contact with or not have anything in common with them. Or you might only have fleeting encounters with them, which makes meaningful connections difficult.
A classic example of people feeling lonely in a crowd is older people living in residential care. Just because all the residents are old and unable to live alone in their community anymore doesn’t mean they share common ground.
Here’s another example. Lydia is an 18-year-old tennis player who finds the world of tennis lonely. Her training partners are also competitors, so she finds it difficult to get close and make real friends with them. She decides to enroll in an art course at her college so she can find other young people to interact and socialize with. Unfortunately, she feels even more lonely there because the other students aren’t anything like her. Lydia pays a lot of attention to eating healthily and keeping fit and active, but the other students go out partying and can’t understand Lydia’s lifestyle. So even though Lydia has surrounded herself with other people, she still feels lonely; in fact, she feels lonelier than she had previously.
Sometimes you might feel lonelier if you’re surrounded by people you don’t connect with because it reminds you that you’re alone. If you feel lonely in a crowd, go to Chapter 14, which offers some tips on how to create meaningful relationships.
Suffering alone or enjoying solitude
As I mentioned earlier, loneliness is a negative feeling about being alone, one of feeling lonely. But that doesn’t mean that everyone who’s alone feels lonely. Maybe you enjoy spending time alone. When you do, it’s normally referred to as solitude. Solitude is commonly referred to as a neutral or positive experience of being intentionally and physically alone. You can also experience solitude when other people are around, perhaps because you’re in a world of your own enjoying your own thoughts and mental space and not interacting.
Brandon has lived alone ever since moving out of his parents’ home to study at college. He’s 46 and has only ever had one romantic partner. He has a few work colleagues and friends, but he doesn’t really spend much time with them. Because Brandon spends a lot of time alone, his work colleagues and others who know of him perceive him to be lonely. But Brandon is far from lonely. He enjoys his own company and his own thoughts.
Although loneliness can be damaging for your health and well-being, solitude is generally believed to be a positive experience. However, the way in which people perceive solitude varies in different cultures. In the western world, people who enjoy solitude are sometimes classified as “loners,” which can have a negative connotation and a stigma attached to it.
It’s fine and natural to enjoy alone time. Don’t feel pressured to interact with others. You’re not lonely unless your time alone gives you an unpleasant feeling. If it does, you’re not alone in feeling like this, and you can take some steps to curb your loneliness.
Why Do You Feel Lonely?
Researchers from all different academic disciplines study loneliness, from psychologists and sociologists to social workers, geographers, and health scientists. As a result, there are various explanations for why you feel lonely.
An evolutionary perspective
Many explanations for why humans feel lonely come from psychologists and neuroscientists. They often view loneliness from an evolutionary perspective, viewing it as a neurological reaction. So, like hunger is a signal that you need to eat, loneliness is a signal that you need to improve your social situation and seek out people to connect with. This view suggests that some people are more likely to experience loneliness than others, with a combination of genes and the environment playing a role in this.
Given that psychologists see loneliness as a signal for you to reach out to connect with other people, you need to understand what circumstances can cause this feeling and trigger the signal in the first place. If you’re more aware of this, you can recognize the feeling, acknowledge why it’s there and reach out to others.
Absence of meaningful relationships
Sociologists explain that the feelings of loneliness come about because you have insufficient meaningful social relationships. This might mean that you have less meaningful relationships than you’d like. For others it might mean that you have less meaningful relationships than you think other people have. Or perhaps the quality of your relationships is inadequate. This can mean that your relationships are superficial and don’t provide the depth that you want or need.
I discuss more about the importance of meaningful relationships and how you can maintain and expand yours in Chapter 14. But for now, it’s useful to know that you can have meaningful relationships with a whole range of different people — friends, romantic partners, relatives, work colleagues, health practitioners, therapists, and hair and beauty personnel. It’s also helpful to think about what a meaningful relationship means for you. A meaningful relationship has one or more of these factors present:
You feel valued by the person.
You share a common goal or interest.
You have a positive relationship.
The relationship has depth and isn’t superficial.
The relationship is sustainable in the long term.
You can also have a meaningful relationship with yourself when you accept yourself (see Chapter 13). And you can have a meaningful relationship with places and spaces when you feel a sense of belonging (see Chapter 15).
Lack of belonging
Alongside a lack of meaningful relationships to other people, sociologists have identified an absence of belonging as a reason for feeling lonely. This could be belonging to a place or belonging to an experience.
The places and experiences that create a sense of belonging vary according to each individual but can be places such as sporting venues, workplaces, educational establishments, or open spaces such as lakes, beaches, and local parks. They can also be experiences such as dancing, singing, skiing, and climbing.
Humans have a universal need to feel like they belong. However, everyone has different levels of need in relation to belonging, so some people need to feel a greater sense of belonging than others. If your need for belonging is unmet, you can feel lonely.
If you have a meaningful relationship with a certain place, a sense of belonging to that place, it can act as a kind of buffer against loneliness even if you don’t have a meaningful relationship with other people. So if you’re feeling lonely, try visiting that special place to give yourself a belonging boost.
Poor self-perception
You might also experience a loneliness signal, or trigger, based on your perception of yourself. If you don’t feel very good about yourself, or you think that other people don’t like you, you might feel lonely. You can start to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Maybe this came about because you experienced a trauma, such as being bullied at school, or you were the victim of a crime and were abused. Or perhaps you have a mental or physical health condition that has created a distorted and negative self-perception. You might be struggling to accept your gender or sexuality. If left unchecked, negative self-perceptions can deteriorate over time and lead you to disconnect from yourself, other people, and your physical surroundings.
If you find yourself being overly self-critical or often struggle to understand why other people would like to know you, the first step to work on is your relationship with yourself. By improving this, you can feel a greater desire to engage with other people and places where you have a sense of belonging. Both will help you feel less lonely. Chapter 13 offers some key tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself.
Symptom of society
The common factor that shapes your relationships with other people, your sense of belonging to places and spaces, and your relationship with yourself is the role of society. Wider societal factors influence everything you see, feel, and do. These factors vary by culture, and everyone interprets them differently. Multiple societal influences play a role in your relationships and therefore affect how lonely you feel.
These include the safety of your neighborhood, the diversity of your community, and the availability of facilities and resources where you live. They can include the design of your neighborhood, home, workplace, or school. They might also include the influence of social media or other forms of technology or the dominant culture in your workplace or educational establishment.
You can’t always make immediate or major alterations to the way these wider societal factors affect you. However, understanding their role in your behavior and feelings of loneliness can help you identify the things in your life that are within your control and that you can change.
The Prevalence of Loneliness
Loneliness has existed for time immemorial. People have always felt lonely. As I explained earlier, loneliness is a basic human response to having a lack of desired social connections, which psychologists view as a signal to change your behavior or take action. Just like being thirsty is a signal to get a drink. When you’re lonely, it’s a signal to improve your social situation and to seek out people to connect with.
When you think about loneliness in this way, you can see that it’s a normal part of being human. And you can see why loneliness is so widespread and commonplace. In some countries, around half the population say they experience loneliness. So, if you’re lonely, remember that you’re definitely not the only person feeling that way. Many others, worldwide, are experiencing similar feelings.
Although loneliness is prevalent in many countries, there isn’t really evidence at the moment of a long-term trend toward increased loneliness. Evidence on this provides mixed results. As I explain in Chapter 2, adolescents and seniors are most likely to experience loneliness, but we’re not sure yet if today’s young adults and older people are more likely to feel lonely than their counterparts did in the past.
A number of events have occurred recently that have given loneliness more prominence and publicity. Loneliness has started to enter public discussion much more. It’s been triggered by awareness-raising campaigns such as the Campaign to End Loneliness in the UK, the Coalition to End Social Isolation & Loneliness in the US, and Ending Loneliness Together in Australia. These campaigns have helped get loneliness into the public consciousness.
There’s also been a lot of publicity about the health threats of loneliness (see Chapters 9 and 10), which has contributed to the impetus behind these campaigns and led various governments to take action. This action has taken the form of government-led strategies designed to understand and combat loneliness. The UK Government’s national loneliness strategy and the US Surgeon General’s advisory called The Healing Effects of Social Connection are two of note.
The Covid-19 pandemic also raised awareness of loneliness. The pandemic itself was responsible for forcing people to isolate themselves to prevent the virus from spreading. This triggered more loneliness among certain people, at least in the short term. Covid-19 suddenly cut people off from their social lives and from their friends and family. Although most people are now back to socializing as they were prior to the pandemic, certain general societal changes have become more pronounced following the pandemic. Some of these changes have exacerbated loneliness. For example, more people are working at home, or remotely, than previously, thus reducing their opportunities for face-to-face contact.
There may well be a long-term trend toward an increase in loneliness, but at the moment it’s too early to tell.
International trends
Loneliness is being experienced by large chunks of the population, in many countries across the globe. Reports suggest that loneliness affects about a third of the world’s population. But evidence of the prevalence of loneliness worldwide is patchy and inconsistent because the data on loneliness are collected in different ways, and with different degrees of robustness, around the world. In particular, high-income countries generally have good data availability, whilst low- and middle-income countries often have scant data availability.
Around half of US, UK, and Australian adults report experiencing loneliness. Data from Canada suggest that loneliness may be slightly less prevalent there. Other countries where loneliness is reported to be high include Brazil, Turkey, India, and Saudi Arabia. In some other countries, loneliness is said to be less prevalent. These countries include the Netherlands, Japan, Germany, and Russia. But because of the difficulties with the data, it’s important to view these reports with an open mind.
The important thing to note is that wherever you live in the world, loneliness is a normal human response. If you feel lonely, just realize that you need to make a change of some kind. I give you numerous suggestions in this book to help you with that.
Cross-country variations
In addition to the inconsistencies in data collection that can make it hard to compare levels of loneliness across countries, general cultural factors can influence levels of loneliness across nations. Some of these include:
Socioeconomic status:
Low socioeconomic status as measured by education and income or large inequalities in socioeconomic status generally mean higher rates of loneliness.
Welfare state:
More generous welfare states are linked with lower levels of loneliness, especially in older adults.
Health:
Vast inequalities in health and poor health can be associated with higher levels of loneliness.
Cultural adverse health behaviors:
Behaviors such as alcohol use can lead to a great propensity for loneliness.
Family and community ties:
The expectation of strong family and community ties in some cultures can have a dual effect. People can feel less lonely because they have a large family and community around them. But others can feel lonelier because they don’t necessarily get along with those around them. Sometimes high expectations of strong ties can increase feelings of loneliness if these expectations aren’t met.
Climate:
A mild Mediterranean-style climate is likely to facilitate greater social interaction because people can spend more time outdoors.
Stigmatization of loneliness:
In cultures where loneliness is highly stigmatized, people are less likely to talk about feeling lonely or report feeling lonely. In these countries, reported loneliness figures are likely to be substantially lower than they really are.
Thinking about Ways to Overcome Loneliness
Although loneliness can seem quite complex, if you start to identify why you feel lonely, the issues involved will start to unravel. One of the first steps is being aware that you’re lonely and accepting it. Once you do that, you’re on route to finding a way forward.
Snubbing the stigma
Sometimes there’s a stigma attached to loneliness. Those who feel lonely might be perceived as loners, odd, strange, sad, socially inept, and a whole range of other negative terms. This stigma, like all stigmas, is created and perpetuated by a societal lack of understanding. The stigma around loneliness often deters people from accepting that they’re lonely, admitting they’re lonely to other people, and seeking out support for their loneliness. This can make them feel even more lonely and isolated and feel as though there’s something wrong with them.
Some societies and population groups stigmatize loneliness more than others. For example, more stigma is often attached to being a young, lonely adult than a senior, lonely adult. That’s because young people are expected to have an active social life; if they don’t, people perceive that something is wrong with them.
Whoever you are, whatever your age or circumstance, wherever you live, it’s important to remember that feeling lonely is a natural part of being human, and everyone at some point in their lives will feel lonely.
Awareness and acceptance
Loneliness is a natural human emotion that you encounter when you don’t have sufficient meaningful relationships. Most people will feel lonely at some point, yet it’s not often spoken about. People don’t like to admit their loneliness to themselves or to others, but the first step to overcoming loneliness is awareness and acceptance. Once you accept that you feel lonely, you can start finding solutions.
Numerous campaigns and strategies in different countries are designed to raise awareness of loneliness and encourage people to start talking about their experiences. The UK Government national loneliness strategy, for example, emphasizes the importance of building a national conversation about loneliness so that people feel okay talking about loneliness and reaching out for help. Similarly, the US Surgeon General’s advisory called The Healing Effects of Social Connection emphasizes the importance of public awareness and education as the drivers and solutions to loneliness. The various national loneliness campaigns in the UK, US, and Australia emphasize having public conversations about loneliness. Every June in the UK is a national loneliness awareness week dedicated to raising awareness of loneliness. It’s all about creating supportive communities by encouraging conversations among family, friends, and colleagues about loneliness.
Keep a look out for any national or local campaigns to raise awareness about loneliness where you live and get involved.
Knowing where to begin
Once you acknowledge that you’re lonely, think a bit more about your feelings of loneliness, why they’ve arisen, and what might help to alleviate your feelings so that you can start to gain control and take positive action. This book is full of useful tips and strategies to help you. But first you need to create a simple mind map of your experiences of loneliness.
Try this activity to help you identify which areas of your life you might want to start working on to reduce your feelings of loneliness. You can then focus on those areas as you read through the rest of the book.
Get a blank piece of paper and create a mind map of your experience of loneliness.
Draw three interlinked circles, as shown in
Figure 1-1
. In circle one, write the names of those who you have your main meaningful relationships with. In circle two, write some key words that describe how you view your relationship with yourself. In circle three, write any places and spaces you have a relationship with — where you feel a sense of belonging. Then put a score in each circle from 1 to 5. One means that you feel your meaningful relationships are poor, and 5 means that your meaningful relationships are very good.
Think about any transitory life events you’re currently experiencing or that you’ve experienced in the past that have triggered you to feel lonely, and circle those that are appropriate to you. Some examples are shown in
Figure 1-1
, but they’re explained more in
Chapter 2
. If you’ve experienced additional life changes that are relevant, add those here.
Think about any potential barriers that prevent you from having meaningful relationships with yourself, with other people, and with places and spaces. Insert those in the mind map in the relevant box. To make it easier for you, I’ve grouped these into personal characteristics, personal circumstances, health, and geographical factors.
FIGURE 1-1: Mind map of your experience of loneliness.
Once you’ve completed your mind map, leave it for 30 minutes or so. Get a drink or go for a short walk before looking at the completed mind map again.
When you return to looking at your mind map, use a red pen to underline the main area of your life that’s currently causing you to feel lonely or acting as a barrier to you feeling less lonely. Don’t worry if several areas are making you feel lonely. If this is the case, use the red pen to number the areas in order of priority to work on. So put a 1 for the area that you want to work on first, followed by 2, 3, 4, and more.
Pay particular attention to the chapters in this book that coincide with your results in Step 6. They’ll give you more information and tips on how to beat loneliness in these parts of your life.
Choose a different colored pen (green is ideal) to identify the areas of your life that are positive or where you feel you have good, meaningful relationships. Once you’ve identified those, spend more time on these areas. You can use the tips provided in the relevant chapters.
Figure 1-2 shows how George completed the mind map exercise. He identified his age, health conditions, and retirement as the main influences on his experiences of loneliness. These factors are affecting his meaningful relationships with other people. George should then turn to Chapters 9 and 12 in this book to look for tips on working through these factors.
FIGURE 1-2: George’s experience of loneliness.
Furthermore, George identified that his health conditions are affecting his relationship with himself, so he would benefit from reading Chapter 13. On a positive note, George feels that he has a strong and meaningful sense of belonging to the football club he supports, Sheffield Wednesday, and to a library in his local park. That’s why he’s encouraged to think about spending more time in these places and is directed to read Chapter 15 for some useful tips.
Chapter 2
Who’s at Risk of Loneliness and How It’s Measured
IN THIS CHAPTER
Identifying groups of people vulnerable to loneliness
Looking at the circumstances that can lead to loneliness
Understanding the trigger points that can make people feel lonely
Assessing the scale and frequency of loneliness
Loneliness can strike at any time, but some population groups are more prone to feeling lonely than others. It’s helpful to understand if you’re more at risk of experiencing loneliness so that you can take action to avoid it or deal with it.
Groups that are typically more vulnerable to experiencing loneliness are those with certain demographic characteristics based on age, gender, disability, ethnicity, and sexual orientation. Your personal circumstances also play a role in the likelihood of your falling foul of loneliness. These can include factors such as marital status, being a caregiver, having access to a car, social class or wealth, and the presence of health conditions.
In addition to these, certain triggers can increase your likelihood of feeling lonely. These occur when major changes are taking place, such as moving away from home, having a baby, going away to college, retiring, or facing unemployment or layoffs. Sometimes a major global event occurs, such as a war or a pandemic. These events can trigger loneliness for millions of people at once.
Maybe you’re reading this and realize that you’re more prone to feeling lonely. Perhaps you appear to be facing multiple risks of loneliness. The first step to combatting loneliness is to realize that you’re at risk. Then you can start working on strategies to avoid feeling lonely and to combat loneliness if it rears its ugly head.
Remember that you’re not alone. At some time in your life, you’re likely to face a heightened risk of loneliness. You might even face multiple risks at specific points in your life.
In this chapter I help you identify whether you’re more at risk of loneliness than average. I explain the demographic groups more likely to be lonely and the kinds of personal circumstances that can lead to loneliness. I then go through the different life trigger points that can promote loneliness. At the end of the chapter, I offer some ways you can assess whether you’re lonely and, if so, to what degree. Once you’ve measured just how lonely you are, you can use the useful tips throughout this book to kick those feelings of loneliness to the curb.
Demographic Characteristics That Can Lead to Loneliness
Demographic characteristics are the features or attributes that define you. They include factors such as your age, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, and disability. Your demographic characteristics influence your everyday life experiences, including loneliness. Although everyone is suspectable to feeling lonely, people with certain demographic characteristics are more likely to experience it.
Societal factors such as cultural norms and values, economies, and inequalities shape your experiences of loneliness. The way in which these factors interact with your demographic characteristics affect if you feel lonely and, if so, to what degree. This is why different societies and cultures have different experiences of loneliness.
Age as a factor
Age is arguably the demographic characteristic that has the most significant influence on loneliness. People are most likely to feel lonely within two age groups: young adults aged 16–24, and those 65 and older.
The age factor of loneliness is a U-shaped curve on a graph, with loneliness rising at ages 16–24, decreasing in middle age, and then increasing again as people get older. Young adults or older persons are more likely to feel lonely for a variety of reasons.
Loneliness in young adulthood
Loneliness is actually one of the main fears that young people have in today’s society. If you’re young, it’s often assumed that you’ll have lots of friends and an active social life. There’s a general expectation that it’s easy for you to make friends, and you’ll be out partying whenever you get the chance. But that isn’t necessarily true.
In fact, many young people find it difficult to connect with others in a meaningful way. They have a hard time forming friendships. (I explain more about meaningful relationships in Chapters 5 and 14).
As a young person, you don’t always realize that other young people are experiencing the same loneliness that you are. You might believe that other young people have more friends than you and are happier than you, which can make you feel even lonelier. This is sometimes made worse by the images you see on TV, on ads and posters, in magazines, and on the internet where young people appear happy and surrounded by lots of friends.
Social media can exacerbate this. When you look through your social media feeds, you might see your peers posting photos of what appears to be an active social life. But it’s important to remember that these are just images; the reality behind the images can be distorted. People post on social media what they want you to see and believe about their lives. What you think you see isn’t always the reality.
Young adulthood is also a time when various life transitions can take place and trigger loneliness. These transitions can include going to a new school, college or university, starting your first job, leaving home, getting married, and becoming a parent. If you’re encountering any of these changes, you may also be more susceptible to feeling lonely.
If you’re a young adult and are feeling lonely, remember that loneliness is common among people of your age. It’s particularly important not to believe all you see or to compare yourself to others. This book has tips to help you feel less lonely, but a good place to start is by reducing your social media usage (see Chapter 7).
There are some useful helplines and links to valuable resources for young people who feel lonely in the Appendix.
Loneliness in older adults
Older people are also especially vulnerable to loneliness and can feel cut off from society. The older you are, the more likely this is to be the case. Many older people can go for weeks at a time without speaking to a friend, neighbor, or family member. Sometimes older people say that they only have their TV for company. If you’re an older person, you might feel lonely for a whole range of reasons.
You might be living alone following the death of a spouse or partner. Maybe you’re getting frailer or have health conditions that affect what you can do. You might be homebound, unable to get outside like you used to. Perhaps you’ve retired from work and miss social contact with your ex-work colleagues or feel you don’t have a sense of purpose. Or you might miss no longer being the hub of your family because your children have grown up and created their own lives elsewhere.
Loneliness in later life has been commonplace for many years. The key is to find other like-minded people with whom you can make meaningful connections and to spend time doing meaningful activities that you enjoy (see Chapter 14 for some helpful advice). It’s also a good idea to visit places where you feel a sense of belonging (see Chapter 15). If you can’t physically get there, you might be able to use technology to help you (see Chapter 7).
The role of gender
Regardless of their age, women are more likely than men to feel lonely. Women are more likely to experience both transient (temporary) and chronic (longer term) loneliness (see Chapter 1 for more details about the different types of loneliness). This due to a number of factors, such as having higher risks for widowhood, living alone, chronic illness, and disabilities.
These gender differences also vary according to your marital status. Indeed, single men tend to be lonelier than single women, and married women tend to be lonelier than married men. This suggests that marriage can act as a kind of buffer to men feeling lonely, whereas it’s more of a trigger to loneliness for women. If marriage is making you feel lonely, you can find more information and some helpful advice in Chapter 4.
Loneliness is also more likely for transgender and nonbinary individuals, whose gender identity doesn’t align with their sex at birth. If this sounds like you, a combination of factors is likely making you feel lonelier. You might be having difficulties accepting yourself (see Chapter 13). Or you might be having challenges expressing who you are to others or being accepted by others for who you are. All this can make it difficult to create and retain meaningful social connections (see Chapters 5 and 14).
CONQUER LONELINESS BY FINDING OTHER LONELY PEOPLE
David was an older man I came across in Leeds, a city in the North of England. His wife had recently died, and he was living alone for the first time and feeling lonely. He retired just before his wife passed; they were planning to travel together but didn’t get the chance. Since his wife’s death, David struggled with his purpose in life. He had a hard time getting through each day. David knew he was lonely but didn’t want to admit it, even to himself. He saw a leaflet about a project in Leeds called the Time to Shine, which was designed to help older people in the city become less lonely and isolated. Because David didn’t acknowledge that he was lonely, at first he didn’t get involved in the project.
But when David saw that the Time to Shine project also had opportunities for volunteers, he decided to get involved. He thought that, as a volunteer, he could help other lonely people. The volunteering helped David regain a sense of purpose. It also helped him feel less lonely. By being involved in the project, he started to admit to himself that he was lonely, which gave him the impetus to seek out further support.
