Make Friends with Your Impostor! E-Book

Daphne Dickopf

• Herausgeber: WS
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 181

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

Welcome to the journey of conquering impostor feelings and reclaiming your confidence. In this insightful and practical book, Daphne Dickopf shares powerful stories and effective tools designed to guide you toward becoming a stronger, more self-assured you. Drawing from years of experience as an executive coach, leadership trainer, and management consultant, the author has gathered a toolbox of strategies that have proven successful for her clients and herself.

Individuals who grapple with Impostor Phenomenon – or Imposter Syndrome as it is more commonly called – involves chronic self-doubt and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud, despite evident achievements. Common traits may include the need to be the best, perfectionism, fear of failure, denial of competence, and guilt about success.  

In this book the author offers a comprehensive framework – the Impostor Strategy FrameworkTM – to intercept, manage, and transform impostor feelings into a source of strength. The practical tools introduced in this book help you recognize and address the triggers and patterns that fuel imposter feelings. By understanding these mechanisms, you can design your personalized strategy to embrace your impostor feelings and unlock your true potential.

This book is not about eliminating self-doubt entirely but about turning those feelings into catalysts for personal and professional growth. With a structured approach, the author will guide you through tools that will enable you to provide first aid, cultivate resilience, shape your vision, and establish a supportive network – all crucial elements to forming an effective overall strategy to transform your imposter feelings and reclaim your confidence. Embark on this transformative journey and discover how to harness impostor feelings as your greatest asset, becoming the most confident version of yourself.

Leseprobe

Make Friends with Your Impostor!

A Guide to Unlocking Your Hidden Superpower

Published byHybrid Global Publishing333 E 14th Street#3CNew York, NY 10003

Copyright © 2024 by Daphne Dickopf

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the Publisher, except where permitted by law.

Manufactured in the United States of America, or in the United Kingdom when distributed elsewhere.

Dickopf, Daphnewww.daphnedickopf.comMake Friends With Your Impostor! A Guide to Unlocking Your Hidden Superpower

ISBN: 978-1-961757-70-7eBook: 978-1-961757-69-1

Cover design by: Julia KurisCopyediting by: Sue TothInterior design by: Suba MuruganIllustrations: Daphne Dickopf

To the 70% of us who have or will experience impostor feelings at one point in our lives.

To my husband who always supports me, encourages me, and believes that I can achieve anything that I want.

To my children who are my greatest teachers.

Acknowledgments

I am deeply grateful to my husband for encouraging me to write this book. To my family, thank you for your unwavering patience and understanding during the many hours I dedicated to this project. Your support has been invaluable, and I couldn’t have completed this journey without your encouragement and love.

A heartfelt thank you to my friends and colleagues Corinne, Craig, Ildiko, Kerrie, and Vanessa. Your insightful feedback, steadfast support, and constructive criticism have been instrumental in shaping this book. Your contributions have made it more realistic, comprehensive, and impactful. I am truly fortunate to have you all by my side.

Also, thank you to all my friends who have held countless discussions with me about my book and the tools, even though most of you have never felt like an impostor. Your insights and discussions were incredibly helpful.

Thank you all for believing in me and for helping to bring this book to life.

Contents

A Note to the Reader

PART ONE – Introduction

From Impostor to Empowerment

Impostor Phenomenon

Impostor Coping Mechanism

You Are Not Alone

The Hidden Costs

The Impostor’s Dilemma

Your Success and Your Achievements

Embracing the Impostor Within

Let’s Recap

PART TWO – How to Use This Book

Impostor Strategy Framework™

Explore, Pick, and Choose

PART THREE – Tools to Break the Impostor Cycle

Impostor Cycle: The Hijacking

Identify Triggers

Train Your Awareness

Intercept the Impostor Hijack

Let’s Recap

PART FOUR – Tools to Embrace Your Impostor

Quadrant 1: Provide First Aid

First Aid Tool #1: Self-Compassion

First Aid Tool #2: Feelings Matter

First Aid Tool #3: Positive Affirmations

First Aid Tool #4: Perfectly Imperfect

First Aid Tool #5: Compliments

First Aid Tool #6: Mindfulness

First Aid Tool #7: Have Some Humor

First Aid Tool #8: Embodiment

First Aid Tool #9: Get Physical

First Aid Tool #10: Fact Checking

First Aid: Let’s Recap

Quadrant 2: Cultivate Your Resilience

Resilience Tool #1: Failures

Resilience Tool #2: Small Wins

Resilience Tool #3: Social Media Diet

Resilience Tool #4: Mountain of Challenge

Resilience Tool #5: Stretch Yourself

Resilience Tool #6: Inner Team

Resilience Tool #7: Gratitude

Resilience Tool #8: Comfortable Getting Uncomfortable

Resilience Tool #9: Daily Reflections

Resilience Tool #10: The Gift

Resilience: Let’s Recap

Quadrant 3: Shape Your Vision

Vision Tool #1: Purpose

Vision Tool #2: Visualization

Vision Tool #3: Vision Board

Vision Tool #4: Goal Setting

Vision Tool #5: Expectations

Vision Tool #6: Lifelong Learning

Vision Tool #7: Portfolio

Vision Tool #8: Impromptu Actor

Vision Tool #9: Opportunities

Vision Tool #10: Professional Development

Vision: Let’s Recap

Quadrant 4: Establish a Support System

Support System Tool #1: Role Model

Support System Tool #2: Feedback and Advice

Support System Tool #3: Fan Club

Support System Tool #4: Accountability Buddy

Support System Tool #5: Superpower Talisman

Support System Tool #6: Delegation

Support System Tool #7: Networking

Support System Tool #8: Broadcast

Support System Tool #9: Boundaries

Support System Tool #10: Professional Support

Support System: Let’s Recap

PART FIVE – Design Your Own Strategy

Assessment of All Tools

Selection of Tools

My Commitment

PART SIX – What’s Next?

APPENDIX – Methods and Tools

The Impostor Phenomenon Scale

The Impostor Strategy Framework™

The Impostor Strategy Matrix™

Impact & Effort of Tools

My Impostor Strategy MatrixTM

Further Reading

A Note to the Reader

Welcome to this journey of conquering impostor feelings, making friends with them, unlocking your superpower, and reclaiming your confidence. I’m thrilled to share the stories and tools in this book with you, and I genuinely hope they will guide you towards a stronger, more self-assured you. Over the years, I’ve worked with countless individuals grappling with impostor feelings, and I’ve gathered a variety of tools that have proven effective for my clients – and for myself too.

In Part One, we explore the facts and figures behind the impostor phenomenon, laying the foundation for understanding what you’re up against. In Part Two we look at how to use this book and examine the underlying premise – the groundwork needed to be able to work on changing the trajectory of impostor feelings. Part Three introduces a comprehensive framework – the Impostor Strategy Matrix™ – of the foundational elements needed to break the imposter cycle and of four key elements, designed to be your roadmap for transforming these feelings into newfound strength. In Part Four, you discover and apply forty practical tools aimed at managing, modifying, and transforming impostor feelings into a more productive path, boosting your self-confidence and self-worth. In Part Five, you will craft a personalized strategy tailored to your unique needs, helping you master your impostor feelings for good. Finally in Part Six you explore the next steps for the road ahead.

By following this structured approach, you’ll unlock the potential to overcome self-doubts and achieve personal and professional fulfillment. Together, we’ll delve into intercepting triggers, providing first aid, establishing a sustainable support system, cultivating resilience, and shaping your vision for the future.

My wish is that the tools in this book will offer you a variety of ideas on how to regain control over your doubts and design a strategy to embrace your impostor feelings. I hope you’ll come to see these feelings not as weaknesses, but as catalysts for unlocking your true strengths, your superpowers. Let’s embark on this transformative journey together, turning impostor feelings into your greatest asset, and becoming the most confident person you can be.

My hope is, that one day in the not-too-distant future, talking about impostor feelings at home, school, the workplace, and at dinner parties will become the norm and sharing tools and methods how to support each other best to using these feelings to unlock the superpowers within us will be the new normal.

PART ONE

Introduction

From Impostor to Empowerment

Today, I have a job that truly makes me happy and fulfilled. I set ambitious goals to push myself just outside my comfort zone, collaborate with many talented leadership development professionals, and work with amazing leaders who have excelled in their respective fields. As an executive coach, leadership trainer, and management consultant specializing in individual, team, and organizational development, I engage with leading international companies, business schools, universities, and individual clients on a global scale.

What most people don’t know about me is that I have felt like an impostor for as long as I can remember. I can’t really pinpoint it to one specific cause. When I was young growing up in Switzerland, I had allergies from spring to fall each year resulting in asthma and thus had difficulties breathing. As a consequence, whenever I ran, I was immediately out of breath and had to use an inhaler to be able to breathe normally again. This meant I wasn’t particularly good at sports and often got picked last when the kids had to choose their own teammates. When I would tell my mom about these moments, she would tell me that it wasn’t important and sports didn’t really matter—it was her way of trying to support me. This really didn’t make me feel better—just more like someone who didn’t belong, someone who wasn’t good enough and couldn’t compete with others on their level. I saw this repeated when I got a grade that was not as high as I would have liked it. My mom would brush it off and say, “Don’t worry, it’s not important!” But it was important to me! I felt not good enough, like I was destined to fail again next time.

In Switzerland, after sixth grade kids can go into one of four different streams of secondary school. My teacher at the time made the recommendation for me to go to the second highest of those four levels. I remember feeling that I didn’t belong there, that I was not smart enough and that it must have been luck or a mistake that I was sent there. This feeling that I was lucky when I got a good grade or when I passed exams continued throughout all my school and during my university studies.

After getting my bachelor’s degree in the United Kingdom, my first job was as a management consultant at a renowned international management consultancy in Germany. In the 90s, university studies in most of continental Europe took much longer than today where most countries have aligned to the bachelor and master programs. As a result, when I started as a twenty-three-year old management consultant, I was more than five years younger than most of my peers at the consulting company. This prompted Thomas, my manager at the time, to approach me and tell me that I was not allowed to tell anyone on our client’s team how young I was. Once again, I felt like I didn’t belong, that my university degree was not enough. I tried to dress more conservatively to make myself look older, and I carefully selected my words to sound smarter.

During my ten years as a management consultant for three different firms, that feeling of not belonging and feeling like a fraud remained a constant. I believed I didn’t belong because I wasn’t as educated, as articulate, as analytical, as bold, or as aggressive as my peers. While I generally got really good performance reviews, I found elements in it that reinforced this feeling, pushing me to try harder, achieve more, and emulate my colleagues. It took years to realize that I had focused on the wrong aspects of my personality. Instead of honing my strengths – building relationships, motivating clients, and empathizing with their difficulties – I fixated on my weaknesses. I feared being exposed for my lack of proficiency, for example in Excel, overlooking the importance of my interpersonal skills, which I deemed merely “nice to have” in this job. I overestimated my weaknesses and underestimated my strengths, partly because I lacked the right role models in my environment.

Improving the areas highlighted in my performance reviews – such as data analysis, Excel proficiency, and consulting model development – felt incredibly challenging, as I had no passion for them. My true passion lay in building relationships with clients, helping them embrace and lead organizational change. According to both my clients and managers, I excelled in these areas, but my subjective view undervalued their significance.

Had I known at that time, that my feelings of inferiority were actually impostor feelings and that I could just confront them and implement strategies to manage them and grow confident, wow, that would have saved me a lot of time, tears, and worries! Instead, it was more gradual for me. I tried extra hard, tried to be bolder, tougher, and sometimes even more aggressive than my male colleagues, trying to always go the extra mile. This resulted in lots of late nights, weekends, sometimes having to cancel on my friends, and along the way somewhere forgetting what was really important to me.

As the situation became increasingly unbearable, I sought out development books and started my first coaching training which allowed me to focus on my own personal development. Through this journey, I discovered my first tools – some of which I will share in this book – fostering a vision for myself, building resilience, and managing my impostor feelings. This led me to rethink my priorities and make significant changes in my life. As one of the consequences, I left consulting and joined a business school in a leadership position to develop their executive education programs. There, I realized that with the right framework in place, I felt empowered, smart enough, articulate enough, tough enough, and capable. I began to recognize and coach others – employees, colleagues, and friends – who were grappling with impostor feelings. I noticed a pattern: people seemed to follow a process to transform their impostor feelings into their superpower.

In the years that followed, my fascination with the impostor phenomenon only deepened. I delved into understanding its triggers and identifying tools to intercept, manage, modify, and transform feelings of doubt into confidence. While I developed my own strategy to handle these feelings effectively, my work as an executive coach and leadership development specialist allowed me to guide countless clients through their struggles. Through hundreds of coaching sessions, I helped them devise personalized strategies to embrace their impostor feelings and achieve the success they desired.

Witnessing the transformation in my clients as they learned to navigate their own impostor challenges has been profoundly rewarding. Each individual’s journey reinforced my belief that these tools and strategies could benefit a much broader audience. It became clear to me that the framework I developed could help many more people beyond my one-on-one coaching sessions. This realization inspired me to write this book.

By sharing these insights and tools, I hope to empower you to turn your impostor feelings from a source of self-doubt into a powerful force for growth and achievement. Together, we’ll explore how to build lasting confidence, leverage your unique strengths, and create a fulfilling and successful professional life. Let’s embark on this transformative journey, turning self-doubt into a superpower that propels you toward your dreams.

Have I completely overcome my impostor feelings? No, I don’t believe it’s possible to overcome them entirely. Every time a new challenge arises, my impostor feelings flare up, but now I have tools in place to manage them. I feel like an impostor much less often, and when I do, I no longer let those feelings dictate my actions or define my reality. I have learned to balance humility with confidence, recognize my strengths and passions, accept my flaws without self-criticism, and acknowledge my achievements without arrogance. I have embraced my impostor feelings and made friends with them.

Impostor Phenomenon

You might have come across the work of Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes, two therapists and professors from Georgia State University who coined the term “Impostor Phenomenon” in the late 1970s. They noticed that numerous women couldn’t internalize their successes, believing instead that they were not genuinely competent. Despite all their achievements, these women felt like they weren’t really cut out for their success. While they initially thought it was mostly a women’s issue, newer studies have shown that men and women are equally susceptible.

The Impostor Phenomenon is a complex pattern that affects countless individuals, causing them to doubt their accomplishments and fear that others will expose them as frauds. Rooted deeply in the interplay between self-perception and external expectations, this phenomenon is not just about feeling like a fake but involves a persistent fear of not living up to one’s own standards or those of others.

These days the impostor phenomenon is often referred to as “Impostor Syndrome.” The term makes it sound like a medical condition. Originating from a medical context, “syndrome” suggests a set of symptoms characteristic of a particular disease, thereby implying that feeling like an impostor is a psychological disorder. However, as it is not a mental condition, it shouldn’t be named as such. This is one of the reasons, that for the remainder of the book, I will not use the term impostor syndrome any longer but rather call it impostor phenomenon, impostor feelings, or the like.

Individuals experiencing impostor phenomenon often undergo what’s known as the “Impostor Cycle.” This cycle begins with doubt and worry, escalating to fear and anxiety which can lead to procrastination or excessive preparation. Upon completing a task, they might feel relief or pride, but these feelings are fleeting. Success is often dismissed as not truly earned or as a sign that the task wasn’t actually challenging.

Dr. Pauline Rose Clance outlines specific traits that characterize those grappling with the impostor phenomenon.1

Dr. Clance identified six traits that are common among those who feel like impostors:

1.Impostor Cycle: The impostor cycle is characterized by an ongoing loop of self-doubt, over-preparation, and dismissive feelings following success. Individuals caught in this cycle often work excessively hard to ensure their performance meets their high standards. However, once they achieve success, they quickly dismiss it as unearned or attribute it to external factors, leading to persistent feelings of fraudulence and the need to prove themselves repeatedly.

2.Need to be Special, to be the Very Best: This trait involves a compulsion to be the best at everything, coupled with an inability to accept anything less than perfection. Individuals with this trait feel that they must always excel and be recognized as the top performer in any endeavor. This relentless pursuit of excellence often leads to chronic stress and disappointment when they inevitably fall short of their unattainable standards.

3.Superwoman/Superman Aspects: Perfectionism in every aspect of life defines this trait. Those exhibiting Superwoman/Superman aspects strive for perfection in all their roles, whether personal or professional. This perfectionism can lead to overwhelming stress and burnout when they are unable to meet their own high expectations. They feel the pressure to handle everything flawlessly, leaving little room for error or relaxation

4.Fear of Failure: A profound fear of failure drives this trait, where any mistake or shortcoming is perceived as a disaster. Individuals with this fear often avoid taking risks or trying new things due to the anxiety that any failure will confirm their inadequacy. This fear can paralyze their growth and prevent them from seizing opportunities that could lead to personal and professional development.

5.Denial of Competence and Discounting Praise: This trait involves an inability to accept personal success as valid, often attributing achievements to luck, timing, or deception. Individuals deny their own competence and frequently downplay their accomplishments, believing they do not deserve the praise they receive. This denial perpetuates feelings of being a fraud and makes it difficult for them to internalize their successes.

6.Fear of and Guilt about Success: Concerns that success might alienate peers or increase pressure and responsibilities define this trait. Individuals fear that their achievements will set them apart from others or lead to unrealistic expectations for future performance. They may feel guilty about their success, worrying that it could create envy or resentment among colleagues, friends, or family, thereby complicating their interpersonal relationships.

By understanding these traits, individuals can begin to recognize the patterns of impostor feelings and take steps to address and mitigate their impact on their personal and professional lives. According to Clance, people who have impostor feelings tend to have at least two of the above traits. Depending on how strong of impostor feelings someone has, they will be likely to have more of the above mentioned six traits. If you would like to know how pronounced you experience the impostor phenomenon, then the self-assessment – the Impostor Phenomenon Scale – developed by Dr. Clance is a helpful tool. You will find more information about this tool in the Appendix.

Further expanding on Clance’s work and on her own research, Dr. Valerie Young categorized impostors into five types based on their specific behaviors and thoughts:2

1.The Perfectionist: Focuses on the flawless execution and outcome of tasks.

2.The Expert: Feels the need to know everything before starting a task, viewing any knowledge gap as a failure.

3.The Soloist: Believes they must accomplish tasks independently, viewing the need for help as a weakness.

4.The Natural Genius: Measures competence by how easily and quickly tasks are accomplished.

5.The Superhuman: Tries to excel in all roles they juggle, viewing any shortcoming as a personal failure.

You might say, but there is nothing wrong with being an expert and frankly, there isn’t. However, when looking at the five types of impostors, keep in mind that the need to be a perfectionist, expert, soloist, natural genius or superhuman is not born out of excelling at something or just finding this the best way forward. Instead, it stems from a necessity to cover up the fear of others exposing you as a fraud, believing you have no clue what you are doing.

Addressing these patterns involves conscious efforts to recognize and adjust your internal narratives. This might mean practicing acceptance of praise and consciously reflecting on the individual contributions you made to achieve success. It also involves setting realistic and attainable goals, allowing yourself to fully appreciate and celebrate when you meet them. By redefining what success looks and feels like on a personal level, you can begin to dismantle the harmful effects of these tendencies and build a healthier, more positive self-image.

Understanding these patterns and categories helps illuminate why individuals might struggle to acknowledge their achievements and feel constant pressure to perform. By understanding that you might identify with one or more of these types, it is easier to begin to address your impostor feelings constructively. This knowledge not only demystifies the feelings of being an impostor but also provides a roadmap for personal growth and acceptance.

Impostor Coping Mechanism

People grappling with impostor phenomena often engage in unconscious behaviors to manage the anxiety of being “found out” and to avoid exposure. These coping mechanisms can provide temporary relief but often reinforce the cycle of self-doubt and anxiety. Here are the ten most common coping or protecting mechanisms:

1.Holding Back: Avoiding social situations where their competence might be judged. This behavior limits opportunities for growth and learning, and it can prevent individuals from fully participating in their personal and professional lives.

2.Hard Work: