Memories of a Trans E-Book

Pamela B.

• Herausgeber: Youcanprint
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

A soul trapped in a wrong body. A harrowing journey through abuse, addiction and self-discovery. This work is the raw and touching story of a transgender woman who traces her life from her first experiences of gender dysphoria, through the indelible scars of violence and prostitution, to her search for an authentic identity and a love that saves her from herself. An honest and unfiltered tale that explores the complex facets of gender identity, the struggle for acceptance and the courage to live a real life beyond social conventions. Get ready for an intense and emotional reading experience that will leave a deep impression on you.

Leseprobe

Inizio

Pamela B.

MEMORIES

OF A TRANS

A TRANSGENDER LIFE STORY

Vol. 1

Title | Memories of a Trans A Transgender life story vol. 1

Author | Pamela B.

ISBN | 9791224011576

© 2025 – All rights reserved to the Author

This work is published directly by the Author through the Youcanprint self-publishing platform and the Author holds all rights to it exclusively. No part of this book can therefore be reproduced without the prior consent of the Author.

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To the Loves

Of my Life

…there’s no remedy for memory…

…Every time I close my eyes

It’s like a dark paradise…

…I’m scared that You won’t be

Waiting on the other side…

(Lana Del Rey) (1)

Preface

In the pages you hold in your hands, memory is not a quiet refuge, but a battlefield. It is a whirlwind of neon lights, songs that marked a life and scars that refuse to be forgotten. Memories of a Trans is not simply an autobiography; it is an open-hearted confession, a testimony of survival narrated with an honesty that disarms and, at times, hurts.

Pamela B. invites us to meet Luca, the child who dreamed of becoming a mother without understanding how; Luana, the identity forged in the streets to survive; Sophie, and finally Pamela, the woman who emerges from the rubble of a life lived on the edge. Each name is a skin, a stage in a desperate search for identity in a world that rarely offers compassion.

This book is a journey through love and trauma in its most extreme forms. It is the story of the first pure love with Alfred, a beacon of tenderness in the darkness, whose absence leaves an indelible echo. And it is, above all, the chronicle of an incandescent and dangerous relationship with Vincent, an almost mythical figure, a monster and a savior who adores and destroys her with equal intensity. At his side, Pamela discovers the limits of pleasure, pain and her own resistance.

The soundtrack of her life, quoted throughout these pages - from Lana Del Rey to Vasco Rossi, from INXS to Queen - is not a mere ornament; it is the heartbeat that accompanies every tear, every kiss, every wound. It is the refuge in a world of abuse, addictions and a constant struggle to find a place to belong.

This is not a book for the faint of heart. It is a raw, sometimes violent journey through the personal hell of a woman who refuses to be defeated. It is a story about the resilience of the human spirit, about finding one's truth in the midst of chaos, and about the strength it takes to simply keep going.

What you are about to read is more than a life story; it is an act of courage, a fragment of a soul that has survived to tell the tale. Get ready to meet Pamela. Prepare to remember.

Ciao,

Nowadays my name is Pamela, Pam if You are one of the very few closest friends I have. I recently became Pamela, before, I called myself Sophie while Luana is the name I chose many years ago when I became a Transgender, a Trans.

My name is Luca…on my birth certificate.

About a year ago, I was dating Bruno. He had responded to an online ad of mine on Bakecaincontri, a famous dating site for prostitutes in Italy.

As soon as I saw Him, I got scared. He was waiting for me outside His house, under the porch thrown on a chair wearing only a pair of boxers and a tank top.

I was dressed up as if I just came from a nightclub, with my skirt too short, my heels too high, holding a water bottle containing my daily dose of poison and as every moment of the day I was chewing some gum. I put another gum in my mouth because of being nervous, I lit a joint and walked towards Him as if I were on a runaway.

Bruno was in his advanced ‘70s, suffered from Parkinson disease. He could not walk straight or stand still. He immediately warned me to be quiet and to run upstairs because in the apartment downstairs His Mother in law was living. “Wow” I thought:“wow, how old is she and what am I getting into?”.

We went upstairs, Bruno was very kind, I immediately lit another joint and asked for a glass. His head was working just fine. He was very polite and He liked me very much. In no time I got the double amount of money that I asked for on the phone and He told me all His life’s story. He was a widowed man, He had kids and grandchildren. As He was rich I became very, very sweet and friendly.

We went into the bedroom, He was a pervert despite His condition and His constant shaking. He wanted to have fun.

I burst out laughing when, after a little play time in bed, He told me:”I am too old, there is no more wine in my barrels, I can’t have an orgasm any more but I am enjoying it a lot!”.

Sure He was, I gave him the boyfriend experience.

Afterwards we moved to the couch in the living room and He started to play some music on the TV, a concert of mazurka and old melodies, an orchestra at a town festival. It was Bruno, when younger, He had his own orchestra and He used to play the piano accordion. The show on TV was nice, I was enjoying these oldies songs, chilling, smoking a joint by the window ‘cause Bruno didn’t want that smell in the house when He nervously said:“It’s late, hurry, dress up fast, You need to leave, my nurse will be back soon from Her break. She can’t find You here, let me go down first and see if there is anybody around. I don’t want my Mother in law to see You. You are half naked, You look like a stripper”. I laughed saying:”I love dancing and yes Sir I have been stripping when I was younger, maybe if You are lucky, sometimes, I might dance for You!” Shaking and trembling, in His underwear, Bruno walked downstairs; I quietly followed Him, He said goodbye in a cold way, totally different from how He was earlier.

Confused, I left with 300 euro more in my purse thanks to this weird old poor guy.

The next day Bruno called me, asking me to go back to His house, He told me to be there by 14:30. I reluctantly accepted.

Bruno was living with a caregiver; this Lady had the afternoons off and She would be coming back at around 6 pm.

As our relationship grew, We began meeting almost every day and I even made Bruno play the piano accordion again. At the beginning He was hesitant, He said that, due to the Parkinson, He had to stop playing instruments many years ago. Day by day I insisted and Bruno finally started to play his piano again. He had trouble playing but He was very happy.

Bruno said that He had not been so happy since a very, very, very long time. I felt happy for Him.

Due to His illness, Bruno had problems speaking and therefore spoke little which I was very pleased with, at least I didn’t have to concentrate. He also liked to send me 500 text messages per day. Since He was shaking, incomprehensible things came out, and for this reason, He made me feel tender and since He was also very, very generous I agreed to go and see Him more than I had agreed to, respecting the rules that I had imposed on myself since a very long, long time ago. Such as the rule of not meeting the same person for two days in a row. Maybe it was ok going away for a weekend or a holiday but normally if a client was looking for me too much, I used to disappear. Rule #1 Disappear from that customer’s sight. After all, one date per week was what the House was offering. If They didn’t want to play the Game by my Rules..Bye..Bye…

Bruno had succeeded, with His way of being, in making me break my own rules.

Our afternoons turned into me staying also for dinner. Bruno introduced me to the caregiver Lady as His new girlfriend.

One of these days, while on the couch, watching one of Bruno’s concerts, the song Pamela came on. I felt immediately some kind of instant connection and I checked, right away, on my phone the meaning of the name Pamela. I made Bruno play the song over and over and over again. Bruno played the song also on His piano.

I was dancing in my underwear around the house, I felt something inside; I felt that to be the right time, I was sensing this to be one of my “special moments”.

I closed my eyes, standing still, breathing, thinking about what my life has been before that moment. I thought about myself being there at this poor old guy’s house.

I thought about how miserable my life had become since I lost Thomas, my Thomas. Tears came to my eyes.

... by my side… I wish You were by my side… rooms full of strangers… some call me friend… but I wish You were so close to me… by my side… I wish You were by my side…(2)

Bruno and the nurse didn’t notice or didn’t care.

It came as a big wave, as if it were natural, meant to be, a revelation from a Higher Power, that it was the time to change my life, my name.

My new life as Pamela had to start, my mourning had to stop. It had been already 2 years since Thomas had passed away.

... and there's no remedy for memory…Your face is like a melody… it won’t leave my head… Your Soul is hunting me and telling me that everything is fine… But I wish I were dead… every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise…(3)

I had to do something not to kill myself…

…I got dressed up fast and left without saying a word to Bruno or the nurse. They called me on the phone over and over, I never answered again. That was the last day I extorted money from Bruno, the last day I saw Him.

I removed all my ads and disappeared, rule # 1 applied.

The name Pamela and her meaning fitted me perfectly. I felt like I could be reborn as a Pamela.

This is how and when I became Pamela B.

I was born in the mid ‘70s in Naples, my Dad was from there while my Mother came from Galway, Ireland.

They met while my Mom was a student at the University “L’Orientale” in Naples, studying languages to become a foreign languages teacher. She got pregnant with me and They had to live at my Dad’s Parents in Secondigliano, Naples until my Mom finished the university; by that time my Father had found, through one of His Brothers, living in Reggio Emilia, a job in the same town, at the Lombardini factory.

In the beginning, around 50 years ago, my parents didn’t have it easy in Reggio…

When I was older my Father told me that when He arrived in Reggio Emilia no one wanted to rent Him an apartment because He was from Naples. Then He found a respectable family which took pity on Him or probably was simply curious about the fact that a factory worker from Naples could be married to an Irish teacher, and they rented Him an apartment in Cavriago and so my Mother and I joined Him in the north.

Later My Mother told me that, when She moved to Cavriago people looked at Her strangely, perhaps because of Her accent and perhaps because She wore miniskirts or long denim skirts, things that no one had ever seen before. After all, my Mother and I, ever since I can remember, spent part of every summer with my grandparents in Ireland and I can say that She really behaved and dressed following the ‘70s British fashion style.

My Parents, They were “Sessantottini”, They were part of the “Lotta Continua” party and of that sparkling, artistic, cultural environment, typical of those years.

From the stories my Parents used to tell me I remembered that, when I was a little boy, They were very good friends of Wandré, the maker of magic Guitars. When my Parents visited Him, They used to take me with them and I normally used to spend hours drawing while leaning on the hand-shaped brown leather armchair that Wandré had in His house.

Another time, when I was about 4 years old, while seeing a funeral passing by, and thinking that it was a communist procession, I ran through it with my fist raised up in the air shouting a communist chant:

“lotta dura, senza paura!” (Italian for, fight hard, without fear!)

At around that same time, when I was very, very little and I still didn’t know anything about sex or about how kids come into the world, I was sure that when I grew up, I would become a Mom.

It is crazy for me to remember, but I remember it as it was yesterday, since I was very, very little, I was convinced I would give birth and be a mother. The crazy thing is that I remember myself as a kid not knowing exactly how I would do it but still, I was sure that sometimes in the future I would.

I have to say that when I was explained how it all works, I felt very disappointed and immediately realized that there must be something wrong with me and that my life was going to be fucked up.

Since I was a baby I have always been in love with the Sea, with drawing and dancing.

I had the best parents and Grandparents a kid could wish for; They were always very kind, caring and sweet to me.

On my Irish side, my Grandparents came from the Midlands, They were people who spoke little with their mouths but They helped me from an early age in my most difficult moments; with deeds more than with words or simply by accepting me for who I was. Like, for instance, when I was 11 and my Grandfather drove more than 2 hours away, to Rossnowlagh Surf club to buy me my first surfboard and wetsuit even though my Parents were against it; and He drove me almost every day to Rusheen bay or to Silver strand so that I could learn to surf.

During the war my grandfather was in the Army, later in the Police and so my Grandparents had to move around a couple of times until my Grandfather was,finally, permanently, stationed in Galway. He retired early and even though He was a Policeman, He was more open minded than my Parents.

The only thing that went wrong with my Parents was that They saw my sexual orientation as a sickness, something the doctor would take care of. Because of it, I began seeing plenty of doctors since I was very young, too young.

As a young kid I was very lucky because I had many friends, boys and girls. I was playing football, volleyball, playing with Barbie and Big Jim with my friends, boys or girls at my house or at their homes.

When I was home alone I would dance like a crazy monkey, sometimes I would move a small piece of furniture to my door as to lock it, just in case, and I would wear my Mom clothes even if they were a hundred times bigger.

The day my Life began to get ruined

When I was around 8 years old my Uncle D. took me and my cousins for a picnic and a swim to the beach of a river near Cavriago to celebrate the end of school. We went to the Enza river.

Uncle D. was always around and I loved Him very, very much. He often used to take us out for a nice day, the movie, bowling etc.

The day was going on very well, I was having a lot of fun, diving and swimming. The beach was very nice and my Uncle D. was as always the best.

We had our picnic lunch and We were all chilling when one of my oldest cousins, cousin Ale, asked me to go explore a trail to another beach. I was just wearing my flip flop and a pair of orange shorts.

We asked uncle D permission to go and only me and this member of my family, started walking, going deep into the woods.

Before that day, I know, I was in some way different but I still was some kind of normal kid, I was petite with very pale skin and freckles. I used to have the same haircut as Nicholas from the Bradford’s Family show and I had a weird voice but overall I wasn’t that much different from anyone else.

I loved to practice sports, dancing, drawing and watching cartoons. I was such a big fan of Lady Oscar’s that I spoke about Her at my final 5th grade when the teacher asked me some questions about the French revolution. I must have been a little confused about that History shit and…Hey I Loved Lady Oscar and Candy Candy…

I was happy being a kid playing, having fun with my friends, hating school, waiting for the holidays. I wasn’t in a hurry to grow up. I didn’t know anything about sex and before that day I had never been sexually aroused.

Back to that damned day at the river… at one point, we were far away from the others, hidden by the abundance of trees and vegetation; me and my cousin, who was 14 or 15 years old; as if he were just asking me if I preferred a Fanta or a Sprite he nonchalantly asked me, if I wanted to try something he had seen in a magazine and that he thought I would really like.

My cousin, before that day, had always been very nice and kind to me so without hesitation I accepted. He pulled down my shorts and he bended me over, we were both standing, my cousin went behind me and began to kiss my ass. He was very gentle and I could understand he was enjoying it a lot. He was having pleasure, I was 8 years old.

My cousin said it was his first time doing this kind of stuff and asked me if he could do something else he saw in this magazine.

I said ok and he stuck his dick up my ass, not gentle, not fast, just slowly but firmly, not stopping, he slid it all in and kept doing it until he found his satisfaction. He lasted a few seconds. I had pain but it lasted very little. I haven’t seen His dick and I didn’t really understand what we were doing. Thinking about it now, I assume He didn’t have a big dick. From what I remember, it was super quick and a second later my ass was all covered in some kind of sticky gunky thing that I didn’t know what it was.

I didn’t know what went on. I remember I liked when He was kissing me.

Afterwards he invited me to go for a swim to clean ourselves up as if nothing had happened.

July came and as usual my Mother and I we went to my Grandparents to Ireland, then in August to the ones in Naples.

That summer during the visits to my Grandparents they helped me a lot, as if they sorted out, a bit, the chaos inside me, Healing my spirit.

My cousin moved to a nearby town, Montecchio, and so we didn’t get to see each other that much as before. I stayed far from Him because I knew that what we did was wrong and I kinda blocked for years what had happened. When I was about 13 years old and He was already grown up, I don’t remember for what reason, we met at a park in my own small town. I still don’t know why I did what I did; all I remember is me beating Him up so badly to make Him bleed from the nose and ears. That day my Uncle’s wife called my Parents, I had broken one of His ear drums.

It was very sad for me, last Spring, 40 years later, when I was standing on a sidewalks in Parma waiting for my Friend Sandra to come back from a date with one of Her customers. I was not facing the cars passing by, I was givin’ my back to the street; I was in my Little lullaby, in my own little space…

…piccolo spazio pubblicita’…piccolo spazio pubblicita’…radio superstereoradio (Italian for, small advertising space, small advertising space, radio superstereoradio) (4)

As always I was chewing my bubblegum, wearing only a short black night dress from Tezenis and high heels platform shoes, drinking gin tonic from a water bottle, dancing to Vasco with my headphones, a joint in my hand, minding my own business, when a car pulled over asking me how much I was charging for car sex, I couldn’t hear well, I removed my headphones and as I couldn’t see shit.. I turned around and.. giving a big smile, I approached the car.

It was My Uncle D. not recognizing me, thinking I was a Whore, trying to pick me up, asking me for the second time, how much I would charge, He simply said:“How much in the car?”. Being almost blind, I had to go near the car window; when I recognized Him, I just turned around, without saying a word I walked away, while he was screaming:” ‘ O Maronna Mia (Neapolitan for, oh my Goodness)”. There You go with one of my hundred worst gaffes. But that’s another piece of my sad life and I have enough stuff to write a book only about the most indecorous times I went through.

How I became Luana

A few months after the day my cousin raped me, when I was still 8 or 9 years old. I began to desire the feeling I had experienced in my bum when my cousin had kissed me and touched me that day at the river…playing with my ass…not having orgasm but some kind of fun.. when alone I started to be less scared and started to wear all the time my mom dresses and shoes.

Those days people were commonly making fun of a singer saying she was a man who had had surgery to become a woman; it was normal to make fun of sex orientation etc. Thanks to bad jokes people told, I found out at a very young age, 9 or 10, that I could really go to somewhere called Morocco, Casablanca and become a Woman, all I had to do was wait to be a grown-up.

Since I was a kid, I had a feminine voice, and when at around 12/13 years of age my friends started to develop more of a man voice, mine on the contrary got more acute.

When I was a child the music teacher used to make me line up among the girls when we had rehearsal and on occasion of the end of year recital, as it was impossible to place me among the girls, he said to me:”Do You know what playback is?” And He made me line up among the other boys, only pretending to sing.

The only person I have sung with and I wasn’t ashamed to was Alfred, but with Him I did everything, from playing at being an opera singer to pretending to be an actress in a theatre act. My loved Alfred and His bohemian spirit colored life with joy, play and carefreeness…soon, we will get to that part of my sad life…

… You and me belong together …like cold iced tea and warmer weather… spillin’ wine and homemade drinks… I know sleep is friends with death … You and Me belong together…(5)

Even today I struggle to sing. I only sing, without being shy, as always, when I am in Ireland, especially if it’s Saint Patrick’s Day, or, everywhere else I only sing if I am alone and of course I sing like a maniac to the Love of my Life, my Adopted Dog, Bijou.

I tried to pull off the playback trick once, during a music test, when I convinced a classmate of mine to play the flute for me while I would just be miming. The teacher immediately discovered us and gave me a very, very bad failure grade so, just to be a smart ass, I asked Him why it was ok to do playback singing while it wasn’t ok for me to do it with the flute. The music teacher burst out laughing, gave me the failing grade and even put a demerit note in my diary for my Parents to sign. He told all the other teachers too and they all laughed thinking how stupid I was hoping not to be caught. I became famous, the playback Queen of school.

Every time I called a friend of mine on the phone, if his parents answered the phone, calling him to come to the phone, they used to say to their son:“Come to the phone, your girlfriend is calling”. This would make me very happy and I was convinced that my tone of voice would have helped me in the future.

My parents they took me to more and more doctors and to a speech therapist doctor, It didn’t work out, I was going to speak like this, there was no cure for speaking like a girl. When I realized that I wasn’t growing any hair in my face and I wasn’t growing my Adam’s apple I was happier hoping to stay the same forever. My pediatrician doctor said I was late developing my puberty stage and that I would develop later, that I would grow my height and I would have hair like every other kid. The doctor prescribed cocarnetina and other medications. They didn’t make any difference and now I found myself at the age of almost 50 years still with the same squeaky voice and speaking like a 13 years old kid. The good part, thanks to this, In my life at least, is that I saved tons of money in surgeries, hair removal and laser waxing..

The summer of my 13th birthday, while I was staying with my grandparents, I pierced my earrings and let my hair grow longer than I already wore it. From that summer I started eating less and less, I thought that if I could look like those girls, the models in the magazines, maybe, me too, I would find a place in this world.

Since that summer a passion for wearing very long hair, piercings and anorexia have stuck to me. Over the years things have obviously gotten worse.

At around 14 years old I had my first orgasm and my sexual desires were growing more and more day by day. I wanted my own female clothes, I didn’t know how to do it. I decided to buy at least my own pair of underwear. I was very shy and at the same time very excited about it. I went with my little bicycle to another little town next to mine, Barco. I walked back and forth nervously for a while then I finally got enough courage to walk in the store. A little store in a small town. I was nervous; sure enough the lady from the store thought that something weird was going on. I asked for lace underwear: black. She asked my size, I didn’t know what size I needed. I said, It’s for a friend, it’s a present, I was all red in my face. She started laughing. I ran out of the store.

In my youth I always had to have 2 different ways to represent myself, one for my parents, for the school, for everybody…when the real me, had to be hidden not to be a problem.

My problems became evident when I went to High school; all the other kids my age they began having little hairs in their faces and they were taller than me. They were going through puberty while I remained the same as when I was a young kid. The other kids at school used to make fun of me calling me “Bambina” (Italian for young girl) and other names. I had plenty of problems at school and I was getting bullied every day. One day after the sports class, we were all in the change room getting ready to come back to class; while I was sitting on a chair, leaning down, tying my shoe, one of the other students suddenly and quickly stuck his dick into my mouth saying:”suck whore”. I got caught by surprise, and froze. Everybody was laughing and making fun of me. I peed my pants and ran to the toilet bawling my eyes out. After that day I never wanted to go back to sports class even if I was a champion in a couple of sports.

I wanted to live, I wanted to be myself, I wanted sex, I was attracted to men, I liked older men not my age. People my age were immature and stupid. I used to see couples hugging and kissing, like in the movies I used to watch TV dreaming to be the one in the arms of the Prince with the white horse.

I wanted to Break Free, I wanted to be Loved Too.

In my town there was a free ads magazine, Reporter, I would look at the personal ads with excitement and curiosity, I answered a couple of personal ads. Older Man, searching male company… in my letter to a P.O. box, I wrote my age , my situation and I offered to meet.

I gave my parents’ telephone number and explained in the letter to call in the afternoon when I would almost certainly be home alone. I didn’t have to wait long, the phone rang, this guy wanted to meet, he offered to take me for an ice cream to the river, by coincidence the same river as with my cousin.. the Enza river…

I was dreaming… listening to “Tous le Garçons et les filles” by Francoise Hardy…

…Tous les garçons et les filles de mon âge…Se promènent dans la rue deux par deux (All the boys and girls my age walk down the street in pairs)…Comme les garçons et les filles de mon âge connaîtrais-je bientôt ce qu’est l’amour (Like all the boys and girls my age will I soon know what love is?)…(6)

All I was looking for was Love…

…Love belongs to everyone…

When I was 14 years old , I had a very nice brand new moped, a Peugeot 103; I spent every day roaming around as if I had nothing to do, my parents were both at work during the day; I could do basically whatever I wanted as long as I didn’t get in any trouble and I was home by 7 pm with my homework done.

This guy came to pick me up near a gas station, just in the outskirts of my town and we went in his car straight to the river; he forgot all about the ice cream. I was wearing jeans, no underwear a t-shirt and a jeans jacket, it was spring, and it was a very nice day.

He was around 45 years old, around my dad’s age, married with a daughter my age, He had a nice car, He was wearing a suit, He said He was an accountant.

We arrived at the river, still to that damned Enza river, we took a small street in the forest to get to a remote place.

While he drove, he was nice to me asking me normal stuff while He was using one hand to caress my leg. When the car stopped, he started to kiss me and touch me all over; I felt uncomfortable so I jumped out of the car …we were very far from civilization and when I got out of the car door I found myself at the bottom of a steep hill covered with bushes.

I started to climb the hill, peeing my pants, scared, crying. I was trying to run up the slope grabbing hold of anything I could put my hands on, I cut myself. He soon grabbed my pants from the waist. He got naked, I didn’t even see this happening. With a calm and imperative voice, He told me to calm down and let him do; from my back, he untied my jeans, while pulling them down he bent me on the front car hood, the engine was still very hot, I was feeling hot on the car hood. I felt like I had no more energy.

He wasn't caressing me anymore or saying sweet words, I felt wet on my ass, damp and cold; Pain, as He went in, pain and more pain.

I tried to jump on the car hood, away from the pain but again he pulled me down from the waist as he was sticking His dick inside my ass. The pain was too much, he wouldn’t stop, I lay on the hot engine and subdued to what he wanted. I was very nervous, scared and ashamed. I was crying and the crying and the convulsions I was having made the pain stronger, I peed again while lying on the car’s hood, I got dirtier, it didn’t stop this guy from taking me strong. I kept crying until He stopped. It took him too long and too hard until he was finally done, then, as nothing had happened, he told me to hurry up and get into the car or he would leave me there. He made me put my jacket on top of the seat because I was all wet.

Like a good little girl I sat in the car, I kept weeping all the ride home in silence. Before letting me go He said:“I know who your Dad is, if you tell anyone, I will get you in trouble with your Dad”. Still sobbing, I said:”don’t worry about it, I don’t want to get in any more trouble”.

I went back home with my pants wet and my ass on fire, hurting and burning, I was scared that I got really hurt and I needed to see a doctor. Still the next few days I had a little blood spotting the toilet paper, my underwear; I was very worried. I had nobody to tell, nobody to ask for help. I didn’t tell anyone until I met another man from the ad paper. I wanted to meet Him to show Him my ass, thinking that maybe He could help me.

He came with a work truck, we met at the same place as my last date, we drove up the mountain for an hour, too long, He wanted to talk and talk, asking me about all my life story. I told him what had happened to me on the previous date, He said that He was very sorry for me, he explained to me that the pain was normal when you start having anal sex and that with time as I would have stretched, I would have had less and less pain and more pleasure. He offered to take a look at it and help me. He offered medication for it. I couldn’t hope for any better and as soon we pulled over I gladly pulled down my pants and spread my ass cheeks. I had so much burning. He gently touched the outside, He said it didn't look too bad and my ass looked like a virgin, he offered to put a cream and He offered me to take home with me some hemorrhoid cream. I found Him very gentle, so I let him do it. I was feeling like a Princess, He was so gentle and sweet.

I felt immediately cold there, I couldn’t feel anything, like an instant cure… I felt so relieved. He said that it was the other guy’s fault, that the other guy was an asshole and if I had done it with him, it would have been different and I would be going to like it a lot.

I said:”Ok let’s do it, You can fuck me, let’s try”. He explained to me that we had to wait a little more for the cream to work the magic and nonchalantly without asking, He stuck his dick in my mouth, I didn’t expect this, it was my first time and, a second before I was talking and the second after I was sucking. In no time I had his big dick all down my throat. I felt suffocating and almost puked my guts out.

Seeing this, the gentleman removed his stuff and laughing asked me if I had ever sucked a dick. I said of course not. He laughed His guts out then we started kissing gently and passionately again, His hands were all over me. I went down and sucked his things. He didn't push it far down. I kissed it and played with It like a “Calippo”. Without him moving was easy and fun. I could see how much He was enjoying it and I found out that I liked to suck on it a lot. After a while of me sucking on my new “Calippo”, He moved me on the floor; we were lying on a plaid out in the grass, He turned me with the belly down, went behind me and with his hand full of that cream began playing with my butt hole. I felt a finger going in and out while He was kissing my ass, I relaxed, I wasn’t feeling pain, I became aroused, I bent myself more and moaned. Now the fingers were 2 or 3, It didn't matter. I was having little pleasure, I was feeling really quite excited. I was really turned on even if I was feeling a little anaesthetized back there. When He decided it was the time, He grabbed me and pulled me doggy style. With His dick in his hand, He said:”Don’t move now”. I simply answered Him:”Yes". I opened my legs more and went with my belly down to the floor ready for Him. He slid his penis inside me just a little, just the tip, I got to relax, I wasn’t feeling that much pleasure, little pain, that cream anaesthetized me. He began gently then as He was making His way inside me, He moved more and more fast, sticking his cock all inside. Every bump He gave me, His breathing was getting deeper and stronger, He was screaming like a beast, banging me stronger and stronger. I was feeling very little pain and some pleasure, we both had orgasms , He had a couple inside me. When He was done I stood up and lit a cigarette.

I was dripping, I was dirty, I had blood mixed with poop and the sticky oily creamy gunk. Still very little pain, I was amazed by the no pain cream. I was ashamed and at the same time I felt very happy because I finally got fucked hard without suffering a lot. As I had drip still coming out of me , I started to feel more satisfied, more proud of what I’ve got to be. I realized that men were going crazy for my tiny ass. I was a desirable thing for men. It was a weird sensation, I felt as if I finally had found my position in the world. I was in here to please men.

I asked for some paper to clean up, I was shy, I said:”I am sorry”. He laughed and gave me some. This Guy wasn’t disgusted at all by me being dirty, He got more excited. While I was standing, cleaning up my butt, He pulled me down again in doggy style position and started again to play with my ass. I was very happy, I found it very exciting that this Man was taking me strong and the fact of me being so dirty didn’t push Him away but made Him more excited, made me more horny as well. While He was fucking me I farted a few times, I felt very embarrassed, I was going to pull away, He grabbed me strong while laughing, He said with a smile:”I am filling You up good, My little whore” and kept on doing it. This time took him forever to get done. By the end my ass was burning. I cleaned myself up. I wanted to hug and kiss but He was different, he was in a hurry. He said that It was late, the drive back was amazingly fast in comparison to the 1 hour drive we had to get there, now He wasn’t talking that much, He was just in a rush.

Hours after at home, I couldn’t stand still from the burning in my ass. I was scared about having some internal damage and now as before I had nobody to tell. The next few days I tried to contact this Guy. It resulted He was an electrician, married with kids, He said He got scared of having trouble with the law because of my age and that He would call me sometime in the future when He had time. I felt used and abused, I decided I needed a boyfriend and not to meet any other random guy my dad’s age.

Alfred and I

I met Alfred at my little city town library. I was 15, He was 22, Al was from the main town, He came to my small town because we had a very cool and modern library. The Cavriago library used to also lend CDs and so many people from the nearby communities used to visit our library. I used to go there often to grab a cd and copy it on a tape.

... Love comes quickly…sooner or later, this happen to everyone… to everyone…You can live your life lonely… heavy as stone…cause just when You least expect it…just what You least expect…Love comes quickly…whatever You do…You can’t stop falling…(7)

Our eyes had met several times in the aisles of the library and He had once hinted a shy smile. I liked him right away, since I had put my eyes on Him, I knew He was going to be my boyfriend. In between alleys of books Alfred said:”Ciao”. I said:”Ciao, you are here for the CDs too, aren’t you?” He said:”Yes what kind of music you got?”. I showed him the rock and roll cd I was getting and while talking we left the library. Alfred was driving a small moped, I noticed right away He didn’t have a helmet; that meant Al was more than 18 years old. I got my legs shaking, He made me sit behind him and we drove away.

Alfred began coming to visit me in my little town during the week in the afternoons. We would meet at the library and go from there to the park, and for ice cream. He was from a rich family, in the third year of university in Bologna. Alfred declared His sexual being to the world when He was very Young, He had an advanced mind for the time, He was very intelligent, more acculturated than the majority of people, very polite and respectful. He was a student, a writer, an actor, He used to give me tickets to go watch him. Al. Used to spoil me a lot. I felt right away in love, everything was so exciting to me, Al. used to bring me to do stuff for grown-ups, I felt cool with Alfred.

...Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight… lead me out on the moonlit floor…lift your open hand…strike up the band and make the fireflies dance…silver moon’s sparkling… So Kiss me…(8)

We didn’t have sex, we met a few times, Al. was too respectful to pressure me.

I got caught by my parents, I don’t know how, I don’t know why, I got caught for meetings with adult people. They didn’t find out about Alfred but certainly they changed my life around. I got sent to a private college. That’s when my personal Hell began.

The school principal was a pervert and He had put His eyes on me since my first day of school. He suggested to my Parents that I should go for afternoon school class too because I was a problematic kid.

The first day I had to go after class, I had to go back to school at 2:30 pm. When I arrived no one was there, only the school principal. We went straight to his office, he sat next to me and while talking he started caressing my leg telling me that if I were nice to him, I would have no longer problems at school whereas if I didn’t do what he wanted, he would make Hell out of my life.

The school principal had the smallest dick that I had ever seen until that moment but he was the most disgusting pig of all.

My first day of after class, I got raped by my teacher on his desk

I was grounded for good. No more motorcycle, no more going out. Only twice a week to my Slave Driver School Principal. My parents drove me every day to school. This went on also when We had time off from school, he simply changed the place where we would meet from the school to his House, then, always at his House. My Parents could never imagine what was really going on, They thought that it was for my own good.

Finally summer came and I could take a break from the fucker.

I spent all the summer with my mom acting like a good boy, every day at the beach or at the nautical club, sailing. Spending time in Ireland with my Grandparents helped me a lot to recover and afterwards I went to Naples with both my Parents and my Grandparents. The time I used to spend in summer at my Grandparents’ was my favorite time of the year. They loved me a lot and understood me way more than my Parents and they always helped me to have a better relation to them.

I was very lucky because my Grandparents both my maternal and paternal ones, passed on to me the passion for the sea and sailing. With my grandfather in Naples we often took His little 4,25 skiff out, from lido “Mappatella” in Mergellina and so since very young I learned to sail, then at about the age of 10 I began surfing, in Ireland, thanks to my other Grandfather, who used to take me in His old ford Fiesta, whenever possible, to Dunlaughin in Ballyconneely or in Rusheen Bay, or Silver Strand where only thanks to Him, growing up, I had the luck to surf a lot in those majestic places.

I always loved to spend time at my Grandparents’ because they used to give me more freedom than my Parents and I took advantage of it also because normally after summer my Parents gave me a little more freedom, like my grandparents had done during the summer

During summer, my Mom and Dad got more relaxed about me.. I wasn’t thinking that much about sex, sure I was playing with myself but, most of all, my idea was not to get in trouble so that when I would return to my town I could see Al. This was my plan.

The holidays were over; once back, as I had behaved as a good boy the whole summer, my parents gave me more room to be free and so I went straight to my love.

Alfred was ok with taking me back. He understood my situation. We decided to meet at His house in the afternoons; I would go there on my bike, hide it in His garage and then I would run up to His apartment. He would be leaving the garage door open for me to park inside, waiting for me at His front door with a kiss. As soon as I was walking in I would be taking my clothes off and jump in His arms. Obviously I couldn’t tell Him anything about that bogeyman of my school principal.

All I could think about was…My Boyfriend’s back and He’s cooler than ever, there’s no more night, blue skies for ever…(9)

AL. was the sweetest thing, I already told Him about what happened to me before, We had been waiting so long, I wasn’t scared of the pain and I really loved Him so I really wanted to give myself to Him. I couldn’t tell Him anything about my school principal abusing me. I pretended nothing had happened outside our bubble, I lied to Him and told Him that I hadn’t been having sex with anyone, and since my school principal had a very small dick, I hoped He wouldn’t notice.

My asshole in fact was very small, Alfred noticed it right away, He was happy about that, He said:”we’re going to use that cream, You remember the cream you said the last guy used?”. “Ah again with that cream, I don’t know anything about that cream” I answered laughing while lying on his bed. Alfred promised me I would like it a lot and that after a while of doing it, my ass would not hurt anymore.

Thinking:“Here You go with the same bullshit as the last guy told me about”; the only difference was that I trusted Alfred, I loved Him…

I was naked on His bed, we kissed, We touched each other, Alfred was very gentle as always, He was a good kisser. We were cuddling. I decided it was the right time to do it. I told Him:”Please let’s do it, I want it, please don’t hurt me, please”. He made me go in the doggy style position and began playing with my ass and legs. I got more excited, I felt his tongue and his touch everywhere. I couldn’t resist any more, Alfred lubricated me very well, his dick felt very wet, slowly.. slowly He was inside me just a little, a couple of inches, I didn’t experience much pain, I slowly, slowly spread more as He made His way In. I didn’t feel much pain or pleasure. Afterwards Alfred explained to me He used a lot of cream and that the Luan was an anesthetic cream. Al said this was the reason why I didn’t enjoy it that much.

To me, this was my first time I made love and it felt great, awesome even if I didn’t enjoy it very much and it didn’t last long. To me it was still the best. I was in love with Him, my Alfred.

I know that I had sex before that day but I like to think of it as if that was the Day I gave my Virginity to My Man, the Love of my Life.

After We made love Alfred grabbed a butt plug from His drawer and said:“If you use this every day, you won’t have any more pain” I looked at Him with my eyes wide open and said:”Really?” Alfred laughed and said:”Do You want to try it, it’s for You” I smiled and said:”Ok”. Alfred turned me in a way to give Him my back and I leaned my hands over the desk He had in His room. Then Alfred grabbed the Luan and lubricated my ass very well, sticking a finger inside with more cream. He said:”Are You ready?” I pushed my ass out still moaning from the previous attentions that I received, Alfred with one hand spreading my ass cheeks, inserted the plug inside my ass. I moaned more, Alfred said:“Is it ok?” I murmured excited:”For how long can I keep it in?” Alfred laughed and said:“As long as You want”. I left with my plug in and I kept it for hours, thinking about Him.

My first butt plug was Alfred’s first present to me.

I got addicted to my boyfriend, during the week I was going every other day to His house. If I could I would have seen him every day but I couldn’t get in trouble again.

Alfred was pleasing me in any possible way, I started to love sex and to be my boyfriend’s girlfriend. A normal lubricant took the place of the Luan until reaching the absolute nothing, just saliva. I was more for feeling it raw. He was taking His role very seriously. He wanted a real conventional relationship with me, wanting to spend more time together. We started to go to other towns even just for the day.

AL. would take me to one hotel, restaurants, and private sauna. I didn’t like going to the sauna because everyone was grabbing me and approaching me but He really liked to show me off to other man. Alfred used to get really turned on when He was seeing me desired by other man. Especially if afterwards He was going to fuck me leaving the door open or just in the Jacuzzi so people could see Us. Still Alfred was very jealous and He wasn’t willing to share me. Life with him was so exciting, I started pretending to go away for the weekend to a friend’s house or something else but instead, I would go away for the weekend with my boyfriend.

Alfred often spoke to me quoting some theatre piece; it was wonderful to be with Him, He was always lively and exuberant, a continuous whirlwind of emotions that made my head spin and my heart beat faster

Alfred wasn’t rich, He was a student, I didn’t have much to offer and I didn’t ask for much, all I wanted was to be with Him. Alfred gave me all of Himself.

...love Is all that I can give to You…take my heart and please don’t break it, love was made for me and You…(10)

Sometimes I would go to see His rehearsal of a new act at the theatre, and after We would go to the balcony and make love, He always gave me a couple of tickets to go to see Him performing. I was feeling like I would have gladly spent the rest of my life with my Artist Boyfriend.

We used to go to a cheap hotel in Bologna, always the same, near the train station and make love; making love was great. Alfred was the best lover. Making love while listening to Radio Deejay was my favorite thing to do. It was passionate, full of kiss and lush, following the rhythm of the music playing. We would spend hours in bed kissing and caressing. Dinner at a simple pizzeria or We would eat in bed; later We would go to a private club.