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- Herausgeber: Halsted Street Entertainment
- Kategorie: Lebensstil
- Sprache: Englisch
Humorous true stories of the author's strange and wild experiences while riding regional public transportation in the city of Chicago, IL, USA, and surrounding suburbs. These experiences include riding trains and buses at various times of the day and night and the many people encountered during these trips.
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Seitenzahl: 214
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016
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My Adventures on the Bus
DJ Flint
Table of Contents
Foreword
Public transportation in the big city
A good friend of mine suggested that I write about all the things I post on social media regarding my frequent dealings on public transportation. These adventures are the result of multiple days/nights riding the RTA (Regional Transportation Authority) which includes the Chicago Transit system, Pace and Metra. Each section represents a month and, although there were way more things that happened, these are just the stories I could remember or that I thought were strange. When I was a child riding the bus was something that many people did not take for granted. I am a child of the 60s and that should be enough information so that you will understand. These days people not only take public transportation for granted but they give the bus riders and drivers a hard time with their shenanigans. Due to a recent bout of illness I was forced to take public transportation after two decades of driving as a private citizen. I have noted a few stories I found interesting and I hope you feel the same.
(Editor's note: The language was left intact so that the reader could feel what the author felt as it happened. The author apologizes if any readers are offended by the language.)
Chapter 1
How often do you ride?
When I get on the bus I have my bus pass ready in hand. It is a quick and painless process...unless there is a female in front of me. Now don't get me wrong because I love women. If I was a woman I'd be a lesbian. That is how much I'm into women. BUT....if you know you are about to get on the bus please have your pass or money ready and do not hold up the entire line so YOU can look into your purse and find it. In Chicago, there has been a revival of sorts for men letting women on the bus first so that they may get the available seats. Unfortunately, the women who take advantage of this courtesy fail to realize what type of chaos they create when they stop at the front of the bus to fish out money or a bus pass. Thank you and rant over.Rain, rain go away...
So I'm about to ride the bus and my phone goes off like one of those "Emergency Broadcast System" alerts that they have on TV. I'm like WTF? After it stops I check the message and it's the "Emergency Broadcast System" telling me that the area I'm in will experience flooding and I should GTFO of there. So I get on the bus and then the rains start. Then some lady gets on with a shitload of people and she is cussing out just about everyone on the bus up until a really big lightning bolt hits and then she’s ON THE FLOOR OF THE BUS saying she wants her daddy (this lady is like in her 50's). So I get to my stop and the bus that I need it get on is pulling off. Damn, Damn, DAMN! In a short span of time, FOUR buses pass by all saying "Not In Service" with the last one being driven by someone dressed as the Gorton's Fisherman. I wait at the restaurant for the rain to subside and there are two old drunks talking like they are about to re-enact the gang fight dance scene from the "Beat It" video. I have to go before I get shanked! By the time I get to the house the complete front of my shirt is soaked and it looks like I'm at Spring Break in a wet t-shirt contest (the rain was very cold and I am a "husky" guy).Really?!
So, today I thought it was going to be the first day I didn't have anything to say about my bus ride. I even thought that on the way here. That is until I witnessed what I believe to be one of the most ignorant things I've ever seen. First, I get on the bus to go to the new shuttle bus that replaced the train during construction. MMmmmm, it smells like new bus. It's clean, not crowded and it was there waiting for me. Good start. We leave in a decent time with no problems to report. The expressway is crowded but the traffic is moving right along. So I'm sitting there, contemplating the Universe and themostaccioliI'm going to eat once I get back and then I hear this: "Blleeeaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "BUUUZZZZZZZ!!!!!" WTF?! This chick is in the back tossing major cookies and leaning up against the rear door, which is making the alarm sound. We slow down and her boyfriend PULLS THE EMERGENCY DOOR handle and SHE GETS OFF on the Mother fucking EXPRESSWAY!! The bus comes to a complete halt as the driver is crapping his pants in horror! The bus was not going fast enough for her to fall but he is like "I'm on the expressway with passengers in the road!" I don't know what made her think that this was a good idea (considering that she already threw up on the bus). So much for "new bus smell."The Chinese art of lethal food and becoming a hardened criminal...
So....I go to Dialysis today and when I leave I see a guy laid out in the doorway of a Chinese food place and he's not moving. I think the guy may be dead. A nurse from one of the clinics walks by and pretty much steps over him. One of the guards asks if she will assist the guy. She says "my shift is over" and continues to walk away. The paramedics come and put the guy in the back of their truck but they leave with no siren, usually a sign that the passenger is dead. I overhear a couple talking and they said "let's not go to that restaurant. They killin' motherfuckers up in there." After that I walk to the train station and a young Mennonite girl hands me a free Gospel CD. Does she know she's in the heart of "the 'hood?" I get on the train and I start crossing between cars. I can't get to the last two cars because a Cop has blocked the door and is talking to some young kids. I motion to cross and he says "you can't cross between cars." I wait until the train gets to a station and I skip his car and continue to the last car. The cop follows and pulls me off the train on 69th to give me a ticket. (Now I'm a thug.) I then find a guy's ID from a Wrigley Field Restaurant and decide to return it. I ride all the way to Wrigley and witness a White lady refuse a seat next to a Black guy (the train was full). Just another day on the CTA. P.S. A few days later I get a call from the guy whose ID I found. He was very grateful and wanted to take me out to dinner. Is this guy hitting on me? "No thanks, dude. It was my good deed of the month."
The New Math...
So I'm watching the news and they are interviewing passengers of the new shuttle that replaced the trains during construction. One lady said she was extremely grateful that the shuttles will be free and that it will save her $300 a month in travel expenses. Really? I know I'm a bit rusty when it comes to my math skills but the cost of a 30 day pass is $100 dollars. This gives you unlimited rides for a full 30 days. I know the cost of riding can skyrocket if you are paying daily but if you know that you have to ride that often then why not just buy the pass? I know of people that buy the 7 day passes every week and never think of how much money they can save getting the 30 day. These are the same people that swear that they will never use math in the real world. I guess they were right about that.
I need a car...
The following post was made on one of my other blogs and is probably the first time I had something to say about having to ride public transportation. (Everything in parentheses is something I added in my reblog) So I'm on the train and I'm minding my own business. This guy gets on the train. He's about 320 and has his S-curl pulled back into a ponytail. You know the type. He starts singing like he is the lost Isley Brother. (Where are my headphones?) So I'm giving him the stink eye for fucking up my calm (he's ignoring me because he knows he is just that good) and another guy gets on the train and starts going nuts talking to himself like a Looney Tune exploded in his head just at that very moment (No. Really. This guy is like Roger Rabbit crazy and no one framed him.) To top off my day I end up at my destination and I'm standing in line for checkout. There is a couple behind me that apparently like the smell of my soap and want me to smell theirs. The guy is speaking VERY loudly in my ear in what I believe to be the Cantonese dialect and is very pleased with himself and the joke he just told. (I don't think the joke translated well.) I wanted to punch him in the throat for standing so closely to me but his girlfriend looked as though she may have been tough. (I know all Chinese people don't know martial arts but she looked very fit.) I had too many bags for a spontaneous Kung Fu fight. I need a car.
Don't buy liquor on the bus.... So this adventure starts with me trying new things. Well, maybe not new things but a different route to get to the West side. I figured "today is the perfect day to try a new route." So I go west on 79th. This is fairly no issue except for the beggars that hover around the CVS store and I happen to need to stop to get something to eat. I forget to eat sometimes so I eat on the run throughout the day. Today I run into the one person who actually wants to be employee of the month and tries to get all friendly with all the customers. You are not my type and I have a bus to catch so shut up and take my money. I thought I was going to miss the bus but I make it just in time. I make it to the Orange line and everything is running smoothly. I see this Japanese hipster nerd with a book bag on. He looks so interesting that I want to ask him questions just to see if he speaks in an English accent and smokes hipster cigarettes. I get a hold of myself and carry on with my quest. Next a White guy with a military buzz cut gets on the train. He is talking to himself and he has some sort of nervous leg condition that is making him tap dance by accident. I know what you are saying: "Tap dance by himself? That is ridiculous!" I thought so too until I heard a rhythm coming from his feet. He sounded like "Happy Feet." <Tappity tappity tap tap> <Tappity tappity tap tap> <Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity tap> Now being a former Military man and given his appearance I figure him for PTSD so I cut him major slack but he was making me nervous so I watched him until I got off the train. I transfer to a train that I've never taken before and the first thing I notice is how crowded it is. A Lesbian couple hops BACK on the train because the stud chick lost her wallet. (Side note: I like lesbians! That has nothing to do with the story. I just wanted to share that.) The conductor announces to be wary of pickpockets which sets the entire train on edge. Now EVERYONE is a suspect and we are all giving each other the stink eye. Man this ride sucks. Fortunately for me I only have a few stops. I get off and instantly lose my way. At least I'm off that powder keg. I get to the surface and find my bearings and wait for the bus. Now I figure that the rest of the ride will be smooth and uneventful. It was until this guy tried out his old Mack/pimp powers on this young lady. He went on and on about this performer that he was working with. I remember the guy's name vividly but I refuse to give him free publicity so I will not mention him here. When the young chick didn't buy into his BS she got off the bus and went on with her life. Then that old guy starts talking about how he used to be a limo driver for some semi famous guy and how this performer is going to blow up. Then, out of the blue, he pulls out a giant bottle of Svedka that he claimed was worth $40-50 and he only wanted $20 for it. (It was probably a bottle of water that they use for display.) Besides him trying to sell this big, dumb ass bottle and trying to get someone to YouTube his project I had just about enough of this guy. He kept claiming that his act had won "Chicago Idol" twice. First, how do you win a talent show twice? Aren't there rules about you joining twice? Second, WTF is "Chicago Idol?" Sounds sketchy to me.
Perverted thoughts and soft things....
Question: How many buses have to pass you up before you get mad and say "fuck this shit!?" 2? 3? How about you miss the first one then 4 more pass you up? Yup, that's what happened to me today. The bad thing is that I didn't have to miss three of those buses. Let me explain:
The first one was because I took the time to get some food. Pizza Hut to be exact so imagine everything I say augmented with me and a pizza. Not the route I was on was the 79th street bus route. This route has three main end points depending on the time of day with an honorable mention of a fourth that goes to a factory. The first one is Wentworth which is the short route when the bus is going to turn into the bus barn. The nest is Western Avenue which is the normal route that goes to a bus terminal. The long route is the one that goes the Ford City mall on Cicero Avenue. I can get to my home on either the Western or Ford City buses. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I missed the first bus that would have gotten me home. The next two buses were Wentworth buses (useless to me) but when the second bus stopped (to tell us that she was not taking passengers) a fourth bus passed the stop because the driver assumed that the bus was picking us up. Geez, lady. Thanks for a big ole bucket full of nothing! By that time the stop was getting crowded and we all look at her like we wished nothing but bad things and she felt much unappreciated. While she stopped to ponder her life's decisions, a fifth bus zoomed pass. By this time we were forming an angry mob and lighting torches. She realized that all the strife and animosity was aimed at her and she closed the bus doors and drove off. "Good riddance!" was heard from the background. In retrospect I feel bad for her but it was a poor choice because we could see that she was not the right bus. By the time that the next bus stopped we were in full high seas piracy, Mad Max in the outback mode and I thought that I was going to get robbed for my pizza as they took the bus. Thankfully, it was a Western bus. I felt bad for the people that needed to travel beyond Western.
So I'm finally sitting on the bus and this rather large hipped/buttocksed woman sits next to me. It never fails that large people sit next to me on the bus. Maybe they don't notice that I'm not a fly weight myself. Anyway, I'm like "dang lady, you could put your purse on your lap (to myself. She was kind of out of my weight class.)" I look over and what I thought was a purse was her very supple hips rubbing up against my entire thigh. They were soooooooo soft! Is it bad that it kind of aroused me? **perverted thoughts on the bus** On my way back I'm carrying a neck pillow that I got free from the Dialysis clinic. While it was in use there was no problem that it was Hot Pink. The problem seemed to arise after I left the clinic. It's really hard to look tough with a Hot pink neck pillow in your hand. It's even harder to look tough as you fondle the pillow because you like the way it feels. Every young girl that looked at me seemed to want to say something about me being on the bus with that pillow. I had to catch myself several times as I stroked the pillow. I looked like a straight up pervert. All I needed was a bag of candy and a trench coat. **Sigh** Maybe my next vehicle should NOT be a van....
Chapter 2
The Gospel According To Tupac
So today I took a 2 hour trip to nowhere because my Dialysis clinic broke down. On the way there I was subjected to the Gospel according to Tupac, or at least one of his wine swilling disciples. It started like this: this guy is trying his hardest to remember the lyrics to "I Ain't Mad At Cha" which lead into him feeling that he had to testify. Now I'm all about freedom of speech as long as it doesn't trample on another person's freedom to not hear that bullshit. If you want to testify in the middle of a field where I can go if I want to hear you that is fine. Doing it on the bus where I can't escape is another thing.
We are a part of the Pizza Nation
So I decide to go over to my long time friend's house to visit him and his family. I get to the place where I should be able to get a bus directly to his house and I discover to my gigantic surprise that the recent changes to the red line totally JACKED this bus route up. That's ok because I like a challenge. So I'm riding and this dude gets on the bus. Did this dude just Pop lock check me? I think I've just been challenged to a Janet Jackson "Rhythm Nation" dance off! WHAT?!?!?!!? Dude is lucky I didn't have my dancing shoes on.
What?!?!
Anyway when I decide to leave I'm standing at the bus shelter and the Right Tackle for the Chicago Hefty Hoes is standing uncomfortably close in front of me. She is complaining on the phone about how it's raining and she didn't bring her umbrella. She keeps bumping up against the shelter glass and I'm worried that we are both going to crash through. Once we get on the bus it seems that everyone on the East side is riding the same bus. I finally get a seat and I'm sitting next to this woman who has her child on her lap. She is trying to adjust so that the child can continue sleeping which makes ME have to adjust. Dang, lady. I'm already one 1 1/2 butt cheeks here, my nutsack is getting pinched something awful and this bus driver is stopping at EVERY FRIGGIN' STOP.
Pizza Hut on the bus
After my Dialysis treatment I go back to my buddy's house. I decide to get a pizza for us and I stop to pick it up. I looked like a broke ass delivery driver that couldn't afford a vehicle. Getting on a bus with two pizza boxes gets a lot of unwanted attention. I got dirty looks from a guy with a cane, a wannabe thug who looked really hungry and a big chick that was on the cute side but I don't think I could have afforded feeding her long term. So I'm trying to figure out how to get to my destination and I finally decide to take an alternate route. As it turns out this is the bus I should have been taking all along. Oh and I almost got mugged by a pair of Filipino women who happened to like pizza.
So I'm about to get off the bus and the WIDEST bus driver ever gets on the back and just fucking stands there in the doorway. Why is it that fat people think they can just stand in the middle of something and clog up the walkway? Anyway, I'm already pissed because Fatter-than-me bus lady blocked my escape when I hop on the shuttle and I have to put up with some lady telling all her business using her phone. MAN! I get to the treatment center and they tell me "it's broke" so I have to turn around.
On the trip back I hear the faint sound of one of those tiny ass phone radios (I hate those) and I give this guy the hairy eyeball for playing it. I suddenly realize that it's not the young guy but another guy around MY age. You muddafucka! Oh, well I don't have time because NOW I have to run to catch the next bus and I get mad because I think he didn't hear me yell (I hope he didn't hear me call him a fucker) and he made me run (I hate running). I was mad, that is, until I saw the guy with NO LEGS in the wheelchair when I boarded. (Shamed!) Then when we get to that man's stop and the driver is trying to lower the ramp some mother and her young daughter tries to get on ignoring the warning and the baby almost gets CATAPULTED out of the bus. Man, what a day and it's not even 1pm.
Movie night for the bus rider
So it started out as a wonderful day. The only thing I saw that was strange to me was this dude that was wearing the skinniest of skinny jeans. These jeans were so skinny that I don't think they existed in this dimension. There could not have been any legs in them. I still don't know how he got his feet through the ankle holes. I think he detached them and put his legs into the jeans and reattached them afterwards. That's the only way my mind made sense of it all.
So I'm coming home from the movies ("The Internship" is a fun movie for Family and Friends alike!) and I'm going to take the Green Line. As I get close I notice I just missed a Green Line train so I decide on the Red Line instead. Before I could make my way down the stairs I feel the "I just missed my train" wind in my face coming from the tunnel. Green Line it is. So I get to the Green Line and I wait. And wait. And wait. It must have been all of 10 minutes. I notice a guy all decked out in an "Army Strong" jacket and matching hat. I give him the "I served too" nod but he gives me the "This is my nephew's jacket and I'm wearing it because it matched and my shit was dirty" glance. Oh, well. Thanks for the support anyway.
So when the train finally comes I get on with no issues whatsoever. Hmmm. Is this going to be the pleasant ride I was promised in the brochures? We'll see. Anyway, I get to the shuttle terminal and there is exactly one bus there. Where the hell is MY bus? "Oh that stopped running at 1am." It's like 1:05. Ok what am I supposed to do? "Well THIS bus makes all the shuttle stops." The guy in front of me asks the bus driver if this is true. The bus driver is like "I go non-stop to 95th." As the complete shit is about to hit the fan she realizes she is the overnight person and corrects herself and answers in the positive. Lady, you don't know how many bitches and hoes you were about to be just then. Anyway, we all board.
So we are going the night route and this guy is at the back door trying to get off what seems to be EVERY stop. The bus driver finally gets tired of the buzzing from the alarm and the fact that the guy didn't hear her say that the next stop was 79th (because he was on the phone) and tries to let him off. He doesn't notice that the bus has stopped and just stands there like so much idiot in a pile of idiot. She starts driving again and finally gets to 79th. As we all get off this one guy decides to tell me HIS horrible train story about some guy who decided to spit everything he could get into his mouth onto another guy and insists on giving me a fist bump every time he makes a point. Dude. I don't know where your fist has been. Keep that shit to yourself. He follows me to the bus stop and continues with the story all the way up to the bus then abruptly walks away. I guess he is going to write about me in his blog...or go drink some more.
Pet Peeves
Ok. Since I was on the bus yesterday and nothing of worth happened I'm going to talk about stuff I don't like that happens on the bus.
