My Journey Back Home E-Book

Dawn Watson

• Herausgeber: Editora Gente
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 320

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Beschreibung

Sometimes pain makes its mark on our lifes in such profound ways that it feels like they start to define who we are. The more we try to hide the pain by wearing masks to show the world that "everything is fine", the more that pain does not allow us to have a life full of real love and real joy. My story is about this kind of pain. But beyond that, it's about the real process of healing. It's about how I finally understood the reason for so much suffering. Amid all the mess in my life, I found my way back to my safe harbor, to my truth and my self-love. In this book, my deepest desire is to take you the reader on a journey of love, understanding and acceptance, so that you can: Leave behind the cycle of suffering and experience the relief and support you will need for the next steps; Rebuild your relationships, starting with yourself followed by everyone who is important in your life; Reconnect with your self-value and your own truth, so that you can live according to your purpose in life; Experience forgiveness and allow yourself to be truthfully happy; Free the strength inside yourself!

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Watson, Dawn

  My journey back home: a story that will help you reconnect with yourself, recover self-love and overcome the pain of your past / Dawn Watson. – São Paulo : Editora Gente, 2018.

ISBN 9788545202318

1. Self-Help Techniques 2. Self-realization 3. Happiness 4. Watson, Dawn, 1988- I. Title

17-1799                       CDD 158.1

Indexing for systematic catalog:

1. Self-Help Techniques 158.1

Dedication

I want to dedicate this book to the people that inspired me to have the courage to break the silence and live in truth. To all the voices that were never heard, and all the stories that were never told. To all the incredible women and men who lived in the cult Children of God (COG), and devoted their lives to serving a greater purpose, for, despite all the pain and all the difficult moments in my childhood, there was also so much love there. I owe who I am today to all the incredible people who raised and loved me, doing the best they could with all they had.

I dedicate this book to a beautiful soul that was once my father, a friend and an angel. He believed that even with all the pain I carried, there was something beautiful underneath; something powerful enough to not only heal my wounds, but also to heal other people's pain. His love liberated me, and that love will live on forever in my life.

I also dedicate this book to my incredible mother, who out of her own example of resilience and love taught me about forgiveness and strength. I know my own pain cannot be compared to hers, nevertheless, I have never witnessed in her eyes even a small trace of hate or resentment; neither any need for justice. Her love and compassion make me a better person day after day, and if she was able to endure so much pain and, regardless of that, never stopped believing and loving, I can definitely do the same…

And finally, I want to dedicate this book to another beautiful soul, Tony Robbins, who offered me a safe place to heal; the person who loved me and gave me the strength I needed to find courage and give voice to my feelings again.

Life always gives you angels, but they are not supposed to walk the journey for you. All they have to do is to stand from a distance and send you all the love, grace and hope you need to never give up…

First of all, I would like to thank my own life for all the painful presents I have received, for all the obstacles I had to overthrow, all the tears I cried, all the nights I have spent alone and all the scars that are now part of my story. Each of these marks made me understand what life is really all about. They brought me this deep knowledge I would never have accomplished without the painful moments I had to go through.

Today I understand that shadows and darkness have a purpose, and I welcome them to my life.

I’m grateful for the friends I have, who believed me and accepted me for who I really am. They were there for me in the most difficult moments. They became my family and are part of my journey towards home – my real “me”.

I want to thank everybody who came to me after the documentary was released. The love and trust you showed me were just unbelievable. You lifted my spirit when I was down and gave me the strength I needed to move on, with honesty and truthfulness.

I’m truly grateful to you who dedicated your time to read my story. I hope it can inspire you and help you the way it did me. Being able to share my life with you gives me a sense of purpose. So, whenever you see a smile on my face, know that you are part of that, for you were part of the process through which love and happiness found their way back to my life.

I also want to thank God, who found a way to show me what love really is and used each difficulty and obstacle to teach me forgiveness and compassion.

I want to thank my own powerful soul, for always glowing in the dark and reminding me I had everything I needed right inside of me.

I can’t forget to mention the imperfect human being named Dawn Marie Watson, who, with her shadows and pains, has made so many mistakes and hurt so many people. Every day she teaches me to accept even the shadows, because they also help me grow and become a better person. She reminds me of what I’m made of and keeps my feet on the ground, whenever I feel too confident. She teaches me that I’ll always be a student in this life and that there will always be something new for me to learn and improve.

I’ll never forget the day I sat in front of a computer and watched a video by the son of the creators of the cult where I was born. His name was Ricky Rodriguez, and, so strong was his pain that, in this ultimate call for help he decided to take his own life. He said that it didn’t really matter what we had been through in that cult, if we had felt good or bad, it was our responsibility to break the silence.

That day I promised myself that I would learn how to heal myself; I needed to find a way out, and, when I did, I would help spread the word and do everything I could to end the pain, so that no other life would be taken. I never had the opportunity to meet Ricky Rodriguez. All I knew about him was that, when he was young, he was “full of demons”, and God, somehow, was punishing him. Obviously, that sweet boy may have had troubles, but definitely not demons. He was just a poor boy with lots of deep wounds, desperately trying to find healing. I deeply respect him…his life was not in vain.

Ricky awoke all this in me and despite not knowing how to stop his pain, he was the first to break the silence. For that reason, today I keep my truth with courage and strength, and I do that for you, for the thousands of voices that have never been heard and for me too.

It’s time to break silence and heal the pain... Ricky, if somehow you can see me, know that you were seen, you were heard, and you were loved. I’ll take you with me wherever I go.

May love win this time!

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1

the cocoon

CHAPTER 2

the everyday life when you feel hurt

CHAPTER 3

there is always a second chance

CHAPTER 4

light and darkness: letting my true self rise

CHAPTER 5

things start to become clear

CHAPTER 6

light and darkness

CHAPTER 7

the gift of forgiveness

CHAPTER 8

finding my own truth

CHAPTER 9

everything begins inside you

CHAPTER 10

my date with destiny

CHAPTER 11

the purposes of pain

CHAPTER 12

you have the key to love

My heart was pounding as I realized what I had just done. I had mustered up the courage to stand up and now I was standing in a room equiped with cameras, in front of thousands of people I had never seen before. By the time I publicly stated I was suicidal, this Giant Man came in my direction. At that moment, my hands felt sweaty. I had no idea what I was going to say.

I didn’t need him to fix me because I knew I wasn’t broken; I didn’t want any professional advice neither a Guru to direct the path of my life. I had had that for so many years. So, why did I stand up? Those thoughts rushed through my mind as this man got closer and closer.

I was looking up towards him and when he asked me why I was so sad, all I could say was that I had become tired. But as soon as he confronted me, saying that somehow, I wasn’t being honest with him, something changed inside of me. Out of fear, I found the courage I had been nurturing for so many years; a courage that lay behind all the fear of judgement and rejection I felt.

I had come to a moment in my life when keeping my mouth shut became more painful than hiding all the secrets of my past within in fear of being judged by others.

December, 2014, was the first time I discovered what true inner freedom was all about. Without thinking twice I finally let it all out, the pain from my past that I had been carrying for so many years: the truth about growing up in a religious sexual cult; of the mental and sexual abuse and rape I had suffered, and most of all, the need to be seen for who I really was and not to hide anymore under an identity that only brought me more suffering.

Than something incredible happened in a room crammed with thousands of people, of every race, culture and religion. Not one of them stood in shame of what they saw and heard and they all reached out in love. I was seen for the first time, I was heard for the first time and in that room filled with strangers I was given a family, people who I could trust and count on.

I had gone to this event with the intent to somehow find help for myself and those I loved, and life was so generous that it gave me more than I could ever have asked for.

But little did I know that this moment of courage would require yet more boldness and bravery when my story became a documentary, and my life and story would be exposed to the world – A Netflix big hit as a matter of fact, something I could never have imagined when I stood up in that crowded room.

You know, we live in a world that, sometimes, can be quite judgmental and hostile. A world filled with human beings, just like you and me, who perceive things through the eyes of their own pain and experiences. Even if we don’t want to judge, it feels like sometimes it’s stronger than us, and then we find ourselves questioning things, like: “I would never do something like that…”, or “What a terrible cult…”; “It was probably filled with terrible and monstrous people…”, or even “That wasn’t the truth…”; “My experience was different, so she must be lying…”.

These were the kinds of response I received after this documentary came out, and in the beginning it was very hard for me to deal with it. I felt judged and saw people I loved face the same challenges. But I made a decision, instead of hiding away and going back to a “silence bubble” in order to please others, I was now going to speak even louder. This time, however, I was going to guide people, not only lead them through my path of pain, but help them see the paths of love and healing that I found through my pain.

To me, this book is like a window into my life, a chance to continue what I began; it’s a journey towards living in a space of authenticity, vulnerability and truth. I am aware that “Truth” is something quite unique because everyone has their own. We go through life and experience it in a way that no one can ever really understand or perceive until we give them that gift; a glimpse into our world, where they get to see it all through our own eyes; where they get to feel and experience the beauty of that. Some will cherish that gift, and others will throw it away. But that’s not up to us to decide. The fact is that living in fear of what others will do with your gift makes you a prisoner in your own world.

I WAS SEEN FOR THE FIRST TIME,

I WAS HEARD FOR THE FIRST TIME,

AND IN THAT ROOM FILLED

WITH STRANGERS I WAS GIVEN A FAMILY, PEOPLE WHO I COULD TRUST

AND COUNT ON.

This book is a chance to tell my story to you, but not to turn it into a case study about religious cults or, more specifically, about the Children of God, the religious cult I was born into. If you need to know more about the cult, there are actually great books and websites about it. This is my story in which the purpose is to heal and I intend to stick to it. In this journey, I urge you to let go of your judgement, because in life we all hurt – and get hurt – at some point. The key to be free is to open up about the pain you’ve been through.

I’ve been locked up before, and that’s painful. So today I welcome this freedom with open arms, and I share with you my journey back home, the home of love we all have inside ourselves. I’m 28 years old now, but I’ve lived a life that feels like a hundred years. I’ve faced some of the darkest storms, I’ve graduated in the art of forgiveness, because life was always very generous in the amount of painful experiences I went through and the number of people I needed to forgive, including myself.

I’ve been severely hurt, but I’ve also hurt others. I know how it feels to be robbed of yourself, as well as the damage of religious mental manipulation. I know the feeling of never being good enough; no matter what you do, you just never fit in. I have held the scars of mental, sexual abuse and rape not in my body, because those have disappeared, but in my emotional psyche to protect myself from ever being hurt again. I built huge walls around me, but those same walls became my prison, so that no one could ever really reach me. Then I realized I’ve lost my way, I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

Home as I knew it – that safe place I loved to go to when I was just a little child, where everything was possible; where I could create the world I wanted right there, within me – was gone…

Today there is still so much to learn and I’m aware that I’m just beginning to understand the beauty behind all life’s mysteries. But there’s one thing I do know: pain is inevitable! I can’t control it on the outside and much less on the inside. But there is a way to not live a life of suffering and guilt, and that was the way I perceived pain, the relationship I had with it, and how I allowed it to work through me.

TODAY THERE IS STILL SO MUCH TO LEARN AND I’M AWARE THAT I’M JUST BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND THE BEAUTY BEHIND ALL LIFE’S MYSTERIES.

In fact, you can let it destroy you or you can try to run away from it by numbing yourself from life. But you can also see it as a gift that connects you to your own greatness and purpose, as a home to all love and joy.

I don’t believe pain is the only way to grow and evolve, but if it presents itself so often in our lives, why not find mechanisms to recycle it and let it push us to greatness? I had every excuse to be a victim and hide behind the pain, but where would that take me? What would that say about me? In my life, I have chosen to take back the power that I had given to others; I have chosen to create a future based on freedom and love, and the only way to do that was by not being ashamed of my past.

I understood that nothing could be thrown away. Every experience, every painful moment could be used as a fuel to guide me back home, back to Me, the Me before all the pain. The Me that loved life, that believed in life and trusted that everything would always be okay in the end and that despite this scary and unfamiliar world, I was being taken care of; and that being “Enough” was not something I had to do to earn this right. I was born Enough, I was born loved, I was made out of love, and that was my birthright. Nothing I could ever do would change that.

So now I invite you to see pain and difficulties of life through different lenses. The same ones that helped me to transform my life. I invite you to follow me on a journey into my greatest storms, but also into the most incredible dawnings. I invite you to witness the magic that happens when we finally understand and experience forgiveness. I am so grateful to you, for if you have stopped to get this book and take the time out of your busy life to read it, it’s because you too are a searcher, longing to stop the bleeding inside yourself. I guarantee that by the end of this book something will change inside of you. Life will not seem so heavy anymore, because you will have discovered the way back to safety – your own safe place. You will have found the lost key that gives you access to your home. In that place, you will know that you can’t control what will happen to you or to the people you love. However, in spite of that, you will have everything you need, right inside you, to rise above your challenges, start again, take back the power and become the author of your own life, and yes, the scars are just the living proof of your capacity to heal, so there’s nothing to be ashamed of about them.

We are all heroes! We all have a story, and the more we share it, the more we let other people see the beauty that lies beyond the walls that protect our hearts.

The path of the butterfly is extraordinary, since it represents our journey towards transformation and growth. It teaches us the real meaning of trust. So let it begin…

Lots of love,

DAWN WATSON

WE ARE ALL HEROES! WE ALL HAVE A STORY, AND THE MORE WE SHARE IT,

THE MORE WE LET OTHER PEOPLE SEE

THE BEAUTY THAT LIES BEYOND THE WALLS

THAT PROTECT OUR HEARTS.

before we start...

We were all born with specific challenges that we would have to go through. Some of us knew that. However, with those challenges we were also given tools that would help us win every internal battle.

Our Creator knew there would be dark nights. He was aware that it would be hard – and sometimes dangerous – to see, so he put a light inside us, which no wind could ever put out the flame. He also made sure no one could ever steal it, and that light was named… Soul.

He gave us this beautiful experience called Life, and let us do whatever we wanted with it. But he knew that because of our imperfect expression as human beings, we would generate a lot of pain, both on the outside and on the inside. Because of that, he knew we would get lost in it and forget about our light, our worth. He knew that in the end, we would end up distancing ourselves from who we really are, from what we are made of, and even forget how loved we are. So, he turned all this Pain we generate into a womb, and called it… Cocoon.

He took the darkness and transformed it into light. He gave purpose to that pain. Just like a mother’s womb, he turned the painful situations in life into a passage to healing.

The same poison that could kill became an antidote, the remedy for counteracting the effects of the poison. It could both kill or heal; it was up to us. That antidote was within us. To have access to that healing we would have to learn how to TRUST – and trust life's cycle.

We would have to believe that life was not against us, believe that we were not alone and had everything we needed to heal, right inside of us. But to access that, we would have to let the cycle of the cocoon – and of pain – work its way within us.

Shedding all the old and damaged skin and allowing pain to take us back to our home, a place of surrender. Permitting ourselves to be taken care of in this quiet and loving womb, where all our wounds could be healed. Through this forgiveness process, we can understand our true capacity to see beyond our ego and limited mind, and feel the unconditional love that only happens when we love straight from our soul, straight from our light.

Last but not least, the Creator gave us a key: the key to our own lives. It’s the key that can open all the doors of love within us; the key that gives access to our home, a safe place inside ourselves. It’s the key that can unlock our fullest potential, purpose and joy. We are the only ones that have access to the two worlds that live within us, making sure that nothing in the external world has power over this place, that no one could ever steal it, because we are the key-bearers, we hold the power over our own lives and no one else has access to that power.

This key was so powerful that it gave us free access to the underworld, the dark places inside ourselves. It allowed us to come and go without getting stuck. We could spend time in both worlds, learning about and exploring all the rooms in our home, as well as everything that made us who we are – our light and our darkness.

As children, we were never afraid of our darkness, much less of our light. We were not ashamed to steal and do naughty things, and we didn’t care about what people were thinking as we ran around naked, jumped into the mud and made the biggest noise while we laughed at the top of our lungs and just had fun. We loved to explore our imagination, create stories and live within them. We explored our bodies and our capacity to feel. We enjoyed the pleasures of our sexuality in its purest and deepest form, without feeling guilt or shame. We used to hold the key, we could come and go as we wished. We knew life was too small for us, for we were the kings and queens, and life was just serving us.

But all that fell apart when we allowed someone to steal that key. For, at that moment, pain came knocking, pushed it open and invaded our safe place. They hurt us so deeply, they tore us apart in ways that felt unfixable. In that moment we forgot what we were made of; we forgot who we were. It took some time, but we finally convinced ourselves that we were not trustworthy as our own key-keepers anymore. We were afraid that it was our fault, that we were not strong enough, so how could we have let this happen? So we ended up giving our power – and our key – to the same person who hurt us. May the strongest win, we thought, and we let them lock us up in this internal prison. Then, trapped in our own darkness we could see no light at all. We knew that somewhere inside that light was still alive, but now, without the key, it seemed almost impossible to ever find it again.

Days, months, and now years passed, and that happy child turned into a grown-up, who found a way to turn his dark cell into his home. He painted it with bright colors, so no one would notice. He learned how to live under those conditions of fear and shame. He even called himself the “king of the darkness”, and used it in a way people would love and accept him because of it. Even though pity was not something he was looking for, at least it brought him some attention and love.

He used his prison as an excuse not to have to go out and have fun anymore, because, after all, he was locked up, and he no longer had the key and the control over his life. He let his circumstances define who he was and what his life was going to be from then on. He turned this prison into a home, and turned his darkness into his life sentence.

However, one day a big storm came and shook the whole structure of this house. It seemed like the end. The man thought, “this time nothing will be left standing, not even my life”. Nothing was in place, things were being thrown from one side to the other. Suddenly, even the home he had made for himself was in pieces. Water came in through the ceiling, and through the cracks on the door. The water came in breaking down the walls and began to flood everything.

Have you ever felt like the world is collapsing under your feet? As if you had nothing left, nothing to hope for, nothing to dream about, and no one to love? As if you had been robbed of yourself? As if you were so far from whom you used to be that whomever you see in the mirror you can no longer recognize? Have you ever felt like, no matter what you do, you cannot repair the damage done to you?

Life sometimes sends us the biggest storms, not to destroy us, but to take down the walls we’ve built in order to protect ourselves from ever being hurt again. The problem though, is that we fail to see that these walls have become our prison and are now the cause of all our pain and suffering. Sometimes we need something to shake things up so that we can realize the mess we are in.

As the water washed everything away, the man realized that the door was now open. He could either drown in that dark room, or swim out as a free man and regain what had once belonged to him. No one could make that choice for him. Life had come to remind him that the same thing that comes and brings pain is also the door to freedom and healing. The key was never taken from him. It was he who gave it away believing he was not worthy of it.

Many times in life, in our relationships, we end up giving our key to someone who doesn't know how to take care of it. We let them take over and start changing things in our safe place, our home, without our permission. We become blind to this, and some even call it love, passion, admiration and faith. We fall in love, we meet an incredible group, we follow a spiritual leader, and all of them seem so nice, so much stronger than us and so much more capable of living life. Instead of sharing this experience, learning and growing with these people, we end up giving them full access to our home. Most of the time we give them more than they ask. We let their truth become our truth, we allow their thoughts, beliefs and words to become ours, and we lose sight of ourselves. We mistake abuse, control and possession as love. We crave so badly this feeling of belonging that we don’t mind giving away the ownership of our lives, of our own keys.

No one else and nothing can ever take from us what we are not willing to give …

to be continued…

If you watched Tony Robbins’s short film I’m not your Guru, or, maybe, googled my name, you already know I’ve been through a lot in these 28 years.

After all, being born into a religious cult whose philosophy was masked as “love” and filled with mental manipulation, where mental and sexual abuse was part of our daily lives, is something that makes you wonder: how could God ever let this happen to you and to so many others?

There I learned that love was nothing but the total giving of your body, your soul and your mind, that God wanted that from us, and no less than that. That is: total surrender to Him and to all men that crossed my way.

I was taught that sexuality was our greatest weapon. If we used it well, we could change the world and make it a better place to live in. I was also taught that the best thing about us was “that” kind of love we offered. As they would say, there was “no greater love than laying down your life for the brethren.”

Laying down my body, my mind and my soul.

These beliefs brought me so much suffering and pain. They stripped me of my self-love and pride. They made me feel vulnerable and unprotected.

These beliefs turned me into a source of sexual energy that brought me so much pain and loss, over and over again. Those beliefs made me conform to the idea that I was only good for that. In the eyes of men and God, my purpose and greatest value was to serve as a sexual instrument, nothing more, nothing less. So that became my way of feeling loved and important.

Growing up in the Children of Godcult was definitely not an ordinary childhood. My world was filled with strangers – uncles, aunties, even mothers and fathers – who became my family. We were all a big family but there was no true sense of security and protection. Our day-to-day lives followed a general routine. Every morning I was awoken by missionaries – or Uncles and Aunties, as they asked us to call them – singing praise songs. Everyone always seemed so happy and excited to be alive. There was always music, big morning hugs followed by “I love you”, “Jesus loves you”! We slept in large rooms filled with bunk beds. That was actually a privilege, for many other communes had only back to back mattresses that filled the rooms.

We all had our breakfast together, followed by someone reading the Bible or David’s letters. David had a team of artists that translated David’s beliefs and rules into a children’s magazine. There were many different pictures and the magazine was very well illustrated in a way our little minds could understand and assimilate. After breakfast we had our daily chores which included cleaning the house and cooking for all the members of the cult. Each one was different from the previous, we moved almost every couple of months, but the average number of people living together was between 30 to 100, including the children.

After our chores we had our Bible studies where we learned all about the Old and New Testament. We were told that, like the disciples, we were bringing back God’s deepest wish: living together and having everything in common. That’s how we lived. Nothing was mine – they were not my clothes, not my toys, not my thoughts, not my choices, not my decisions, not my body and not my mind. It was all intended to serve a higher cause, something I could never truly understand.

In the children magazines we learned about David Brandt Berg, the founder of the cult. These publications were filled with an immense variety of subjects that were soon to become my beliefs. They were fun and very well illustrated. The pages showed pictures and cartoons of Bergs’ home, his children, of naked wives and stories of their Royal Family. I learned that He was the man who saved my mother’s life, as well as the lives of all my uncles and aunties.

I saw the love, admiration and dedication that they had towards him. They called him Father and, consequently, he had become our Grandpa, and asked to be called that. I learned that I was born into a very selective group of people that God had chosen as the anointed and elite group. We were privileged to be the only ones that would not only have eternal life, but also become the rulers of a new world, the world to come. This world where we lived in now was nothing but destruction; it was ruled by the devil itself.

From a very young age, my mind was molded into the perfect disciple, a follower that was destined to never abandon the cause. How could I? I didn’t know there was something better, so I had no other option. My mind couldn’t even question all this information as there weren't any other ideas or realities to compare to. That was my world and Berg ruled it. He was the King, the shadow behind everything that formed my world, from the food we ate to the songs we listened to and books we read.

Our image and knowledge of God and Love, our notion of the “outside” world, our role in this life were all ruled by him.

Berg believed the world was going to end and that us, the children of the second generation, were the end time warriors. We had been chosen by God to die for His cause. He was going to destroy the evil world, so our responsibility was to help save the souls that believed in Him and accepted eternal life. Every day we read about, watched and prepared for the end of the world.

As far as I can remember that was the most terrifying belief to me. We were being prepared to give our bodies and lives to this cause.

I was so young and my life was just beginning, yet the end of it had already been predicted. Berg controlled our lives by sending letters to all the communes with the stories, teachings and recommendations on how we should live and what to believe in. In his letters, he spoke a lot about a woman called Heaven’s Girl, the superhero of our world.

FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE, MY MIND WAS MOLDED INTO THE PERFECT DISCIPLE, A FOLLOWER THAT WAS DESTINED TO NEVER ABANDON THE CAUSE.

Heaven’s Girl soon became my hero and my strongest belief. She was a character he invented to help us understand the power of women’s sexuality and love, which could conquer all evil, and even melt away the devil himself.

She was always naked and had long black braided hair, which could almost touch the ground and was used as a weapon. She was very sexy and had hearts covering her intimate parts.

Flipping the pages, I loved to see how she overcame evil and had super powers. She would give her love and body to the cause, and therefore, she would not die. She was about fifteen years old and went through terrible experiences, such as being chased by the antichrist. In one story, for example, as she was being raped by some guards, instead of resisting, she gave freely of her love to these men. By doing that, they were converted and then rescued her and saved her life. In that story, Berg was teaching us that sexual assault was not something bad and that it only became bad when it was practiced with violence. “To the pure everything is pure,” Berg would say. Thus, I began to understand that my sexuality was my greatest weapon to protect myself, and if I gave it freely I would keep myself safe. As a child, when I read the books about Flirty Fishing1 I did not really understand anything about it, but this I definitely could understand. I learned that my greatest power to overcome evil, death and the fear that came with it was to give of my body and “love”. My sexuality was my greatest virtue, and had been given by God, to not only save myself from evil, but also to be honored and privileged in His eyes. That was the only way to truly express my love and dedication.

We lived in big houses that were filled with dedicated disciples of a man, that in their eyes, was their closest connection to God.